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2020 Texas Offseason Thread: Herman's Hail Mary

texifornia

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texifornia
texifornia

Jesus, y'all win a title and still have tissue-thin skin to even gentle joking around. Woof.

honolulu horn
honolulu horn

Apex, take it somewhere else. This is a football thread, not a "don't be a pussy, my racist jokes are actually harmless and hilarious" thread.

Vertigo
Vertigo

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BornOrange

BornOrange 1441

Posted
Posted (edited)
14 hours ago, LTtxfan said:

In case yah missed this...

Surprised Everett is gonna work with the offense since most of his experience is on defense??

Two thoughts:

1. Anwar made a mistake and Withers is going to be a defensive analyst.

2. Withers is going to mostly self-scout the offense through the eyes of a defensive coach looking for weaknesses and tendencies.

Edited by BornOrange
Didn't realize this had already been discussed on the coaching staff thread.
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RomaVicta

RomaVicta 29940

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Posted
On 2/12/2020 at 3:55 PM, SydneyCarton said:

Perhaps. I don't pay attention to that stuff. But I meant he actually talks like he's had a stroke. 

It's the pure genius of putting dull guys who get paid to write poorly in front of a camera with a microphone. 

There was a reason they gravitated towards the print medium. Bohls knows Herman OC'd at tOSU. He was fumbling a mild joke instead of fumbling the fact itself. The two of them can barely handle sportswriting, so it's no surprise that they can't handle shtick in front of a camera for 75 seconds.

So bad that it wasn't even funny, but their medium is sadly sinking so they reach for anything that may float.

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closetojumping

closetojumping 62757

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Posted
53 minutes ago, pacman said:

Probably can't hurt to have Withers around in case Valai struggles to coach up the CBs.

Herman (takes a long snort of an 8 inch line of coke on his desk then claps his hands together loudly): Okay boys, here's what I'm gonna do! We're going to hire a guy with no experience and no justification for being here, but Chris likes him! He's going to get along great with the kids these days though! 

Staff (all wearing thousand yard stares): Uh, okaaay. Why not just hire a guy that's qualified and reduce the risk of failure?

Herman (face is beet red): SHUT THE FUCK UP!!

Staff (still in a state of shock that they're at this place, in this moment, with this guy leading them): Hypothetical here. Just hypothesizing, coach. What can we do to support this guy in case he's an utter and complete failure at a job for which he has no qualifications for having in the first place?

Herman (grinding his teeth and scrolling through his iphone): Yeah, yeah, whatever. We'll get him a thingamajig. Like a mentor or something. Some washed-out has-been looking for a gig. I know a bunch of them from Mack's old staffs. Daryl Drake or Dick Tomey or somebody.

Staff (skulking off out the door collectively): Sounds like a plan coach ... 

Herman (looking for his energy drink, adderall, or more coke): Where is Horny?! Horny, get in here!!

****

Yep, makes all the sense in the world to go this route. 

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Hank Chinaski

Hank Chinaski 6315

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38 minutes ago, closetojumping said:

Herman (takes a long snort of an 8 inch line of coke on his desk then claps his hands together loudly): Okay boys, here's what I'm gonna do! We're going to hire a guy with no experience and no justification for being here, but Chris likes him! He's going to get along great with the kids these days though! 

Staff (all wearing thousand yard stares): Uh, okaaay. Why not just hire a guy that's qualified and reduce the risk of failure?

Herman (face is beet red): SHUT THE FUCK UP!!

Staff (still in a state of shock that they're at this place, in this moment, with this guy leading them): Hypothetical here. Just hypothesizing, coach. What can we do to support this guy in case he's an utter and complete failure at a job for which he has no qualifications for having in the first place?

Herman (grinding his teeth and scrolling through his iphone): Yeah, yeah, whatever. We'll get him a thingamajig. Like a mentor or something. Some washed-out has-been looking for a gig. I know a bunch of them from Mack's old staffs. Daryl Drake or Dick Tomey or somebody.

Staff (skulking off out the door collectively): Sounds like a plan coach ... 

Herman (looking for his energy drink, adderall, or more coke): Where is Horny?! Horny, get in here!!

****

Yep, makes all the sense in the world to go this route. 

This entire scene is disturbingly easy to visualize...

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DeathTongue

DeathTongue 88

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, closetojumping said:

Herman (takes a long snort of an 8 inch line of coke on his desk then claps his hands together loudly): Okay boys, here's what I'm gonna do! We're going to hire a guy with no experience and no justification for being here, but Chris likes him! He's going to get along great with the kids these days though! 

Staff (all wearing thousand yard stares): Uh, okaaay. Why not just hire a guy that's qualified and reduce the risk of failure?

Herman (face is beet red): SHUT THE FUCK UP!!

Staff (still in a state of shock that they're at this place, in this moment, with this guy leading them): Hypothetical here. Just hypothesizing, coach. What can we do to support this guy in case he's an utter and complete failure at a job for which he has no qualifications for having in the first place?

Herman (grinding his teeth and scrolling through his iphone): Yeah, yeah, whatever. We'll get him a thingamajig. Like a mentor or something. Some washed-out has-been looking for a gig. I know a bunch of them from Mack's old staffs. Daryl Drake or Dick Tomey or somebody.

Staff (skulking off out the door collectively): Sounds like a plan coach ... 

Herman (looking for his energy drink, adderall, or more coke): Where is Horny?! Horny, get in here!!

****

Yep, makes all the sense in the world to go this route. 

The best part of this is his short list for mentors is two dead dudes.

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closetojumping

closetojumping 62757

Posted
Posted
5 minutes ago, texifornia said:

Bang up photo selection, guys

To each their own, I guess. I thought it was very appropriate. I assumed it was a side view of this guy watching film of Texas playing defense in 2019. Or offense against like 5 of the opponents. Or special teams since roughly 2014. Or maybe he was reading this board? Or this thread? Or maybe watching Texas women's or men's basketball for the last 5+ years? I don't know. It looks very Texas-centric though.

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Treefidy

Treefidy 1469

Posted
Posted
7 hours ago, closetojumping said:

Herman (takes a long snort of an 8 inch line of coke on his desk then claps his hands together loudly): Okay boys, here's what I'm gonna do! We're going to hire a guy with no experience and no justification for being here, but Chris likes him! He's going to get along great with the kids these days though! 

Staff (all wearing thousand yard stares): Uh, okaaay. Why not just hire a guy that's qualified and reduce the risk of failure?

Herman (face is beet red): SHUT THE FUCK UP!!

Staff (still in a state of shock that they're at this place, in this moment, with this guy leading them): Hypothetical here. Just hypothesizing, coach. What can we do to support this guy in case he's an utter and complete failure at a job for which he has no qualifications for having in the first place?

Herman (grinding his teeth and scrolling through his iphone): Yeah, yeah, whatever. We'll get him a thingamajig. Like a mentor or something. Some washed-out has-been looking for a gig. I know a bunch of them from Mack's old staffs. Daryl Drake or Dick Tomey or somebody.

Staff (skulking off out the door collectively): Sounds like a plan coach ... 

Herman (looking for his energy drink, adderall, or more coke): Where is Horny?! Horny, get in here!!

****

Yep, makes all the sense in the world to go this route. 

If asshole goes tony Montana on some extremely pure cocaine and has a massive heart attack, de we still have to pay his buyout?  

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closetojumping

closetojumping 62757

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, LTtxfan said:

Screen-Shot-2018-08-10-at-1.22.16-PM.png

Holy fucking shit. Every new photo of this guy reveals some sort of chronological timeline of a guy heading deeper into a tumbledown. He looks like someone capable of either just straight up calling everything as he sees it, feelings be damned, and/or someone fully capable of a psychotic snap who then murders Tom Herman and Chris Ash. I’m fine either way. 

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closetojumping

closetojumping 62757

Posted
Posted (edited)
30 minutes ago, closetojumping said:

Holy fucking shit. Every new photo of this guy reveals some sort of chronological timeline of a guy heading deeper into a tumbledown. He looks like someone capable of either just straight up calling everything as he sees it, feelings be damned, and/or someone fully capable of a psychotic snap who then murders Tom Herman and Chris Ash. I’m fine either way. 

Actually, there’s a shot that this is some sort of Will Farrell troll job in which he’s continuing to portray Ron Bergundy, years later, after he was fired and in an alternate ending to the first Anchorman. 

Edited by closetojumping
fucking autocorrect
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Guest Lobo

Guest Lobo

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Posted

three years in:  average record of 8-5 for $7mm/year with now the 5th highest paid overall staff in that nation.  But yeah, this new analyst should do the trick.

Buncha little Jerry Seinfeld's coming into UT.  Rather be a buncha has-beens than a never-was.  

8-4 regular season in 2020.  I don't care which LB corps this guy coaches almost a decade ago.

 

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closetojumping

closetojumping 62757

Posted
Posted
9 minutes ago, Lobo said:

three years in:  average record of 8-5 for $7mm/year with now the 5th highest paid overall staff in that nation.  But yeah, this new analyst should do the trick.

Buncha little Jerry Seinfeld's coming into UT.  Rather be a buncha has-beens than a never-was.  

8-4 regular season in 2020.  I don't care which LB corps this guy coaches almost a decade ago.

 

They’re not going 8-4 in the regular season next year. Christ. 

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Guest Lobo

Guest Lobo

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Posted
8 minutes ago, closetojumping said:

They’re not going 8-4 in the regular season next year. Christ. 

Okay.  All we can do is pontificate in the off-season.  I hope we do better.  I'm preparing for 8-4.  It's not awful, it's better than his current winning percentage at UT.  

I just think we're two seasons away from making noise again on the national scene.  Sorry.  Nothing else to do but wonder aloud until our spring game which isn't for another ~10 weeks.  

 

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closetojumping

closetojumping 62757

Posted
Posted
5 minutes ago, Lobo said:

Okay.  All we can do is pontificate in the off-season.  I hope we do better.  I'm preparing for 8-4.  It's not awful, it's better than his current winning percentage at UT.  

I just think we're two seasons away from making noise again on the national scene.  Sorry.  Nothing else to do but wonder aloud until our spring game which isn't for another ~10 weeks.  

 

Listen, I certainly agree that all we have right now is our own bullshit, so sure, your view could be correct. My view is that Texas returns damn near more than anyone; is one of the only schools with a seasoned senior QB with this many other starters returning (ATM oddly being the other); the coaching, however Hermeh the new staff, is substantially upgraded; the roster finally has experience and depth; and the schedule is favorable.

LSU loses 16 starters, key depth, and the key coaches on both sides of the ball. Baton Rouge would always be rough, but it couldn’t otherwise set up better. 

OU lost their 3 best defensive starters and 2 best offensive players including the QB. Is Rattler the next phenom? No clue. I know he’s an idiot. That much is known. He could well be Garrett Gilbert. OU doesn’t have the depth on defense to sustain another CFP run.

Most powers lost a fuckton. Texas, OU, OSU, and ATM, all oddly regionally close, basically lost less than most other P5 schools. Texas has the most firepower of that group. I’ve run through every P5’s depth chart and while someone can point to some rando, this isn’t a regionally biased view. It’s just a weird year.

The first articles and rankings about 2020 are typically misinformed and the blogs and mags will all catch-up. A UT weary writer base will naively look past ATM’s 80+ years of failure and proclaim their titleworthiness while simultaneously mocking Texas as again being probably overrated. That is all to be ignored. Texas will start ranked in the 16-20 range and they’ll finish in the playoffs or just outside of it with controversy. 

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Goodman

Goodman 3273

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Posted
2 hours ago, closetojumping said:

Listen, I certainly agree that all we have right now is our own bullshit, so sure, your view could be correct. My view is that Texas returns damn near more than anyone; is one of the only schools with a seasoned senior QB with this many other starters returning (ATM oddly being the other); the coaching, however Hermeh the new staff, is substantially upgraded; the roster finally has experience and depth; and the schedule is favorable.

LSU loses 16 starters, key depth, and the key coaches on both sides of the ball. Baton Rouge would always be rough, but it couldn’t otherwise set up better. 

OU lost their 3 best defensive starters and 2 best offensive players including the QB. Is Rattler the next phenom? No clue. I know he’s an idiot. That much is known. He could well be Garrett Gilbert. OU doesn’t have the depth on defense to sustain another CFP run.

Most powers lost a fuckton. Texas, OU, OSU, and ATM, all oddly regionally close, basically lost less than most other P5 schools. Texas has the most firepower of that group. I’ve run through every P5’s depth chart and while someone can point to some rando, this isn’t a regionally biased view. It’s just a weird year.

The first articles and rankings about 2020 are typically misinformed and the blogs and mags will all catch-up. A UT weary writer base will naively look past ATM’s 80+ years of failure and proclaim their titleworthiness while simultaneously mocking Texas as again being probably overrated. That is all to be ignored. Texas will start ranked in the 16-20 range and they’ll finish in the playoffs or just outside of it with controversy. 

Boys, Brother CTJ is preaching tonight.

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Ghost of Shag

Ghost of Shag 2614

Posted
Posted
11 hours ago, closetojumping said:

Listen, I certainly agree that all we have right now is our own bullshit, so sure, your view could be correct. My view is that Texas returns damn near more than anyone; is one of the only schools with a seasoned senior QB with this many other starters returning (ATM oddly being the other); the coaching, however Hermeh the new staff, is substantially upgraded; the roster finally has experience and depth; and the schedule is favorable.

LSU loses 16 starters, key depth, and the key coaches on both sides of the ball. Baton Rouge would always be rough, but it couldn’t otherwise set up better. 

OU lost their 3 best defensive starters and 2 best offensive players including the QB. Is Rattler the next phenom? No clue. I know he’s an idiot. That much is known. He could well be Garrett Gilbert. OU doesn’t have the depth on defense to sustain another CFP run.

Most powers lost a fuckton. Texas, OU, OSU, and ATM, all oddly regionally close, basically lost less than most other P5 schools. Texas has the most firepower of that group. I’ve run through every P5’s depth chart and while someone can point to some rando, this isn’t a regionally biased view. It’s just a weird year.

The first articles and rankings about 2020 are typically misinformed and the blogs and mags will all catch-up. A UT weary writer base will naively look past ATM’s 80+ years of failure and proclaim their titleworthiness while simultaneously mocking Texas as again being probably overrated. That is all to be ignored. Texas will start ranked in the 16-20 range and they’ll finish in the playoffs or just outside of it with controversy. 

Damn.

When CTJ is drinking the Kool-Aid, it makes me reevaluate my purposely low expectations that keep me from committing a felony mid-season.

 

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satyanash

satyanash 14562

Posted
Posted
12 hours ago, closetojumping said:

Listen, I certainly agree that all we have right now is our own bullshit, so sure, your view could be correct. My view is that Texas returns damn near more than anyone; is one of the only schools with a seasoned senior QB with this many other starters returning (ATM oddly being the other); the coaching, however Hermeh the new staff, is substantially upgraded; the roster finally has experience and depth; and the schedule is favorable.

LSU loses 16 starters, key depth, and the key coaches on both sides of the ball. Baton Rouge would always be rough, but it couldn’t otherwise set up better. 

OU lost their 3 best defensive starters and 2 best offensive players including the QB. Is Rattler the next phenom? No clue. I know he’s an idiot. That much is known. He could well be Garrett Gilbert. OU doesn’t have the depth on defense to sustain another CFP run.

Most powers lost a fuckton. Texas, OU, OSU, and ATM, all oddly regionally close, basically lost less than most other P5 schools. Texas has the most firepower of that group. I’ve run through every P5’s depth chart and while someone can point to some rando, this isn’t a regionally biased view. It’s just a weird year.

The first articles and rankings about 2020 are typically misinformed and the blogs and mags will all catch-up. A UT weary writer base will naively look past ATM’s 80+ years of failure and proclaim their titleworthiness while simultaneously mocking Texas as again being probably overrated. That is all to be ignored. Texas will start ranked in the 16-20 range and they’ll finish in the playoffs or just outside of it with controversy. 

Iowa State and Okie Lite return a lot of key pieces. Between those two, blOU, and the wildcard that is LSU (all depends on how their talent gels w/ new coaches), there are at least three likely losses on the regular-season slate.

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texifornia

texifornia 57027

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19 minutes ago, satyanash said:

Iowa State and Okie Lite return a lot of key pieces. Between those two, blOU, and the wildcard that is LSU (all depends on how their talent gels w/ new coaches), there are at least three likely losses on the regular-season slate.

I know it's your shtick, but at least let us ease back into work after the holiday before shitting on our dreams, man.

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Hiphopopotamos

Hiphopopotamos 20876

Posted
Posted
26 minutes ago, satyanash said:

Iowa State and Okie Lite return a lot of key pieces. Between those two, blOU, and the wildcard that is LSU (all depends on how their talent gels w/ new coaches), there are at least three likely losses on the regular-season slate.

There is nothing 'likely' about Texas losing to Iowa State at home in 2020.

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closetojumping

closetojumping 62757

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, satyanash said:

Iowa State and Okie Lite return a lot of key pieces. Between those two, blOU, and the wildcard that is LSU (all depends on how their talent gels w/ new coaches), there are at least three likely losses on the regular-season slate.

Every team in the country faces teams that they have a decent shot of losing to on their schedule. That does not make any of it “likely”. It’s one thing to be a pussy, and another thing entirely to be willfully entrenched in the premise of being a coelenterate. Pull yourself together. 

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SydneyCarton

SydneyCarton 48112

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, satyanash said:

Iowa State and Okie Lite return a lot of key pieces. Between those two, blOU, and the wildcard that is LSU (all depends on how their talent gels w/ new coaches), there are at least three likely losses on the regular-season slate.

"Oklahoma State returns a lot of key pieces. Texas returns way more key pieces and has substantially better athletes across the board. Advantage Oklahoma State."

 

source.gif

 

 

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Burt Macklin

Burt Macklin 19038

Posted
Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, satyanash said:

Iowa State and Okie Lite return a lot of key pieces. Between those two, blOU, and the wildcard that is LSU (all depends on how their talent gels w/ new coaches), there are at least three likely losses on the regular-season slate.

Iowa State does not return a lot. lulz.

They’re losing 9 starters, including 3 OL and probably their 2 best defensive players in Lima and Spears. They’re only 52nd in returning production and that even underrated the loss of a guy like Lima who made their defense work, but didn’t rack up big stats.  They can’t replace talent the same way other programs do, so those losses will really hurt them and we’re playing them at home. We should be heavily favored. 

37 minutes ago, SydneyCarton said:

"Oklahoma State returns a lot of key pieces. Texas returns way more key pieces and has substantially better athletes across the board. Advantage Oklahoma State."

 

source.gif

 

 

Actually OSU returns way more than us. They only lose like 3 starters, while keeping Hubbard and Wallace, and have some key transfers coming in with Sills, who’s an All-Big 12 OT, and a DE from Arky. They almost definitely beat A&M if Sanders was healthy, so they’d be a 9-4 team that’s 9th in the country in returning production, and I’d say even better than that with Sills replacing a starter at OL. That combined with Ok St being in Stillwater, and I’d say they’re likely to be favorites. 
 

I think we’ll be slight underdogs against LSU, OU, and probably at Ok St., though that could be a slight Texas lean. Other than that, we should be fairly heavy favorites in every other game. I’d guess our O/U for the season will be 9, but with actual good coaching we could definitely win 10 or 11. 

Edited by Burt Macklin
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