Countryisms

[Buzzrock 14920]

I spent my youth on a production farm in the middle of nowhere, and as such worked with some very country folk. They had a lot of interesting sayings. One common one during a thunderstorm was “It’s raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock.” Another more obscure one was “She fucks like a tied fighter” which is apparently some sort of dog reference.

 

Whatcha got?

[TwiceHorn 31470]

S/he don't know up from shootem.

A (fill in your race/ethnicity/person) would steal the horns off a billygoat.

[Coyote 269]

He’s about as worthless as tits on a boar hog.

Colder than a witches tit out here.

Shines like a diamond in a goats ass.

Poor girl would make a train take a dirt road.

My wife and I both come from the sticks, and our fathers are full of these sayings. We were just laughing about it last night at dinner.

[Liteitup 138]

Fucked like a tied up goat.

Vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

You'd argue with a fence post. ( I heard that one a lot from my father)

[baboso 6056]

Darker than a well digger's ass.

Somebody beat her with the ugly stick.

I'm just here to eat fried chicken and help out with the fuckin'.

[Scheiss Meister 8407]

That boy's dumber'n a stump.

She's purtier than a speckled pup.

They're too poor to have a pot to piss in.

He's meaner than rock soup.

He's too dumb to pour piss out of a boot, even with instructions on the heel.

Edited January 12, 2020 by Scheiss Meister

[fattyflattie 4639]

Finer than frogs hair. 

*raining like a two dick bull on a flat rock.  

[Whitewater Horn 968]

Madder than a centipede on a hot rock.

Happier than a puppy with two peters.

Uglier than homemade sin.

Sweatin’ like a whore in church.

 

[Glorified Garbageman 11]

Harder than chinese arithmatic

Harder than a whore's heart

Harder than a preacher's dick

Fuller than a tick at a dog show.

[Dennis Taylor 18822]

Had a roommate from Gilmer and when hung over it was "I feel like I got ate by a bear and shit off a cliff " 

RIP JLG, and fuck cancer

[Pato del Muerto 52498]

Hotter than a 3 dicked billy goat 

nuther coat of paint ‘n it would’ve hit ‘em

[tbone_ 14123]

Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick

I have to piss like a three dicked mule

[RedDirtTexan 209]

"That (whatever's) bigger than Dallas."

[Fuck Tim Beck 3816]

Mensa couldn't coach a starving dog to eat. 

[Walden Ponderer 12639]

Aunt Sally's in the kitchen. (I've never found out the origin of this one, but it's used to describe a situation in which it's raining even though the sun is shining visibly.)

[Pato del Muerto 52498]

4 minutes ago, Walden Ponderer said:

Aunt Sally's in the kitchen. (I've never found out the origin of this one, but it's used to describe a situation in which it's raining even though the sun is shining visibly.)

That situation is when the devil’s beating his wife. 

[Walden Ponderer 12639]

3 minutes ago, Pato del Muerto said:

That situation is when the devil’s beating his wife. 

That's got its origins among Germanic people. One of my favorite variations is "The Devil is making pancakes." ???  In some North African cultures, it's "The wolf is getting married."

Long story short, people are weird.

Anyway, the "Aunt Sally" version is probably British, because "Aunt Sally" figures prominently in stories where someone is getting fooled. Aunt Sally doesn't know what's up, and most of the "Aunt Sally" idioms relate to her husband stealing money for booze, or cheating on her, or tossing her cooking to the dogs when she's not looking, because in addition to being gullible, she's also apparently a bad cook.

[Agent 13 314]

One of my favorites was "Looks worse than death eating a biscuit".

[Davis Lane 5584]

He ain't worth killin'.

High'r than a cat's back.

I thought you was for true.

Let's go eat dinner*.

Piss on the fear and call in the dogs.

My tireds is hangin'.

 

 

*lunch

 

[dogfarts 45]

He is so tall, he could go duck hunting with a rake.

[Kilgorehorn 308]

Slicker 'n snot on a doorknob.

[Revolution512 1487]

When something’s expensive....“Higher than giraffe pussy”

Confirmations.....”Is a pigs pussy pork?”

[ImissWallyPryor 9046]

My grandpa (farmer) always said, “If you don’t go to bed, you’ll never get up.”

My dad grew up on that farm, and he would say, “Tighter’n a nun’s pussy.”

Edited January 12, 2020 by ImissWallyPryor

[Pato del Muerto 52498]

43 minutes ago, Kilgorehorn said:

Slicker 'n snot on a doorknob.

*owlshit

[Pato del Muerto 52498]

Don’t know if any of these are country, but

ass over teakettle

shit from shinola

ass from your elbow 

[Jerry Callo 8703]

5 minutes ago, Pato del Muerto said:

Slicker 'n snot on a doorknob.

Slicker 'n whale shit in an ice flow

Colder 'n a witch's tit in a brass bra

Dumb as a box of hammers

Hit by an ugly stick

Fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch

Lower than a snake's ass in a wagon rut

 

[Chooky 13307]

It's colder than a sack full of assholes out there.

It's hotter than a sack full of assholes out there.  

[UT_OB1 2223]

Hotter than lil sister. 
 

yeah, I don’t want to know the details. 
 

Colder than a coal miner’s asshole. 

[Beau Vine 54228]

 

[markstanco 12577]

Fuck you and the horse you rode in on, OP.

[Errestaurants 2570]

Damn, that boy is kinda squirrelly

That (insert whatever looks fucked up) is Whopper Jawed

 

 

[Doze 1322]

Coolest thing since sliced bread

Breath so bad that it would knock a buzzard off a shitwagon.

Happier than a sissy with a dick in his mouth

[AM Wood 335]

Sweating like Britney Spears taking the SAT’s

[Buzzrock 14920]

One of my favorites that I'll told all my buddies an then used throughout college: "I ain't gettin in no bar fight. He might know dat shit." (Referring to karate or whatever)

Another from the same farmhand:
"You eat pussy?"

"Sure."

"Not me. I ain't eaten nothing that'll make a dick puke."

I spent a summer re-roofing a barn with a true country relic, and he was a world class cusser. Unfortunately that was 35 years ago so I don't remember too much of it, but he had one that he uttered daily and it was very racist.

Very. Racist. Here goes:

"Do you work with vim and vigor lest ye be taken for a n*****."

He would walk past me and my hs best friend who I got a job on the farm with me so we could hang out, and if we weren't giving it our all he'd say "Vim and vigor vim and vigor."

[Stormandy 2]

You look like you were shot at and missed, shit at and hit.

Darker than a sack of assholes.

He's crooked as a boar's prick.

Go to bed with the chickens, remember to wake up the rooster doing chores.

So ugly they buried the baby and raised the afterbirth.

 

 

[deadshank 24653]

Kid is so dumb I bought him books for school and a mule to get there and what does he do?  He stands on the books and screws the mule. 

He’d screw anything from a bullet hole to the crack of dawn. 

Happy as a peach orchard boar. 

Tighter than Dick’s hatband. 

Country as a chicken coop. 

 

[ImissWallyPryor 9046]

2 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

 

Did he say, “In Kansas City, it’s hotter than tourrets in a fucking wool sock?” 

[The Dude 1244]

Dumber than a sack of hammers.

and that looks like hammered shit

crazy as a shit house rat

tighter than a frog’s asshole

She looks like she was rode hard and put up wet

Colder than a well diggers ass

Edited January 12, 2020 by The Dude

[RPM 26321]

Even a blind sow finds an acorn now and then.

[Stormandy 2]

Worthless as a rented mule.

Cold enough enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. 

Any horse can fart in morning, but it takes a stout mule to fart at the end of the day.

Worthless bastard could break an anvil in a sand box.

He works as slow as molasses in the winter.

Ran over a snake on the road going uphill. It is going to rain.

 

[Buffsoldier 1895]

You are just fucked up like a football bat.

You woke up this morning and took a whole bottle of dumbass pills. 

That one there's my pet window licker. (Used to describe the dumbest soldier in the unit)

[bmbmd 1027]

Hotter than a toad frog on the fourth of July. (or a firecracker)

Quicker than grain through a goose.

Mean as a junk yard dog. 

Poor as a church mouse. 

Longer than there's been fishes in the ocean.  Higher than any bird ever flew.  Longer than there's been stars up in the heavens-sorry, wrong thread. 

 

[ruitxn 296]

What’s the matter, cat got your tongue ?

[Doc Reeves 6434]

All these posts are unpossible. 
 

none of them begin with “you might be a red neck if...”

[Beau Vine 54228]

2 hours ago, ImissWallyPryor said:

Did he say, “In Kansas City, it’s hotter than tourrets in a fucking wool sock?” 

He meant to say “In Kansas City, it’s hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock” 

[wd40 1976]

5 hours ago, Pato del Muerto said:

*owlshit

**deer guts

greener'n owl shit

 

[msucolt45 4059]

Nuttier than squirrel shit

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

i gotta piss like a 3 pussied possum

[Guadaloopy 10970]

- If I was an happier, I’d be twins. 

[Scheiss Meister 8407]

You're as welcome as the rain.

He's shadier than a Philadelphia lawyer.