Countryisms

[Trey3216 15346]

-So poor they couldn’t rub two nickels together

-drunker than Ted Kennedy 

-hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock

-higher than a giraffe’s ass 

-rode hard and put up wet 

-Don’t get your dobber in the dirt

 

 

[Etexhorn13 3051]

More fucked up than a soup sandwich. 

[Sam Lin 3559]

might can _______ ... (used wherever you'd say "might be able to ______)

He looked like all the cheese slid off his cracker.

[immortal13 4059]

She's finer than frog's hair

You look like 10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound sack

 

 

[immortal13 4059]

His elevator doesn't go all the way to the top

Few bricks shy of a load

As nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs

[High Plains Drifter 11050]

Deader than fried chicken

Deaf as a fence post

Lazier than a dead cat

 

 

[NWBuck 8568]

Sweatin' like a guy from Indiana tryin' to read. 

I'm so angry I could back up to a doorknob and bite it off. 

[NWBuck 8568]

9 hours ago, Pato del Muerto said:

shit from shinola

 

[Pato del Muerto 52500]

1 hour ago, Sam Lin said:

might can _______ ... (used wherever you'd say "might be able to ______)

He looked like all the cheese slid off his cracker.

I prefer might could 

[Grippe 310]

It might look stupid, but if it works, then it ain't stupid.

[NWBuck 8568]

5 hours ago, Pato del Muerto said:

I prefer might could 

Used to could for past tense 

[CycleTex87 2970]

Two from my grandmother:

well I’ll swanny (a general purpose exclamation denoting surprise, especially for kids stuff). “Hey grandma, I win the spelling bee!”  Well I’ll swanny!  No idea what that means. 
 

What the Sam Hill is going on here?  No idea the origin of this phrase. 
 

anything that we’re “fixin” to do. 

[Not that Bob 738]

17 minutes ago, CycleTex87 said:

 

anything that we’re “fixin” to do. 

Pronounced "fittin-duh". "I'm fittin-duh go to HEB...if they are open."

[CycleTex87 2970]

7 minutes ago, Not that Bob said:

Pronounced "fittin-duh". "I'm fittin-duh go to HEB...if they are open."

actually, the really shorthand version is finna:  "I'm finna go get some beer, want a couple cases?"

[Prepuce of Doom 21074]

14 hours ago, RPM said:

Even a blind sow finds an acorn now and then.

The sun shines on a dog's asshole every now and then. 

Here's a geographic plot of the different regional terms to describe rain when it's sunny out. Lots of other neat stuff in here, too. 

https://www4.uwm.edu/FLL/linguistics/dialect/staticmaps/q_80.html

[Chris Dishman's Donut 192]

Slower than pond water

Dumb as a box of rocks

 

[Fuck Tim Beck 3816]

That boy would fuck up a 2 car funeral 

[Jerry Callo 8703]

Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

[HornsOverIthaca 2333]

I like it when the past tense of throw is “thowed”, such as “I thowed that old tire over the fence.”

[Elvis 3371]

My uncle would tell his Mexican ranch hands, "No lunchee my beans!"

[Felix 607]

Momma's biscuits taste so good if you put one on top of your head your tongue would beat your brains out trying to get to it.

[The Royal We 3072]

I was shaking like a dog shittin peach seeds.

We were so broke we couldn't pay attention.

We didn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of.

He was richer than 3 feet up a bull's ass.

That boy couldn't fight his way out of a wet paper bag.

You got zach-lees breath - your breath smell zachlees like your asshole.

[El Diablo 4232]

Grinning like a mule eating corn.

[Jerry Callo 8703]

He's got dunlap disease - his belly dun laped his belt buckle.

[High Plains Drifter 11050]

2 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

The sun shines on a dog's asshole every now and then. 

 

 

The sun don't shine on the same dog's ass 24 hours a day

 

is the way I've heard it.

[You don't know me 1161]

Smells like a bag full of assholes in here. (I still use this one on my boys from time to time)

Harder than woodpecker lips.

[Mach 1 1677]

Came to post Devil Beating his Wife but see that's covered. I thought it sounded cool as a kid but now I'm thinking WTF?  Who comes up with something like that.  And what is it supposed to mean, the sunny raindrops are the wife's tears?

My mee maw would always say "You don't mean it!"  in hard Texas drawl whenever I told her some dumb kid story.  It was meant kind of like, "That's fantastic!"   She'd say it over and over and I'd just nod my head and smile.

Grandpa told me I was "grinning like a dog eating shit" when he bought me a Chunky one time.

[Pato del Muerto 52500]

Rather than hens teeth

[NotActuallyALonghorn 4976]

She was staring at me like a calf looking at a new gate.

[CHIEF 5089]

I'll put a knot on your head, so big, a calf could suck it.

If I could buy you for what you think you're worth and sell you for what you're really worth, I would be a rich man.

Having you help me, is like losing three good men.

She/he is so ugly they have to drink curdled milk.

It was cut out right, but sewed up wrong. (poor design)

His/her teeth are so crocked, they could eat corn on the cob through a tennis racket.

She should sue the city for building the sidewalk too close to her ass. (short)

The Good Lord split her a long way before he decided to punch a hole. (My granddad used to say this when he saw a long legged woman)

One of my own:

My town was so small, that the city limit signs entering and leaving town were on the same post.

 

CHIEF

[Trey3216 15346]

7 hours ago, Jerry Callo said:

He's got dunlap disease - his belly dun laped his belt buckle.

I’ve heard: He suffer in’ from a hangover.  His belly hangover his belt 

[TwiceHorn 31482]

10 hours ago, CycleTex87 said:

Two from my grandmother:

well I’ll swanny (a general purpose exclamation denoting surprise, especially for kids stuff). “Hey grandma, I win the spelling bee!”  Well I’ll swanny!  No idea what that means. 
 

What the Sam Hill is going on here?  No idea the origin of this phrase. 
 

anything that we’re “fixin” to do. 

Swanny or swan was discussed on a Way With Words on NPR.  It is a contraction of the phrase "I shall warrant," as in I do declare, or I swear.

Strangely enough, to "swear" (as in a solemn oath) was thought, like more conventional cuss or swear words, to be sacrilegious.  So there were a number of ways of saying basically "I swear" that danced around the swearing part.

[Pato del Muerto 52500]

Dollar waitin’ on a dime 

walking past dimes to pick up pennies

[Stormandy 2]

Don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you.

[Iceman 2713]

That's uglier than a bull's nuts tied up with a log chain.

If that kid's brains were gas, it wouldn't get a piss-ant's motorcycle around a BB.

[Elvis 3371]

My 93yo Grandma still says warsh instead of wash.

[TrashMaster G 17557]

I'm so broke that if it cost a dollar to go around the world, I couldn't afford to get outta sight.

Screwed up like bubblegum

Dumber than a day-old aggie

[3shot 139]

I wouldn't piss on him if he was burnin'.  

[Shoxthemonkey 1981]

If brains was leather, he couldn't saddle a bug.

[burntorangebongos 10713]

He's so small-brained that if you put it in a bug, it'd roll around like a BB in a boxcar.

He's only good for 2 things... fuckin and fryin meat.

If you're waiting on me, you're backing up.

[Pig Bellmont 8719]

That dog won’t hunt

[The Royal We 3072]

I'd rather have it and not need it, then need it and not have it.

Some good ones on this page, I'm going to try to remember this'un - "It was cut out right, but sewed up wrong." thanks @CHIEF

[abuelo gringo 321]

If it were a snake, it woulda bit me.

He's too old to cut the mustard. (from a song or a song was written about the countryism)

Were you raised in a barn?  (If you didn't close a door behind you.)

A day late and a dollar short.

Little pitchers have big ears.

[Spaulding Smails 1552]

He's messed up like a snake in a lawnmower

That boy could screw up a wet dream

I'd bang her like a screen door on a shrimp boat in a hurricane

[Buzzrock 14921]

Haven’t had this much fun since the hogs ate my sister.

That’s fucked upper’n polio.

[tfoolry 8215]

Do what?

 

[Bullneck 19097]

On 1/12/2020 at 9:54 AM, Coyote said:

Colder than a witches tit in a brass bra.

 

[Bullneck 19097]

On 1/13/2020 at 8:25 AM, CycleTex87 said:

Two from my grandmother:

well I’ll swanny (a general purpose exclamation denoting surprise, especially for kids stuff). “Hey grandma, I win the spelling bee!”  Well I’ll swanny!  No idea what that means. 
 

What the Sam Hill is going on here?  No idea the origin of this phrase. 
 

anything that we’re “fixin” to do. 

I think you grandmother knew my grandmother.

[Bullneck 19097]

On 1/12/2020 at 12:22 PM, Dennis Taylor said:

Had a roommate from Gilmer and when hung over it was "I feel like I got ate by a bear and shit off a cliff " 

RIP JLG, and fuck cancer

My grandmother (from Robstown) would say: "I feel like I been shot at and missed and shit at and hit."

[Druggist 303]

More country than a fried okra sandwich

a shop keeper out in Leakey used this to describe the hunting guide my brother was looking to meet up with.