Most people reach peak for being miserable around age 47, study suggests (US men = early 50's)

[G650 14263]

1 minute ago, BabaYaga said:

Might also look into blood work for any latent autoimmune issues?

It's important to note that this can also be the opposite of what people think. I have what is essentially an overactive immune system, which means I never get sick, but get allergic response like a bitch.

[BabaYaga 15300]

5 minutes ago, G650 said:

It's important to note that this can also be the opposite of what people think. I have what is essentially an overactive immune system, which means I never get sick, but get allergic response like a bitch.

Yep.  Wife had Graves (thyroid issue).  Daughter also has a thyroid issue.  Super common in one form or another.  Some too much.  Others too little.  Regular blood work helps track your progress.

[MissingInAction 25104]

2 hours ago, workswithseed said:

Yeah, do you need some help? 

Is my sarcasm meter off?

I'll be fine until I am not. 

[deadshank 24653]

I'd feel better about myself if all the rest of you had therapy.

[Moby Ric 2058]

47, very happily married, three wonderful kids, nice home, nice life. The only complaint Have now is that I own my own business and I have been enjoying that for 10 years now.  But I am coming to a crossroads in it where eI either need to build it up more and plow ahead, or I go get a real job and this can be a lucrative side hustle for years to come.  I am desiring a little security and leaning toward getting a real job.

[MissingInAction 25104]

2 hours ago, deadshank said:

I'd feel better about myself if all the rest of you had therapy.

I think my avatar says it all, but it looks like CV is going to wipe us all out anyway so fuck it. 

[J.R. Juniors Junior Jr. 1084]

On 1/17/2020 at 11:49 AM, DCA_HORN said:

On 1/17/2020 at 11:32 AM, Storm the Field said:

Jesus, Billy Crystal's character in this movie is 39? He's in his fucking 70's now. He's older than Jack Palance was during filming.

This phenomenon always fucks with. I'll be watching something and Google it or whatever. Oh I am older than James Gandolfini was for most of the Sopranos. Interesting.

I always thought he looked 10 years older than his character, but in reality was the same age and died at 51.

[F250 28777]

15 minutes ago, MissingInAction said:

I think my avatar says it all, but it looks like CV is going to wipe us all out anyway so fuck it. 

[Buffsoldier 1895]

46.  A good job.  A good second job.  An amazing daughter, and an equally amazing girlfriend.

And I'm completely miserable right now.  Of course, that's because of an existential crisis that hit me in the face like a sledgehammer....swung from the Concorde.

3 weeks ago the girlfriend told me something about her past that was like the last puzzle piece needed to figure out what the picture is, when you don't have the box.  I've been fed little bits of data over the past 20-30 years and this was the last thing that tied them all together.  It became clear that the number of what I'd consider common experiences that a large percentage, if not most, of the population has...... I don't.  And the self confidence I had on who I was, how I fit into the universe around me, how big and complete my list of life experiences are is gone.  It feels akin to believing, knowing, that you're in a 10x10 room, and then someone turned on some the lights and you find out that you're in a 500,000 SF warehouse.  It's jarring and terrifying.  I now feel incredibly small, woefully inadequate, and shockingly incomplete as a person. This has been as impactful on my psyche as my Dad's death 21 years ago.

I've actually started seeing a therapist for it.  She confirmed that it's an existential crisis, and not a run of the mill mid-life one.  Somehow that's comforting that it's really as big a deal, to me, as I think it is.  She also said that it's gonna be a long process, which I already kinda knew before I even reached out to her.  And she said that this is an "opportunity for tremendous personal growth."  Right now it sure as hell doesn't feel like it.

 

[MissingInAction 25104]

If I could afford a the-rapist I would see one, but even with insurance it is $45 a visit. 

[XYZ 2154]

Existencial crisis and mid-life crisis are different things?

[G650 14263]

19 minutes ago, Buffsoldier said:

It became clear that the number of what I'd consider common experiences that a large percentage, if not most, of the population has...... I don't. 

So the second half of the paragraph I fully understand for a variety of reasons, and I kind of consider myself on the tail end of it and feel much more self actualized than I have for awhile. This sentence is curious though, what do you mean by it?

[Buffsoldier 1895]

20 minutes ago, G650 said:

So the second half of the paragraph I fully understand for a variety of reasons, and I kind of consider myself on the tail end of it and feel much more self actualized than I have for awhile. This sentence is curious though, what do you mean by it?

I feel that the number and type of common experiences that I have in my life is much, much smaller and the list is MUCH more incomplete than the list of experiences held by my friends, peers and loved ones.  I want to be clear that what I'm referring to is NOT a list of pleasurable experiences.  It's experiences both positive and negative.  Experiences that help make a person...well, whole.  Complete.  Even negative In the concept of Yin and Yang, I've got some Yang, and not a lot of Yin, and even the Yang list is shorter than those in my world.  And as a result, I feel much smaller than those around me, and much more incomplete.  Misshapen.  Full of holes. I feel like I have a child's level of experience in a world of grown ups.

In the interest of brevity, I'll list just a few.

I've never smoked weed.  Not once.  And I went to college in Boulder for 5 years, for fucks sake.

For that matter, I've never done ANY illegal recreational pharmaceutical, other than alcohol underage.

I've never cheated on a woman I've been in a committed relationship with.  Looked at other girls?  Sure.  Talked to/flirted with?  Yep.  But never touched, kissed or had sex with anyone else if I was in a committed relationship.

I've never been arrested.  Hell, I've only had 1 speeding ticket my whole damn life.

I fully realize that not all of the above are positive, healthy experiences.  Some may be positive to some, and negative to others.  "So what?  That just means you're a good person, and you haven't fucked up like the rest of us."  Right?  Not necessarily.  I know THAT I shouldn't do those negative things.  But I don't know the intricacies of WHY.  I know a shit ton of good people that have fucked up, LEARNED from it, and used that knowledge and maybe those regrets to make themselves a better person.  It's like telling a little kid "don't touch that stove.  It's hot, and it'll hurt."  He knows that it'll hurt, yep.  But once he goes ahead and does it, he's gonna know EVERY LAST DETAIL of WHY it's a bad thing.

Right now I feel like that little kid who's never done anything.

Edited January 30, 2020 by Buffsoldier
Clarity on the cheating part.

[XYZ 2154]

15 minutes ago, Buffsoldier said:

I feel that the number and type of common experiences that I have in my life is much, much smaller and the list is MUCH more incomplete than the list of experiences held by my friends, peers and loved ones.  I want to be clear that what I'm referring to is NOT a list of pleasurable experiences.  It's experiences both positive and negative.  Experiences that help make a person...well, whole.  Complete.  Even negative In the concept of Yin and Yang, I've got some Yang, and not a lot of Yin, and even the Yang list is shorter than those in my world.  And as a result, I feel much smaller than those around me, and much more incomplete.  Misshapen.  Full of holes. I feel like I have a child's level of experience in a world of grown ups.

In the interest of brevity, I'll list just a few.

I've never smoked weed.  Not once.  And I went to college in Boulder for 5 years, for fucks sake.

For that matter, I've never done ANY illegal recreational pharmaceutical, other than alcohol underage.

I've never cheated on a woman I've been in a committed relationship with.  Looked at other girls?  Sure.  Talked to/flirted with?  Yep.  But never touched, kissed or had sex with anyone else if I was in a committed relationship.

I've never been arrested.  Hell, I've only had 1 speeding ticket my whole damn life.

I fully realize that not all of the above are positive, healthy experiences.  Some may be positive to some, and negative to others.  "So what?  That just means you're a good person, and you haven't fucked up like the rest of us."  Right?  Not necessarily.  I know THAT I shouldn't do those negative things.  But I don't know the intricacies of WHY.  I know a shit ton of good people that have fucked up, LEARNED from it, and used that knowledge and maybe those regrets to make themselves a better person.  It's like telling a little kid "don't touch that stove.  It's hot, and it'll hurt."  He knows that it'll hurt, yep.  But once he goes ahead and does it, he's gonna know EVERY LAST DETAIL of WHY it's a bad thing.

Right now I feel like that little kid who's never done anything.

Dude, I don’t want to minimize your feelings. They are what they are. Having said that, I think that there are plenty of people who haven’t done those things you mention. Smoking weed...you are not missing much. Cheated on a woman...never done it and have no intention of ever doing it. And get this, I’ve never “been” with any woman other than my wife. Never been arrested either and don’t intend to. There’s other things I’ve done that I’m glad I did, mostly adventure type stuff. Two years ago I went on a seven-day guided kayaking trip in f’n Greenland. Never been in a kayak before. Glad I did that. I bet you are still young enough to do something like that. Go for it.

[MissingInAction 25104]

I feel you buffsoldier. There are some common things I haven't done ( relationship, kids, house,travel)  which I know will never happen, and it gets to me sometimes.

On the other hand there many many experiences I've had which most people have not nor will ever have due to me living my first 35 years not giving a single fuck. 

I take solace understanding it is the path I chose. Nobody's fault but my own. 

[G650 14263]

41 minutes ago, Buffsoldier said:

I feel that the number and type of common experiences that I have in my life is much, much smaller and the list is MUCH more incomplete than the list of experiences held by my friends, peers and loved ones.  I want to be clear that what I'm referring to is NOT a list of pleasurable experiences.  It's experiences both positive and negative.  Experiences that help make a person...well, whole.  Complete.  Even negative In the concept of Yin and Yang, I've got some Yang, and not a lot of Yin, and even the Yang list is shorter than those in my world.  And as a result, I feel much smaller than those around me, and much more incomplete.  Misshapen.  Full of holes. I feel like I have a child's level of experience in a world of grown ups.

In the interest of brevity, I'll list just a few.

I've never smoked weed.  Not once.  And I went to college in Boulder for 5 years, for fucks sake.

For that matter, I've never done ANY illegal recreational pharmaceutical, other than alcohol underage.

I've never cheated on a woman I've been in a committed relationship with.  Looked at other girls?  Sure.  Talked to/flirted with?  Yep.  But never touched, kissed or had sex with anyone else if I was in a committed relationship.

I've never been arrested.  Hell, I've only had 1 speeding ticket my whole damn life.

I fully realize that not all of the above are positive, healthy experiences.  Some may be positive to some, and negative to others.  "So what?  That just means you're a good person, and you haven't fucked up like the rest of us."  Right?  Not necessarily.  I know THAT I shouldn't do those negative things.  But I don't know the intricacies of WHY.  I know a shit ton of good people that have fucked up, LEARNED from it, and used that knowledge and maybe those regrets to make themselves a better person.  It's like telling a little kid "don't touch that stove.  It's hot, and it'll hurt."  He knows that it'll hurt, yep.  But once he goes ahead and does it, he's gonna know EVERY LAST DETAIL of WHY it's a bad thing.

Right now I feel like that little kid who's never done anything.

That's certainly understandable. I didn't basically all that and then some, which I wouldn't necessarily recommend, so I don't have that going on, but there's other circumstances that can give you that feeling I think. Like "when does life start?" Which it obviously has been going on the whole time, but it can be difficult to really feel that.

[XYZ 2154]

5 minutes ago, MissingInAction said:

I feel you buffsoldier. There are some common things I haven't done ( relationship, kids, house,travel)  which I know will never happen, and it gets to me sometimes.

On the other hand there many many experiences I've had which most people have not nor will ever have due to me living my first 35 years not giving a single fuck. 

I take solace understanding it is the path I chose. Nobody's fault but my own. 

Take “kids” off your list. Trust me on that one. It is hugely overrated. I’m currently living in hell because “kids”.

[G650 14263]

Disagree. My kid best thing going for me.

[MissingInAction 25104]

9 minutes ago, XYZ said:

Take “kids” off your list. Trust me on that one. It is hugely overrated. I’m currently living in hell because “kids”.

That's the thing though. I will never know. 

[blacklab 11939]

Buff, I made it 50 years and 15 days before I spent a day in jail. It’s not that great and not something you need to feel you missed out on. 

[Buffsoldier 1895]

The last several posts have really served to highlight my point:

"Weed bad"

"Kids bad"

"No, kids good!"

And we all know there's roughly 1.7 MILLION posts on this board alone exhorting just how great weed is.

And here I sit, not having any fucking clue how good, how bad it is/would be for me.

26 minutes ago, MissingInAction said:

That's the thing though. I will never know. 

Motherfucking exactly.

6 minutes ago, blacklab said:

Buff, I made it 50 years and 15 days before I spent a day in jail. It’s not that great and not something you need to feel you missed out on. 

Again, this is NOT ABOUT ME MISSING OUT ON GOOD EXPERIENCES. This is about me missing out on ALL experiences that would make me a COMPLETE person.  BL, let me ask you:  Now that you've done it, do you want to do it again?  Did you learn something from it? And if you did, do you think there's any way you can describe the absolute full depth of the experience?  Or were there some aspects of it that you'd have to experience personally in order to get the FULL, COMPLETE depth of knowledge?

[MissingInAction 25104]

 I will second the "you can skip jail" sentiment.

[blacklab 11939]

31 minutes ago, Buffsoldier said:

Now that you've done it, do you want to do it again?

absolutely not

31 minutes ago, Buffsoldier said:

Did you learn something from it?

Yeah. There's a whole segment of society that I never want to be involved with in any way. Also, everyone that works there is completely fucking jaded.

32 minutes ago, Buffsoldier said:

And if you did, do you think there's any way you can describe the absolute full depth of the experience? Or were there some aspects of it that you'd have to experience personally in order to get the FULL, COMPLETE depth of knowledge?

Probably not, but I think if you give me an hour I can describe it well enough that you will not want to go 

I'm not going to tell the whole story here, but I did get some lulz out of it.

Not too long after I got there a crazy mexican dude (CMD) showed up. His face looked like a caveman from the Far side cartoon. He was muttering to himself, laughing out loud, and making weird gestures with his hands. About 30 minutes later a 6 foot 280 pound white dude (DWD) showed up drunk as fuck and sat about 4 feet away from CMD. He sat still for a few minutes and then passed out, falling to his side and his head hit CMD's feet. CMD jumps up and screams like a little girl, mutters "Crazy fucking white people" stares at me for a minute and gets a new seat. I look around and realize me and DWD are the only white people here.

A Wilford Brimly looking 70 year old or so shows up a little white later. He looked completely out of place, much like me.  A noise startles DWD and he jerks his head up, wakes up and looks around not really sure where he's at, then the light goes off and he realizes he's in jail. He stares at me for more than a minute, then turns to old dude and asks "What the fuck are you doing here?" Old dude responds very quietly so I don't pick up the whole conversation but it's something about he got sued but never got served with the lawsuit so he didn't show up to court and the judge held him in contempt and now he's here. Something about owning a gas station and the EPA and now his daughter is having to drive 6 hours to post his bond. Just like me he had never been to jail in his life but now gets to check it off his bucket list.

Strait out of central casting a homeless, druggy/alcoholic dude shows up. (HLD) Adamantly claims he was arrested for jaywalking. Every person in the jail knows him by name and he knows them all as well. He goes on, rather loudly I might add, about the unfairness of America, now it's a police state, and how the cops took his six pack, fresh pack of smokes that weren't even opened yet and his lighter and how they just ruined his whole day. A rather large and muscular guard comes over to tell him to be quiet. HLD tells him to fuck off. Guard tells him he's going to wrap him into a little pretzel if he doesn't settle down. HLD settles down. Guard walks off. HLD goes through his history with that guard. "Fucker has beat me up at least 4 times. Complete with kidney punches and kicking me while I'm down. He's fucking a psycho and likes beating people up." "Don't fuck with him" he advises no one in particular.

It's now 2pm and HLD has not eaten and is not happy. Starts yelling about it. They ask if he he wants to go to a room. He says yes and tells all the guards that are around him to fuck off.  A counselor quickly scurried from his office to the room  The next ten minutes we only heard one side of the conversation. Highlights included multiple "Fuck you"s, "No I'm not going to fucking  kill myself you fucking idiot." , "What kind of fucking question is that?"

 

[G650 14263]

Last time I was in jail, in Charleston SC, the bum in the holding cell with me started jerking off. Pretty much when I vowed never to go to jail again.

[Armybrat 40850]

The only brief time I was in a jail (in Mexico) some drunk asshole puked on my shoes.

Never forge.

[Buffsoldier 1895]

4 minutes ago, Armybrat said:

The only brief time I was in a jail (in Mexico) some drunk asshole puked on my shoes.

Never forge.

[Armybrat 40850]

The t

[po elvis 2073]

5 hours ago, blacklab said:

absolutely not

Yeah. There's a whole segment of society that I never want to be involved with in any way. Also, everyone that works there is completely fucking jaded.

Probably not, but I think if you give me an hour I can describe it well enough that you will not want to go 

I'm not going to tell the whole story here, but I did get some lulz out of it.

Not too long after I got there a crazy mexican dude (CMD) showed up. His face looked like a caveman from the Far side cartoon. He was muttering to himself, laughing out loud, and making weird gestures with his hands. About 30 minutes later a 6 foot 280 pound white dude (DWD) showed up drunk as fuck and sat about 4 feet away from CMD. He sat still for a few minutes and then passed out, falling to his side and his head hit CMD's feet. CMD jumps up and screams like a little girl, mutters "Crazy fucking white people" stares at me for a minute and gets a new seat. I look around and realize me and DWD are the only white people here.

A Wilford Brimly looking 70 year old or so shows up a little white later. He looked completely out of place, much like me.  A noise startles DWD and he jerks his head up, wakes up and looks around not really sure where he's at, then the light goes off and he realizes he's in jail. He stares at me for more than a minute, then turns to old dude and asks "What the fuck are you doing here?" Old dude responds very quietly so I don't pick up the whole conversation but it's something about he got sued but never got served with the lawsuit so he didn't show up to court and the judge held him in contempt and now he's here. Something about owning a gas station and the EPA and now his daughter is having to drive 6 hours to post his bond. Just like me he had never been to jail in his life but now gets to check it off his bucket list.

Strait out of central casting a homeless, druggy/alcoholic dude shows up. (HLD) Adamantly claims he was arrested for jaywalking. Every person in the jail knows him by name and he knows them all as well. He goes on, rather loudly I might add, about the unfairness of America, now it's a police state, and how the cops took his six pack, fresh pack of smokes that weren't even opened yet and his lighter and how they just ruined his whole day. A rather large and muscular guard comes over to tell him to be quiet. HLD tells him to fuck off. Guard tells him he's going to wrap him into a little pretzel if he doesn't settle down. HLD settles down. Guard walks off. HLD goes through his history with that guard. "Fucker has beat me up at least 4 times. Complete with kidney punches and kicking me while I'm down. He's fucking a psycho and likes beating people up." "Don't fuck with him" he advises no one in particular.

It's now 2pm and HLD has not eaten and is not happy. Starts yelling about it. They ask if he he wants to go to a room. He says yes and tells all the guards that are around him to fuck off.  A counselor quickly scurried from his office to the room  The next ten minutes we only heard one side of the conversation. Highlights included multiple "Fuck you"s, "No I'm not going to fucking  kill myself you fucking idiot." , "What kind of fucking question is that?"

 

but how was the sex?

[Pig Bellmont 8719]

8 hours ago, Buffsoldier said:

I feel that the number and type of common experiences that I have in my life is much, much smaller and the list is MUCH more incomplete than the list of experiences held by my friends, peers and loved ones.  I want to be clear that what I'm referring to is NOT a list of pleasurable experiences.  It's experiences both positive and negative.  Experiences that help make a person...well, whole.  Complete.  Even negative In the concept of Yin and Yang, I've got some Yang, and not a lot of Yin, and even the Yang list is shorter than those in my world.  And as a result, I feel much smaller than those around me, and much more incomplete.  Misshapen.  Full of holes. I feel like I have a child's level of experience in a world of grown ups.

In the interest of brevity, I'll list just a few.

I've never smoked weed.  Not once.  And I went to college in Boulder for 5 years, for fucks sake.

For that matter, I've never done ANY illegal recreational pharmaceutical, other than alcohol underage.

I've never cheated on a woman I've been in a committed relationship with.  Looked at other girls?  Sure.  Talked to/flirted with?  Yep.  But never touched, kissed or had sex with anyone else if I was in a committed relationship.

I've never been arrested.  Hell, I've only had 1 speeding ticket my whole damn life.

I fully realize that not all of the above are positive, healthy experiences.  Some may be positive to some, and negative to others.  "So what?  That just means you're a good person, and you haven't fucked up like the rest of us."  Right?  Not necessarily.  I know THAT I shouldn't do those negative things.  But I don't know the intricacies of WHY.  I know a shit ton of good people that have fucked up, LEARNED from it, and used that knowledge and maybe those regrets to make themselves a better person.  It's like telling a little kid "don't touch that stove.  It's hot, and it'll hurt."  He knows that it'll hurt, yep.  But once he goes ahead and does it, he's gonna know EVERY LAST DETAIL of WHY it's a bad thing.

Right now I feel like that little kid who's never done anything.

 

I don’t want to minimize the existential examination, but there’s no objective level of completeness or package of experiences common to every person... or every American... or even every member of your socio-economic class. To the extent you haven’t had certain experiences, they aren’t “missing” from a more complete picture. You just have a different picture. We all have different pictures. (I promise I’m not high)

[Brisketexan 105152]

 

I don’t want to minimize the existential examination, but there’s no objective level of completeness or package of experiences common to every person... or every American... or even every member of your socio-economic class. To the extent you haven’t had certain experiences, they aren’t “missing” from a more complete picture. You just have a different picture. We all have different pictures. (I promise I’m not high)

This. Buff, do your best not to compare yourself to others.

You served. Dude...that’s comes with about 10,000 different experiences that I’ll never have.

You went through a difficult divorce, right?You’re ahead of me there.

I remember being amazed by my classmates in elementary school who were scared of horses and cows when we went to the livestock show - turns out a lotta city kids never spent time on a ranch.

And I was amazed by my law partner, who grew up in a small town - he was flipped out by the DC metro on a work trip; he’d never used urban mass transit.

Folks in Kansas have 1,000 experiences from growing up near farms. They don’t know shit about the ocean.

People in San Diego have 1,000 experiences from living next to the ocean. They don’t know shit about tractors or feeding chickens.

The list could go on, way on. We all have our paths. That’s the way it is. You can’t control the path behind you. You can only exercise agency over the path in front of you. Do so. And ideally, do it with someone you love.

[workswithseed 2112]

10 hours ago, MissingInAction said:

I think my avatar says it all, but it looks like CV is going to wipe us all out anyway so fuck it. 

 

[TwiceHorn 31489]

24 minutes ago, Pig Bellmont said:

 

I don’t want to minimize the existential examination, but there’s no objective level of completeness or package of experiences common to every person... or every American... or even every member of your socio-economic class. To the extent you haven’t had certain experiences, they aren’t “missing” from a more complete picture. You just have a different picture. We all have different pictures. (I promise I’m not high)

Completely agreed, and with brisket's too.

I would submit that your analysis of "other people's experiences" and conclusion that they are somehow more complete than you are is just a processing error.

[Buffsoldier 1895]

3 minutes ago, Pig Bellmont said:

I don’t want to minimize the existential examination, but there’s no objective level of completeness or package of experiences common to every person... or every American... or even every member of your socio-economic class.

This I wholeheartedly agree with.  There's no set script that EVERYONE has to follow, but if there's not a reasonable enough overlap with the experiences, it's hard to fit in, it's hard (or at least much harder) to engage with my friends, peers and loved ones, and it's much harder to simply relate to them, and for them to relate to me.

Quote

To the extent you haven’t had certain experiences, they aren’t “missing” from a more complete picture. You just have a different picture. We all have different pictures. (I promise I’m not high)

And this I do not.  Yes, the picture for me is different, but the list is SO MUCH SMALLER as to make it incomplete for what should be an adult in the world I've been occupying as an adult.  Small enough that it makes the above fitting in/engagement/relating really fucking difficult.  The picture I have, now, after the lights have come on, is smaller, and there's holes all over it.  I thought it was a nice 8"x10", and it's a wallet size that a toddler went to work on with a hole punch.

This may sound like a joke, but I'm actually being serious here.  Think of it like this: I for the longest time have been thinking that I've been on the same level as all of you because we're all football fans, and we've all been football fans for the entirety of our adult lives.  Now the lights are partially on and I'm finding out that I'm a Colorado football fan while the rest of you are Texas football fans.  Do you really think I have the background, the depth of experiences and depth of memories of CU Football to participate on an equal footing with the rest of you?  Do you think, legitimately speaking, that the rest of you as a collective, will then treat me the same as you treat each other?  Or will you as a collective treat me as that child that brags on something they've done?  "I've got a Heisman winner too!"  "Oh, that's nice dear.  Hey, have you seen the new swingset in the backyard?  You should go check it out."

That's the world I woke up and realized I'm in now.  I'm woefully short on experiences to be participating with my friends, peers and even loved ones now.

[Fondren & Main 6721]

7 hours ago, MissingInAction said:

 I will second the "you can skip jail" sentiment.

I’ll third it. 

[SaucyJack 3488]

On 1/17/2020 at 6:47 AM, Armybrat said:

47? That was four decades ago.... can’t remember if I was pissed off or not.

4 decades ago we were happy.

We had The Clash. They were a little pissed. 

[Brisketexan 105152]

And this I do not.  Yes, the picture for me is different, but the list is SO MUCH SMALLER as to make it incomplete for what should be an adult in the world I've been occupying as an adult.  Small enough that it makes the above fitting in/engagement/relating really fucking difficult.  The picture I have, now, after the lights have come on, is smaller, and there's holes all over it.  I thought it was a nice 8"x10", and it's a wallet size that a toddler went to work on with a hole punch.
This may sound like a joke, but I'm actually being serious here.  Think of it like this: I for the longest time have been thinking that I've been on the same level as all of you because we're all football fans, and we've all been football fans for the entirety of our adult lives.  Now the lights are partially on and I'm finding out that I'm a Colorado football fan while the rest of you are Texas football fans.  Do you really think I have the background, the depth of experiences and depth of memories of CU Football to participate on an equal footing with the rest of you?  Do you think, legitimately speaking, that the rest of you as a collective, will then treat me the same as you treat each other?  Or will you as a collective treat me as that child that brags on something they've done?  "I've got a Heisman winner too!"  "Oh, that's nice dear.  Hey, have you seen the new swingset in the backyard?  You should go check it out."
That's the world I woke up and realized I'm in now.  I'm woefully short on experiences to be participating with my friends, peers and even loved ones now.

Thanks for fucking reminding me of the game where Texas handed Rashaan Salaam the heisman.
Also, seriously - think of how much experience and perspective serving in the military gave you. I have none of that. None.
My guess - and it’s right, by the way - is that you’re looking at a very limited set of “experiences,” and you feel like you fall short there. But if you expand your view of experiences, you have a shitload in common with others (like your fellow soldiers), and advantages of experience over others (me).
But o get how you feel. I do. You’re reaching that point in life where you can think “I should’ve done X, I haven’t done X, and I’ll never do X.” Yep. You and me both. But know that we ALL have that experience and feeling.
You are who you are. You have a path in front of you. Breathe deep, and enjoy it.

[Pig Bellmont 8719]

Buff, man, I respect you. Your feelings about your life matter. Let me say this last thing: you parsed my post into two sections. One you said you agreed with and the other you took issue.
 

To me, both quotes are ways of saying the same thing.
 

I’m not saying you or others can’t or shouldn’t desire more/different experiences- just that there’s no baseline or minimum. I think there are healthy ways to channel your desire to take in new things.
 

I hope you don’t think I’m preachy - I don’t have shit figured out but my issues are different 

[workswithseed 2112]

27 minutes ago, Brisketexan said:

This. Buff, do your best not to compare yourself to others.

You served. Dude...that’s comes with about 10,000 different experiences that I’ll never have.

You went through a difficult divorce, right?You’re ahead of me there.

I remember being amazed by my classmates in elementary school who were scared of horses and cows when we went to the livestock show - turns out a lotta city kids never spent time on a ranch.

And I was amazed by my law partner, who grew up in a small town - he was flipped out by the DC metro on a work trip; he’d never used urban mass transit.

Folks in Kansas have 1,000 experiences from growing up near farms. They don’t know shit about the ocean.

People in San Diego have 1,000 experiences from living next to the ocean. They don’t know shit about tractors or feeding chickens.

The list could go on, way on. We all have our paths. That’s the way it is. You can’t control the path behind you. You can only exercise agency over the path in front of you. Do so. And ideally, do it with someone you love.

This, I moved to Oregon for my still girlfriend, I became a welder, I live in Portland. I worked on a side farm making $8 a hour no with no overtime, I never shot a handgun till I moved here.

Your life is different than mine, and there is nothing wrong with that. I won't know what a life as a soldier is like, and never will. I hope to have kids, but I could die any moment. I actually never graduated a 2 year college.

You have things that make you you

 

[troph 24810]

Buff - I get you. Everyone is saying yeah skip this one or skip that one, but you can’t jump in and say, “yeah man, totally wish I coulda skipped that one too.” And when they say this one or that one is great, you can’t say “hell yeah it was”. There is a lack of connection with people because of it. It’s not comparing it’s not being able to relate. Worse maybe, it could mean you’ve wasted half your life. Now I disagree with that, and like the others are saying you might not be focused on what you have experienced, but in any event, the reason to want experience is to gain wisdom and to be interesting to others. What really matters are your relationships. And I’ve listened to you here for years. You’ve got a TON of wisdom. Wisdom is hard to measure and folks think discrete experiences stacked together is a reasonable facsimile for wisdom and it simply is not.

 

That said, listen to yourself and if a crisis is brewing then make the change and go and do. But that may still funnel into the same buckets - building relationships and growing wisdom. And you seem to have that down pretty damn well.

 

 

[ImissWallyPryor 9046]

1 hour ago, Buffsoldier said:

This I wholeheartedly agree with.  There's no set script that EVERYONE has to follow, but if there's not a reasonable enough overlap with the experiences, it's hard to fit in, it's hard (or at least much harder) to engage with my friends, peers and loved ones, and it's much harder to simply relate to them, and for them to relate to me.

And this I do not.  Yes, the picture for me is different, but the list is SO MUCH SMALLER as to make it incomplete for what should be an adult in the world I've been occupying as an adult.  Small enough that it makes the above fitting in/engagement/relating really fucking difficult.  The picture I have, now, after the lights have come on, is smaller, and there's holes all over it.  I thought it was a nice 8"x10", and it's a wallet size that a toddler went to work on with a hole punch.

This may sound like a joke, but I'm actually being serious here.  Think of it like this: I for the longest time have been thinking that I've been on the same level as all of you because we're all football fans, and we've all been football fans for the entirety of our adult lives.  Now the lights are partially on and I'm finding out that I'm a Colorado football fan while the rest of you are Texas football fans.  Do you really think I have the background, the depth of experiences and depth of memories of CU Football to participate on an equal footing with the rest of you?  Do you think, legitimately speaking, that the rest of you as a collective, will then treat me the same as you treat each other?  Or will you as a collective treat me as that child that brags on something they've done?  "I've got a Heisman winner too!"  "Oh, that's nice dear.  Hey, have you seen the new swingset in the backyard?  You should go check it out."

That's the world I woke up and realized I'm in now.  I'm woefully short on experiences to be participating with my friends, peers and even loved ones now.

Okay, I'll be one to address the elephant in the room.  What's with your left eye?  There has to be story behind that.

[RayDog 682]

49-50 was the worse for me when I broke up with my girlfriend of 12 years and lost both parents.

Then I retired, sold everything, and started traveling. Life could not get better. I have a 24 year old girlfriend but had a threesome a few days ago with 18 year old best friends. Last fall I figured out how to unify relativity and quantum field theory and how to replace quark theory in the same month. My next book is coming out in a couple months and I just started my YouTube channel. Had a fight with the gf so looking for someone new to fuck tonight, and that won't be difficult here.

[G650 14263]

7 hours ago, Brisketexan said:

This. Buff, do your best not to compare yourself to others.

You served. Dude...that’s comes with about 10,000 different experiences that I’ll never have.

You went through a difficult divorce, right?You’re ahead of me there.

I remember being amazed by my classmates in elementary school who were scared of horses and cows when we went to the livestock show - turns out a lotta city kids never spent time on a ranch.

And I was amazed by my law partner, who grew up in a small town - he was flipped out by the DC metro on a work trip; he’d never used urban mass transit.

Folks in Kansas have 1,000 experiences from growing up near farms. They don’t know shit about the ocean.

People in San Diego have 1,000 experiences from living next to the ocean. They don’t know shit about tractors or feeding chickens.

The list could go on, way on. We all have our paths. That’s the way it is. You can’t control the path behind you. You can only exercise agency over the path in front of you. Do so. And ideally, do it with someone you love.

Good shit here.

[Iceman 2715]

16 hours ago, Buffsoldier said:

 

I've never smoked weed.  Not once.  And I went to college in Boulder for 5 years, for fucks sake.

For that matter, I've never done ANY illegal recreational pharmaceutical, other than alcohol underage.

I've never cheated on a woman I've been in a committed relationship with.  Looked at other girls?  Sure.  Talked to/flirted with?  Yep.  But never touched, kissed or had sex with anyone else if I was in a committed relationship.

I've never been arrested.  Hell, I've only had 1 speeding ticket my whole damn life.

 

You never jumped off a 10 story building head first either, have ya?

Why is the lack of the highlighted experiences a "miss in life?"  I also don't understand the feeling inadequate because the world went from the 10'x10' room to a warehouse.

Be who you fucking are and go.   That's life.  Hell, if you just discovered all of these new opportunities, why would that be a negative?  and some of those are straight up bad experiences that you can hang your hat on knowing you didn't fuck up that way.

Edited January 31, 2020 by Iceman

[Buffsoldier 1895]

It's become clear over the last several replies that I'm in no way, shape or form adequately describing what's going on with me. The fault for that is mine and mine alone. For that, I apologize to you all. I'm going to bow out of this thread, and potentially out of the site in general for a while, and work on trying to cope.

Thank you.

[BrickHorn 18237]

6 hours ago, RayDog said:

I have a 24 year old girlfriend but had a threesome a few days ago with 18 year old best friends. Last fall I figured out how to unify relativity and quantum field theory and how to replace quark theory in the same month.

When you don’t know whether to mail a letter to Penthouse forum or post to r/physics

Edited January 31, 2020 by BrickHorn

[blacklab 11939]

51 minutes ago, Buffsoldier said:

It's become clear over the last several replies that I'm in no way, shape or form adequately describing what's going on with me. The fault for that is mine and mine alone. For that, I apologize to you all. I'm going to bow out of this thread, and potentially out of the site in general for a while, and work on trying to cope.

Thank you.

No need to apologize for anything. We're a bunch of dudes so we want to fix everything, which is why the replies are the way they are. You're a good poster and I hate to see you go. I hope you find what you're looking for.

[Brisketexan 105152]

No need to apologize for anything. We're a bunch of dudes so we want to fix everything, which is why the replies are the way they are. You're a good poster and I hate to see you go. I hope you find what you're looking for.

Yep.
Keen talking and thinking. Sometimes, it’s important to be able to vent and bitch and have some other folks who aren’t that different than you chime in and share their common experience. I know it feels better when I tell my buddy about whatever stupid shit my wife keeps doing, and it turns out, his does the same thing.
Good luck to you - you’re a good dude, and you’re working the problem. That’s all any of us can ever do.

[TwiceHorn 31489]

Just now, Brisketexan said:

Yep.
Keen talking and thinking. Sometimes, it’s important to be able to vent and bitch and have some other folks who aren’t that different than you chime in and share their common experience. I know it feels better when I tell my buddy about whatever stupid shit my wife keeps doing, and it turns out, his does the same thing.
Good luck to you - you’re a good dude, and you’re working the problem. That’s all any of us can ever do.

Kind of the essence of talk therapy.  Sometimes nothing more than the perspective from another person is all that's required.  Sometimes it takes a professional.  And if there's any guilt or shame tied up with it, just getting it out in the open can be therapeutic.

[FondrenRoad 4378]

18 hours ago, XYZ said:

Take “kids” off your list. Trust me on that one. It is hugely overrated. I’m currently living in hell because “kids”.

 

18 hours ago, G650 said:

Disagree. My kid best thing going for me.

For me, both of these things are accurate. Life was certainly more personally rewarding before I had a kid and included more personal growth. Being a parent can be completely exhausting, and has also made me more risk averse when it comes to career and life choices than I had been before. Parenthood isn't without it's fun moments too though.  But it does fundamentally change you since someone else's existence becomes more important to you than your own, and that is both the scariest and greatest thing ever. 

The harder part, both emotionally and financially, for my wife and I was coming to terms with the fact that we were only gonna have one kid unless we adopt, which we may still do.  Finally letting go of the needing and the trying took a long while.  But I also know I'm missing out on things by being a parent at all, and I fully expect to have a new existential crisis when my daughter becomes an adult and independent if I am still around. 

1 hour ago, Buffsoldier said:

It's become clear over the last several replies that I'm in no way, shape or form adequately describing what's going on with me. The fault for that is mine and mine alone. For that, I apologize to you all. I'm going to bow out of this thread, and potentially out of the site in general for a while, and work on trying to cope.

Thank you.

I wish you the best. And I know exactly what you mean.  Your feelings are your own. There are many things I missed out on as well and some of them absolutely bother me.  It is easy to say you could just smoke weed today and check that off, but I understand completely that it isn't the same.  It does remind me of something a good friend of mine is going through when it comes to alcohol.  Everyone has tales of college binge drinking. He didn't and it always bothered him.  He developed an alcohol problem in his 40s because of it. 

Part of the issue is that we still look at adulthood through the same eyes we did as a child. As a child, you think adults have life all figured out.  That you come of age at a certain phase of life and are an adult afterward.  The real truth is that we are all still children, are all still growing, and are all still coming of age mentally. It's never too late for growth.

When I finished college and worked at a job that was a beating, I asked my uncle when he figured it all out.  He raised three kids, had a great job, had a good relationship with my aunt, had the white picket fence.  He laughed and said "Figured it out?  I still don't know what the fuck I'm doing and a lot of the time I wish I had done something else."

I will also say I've never been to jail and would happily live the rest of my life without ever going to jail. 

Edited January 31, 2020 by FondrenRoad

['stache 21817]

1 hour ago, Buffsoldier said:

It's become clear over the last several replies that I'm in no way, shape or form adequately describing what's going on with me. The fault for that is mine and mine alone. For that, I apologize to you all. I'm going to bow out of this thread, and potentially out of the site in general for a while, and work on trying to cope.

Thank you.

I haven't seen much judgment which is unusual for the surl, so I think people are at least empathizing somewhat. I have long known that I have lived a very square life. Two parents still married, one sister, lower middle class growing up but comfortable. High school, college, law school, job, marriage, kids. A little travel but rare and nothing spectacular. I've only had one serious relationship and that is with my current wife. Very little romantic or sexual experience otherwise. Some friends and several acquaintances, but I lack some social skills that make it difficult to find really close friends other than those I've known for 20+ years. 

I am fully aware of all of this and have self-doubt. But I find the key to the world is empathy. I do everything I can to not judge others based on my lack of experiences. I don't fully understand your crisis, but I also understand that I can't know. So I have no judgment on how you feel and how you're dealing with it. It sounds like therapy is helping, so that's good. I hope you stick around. For surly, this has been pretty tame.