Funniest single lines from comedians

[Goo Punch 4275]

"She stood on the heads of those little people."

I lose it every single time.

 

[SuingToGetAMessageBoard? 3861]

my favorite from him is wrapping up the steve jobs bit and going "old charger doesn't fit the new phone?  that's your hero?"

[Goo Punch 4275]

Just for clarity: I'm looking for one line that makes you just lose it when you hear it. It doesn't have to be a one-liner, and it can be part of a routine; there can be some preamble. I'm just looking for that one line that just kills you when you hear it. 

Edited February 3, 2020 by Goo Punch

[Red Five 40690]

I bet “Board” is spelled B-O-R-E-D.

[michaelpshayes 417]

"This guy was a real jerk"

 

[Iceman 2647]

1:55 mark...

 

[TheStoicPaisano 9904]

*is introduced, first line*

I AIN’T SCARED OF YOU MUTHAFUCKAS!

[Al_4_ISU 12409]

You shaved the bitch down and taught her to speak.

[immortal13 4059]

Cool thread

[Underdog 28459]

I bought a used car, my wife's dress was in the backseat. 

[Jerry Callo 8668]

 

[SuingToGetAMessageBoard? 3861]

1 hour ago, Jerry Callo said:

 

Classic Norm.  As soon as he started that joke, I knew what the punchline was going to be.  
 

re: Albert Fisch. It shows just how brilliant he is even off the cuff.   When (whoever that was) said gimmick, Norm latched onto that for his great joke about “maybe the worst gimmick a comic had ever had.”

 

dude is just a genius.  

[mulletpelini 5210]

Norm is unquestionably top 5 funniest on the planet, #1 imo

now to the thread title

"put the cat on the phone I'm lost."

[Neonmoon 38127]

You put me in a cage with anything, anything, and after a week I'll fuck it. 

[BrickHorn 18198]

4 hours ago, Red Five said:

I bet “Board” is spelled B-O-R-E-D.

“Just like a snake.”

”You know, Big Acid doesn’t care about the little guy.”

”Now you’re thinking like Albert Fish.”

[XYZ 2154]

“Just when I think you couldn’t possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this...and totally redeem yourself!”

[Deej 76584]

Just about any putdown from Don Rickles.

[Viper 12034]

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

[Viper 12034]

Does that sound like how white people talk? . . . It sounds like something that I would say!

[Mach 1 1677]

Little Boy Blue?

He needed the money.

[Junior Miller 1502]

I don't go to strip clubs. If I wanted to pay a woman to pretend to love me I'd get married again. 

[Junior Miller 1502]

Hedberg always had weird but great ones. 

I gotta write these jokes so I sit at the hotel at night and think of something that's funny then I go get a pen and write it down. 

Or if the pen is too far away I convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny

[ernest_t_bass 1196]

"I used to do drugs.  I still do.  But I 'used to,' too!"

- Mitch Hedberg, RIP

[Junior Miller 1502]

5 hours ago, Jerry Callo said:

 

There's a great Artie Lang Norm story:

Artie: I did this movie in the late 90s with Norm McDonald called Dirty Work. When it came out I read a newspaper review and told Norm that the reviewer said "in Dirty Work Artie Lang has all of the charisma of a date rapist". 

Norm: Wow, that's great!

Artie: What do you mean? He said I have the charisma of a fucking date rapist. 

Norm: Yeah, that's great. A date rapist has to have way more charisma than a regular rapist. 

[Gil Bang 25901]

"Assassinated?...them two niggas got shot"

[Gil Bang 25901]

5 minutes ago, Junior Miller said:

There's a great Artie Lang Norm story:

Artie: I did this movie in the late 90s with Norm McDonald called Dirty Work. When it came out I read a newspaper review and told Norm that the reviewer said "in Dirty Work Artie Lang has all of the charisma of a date rapist". 

Norm: Wow, that's great!

Artie: What do you mean? He said I have the charisma of a fucking date rapist. 

Norm: Yeah, that's great. A date rapist has to have way more charisma than a regular rapist. 

The better one is Artie opening for Norm in SFO.  Right before artie goes on, norm pulls him aside and says "listen motherfucker, this is a big gig, we are in SFO, there WILL be no gay jokes".  Artie is shitting bricks because that's 1/3 of his act.  He knows Norm is serious, so he struggles through his 20 minutes or so. 
Norm gets introduced, comes out, takes the mic, looks around and says "wow, there's a lot of fags here".

[pyrohornIII 4811]

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

[mycox 582]

Too many single lines to list

 

Edited February 4, 2020 by mycox

[henrygandorf 29180]

when you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

i also enjoy (clip below) the whole "oh really, what happened next?  did you fly through the air?  incredibly?  like a bird?  did you participate in the miracle of flight, you non-contributing zero?"

 

[PilotsError 2283]

It's not a line, it's a look. Brian Regan's JFK amusement ride bit, when he turns his head....the first time I saw that was the absolute hardest I've laughed.

[Hornius Emeritus 12424]

"Here's a guy with an ingenious mind. He'd call a football play like this...."Now, listen to this, now. Uh, Arnie, go down, uh, ten steps and cut left behind the black Chevy. Filbert, you run down to my house and wait in the living room. Cosby, you go down to 3rd Street, catch the "J" bus. Have him open the doors at 19th Street. I'll fake it to you."

[Iceman 2647]

4 hours ago, Hornius Emeritus said:

"Here's a guy with an ingenious mind. He'd call a football play like this...."Now, listen to this, now. Uh, Arnie, go down, uh, ten steps and cut left behind the black Chevy. Filbert, you run down to my house and wait in the living room. Cosby, you go down to 3rd Street, catch the "J" bus. Have him open the doors at 19th Street. I'll fake it to you."

I listened to a shit-ton of Cosby records growing up.  Loved his recounting of his childhood adventures such as the buck-buck tale and  the movie theater.

Still fucked up what a shithead he turned out to be...He was funny as hell, until suddenly he wasn't.

[Vito Andolini 9115]

Carol Leifer, with perhaps the greatest joke ever told by a female comic: 

“I don’t have any kids. Well, (takes on douchey guy look while polishing nails on shirt) none that I know of!”

[Native Horn 3493]

10 hours ago, pyrohornIII said:

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

Stephen Wright?

"I bought some used paint.  It came in the shape of a house."

"I bought a life-size map of the United States.  It said "one mile equals one mile.""

[Red Five 40690]

It’s amazing that Norm’s question to Jerry was “do you think this will hurt Cosby’s legacy?”. Yeah, yeah I think it just might.

[BornOrange 1441]

Take my wife...please.

[South Austin 52166]

Most anything my ex-wife tells me.

[henrygandorf 29180]

1 hour ago, Native Horn said:

Stephen Wright?

"I bought some used paint.  It came in the shape of a house."

"I bought a life-size map of the United States.  It said "one mile equals one mile.""

my two favorites were always:

"you can't have everything.  where would you put it?"

"why is the alphabet in that order?  is it cause of that song?  the guy who wrote that wrote everything."

[Junior Miller 1502]

1 hour ago, Red Five said:

It’s amazing that Norm’s question to Jerry was “do you think this will hurt Cosby’s legacy?”. Yeah, yeah I think it just might.

When was it filmed? If it was right after the initial accusation(s) but he hadn't gone to jail yet and the me too stuff hadn't kicked off yet then it could have been a valid question. 

Of course since it's Norm it was probably filmed last November 

[Jerry Callo 8668]

Norm doesn't ask valid questions - even if they seem like valid questions.  He asks questions to set up jokes.

[Lat22 3994]

I had the right to remain silent, but I didn’t have the ability. 

[SuingToGetAMessageBoard? 3861]

2 hours ago, Jerry Callo said:

Norm doesn't ask valid questions - even if they seem like valid questions.  He asks questions to set up jokes.

srsly, guys.  you'll recall norm is employed in the comedy business.

[HornPhD 1364]

I’m the map

[Jerry Callo 8668]

20 minutes ago, SuingToGetAMessageBoard? said:

srsly, guys.  you'll recall norm is employed in the comedy business.

srsly, that wuz my point

[SuingToGetAMessageBoard? 3861]

(i was agreeing because I was equally flummoxed by the commentary above)

[Jerry Callo 8668]

51 minutes ago, SuingToGetAMessageBoard? said:

(i was agreeing because I was equally flummoxed by the commentary above)

Ok.  I think I agree.  I was flummoxed by your response to my response to Junior Miller's commentary.

[Drew 2331]

"No Reason to hit Women?  NO Reason?!?  I could give you 17 right now off the top of my head.  You just don't do it!"

[Junior Miller 1502]

20 minutes ago, Jerry Callo said:

Ok.  I think I agree.  I was flummoxed by your response to my response to Junior Miller's commentary.

All good comedians ask questions to set up punch lines but only Norm is completely comfortable asking the absolute dumbest, worst questions to do it. It's part of what makes him great

[crony 352]

Now I'm the pepsi cola rapist cause I'm lazy.

[Steamboat1874 4032]

George Carlin for all of you jack asses wearing cowboy hats and boots......