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I'm An Alcoholic

El Diablo

By El Diablo
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BearSchlong
BearSchlong

My dad died tonight. Had a massive heart attack while on the way home from Church's Chicken. Single car accident, he flipped the SUV. I was on the way to his house and saw the ambulance driving to th

Celery Man
Celery Man

Welp, yesterday was 1,250 days sober for me.  Today is 1,251.  I don't talk about it much because it's a bit of a cliche and generally frowned upon (relationships in early sobriety), but I fell in lov

BBQ2Bayou
BBQ2Bayou

So I moved over to Baton Rouge from the Austin area over 4 years ago for a job. The job didn't turn out and I don't like the city at all. I've stayed basically because I'm an alcoholic. I'm single wit

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Charles DeMar

Charles DeMar 221

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5 hours ago, TwiceHorn said:

You have probably figured this out, but most groups have a "speaker meeting" once or twice a month.  Then, the other meetings tend to be more the regular format of "open discussion."  There's a bit of "decoding" to be done on types of meetings.  On occasion, you will get an outdated schedule and accidentally show up for a women's meeting and that is probably the most unwelcome you will ever feel at an AA meeting.  Lol.

Seriously.  Walked into room 2 instead of room one (or whatever) at Post Oak one day during a time I don't usually attend meetings.  Got 4' in and was met by a bunch of snarls "THIS IS A WOMEN'S MEETING!!!!"

Charles - "oops, ok, sorry ladies."

 

Wow.  The warmness was finominole.

 

 

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ztejas

ztejas 43452

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2 hours ago, Dewey said:

Had a friend who thought he'd try a sex addicts meeting, for his porn addiction. He called me after, scared mentally from what he heard, decided he really didnt hzve a problem there, just a little self discipline.

Sex/porn addiction has always been a weird one to me. I mean we all have a primal, hormonal, urge (that verges on need) to fuck. When does it go from being a horndog or jacking off a lot to having it be an addiction? When you're watching porn just to watch porn? When you're prostituting yourself just to have sex?

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TwiceHorn

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56 minutes ago, ztejas said:

Sex/porn addiction has always been a weird one to me. I mean we all have a primal, hormonal, urge (that verges on need) to fuck. When does it go from being a horndog or jacking off a lot to having it be an addiction? When you're watching porn just to watch porn? When you're prostituting yourself just to have sex?

Most/all 12-step programs use the "functional" definition of the addiction to whatever is the behavior of choice:  destructive or intolerable consequences and an inability to stop or moderate the behavior when the consequences are sufficiently severe.  So, like AA, it is when your job, relationships, finances, health and legal status start getting fucked up and you can't seem to stop, whether it's gambling, eating, drinking, drugging, fucking, jacking off, hookers, etc.

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Al_4_ISU

Al_4_ISU 12463

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6 hours ago, ztejas said:

I'd rather have zero drinks than one drink.

I don’t get this.  I think this is where I realized I wasn’t an alky, just someone who drank too damn much.

Ive never felt unsatisfied with just one drink if I was the driver, or simply didn’t want a hangover.

My issue was just wanting to go full interplanetary for two straight days every weekend.  And getting there, whether it was booze, weed, acid, or all 3.

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ztejas

ztejas 43452

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12 hours ago, Al_4_ISU said:

I don’t get this.  I think this is where I realized I wasn’t an alky, just someone who drank too damn much.

Ive never felt unsatisfied with just one drink if I was the driver, or simply didn’t want a hangover.

My issue was just wanting to go full interplanetary for two straight days every weekend.  And getting there, whether it was booze, weed, acid, or all 3.

Maybe unlike others in this thread, I don't feel the need or necessarily enjoy getting shitfaced every time I drink, but I would say 3 drinks is my absolute minimum if I'm drinking. 

One drink just doesn't do anything for me. And as soon as I've had the 2nd I want the 3rd. After that it gets kind of situational, but I don't get my rocks off at all unless 3 is the count. And in quick succession. Not talking about having 3 beers in total while watching the Texas game.

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El Diablo

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1 hour ago, BearSchlong said:

Our local sports guy got arrested and subsequently fired for getting arrested in Prostitution sting this week. Consequences much? He was the lovable, popular scamp that really added color to regional 2A, 3A obscure sports coverage.

That probably qualifies as unmanageability.

This the guy you're friends with? Or is that guy news anchor?

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BBQ2Bayou

BBQ2Bayou 807

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Can we just legalize hookers already? Man. Poor fella. 

 

272 days and feeling good. No real strong urges, but a bit of an urge yesterday driving home from being out of town for work. Just one of those perfect storms of having a long work week, being out of town the whole week and rolling back into town on a Saturday with perfect weather just had a tug at me of being the perfect day drinking time. Nothing beyond a fleeting feeling of nostalgia, but damn it did sound good. 

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El Diablo

El Diablo 4232

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14 minutes ago, BBQ2Bayou said:

Can we just legalize hookers already? Man. Poor fella. 

 

272 days and feeling good. No real strong urges, but a bit of an urge yesterday driving home from being out of town for work. Just one of those perfect storms of having a long work week, being out of town the whole week and rolling back into town on a Saturday with perfect weather just had a tug at me of being the perfect day drinking time. Nothing beyond a fleeting feeling of nostalgia, but damn it did sound good. 

It happens. Just play the tape all the way to the end. When I do that I'm fucked up like bubble gum, maybe get a DUI, lose my job, wife, house, well, you get the idea. Hang in there hoss, it's also a damn fine day to be sober.

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Charles DeMar

Charles DeMar 221

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19 hours ago, ztejas said:

Sober Super Bowl train leaving the station soon. Who's on board?

First one for me in quite a while.  Shook my head as I thought about some of them...don't really remember the games, of course, but remember the Mondays.  Glad to not be on that other train last night.

 

Nearly six months sober; God willing I cross that and pick up a chip this weekend.

 

Thanks to all for keeping this post train rolling.  Lots of love for the knowledge.

 

Charlie D

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Augustus

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On 1/29/2019 at 12:46 PM, El Diablo said:

I think the part that I've bolded holds true for AA as well, It's working for me today at least. Friday was 3 years. Just committed for the day.

Holy fuck, dude!

I didn't know you'd been going that long.  God Bless and way to go.

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Augustus

Augustus 3061

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On 1/29/2019 at 9:27 AM, Ptown said:

The Sinclair Method saved my life, after 5 years of trying and failing at AA, I was willing to do anything that might work. If your willing to commit to TSM,  it will work and the success rate for it is waaaaay higher than the success rate for AA. Best of luck man. 

Ignores burning sensation on back of neck.

Smiles and exhales.

 

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Genco

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I had to pick up a desire chip today. I didn't have an impressive amount of time accrued but it meant a lot to me. Self loathing, hopelessness, fear were the main course day 1. Day 2 was depression.

Today's day 3 and I had to compose myself in the parking lot on the way in. I left that meeting feeling completely revitalized. I'm going to owe my life to the pissheads in that room.

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Dewey

Dewey 3286

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I had to pick up a desire chip today. I didn't have an impressive amount of time accrued but it meant a lot to me. Self loathing, hopelessness, fear were the main course day 1. Day 2 was depression.
Today's day 3 and I had to compose myself in the parking lot on the way in. I left that meeting feeling completely revitalized. I'm going to owe my life to the pissheads in that room.
I drank from the age 15 til age 41, when I started my path to freedom, ie. sobriety. I realized how confused I was, not just at that moment, the beginning of sobriety, but my entire life I was confused. Finding the root of my problems, being able to pick up the pieces and organize them properly has given me freedom, freedom my old self would never allow (ego).

I wish you the very best on your journey, I can say I'm rooting for you and that there's so many people you dont know rooting for you. Always believe it will get better, no matter the size of the pitfall.
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SwanderedTalent

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9 hours ago, Genco said:

I had to pick up a desire chip today. I didn't have an impressive amount of time accrued but it meant a lot to me. Self loathing, hopelessness, fear were the main course day 1. Day 2 was depression.

Today's day 3 and I had to compose myself in the parking lot on the way in. I left that meeting feeling completely revitalized. I'm going to owe my life to the pissheads in that room.

self-loathing is just your addiction trying to use your brain to kill you. you need to look your brain in the eye and say FUCK YOU BRAIN. you need to do that in private, too, people will look at you a little funny if you have that conversation in public

I wish I could give you some glib advice that will make this easier, but nothing makes it easy besides time. It's simple, not easy. If you can resist the temptation to just say "this is too hard, fuck it" (which I have done a dozen or more times in the past three and a half years), you end up with some time and you get to feeling better and better. Even when you don't feel good, you feel better.

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TwiceHorn

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12 hours ago, XYZ said:

What is the Sinclair method?

You can look it up, but basically it involves taking the drug Naltrexone prior to drinking and continuing to drink.  Naltrexone blocks the receptors that alcohol intake floods in the brain so there is less euphoria and feeling of intoxication.  And apparently, continuing to drink while taking it is some sort of aversion therapy or conditioning that diminishes the phenomenon of craving, or wanting that shit really badly no matter how dire the apparent consequences.

AA or more holistic recovery types like you will find on this thread object to it for two reasons, that really are so related that it is a single objection.  And that is reliance on taking a pill.  Most of us assume that at some point, we would "forget" (accidentally on-purpose if you will) to take the pill and be right back on the treadmill.  More important than the volitional acts involved in taking/not taking a pill or choosing/not choosing to drink, we find that our drinking problems go beyond physical phenomena like craving (we will drink with or without craving, craving just insures that we keep on and have trouble stopping) because our entire psyche, our spirit if you will, is just a little bit off from what is apparently normal and we really need to rethink our relationship with ourselves, others, and the world at large.  Without that rethinking or reworking, we feel that we are doomed to a very unhappy life of which excessive alcohol consumption is just a symptom.

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TwiceHorn

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2 minutes ago, Dewey said:

I talk to my ego all the time, tell him to chill the fuck out. Lead with the heart.

I find that the "internal conversation" is very important.  I have never resorted to Stuart Smalley shit, but nipping the real negative internal conversation in the bud has positive consequences.

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Reagan1k

Reagan1k 3024

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9 hours ago, Genco said:

I had to pick up a desire chip today. I didn't have an impressive amount of time accrued but it meant a lot to me. Self loathing, hopelessness, fear were the main course day 1. Day 2 was depression.

Today's day 3 and I had to compose myself in the parking lot on the way in. I left that meeting feeling completely revitalized. I'm going to owe my life to the pissheads in that room.

Good on you Genco!  You took actions.  That's the way you do it. 

Make yourself walk into that meeting when you desperately want to drive off.  Lift your butt out of the chair and grab that desire chip when you really want to get behind the paint on the wall and disappear.

Against what you were feeling you took a step to do something that felt uncomfortable or unnatural and got some relief.  That's progress in sobriety.

Grab the next new guy that walks in with less time with you and give him some hope.  Whether you have 3 days or 3 weeks, that''ll seem like a lifetime of sobriety to the guy with 3 hours and it will help to keep you sober too.  

It's good to have you here!

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El Diablo

El Diablo 4232

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12 minutes ago, XYZ said:

There are some mental health professionals who think that addiction is rooted in childhood trauma. What do y’all think of that?

I guess it could be? Does it matter is what I have to ask myself. Self knowledge doesn't seem to be of much help to me personally.

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Dertyberd

Dertyberd 394

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31 minutes ago, XYZ said:

There are some mental health professionals who think that addiction is rooted in childhood trauma. What do y’all think of that?

I know that alcoholism is a progressive disease that I was predisposed to genetically.  I also know that I have had quite a bit of trauma in my life beginning in childhood.  When I discovered alcohol as a treatment for some trauma in high school it became my solution.  I was able to use alcohol as my solution for life's ups, downs, and shocks until it no longer worked and my life became unmanageable.  I think if I would've properly treated the trauma in my life at an early age or when it arose throughout, I may have been lucky to not progress to a point where I know I'm an alcoholic and can't drink normally.  I believe there is something to that, certainly, and I think it is useful to young people who haven't gotten to the point that I did when my solution became my problem.  It could save lives to have the proper treatment available before a person begins to self medicate.  I see therapy working like more of a vaccine than a cure.  I know I can't go back to drinking normally through self knowledge/therapy.  I tried it when I got sober the first time and it almost killed me.  I wound up crazier drunk than I had ever been before.  

Trauma sucks, life is hard, but thank God I am free and happy today.  

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BearSchlong

BearSchlong 8098

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20 hours ago, XYZ said:

There are some mental health professionals who think that addiction is rooted in childhood trauma. What do y’all think of that?

I grew up in an alcoholic household, and from a very early age I associated alcohol and cigarettes with glamour, excitement, and enjoyment.  I remember being like 10 years old wishing that I was 21 so I could drink scotch like my dad.

I'm sure there was a lot of other stuff that I've buried very deep in my psyche that contributed to my situation.

Thankfully, Dad and I both eventually got sober - but I honestly think that trauma is a contributing factor in my own alcoholism.

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TwiceHorn

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I firmly believe that there is a genetic component.  And trauma doesn't help, I'm sure.  I am adopted so there is a genetic wildcard there and didn't endure much trauma, although it is my understanding that trauma comes in all shapes and sizes and seems to be tailored to the vulnerabilities of the particular "victim."

The current foremost scientist on addiction seems to be Nora Volkow.  She studies brain scans of addicts for structural and functional differences between "normal" brains and addict brains.  If you want the cutting edge science, she is probably where you find it.

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Celery Man

Celery Man 20951

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On 2/5/2019 at 9:33 AM, TwiceHorn said:

I find that the "internal conversation" is very important.  I have never resorted to Stuart Smalley shit, but nipping the real negative internal conversation in the bud has positive consequences.

my favorite thing about the existence of bluetooth in cars is that when I'm having long drawn out conversations with myself working through whatever thing it is, it probably just looks like I'm having an animated phone conversation.

On 2/5/2019 at 12:57 PM, XYZ said:

There are some mental health professionals who think that addiction is rooted in childhood trauma. What do y’all think of that?

just from my own experience, I don't buy it.  I suppose something could have happened to me that I have absolutely no recollection of, but I had an incredibly stable and ideal childhood.  My mom died when I was 15, but I was 15 and already myself.  When I started drinking.... I remember the euphoria of the first time I got drunk, and in the coming years understanding explicitly that apart from the good feelings the thing that I loved about getting drunk was that it shut my brain up.  Not from screaming over some past trauma or whatever, but just from the constant overanalysis, fear/uncertainty/doubt, etc.

Which is also, for someone like me at least, the benefit of AA versus going down the path of something like the Sinclair method.  Apart from being a support system and its literature being a guidebook/resource manual for people with your very specific problem, AA is a program for dealing with the spiritual/mental dysfunction that makes you a good candidate for self medication through whatever destructive behavior.  That's why they keep spinning it off to other ones.  Maybe the Sinclair Method would work, but I think I'd need to be seeing a shrink simultaneously (hey anyone got a rec for a therapist in Austin preferably south PM me).  I get the aversion to the dogma, the rigidity, the aspects that feel religious or cultish - most people with this type of problem have a head thing that needs fixing in order for whatever fix or new habit on the chemical ingestion front to take.  AA is a system for that.

I've become a big fan of addressing problems with systems.

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Celery Man

Celery Man 20951

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In South Austin, the vibe that has suited me the most has been Cherry Creek (near Crockett, in the corner of that mall with the catfish place - you can enter from the back alley where the alcoholics are smoking cigarettes).

I went to some early meetings at 617 Clifford that were pretty good.

Westlake is fine - a little bit older, the room makes me sleepy, nice folks but at some point I decided it wasn't my crowd.

Keep meaning to check out Bouldin.

Western Trails was pretty rough the time or two that I went.

I went once to the... big church near Matt's El Rancho on Lamar and it was a huge meeting that was pretty structured.  Seemed interesting.

Your mileage may vary, and different times are different (the late one at Cherry Creek has more newbies, I kinda like that one).  This is from dabbling around a while ago with different meetings.  But for a while, I'll just pop into Cherry Creek every now and then.

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Richard Kimball

Richard Kimball 1495

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On 2/5/2019 at 1:11 PM, El Diablo said:

I guess it could be? Does it matter is what I have to ask myself. Self knowledge doesn't seem to be of much help to me personally.

Best explanation I ever heard was from a guy at the Bouldin group, hell, had to be 35 years ago. He said early in his drinking career, he had that one drunk where everything seemed perfect. He felt great. He felt alive. And he spent the rest of his drinking career trying to recapture that feeling. I don't really buy the childhood trauma thing. I drank because I liked getting drunk. I liked the feeling of euphoria. Never understood how someone could leave half a beer.

It was never a problem for me to go a week or a month without a drink. When I started drinking, though, I didn't stop until I was stinking drunk. For a while I tried to convince myself I could have a few and stop when I got the right level of buzz, but nah. It's not a problem for me not to drink, so I'm more fortunate than many. If I ever say, "oh, I'll have one glass of wine," though, yeah, empty bottle and I wake up a half hour late for work. 

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El Diablo

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3 hours ago, Richard Kimball said:

Best explanation I ever heard was from a guy at the Bouldin group, hell, had to be 35 years ago. He said early in his drinking career, he had that one drunk where everything seemed perfect. He felt great. He felt alive. And he spent the rest of his drinking career trying to recapture that feeling. I don't really buy the childhood trauma thing. I drank because I liked getting drunk. I liked the feeling of euphoria. Never understood how someone could leave half a beer.

It was never a problem for me to go a week or a month without a drink. When I started drinking, though, I didn't stop until I was stinking drunk. For a while I tried to convince myself I could have a few and stop when I got the right level of buzz, but nah. It's not a problem for me not to drink, so I'm more fortunate than many. If I ever say, "oh, I'll have one glass of wine," though, yeah, empty bottle and I wake up a half hour late for work. 

That's pretty much the Big Book's description of the alcoholic. There's an old cliche that the man takes a drink, then the drink takes a drink and then the drink takes the man. That second part may or may not be confusing to people. To some it might mean that the drinker felt so good that surely another one would make them feel better.

That wasn't the case with me once I became an alcoholic. It might have been true early on, I don't really recall. What it meant at the end was the phenomenon of craving set in after the first drink.

It's a bit difficult to describe really but after the first drink, for me, the mind would become somewhat satiated but the body would in some weird way become even more uncomfortable, the nerves more agitated. I think I've heard that alcohol has a dual action, it's both an irritant and a sedative. Imbibing sets up a negative feedback loop of sorts that doesn't end until the entire spectrum is saturated and ALL systems are subdued. I drank well beyond my mental needs because of my physical need to quiet the nerves that were inflamed by the alcohol I had consumed to quiet the mental.

I guess the psychologist/psychiatrist wants to find the root mental cause, "why do you take that FIRST drink?" and that's a good quest. I think if you were to ask most anyone WHY they drank they'd tell you it was to feel good, or to feel better. Same with opiate users or most any drug abuser. Well, what does that mean you were feeling BEFORE you used? Not so good?

In a perfect world it would be best if we never felt the need to feel "better". For some of us who seem to become compulsive about the need to feel better, well, all the knowing in the world just doesn't seem to help me. I just need a way of living where I'm comfortable enough in my own skin that I don't WANT to take that first drink.

Maybe psychs can get there with some people. I don't know and frankly I didn't have the time to find out. For me it's also very unlikely that I would have been totally honest or even shown up for the appointments or shown up sober. So there's that.

I think psychology can be beneficial to someone who's not in active addiction or perhaps in addition to treatment in early sobriety because the psychs do have some useful and effective tools. I don't think they could have gotten an alkie like me sober. 

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