I'm An Alcoholic

[Capn81 373]

Good on you PCH. Sending positive vibes your way.

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

45 minutes ago, tucker said:

Today is 30 days for me. It has been a long 30 days. I am thankful of the support and can’t say enough how helpful the meetings can be when having a hard time. I even started reading the big book. Not yet ready for a sponsor but so happy to be another day sober. 

I had a lot of negative perceptions of AA until I went to meetings. I’d highly suggest anyone even considering it just go and listen a few times  

 

Keep it up, man and good work. 30 days is something to be proud of. 

[Dewey 3,294]

Anyone have info on Austin Lakes? Good bad?

[BearSchlong 8,114]

Tucker - good on you, but dont fuck around. Get a sponsor. It's way easier when you have a good guide.

[SwanderedTalent 5,761]

7 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

Tucker - good on you, but dont fuck around. Get a sponsor. It's way easier when you have a good guide.

yeah getting a sponsor's not a big, lifelong commitment-- it kind of feels like that when you're new in the program but you very well may need or want to change sponsors, or your sponsor might fire you, etc. You don't have to get it right the first time. Just get one for now, even a temporary one. You will want that person to call.

[SHOOTER12 8,832]

I have been a long-time lurker on this thread, and can say only one thing....

BEST DAMNED THREAD ON THE SURL.

I have been paying particularly close attention to it as of the last week or two as our youngest daughter age 38 finally decided to go to AA last night. As a younger woman she absolutely hated alcohol but as result of a very bad divorce the aftermath of which is still causing her any problems. Her ex looks for any and all excuses to torment the hell out of her and cause problems which caused her to become a very bad binge drinker. She had an accident some months back and it was Kept For me that it was the result of drinking and she knew I would go ape on her. Night before last she was cleaning at a church that has her hired to do that and on the way home. Totally annihilated just driving home, no stops, just slamming vodka while driving. Her mother happened to have called her and could tell that there was something way off, and told me about it. The next day she finally broke down and went to an AA meeting. Her mother and I have been occasional / moderate drinkers for a long while. Thank God we have never had any problems.

I want to thank each and everyone of you for the stories and experiences you have shared here. I know it will help us in helping and supporting our daughter on her journey to sobriety. God bless each and everyone of you and may he keep you in his grace forever.

Edited March 12, 2019 by SHOOTER12

[El Diablo 4,232]

24 Hours a Day was a good read this morning. Prodigal son indeed. 

[SwanderedTalent 5,761]

6 hours ago, SHOOTER12 said:

on the way home. Totally annihilated just driving home, no stops, just slamming vodka while driving.

when we accept that relapse isn't "five beers on the couch watching the UT football game I'm not hurting anyone I just like to drink" and instead is "I'm risking a dozen felonies and the lives of every complete stranger on the road", we are ready to stay sober no matter what

good luck to your daughter, Shooter, you're a good one

[Dewey 3,294]

Same for most, drinking helped the problem, then became a problem. The good news, there are better ways to handle issues in life, it's a matter of willingness, and an open mind. All the best Shooter, to your daughter and your family.

[BearSchlong 8,114]

Thanks for sharing about your daughter, Shooter.  You should go with her to an open meeting sometime, at the very least you'll be entertained or horrified.  Hope she hears her story in the rooms.

[SHOOTER12 8,832]

2 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

Thanks for sharing about your daughter, Shooter.  You should go with her to an open meeting sometime, at the very least you'll be entertained or horrified.  Hope she hears her story in the rooms.

I intend to. The problem with that is her living 350 miles a away in San Angelo.  Her mother is going to see  her tomorrow though and hope that works out with her. 

[SHOOTER12 8,832]

1 hour ago, BurntEyes said:

Shooter my response is such.

First, know that it is a process. If you've been reading here as noted, you'll already know it is rarely, if ever, an easy process.

That said, in my experience both personal and otherwise, the person that comes out on the other side of the process is often, if not always, better than what went in prior to the drinking 

Feel free to pop in here anytime for questions, to vent or even send her here. For my end, you're free to PM with any questions, concerns or venting as well. Know I might send you back here though as there is a lot of knowledge to be shared.

Thanks BE.

This thread has been incredibly helpful.  The thing that keeps ringing out, is someone who is not an alcoholic has no clue what it's like. The more I've read, the truer that becomes.  I think I've only known one serious, obvious alcoholic and that was years ago. I'm sure I have known many since then but was not aware of it. This one fellow however looking back blows my mind. He was the only one I knew to have withdrawal symptoms so bad that it literally made him sick. I worked with him for about a year on a job up near Dallas and of course I knew he drank knew he led a hard and Wild.life but had no idea about the demons crawling around inside him. He got injured on the job and had to go to the hospital and within a matter of about 8 hours I was about ready to scream due to detoxing. He was begging threatening and screaming trying to get me to sneak a bottle of whiskey into him.  that's sweet friendly little old man turned into a complete demon over it. Of course being a youngster I did not know what to do, so I told his offending attending physician about what had occurred and never went back. It stuck with me for many months thinking about what I had witnessed and how a person can change at the drop of a hat when they are desperate to obtain booze.

Edited March 12, 2019 by SHOOTER12

[TexArcher 38,075]

On 3/8/2019 at 5:48 PM, tucker said:

I had a lot of negative perceptions of AA until I went to meetings. I’d highly suggest anyone even considering it just go and listen a few times  

 

Agreed.  I still have mixed feelings on AA, being agnostic myself.  But I've seen kindness among strangers in those rooms that I didn't know existed.  It's a very powerful and inspiring thing.

[pch 1,261]

Thanks for your courage to share about your daughter Shooter.  There is an answer for family members as well in the Al-Anon family groups that you might find helpful. My wife and I were able to stay together as a result of that program when I wasn't through drinking (had another 5 years to go) but she was. My ex has gone to these meetings and found some relief as our son is now taking his first steps in sobriety.  You and your family are on my list-the good one.

[Sparky 149]

Thanks for sharing Shooter and I hope your daughter is able to get the help in AA she needs.  I was just about to suggest Al-Anon for you and or your wife.  Odds are there is someone in the group that has dealt with it from a distance like you are with your daughter and could offer their experience with it.  Just like I tell people about AA, it's just an hour and you just have to sit here and listen.

Edited March 13, 2019 by Sparky

[BearSchlong 8,114]

[mention=1190]texarcher[/mention] i hear you.

 

Hell, the only reason I go to lots of AA meetings is because they are so entertaining. It's way better than staying home. Especially the nights the treatment center girls get dropped off. Something about desperation, gray sweatpants, muffintops, and greasy hair gets my blood pumping. Bonus points if they've been locked up.

 

Well that and the fact that it saved my fucking life.

 

8 years sober I've got some character defects that just aren't going away, still creating unmanageability and so I've got a guy taking me through the steps again. I know it's working because I've been a huge prick lately and have been fighting the surrender.

 

Alcoholics are like onions.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[SwanderedTalent 5,761]

6 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

Alcoholics are like onions.

true that, cut me with a paring knife and I'll make you cry

[pch 1,261]

Just returned from the memorial service for my sister in law and reception at the country club.  It was a wonderful celebration of the life lived by her and the friends who gathered afterward were all sharing stories of times shared with her which warmed our hearts.  Grateful that I woke up with the same sobriety date I went to bed with and was present to embrace, support, and be a part of this wonderful day.  Heaven is a little brighter this day with her addition and we draw the family circle a little tighter in her absence. Going to a meeting later this evening to meet my newest sponsee.  God is good.

[BearSchlong 8,114]

PCH, I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the delay in replying to your post.  It's so awesome to be sober and in the moment and the work with a sponsee is just a huge bonus.

[pch 1,261]

Said goodbye to my nephew today who flew back home to DC.  Gave him a copy of Living Sober along with a few encouraging words and my number.  The program of Alcoholics Anonymous has continued to sustain and comfort both my wife and I (she is sober since 93).  Always thankful for those of you here who are trudging the road to happy destiny with me.  Rest assured I will be here for you as you have for me and available when needed.

[Celery Man 21,001]

Welp, yesterday was 1,250 days sober for me.  Today is 1,251.  I don't talk about it much because it's a bit of a cliche and generally frowned upon (relationships in early sobriety), but I fell in love with a girl in rehab, gave her a ride back to Austin, started dating her pretty soon afterwards.  She moved in after I bought a house at the end of 2016, and this was last night

my faithful companion who has never given me grief about how bad I used to be, or how I still sometimes make him do shit like this.  didn't bark during the ceremony or anything 😂

my sister's husband pulled me aside after the ceremony.  I stayed with them for awhile when I was fresh out and in early recovery.  He pulled up the notes he took when he sat me down three and a half years ago to ask me what my goals were - where I wanted to be in a few years.  A place of my own, promotion at work, in a solid relationship, having purpose in life.

Today's reading comes from page 83-84 of the book - 

Quote

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

 

[Reagan1k 3,024]

It never gets old seeing someone who grabbed Grace with both hands, took the actions and is now living life in freedom and peace.

That's freakin' awesome!!

[ernest_t_bass 1,196]

Awesome

[TwiceHorn 31,539]

Fantastic, CeleryMan. Congratulations!

[BearSchlong 8,114]

Nice! Did you register for a set of matching Al Anon sponsors?

Just kidding. Maybe.

Seriously, congratulations. That is very inspiring.

[SwanderedTalent 5,761]

12 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

Nice! Did you register for a set of matching Al Anon sponsors?

matching wall art

WE'RE ALL HERE BECAUSE WE WEREN'T ALL THERE macrame in the entry way

[El Diablo 4,232]

Sigh. Some things change more slowly than others I guess. I've been a victim of what is called seasonal affective disorder at times in the past. Really the only bout of depression that I've ever had started as winter crept in one year. It was the first time i'd ever experienced it, the seasonal thing, and it drug on for the better part of a year and a half but devolved along the way. I was drinking at the time too which probably didn't help. Even after the serious symptoms of depression cleared up I would notice yearly that the wintertime caused me some problems. 

And springtime seems to kind of bring on the opposite sort of state of mind. More energy, feel better, maybe even a bit antsy/easily excitable etc...  Generally speaking. But this year it's been a weird mix because I've been under a lot of pressure at work for the last 6 months. So first it was winter and the associated state of mind, however mild, and then comes spring but this year it seemed that I've been more mentally hyperactive in a negative way. Short tempered, bitchy, a grouch. And of course I've worked my program daily thru all of this in trying to maintain a good place, the place I want to be so that I'm not just a victim of my emotions and things going on around me that I have no control over. 

Anyway there's a point to all of this as it relates to alcoholism and it's romancing the drink.  I'm not sure if it's because of the wintertime blues, the pressure at work or the newfound energy that spring brings but I've found myself at various times in the last few months doing that - romancing the drink. Weird thing, and dangerous, is that I've played that tape to the end and depending on when and how the thoughts came about it didn't sound so bad. A case of the "fuck it"s. 

So today my Director called me into his office and told me I was getting a raise. Boom. Cloud lifted. In the past and without some way to manage the stress from work and the weird ups and downs that I get from the changes in seasons I'd have fucking lost my shit long before I got to the reward. 

It really is one day at a time, one foot in front of the other, trudging the happy road of destiny and just trying to stay in the moment.

Thanks assholes, and especially you @BearSchlong

[Celery Man 21,001]

Yeah, I’m not really one for “God has a plan!” or whatever version of the idea that there is a higher power keeping tabs on you and actively intervening in your life, but I am a big believer in the... larger cosmic balance of things, and if you keep trying your best to make the next right choice things either work out well or you at least have peace about it.  And I have often found the good thing that comes around when you’re starting to have doubts, if you keep on keeping on.

[SwanderedTalent 5,761]

life never stops giving you excuses to drink, but hopefully we grow to see that if you drink over them, you'll never get the chance to realize how quickly they'll pass, how trivial they'll seem in hindsight

[Caddox 952]

Would people in here mind me kind of using the thread as a resource or is it not that type of deal?

[TwiceHorn 31,539]

9 minutes ago, Caddox said:

Would people in here mind me kind of using the thread as a resource or is it not that type of deal?

It's why we're here.  Take what you can, leave the rest.

[Caddox 952]

3 minutes ago, TwiceHorn said:

It's why we're here.  Take what you can, leave the rest.

Good deal. 

Feels like I see alcoholics everywhere, and they just vary by degrees and functionality. Is it considered a "thing" to be somewhat of an alcoholic but rein it in enough to where it doesn't get totally out of control? There's no doubt I abuse alcohol, but I'm able to dial it back and sort of recognize if I'm not staying between the lines so to speak. 

Ive talked to several alcoholics in my office and they all got to a point to where it was quit or everything falls apart. I have some health issues that I just don't think will allow me to get to that point, but again I guess I'm asking if its kind of an accepted idea that alcoholism is a spectrum and that its possible I'm sitting on kind of the lighter end?

[JohnnyRage 1,617]

By lighter end, do you mean the wick?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I kid, I kid

[Dewey 3,294]

Switched to light beer

[BearSchlong 8,114]

Caddox, functional alcoholics are the worst because they never get honest, they can stay in denial forever. Like being in no man's land, a stalemate.

 

The big book of AA has a good description of the progression from average normal temperate drinker, to the hard drinker, to the alcoholic. Might be worth a read.

 

Based on what you posted, I'm thinking heavy drinker.

 

Get some consequences though (health, relationships, legal, financial, or just feeling like you've got a hole in your soul) and that might change.

 

I'm a believer that alcoholism is defined by consequences. I shared in an AA meeting tonight that I did not want to stop drinking, nor did I actually try to stop drinking. I just became convinced, because of the consequences that were piling up, that I would soon lose my life if I didn't do something about my drinking. Woke up in the hospital and just knew the jig was up. Very grateful I identified with the similarities of most everyone I met in AA.

 

Diablo, you ever become unable to recall what it was like just call me and I'll recount some of the conversations we had when you couldn't stop drinking. You're a miracle, buddy. So proud of you. You getting sober was such a joyous occasion.

 

 

[Reagan1k 3,024]

^^^^all of this..... I will add some things about being a “functional alcoholic” because that’s what I considered myself and thought I could live out my life like that.  

I was “functional” but that was all I was doing-  functioning yet not really living life.  I was miserable and didn’t know it or wouldn’t admit it. 

Also,  we typically think of ourselves as functioning at a much higher level than we really are.  Those that interact with us regularly probably wouldn’t agree that we were doing as well as we thought. 

Finally, alcoholism is a progressive disease and it gets worse, never better if not treated- whether you are drinking or dry. 

I constantly rewrote my own rules of - “I’ll never” .... as it got worse.  All my lines in the sand regarding how I was “managing” my drinking were erased and redrawn over and over taking me to lower lows over time.  I could not and cannot freeze the disease and maintain a status quo for any length of time.  I always get worse and compromise more and more on what I’m willing to put up with or accept as a condition of continuing to drink. 

If you’re a hard drinker who can put it down and live happily sober then good on you..... go for it when you life dictates that.  

If not and you can’t be happy dry or drinking, there is a solution.  

[Dewey 3,294]

There is a solution, it's just not instant like like taking a magic pill or slamming some fire water. Beauty of AAs Solution is that a person grows out of their fears and insecurities, lives a life more fulfilling. Just have to work for it.

[TwiceHorn 31,539]

1 hour ago, Reagan1k said:

^^^^all of this..... I will add some things about being a “functional alcoholic” because that’s what I considered myself and thought I could live out my life like that.  

I was “functional” but that was all I was doing-  functioning yet not really living life.  I was miserable and didn’t know it or wouldn’t admit it. 

Also,  we typically think of ourselves as functioning at a much higher level than we really are.  Those that interact with us regularly probably wouldn’t agree that we were doing as well as we thought. 

Finally, alcoholism is a progressive disease and it gets worse, never better if not treated- whether you are drinking or dry. 

I constantly rewrote my own rules of - “I’ll never” .... as it got worse.  All my lines in the sand regarding how I was “managing” my drinking were erased and redrawn over and over taking me to lower lows over time.  I could not and cannot freeze the disease and maintain a status quo for any length of time.  I always get worse and compromise more and more on what I’m willing to put up with or accept as a condition of continuing to drink. 

If you’re a hard drinker who can put it down and live happily sober then good on you..... go for it when you life dictates that.  

If not and you can’t be happy dry or drinking, there is a solution.  

I really like that last.  We talk about insanity in sobriety and that makes perfect sense to us because we have experienced it:  you do a lot of the insane stuff you did when you were in the bag, except you don't have any excuse.  But I think it sounds extreme or weird to those who haven't experienced sobriety or recovery in the program.

That statement is simpler and more accessible.  To complicate it, the happiness you find in real recovery far exceeds most folks' notion of happiness without it.  See Dewey above.

Edited March 31, 2019 by TwiceHorn

[Reagan1k 3,024]

Another sober trip around the sun for this drunk.

So grateful for the steps, sponsorship, and the fellowship.

I'm a grateful alcoholic and have come to be grateful FOR my alcoholism....were it not for that, I would never have found this way of life. 

I desperately needed this design for my life even if man had never crushed the first grape.

[Sparky 149]

Good job, Reagan!

[SwanderedTalent 5,761]

congrats reag

[tucker 238]

On 3/31/2019 at 9:50 AM, Reagan1k said:

^^^^all of this..... I will add some things about being a “functional alcoholic” because that’s what I considered myself and thought I could live out my life like that.  

I was “functional” but that was all I was doing-  functioning yet not really living life.  I was miserable and didn’t know it or wouldn’t admit it. 

Also,  we typically think of ourselves as functioning at a much higher level than we really are.  Those that interact with us regularly probably wouldn’t agree that we were doing as well as we thought. 

Finally, alcoholism is a progressive disease and it gets worse, never better if not treated- whether you are drinking or dry. 

I constantly rewrote my own rules of - “I’ll never” .... as it got worse.  All my lines in the sand regarding how I was “managing” my drinking were erased and redrawn over and over taking me to lower lows over time.  I could not and cannot freeze the disease and maintain a status quo for any length of time.  I always get worse and compromise more and more on what I’m willing to put up with or accept as a condition of continuing to drink. 

If you’re a hard drinker who can put it down and live happily sober then good on you..... go for it when you life dictates that.  

If not and you can’t be happy dry or drinking, there is a solution.  

1234

I never hit a wall or thought myself an alcoholic until I went to meetings and realized that there are degrees. You don't have to be homeless and unemployed. I had to realize that I was unable to stop drinking once I start. Just shy of 60 days and while I there are times that I miss drinking, I don't regret going completely sober. 

@Caddox Happy to exchange PMs as I think people who are high functioning only see/hear the alcoholics whose lives were completely destroyed. The better case which I believe I am and have seen at AA meetings are people who stopped before their situation got there.

[Al_4_ISU 12,491]

On 3/30/2019 at 3:10 PM, Caddox said:

Good deal. 

Feels like I see alcoholics everywhere, and they just vary by degrees and functionality. Is it considered a "thing" to be somewhat of an alcoholic but rein it in enough to where it doesn't get totally out of control? There's no doubt I abuse alcohol, but I'm able to dial it back and sort of recognize if I'm not staying between the lines so to speak. 

Ive talked to several alcoholics in my office and they all got to a point to where it was quit or everything falls apart. I have some health issues that I just don't think will allow me to get to that point, but again I guess I'm asking if its kind of an accepted idea that alcoholism is a spectrum and that its possible I'm sitting on kind of the lighter end?

You sound a little like me.  I've never had much trouble stopping at one or two, but sometimes I enjoy getting lit up.  My wife and I were going through a rough patch a few years back about starting a family, and my general coping mechanism when frustrated was to bottle up my feelings, and go wild when I could.  That summer I was drinking hard every weekend, using drugs more than normal, and drinking lightly on any given week day.  There were never any real consequences.  I wasn't hiding my drinking, either.  I did some stupid shit like pass out on the toilet, or fall asleep on a dock - the kind of shit you laugh at when you're 21 but gets sad when you're 30, basically.  My wife finally said she was worried I was taking it too far, and if something didn't change, our relationship would.  I knew right away she was right.  I think part of me was trying to figure out what the "too far" line looked like.  I touched a lot of hot stove tops as a kid.

So I took some time off of booze, went to therapy, and the conclusion my therapist and I came to was that I wasn't an alcoholic, but had developed a habit of relying on booze as mental medication.  Instead of working out my struggles, I was just acting out to try and distract my brain from dealing with reality.  I follow this thread because of this experience, but truthfully, I relate to very little of what I read here.  I've never craved, I've never had significant consequences (a couple possession tickets and a public intox in college), and when I want to stop at 1 or 2, it's quite easy.

I started drinking again, but much more moderately.  Since that incident (about 3 years ago), there's only been one time that I really over consumed (and it was in the wake of a personal tragedy - a time when I really shouldn't have been drinking).  I quit the daily drinking at home, and just save it for social settings.  I used to stop at the gas station every night on my way home and grab a tall boy for the road.  I can't remember the last time I did it.

I'm lucky, too.  I think alcoholism is something that you either have or don't, to an extent.  Just the realization that continuing my behavior might lead to consequences was enough for me to curb it.  I know many others like me, but there are many who are simply wired differently.  You can't choose which way you're wired, you just need to figure it out.  My advice would be to take some time off, talk to a therapist, figure out your bearings.  If you crave it, if you start back up and can't stop at 1 or 2, you should probably listen to what the guys in this thread have to say.  Re-evaluating my relationship with alcohol has improved my life.  I didn't have to give it up, but I had to readjust the way I view it, and use it.  Good luck.

Edited April 5, 2019 by Al_4_ISU

[Reagan1k 3,024]

Tucker - 60 days or there about is awesome! 

That's about the time the fog really cleared for me and I could start to see reality vs. my warped perception.

I was told to look for the similarities and not the differences and it seems that you are doing exactly that in the rooms....looking for ways to identify.

Seconds and inches.....that's all that separated me from the guy sitting next to me who's living in a half-way house after doing time for vehicular homicide or whatever else.

Seconds and inches... that's all the separates me from the guy who lost everything either slowly by letting his job die or quickly in a civil suit over a wreck that bankrupted him.

Bottom line is that I might not YET have experienced those consequences but they were coming.  We're all seconds and inches from trading chairs with anyone in that room.

And,  what makes me just like those guys is the twisting in my gut that tells me things aren't OK with me and that a couple of drinks will fix that.  

That's the common bond we share and why we have a common solution that works no matter where on the scale we fall.

 

 

[BearSchlong 8,114]

@Al_4_ISU denial ain't just. . . ok, I'm kidding.  Actually I really liked your post.  Especially this part - 

Quote

 I think alcoholism is something that you either have or don't, to an extent.  Just the realization that continuing my behavior might lead to consequences was enough for me to curb it.  I know many others like me, but there are many who are simply wired differently.  You can't choose which way you're wired, you just need to figure it out.

It's written in the 1st step of AA - "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol. . ."  doesn't say "we endlessly analyzed exactly where on the alcoholic scale we stood" which is wonderfully simple for someone like me.  I either identify or I don't.  For those that still HAVE POWER over alcohol, congratulations.  For those that are POWERLESS over alcohol, congratulations.  There are solutions for both scenarios.

@Reagan1k good reminder about the yets.

Grateful to be sober, safe, and reasonably sane today.  One of my HS friend's mom died and I just left her funeral.  I haven't seen him for 20 years and in HS we never had a really warm relationship - I've always wondered if I owed him amends.  Anyway, I went to the funeral mass and payed my respects and we chatted for a few minutes afterwards.  Just showing up was my way of letting him know that he was important to me.

[Al_4_ISU 12,491]

I think the most important takeaway I got from my experience is that I found if I ever became powerless  over alcohol (or had some health condition that forced me to stop), life without wasn't any lesser.

I definitely used to feel that events or places without alcohol were boring, etc.  While not drinking, I did everything I loved to do (hike, bike, go to concerts, etc) and enjoyed it just as much.

It's freeing to know damn well you don't need anything external to be happy.

Edited April 5, 2019 by Al_4_ISU

[SwanderedTalent 5,761]

2 hours ago, Al_4_ISU said:

I think the most important takeaway I got from my experience is that I found if I ever became powerless  over alcohol (or had some health condition that forced me to stop), life without wasn't any lesser.

I definitely had that belief at one time. It gradually changed from "it won't be fun unless I can drink" to "it won't be fun unless I bring my own booze so I can drink as much as I want" to "it won't be as much fun as just sitting here drinking" to "it is happening without me being invited and I don't even care, as long as I can drink". 

I think I was still in college when I started filtering things by "can I drink or not?" so I was predisposed in some way to that particular evolution. 

You are spot on w/the remark about freeing. In the program you will hear "I don't have to drink today" and in my experience that can make varying degrees of sense. It makes vivid sense to me today. It is nice to not have to drink to have a good time doing whatfuckingever.

[El Diablo 4,232]

22 minutes ago, SwanderedTalent said:

I definitely had that belief at one time. It gradually changed from "it won't be fun unless I can drink" to "it won't be fun unless I bring my own booze so I can drink as much as I want" to "it won't be as much fun as just sitting here drinking" to "it is happening without me being invited and I don't even care, as long as I can drink". 

I think I was still in college when I started filtering things by "can I drink or not?" so I was predisposed in some way to that particular evolution. 

You are spot on w/the remark about freeing. In the program you will hear "I don't have to drink today" and in my experience that can make varying degrees of sense. It makes vivid sense to me today. It is nice to not have to drink to have a good time doing whatfuckingever.

It's also not so bad to have a bad time without booze. Shit happens and I don't have to drink at it.

[DallasHorn26 586]

On 3/31/2019 at 9:50 AM, Reagan1k said:

^^^^all of this..... I will add some things about being a “functional alcoholic” because that’s what I considered myself and thought I could live out my life like that.  

I was “functional” but that was all I was doing-  functioning yet not really living life.  I was miserable and didn’t know it or wouldn’t admit it. 

Also,  we typically think of ourselves as functioning at a much higher level than we really are.  Those that interact with us regularly probably wouldn’t agree that we were doing as well as we thought. 

Finally, alcoholism is a progressive disease and it gets worse, never better if not treated- whether you are drinking or dry. 

I constantly rewrote my own rules of - “I’ll never” .... as it got worse.  All my lines in the sand regarding how I was “managing” my drinking were erased and redrawn over and over taking me to lower lows over time.  I could not and cannot freeze the disease and maintain a status quo for any length of time.  I always get worse and compromise more and more on what I’m willing to put up with or accept as a condition of continuing to drink. 

If you’re a hard drinker who can put it down and live happily sober then good on you..... go for it when you life dictates that.  

If not and you can’t be happy dry or drinking, there is a solution.  

I'm finally ready to join the club.   I'm currently on day 11.  I've reset the clock several times over the past year and have definitely reset that line in the sand several times.  I've seemed to have no problem stopping, but when I do take that first drink, it's "balls to the wall" until I pass out or someone forces me to stop.  My friends have told me once I cross that line into blackout territory, that I show multiple personalities and become delusional.  Over the past 3 years, I've drained myself financially to chase the drink (and women), came close to losing my kids, broken several personal relationships, and had my first arrest about 3 weeks ago (PI).  I've finally hit my breaking point and ready to make myself whole again.   I'm very grateful for where I am at now and am the most clear headed that I have been in at least 3 years. 

[Reagan1k 3,024]

7 minutes ago, DallasHorn26 said:

I'm finally ready to join the club.   I'm currently on day 11.  I've reset the clock several times over the past year and have definitely reset that line in the sand several times.  I've seemed to have no problem stopping, but when I do take that first drink, it's "balls to the wall" until I pass out or someone forces me to stop.  My friends have told me once I cross that line into blackout territory, that I show multiple personalities and become delusional.  Over the past 3 years, I've drained myself financially to chase the drink (and women), came close to losing my kids, broken several personal relationships, and had my first arrest about 3 weeks ago (PI).  I've finally hit my breaking point and ready to make myself whole again.   I'm very grateful for where I am at now and am the most clear headed that I have been in at least 3 years. 

That's wonderful.  Good for you.  Get in the rooms, look for ways you identify with others; ignore the differences.

Grab a Big Book and start reading......Get a sponsor ASAP...don't over think it....That one person doesn't have to be your sponsor for life....

Grab someone you hear talking about the steps and a solution from the book/steps.   They'll be excited when you approach them.  You are their key to maintaining their sobriety.  Ask them to start you on the steps and dive in.

Work the steps, go to meetings, and start helping others as soon as you can.