I'm An Alcoholic

[BearSchlong 8098]

Come all the way in, sit all the way down, and stay for a while.

Good news is you never have to drink again. Bad news is we're your new friends.

[ernest_t_bass 1196]

Spent last evening at a reverse raffle with a bunch of drunk assholes.  Serenity now... so glad I'm not still one of them.

[Dewey 3286]

A clear head after 11 days? If you hit a year, be sure to look back and see all the changes, it's miraculous. And then keep going.

All the best to all of you out there working to make your lifes a better life. Keep on fighting the good fight. When you get down, find the faith that you can get back up, it's always there.

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

1 hour ago, Dewey said:

A clear head after 11 days? If you hit a year, be sure to look back and see all the changes, it's miraculous. And then keep going.

Right. Never, ever, ever listen to your disease when it tries to tell you "this is as good as it will get" or any variation on this, e.g., "this is as good as it will get and it will probably only get worse from here" or "it was better when we were drinking". 

I have felt great at 11 days, or 63 days, or 172 days, and then appreciably worse a week later. When you don't use that period of "appreciably worse" as a reason to say "ah, fuck it" and drink, you find it's a temporary dip and things not only get as good as they were in the period immediately before, they'll eventually get even better. 

It's like a stock on the dip. It's probably not Enron or WorldCom. Not only will it recover the price it was at before the dip, it'll probably leave that price in the dust. You have to hang onto it to enjoy it, though; no one takes much comfort in sayin "look at it go up and up and up, glad I got out when I did". 

[TexArcher 37978]

Today makes 6 years for me.

A good start.

[DallasHorn26 586]

Thanks for the encouragement everyone.

[Celery Man 20967]

Yeah man, keep it up.

As is often the case, I feel like I can hear a lot of my own story in what you said, or at least some version of it.  I never had any sustained success at putting it down, but the part where (maybe) you drank fairly heavily before but then things have been spiraling or you've been falling off the ledge in slow motion for a few years, or whatever version of that.  The cool thing about being broken is that becoming fixed is a big change - it's a tough change, it requires a lot of emotional stamina and honest self reflection and some discomfort, etc - but if you've experienced a lot of negative outcomes over a long period of time, it is great to not just become functional again but at a different level than you previously ever were.

[DallasHorn26 586]

10 hours ago, Celery Man said:

Yeah man, keep it up.

As is often the case, I feel like I can hear a lot of my own story in what you said, or at least some version of it.  I never had any sustained success at putting it down, but the part where (maybe) you drank fairly heavily before but then things have been spiraling or you've been falling off the ledge in slow motion for a few years, or whatever version of that.  The cool thing about being broken is that becoming fixed is a big change - it's a tough change, it requires a lot of emotional stamina and honest self reflection and some discomfort, etc - but if you've experienced a lot of negative outcomes over a long period of time, it is great to not just become functional again but at a different level than you previously ever were.

I love this.  I can feel this change coming and am looking forward to that day.  

[Dewey 3286]

I like that, emotional stamina l, spot on. I can say without question, having that emotional stamina, not giving up on getting better, I climb one rung at a time and feel better each rung. There are times when I wonder if all this spirituality is worth it, running out of patience, pissed off at the world again, I'll sit in contemplation and a new realization hits me and I'm cautiously excited. It's like graduating to something bigger. I love it.

[Nicole44 22061]

🤘🏼This is all I feel like sharing.

Edited April 9, 2019 by Nicole44

[gasman 114]

2 hours ago, Nicole44 said:

🤘🏼This is all I feel like sharing.

Welcome. Glad you are here. 

[Charles DeMar 221]

Glad to hear from all the "new" guys.  I'm 8 months in, and the truth in this forum, and the rooms of AA, sometimes is hard to swallow, but so amazingly freeing.  Thanks to everyone for their contributions.  Love the honesty and "open kimonos."  

 

Thanks,

CDeM

[Nicole44 22061]

MY dad was a functioning alcoholic. I hated that he was a different person when he drank. Here is this brilliant pathologist who becomes a monster when he drank. I avoided alcohol for that reason. I was in a sorority at UT but I didn’t do anything different than anyone else. I was sober sister mostly at my sorority, same with law school. Then something changed after law school I started hanging out with people who drank a lot. I couldn’t handle it. when I drink I become that monster that I hated my dad for. One drink. Then two then three and your left by yourself still drinking bc it’s not enough. I  ramble too much. Sorry. 

[TwiceHorn 31495]

10 minutes ago, Nicole44 said:

MY dad was a functioning alcoholic. I hated that he was a different person when he drank. Here is this brilliant pathologist who becomes a monster when he drank. I avoided alcohol for that reason. I was in a sorority at UT but I didn’t do anything different than anyone else. I was sober sister mostly at my sorority, same with law school. Then something changed after law school I started hanging out with people who drank a lot. I couldn’t handle it. when I drink I become that monster that I hated my dad for. One drink. Then two then three and your left by yourself still drinking bc it’s not enough. I  ramble too much. Sorry. 

Pretty much all our stories, at least there at the end.

There's a good deal more newb-oriented at TOS. http://www.shaggytexas.com/board/showthread.php/53653-I-m-an-alcoholic

Scat-free I believe.

Edited April 10, 2019 by TwiceHorn

[Nicole44 22061]

2 minutes ago, TwiceHorn said:

Pretty much all our stories, at least there at the end.

There's a good deal more newb-oriented at TOS. http://www.shaggytexas.com/board/showthread.php/53653-I-m-an-alcoholic

Scat-free I believe.

Why is there still anything functioning on Shaggy? 

[gasman 114]

1 hour ago, Nicole44 said:

Why is there still anything functioning on Shaggy? 

I think Shaggy still "functions" like I was "drinking and functioning". There were some really good parts of me (like the thread listed above), but it was hard to see because of all of the layers of shit covering it up.  

That Shaggy thread was my gateway to freedom. I will be forever grateful to Lake Worth Monster for starting it. 

Edited April 10, 2019 by gasman
.

[Nicole44 22061]

 I went to rehab almost ten years ago. Apart from me and one other person that was in our house. Austin Recovery. I got a notification from my sponsor that someone else died. They are all dead. Which is why I’m posting. Rehab with them was weird bc I didn’t use drugs just drank wine. My miscarriage triggered something. 

[BearSchlong 8098]

MY dad was a functioning alcoholic. I hated that he was a different person when he drank. Here is this brilliant pathologist who becomes a monster when he drank. I avoided alcohol for that reason. I was in a sorority at UT but I didn’t do anything different than anyone else. I was sober sister mostly at my sorority, same with law school. Then something changed after law school I started hanging out with people who drank a lot. I couldn’t handle it. when I drink I become that monster that I hated my dad for. One drink. Then two then three and your left by yourself still drinking bc it’s not enough. I  ramble too much. Sorry. 

Coincidentally,

[JohnnyRage 1617]

Man I wish there was some way to archive the original thread. Anyone here from the OG OP? ...something about an East Texas emergency about a year ago.

[Devil Horn 17]

I'm on a bender, I need some encouragement. I've checked out a bit, hate the way I  am. Last night was pitch black and devastating. I don't want to hurt anymore.

[Wyatt Mann 17]

I no longer live in Austin, I hope to see some of the people I used to meet. I used to go to the Suburban Group on North Loop all the time around 2012 or 2013.

[Wyatt Mann 17]

4 minutes ago, Devil Horn said:

I'm on a bender, I need some encouragement. I've checked out a bit, hate the way I  am. Last night was pitch black and devastating. I don't want to hurt anymore.

Done that many times! When I lived in Texas, I wished I had moved to a dry county. Ill tell you what worked for me, maybe it will help you.

The obvious advice is to take one day at a time, read the AA books continuously and do 90 meetings in 90 days.

Get an interlock put on your car. Its a lot cheaper if its voluntary.

Take antabuse(I take 250 mg pills and cut them in half) I used to take naltrexone in an effort to make myself a social drinker, that didnt last long though.

Get into hobbies that dont involve alcohol. I have a list of stuff to do in case I have a strong craving. Ive since started exercising again and began playing music again.

what are your triggers that cause you to drink?

 

[Devil Horn 17]

I lost my absolutley darling wife to cancer within one year of diagnosis. She was only 38 yrs old. I had known her since she was 14 yrs old.

She gave me the precious gift of three children, including a Longhorn son on the 40 acres right now. 

I was her protector and couldn't save her. I blazed through the past years forging forward and concentrating on raising my children.

I have always had a propensity for being a hard drinking and hard living person. 

In the past couple of years I  feel like the bottom has dropped out. I miss my wife dearly.

Edited April 11, 2019 by Devil Horn

[JohnnyRage 1617]

1 hour ago, Devil Horn said:

I lost my absolutley darling wife to cancer within one year of diagnosis. She was only 38 yrs old. I had known her since she was 14 yrs old.

She gave me the precious gift of three children, including a Longhorn son on the 40 acres right now. 

I was her protector and couldn't save her. I blazed through the past years forging forward and concentrating on raising my children.

I have always had a propensity for being a hard drinking and hard living person. 

In the past couple of years I  feel like the bottom has dropped out. I miss my wife dearly.

Words, words, words...we’ll have time for the reasons why later. First, if you’re like me, we’ve desperately got to get you to stop drinking safely and end this bender.

I very easily could have hurt somebody my last time. It was terrifying. The physical detox can be brutal with my worst symptoms being insomnia and hallucinations (delirium tremons). Sleep and time  is the number one savior.

If your symptoms may be worse than this, consult your physician, check into a hospital, or go to rehab. 

The best time to quit drinking was 10years ago, the second best time is now. It only gets worse.

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

1 hour ago, JohnnyRage said:

Words, words, words...we’ll have time for the reasons why later. First, if you’re like me, we’ve desperately got to get you to stop drinking safely and end this bender.

Yeah, Devil Horn, this isn't meant to sound glib but you will hear people say "if your pants are on fire, jump in the water, worry about how they caught fire later"-- this is in no way meant to minimize your pain but to draw your focus towards getting into the program and letting people help you. 

[Reagan1k 3024]

As J-R said, physical detox can be a mixed bag.  Medical detox may or may not be required.....but the physical withdrawal is not something to fuck around with.  

If you attempt to dry out on your own, don't go it alone.  Make sure someone is with you and available in the event medical intervention is necessary.

Get to an AA meeting now - There is a solution if you are sick and tired of being sick and tired............Just walk in and tell someone there that you are hurting and need help.

They'll know what to do and will be grateful for the opportunity to give you what was freely give to them.   

[Devil Horn 17]

I've been through detox several times in hospitals. I went to through rehab about five months ago. 

I am responsible for my own self.

I own the fact that I  have a problem. It has been two steps forward and a big step back. I take responsibility. I am in a big fight for my life.

I have a lot to live for. This demon will not take me. I'm very tired but I  have tons of fight.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your responses. HOOK'EM!

 

 

 

 

[JohnnyRage 1617]

Glad you're here.

[BearSchlong 8098]

33 minutes ago, Devil Horn said:

I've been through detox several times in hospitals. I went to through rehab about five months ago. 

I am responsible for my own self.

I own the fact that I  have a problem. It has been two steps forward and a big step back. I take responsibility. I am in a big fight for my life.

I have a lot to live for. This demon will not take me. I'm very tired but I  have tons of fight.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your responses. HOOK'EM!

 

 

 

 

Buddy, where do you live?

You gotta surrender to win. . .just find the closest AA meeting - use google - and let the love fest begin. They will save your life if you just let them.

You mentioned responsibility - now that I unequivocally admit my alcoholism, then I have a responsibility to myself and society to pursue my own recovery like a drowning man seeks a breath of fresh air - that is what we call the gift of desperation.

Everyone on this thread wants nothing more than you for you to live a long, sober, and fulfilling life.  I'm pretty sure that is what your wife would want as well.

[Kennythetiger 9390]

Devil, how you doin' today??

[pch 1259]

Met down on the Trinity this morning with 16 other alcoholics to support a new sponsee in taking his third step.  It has become a tradition in our group when someone is about to pray the third step prayer for the first time, we all go down on the river, walk out on the rocks to the middle, and one at a time, kneel and say the prayer.  The newbie goes last as all of us gather around him and place a hand on his shoulder as a sign of support.  We then close with the Lord's prayer and go to a 7am meeting. Still one of the most spiritual experiences in my life everytime we do this for a newcomer.  Never gets old.

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

11 hours ago, pch said:

It has become a tradition in our group when someone is about to pray the third step prayer for the first time, we all go down on the river, walk out on the rocks to the middle, and one at a time, kneel and say the prayer.  The newbie goes last as all of us gather around him and place a hand on his shoulder as a sign of support. 

I half expected this end with "and then we shove him in the water as a bit of hazing". Very cool way of doing things. Your way, I mean, not my joke.

[Augustus 3061]

On 4/11/2019 at 9:42 AM, Wyatt Mann said:

Done that many times! When I lived in Texas, I wished I had moved to a dry county. Ill tell you what worked for me, maybe it will help you.

The obvious advice is to take one day at a time, read the AA books continuously and do 90 meetings in 90 days.

Get an interlock put on your car. Its a lot cheaper if its voluntary.

Take antabuse(I take 250 mg pills and cut them in half) I used to take naltrexone in an effort to make myself a social drinker, that didnt last long though.

Get into hobbies that dont involve alcohol. I have a list of stuff to do in case I have a strong craving. Ive since started exercising again and began playing music again.

what are your triggers that cause you to drink?

 

My experience/opinion only here, not speaking for anyone else.

It's important for me to remember that I have only one real trigger, and it resides within me and nowhere else.

It has absolutely nothing to do with anything in this world happening externally to me.  I drank when everything was shitty.  I drank just as much when everything was going wonderfully.  Drank when I was sad/depressed/frustrated/anxious and drank when I was happy/excited/pleased/mellow.

My only trigger is an unfit spiritual condition.  When I'm unfit, and persist in that state for long enough, nothing on earth can stop me from picking up a drink.  When I'm in good shape spiritually, it's impossible for me to take a drink.  I could no more do it than I could throw myself in front of an oncoming truck.

Hope you're all having a beautiful weekend.

 

[JohnnyRage 1617]

Came across this morning...

 

 

 

[Devil Horn 17]

Going through some painful withdrawals, this is really bad. The nausea and dry heaving is horrific. I haven't had a drink since 9 am this morning. How in the hell am I going to get through the afternoon. I feel like I'm going to die.

 

 

 

 

[Not a cat 5660]

Yeah, you need to listen to the experts on here and get your ass to some medically supervised detox now.  Mention where you are and the magic of the surly AA I'm sure will tell you a few options within the hour.

Edited April 13, 2019 by Not a cat

[JohnnyRage 1617]

@Devil Horn

It's the weekend. That is a good thing if you are holding down a 9-5 job. Ideally you would not have drank this morning, that way you would have about 16 hours under your belt and not quite as crawling out of your own skin in this moment.

But seriously one hour at a time. An AA meeting will take up one hour of your time, but if getting out of the house will trigger you to pull into a store then maybe call over a friend or a family member. You can watch sobriety or general life success stories on youtube. If you are into documentaries I enjoyed 'Free Solo'. It is on the streaming apps.

Probably lots of sugary or satiating food if you are able to keep it down. If you can't keep food down right now try gatorade, naked juice smoothies, or milk shakes.

Towards the end I had to start taking magnesium droplets and potassium from fake salts (the supplements are too weak) because dehydration cramps became one of my worst symptoms.

For sleep chamomile tea works,  trazodone works (prescription), melatonin, Tylenol pm, Benedryl. If you want the easier softer way a doctor can prescribe a benzodiazepine. If another alcoholic literally can lock you in a closet they can feed you small doses of alcohol.

 

Tonight if you are Longhorn fan you can watch the Spring Game. If you are MMA fan I can help you  p i r a t e  the fights tonight. I believe the Masters is on TV right now.

PM anyone of us if you need somebody to talk with

Edited April 13, 2019 by JohnnyRage

[JohnnyRage 1617]

Oh yeah, missed the biggest one...

Pray, even if you don't know what you are praying to...pray for your higher power to show you the way.

Edited April 13, 2019 by JohnnyRage

[msucolt45 4063]

Great addition Augustus! I’ve monitored this page from its inception in March. Quite literally mentioned me in your post.

I’ve since gone to multiple AA meetings in my home town and have actually “enjoyed” the time spent there. Quite frankly, I don’t think I’ve actually become an “alcoholic “ , but the last year or so would’ve “qualified” me.

My recent problem is binge drinking, thankfully at home, but none the less is drinking until I fall asleep, or pass out, what ever comes first!

[pch 1259]

20 hours ago, SwanderedTalent said:

I half expected this end with "and then we shove him in the water as a bit of hazing". Very cool way of doing things. Your way, I mean, not my joke.

Well for the record, yours truly nearly did tumble into the river a couple of years ago when I lost my balance-but one again a couple of AA brothers literally saved my ass by grabbing the back of my jeans and pulling me back.  This story is mentioned every time we go to the river with a newcomer, never fails to get a laugh, and I get to practice rule 62 one more time.😁

[ocugolf 1214]

I don’t know if this is where I am supposed to post this, but here goes nothing.

As I shared in the Shaggy Dad thread, we lost our daughter to still birth at 8 months. I don’t drink at the house, i don’t drink at dinner or bars. The only time I drink is at the golf course. I’m really good at it.

I’m a notoriously bad sleeper. I’ve been prescribed Ambien and Tizanadine for years to help with my sleep. Normally, it’s fine. Taking that stuff while drunk is a good way to die. I was doing that on a consistent basis. Doubling up on ambien if didn’t sleep well. With the anxiety and stress of losing our daughter, I couldn’t keep going. Panic attacks and constant anxiety became the norm. Friends and wife became worried, so I made some lifestyle changes. Off Ambien. Off Zoloft. On a new non narcotic sleep prescription that has worked way better than Ambien ever did. On prozac. And I’m taking a break from the booze. 

I’ve been more social than I have been in years. No problems or urges to drink. I just feel like a new person. Thanks for having a place for me to vent. 

[BearSchlong 8098]

On 4/13/2019 at 2:45 PM, Devil Horn said:

Going through some painful withdrawals, this is really bad. The nausea and dry heaving is horrific. I haven't had a drink since 9 am this morning. How in the hell am I going to get through the afternoon. I feel like I'm going to die.

 

 

 

 

@Devil Horn apologies for missing your post this weekend, you still with us?

[Reagan1k 3024]

OCU - Thanks for bringing that to the table.

Your situation sounds like what those of us in AA would call a "Hard Drinker".  Given sufficient reason, the hard drinker can put down the bottle or moderate and live comfortably in their own skin.  You indicate you feel like a new person...... in a positive manner.

For an alcoholic like me, quitting drinking is where the problem begins.....You stopped drinking and feel like you have a new lease on life. 

When I tried to stop on simple will-power I felt like I was doing time on death row. 

I'm glad you found a solution that works and are at peace, and I'm more glad you shared that. 

Hearing things like that are a constant reminder that I am not like normal or even hard drinker.  I'd be coming apart at the seams.

 

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

On 4/13/2019 at 2:45 PM, Devil Horn said:

Going through some painful withdrawals, this is really bad. The nausea and dry heaving is horrific. I haven't had a drink since 9 am this morning. How in the hell am I going to get through the afternoon. I feel like I'm going to die.

 

 

 

 

Devil, I believe you said you had been through rehabilitation before, so surely you know that the medical perspective on this is that withdrawal isn't something you need to just bite the bullet/man up/tough your way through. That makes it harder than it already is, and it's medically dangerous. I hope you'll get help through the worst of it. We're all pulling for you.

[Dewey 3286]

Hope he found a safe landing spot in the hospital. I detoxed myself once and that's where I ended up, thank God. Praying for you delvilhorn.

[Dertyberd 394]

I want to bump this page and throw some gratitude out in the world.  Thank you ladies and gentlemen for being around and willing to share on this board.  It has given me great strength at times, much to meditate on when I've needed it, and an outlet to vent when I get sketchy.  The world is a crazy fuckin place, but the peace that comes from alcoholics sharing their stories and reaching out their hand to help those still suffering, is like nothing I knew in the throws of my disease.  I wish I never had to experience the hopelessness I endured to qualify for this conversation, but damn if I don't realize how lucky I am to be a part of it.  The noise, chaos, fear, anxiety, and depression of the world of which I inhabited for many years has been replaced by a soft and gentle existence, so long as I choose to enter it each morning.  Thank you for showing me how to get there and reminding me of where I once toiled.  Much love, I'm truly grateful today. 

If you are hurting, you never have to feel like that again.  There is hope.  

[Kennythetiger 9390]

Man I sure think about Devil Horn a lot.  Hope he's ok.

[Mach 1 1677]

You guys trying to help people with this disease deserve a standing ovation.

My 2 cents, for those considering quitting/rehab/entering the recovery phase there is Soberlink.  https://www.soberlink.com/

I have a relative in post rehab recovery mode and he says it's a welcome addition to the meetings and medications.  He has to blow into it 3 times a day and it's immediately emailed to his sponsor, doctor and close relatives, so the cavalry comes in asap should he regress.  No chance of going off on a bender and no one realizing it.  It's expensive, but having another tool in the box seems to be worth it.

[BearSchlong 8098]

I can totally see the value in one of those devices in some situations. . .but lol at the "Calvary"

Doctor - "I told him not to drink, I don't have time for this shit."

Sponsor - "I told him if he wasn't ready yet then he should go try some controlled drinking"

Close relatives - "sound the charge, we gotta save him!"

9th step promises coming true in big ways for me. My son's at A&M and my daughter is at Mizzou - due to scheduling they did not think they were going to see each other until the fall at the earliest.  Wife and I had plans to spend Easter in Columbia with daughter, so son met us at Hobby and flew up with us and surprised his sister.  Yesterday was the first Easter since 2009 that I spent with both kids.  Was sitting at brunch and looked at wife and mouthed promises. . .I'll cherish this weekend forever.  Both kids with 4.0s but more importantly they're well adjusted and don't seem to have any of my alcoholic insanity.

Borderline Personality Disorder Ex wife OTOH. . .she and her husband had one of those missed flight/lost luggage nightmares trying to get to Peru to go see Machu Picchu, but apparently not bad enough to prevent her from texting shit to my daughter like "have fun with your new family, looks like I'll have to disown you."

Glad I have alcoholism and not BPD.

Also I've been doing a deep dive on how the Oxford Group ended up spawning AA.  Fascinating stuff that happened from 1932-1939.

 

Edited April 22, 2019 by BearSchlong

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

this is going to be a fun next few weeks of reminiscing

one year ago today, I started my last "no, I got this" attempt at sobering up-- I'll go to your meetings, I'll talk about the steps with my sponsor, but I'm going to do it while remaining a resentful fearful basket case. My periods of sobriety were getting shorter and shorter, the relapses becoming more frequent, and they epitomized the "bellyful of whiskey and headful of AA" misery because there wasn't a single second of fun left in the drinking. 

And even worse, there was progressively less escape in it. I couldn't get drunk enough to not be aware of how bad off I was, how I was edging closer and closer to losing everything, how much pain I was causing. It wasn't for lack of trying though.

So a year ago today, I popped a couple of benzos and white-knuckled my way through my first day back from a 24x7, ten-day bender. I was sure I'd stay sober, this time. I was always sure "this time".