I'm An Alcoholic

[BearSchlong 8115]

Don't write off a specific mtg after just one time.  Go to as many different meetings as you can..the more the better, but give each mtg 2 or 3 times before you write it off.  

Good advice. Also if a place has multiple meeting times then attend at various times. Our noon meeting has a very different vibe than our 8pm.

[El Diablo 4232]

Keep your ears open for folks who sound like they know what they're all about and ask them about meetings too. Not uncommon for folks who have been around the block to have more than one group they attend on occasion just because they're usually good meetings. They'll have their home group but also maybe go to the Sunday morning meeting at X just because. You want a home group for accountability but nothing wrong with getting other perspectives to round out the experience.

[Augustus 3061]

On 7/14/2019 at 5:46 PM, hornbri said:

I went to a meeting today I did not love (not going to bother naming location). My plan is to go to the 7:30am one at Northland tomorrow, I am at 2222 and 360 so it is pretty close by. 

That's my favorite meeting of all I've attended.

I don't live in Austin anymore, but Northland Group was my home my first 6 years.  

And that particular meeting is the most joyful, imo.  Solid core group of folks, and joyful laughter throughout the meeting.

[SoCalHorn 40]

Sober a long while but to this day I still thank my higher power. Just tell yourself I won’t drink TODAY. 

[BearSchlong 8115]

On 7/13/2019 at 12:14 PM, hornbri said:

Joining this thread. 

I voluntarily took an Uber to a detox facility earlier this week, (Infinite Recovery in south Austin). My drinking pattern is not necessarily every day but I will binge for 3-4 days if allowed, last weekend with 4th of July was just that time. It did not end well. My wife has asked me to stop for my health as well as for our families and I agree I need to. 

I knew it was time to get help and I am determined to do so. Part of the reason I went to a facility is I wanted to also attend some group meetings. Before this never in my life had I attended a AA meeting mostly because I was scared of what they would be like. So starting on the day I checked in I went to as many meetings as possible and my eyes are open to how they can help. 

I left this morning and what I am trying to figure out what the best next step for me is, I have spent a couple hours reading online but figured you all would have good thoughts as well. I have ruled out residential treatment for now because 1) I don't believe it is the right 1st step 2) I have a 3 and 7 year old daughter and a wife who is sticking with me through this I cannot imagine not seeing for 30 days and 3) I need to get to work, it is what drives me and drinking and working have not mixed for me. 

Things I am considering 1) Starting AA meetings today, 30 in 30 days as they say (would love suggestions in NW Austin). 2) An IOP program that starts Monday (suggestions on a good one)? The main drawback here is work while I can likely get away with not traveling for 30 days, more than that is going to be quite a challenge. 3) Some form of personal counseling (most likely combined with AA meetings), as I am sure part of my drinking has to do with depression. 

@hornbri how goes it?  I know we're all interested to hear about it.

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

Newcomer at our 7 PM meeting last night, woman at her second ever AA meeting (her first was that morning). I've never really been in a position to see someone like that as more of a cautionary example than an immediate reminder before. Heart really went out to her.

[hornbri 1415]

1 hour ago, BearSchlong said:

@hornbri how goes it?  I know we're all interested to hear about it.

So far so good - today is day 14. No real cravings it has been pretty easy so far. Being going to the Northland morning group and I like the community. 

I am traveling for this week to the Bay Area so hoping I can find a meeting that works timing wise. 

[BearSchlong 8115]

2 hours ago, hornbri said:

So far so good - today is day 14. No real cravings it has been pretty easy so far. Being going to the Northland morning group and I like the community. 

I am traveling for this week to the Bay Area so hoping I can find a meeting that works timing wise. 

Glad to hear it.

I didn't have cravings either, not at all.  For the 1st 6 months I was just too terrified of what I knew would happen if I drank to even think about drinking.  I also had to find a core group of folks who had what I wanted.  I think finding heroes in AA is very important, not to put them on a pedestal but to draw strength from their experience in sobriety.

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

3 hours ago, hornbri said:

No real cravings it has been pretty easy so far.

If it stops being easy, if you do get cravings-- that all will pass. Don't listen to your disease. I mean you shouldn't ever listen to it, but especially not when things seem hardest. I know I had a harder time realizing that's the voice I was listening to, at those times life and sobriety weren't easy. A lot of time, and a lot of relapses, I was listening to the alcoholic brain telling me it's too hard, the fact that you're having to think about it just proves you can't beat it, God "could" but He's not going to, everyone around you deserves to see how much pain you're in so drink some poison to get back at them, it's inevitable so why bother delaying it? 

Right now, I can pick that motherfucker out of a lineup from across the Grand Canyon. I hope it stays that way; I firmly believe if I maintain my spiritual fitness by going to meetings and praying and meditating and talking with other alcoholics, it will. I definitely have been in places where it didn't. 

[JohnnyRage 1617]

I know what it feels like. You're brain has reached a point to where the wiring is all wrong. It is painful and it is desperate. What other people think or whatever excuses you might have...doesn't matter.

Fuck it. Reach out.

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

Got home about ten minutes ago out of breath and drenched in sweat. But enough about my visit to the truck stop bathroom. Even in 80 degrees and swamplike humidity, I love that I'm still alive and fit enough to run a few miles. 

Grateful that when I woke up this morning, I was sober and merely sleepy/tired because it was butt-ass early, as opposed to how waking up was when I was drinking-- namely, that horrible feeling of "oh no, another day, why am I not dead yet? What time is it? What day is it? Do I have to leave the house or do I have enough booze to stay in? How much longer can I just lay here with my eyes shut?"

As the saying goes, I drank all the fun out of my whiskey, so then I moved on to vodka. 

Edited August 3, 2019 by SwanderedTalent

[Dewey 3294]

"Drank all the fun out of it", that's exactly what I was explaining to my mother last night, but described my last months of drinking as empty, nothing was there, save for misery. 

Also, old people dont have shit for food in there house. Woke mom up last night as I was rummaging through her pantry, looking for food... like a desperate bear. My bad for not stopping on the way in and picking up a few things. Odd times, used to stop and load the cooler, get a couple bottles, one Jack and one tequila just to make sure my nights and mornings  were "smooth". Now I need fruit and nuts, enough to supply a small village. 

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

Podcast this morning (which ironically I listened to while slogging through a slow three-mile run and criticizing myself for being old and slow) was about the alcoholic and his inferiority complex. That's a good one for me, because I feel like I have learned enough from the program to recognize it when it takes center stage in my brain, but I'm still mostly helpless to stop it from doing so. In other words, I don't drink over it or start overtly thinking about relapse, but I do start feeling acutely uncomfortable with myself and my place in the universe and that has to be treated immediately with program/spiritual remedies or I could get to where I drink. 

If I go more than about three days without a meeting, that inferiority complex is at the root of all the discomfort and insecurity I start feeling. It's best friends with my disease, it feels like he was unfairly deposed as head coach of my life, and it wants to rally other influential boosters like anxiety and laziness and regret to band together and convince my brain to fire my higher power and reinstate alcoholism so it can run my life again. 

Edited August 6, 2019 by SwanderedTalent
grammars is wrong!!!!

[Charles DeMar 221]

Thanks, Swandered.  That describes me to a "T."

A bit of a "drunkalogue" as I'm reflective upon my time one year ago, leading up to the beginning of my first ever attempt at sobriety:

One year ago today, my wife / kids / dog left town for a few days.  Leading up to that time, for the past several months, I had been subjected to "controlled, monitored" drinking by the wife which was only controlled as far as she could see, and monitored when we were in the room together.  I had a pretty tame night the first night she was gone; drank NEARLY a handle of tequila, ate fried chicken, and watched a couple of episodes of Tom Hanks' "The Pacific," which I'd never seen before.  "Pretty tame."  

The next morning, since I had more to drink than I had in a while, I felt pretty crappy, and before a meeting with some potential sellers at a property for my side gig, I had a few more chugs to get the day going.  By the end of that property walk-around, I could barely walk or talk, let alone offer anything sagely to the realtors.  I somehow made it to my car without falling down, but it was obvious I was drunk.  I commenced to back into a parking bollard and wreck my car, then drove home, probably with a stop at Spec's on the way.

The rest of the day was a blackout.  I skipped work, drank, slept, and who knows what.  That night, I remember being in my car, parked in front of my driveway gate, but without my keys.  I then couldn't remember the gate code, so I climbed the fence, tore myself up pretty good, then tried to break into my own house.  No telling how long this went on, but I remember waking with the sun the next morning, covered in mosquito bites, and remembered the gate code.  Found my keys in the passenger seat of my car, went inside, and proceeded to get ready for work, which I would skip for two more days.

Thankfully, a moment of "God," when on day 4, two friends came to pick me up, asked me if I was drunk, and I admitted a problem.  After several days, two ER visits, a tried and failed sober living house situation, and a completely destroyed 13th birthday party for my son, I was in IOP and back to work, and began this sober journey of self-reflection and spirituality.

I'm thinking a lot about that dark void I was in.  I think a lot about the "not good enough-ness" I've led myself to believe in for years.  I have been thinking a lot about that lost week, where I went, what I did, and how I survived.

I'm very blessed to be sober today, a few days short of a year, and thankful for all those who came before me, in rooms, in this forum, and everywhere else.  I have today, and although I could be beating myself up, I'm thankful to be here instead of there.

 

TL:DR - anniversary of going completely insane and thankful to be sober today.

[TwiceHorn 31539]

6 minutes ago, Charles DeMar said:

Thanks, Swandered.  That describes me to a "T."

A bit of a "drunkalogue" as I'm reflective upon my time one year ago, leading up to the beginning of my first ever attempt at sobriety:

One year ago today, my wife / kids / dog left town for a few days.  Leading up to that time, for the past several months, I had been subjected to "controlled, monitored" drinking by the wife which was only controlled as far as she could see, and monitored when we were in the room together.  I had a pretty tame night the first night she was gone; drank NEARLY a handle of tequila, ate fried chicken, and watched a couple of episodes of Tom Hanks' "The Pacific," which I'd never seen before.  "Pretty tame."  

The next morning, since I had more to drink than I had in a while, I felt pretty crappy, and before a meeting with some potential sellers at a property for my side gig, I had a few more chugs to get the day going.  By the end of that property walk-around, I could barely walk or talk, let alone offer anything sagely to the realtors.  I somehow made it to my car without falling down, but it was obvious I was drunk.  I commenced to back into a parking bollard and wreck my car, then drove home, probably with a stop at Spec's on the way.

The rest of the day was a blackout.  I skipped work, drank, slept, and who knows what.  That night, I remember being in my car, parked in front of my driveway gate, but without my keys.  I then couldn't remember the gate code, so I climbed the fence, tore myself up pretty good, then tried to break into my own house.  No telling how long this went on, but I remember waking with the sun the next morning, covered in mosquito bites, and remembered the gate code.  Found my keys in the passenger seat of my car, went inside, and proceeded to get ready for work, which I would skip for two more days.

Thankfully, a moment of "God," when on day 4, two friends came to pick me up, asked me if I was drunk, and I admitted a problem.  After several days, two ER visits, a tried and failed sober living house situation, and a completely destroyed 13th birthday party for my son, I was in IOP and back to work, and began this sober journey of self-reflection and spirituality.

I'm thinking a lot about that dark void I was in.  I think a lot about the "not good enough-ness" I've led myself to believe in for years.  I have been thinking a lot about that lost week, where I went, what I did, and how I survived.

I'm very blessed to be sober today, a few days short of a year, and thankful for all those who came before me, in rooms, in this forum, and everywhere else.  I have today, and although I could be beating myself up, I'm thankful to be here instead of there.

 

TL:DR - anniversary of going completely insane and thankful to be sober today.

You compressed a lot of "bottom shit" into a couple of  weeks there.  That's probably the best way to do it.  I stretched mine out over a good 18 months or more.

[BearSchlong 8115]

I'd love to hear your story, Twice.  All the gory details.

[JohnnyRage 1617]

Charles in charge...

[BearSchlong 8115]

Found a future ex wife.

[El Diablo 4232]

Meth fairy. When a meth addict loses a tooth the meth fairy comes and puts meth in either your cooch or your bung hole. 

[TwiceHorn 31539]

18 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

I'd love to hear your story, Twice.  All the gory details.

I've told it before.  I had begun a long slide and everyone started to notice.  I was prevailed upon to start AA, which I did and got about two months and then got "experimental."  That led to a two week sort of IOP deal, which in turn led to 11 months of white-knuckle sobriety.  That cratered during Thanksgiving 1997, which led to 30 day treatment, then several weeks of IOP, during which the guy said "if someone told me to stand on the streetcorner and wave at every red car, well that's what I'd do."   So I quit overthinking it, did what I was told and 21.5 years later, here we are.

That whole not-quite-18 month period of not-quite-in, not-quite-out was miserable, full of fear and loathing and resentment.  And the binges that bookended it were pretty horrible, not only in terms of what I did to myself, but by then I had an audience that was paying attention and keeping score.

[Charles DeMar 221]

20 hours ago, TwiceHorn said:

You compressed a lot of "bottom shit" into a couple of  weeks there.  That's probably the best way to do it.  I stretched mine out over a good 18 months or more.

There was more of a horrible, downward spiral lead up than described, but, yeah, never missed work from drinking before, never wrecked my car, never never never, but definitely went out with a bang.

 

Balancing the somber mood of remembering how low I was vs. the "happy, joyous, and free" of knowing I do not have to go there again and have power through the "we stay sober" mantra.  I definitely was operating as an "I" and completely isolating myself in so many ways.  I'm naturally a stand off and observe kind of guy (as evidenced by about 10 years of lurking on TOS and the surl until this thread got me in here), but challenging myself to share more and pass on what was freely given to me.

Thanks to all for all you do.

Edited August 7, 2019 by Charles DeMar
more clarity

[TwiceHorn 31539]

Yeah, I'm just referring to the hellish period after you confess to yourself that you really do have a problem, that just quitting on your own isn't going to work, and that you are really truly going to have to admit to yourself and the world that you are an alcoholic and buckle down into this AA thing.

Not discounting the misery that precedes it, just that the above period seems to be a special kind of misery.

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

30 minutes ago, TwiceHorn said:

Yeah, I'm just referring to the hellish period after you confess to yourself that you really do have a problem, that just quitting on your own isn't going to work, and that you are really truly going to have to admit to yourself and the world that you are an alcoholic and buckle down into this AA thing.

Not discounting the misery that precedes it, just that the above period seems to be a special kind of misery.

couple that with a period of "I always thought someday I would quit drinking and that would unlock all of my potential and I'd finally be the man God intended me to be, but... I really don't think I can stop, or stay sober, and nothing will work for me because I'm so tortured and unique, so I guess I give up."

[El Diablo 4232]

Visited with my sister some the other day and we talked about my nephew. Obviously a difficult conversation but she talked about his last days some. He did apparently die from simply falling down the stairs in her home while going to the basement. She and my BIL were here in Waco when it happened and she said that Aaron, the nephew, had been struggling, had relapsed once or twice but had been in and out of AA. He was giving it a try but either couldn't or wouldn't completely give himself to a different way of living. She said that when they left him they had some fear of leaving him there, afraid that he might hurt himself or someone else in his not so mentally healthy condition. Not much comfort to be found in that neither of those happened but when you lose a child I guess you look for anything to grab onto. A sort of "well, honestly and all things considered, it could have been much worse". RIP bud, Unk misses ya.

[Celery Man 21001]

Probably... a year, maybe 18 months or something before I got sober (so, during the basically 2 years that I somehow managed to exist as a drunken ghost) I visited my sister in NYC.  I wouldn't have gone, other family was going, I went.  Plane ride was a little rough - I was that kind of drunk at that point.  The last full day I was there, probably similar to the other days I was there... actually definitely similar to the other days I was there, I was drinking basically between everything.  I mean, there was drinking in the stuff we did as well - I probably had a couple of glasses of wine during... I think I saw the Book of Mormon while we were there, or when we went out for brunch or whatever, but was also having cocktails at the hotel bar and spending time "walking around", which was finding bars and drinking.  At any rate, the last day I was definitely drinking all day and had a fairly normal/"manageable" level of drunk on.  Went to the Pat Green concert (whatever his annual Texas concert is) with my sister and brother in law at the end, went to a bar afterwards with some people we ran into, and at some point got black out drunk.  I didn't make a scene with them or anything, but decided to walk "home" (not sure if I told them or not), which I guess I was confident I'd be able to do because.... grid?  I don't know.  But I definitely got lost.  I have fuzzy recollections of trying to work my way back, kept getting turned around, went to the wrong hotel and was either trying to convince the guy that I was staying there or get him to help me figure out where to go but was telling me I was drunk and he was going to call the police if I didn't leave.  I think maybe I was in a building at one point.  The sun was coming up, then the sun was up, I remember a fairly homeless looking dude asking if I was OK (I think I was carrying my boots at that point). Stopped in for some water at a bodega, I'm sure I looked like a mess.  Then I remembered that cabs existed, hailed one, and managed to come up with the intersection (57th and Lex), and he dropped me off, thank GOD.  Staggered upstairs, passed out on the bed, and then at some point the hotel was knocking on the door telling me I needed to check out.  FUCK, MY FLIGHT.  Threw everything into my bag (forgot a couple of nice shirts), took a cab, definitely had already missed my flight.  Old guy at the airline desk (US Air... why the fuck was I flying US, but it worked out that time) took pity on me and worked together a way for me to get home with a stop off in.... Charlotte.  Had a couple of beers in JFK or whichever airport, got on my plane (man, whoever was sitting next to me, I'm sorry).  Found whatever sports bar in the Charlotte airport and drank some more.  Used my iPad to respond to my sister's email checking that I was OK because I had disappeared and wasn't picking up my phone. I had lost my phone the night before.  I think I connected again through Houston or something and remember having some more drinks near the gate.  Some girl was doing the same thing and we ended up talking, she had an interest in WWI history and was going to go to Ypres soon, and I have a history degree and had taken the WWI class at UT.  How the fuck do I end up chatting up some girl who maybe was cute or at least wasn't fat in that state of being, but of course by that point everything was right in the world again.  I guess I made it home.

I don't know how I managed to emerge from that 48 hours just OK.  Out the cost of a new phone.  My boots were pretty fucked up.  I'm embarrassed and was embarrassing but mostly to my sister (who found out the whole scoop eventually) and people I'll never see again.  That's probably my biggest wtf drunken episode (outside of my stay in the hospital, which wasn't "drunk"), which is not to say that there weren't others, and is fairly incredible considering that I drank for another year after that.  Ugh. Charles' post reminded me of that night, I feel like we've all been there to some extent or another.  Never again.

[Homercles 10206]

I, for one, have always appreciated the stories here/TOS...all the nitty gritty horrible details. I feel like I’m slowly coming out of a rough patch, spurred by the birth of my daughter in 2016 (second and final kid)...she had horrible acid reflux and didn’t sleep for almost two months, my first had just turned terrible 3’s + had to deal with his place at the center of the universe being overridden, the added stress ramped up arguing with my wife and that’s how my codependency / ‘keep her happy at all costs’ started to really show itself as detrimental to everyone. Having another kid really cemented the transition from ‘no longer a couple with one cute kid, playing zone offense to take turns being a parent’ to ‘real life’.

 

Resentment, anger, stress, anxiety, boredom lead me to drinking more. I got called out for occasionally neglecting kid duties (basic stuff like forgetting to put a dirty diaper in the genie, nothing serious) and decided to start hiding it. I was successful a lot, but constantly being hungover had me working from home to nurse hangovers, dreading the kids coming home / scrutiny from my wife, so I’d repeat that process almost daily in a shitty cycle. And god help me when I got caught, or lied about it.

 

Started seeing a therapist, who himself was a recovered codependent, and helped me lay a foundation of not tying my mood to my wife’s. I didn’t fully break that cycle until my wife was off for the summer and I couldn’t lay around all day recovering, didn’t get bored to tears by dinner time, and thus started stringing together sober days, realizing everything is better when I don’t drink, especially solo at home (which is the only place I have this problem...when we go out I can easily nurse beers without the need to keep pushing it).

 

Your stories are helpful in that I see plainly how everyone with a problem used the same ‘tricks’ to hide it, needed a real reason/bottom to break that cycle, alcohol wasn’t treating the root issues and only made them worse...basically let me peer down others abysses and make the decision not to drink that day (or, for me at least, not doing it at home hiding it).

 

Currently I’ve felt a sea change in my outlook, and while parenting two young kids while both of us work full time is not always a picnic, I’m no longer feeling that dread/anxiety/fear of having to be fully present when my family is around. Now I just gotta earn that trust back from my wife and keep taking it a day at a time.

 

Thank you all for spilling your guts of your rough times, it’s a huge motivation for me as a ‘not quite normy but probably not alcoholic’ type.

 

[DallasHorn26 586]

I woke up several times asleep in my vehicle parked in my driveway, not remembering getting there. My worst night/morning was where the last thing i remember was leaving the bar at last call. The next thing I know, the sun is coming up and I'm behind the wheel cruising down 75 and the entire passenger side of my car is scratched/dented up like I sideswiped a wall or something. 

Getting really close to 5 months now and still haven't had a drink. I can't say the desire hasn't been there, but I've managed not to. I will say that I have managed this with very few meetings, but I have been in regular therapy and have been visiting a psychiatrist. Would I have been able to do this without anti-depressant/anxiety meds,  have no idea, but I"m very thankful for a semi clear head and not having to nurse the damn hangovers every morning. 

[BearSchlong 8115]

@DallasHorn26, Congratulations. Gonna be real honest with you, if you can sustain continuous sobriety without throwing yourself 100% into AA, I mean having a full blown love affair with AA, then you're an outlier.  Just my 2 cents based on 8.5 years of anecdotal evidence.

We talk about OUR experience, strength, and hope. . .well, my experience is that I see people crawling back into AA a few years after their initial visiting period - if they make it back at all, many end up dead.  My experience is this -

Me + (anxiety, mood stabilizer, antidepressant) meds + my psychiatrists treat symptoms and might sorta keep me on the rails for a while

Me + AA fellowship +AA literature +AA sponsorship + my psychiatrist + light dose of antidepressant = a whole new way of life beyond the 1st equation

But then again I'm the type of real alcoholic described in the big book.

@Homerclesglad you found manageability.  I found it in the inverse manner, I.e quit drinking and then identified/treated the codependence when I took a hard look at what part of self (ego) had been threatened that ended up with me drinking (or popping xanax/valium).

"Doc, you've got to give me something to tune her out. . . because I can't make her happy, and I'm going CRAZY. . ."

Now I have to be willing to accept every relationship exactly as it is, and if I can't, walk away from it completely.  Realizing I am who I am is so damned liberating.

Edited August 9, 2019 by BearSchlong

[DallasHorn26 586]

@bearschlong Thanks for that, and I do worry about that sometimes I am just in a honeymoon phase of sorts with this and how sustainable this path will be. 

[BearSchlong 8115]

AA is so fucking entertaining though. . .my people.  Real talk.  Where we embrace being nutty and experience breakout success in spite of ourselves.

Edited August 9, 2019 by BearSchlong

[TwiceHorn 31539]

8 minutes ago, DallasHorn26 said:

@bearschlong Thanks for that, and I do worry about that sometimes I am just in a honeymoon phase of sorts with this and how sustainable this path will be. 

It will be there if you need it.

[BearSchlong 8115]

indeed.

Ya'll wanna hear something funny?

My ex wife, the same woman who thinks AA is a cult and who told me at 5 years sober "I hope you go get drunk, asshole" because I am incapable/unwilling of living to her specifications is now the CEO of a large inpatient/Intensive Out Patient 12 step recovery based drug and rehab facility.

She's handling the money/insurance reimbursement/business dev part of it, thank God, not the clinical.  Grudgingly, I think she's going to do a great job at those functions.

My higher power has a great sense of humor.

Edited August 9, 2019 by BearSchlong

[Kennythetiger 9473]

2 hours ago, DallasHorn26 said:

@bearschlong Thanks for that, and I do worry about that sometimes I am just in a honeymoon phase of sorts with this and how sustainable this path will be. 

Just keep moving forward, in whatever way gets you there.  

[pch 1261]

On 8/9/2019 at 3:18 PM, BearSchlong said:

indeed.

Ya'll wanna hear something funny?

My ex wife, the same woman who thinks AA is a cult and who told me at 5 years sober "I hope you go get drunk, asshole" because I am incapable/unwilling of living to her specifications is now the CEO of a large inpatient/Intensive Out Patient 12 step recovery based drug and rehab facility.

She's handling the money/insurance reimbursement/business dev part of it, thank God, not the clinical.  Grudgingly, I think she's going to do a great job at those functions.

My higher power has a great sense of humor.

There are no coincidences-but there are damn sure some wtf lol results in this deal.

[Charles DeMar 221]

Celebrated one year on Saturday.  Amazing the support I've gotten both inside and outside the program.

 

Happy, Joyous, Free is a daily challenge, but I'm attacking it without the former "solution" at the bottom of the bottle. 

 

I'm grateful to all y'all on this board, and all those who came before me and have offered their experience so that I might learn from that and apply it to myself.

 

CDM

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

Keep on keepin' on, CDM. I'm just ahead of you at 460 days and still wonder why I wasted so much of my life living drunk. Doesn't do any good to look back, but it's hard to help it, too. I don't know if the honeymoon phase ends, or if everyday is a reminder of how life can and should be, but I love being sober. 

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

18 hours ago, BBQ2Bayou said:

I'm just ahead of you at 460 days

458 here!  Class of '18 holla

Edited August 13, 2019 by SwanderedTalent

[Shady Ray 1633]

Checking in here. My drinking has increased a lot over the past six months. I have tried to stop, or at least slow down, and I it isn't working. It is getting worse.

I can point to a bunch of excuses, but none of them are valid reasons; I just want to get my life turned around.

I am 40 and it is time.

I haven't hit rock bottom, but I would like to avoid that, as it is an inevitability otherwise, so I am going to my first AA meeting after work ends in three hours. 

Thanks to all of you for posting here. If nothing else, you have encouraged me to take the first step.

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

11 minutes ago, Shady Ray said:

Checking in here. My drinking has increased a lot over the past six months. I have tried to stop, or at least slow down, and I it isn't working. It is getting worse.

I can point to a bunch of excuses, but none of them are valid reasons; I just want to get my life turned around.

I am 40 and it is time.

I haven't hit rock bottom, but I would like to avoid that, as it is an inevitability otherwise, so I am going to my first AA meeting after work ends in three hours. 

Thanks to all of you for posting here. If nothing else, you have encouraged me to take the first step.

a lot of aspects of AA and recovery might make you say "what the fuck" or "oh hell no" at first

this is normal

keep at it and good luck

[Dewey 3294]

580 for me, got a call from a good friend yesterday, he was at the bar and had too much. So I picked him up and took him home. On the way he told me his mother was in the hospital, cirrhosis of the liver. Really sad, she's a beautiful person, just too heavy like a lot of us in the alcohol department. 

He asked questions and I answered best I could, part of the talk was handling bad news, bad situations. I got around to telling him that alcohol is a depressant, to think about it. When we get bad news and drink, how long do we feel good for? Or when we're tired of our wife's shit or work and go into our garage to slam beers, are we really blowing off steam? The answer is hell no, we're more depressed,  more angry, the steam has built up. 

The power of a higher power, of positive thinking and meditation and prayer... it was hard for me to hear, I'm sure for others, but that's where it's at and I love it. 

 

[52-80 19259]

On 8/9/2019 at 10:18 PM, BearSchlong said:

My ex wife, the same woman who thinks AA is a cult and who told me at 5 years sober "I hope you go get drunk, asshole" because I am incapable/unwilling of living to her specifications is now the CEO of a large inpatient/Intensive Out Patient 12 step recovery based drug and rehab facility.

soooooo... she's great at building her pipeline?

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

2 hours ago, Dewey said:

When we get bad news and drink, how long do we feel good for? Or when we're tired of our wife's shit or work and go into our garage to slam beers, are we really blowing off steam? The answer is hell no, we're more depressed,  more angry, the steam has built up. 

and we're dependent on something extrinsic-- the Substance, as David Foster Wallace called it-- to change how we feel

[Charles DeMar 221]

6 hours ago, Shady Ray said:

Checking in here. My drinking has increased a lot over the past six months. I have tried to stop, or at least slow down, and I it isn't working. It is getting worse.

I can point to a bunch of excuses, but none of them are valid reasons; I just want to get my life turned around.

I am 40 and it is time.

I haven't hit rock bottom, but I would like to avoid that, as it is an inevitability otherwise, so I am going to my first AA meeting after work ends in three hours. 

Thanks to all of you for posting here. If nothing else, you have encouraged me to take the first step.

My first meeting was a whirlwind.  "What are all these people talking about?  I didn't do that crazy shit.  I'm not as big a drunk as them.  Why are they all laughing at this poor sot's problems?"

 

It may take a few meetings, in different places with different crowds, to see that you could share more similarities with everyone else in that room than you thought when you went in.

 

Good on you, Shady, and I've found that the more I go, the more I understand about the challenges everybody in those rooms had, just like me, and was covered up by alcohol, not solved by it.

 

Keep going and keep posting.

CDM

[pch 1261]

Day 7777 has passed and I didn't drink.  God as I understand Him thanks to the program of AA is good.

[JohnnyRage 1617]

20 hours ago, Shady Ray said:

Checking in here. My drinking has increased a lot over the past six months. I have tried to stop, or at least slow down, and I it isn't working. It is getting worse.

I can point to a bunch of excuses, but none of them are valid reasons; I just want to get my life turned around.

I am 40 and it is time.

I haven't hit rock bottom, but I would like to avoid that, as it is an inevitability otherwise, so I am going to my first AA meeting after work ends in three hours. 

Thanks to all of you for posting here. If nothing else, you have encouraged me to take the first step.

I've got some bad news for you, depending on how you see things...

 

Football season in nigh.

 

So you can enjoy your first football season - possibly since your childhood - sober, something we've all have had to do and ended up being grateful for, or you can ignore the situation and embrace the consequences of your future drinking. That sounds scary and painful.

Good news for the world is that it will still keep turning, at least for some, and the Longhorns are going to fuck this season.

 

 

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

7 hours ago, pch said:

Day 7777 has passed and I didn't drink.  God as I understand Him thanks to the program of AA is good.

I hope you get another 7777 days (at least)

[Kennythetiger 9473]

3 hours ago, JohnnyRage said:

I've got some bad news for you, depending on how you see things...

 

Football season in nigh.

 

So you can enjoy your first football season - possibly since your childhood - sober, something we've all have had to do and ended up being grateful for, or you can ignore the situation and embrace the consequences of your future drinking. That sounds scary and painful.

Good news for the world is that it will still keep turning, at least for some, and the Longhorns are going to fuck this season.

 

 

Yep, Johnny's right.

I was convinced I couldn't go through a football season without drinking.  Who does that?  Not a real man and football fan, anyway.

Even though everyone bitches about the 11:00 a.m. games, those are my favorite.  Get up early, see how much menial shit I can get done, then make something rich and unhealthy for a late breakfast and sit my ass in my recliner.  I am fiercely protective of that "my time".  And as a K-State alum, I sure loved Mack and Charlie on the sideline for y'all.  

We're glad you came in here, and hope you stay.  

[TwiceHorn 31539]

On 8/13/2019 at 7:40 AM, SwanderedTalent said:

a lot of aspects of AA and recovery might make you say "what the fuck" or "oh hell no" at first

this is normal

keep at it and good luck

QFT.   It is intimidating as hell. But a huge part of that is the way you look at and see things as an alcoholic.  Baby steps, but keep steppin, literally and figuratively.  

Also, maybe talk to your doc about detox.  Going cold turkey off the EtOh can be dangerous.

[TexArcher 38075]

On 8/13/2019 at 7:28 AM, Shady Ray said:

Checking in here. My drinking has increased a lot over the past six months. I have tried to stop, or at least slow down, and I it isn't working. It is getting worse.

I can point to a bunch of excuses, but none of them are valid reasons; I just want to get my life turned around.

I am 40 and it is time.

I haven't hit rock bottom, but I would like to avoid that, as it is an inevitability otherwise, so I am going to my first AA meeting after work ends in three hours. 

Thanks to all of you for posting here. If nothing else, you have encouraged me to take the first step.

Kudos to you for taking a huge first step.

The problem with hitting rock bottom, at least with the alcoholics I know, both practicing and recovering, is that we tend to lie there and roll around in it for a few years before we sober up.  By that point, our sense of self-worth is so battered that we know we've hit rock bottom, but doing something about it seems damn near impossible, and the idea of connecting with a bunch of preachy strangers is nauseating, and who is this alleged god?, and I can just drink through this weekend, really tie one on in a saying goodbye kind of way, then I'll try a meeting on Monday, start a new week off with a new lifestyle, and when that doesn't work I can just make it September 1st, start a new month off right, and eventually it can become my New Year's resolution, and you know what, it doesn't really even matter if I sober up anyway - my life has gotten so small and isolated and insulated that who would even notice?  And I like drinking.  Who's to say it's even wrong?  Everyone drinks or smokes pot or takes Prozac or Valium or goes to church.  Everybody's hooked on something.  You need a crutch to get through this.  So why should I...

Etc...

If you can quit before your mind starts thinking that way, and you can, you'll be saving yourself and those who care about you a lot of hurt.

Best of luck to you.  It's a hard road back, but there's a lot of help along the way.

Edited August 14, 2019 by TexArcher

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

27 minutes ago, TexArcher said:

Kudos to you for taking a huge first step.

The problem with hitting rock bottom, at least with the alcoholics I know, both practicing and recovering, is that we tend to lie there and roll around in it for a few years before we sober up.  By that point, our sense of self-worth is so battered that we know we've hit rock bottom, but doing something about it seems damn near impossible, and the idea of connecting with a bunch of preachy strangers is nauseating, and who is this alleged god?, and I can just drink through this weekend, really tie one on in a saying goodbye kind of way, then I'll try a meeting on Monday, start a new week off with a new lifestyle, and when that doesn't work I can just make it September 1st, start a new month off right, and eventually it can become my New Year's resolution, and you know what, it doesn't really even matter if I sober up anyway - my life has gotten so small and isolated and insulated that who would even notice?  And I like drinking.  Who's to say it's even wrong?  Everyone drinks or smokes pot or takes Prozac or Valium or goes to church.  Everybody's hooked on something.  You need a crutch to get through this.  So why should I...

Etc...

If you can quit before your mind starts thinking that way, and you can, you'll be saving yourself and those who care about you a lot of hurt.

Best of luck to you.  It's a hard road back, but there's a lot of help along the way.

this whole thing makes me say wow-- great, great post