I'm An Alcoholic

[pch 1261]

Mrs PCH celebrated  26 years at the 7am at Harbor this morning.  Her story begins with "I went to my first AA meeting to support him cause he really had a bad alcohol problem." The fact that she has 5 more years than me proves that she was right in that initial observation, but also that she had a moment of clarity as a result of attending that meeting.  It's a great life I share with a partner in recovery today and the road to happy destiny is our path.

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

On 8/25/2019 at 12:05 AM, hundredTT said:

I failed bad today. Had a family gathering that I thought I could handle. Between football, bbq, cousins....I’m not nearly as strong as I thought. 6 tall boys and a several heavy mixed drinks of vodka and tonic - I’m back to square one. Need way more help than I thought. 

Hundred, hope you're doing OK this morning. You got a lot of people out there you don't even know praying for you. Slips, relapses, or any kind of difficulty in getting and staying sober are not good or even real reasons to give up on yourself. They're just manifestations of the disease we have. I know how awful it is to wake up after ending a period of sobriety and feel trapped, like you tried everything you had and couldn't do it. That's sort of the basis of the program-- we can't do it. Not on our own. And we're stubborn and sometimes it take a lot of trying and failing before we can really grasp what surrender and acceptance and help mean.

[Kennythetiger 9473]

1 hour ago, SwanderedTalent said:

Hundred, hope you're doing OK this morning. You got a lot of people out there you don't even know praying for you. 

Yep.  Spent the last few days hoping you're ok.  

[Kennythetiger 9473]

Working in my office this morning and Allison Moorer had a new song on my xm channel.  Caught the lyrics of "I'm tired of pushing this rock up a hill".  Seemed pretty fitting for this thread, or for my drinking, at least.  

[BearSchlong 8115]

@pch that is amazing. . .

9 years ago next month I was introduced to the Lakeside Conference, held at the Lake Brownwood Christian Camp near scenic Brownwood TX.  I was hooked, and I've made this conference my absolute "mandatory, non-negotiable, I will attend every year unless dead or maimed" annual event.

Many people from Austin, Rockport, Odessa, Brady, Dallas, Oklahoma City, and Conroe.

We arrive Thursday and have a podium meeting/barbecue/raffle hosted by the Browntowner's AA group.  Friday, some of us go play a scramble to raise money for scholarships for the people who can't afford to pay their own way.  The conference begins Friday night and continues Saturday morning, Saturday night, and Sunday morning.  Saturday afternoon is free time, which is usually 50 sober alcoholics watching college football at the local BW3.

https://lakesideconference.org/jc_open.php

This is the 59th annual event, it's the 2nd oldest AA conference in the world - I think the Blackstone conference in VA is older, I don't want to say that Blackstone is exclusive, but it's really small and is perpetually sold out.  Anyway, my late Great Grand Sponsor Roy B celebrated his 52nd sobriety birthday at his 51st consecutive lakeside conference last September before passing on in December.

In case you haven't noticed, I have strong feelings about this conference.  It's my spiritual new year reset, and I am absolutely in love with my AA friends that I see there every year.  Yes @Augustusyou certainly are welcome to fly in from the desert. . .

All of you are cordially invited into my magical circle of sober friends.

Edited August 27, 2019 by BearSchlong

[hullabelew 3724]

On 8/25/2019 at 1:05 AM, hundredTT said:

I failed bad today. Had a family gathering that I thought I could handle. Between football, bbq, cousins....I’m not nearly as strong as I thought. 6 tall boys and a several heavy mixed drinks of vodka and tonic - I’m back to square one. Need way more help than I thought. 

Like mentioned above, you didn't fail.  In around 200 guys I met while going through a 28 stint at rehab, 2 of the 3 guys I thought were the 'strongest' both relapsed.  They each did 28 days in-patient, then a 30 day, very intensive program that was a cross between in-patient and outpatient.  One relapsed within 2 weeks, and one made it 3 days.  Three fucking days.  That was the end of June.  I just talked to him today.  Upon relapse, he re-admitted himself into a more extensive in-patient program and stayed 60 more days.  

And these were 2 of the 3 guys I thought were the most successful, strongest, dedicated and hardest working during our 28 days.  

So, don't beat yourself up.  I tried for years to quit on my own, then AA.  Neither stuck for long and I finally, completely gave up and admitted myself into an excellent program.  I'm still very new at this (less than 120 days) but honestly, I haven't felt like drinking anything.   That isn't exactly true.....a couple of times after working in the yard or while kayaking down the river, I thought "Damn, a cold beer would be good right now."  But I stared that down because I knew where it would lead.  Then about 4 times when my wife went full-scale lunatic on me.   But now, I have the tools to realize that is her fucking issue.  Admittedly, I realized that 'this is the point where I usually bail, head to the bar and not show back up for a couple of days' but again, I realized what it was and just stared that fucker down.

Best of luck.

[TwiceHorn 31539]

During my first stint in the IOP type program, I did a little experimenting.  That is, I drank, also while on naltrexone.

The next day I came in and fessed up to having drank.  No one gave a shit.  Someone said, "you're an alcoholic, that's what you do."  In my self-centeredness, I really think I wanted someone to condemn me, to give me 40 lashes, to treat me like some special kind of fuckup, which I would have interpreted as their "blessing" to keep drinking.  But they didn't.

In any event, it's not something to beat yourself up over.  It's neither here nor there except as further evidence of what you are and what you do because of it.  If you accept this truth, or come closer to accepting it, you are further on your way than you were before.

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

39 minutes ago, hullabelew said:

"Damn, a cold beer would be good right now."

I sometimes reminisce about my senior year of college, sitting outside on the porch at our rental house in Hyde Park at 2 in the morning, blasting Little Wing by SRV and drinking beer and smoking cigarettes. Sure was fun! But guess what happens if I head on over there tonight and try to recreate that particular tableau? Out come the handcuffs.

[darwin 1]

Can anyone in Austin recommend a low cost rehab facility and not a complete shithole for an adult that has a drug problem?  Or have any opinions for facilities that are reasonable with health insurance?  Currently looking at Austin Recovery and wondering if it's any good.

Edited August 27, 2019 by darwin

[BearSchlong 8115]

36 minutes ago, TwiceHorn said:

During my first stint in the IOP type program, I did a little experimenting.  That is, I drank, also while on naltrexone.

The next day I came in and fessed up to having drank.  No one gave a shit.  Someone said, "you're an alcoholic, that's what you do."  In my self-centeredness, I really think I wanted someone to condemn me, to give me 40 lashes, to treat me like some special kind of fuckup, which I would have interpreted as their "blessing" to keep drinking.  But they didn't.

In any event, it's not something to beat yourself up over.  It's neither here nor there except as further evidence of what you are and what you do because of it.  If you accept this truth, or come closer to accepting it, you are further on your way than you were before.

Very well said.  I remember when I had the aha moment when I realized that my default setting was either drinking or anticipating drinking - that was the "normal" mindset.

To actually not drink, nor obsess over it was the abnormal mindset.

I think I prattled on about that in a noon meeting for a while as if I'd discovered some new paradigm.

Earlier this afternoon I did the unthinkable - gasp - I actually called my sponsor.  He told me to quit trying to take control of my professional life back when God is handling it perfectly well on it's/his own time.

We talked about his dogs for a while, then the old coot sent me a link to what he calls the newcomer song. 

Lyrics are:

You look pretty in your fancy dress
But I detect unhappiness
You never speak so I have to guess
You're not free

There, maybe when you're old enough
You'll realize you're not so tough
And some days the seas get rough
And you'll see

You're too young to have it figured out
You think you know what you're talking about
You think it will all work itself out
But we'll see

When I was young I thought I knew
You probably think you know too
Do you? Well do you?
I was naive just like you
I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to do
Well, what's you gonna do?

And how have you gotten by so far
Without having a visible scar?
No one knows who you really are
They can't see

What's you gonna do (what's you gonna do)
What's you gonna do now
What's you gonna do (what's you gonna do)
What's you gonna do now
What's you gonna do (what's you gonna do)
What's you gonna do now
What's you gonna do (what's you gonna do)
What's you gonna do now
What's you gonna do now

The only way you'll ever learn a thing
Is to admit that you know absolutely nothing
Oh nothing
Think about this carefully
You might not get another chance to speak freely
Oh freely

Maybe when you're old enough
Maybe when you're old enough
Maybe when you're old enough
You're not free
You're not free

[Augustus 3061]

7 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

@pch that is amazing. . .

9 years ago next month I was introduced to the Lakeside Conference, held at the Lake Brownwood Christian Camp near scenic Brownwood TX.  I was hooked, and I've made this conference my absolute "mandatory, non-negotiable, I will attend every year unless dead or maimed" annual event.

Many people from Austin, Rockport, Odessa, Brady, Dallas, Oklahoma City, and Conroe.

We arrive Thursday and have a podium meeting/barbecue/raffle hosted by the Browntowner's AA group.  Friday, some of us go play a scramble to raise money for scholarships for the people who can't afford to pay their own way.  The conference begins Friday night and continues Saturday morning, Saturday night, and Sunday morning.  Saturday afternoon is free time, which is usually 50 sober alcoholics watching college football at the local BW3.

https://lakesideconference.org/jc_open.php

This is the 59th annual event, it's the 2nd oldest AA conference in the world - I think the Blackstone conference in VA is older, I don't want to say that Blackstone is exclusive, but it's really small and is perpetually sold out.  Anyway, my late Great Grand Sponsor Roy B celebrated his 52nd sobriety birthday at his 51st consecutive lakeside conference last September before passing on in December.

In case you haven't noticed, I have strong feelings about this conference.  It's my spiritual new year reset, and I am absolutely in love with my AA friends that I see there every year.  Yes @Augustusyou certainly are welcome to fly in from the desert. . .

All of you are cordially invited into my magical circle of sober friends.

I'd certainly love to be there but can't make it.

I understand your affection for the conference.  I feel the same way about the Crested Butte conference each year during last week of July, though I haven't been able to make it as consistently as you do Lakeside.  We did have a beautiful Area Assembly up in Flagstaff last weekend. Getting involved in general service has been a really great experience.

BTW, have you read Howard P's book "My Life on a Frozen Lake?"  I highly recommend it for you.  It's expanded my experience working the steps and is growing my understanding of personal powerlessness and trying to live in harmony with God's will.  It's been a real gift to me.

God Bless, brother.

[Augustus 3061]

2 hours ago, darwin said:

Can anyone in Austin recommend a low cost rehab facility and not a complete shithole for an adult that has a drug problem?  Or have any opinions for facilities that are reasonable with health insurance?  Currently looking at Austin Recovery and wondering if it's any good.

Low cost and shithole kind of go hand in hand, if you're talking about amenities or how rough the crowd is.  State funded or charitably funded places just don't have the resources to provide what a private facility can.

My sponsor throughout the first 6 years of my sobriety is an Austin Recovery alum.  He was a wealthy business owner at one time who had to go to Austin Recovery because he'd bankrupted himself and wound up homeless.  Sometimes, a really "humble" setting can be very positive for us.

What kind of insurance are we talking about, private or Medicaid?  If private, cost is gonna be the same no matter where goes (for the most part.  Depends on in/out of network, for example).

Let me know if it's a private plan (through an employer or on a parent's policy, eg)  If so I can recommend some places.

If it's Medicaid, AR is as good as any.

 

[Celery Man 21002]

I did IOP at Austin Recovery.  It's across the street from the Salvation Army Adult Rehabilitation Center.  Lots of guys from there are in Austin Recovery, as well as lots of people there on court orders (which isn't unique).  Which is really great (I am impressed with the Salvation Army and what they do there), but also.... like you're in a class with a lot of people some of whom don't want to be there, some of whom are not capable of really being in a class, some of whom have fairly serious problems outside of being an addict.  I had just come from La Hacienda and was staying with my sister for a bit post rehab, and so had a good foundation and a lot of support.  And so that was helpful to me from the perspective of... doing a thing every day that had to do with my recovery and spending a lot of time in the midst of everything surrounding the problem.  I'm trying not to shit on it too much because I don't know what other IOPs are like and La Hacienda is really great, but I didn't think that it was particularly good.  But on the other hand, there were absolutely people there who were making the most of it, some of whom seemed like they were getting a decent foundation for recovery.  I don't know the circumstances, but AA is cheaper.

Augustus' post is good perspective.

Edited August 27, 2019 by Celery Man

[darwin 1]

Thanks guys.  It's for a friend (no, really) and I believe they have private insurance through their parents' policy.  

[BearSchlong 8115]

@AugustusAh Crested Butte, one of my best friends who also attends Lakeside also attends that conference and it's on my bucket list.  I'll give that book a look, thanks brother.

[BearSchlong 8115]

Just read a news article about my ex wife being named executive director of a treatment center. . .lol, she has "extensive experience in addiction treatment" - I should have charged her for the experience of being married to an alcoholic for 16 years, oh wait, I did. . .ok, I need to pray for her happiness and I need to see her as God's child.  I think it's hilarious that a trained gerontologist who then specialized in veterans PTSD ended up in the treatment center industry.  Maybe she needs to invite me to tell my story to her patients?  Too soon?  My higher power sure does like to blow my mind sometimes.

Could her experience of all the horrible shit I did to her is now being used to help others?  Nah, it ain't about me. . .

[pch 1261]

11 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

@AugustusAh Crested Butte, one of my best friends who also attends Lakeside also attends that conference and it's on my bucket list.  I'll give that book a look, thanks brother.

Went to CB last year and enjoyed every minute of it.  And I just ordered the book from Amazon that Augustus mentioned.  Looking forward to adding this to my library and sharing the stories with newcomers.

 

[BearSchlong 8115]

I downloaded on kindle, read the first 10 pages, and immediately ordered 5 from amazon to give to my pigeons. Great insights so far.

[Dertyberd 394]

A little less than two years ago I was in the midst of a back and forth dry/wasted struggle that lasted around 6 months after putting together close to 2 years of sobriety. My friends were worried and starting to tire of my bullshit, but one friend reached out his hand and offered me a flight to Denver for some air, calm, and football.  I thought a change scenery for a couple of days might do the trick and get me to a place I could really get sober again.  I took off work early that day, smoked a little pot, and had a glass of wine to calm my nerves before heading to the airport.  That hour of fucking around led me to miss the check in for my flight, which in turn led me directly to a liquor store to drink away my anger.  On the 40 min back down I-35 to my house I had swilled enough of a liter of vodka that I was noticeably swerving and another driver called the police.  I knew I was being followed so I hauled ass home and beat the cops, but my drunk ass sat in the car making an excuse to my good friend why I missed the flight.  By the time I exited the vehicle, the police had spotted my car and were up on me.  They had me.  I resisted.  It got ugly.  I spent the night in jail and got an APC (Actual Physical Control) charge for my efforts.  All of my years of drinking and I had only been in trouble with the law in college, yet here I was 38 and catching an alcohol inflicted charge after getting sober, and then unsober.

I tell that story because I know what happens if I go back out and drink.  I've just gone through one of the toughest periods of sobriety I've experienced and I didn't drink.  I stayed surrendered, went to meetings, and kept praying to my higher power.  Tonight, I fly to Denver with over 19 months to help my same friend move after a bad break up and watch the opening of football season while giving him a hand.  He doesn't have to worry about me missing that flight.  Living amends at its fucking finest.  I couldn't be more grateful.  Hang in ladies and gents.  It always gets better even if I don't see it for weeks at a time.  Much love, happy days. 

[BearSchlong 8115]

@Dertyberd so dusty in here.  God bless you man.  Can confirm personally that I've never put my hands on a cop unless I was wasted as well, but for me it was 2004.

'grats on the living amends to your buddy.

damned dust!!

[Homercles 10206]

Thanks again for sharing the tough stories.  They’re hugely helpful, along with hangovers when I do drink, to keep me away from that dark place where I was secretly drinking to keep the stress of young kids ‘down’ that caused some issues and mistrust with my wife.  I was tempted to do just that Wednesday but remember what y’all say ‘there’s no problem that drinking won’t make worse’...it’s not like a craving for me, more of a time machine to make hours go by faster, except it’s a machine that leaves me bloodied and exhausted.  

I’m sure it can be hard to relive those lows here, but they help me go ‘yeah I don’t want that’ and only drink once a week socially vs 4-5 alone.  

I started seeing a therapist years ago off/on on orders from my wife to ‘get a handle on your drinking’ and that’s helped me cope with the root cause (taking on too much at home under the guise of covert contracts) but hearing your realities of serious consequences really drive it home. So, as a recovering problem drinker I salute you alcoholics for helping me.  

[J.R. 150]

On 8/25/2019 at 12:05 AM, hundredTT said:

I failed bad today. Had a family gathering that I thought I could handle. Between football, bbq, cousins....I’m not nearly as strong as I thought. 6 tall boys and a several heavy mixed drinks of vodka and tonic - I’m back to square one. Need way more help than I thought. 

Any word?

[Reagan1k 3024]

4 hours ago, Homercles said:

Thanks again for sharing the tough stories.  They’re hugely helpful, along with hangovers when I do drink, to keep me away from that dark place where I was secretly drinking to keep the stress of young kids ‘down’ that caused some issues and mistrust with my wife.  I was tempted to do just that Wednesday but remember what y’all say ‘there’s no problem that drinking won’t make worse’...it’s not like a craving for me, more of a time machine to make hours go by faster, except it’s a machine that leaves me bloodied and exhausted.  

I’m sure it can be hard to relive those lows here, but they help me go ‘yeah I don’t want that’ and only drink once a week socially vs 4-5 alone.  

I started seeing a therapist years ago off/on on orders from my wife to ‘get a handle on your drinking’ and that’s helped me cope with the root cause (taking on too much at home under the guise of covert contracts) but hearing your realities of serious consequences really drive it home. So, as a recovering problem drinker I salute you alcoholics for helping me.  

Thanks for sharing - And your story, while dumbfounding to me how you can moderate even given sufficient reason, makes me realize that I am in fact an alcoholic and is helpful to me as well.  Once I grasped the grace of neutrality toward alcohol and other drinkers, it became just as constructive for me to hear from and observe non-alcoholics as it was to find similarities with the stories of alcoholics.  Watching normal drinkers or problem drinkers who can moderated provides a stark reminder of what I am and they I am fundamentally different.  

I can't fathom drinking socially once a week and not spiraling out of control or going insane trying to moderate.

Thanks for your sharing and godspeed.  I'm glad you found a solution through which you can live in peace.

 

[JohnnyRage 1617]

I get it. I understand that all other choices don't even fucking register. This seems to just be the way to continue to slide into some incomprehensible not now.

I can't do it anymore. I'm too old. It's too painful. It's too wild. I'm a father.

If you are not there yet, you don't have to be. If you are beyond, allow us to pull you back.

We are here.

[BearSchlong 8115]

Forget the alcohol question for a moment - isn't manageability the thing that most people want?

Not always in the hot seat at work

Not always checking the bank and CC accounts and sighing in despair

Not having "her" look at me that way

All I ever wanted was to be comfortable in my own skin, a whole person.

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

the most powerful phrase I've taken to heart is "I don't have to do that anymore", emphasis on "have". When you get some distance from your drinking days and look at all the things you don't HAVE to do anymore-- not just the drinking but all of shit we had to do to enable the drinking itself-- life is so much simpler and simpler is better. I went downtown for a concert last week and I didn't have to worry about being too drunk to drive home or how I would smuggle alcohol into the facility or whether I'd have any panic. I just went and enjoyed it. I didn't have to talk myself out of just staying at home and getting obliterated on the couch; seeing the band and being with friends was legitimately what I wanted to do.

None of that would be possible without sobriety via this program and my Higher Power.

[Reagan1k 3024]

Yup ......we literally organize and arrange our entire life around the drink.

Who, what, when, where, why, and how are all determined by the drink....subtlety and overtly.  

[hundredTT 578]

I was going to post here how recently I've lost 2 people very close to me, and it caused me to pick up the bottle. Thing is I know it is bullshit, and if it weren't that I'd find something else to pass the buck on. Since I've last posted, I've been drinking myself into oblivion after around 3 days sober. I really have had some major losses that came out of nowhere and just coming back from a rosary now, but I know it don't make a shit. I drink because I like it, and it made dealing with everyone tonight actually enjoyable instead of just pure sadness. I'm at a loss, and going to watch the rest of the NFL game and finish my bottle. Sorry for misspellings, I don't even know how I'm typing at this point, I'm beyond drunk. God Bless. 

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

Still got people here for you, man. No matter how many times you have to fall before you stay up.

[gasman 114]

8 hours ago, hundredTT said:

I was going to post here how recently I've lost 2 people very close to me, and it caused me to pick up the bottle. Thing is I know it is bullshit, and if it weren't that I'd find something else to pass the buck on. Since I've last posted, I've been drinking myself into oblivion after around 3 days sober. I really have had some major losses that came out of nowhere and just coming back from a rosary now, but I know it don't make a shit. I drink because I like it, and it made dealing with everyone tonight actually enjoyable instead of just pure sadness. I'm at a loss, and going to watch the rest of the NFL game and finish my bottle. Sorry for misspellings, I don't even know how I'm typing at this point, I'm beyond drunk. God Bless. 

There is another option if you decide you want it. I know that sounds stupidly obvious, but 2.5 years ago, if you told me that I would not have believed you. I knew I couldn't drink anymore but I didn't really believe that I was capable of not drinking. I wanted off the ride, but couldn't find a way on my own. After one more round of quitting (and honestly meaning it) followed by a morning of regret and self loathing from the inevitable relapse, I drug my scared ass into an AA meeting on a Saturday morning. I sat in the parking lot for 20 minutes working up the courage to go in. I hid in the back corner of the room trying to go unnoticed. What I found inside was a group of people that were understanding and welcomed me. They all drank like I did and were somehow not drinking and not going crazy doing it. I didn't know what they had, but I knew wanted it. I followed a few simple suggestions and came back the next day. I'm sorry for your loss hundredTT. 

[BearSchlong 8115]

11 hours ago, hundredTT said:

I was going to post here how recently I've lost 2 people very close to me, and it caused me to pick up the bottle. Thing is I know it is bullshit, and if it weren't that I'd find something else to pass the buck on. Since I've last posted, I've been drinking myself into oblivion after around 3 days sober. I really have had some major losses that came out of nowhere and just coming back from a rosary now, but I know it don't make a shit. I drink because I like it, and it made dealing with everyone tonight actually enjoyable instead of just pure sadness. I'm at a loss, and going to watch the rest of the NFL game and finish my bottle. Sorry for misspellings, I don't even know how I'm typing at this point, I'm beyond drunk. God Bless. 

I understand.  I liked drinking too, I just couldn't live with the consequences anymore.

We've got a chair with your name on it once your field research is over.

[TwiceHorn 31539]

6 minutes ago, BearSchlong said:

I understand.  I liked drinking too, I just couldn't live with the consequences anymore.

We've got a chair with your name on it once your field research is over.

Wanted, needed, but not sure "liked" was really part of the equation anymore there at the end.

And, what the last two fellows said.

Edited September 6, 2019 by TwiceHorn

[BearSchlong 8115]

I've made a change recently.

I've started my meeting shares by introducing myself with first and last name.  My sponsor and grandsponsor both do this as well, and they got sober in the 80s so I'm not sure if it's a generational thing but I've noticed that the old timers who speak from the podium at conferences tend to do this as well.

It felt really weird at first, but I made mention of the fact that my sponsorship lineage does it, and if it's good enough for them then maybe I should follow their lead.  Also it reminds me that I'm anonymous to the outside world, but not to alcoholics.

When I say my full name and "I'm an alcoholic" I get a feeling of humility, like my whole self is accepting the situation.  LIke I'm taking ownership at a whole new level.

What makes me chuckle is when people say their name both before and after they share.  It's almost like a politician who comes in at the end of an commercial and says "I'm so and so, and I approve this message." It doesn't really bother me, but I can't see myself doing that because it might become about people over principles.

Anyone put any thought in to this kind of stuff?

[Reagan1k 3024]

Heard a speaker once say that we should not be anonymous inside the rooms and should be doing what you are doing. 

Spiritual / humility part aside it allows people to find us when they need us or we need them.  

Someone can’t exactly walk into University Hospital and find me or my family by asking for Reagan from AA. 

I think it’s cool and a good practice.  I know a lot of guys who do it and your post gives me something to think about. 

[TwiceHorn 31539]

I don't announce it when I share, but always introduce myself with first and last name.  At first it was just habit then I thought some on it and came to similar conclusions.

Someone once did chide me a little when I was doing it out of habit, mentioning that sometimes that freaks the newbs out, as if it's expected or anonymity isn't such a big deal.  If I introduce myself to someone that appears a little extra shaky, I'll omit the last name.

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

12 hours ago, hundredTT said:

I was going to post here how recently I've lost 2 people very close to me, and it caused me to pick up the bottle. Thing is I know it is bullshit, and if it weren't that I'd find something else to pass the buck on. Since I've last posted, I've been drinking myself into oblivion after around 3 days sober. I really have had some major losses that came out of nowhere and just coming back from a rosary now, but I know it don't make a shit. I drink because I like it, and it made dealing with everyone tonight actually enjoyable instead of just pure sadness. I'm at a loss, and going to watch the rest of the NFL game and finish my bottle. Sorry for misspellings, I don't even know how I'm typing at this point, I'm beyond drunk. God Bless. 

1) It's not bullshit, you just don't have any defense against the first drink right now. But, as you say, it could just as easily be the pop-top breaking off your pudding cup, you'd drink over it.

2) I stopped liking drinking a long time before I could stop actually drinking. I thought I still liked it, because it was certainly better than the short-term pain of not drinking, but I definitely stopped liking it around the time that being drunk stopped being a build up of gradually increasing waves of "I don't have to give a shit right now" and instead became unpredictable, fleeting, and no escape from giving a shit.

By the time I had almost gotten to the end-- and it was progressive, I "drank to get drunk" because I "liked it" for a LONG time-- the only way to blot out my consciousness of my intolerable situation-- was to get so drunk that I fell into unconsciousness.  

[TexArcher 38075]

1 hour ago, BearSchlong said:

I've made a change recently.

I've started my meeting shares by introducing myself with first and last name.  My sponsor and grandsponsor both do this as well, and they got sober in the 80s so I'm not sure if it's a generational thing but I've noticed that the old timers who speak from the podium at conferences tend to do this as well.

It felt really weird at first, but I made mention of the fact that my sponsorship lineage does it, and if it's good enough for them then maybe I should follow their lead.  Also it reminds me that I'm anonymous to the outside world, but not to alcoholics.

When I say my full name and "I'm an alcoholic" I get a feeling of humility, like my whole self is accepting the situation.  LIke I'm taking ownership at a whole new level.

What makes me chuckle is when people say their name both before and after they share.  It's almost like a politician who comes in at the end of an commercial and says "I'm so and so, and I approve this message." It doesn't really bother me, but I can't see myself doing that because it might become about people over principles.

Anyone put any thought in to this kind of stuff?

I've never shared my last name, but I always mention my sobriety date.

At the end, I just say, "Thanks for listening," "Thanks for the topic and thank y'all for being here today" or "That's all I've got."

I do like what you said about the last name and ownership.  Maybe I'll give that a shot.

[hullabelew 3724]

15 hours ago, hundredTT said:

I was going to post here how recently I've lost 2 people very close to me, and it caused me to pick up the bottle. Thing is I know it is bullshit, and if it weren't that I'd find something else to pass the buck on. Since I've last posted, I've been drinking myself into oblivion after around 3 days sober. I really have had some major losses that came out of nowhere and just coming back from a rosary now, but I know it don't make a shit. I drink because I like it, and it made dealing with everyone tonight actually enjoyable instead of just pure sadness. I'm at a loss, and going to watch the rest of the NFL game and finish my bottle. Sorry for misspellings, I don't even know how I'm typing at this point, I'm beyond drunk. God Bless. 

A few years ago, I tried to quit drinking by going to AA.  Basically just to get my wife off my ass.  I knew I was drinking more than I should but really didn't want to quit.  I hadn't had enough yet.  At the time, I told my sponsor, "I'm pretty sure if my wife left me, I would go back to drinking again.  I don't think I've hit my bottom."   Well, about 6 months ago I finally realized I was at the bottom but knew I couldn't quit on my own.  I had tried before, but I didn't have it in me.  I wasn't strong enough so I scoped out rehabs.  When I went under the arches on the property, it was like a huge weight was lifted out of me.  Not off of me, but out of me.  

I had to be completely and fully fed up to quit.   And I was.  

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

2 hours ago, hullabelew said:

At the time, I told my sponsor, "I'm pretty sure if my wife left me, I would go back to drinking again. 

oh yeah. oh yeah. I had my carveouts in the past. Today there's nothing that could happen that would automatically make me drink-- but there are plenty of things that could put me on tilt emotionally and if that happens, I have to work my program fucking HARD or I will absolutely be at risk of deciding God's just not fair enough to me so I might as well drink at Him. 

Drinking is suicide for me. I can't think of much that would make me want to start a slow-motion suicide at this point. And if I can think of things, a) those things haven't happened and b) if they do, I still don't have to drink over them. I can still go to meetings and lean on my sponsor and my peeps in the program and God's grace. It might get better if I don't drink; it is guaranteed to get worse if I do.

[BearSchlong 8115]

Last night I was at a bar and grill (very upscale place owned by a doctor here in Beaumont) for my mother in laws 70th birthday party. Ordered my usual club soda with lime.

Waitress brings the drinks and I take a small sip.

DAMMIT FUCK SHIT MOTHER FUCKER ITS MOSTLY VODKA.

After this happened the first time a few years back, I know not to swallow until I'm sure of the contents.

I jump up, run behind the bar, and spit it into the trash can. The bartender is looking at me like I'm nuts. I say I need water NOW and the bitch gives me attitude and takes her sweet time pouring out the drink and then getting me a new glass with water. I dont feel like explaining what happened so i just go back to my table.

My wife says there was a look on my face that she's never witnessed, like I was in excruciating pain and about to die.

I wanted to vomit. For about 5 minutes I felt nauseous. It's been 8 years and 8 months since I've tasted vodka. My gut was in a knot for about an hour.

My life flashed before my eyes. I recalled those hundreds of times years back sitting in my truck downing a pint of warm smirnoff.

It was a very physical reaction.

This makes a total of 4 times since I've gotten sober that I had to spit stuff because booze. 2 desserts, 2 drinks. Last time was at a casino where I had ordered a diet coke and it came as a jack and coke. That waitress almost cried because her own mom is a sober alcoholic.

Anyway, people like us have to be careful out there.

Also people in bars are still obnoxious as hell. I guess I was too back in the day.

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

1 hour ago, BearSchlong said:

Last time was at a casino where I had ordered a diet coke and it came as a jack and coke.

Damn, that never even occurred to me as a possibility

Edited September 7, 2019 by SwanderedTalent

[MaybeACoordinator 8349]

Feels good to be sober, knowing I won't come to tomorrow morning, piece together the night before, and then remember this game. Knowing my tendencies, I'd probably have drunk up everything on hand and be facing that dreaded Sunday morning drought that has led some of us past one more "yet": the "I haven't drunk mouthwash, yet."

Well, I still haven't, and God willing, I won't. At least not in the next hour, and tomorrow's another day. 

[Sparky 149]

Thanks to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and you people in this thread today makes 3 years completely sober.  The days leading up to and immediately following this day always cause me to reflect back.  It was about 4 years ago that I had enough and wanted to stop drinking.  I was getting nothing positive from drugs and alcohol and I knew it, but my problem was I didn’t know how to quit.  I think to most that sounds absurd but to my mind I didn’t know.  I’d later find out all I needed to do was get off my ass and go to a meeting and talk to someone.  I also knew I would need a medical detox but again how does that work?  Just go to the ER, since I had not regular doctor, and say I need help.  How does that factor into time away from work?  I thought of all this as I laid in bed with shakes/tremors very similar to Leaving Las Vegas because I had been on more of bender than usual and had been about 7 hours without a drink.  I reluctantly grabbed the vodka bottle because I knew it would stop the pain I was in and I didn’t want to call 911 and I didn’t want to die, so easiest path.  Well I say I didn’t want to die but, in my mind, I think I was ok I was ok if that happened.  Looking back on it I was doing very little to ensure my life continued on in general.  Over that year I would have swings where I thought I was ok.  I would have “good” days but in my sick and insane mind when I would have those days I would think I was the exception and I had figured out how to live as a severe alcoholic.  I was not suffering obvious health concerns (I had gotten used to the tremors and anxiety as normal), work wasn’t an issue, and somehow, I had avoided any legal issues.    I’m single so no family pressure so in my mind the life I was living was just me and working out. Something else I realized after I got sober was that it took me a lot of work when I was in my disease.  A lot of work to make sure I put on my best face to not be found out and to fake “normal” activities to give the illusion I wasn’t a shut in.  Plus, the constant worry of is today the day this flimsy ass house of cards I have chosen to live in finally crumbles down on me?  I’m forever grateful to my mother for noticing it and ultimately pushing me to rehab.  She saved my life.  It was a few days before I surrendered that I took a weekend road trip to put on the appearance that I wasn’t a shut in and perhaps make myself feel that way.  I would do that from time to time and all I’d do is drive somewhere, couldn’t trust flying because I didn’t want to get stuck on a plane without booze.  But when I got to my location I would just lay there and get drunk but at least I wasn’t at home, right?  Anyway, this time I took a nasty fall in public and didn’t have the strength to get myself back up.  A very kind stranger came by and helped me across the street to the hotel and the staff there called 911 which I hid in my room from because I was sure it was jail.  I did have to go the hospital later in the evening, after the scene in the lobby settled down, for a nasty cut on my elbow that wouldn’t stop bleeding.  I knew then it was over.  I called my mother and she came and got me and drove me home and pushed rehab on me the whole way.  A few days later I surrendered and went to rehab.  When I made the decision and said yes and realized it was really happening a sense of calm took me over, a high like I hadn’t felt in a long time, my fight with this was coming to an end.  When I got there, I got a breathalyzer and blew a .349 and they called the ambulance and straight to the hospital where I then spent 6 days in ICU just to detox.  They gave me only a 60% chance of surviving detox.  Now here I sit 3 years later with a life like I never thought possible.  I share this because I personally find strength when I hear others stories.  I also share this because I see people in here say they are struggling and not sure what to do or those that have family and friends where they are seeking guidance.  Just go to a meeting and talk to someone, they are willing to help.  Don’t make it complicated like I did, it almost cost me my life.  Plus, I also share a reminder to myself how low in life I was and that if I was to go back out I know right where I’d pick up at.  Thanks for reading, listening and your sharing.

 

It’s a great day to be sober!

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

4 hours ago, Sparky said:

But when I got to my location I would just lay there and get drunk but at least I wasn’t at home, right?  Anyway, this time I took a nasty fall in public and didn’t have the strength to get myself back up.  A very kind stranger came by and helped me across the street to the hotel and the staff there called 911 which I hid in my room from because I was sure it was jail.  I did have to go the hospital later in the evening, after the scene in the lobby settled down, for a nasty cut on my elbow that wouldn’t stop bleeding.  I knew then it was over.  I called my mother and she came and got me and drove me home and pushed rehab on me the whole way.  A few days later I surrendered and went to rehab.  When I made the decision and said yes and realized it was really happening a sense of calm took me over, a high like I hadn’t felt in a long time, my fight with this was coming to an end.  When I got there, I got a breathalyzer and blew a .349 and they called the ambulance and straight to the hospital where I then spent 6 days in ICU just to detox.  They gave me only a 60% chance of surviving detox. 

powerful

[Celery Man 21002]

On 9/8/2019 at 9:37 AM, Sparky said:

When I got there, I got a breathalyzer and blew a .349

 

Congrats on 3 years.  Scares the shit out if you to remember just how unmanageable your life had become.

[El Diablo 4232]

Thanks for that @Sparky  A whole lot of my own story in there and hearing you tell it reminds me that I'm not alone or unique and that there is a solution. 

[hullabelew 3724]

Great stuff @Sparky

[BearSchlong 8115]

Ditto @Sparky

Loved your post.

Last night I shared at my home group about what happened on Friday night, about accidentally getting a mouthful of vodka and having 22 years of alcoholic drinking flash through my mind.

A retread who I used to sponsor, who has been around and in AA for at least a decade, came up to me after the meeting and told me I was overreacting and was being melodramatic.  This was 5 minutes after he picked up his (at least) 25th desire chip after spending the last 5 days in detox.

My response was that my reaction was entirely appropriate for someone with some years of continuous sobriety, and recounted the hot flame metaphor from the BB.

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

You would think at 16 months sober, and once you've been in and out a few times, and once you have literally experienced the feeling that "when I go to meetings regularly, 4 to 7 a week, I feel fucking GREAT, but when I don't go for a week I start to get weird and all my serenity goes away", that you'd thus go to meetings all the time instead of finding excuses why you're so busy that you'll just go tomorrow. You would think that. Unless you knew me. Jesus, it's the second time in six weeks I've done that shit.

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

12 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

A retread who I used to sponsor, who has been around and in AA for at least a decade, came up to me after the meeting and told me I was overreacting and was being melodramatic.  This was 5 minutes after he picked up his (at least) 25th desire chip after spending the last 5 days in detox.

My response was that my reaction was entirely appropriate for someone with some years of continuous sobriety, and recounted the hot flame metaphor from the BB.

my response would probably have been something about me not knowing what's right for other people, maybe-- but I'm on that kick lately. I heard someone share this a few weeks ago and I fuckin' loved it, essentially: "That dipshit in the corner might share about the dumbest fuckin' shit out there, he might have some cute way of introducing himself when he speaks, who knows. It's none of my fuckin' business if it keeps him sober". 

I definitely needed to hear that because that's the first thing that starts breaking down for me-- I start grading other people's homework in meetings. 

I'd say it's amazing someone fresh from detox with multiple relapses is telling someone with 8+ years "no here's how you should think and feel" but... it's not actually amazing at all. That is an unrecovered drunk to a T.