I'm An Alcoholic

[TwiceHorn 31472]

1 hour ago, SwanderedTalent said:

my response would probably have been something about me not knowing what's right for other people, maybe-- but I'm on that kick lately. I heard someone share this a few weeks ago and I fuckin' loved it, essentially: "That dipshit in the corner might share about the dumbest fuckin' shit out there, he might have some cute way of introducing himself when he speaks, who knows. It's none of my fuckin' business if it keeps him sober". 

I definitely needed to hear that because that's the first thing that starts breaking down for me-- I start grading other people's homework in meetings. 

I'd say it's amazing someone fresh from detox with multiple relapses is telling someone with 8+ years "no here's how you should think and feel" but... it's not actually amazing at all. That is an unrecovered drunk to a T.

The best sponsors, at least the ones effective for me, and the type I try to be, are the ones that, when you express some questionable thinking, don't bust out with "you're fulla shit," but instead are able to help you come to your own conclusion by asking a couple of questions.  Things like, "think you may be watering a resentment, there, pal?" or "how exactly do you intend to bring that about"? or "tell me exactly why you are making this your problem"?  Or a good one that's getting a little close to "you're fulla shit,"  "It must be exhausting minding everyone else's business in addition to your own."

It's pretty socratic, actually.

[BearSchlong 8095]

44 minutes ago, TwiceHorn said:

 Or a good one that's getting a little close to "you're fulla shit,"  "It must be exhausting minding everyone else's business in addition to your own."

This is awesome.

Personally, I need the cliff notes sometimes, I don't mind being told that I'm fulla shit by an old timer.  Some of my best moments of clarity have come from encounters like that.  Things like "sit down, shut up, turn to page 90 of the 12 and 12 and start reading about the spiritual axiom" from an old guy.

Happened well over 6 years ago but because I respected his program I recognized that it was a significant moment and that I should pay attention.  I'm so hard headed, egotistical, and dense that I need to be confronted.

One of my sponsees with 3 yrs had an ongoing infatuation with a female who we shall call Kryptonite.  A few years back we were talking on the phone and he was wailing about "her" and I point blank said "look, I'm busy and we're having the same conversation over and over again.  Since you seem to be addicted to pain why don't i just save us all some time and drive over and punch you in the nose?"  He still laughs about that, but he also said he's grateful for the clarity.

I've always had an appreciation for the dramatic.

When I agree to sponsor a guy I tell him I care more about his life than I do about his feelings.  Not to go all Chris Raymer but AA gets pussified sometimes, and we need to remember that relapse can mean death.

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

1 hour ago, TwiceHorn said:

The best sponsors, at least the ones effective for me, and the type I try to be, are the ones that, when you express some questionable thinking, don't bust out with "you're fulla shit,"

that's my current sponsor to a T-- almost anything I complain about comes back to "what do you think your role in that was?" or when I'm being obstinate, "can you think of a time where you ever acted like that?"

and I'm out of rep juice for the day, damnit

Edited September 11, 2019 by SwanderedTalent

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

9 minutes ago, BearSchlong said:

I don't mind being told that I'm fulla shit by an old timer. 

Indiana players used to say "ignore Knight when he's calling you an asshole but pay close attention when he's telling you WHY you're an asshole, that's how you learn and get better"

[Caddox 952]

Really hungover after a wedding. I had to leave an hour or so before it ended. Was too drunk and too tired to keep going. I started to feel like I got stuff under control, took a month off and it seemed to go pretty well. My wife was thrilled. I was very worried about this weekend though. I blew it. I was just too hungover on Saturday on the golf course and started drinking heavily. I lasted until 11 that night. I kept it all together in front of everyone and then stumbled trying to get to the shuttle in front of my wife. 

I've done this crap a million times, but it feels a lot more serious considering I was clearly worried and thinking about it and did it anyways. I am just sick of this. 

[Dewey 3286]

Be kind to yourself,  seems like you have the want to, so open your mind to other ideas on quitting the drink and see what happens 

[Genco 3040]

Been there. I strung 3 months together once. Started working out again, felt great. Back then I thought I could control it going forward. It didn't last.

That was a long time ago. I don't have any interest in bullshitting myself anymore and I really like being sober.

Stick around. There are some smart pissheads in this thread.

[Reagan1k 3024]

@Caddox   There is a solution and you can recover.  It's a matter of relying on something more than yourself and your own willpower.  Give it a spin.  You might find that it also takes care of the other things in your life that seem to squirt through your fingers when you try to apply sheer will to them and hold them in place.

For me, reliance on willpower was just a cruel joke I played on myself allowing me to fall more often and from higher points I though I had achieved.

Godspeed my friend.  You aren't alone.  

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

2 hours ago, Caddox said:

I am just sick of this. 

being sick of that life is a great place to start

it is possible to change

[BearSchlong 8095]

The whole surrender to win thing is hard to grasp until one's ass is thoroughly kicked.  It takes what it takes.  Being sick and tired of being sick and tired.

 

[Kennythetiger 9383]

Sometimes our mom told us the stove was hot and we still touched it anyway. I wouldn’t say you blew anything. You’re more knowledgeable about yourself now than you were a week ago. 

[JohnnyRage 1617]

3 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

Sometimes our mom told us the stove was hot and we still touched it anyway. I wouldn’t say you blew anything. You’re more knowledgeable about yourself now than you were a week ago. 

How many people out there have actually touched a glowing orange stove.? One of my earliest memories.

 

@Caddox congratulations on your 1 month, especially if life got better! Now maybe take a 2 month challenge. I know it's football season, but family is more important. One of my favorite sober moments was in person after the last TCU drubbing in Ft. Worth. Thank God I was sober.

And maybe catch a meeting or four, what's it going to hurt?

[Kennythetiger 9383]

By the way, I went to the Chicago Institute of Art two weeks ago.  Sons of bitches only had one Frederic Remington painting and zero- yes, you heard right- zero Charlie Russell.  Almost asked for my money back.

[El Diablo 4232]

Having a rough few days, sort of. I've known for some years that my eyesight was failing prematurely and it's gotten to the point that I am going to have to make some difficult decisions soon. I am going to outlive my eyesight. Doc says I've got from a few months to a couple of years before I will be blind, that the lights are going to go out completely. They have already in one eye and the "good" eye is failing rather quickly. I cannot imagine dealing with these sort of life changes if I were an active alcoholic. Ignoring them while active in my addiction is what led in no small part to my current predicament. Wish me luck!

[JohnnyRage 1617]

Good luck! We love you!

 

That would suck going through a brutal detox when your bottle was instead on the left-hand side the whole time.

Edited September 17, 2019 by JohnnyRage

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

Damn @El Diablo Really sorry to hear that. Hang in there, man. 

[Dewey 3286]

52 minutes ago, El Diablo said:

Having a rough few days, sort of. I've known for some years that my eyesight was failing prematurely and it's gotten to the point that I am going to have to make some difficult decisions soon. I am going to outlive my eyesight. Doc says I've got from a few months to a couple of years before I will be blind, that the lights are going to go out completely. They have already in one eye and the "good" eye is failing rather quickly. I cannot imagine dealing with these sort of life changes if I were an active alcoholic. Ignoring them while active in my addiction is what led in no small part to my current predicament. Wish me luck!

Instead you get to respond with a clear mind and a strong faith. All the best to you.

[TwiceHorn 31472]

16 minutes ago, Dewey said:

Instead you get to respond with a clear mind and a strong faith. All the best to you.

Yep, best wishes to you.

[El Diablo 4232]

Thanks all. I am sitting at home today, called in sick to work, trying to figure out how best to proceed. I *think* I want to exit the workforce as quickly as possible. It bothers me that I might spend the last few sighted years that I have sitting in a cubicle doing menial shit. Financially I am completely unprepared so options are limited and I really don't know where to turn for advice that I can trust is putting my long term well being as priority #1. Strange times indeed.

[hullabelew 3724]

38 minutes ago, El Diablo said:

Thanks all. I am sitting at home today, called in sick to work, trying to figure out how best to proceed. I *think* I want to exit the workforce as quickly as possible. It bothers me that I might spend the last few sighted years that I have sitting in a cubicle doing menial shit. Financially I am completely unprepared so options are limited and I really don't know where to turn for advice that I can trust is putting my long term well being as priority #1. Strange times indeed.

I know a guy who was in your exact same situation.  Macular Degeneration got him in his late 20s.  He found some government agency that deals with this.  I've lost track of him over the years but he ended up working with a job through this agency..he may even work for them.  I'll see what I can find out...maybe he has some ideas.  Also, post your details here.  You never know...someone may know of something.  

Age? Where do you live?  What do you do?  Married/kids?  Ability to move?  

[El Diablo 4232]

10 minutes ago, hullabelew said:

I know a guy who was in your exact same situation.  Macular Degeneration got him in his late 20s.  He found some government agency that deals with this.  I've lost track of him over the years but he ended up working with a job through this agency..he may even work for them.  I'll see what I can find out...maybe he has some ideas.  Also, post your details here.  You never know...someone may know of something.  

Age? Where do you live?  What do you do?  Married/kids?  Ability to move?  

The problem is glaucoma. I'm 59, live in Waco. Not married, been living a pretty isolated existence for an extended period. Much of that due to where my alcoholism took me and still now in part because of the blindness. It's just difficult to get out of my comfort zone. As I tell people when I turn down invitations to events that include lots of people "I would love to but I run into people I've never met before". I literally run into people. All the fucking time. Oof. 

I push papers at an insurance company. I have one kid, a son who lives a 13 or so hour drive away. Moving is probably out of the question as familiarity with my surroundings is pretty important. Adjusting to even small changes in my environment cause some angst. 

Put a patch over one eye and tape a toilet paper roll over the other so that you're looking thru the tube. Just moving my head around to view a monitor kind of gives me motion sickness. My visual acuity is pretty decent but the field of view is so narrow. Also have a cataract that they won't operate on because the surgery could potentially drive my eye pressure thru the roof, accelerating the demise of what optic nerve I do have left. 

[BearSchlong 8095]

God bless you, Diablo.

[Errestaurants 2570]

Much love and respect to you all. Probably the only thread that is real and shows some humanity on surly. 

Question. Those that have struggled in the past or currently was it all types of Alcohol-meaning no matter if it was beer, wine or liquor you felt the want/need to drink? Or was it say wine but could easily pass up any other alcoholic beverage no matter the circumstances. 

Thanks for the responses in advance. 

[El Diablo 4232]

15 minutes ago, BearSchlong said:

God bless you, Diablo.

Thanks, bud. We're all forced to face our mortality in different ways at different points in time in this journey. Can't run like we once did, can't hit a hanging curve ball anymore, whatever it might be. We're all getting older. And sometimes we're given moments of clarity that cause sheer terror, lol. 

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

21 minutes ago, Errestaurants said:

Much love and respect to you all. Probably the only thread that is real and shows some humanity on surly. 

Question. Those that have struggled in the past or currently was it all types of Alcohol-meaning no matter if it was beer, wine or liquor you felt the want/need to drink? Or was it say wine but could easily pass up any other alcoholic beverage no matter the circumstances. 

Thanks for the responses in advance. 

Everything. I loved getting drunk on everything. Some more than others and there are different kinds of drunks with different booze and different combos, but still loved all of them. I would switch around and didn't care. If I started with wine, I'd drink that for a while, have some whiskey, maybe a beer, back to wine, 6 quick beers, why not a margarita since it's right there in the blender. 

[TwiceHorn 31472]

 

12 minutes ago, BBQ2Bayou said:

Everything. I loved getting drunk on everything. Some more than others and there are different kinds of drunks with different booze and different combos, but still loved all of them. I would switch around and didn't care. If I started with wine, I'd drink that for a while, have some whiskey, maybe a beer, back to wine, 6 quick beers, why not a margarita since it's right there in the blender. 

And Scope, and Listerine, and Adams' Extract.🤬🤬

[El Diablo 4232]

Paid $20 for a bottle of dry Sherry once. Was at sea and bought it from one of the guys who worked in the galley. My beverage of choice has changed at various times thru my life, beer for a lot of years, cheap Canadian whiskey the last few years, but truth be told I'd take any port (wine) in a storm. 

[Reagan1k 3024]

I was picky.  It had to be a liquid.

 

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

Diablo, I'm really sorry to hear you're going through what you're going through. I don't know how I could help but I would like to. I will be thinking about you during quiet time. 

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

2 hours ago, Errestaurants said:

Question. Those that have struggled in the past or currently was it all types of Alcohol-meaning no matter if it was beer, wine or liquor you felt the want/need to drink? Or was it say wine but could easily pass up any other alcoholic beverage no matter the circumstances. 

It was always all types, but my evolution as a drinker was like this:

At 17 it was beer, as much as I could drink as often as I could drink it, because I was an underaged HS/college male and that's what cool underage HS/college guys did. I wasn't cool in any way shape or form, but I drank like a cool guy.

Then to show I was a REALLY cool and somewhat mature drinker, I added hard liquor to the rotation, but it was still mostly beer.

After a bad breakup in my late 20s, I discovered that I didn't need to drink hard liquor as a shot, or with a chaser. I liked drinking hard liquor. So it started being beer plus shots every night, unless I was angry or sad or happy and then it was heavier on the shots. 

At some point in my 30s, it was a couple beers to prime the pump around 4/5 PM, and then vodka. I did that until I started trying to get sober in 2015, and from then on, the relapses weren't a drink here a drink there oops I'm drunk, it was get that tongue and those teeth out of the way, I want that vodka in my bloodstream NOW. My last drink was 494 days ago but my last beer was probably in 2016 or 2017. I graduated!

The last half dozen drunks of my life, ranging from ten days to three weeks, it was straight vodka out of a plastic Traveler 24x7 unless i had one of those weird moments of near-sobriety and then I would drink some white wine to settle my stomach. I mean, nobody wants a beer at 5 in the.... is it morning or night? Well who cares, whichever, I just want to be inebriated to the point of unconsciousness anyway. 

I avoid it all now, just to be on the safe side.

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

I guess the point of that stupid post was, I was an alcoholic from my 20s on, whether I was getting loaded on beer, drinking a bunch of different stuff, or chugging Kamchatka. I just developed a tolerance that eventually made the addiction more painful and stopping harder, but at no point would it have been smart to say "hey it's only beer" etc.

[Errestaurants 2570]

I guess for me is that I'm in the restaurant business and I travel a lot around 200 days a year. Restaurant life + stress of the business +lots of hotels = lots of drinking. I can pass up beer and liquor no problem. When I'm home I can fairly easily not have any alcohol but put me in a hotel bar at 8 PM after a business dinner then its lots of wine consumption. 

Also on a Friday or Saturday night grilling out with family I can easily drink 3 bottles of wine myself. 

[El Diablo 4232]

For me it didn't matter what I drank or even how much I drank, it's always been about consequences. What happened when I DID drink. Now, bad things didn't happen every time I drank but every time bad things DID happen? I'd been drinking.

[MissingInAction 25077]

El Diablo, there are publically funded resources in Texas that provide incredible assistance. 

I would start here

https://twc.texas.gov/jobseekers/criss-cole-rehabilitation-center

I used to catch the bus in front of that facility every day and the people I waited with were just awesome folks.

[gasman 114]

Diablo, I hate that you are going through this. I wish I had something to offer besides my prayers. However, you will be in them as I discuss you with my Higher Power. My sponsor also has progressive vision loss. I am not sure he would have any suggestions, but I am willing to reach out to him if you would like. PM me if you are interested.  

Edited September 17, 2019 by gasman

[El Diablo 4232]

I think the biggest thing I'm facing immediately is the realization that I should not drive anymore. The daylight hours are getting shorter now and it's getting scarier and scarier just to navigate the 3/4 mile to and from work each day. I'd kinda like to go out on my own terms rather than have it be the result of an avoidable accident. It's just city streets and barely a 5 minute drive but it's been only thru the grace of God that I haven't been in or caused a wreck to this point. 

[Caddox 952]

Man there are some good folks in this thread. Thanks for the kind words. Talked to the wife. She's super pissed but very understanding. She's helping me make a plan. 

El Diablo good luck man. Thats really tough. 

[Kennythetiger 9383]

15 hours ago, Errestaurants said:

I guess for me is that I'm in the restaurant business and I travel a lot around 200 days a year. Restaurant life + stress of the business +lots of hotels = lots of drinking. I can pass up beer and liquor no problem. When I'm home I can fairly easily not have any alcohol but put me in a hotel bar at 8 PM after a business dinner then its lots of wine consumption. 

Also on a Friday or Saturday night grilling out with family I can easily drink 3 bottles of wine myself. 

What do your wife and business colleagues say, if anything?

[El Diablo 4232]

Had a little heart to heart with my Director at work this morning. We'll see.. (ironic?).

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

17 hours ago, Errestaurants said:

I guess for me is that I'm in the restaurant business and I travel a lot around 200 days a year. Restaurant life + stress of the business +lots of hotels = lots of drinking. I can pass up beer and liquor no problem. When I'm home I can fairly easily not have any alcohol but put me in a hotel bar at 8 PM after a business dinner then its lots of wine consumption. 

Also on a Friday or Saturday night grilling out with family I can easily drink 3 bottles of wine myself. 

I feel like I've heard or read a lot about this kind of thing, anecdotally, the past year-- e.g., "I'm a sommelier and I'm in recovery", that sort of thing. 

Drinking while traveling is great fun until it stops working. I remember flying home from Nashville once, the first time I flew at night, drinking beers on the plane with my work buds, thinking how awesome it was to be alive. Fast forward 18 years and I'm ghosting a luxury suite full of sales execs at Fenway to go back to my hotel room and drink cheap vodka by myself and wishing I were dead. I would say that's a sign of it being progressive, for sure.

[Reagan1k 3024]

32 minutes ago, SwanderedTalent said:

I feel like I've heard or read a lot about this kind of thing, anecdotally, the past year-- e.g., "I'm a sommelier and I'm in recovery", that sort of thing. 

Drinking while traveling is great fun until it stops working. I remember flying home from Nashville once, the first time I flew at night, drinking beers on the plane with my work buds, thinking how awesome it was to be alive. Fast forward 18 years and I'm ghosting a luxury suite full of sales execs at Fenway to go back to my hotel room and drink cheap vodka by myself and wishing I were dead. I would say that's a sign of it being progressive, for sure.

Uggggg.  I vividly remember gritting my teeth and forcing myself to moderate while out with clients or colleagues...then pretending to be the old guy who needs his sleep and being the 1st one to tap out for the night......so I could go back to my room and get hammered alone.  That was the worst.

Rinse and repeat.

[Augustus 3061]

On 9/7/2019 at 10:40 AM, BearSchlong said:

Last night I was at a bar and grill (very upscale place owned by a doctor here in Beaumont) for my mother in laws 70th birthday party. Ordered my usual club soda with lime.

Waitress brings the drinks and I take a small sip.

DAMMIT FUCK SHIT MOTHER FUCKER ITS MOSTLY VODKA.

After this happened the first time a few years back, I know not to swallow until I'm sure of the contents.

I jump up, run behind the bar, and spit it into the trash can. The bartender is looking at me like I'm nuts. I say I need water NOW and the bitch gives me attitude and takes her sweet time pouring out the drink and then getting me a new glass with water. I dont feel like explaining what happened so i just go back to my table.

My wife says there was a look on my face that she's never witnessed, like I was in excruciating pain and about to die.

I wanted to vomit. For about 5 minutes I felt nauseous. It's been 8 years and 8 months since I've tasted vodka. My gut was in a knot for about an hour.

My life flashed before my eyes. I recalled those hundreds of times years back sitting in my truck downing a pint of warm smirnoff.

It was a very physical reaction.

This makes a total of 4 times since I've gotten sober that I had to spit stuff because booze. 2 desserts, 2 drinks. Last time was at a casino where I had ordered a diet coke and it came as a jack and coke. That waitress almost cried because her own mom is a sober alcoholic.

Anyway, people like us have to be careful out there.

Also people in bars are still obnoxious as hell. I guess I was too back in the day.

Pretty sure I've told this story here.  Was in a sports bar in San Diego to watch A&M's first game of this season couple of years ago.

Ordered a root beer, my favorite soft drink.  Waitress brings me a bottle of something I'd never heard of--"Not your Mother's Root Beer."  

I took a drink, swallowed, and before it got halfway down my throat, alarm bells go off.  

Poor bartender got an earfull.  Man, I was angry.  The little alcohol molecules got to my brain fast, but I thank God there apparently wasn't enough of them to trigger any kind of craving.  But my whole body responded to the alcohol with a sort of, "Oh wow, been a while since we did this."

And then UCLA came back from 34 points down in the 2nd half to beat us.  

Not the best afternoon I ever spent.

[Augustus 3061]

17 hours ago, MissingInAction said:

El Diablo, there are publically funded resources in Texas that provide incredible assistance. 

I would start here

https://twc.texas.gov/jobseekers/criss-cole-rehabilitation-center

I used to catch the bus in front of that facility every day and the people I waited with were just awesome folks.

Good stuff.

Diablo, I have a friend who is blind, and works for the Texas Commission for the Blind.  She's an encyclopedia of info when it comes to resources.  Get my number from Bear Schlong and text me if you want me to put you in touch with her.

[MissingInAction 25077]

I would also like to add that those folks were always having a good time. You could tell they built some lifleong bonds during their rehab. They were always chatting about their plans for the evening and weekends. Their dating lives.

Frankly convinced me thats where I will go were I to suffer any kind of vision impairment.

[Kennythetiger 9383]

1 hour ago, Augustus said:

Pretty sure I've told this story here.  Was in a sports bar in San Diego to watch A&M's first game of this season couple of years ago.

Ordered a root beer, my favorite soft drink.  Waitress brings me a bottle of something I'd never heard of--"Not your Mother's Root Beer."  

I took a drink, swallowed, and before it got halfway down my throat, alarm bells go off.  

Poor bartender got an earfull.  Man, I was angry.  The little alcohol molecules got to my brain fast, but I thank God there apparently wasn't enough of them to trigger any kind of craving.  But my whole body responded to the alcohol with a sort of, "Oh wow, been a while since we did this."

And then UCLA came back from 34 points down in the 2nd half to beat us.  

Not the best afternoon I ever spent.

Now you've got me thinking about an ice cold cream soda.  Man I bet it's been years since I've had one.  

[Errestaurants 2570]

4 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

What do your wife and business colleagues say, if anything?

Of course my wife gets worried especially when I'm out on the road ( not driving but general travel) my workmates all enjoy themselves also. I generally don't get hammered at dinner. It's going back to the hotel where I'm alone.

[BearSchlong 8095]

Check your PMs Diablo. . .

[Dertyberd 394]

Avatar checks out.  

I'll never forget driving into the office one morning and hearing on the radio that celebrity "X" was 68 years old that day and a fully functioning alcoholic.  I thought to myself, hell yeah, thats going to be me.  It actually made me feel kind of badass knowing that it is possible and I would be that guy who was so smart and brilliant that folks wouldn't mind me being "half drunk"/drunk all the time.  That lasted about a year and I could no longer do my job effectively and people grew sad for me.  It sucked, but those consequences led me to take a look at myself and realize I had to find a different way of life.  

Only you can know if you're an alcoholic or not.  Once you know, only you can decide if you want to surrender to help or keep trucking along praying the wheels don't fall off.  Some folks do make it through life somehow and they've got all the luck.  Most don't, or they "live" a miserable existence of constant worry.  

I've found it truly is a series of choices we make and circumstances we live in.  Much love.  Godspeed.  

Edited September 18, 2019 by Dertyberd

[Kennythetiger 9383]

1 hour ago, Errestaurants said:

Of course my wife gets worried especially when I'm out on the road ( not driving but general travel) my workmates all enjoy themselves also. I generally don't get hammered at dinner. It's going back to the hotel where I'm alone.

Gotcha.  Like Derty said, only you will really know.  I had asked about wife/colleagues to see if any of them had said anything to you to let you know that maybe your concern was not just yours alone, but was shared by those close to you as well.

[BearSchlong 8095]

On 9/17/2019 at 2:17 PM, Errestaurants said:

Much love and respect to you all. Probably the only thread that is real and shows some humanity on surly. 

Question. Those that have struggled in the past or currently was it all types of Alcohol-meaning no matter if it was beer, wine or liquor you felt the want/need to drink? Or was it say wine but could easily pass up any other alcoholic beverage no matter the circumstances. 

Thanks for the responses in advance. 

For me personally, I never discriminated.  My first choice was always Scotch Whisky, followed by beer and then wine.

1995-2011 I couldn't imagine prolonged abstinence.  Something happened (ouch) and my perspective on the matter dramatically shifted because I became fearful of what would end up happening if I continued to drink with gusto.  I'm in the camp that I never actually attempted to control or moderate my drinking, but completely stopped drinking because I knew controlled drinking would be a folly.  I simply came from the factory without the appropriate governor, I'm either "on" or "off."

Once separated from alcohol I was faced with a whole new set of questions.  Why was I uncomfortable in social environments without appropriate "pre-gaming" (half pint of vodka or 4-5 shower beers before even going out, anyone?) Why did I insist on "inspiring" my friends go hard every time we drank?  Why did I continue to drink throughout the evening while everyone else either went home or passed out early.  Why did I try to conceal my drinking?  Why did I drink alone?  Why was I dangerously antisocial on an increasing basis?  Why did I get in my car and drive when I was barely conscious?  Why did I neglect my wife and precious children, instead focusing on chemicals to change the way that I felt? Ad nauseum. . .

The answer became crystal clear - Oh shit, I'm alcoholic!  Normal average temperate drinkers have ZERO PROBLEM not drinking! Imagine that! If it's available, great. If not, that's great too.  Unfathomable!

Watching average people drink has become my spectator sport.  Wife orders a beer, drinks half of it over the course of AN HOUR (??????WTF?????) and leaves it.  Brother in law has 2 normal sized cocktails with dinner.  I offer to drive our families home in case he wants a 3rd, he declines, says he doesn't want anymore.  Going to winery/brewery tasting rooms with wife/family while on vacation - people actually try to taste the wine/beer and earnestly discuss it's characteristics with the server.

All that shit was just noise to me, I needed to scramble up the hill of inebriation and stay there as long as I could.

Hope that helps, @Errestaurants.  My stepbro is VP of a large beer distributor and his entire professional and social life revolves around alcohol - but he most decidedly does NOT have the phenomenon of craving.