I'm An Alcoholic

[El Diablo 4232]

So my Director had a talk with HR about my situation and they called me in late this afternoon to have a chat. Not sure yet how it's all going to play out or on what timeline but it seems that they may be amenable to retiring my number early. First order of business is to get transportation squared away but I'm hopeful that we can get that done soon.

[MaybeACoordinator 8349]

9 hours ago, SwanderedTalent said:

I feel like I've heard or read a lot about this kind of thing, anecdotally, the past year-- e.g., "I'm a sommelier and I'm in recovery", that sort of thing. 

 

I know two guys like this right now -- a certified wine expert and a 20-year booze salesman. One of them is greenish yellow -- the salesman -- and seems likely to live a while longer, and might not need a transplant. The wine expert is mustard yellow and looks like he is eight months pregnant thanks to all the fluids in his belly. I will be surprised if he lives a year, even if that year is booze-free. I am no doctor but I run into this guy pretty often and he looks worse every time I see him. I tell ya, it's literally sobering seeing the grisly effects of long-term hardcore boozing like that. 

[JohnnyRage 1617]

@El Diablowhat about Uber? Fuck Uber, but what about Uber or Lyft or whatever?

(actually I have no apps or frame of reference except for being pro-labor)

What if the powers of Shaggy had a small fundraiser to help with the cost of not driving yourself to work? What if this helped with prolonging retirement or with bills?

I've got 5 on it.

[El Diablo 4232]

5 hours ago, JohnnyRage said:

@El Diablowhat about Uber? Fuck Uber, but what about Uber or Lyft or whatever?

(actually I have no apps or frame of reference except for being pro-labor)

What if the powers of Shaggy had a small fundraiser to help with the cost of not driving yourself to work? What if this helped with prolonging retirement or with bills?

I've got 5 on it.

The plan is to go with Uber today but I'll be looking into other options. I appreciate the offer but I think the power of Surly could be better utilized elsewhere. Maybe a wreath for someone with fake cancer, or a billboard in Gainesville, a plane with a banner, some cheap bumper stickers. Things like that. I'm taking this afternoon off from work and tomorrow morning as well to see some people about options. 

And don't curse Uber, they've made transportation options available where they didn't exist just a couple of years ago. Until they came to town we had TWO taxis in this one horse town. Not companies, TAXIS. It could take an hour and a half to get a ride if they were "busy".

[Reagan1k 3024]

12 minutes ago, BearSchlong said:

Watching average people drink has become my spectator sport.  Wife orders a beer, drinks half of it over the course of AN HOUR (??????WTF?????) and leaves it.  Brother in law has 2 normal sized cocktails with dinner.  I offer to drive our families home in case he wants a 3rd, he declines, says he doesn't want anymore.  Going to winery/brewery tasting rooms with wife/family while on vacation - people actually try to taste the wine/beer and earnestly discuss it's characteristics with the server.

Same with me.  I know I'm insane when it comes to alcohol because I think my wife is insane as a normal drinker.  She's a health nut and in great shape (no pics assholes).  She'll allow herself a couple of drinks on Friday evening and maybe another one on Saturday.....maybe...if it fits in her daily macros.

Not uncommon for her to pour out a 1/4 of a bottle of rose or prosecco at 8pm on a Saturday night because she's had all she wants for the weekend.  Drives me nuts.  Number one, who can nurse one bottle of wine for 48 hours and still not finish it, and number two, how can you throw away perfectly good alcohol.

I think I've said it before...once that sense of neutrality hits with recovery, comparing and contrasting myself to a normal drinker is a healthy (and humorous) way for me to be reminded I'm mentally and physically different.  It keeps me from the delusional thinking that I can enjoy one of anything......never did and never will.

 

[Genco 3041]

1 hour ago, Reagan1k said:

and number two, how can you throw away perfectly good alcohol.

 

Many many "fresh start weeks" were postponed because I had half a bottle of scotch left over by Monday morning. There were thirsty people somewhere that my conscience wouldn't let me forget about.

[El Diablo 4232]

3 hours ago, El Diablo said:

The plan is to go with Uber today but I'll be looking into other options. I appreciate the offer but I think the power of Surly could be better utilized elsewhere. Maybe a wreath for someone with fake cancer, or a billboard in Gainesville, a plane with a banner, some cheap bumper stickers. Things like that. I'm taking this afternoon off from work and tomorrow morning as well to see some people about options. 

And don't curse Uber, they've made transportation options available where they didn't exist just a couple of years ago. Until they came to town we had TWO taxis in this one horse town. Not companies, TAXIS. It could take an hour and a half to get a ride if they were "busy".

Well fuck Uber! Ended up having to call my boss to come get me. First time I've ever tried to use Uber and gotten the message "All cars are presently full, please try again soon". Asshole of the universe, Waco is.

[Kennythetiger 9389]

You need a driver, like the Lincoln Lawyer had.  Come to think of it, so do I.

[Augustus 3061]

3 hours ago, thestud said:

Well, I’m here again. We’ve had several relapses in the last month or so. In fact, I honestly don’t know if the are relapse(s) because I doubt whether he actually got sober in between these hiccups that have forced him to miss work.

I’m trying to follow the advice of Schlong and everyone else here and let him have enough rope to feel the consequences of his actions. This is tough. I’m pretty sure we are getting to the end of the road in regards to his employment and/or his life. If you’re the praying kind, I’d appreciate it.

Have you set a bottom line with this guy, as in, "Get into rehab/AA, get sober and stay that way, or we're done. No more chances?"

The reason I ask is because if he's getting one reprieve after another at work, you're just teaching him that he doesn't have to change in order to keep his job.

 

 

[MissingInAction 25106]

3 hours ago, El Diablo said:

Well fuck Uber! Ended up having to call my boss to come get me. First time I've ever tried to use Uber and gotten the message "All cars are presently full, please try again soon". Asshole of the universe, Waco is.

Interesting. I got the same reply when I texted South Austins mom last night.

[Augustus 3061]

Emotionally, alcoholics in our cups are children, and grossly immature children at that.

Only intolerable external circumstances can finally compel the willingness in us to get help.  We're never gonna be able to just do a pro/con list, or a cost/benefit analysis and simply conclude we'd be better off getting sober and then dive into making that happen.

"Circumstances made him willing..." -AA Big Book.

We're unable to change until that happens.

This why I'm asking if you've drawn a line in the sand.  Trying to be patient and give him every opportunity, past a certain point, simply becomes enabling, no matter how well intentioned.

  

Edited September 19, 2019 by Augustus

[Reagan1k 3024]

Agreed - It feels weird, but for someone who has been there.......to pray for a still suffering one to finally get it basically means praying for something bad enough to happen to create the surrender and also simultaneously praying  that there are no casualties because of it.

Left to our own devices with any ace still left in the hole, we won't get it.  It takes what Augustus said.....

I do pray for the those like us still suffering and will do so for your pal.  

[Augustus 3061]

28 minutes ago, thestud said:

I drew the line in the sand over a month ago. Myself and a couple other friends told him we were done helping hide his problem; that we’ll gladly help him get sober but we’re done shielding him from the consequences of his actions because he doesn’t seem to give a shit. I thought it went well but a few weeks later he started with the same shit again. He’s supposedly contacted the center he was at last fall and is in the process of being approved to come back either this evening or tomorrow. I don’t know whether to believe him or not, but if he’s not on a plane in the near day or two that will tell me all I need to know.

Glad to hear, for his sake.

God Bless

[Augustus 3061]

8 minutes ago, Reagan1k said:

I do pray for the those like us still suffering and will do so for your pal.  

It's the most confounding mystery to me in my life.

Why do a precious few of us experience the gift of desperation and resulting willingness to go to any lengths, while so many suffer just as much or worse, yet never experience that surrender?

The statistics are so depressing.  For almost all of us, addiction is a death sentence, and it's a sentence that usually carries decades of abject suffering with it before we finally check out.

I know I'll never know the answer, at least not in this life.  But I can't help having moments of frustration and even anger when reflecting on it.

Serenity Prayer and faith that the universe knows what it's doing better than I are my only resources in my effort to accept it.

[El Diablo 4232]

About 10 years ago one of my best friends took his own life because the cops were at the door and he was determined that he was NOT going to go back to jail. He'd been on probation and repeatedly got caught drinking during surprise home visits by the probation officer. Cops showed up, he went in the bathroom, sat on the toilet, put his shotgun to his head and ended his misery that way. 

There are people who seem to be wired such that they either cannot or will not do what must be done to recover. I'm hoping for the best with your friend @thestud , I really am. I know I miss my friend. 

[Reagan1k 3024]

Augustus - all I think I know is that it appears to be whether or not the wrapper of "my case is different" can be pierced.

As far as my limited experience goes, that's the one thread that appears to be consistent through it all.....my case is different.

Chuck and Clancy did a lot on that point in their old talks and it seems to hold true with those I've encountered who seem to be right there....but can't nudge forward that last scintilla of an inch to the surrender that would save their life.

[El Diablo 4232]

11 minutes ago, Augustus said:

It's the most confounding mystery to me in my life.

Why do a precious few of us experience the gift of desperation and resulting willingness to go to any lengths, while so many suffer just as much or worse, yet never experience that surrender?

The statistics are so depressing.  For almost all of us, addiction is a death sentence, and it's a sentence that usually carries decades of abject suffering with it before we finally check out.

I know I'll never know the answer, at least not in this life.  But I can't help having moments of frustration and even anger when reflecting on it.

Serenity Prayer and faith that the universe knows what it's doing better than I are my only resources in my effort to accept it.

I started to post something along these exact same lines and then just decided to post my friends story. But so much THIS^^.  No rhyme or reason that I can discern for why me and not others.

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

On 9/19/2019 at 2:23 PM, thestud said:

I drew the line in the sand over a month ago.

draw it in the wet concrete and let it dry, sometimes that's the only way we (alcoholics) learn-- God speed, will pray for you and your friend

[MaybeACoordinator 8349]

is it okay if my sponsor is aggy?

 

jokingnotjoking

 

I know the program is a great leveler of mankind, but there are limits, are there not?

[Kennythetiger 9389]

Be patient with him. Next year is their year. 

[El Diablo 4232]

HE DIDN'T GET SOBER, HE JUST RAN OUT OF BOOZE!!

[Homercles 10206]

I posted this in the Auburn thread but I was texting my BiL yesterday and my phone autocorrected ‘aggy’ to ‘gay’...thought that was fitting and hilarious.  

[hundredTT 578]

Just checking in gents to say still fucking up. I'm supposed to have a ,meeting to plead for my job tomorrow morning, and decided to not even go. I'm checked out and gonna be drinking all night even more anyways. Don't know how I'l afford life anymore, but I've lost about all my support anyways from  family at this point  and my fiancee who im now single from. Rock bottom may not be much further. Not to sounds like a pity party, not dead though so got that going for me. I know the road can definitely get off track compeltely here, I've seen so many examples of this shit, and I've fucking fallen into the exact  same trap. It's like I have moments of clarity and know what to do, then say "alright, lets have one last drink/celebrate this new great plan" and I end up with nothing but wanting more booze. This time there's nothing left to turn to, to give me that boost. I feel like I've pushed the envelope so much, everyone just sees a failure fuckup. What a shitty fucking feeling. I used to think I never cared what family thought of me, and my finacee was oblivious....and I was a functional alcoholic. What a delusion I was living. 

Edited September 24, 2019 by hundredTT

[Genco 3041]

Your bottom is whenever you decide to quit digging. There is a solution.

• Go to a meeting
• When the meeting chair asks if anyone is there for their first, second, or third meeting, raise your hand
• Listen
• See if you can relate to anyone's story in the room
• Talk to people after the meeting
• Go to another meeting

You don't have to feel this way ever again.

[MaybeACoordinator 8349]

6 hours ago, hundredTT said:

Just checking in gents to say still fucking up. I'm supposed to have a ,meeting to plead for my job tomorrow morning, and decided to not even go. I'm checked out and gonna be drinking all night even more anyways. Don't know how I'l afford life anymore, but I've lost about all my support anyways from  family at this point  and my fiancee who im now single from. Rock bottom may not be much further. Not to sounds like a pity party, not dead though so got that going for me. I know the road can definitely get off track compeltely here, I've seen so many examples of this shit, and I've fucking fallen into the exact  same trap. It's like I have moments of clarity and know what to do, then say "alright, lets have one last drink/celebrate this new great plan" and I end up with nothing but wanting more booze. This time there's nothing left to turn to, to give me that boost. I feel like I've pushed the envelope so much, everyone just sees a failure fuckup. What a shitty fucking feeling. I used to think I never cared what family thought of me, and my finacee was oblivious....and I was a functional alcoholic. What a delusion I was living. 

My suggestion is that you find a detox even before you start looking at meetings. It looks to me like you have lost the ability to taper off on your own, as I have also done in recent years, and that you find yourself alone for the moment. Detoxing under medical supervision will clear your mind and give you reprieve enough to take in some meetings and assess your situation with a clearer mind. 

[MaybeACoordinator 8349]

If you are in Houston, I will take you to a detox. If you are elsewhere I will help you find one. 

[hullabelew 3724]

23 minutes ago, MaybeACoordinator said:

My suggestion is that you find a detox even before you start looking at meetings. It looks to me like you have lost the ability to taper off on your own, as I have also done in recent years, and that you find yourself alone for the moment. Detoxing under medical supervision will clear your mind and give you reprieve enough to take in some meetings and assess your situation with a clearer mind. 

This right hear.  I didn't think I needed to go through detox but when I checked in to rehab, they put me through it.  I was there for 3 nights and honestly, I remember very little about those days.  Another guy and I went through it together (he and I are now best friends and I have no doubt we knew each other in a previous life) and we sat down later and tried to piece together the days and it is mostly blank for both of use.  Clearing your mind and body of all of the chemicals and shitty thoughts is vital...or it was for me.  Like I mentioned before, I had tried in the past but when I realized I couldn't do it on my own, I just completely gave up.  It was completely freeing.  I actually felt the weight come off and out of me when I drove under the arches to the rehab facility.  

Best of luck 100TT.  We've all been there and are routing for you.  

[Dewey 3286]

6 hours ago, hundredTT said:

Just checking in gents to say still fucking up. I'm supposed to have a ,meeting to plead for my job tomorrow morning, and decided to not even go. I'm checked out and gonna be drinking all night even more anyways. Don't know how I'l afford life anymore, but I've lost about all my support anyways from  family at this point  and my fiancee who im now single from. Rock bottom may not be much further. Not to sounds like a pity party, not dead though so got that going for me. I know the road can definitely get off track compeltely here, I've seen so many examples of this shit, and I've fucking fallen into the exact  same trap. It's like I have moments of clarity and know what to do, then say "alright, lets have one last drink/celebrate this new great plan" and I end up with nothing but wanting more booze. This time there's nothing left to turn to, to give me that boost. I feel like I've pushed the envelope so much, everyone just sees a failure fuckup. What a shitty fucking feeling. I used to think I never cared what family thought of me, and my finacee was oblivious....and I was a functional alcoholic. What a delusion I was living. 

I feel your struggle, we all do. I think it's time you give up and get some help. Once my wife left me i went on tear that almost left me dead. I was a "lost cause", no one wanted anything to do with me except for an old man who to this day cant piece more than 9 month of sobriety together, he finally got me into treatment and I finally listened to others. I'm extremely grateful to that old man, I'll do just about anything for him. 

[TwiceHorn 31495]

It seems that your objections to treatment of a month ago have been efficiently removed by the disease.  What else do you have to lose?

[JohnnyRage 1617]

Quickly call work back and tell them that you are dying from alcohol and that you please need help.

 

Even if you don't want to keep the job.

Edited September 24, 2019 by JohnnyRage

[Reagan1k 3024]

@hundredTT    Hey man, this isn't about drinking or not drinking anymore.  This is about whether you are going to live or die.

Just give it a try.  Take one step and you'll be out of this cyclone.  That one step is to get some medical attention.

The rest will fall into place in due time.

Grace is there for you....its there for everyone who chooses to accept it.

[gasman 114]

I’ll echo the comments above. Call your company HR department today. Tell them you are an alcoholic and need to get into detox. They will take it from there. You will be surprised how many people are willing and able to extend a hand if you just set your pride aside enough to ask for help. 

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

9 hours ago, hundredTT said:

Just checking in gents to say still fucking up. I'm supposed to have a ,meeting to plead for my job tomorrow morning, and decided to not even go. I'm checked out and gonna be drinking all night even more anyways. Don't know how I'l afford life anymore, but I've lost about all my support anyways from  family at this point  and my fiancee who im now single from. Rock bottom may not be much further. Not to sounds like a pity party, not dead though so got that going for me. I know the road can definitely get off track compeltely here, I've seen so many examples of this shit, and I've fucking fallen into the exact  same trap. It's like I have moments of clarity and know what to do, then say "alright, lets have one last drink/celebrate this new great plan" and I end up with nothing but wanting more booze. This time there's nothing left to turn to, to give me that boost. I feel like I've pushed the envelope so much, everyone just sees a failure fuckup. What a shitty fucking feeling. I used to think I never cared what family thought of me, and my finacee was oblivious....and I was a functional alcoholic. What a delusion I was living. 

Hundred, don't spend a minute worrying about how you are going to preserve anything you want to hold onto right now. Don't make this conditional-- it's life, or death. Choose life for now, get some emergency help, and you can worry about how your life is shaped once it's saved.

Your disease will do everything it can to tell you that quitting is only worth it if you're going to get everything you want, and you won't be able to, so why quit. That is total horseshit. 

[BearSchlong 8098]

@hundredTT god bless you buddy. . .

Time to let the merry go round that you're clinging on for dear life to just fling you off to land wherever you may - I got news for you buddy, if you just let go and call HR or a sober alcoholic and say the 3 hardest words in the English language. . ."I need help" - you will be amazed at the ensuing miracle.

I was like this fish. . .and when I quit flopping and accepted that if I stopped fighting then I would be returned to oxygen rich waters. . .if and only if I surrendered myself to God's will and stayed surrendered. . .then I was given a life worth living.

 

All anyone in your life wants is for you to be sober, safe, and sane.  Period.  You're not a fuck up, you're just a very sick man.  You're just a human being, like the rest of us.

The happiest day in my life was when I had exactly enough money in my pocket to get a hamburger and enough gas to get to an AA meeting.  Everything else was in God's hands.

Edited September 24, 2019 by BearSchlong

[Reagan1k 3024]

56 minutes ago, gasman said:

I’ll echo the comments above. Call your company HR department today. Tell them you are an alcoholic and need to get into detox. They will take it from there. You will be surprised how many people are willing and able to extend a hand if you just set your pride aside enough to ask for help. 

I second (or third) this motion.  

Getting some medical intervention is vital at this point and if there is any HR dept. to call or even your Employee Assistance hotline via your company sponsored health insurance...Use it ASAP.  

Both are there for this reason.  You aren't putting anyone out.....its their job to help you and they want to help you. 

If there is no HR or E.A. plan, get to a hospital or family doctor and tell them you need medical detox.

Everyone who you think sees you as a "failure fuckup" simply wants you to ask for help. 

This is a disease of perception and if you are like me, your perception is what's fucked up.

That phone weighs 500 lbs but relief is the reward for the effort made to pick it up.

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

28 minutes ago, Reagan1k said:

 

Both are there for this reason.  You aren't putting anyone out.....its their job to help you and they want to help you. 

even the people you're meeting with at work re: your job-- I guarantee none of them are like "oh boy, now we get to fire Larry!"

it's hard to believe in the moment, and you don't have to see it right now, but those people would much rather see you not die first and foremost and let everything else fall into place after that, whether it's continued long-term employment or you going your own way or who knows? you don't have to have that figured out today.

You don't really have any control over the outcomes anyway, so you might as well do the healthy thing so you can, y'know, live.

[Reagan1k 3024]

For most alcoholics still active in their drinking, the mere fact that one hasn't been fired yet would show that your employer and co-workers actually want you around.

We'd have long since provided sufficient evidence if there was an actual vendetta against us.

Perception vs. Reality...

They hate me and want to fire me vs. my God they've put up with my shit for so long, they must care and want to see me succeed at work and life.

 

[J.R. 150]

Not to gloat, but just to point out the progressive nature of this thing:

 

This was about a month ago from hundredtt:

Quote

I do appreciate all the insight. If I go into a program, it will ruin my career, family and relationship. Not trying to sound like the douche who thinks he knows everything, but I’ve done it once before, gonna go solo again. Of course I’m willing to check in  anywhere at a moments glance, but at this time there’s no way I could do a program or something and not lose everything

 

[TwiceHorn 31495]

In a month. One month. This disease is something else.

[BearSchlong 8098]

That's chilling.

My pride and ego will kill me.  Best down and dirty explanation I've ever heard of the 1st step - "My brain would have killed my body long ago, except it needed it for transportation."

@hundredTT any updates?

This past weekend was daddy/daughter weekend for the sororities at Mizzou.  I spent Friday night and all Saturday afternoon in college bars with my daughter and her friends and their dads, then Sunday on the Golf Course.  Had a bunch of people push alcohol my way but I enjoyed my club soda (no mishaps!!) and calmly explained that I appreciate the gesture, but I'm one of those recovered alcoholics.  And I had more fun than anyone at the Piano bar, singing and dancing.

I called my daughter on Monday and the first words out of her mouth were "Dad, I'm so glad you don't drink!!!" - seems as though some of the other dad's embarrassed their daughters.  I know of one dad that passed out at a bar, another that got thrown out of the bar for fighting with the bartender.  I watched my precious snowflake drink like a normal average temperate drinker.  I'm so glad she doesn't drink like I did when I was in college.  I've explained the phenomenon of craving to her and it's funny when she tries to identify friends that seem likely to have that particular reaction to alcohol.

I'm extremely grateful that my daughter does not have to explain to her friends that her daddy died in a wreck, or went to prison, or died from organ failure. . .

[Reagan1k 3024]

10 minutes ago, TwiceHorn said:

In a month. One month. This disease is something else.

I don't have any tattoos but I might consider that line as a reminder....inside my right forearm so I can see it if I ever wanted to exercise my elbow. 

[Kennythetiger 9389]

16 minutes ago, BearSchlong said:

That's chilling.

My pride and ego will kill me.  Best down and dirty explanation I've ever heard of the 1st step - "My brain would have killed my body long ago, except it needed it for transportation."

@hundredTT any updates?

This past weekend was daddy/daughter weekend for the sororities at Mizzou.  I spent Friday night and all Saturday afternoon in college bars with my daughter and her friends and their dads, then Sunday on the Golf Course.  Had a bunch of people push alcohol my way but I enjoyed my club soda (no mishaps!!) and calmly explained that I appreciate the gesture, but I'm one of those recovered alcoholics.  And I had more fun than anyone at the Piano bar, singing and dancing.

I called my daughter on Monday and the first words out of her mouth were "Dad, I'm so glad you don't drink!!!" - seems as though some of the other dad's embarrassed their daughters.  I know of one dad that passed out at a bar, another that got thrown out of the bar for fighting with the bartender.  I watched my precious snowflake drink like a normal average temperate drinker.  I'm so glad she doesn't drink like I did when I was in college.  I've explained the phenomenon of craving to her and it's funny when she tries to identify friends that seem likely to have that particular reaction to alcohol.

I'm extremely grateful that my daughter does not have to explain to her friends that her daddy died in a wreck, or went to prison, or died from organ failure. . .

College-aged daughter, you say?  With friends?  Has she met me yet??

59 minutes ago, J.R. said:

Not to gloat, but just to point out the progressive nature of this thing:

 

This was about a month ago from hundredtt:

 

Often some of the "new guys" post on here asking for advice, and over and over I think to myself that it's not us helping them so much as it's them helping us.

  @hundredTT, I hope that you will choose to continue posting here, even if you're not sober.  Believe me, no one on here cares nearly as much if you're drinking or not, so much as we just know you're still alive.  

[Celery Man 20966]

Hey man, everything that everyone said is spot on. If you’re feeling... I’m not shitting on you I’m thinking back to my own experience - if you’re feeling too proud to grasp for that help, let me tell you that that pride is bullshit and it’ll deprive you of the opportunity to feel pride, joy, love, happiness, mirth, all that good shit that seems permanently dead to you right now. It’s not dead, your brain is fucked up and you’re suffering from a disease that is making it impossible for you to fix it on your own. You can get all of that stuff back, you can come back firing on all cylinders, you can reclaim love and life, you can get back to a place where pride comes from contributing to the life in and around you. That false pride of hiding where you’re at or admitting your weakness will put you in the ground. Most of us here have been there, I certainly have. Let us know how it’s going.

[Dewey 3286]

Amen to that, educate yourself on what alcohol does to your mind, where your cravings come from and fucked up thoughts. See what alcohol does to the body. It wasnt until I heard the words "alcoholic mind" over and over again that I did a Google search, and after that, every time I had craving or fucked up thoughts, I knew my mind wasnt heeled yet and I'd cool out to the understanding that things were getting better, I just have to stay done with alcohol.

 

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

500 days down. Literally, the last time I had 500 days without a drink would been sometime in my childhood. I've done enough of what they told me to do for 500 days in a row and it's worked. It hasn't always been easy but it's always been manageable, since the management takes place at the level of the God of my understanding rather than in my own brain. I owe my sponsor a gratitude list and while I didn't really want to be awake at 3:20 in the morning working on it (sick as a dog and can't sleep), I'm grateful that I'm alive in this nice, quiet house with my wife and daughter sleeping, about to sit down with a cup of coffee and make a list of the things that make me smile. 

I would not be here today without the grace of God and without Alcoholics Anonymous. And for THAT, I am grateful. 

[El Diablo 4232]

Quick update to my existential meltdown last week. Poster on here got me in touch with a friend at a state agency who can help with low vision/blindness. That person got my info to a local state worker. Been taking Uber to work and co-worker giving me rides home. Employer sent me some ADA paperwork in case I need it for any equipment/accommodations at work. No booze, much gratitude.

[TwiceHorn 31495]

This is a great page.  Some sadness, but a lot of hope and great gobs of wisdom.

I'm out of rep.

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

1 hour ago, El Diablo said:

Quick update to my existential meltdown last week. Poster on here got me in touch with a friend at a state agency who can help with low vision/blindness. That person got my info to a local state worker. Been taking Uber to work and co-worker giving me rides home. Employer sent me some ADA paperwork in case I need it for any equipment/accommodations at work. No booze, much gratitude.

glad to hear that Diablo, and know you've got people willing to help in your network of Surly weirdos

[BearSchlong 8098]

1 hour ago, El Diablo said:

Quick update to my existential meltdown last week. Poster on here got me in touch with a friend at a state agency who can help with low vision/blindness. That person got my info to a local state worker. Been taking Uber to work and co-worker giving me rides home. Employer sent me some ADA paperwork in case I need it for any equipment/accommodations at work. No booze, much gratitude.

Good to hear, friend.

[BearSchlong 8098]

The other day I was meditating on powerlessness and here's what that look likes for me.

I'm a small child, about 4 years old.  I am playing in the kitchen with pots and pans and I discover something really dangerous on the floor.  Maybe a gun, butcher knife, vial of cyanide, whatever, the point is that even in my 4 year old mind I know that it's something deadly.  I also have enough snap to know that I am 100% unqualified to touch that item, that I need to find someone qualified. I go and get my father, who was my God when I was 4 and tell him hey I need you to pick this up and put it somewhere safe.  He does, pats me on the head, and I go back to playing with the pots and pans.

I wasn't able to successfully string together days of sobriety until I was convinced that I was completely unqualified to handle booze.  I'm not sure why I insist on the conception of being unqualified, but my sponsor and I have reached a consensus that because it works for me, that we'll use unqualified as a synonym for powerless.  Also assuming that unqualified is a permanent state, that I can't ever become qualified.  Symantecs.

Just another day turning it all over to God and refraining from trying to take it back.