I'm An Alcoholic

[ztejas 43414]

God, grant me the serentiy to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

My name is Zach and I'm an alcoholic.

I've posted some stories here before - including about multiple PI arrests and totalling my car drunk a couple of years ago. None of those stuck with me the way that I needed them to, unfortunately. I began to relate more and more to step 1 sometime in the last year but never did anything about it. An excuse I particularly enjoyed was "Well shit, I'm an alcoholic - nothing to do about it but manage the best I can and have a couple more drinks".

On April 24th, 2020, after 2 visists to the ER back to back for cocaine, xanax and booze induced severe panic attacks (including showing up the 2nd time with a blood pressure of 160/105) I finally came to understand and accept step 1.

I had gone through a major depressive, borderline suicidal, phase after dropping out of grad school last fall due to mental health reasons. I was able to find a decent job to lift myself out of it, appease my parents, pay my rent and get things back on the right track despite having not worked for 5 months (business degrees from SMU do help - even with a middling GPA), but pretty soon started working from home for my new employer due to COVID. I had been clean of xanax for 6 months or so - but my anxiety hit with a renewed vengance after the sudden change of going from being around smiling faces and structure that I had long been missing back to sitting at home all day in the apartment that had intoxicating smells and morbid memories seeped into the walls that whispered thoughts of self harm.

As the world went to shit and my life along with it, I reached out to my old supplier for some xanax that my disease had convinced me was of necessity due to the circumstances.

My stimulus check hit early, I had filed my taxes in January or so. I wasn't spending money on lyft and uber (which was my transportation since I don't have a car right now) and extra cash in my bank account started piling up. Sitting there, with a semblance of innocence that my diseased mind clawed at to take advantage of. Still working from home, I had a decent paying job that was easy enough, and as a young single male generally comfortable with the simple things in life  nor crippled by debt - Donald's $1,200 was like nitrous oxide pumped into an old yet potent tank of gasoline.

My anxiety was so unattended, unaddressed, ignored - that it got the best of me despite the warm comfort of disassociation  gifted once again by Big Pharma's segmented, rectangular shaped blight on society. In an effort to drown it out further, I began to drink earlier and earlier in the day. And if you give a mouse a cookie - as in, if I was going to drink at noon to take the edge off and subdue any lingering cabin fever - might as well get a sack too to at least get a little work done (this is especially dangerous when you're in Dallas and have a coke dealer that delivers cheap, face-numbing cocaine to your doorstep within 20 minutes).

I've had issues with alcohol - everyone in my life knows this, but in varying degrees based on the information I have presented or withheld or what they have been exposed to as a witness to my insanity. I thought I needed to quit drinking after certain incidents years in the past - but was always able to manage just well enough to scratch by while being a 50-60 drinks a week type drinker. I could still attend family functions, I could hide it if I needed to, and shut off from those that I truly needed in my life in order to stuff my diseased and aching id to some dusty enclave within my conciousness.

A veil of irony throughout my use is that I actually didn't try cocaine until graduating college (despite joining a fraternity at one of the wealthiest party schools in the nation where it flowed like coors light laden piss into a trough).

I liked it pretty well when I was introduced in a cordial, hey I'd like you to meet someone manner. By the 3rd or 4th time my disease was put into the next gear. Within the past year my cravings for alcohol turned into cravings for cocaethylene. If I touched coke I instantly needed booze. If I got drunk enough I started looking for cocaine like a blue-balled, polo-black -soaked clubgoer perusing the crowd of somewhat acceptable women that might him stick it in them at 3 in the morning. This of course, ad nasuem, propagated countless mornings in which I soon realized in a state of self-dissilutionment that I had called 15 or so people looking for something the night before - and usually 12 of them people I shouldn't have called, hadn't spoken with in months. The worst example was when out of booze, but not out of coke (but what's the difference? You can't create a painting without both the oil and the canvis) I reached out to a high schooler that I used to tutor in the middle of the night to see if he could snag me something from his dad's liquor cabinet.

Right after COVID hit my demon really let itself out of the box of all human vices. I was doing xanax all day, the 2 weeks prior to going to treatment I had probably burned $500 in coke, and was having 20 drink sessions every couple of days. 

On one Thursday, I checked out of work at 2 in the afternoon. Started boozing, blowing down, playing a new game I had got into, popping more xanax whenever I needed to lessen the edge. From Thursday at around 6 pm until that Saturday at 2ish in the afternoon I didn't leave my computer. I played my game - further injecting myself with an original addiction on top of the newfound concoctions I was destroying myself with - for no less than 43 hours straight to the tune of 30 beers or seltzers or whatever I was drinking and probably at least an 8 ball of cocaine. Never ate a bite. Never left the house. My beer was delivered, I had all the xanax I could ever need, my dealer knew where I lived and would come drop off from just around the corner. Nearly passing out at my desk, I retired, bringing with me auditory hallucinations of a virtual escapist landscape I had bored into my skull.

The insanity of it - the insanity we all suffer from and carry with us collectively - was that that wasn't my rock bottom to get my ass into treatment. I had more nights similar to that. I had started dealing xanax with a friend on a crazy profit margin (300-400% per pill), got really messed up, manic, and crazy one night and thought about buying a gun without a serial number to start trapping (Speaking of insanity - this was while I was still holding down a $45k/yr job). I stole a bottle of liquor and some weed (I don't even like weed) from my best friend - a friend that would bail me out of jail if it took his life saving  to do it - on a night where he passed out early on his couch. Another night, my veins throbbing with cocaine and vodka, I wandered around  the streets in my neighborhood (carrying a fifth of vodka with me) to find someone to talk to at 3 in the morning and had a passing conversation with some schizophrenic homeless person under a nearby DART station. Miraculously my higher power continued to keep giving me chances I didn't deserve. Keep me out of jail. Keep me alive. Keep me from utter destitution.

None of this truly scared me. Probably because i had so heavily masked it with invasive chemicals to the point where I forgot what fear was. I knew I was powerless but my spirit was still not willing. My physical and mental health was beaten into and sealed shut in an alien oblivion that only my disease and demons could have led me to.

And then, one night, (and as someone that has had multiple, multiple  - 10/10 sweating, chest throbbing panic attacks) I had "the" one. My heartbeat felt like it was doing a scat jazz performance. I felt like I was going to pass out or die right then and there. I checked into the ER. My blood pressure was off the charts. I REALLY felt like my heart was going to fail. It's doubtful that I would have died that night - but it rewoke something powerful inside me. Not an anxiety coping mechanism of "okay I need to calm down, this will pass" but a raw, visceral, spiritual fear of dying. 

They pumped me full of saline. They did an EKG and Echo. All normal. The doctor that discharged me (and I will never forget this for as long as I live) clasped his hands as if in prayer, looked at me in the eyes and said "You are really really young. Please. Get some help" as if he was looking into the eyes in the midst an intervention with someone in his own family.

I walked home from the ER for the 3rd time in just a matter of weeks. Distraught, ashamed, self-pitied, upset, hopeless, utterly lost, but... somehow grateful for the sunlight and air and a reminder from somewhere that I can't describe that this is the life we are given and in this life there are moments worth living for and you can do anything you want but you damn well sure not give up until the bell rings.

That's when.

That's when my integrity and faith and humility and guilt - guilt that I had never come to terms with - was defribrilated through my nervous system so I could begin to rediscover a nascent - but not yet lost - glimmer behind my eyes. A glimmer of earnestness. A glimmer of life. A glimmer of hope and change and the future and all those things bigger than me. That's when I shot my long repressed faith - faith in life beyond self, faith in childhood dreams, faith that the night might grow darkest just before the dawn - and shot my resolve and ambition that I used to carry as a wet-behind-the-ears 18 year old on my way to college deep into the part of my being (which a Father of the Virgin Mary might call your soul) like an epi pen full of adrenaline. That's when I realized I had been a selfish, inconsiderate, hedonistic-driven shell of myself fueled by duct-taped schemes that could no longer distinguish between who I used to be, who I had became, who I was, and who I might never get to be.

I sat in bed and cried. I texted my mom and told her I needed her to come get me. She asked what was wrong, and the three words became the beginning of a new chapter for me:

I. Need. Help.

 

Thanks for letting me share. I have some more, and actually ended up drunk last night after 50 days clean, but I woke up today to once again take it one day at a time.

 

Edited June 17, 2020 by ztejas

[futureman 22444]

keep coming back

[JohnnyRage 1617]

I'm happy for you.

[BearSchlong 8083]

Me too.  I recommend you get real stupid real quick because you seem like one of those guys that is too "smart" to completely surrender.  Glad you're making progress on the honesty and willingness front.

Keep it simple.

You want help?  Go find someone that has long term sobriety and a successful, fulfilling life and DO WHAT THEY DO, and what they suggest.  The only way I know how to escape BONDAGE OF SELF is to work the steps and then help other alcoholics.

Your head is a dangerous neighborhood, you shouldn't be there alone.

Edited June 18, 2020 by BearSchlong

[ztejas 43414]

1 hour ago, BearSchlong said:

Me too.  I recommend you get real stupid real quick because you seem like one of those guys that is too "smart" to completely surrender.  Glad you're making progress on the honesty and willingness front.

Keep it simple.

You want help?  Go find someone that has long term sobriety and a successful, fulfilling life and DO WHAT THEY DO, and what they suggest.  The only way I know how to escape BONDAGE OF SELF is to work the steps and then help other alcoholics.

Your head is a dangerous neighborhood, you shouldn't be there alone.

Yeah - I'm having coffee tomorrow with an older guy that lives a great life and I'm hoping he can sponsor me. He's a family friend through multiple connections and has at least 10 years sober.

[Reagan1k 3024]

8 hours ago, ztejas said:

Yeah - I'm having coffee tomorrow with an older guy that lives a great life and I'm hoping he can sponsor me. He's a family friend through multiple connections and has at least 10 years sober.

That’s wonderful.   My experience is that I can’t think my way to recovery from the disease.  As Bear said, my mind is a scary place.  It’s not a mental exercise.
 

Recovery comes from taking ACTIONS contrary to our mental state. 

I had a mind that was trying to kill me (in my mind is the disease) and a body that wouldn’t die.  Recovery comes through taking actions contradictory to ever mental thought and want I have. 

I can’t think my way to recovery and right living.  I must ACT my way into right living.

My advice to all newcomers is to save yourself a lot of heartache and misery by being smart enough to be dumb enough to just do what your sponsor says and take the actions as fast as you can regardless of how you “feel” or how ridiculous those actions may seem. 

You can Recover from this is you take the actions.  
 

Godspeed Zach.  You can recover! 

[El Diablo 4232]

10 hours ago, ztejas said:

Yeah - I'm having coffee tomorrow with an older guy that lives a great life and I'm hoping he can sponsor me. He's a family friend through multiple connections and has at least 10 years sober.

What step were you working on at day 50 when you relapsed?

[BearSchlong 8083]

One, obviously.  He had a reservation.  Drinking was still an option.  The only step you have to work perfectly.  He still had his own plan.

I sure wish Cajun would show back up here and pontificate on the "like air for a drowning man" aspect of desperation.

@Reagan1k said it perfectly - a mind that wanted to kill me, and a body that wouldn't die.  I've heard it stated "my brain would have killed me a long time ago except it needed the body for transportation."

Just a reminder, Tomorrow June 19 @ 8pm, Zoom speaker meeting - Heidie Jo M. from Brady, TX.  

click on this link and scroll to the Friday 8pm meeting - https://www.northlandgroup.org/, or here's the info:

Meeting ID: 665252715 Password: 2809 Hosted by Robin B.

 

 

Edited June 18, 2020 by BearSchlong

[TwiceHorn 31440]

Agree with what Bear and Reagan said.

It may be a character flaw but in order to get sober, I had to quit thinking about it and just do it. Part of it is some natural curiosity and some of it was trying to avoid it by finding an easier way.

And my rambling about how it works for me after years of doing it may not really be helpful for those new in the program.  

Edited June 18, 2020 by TwiceHorn

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

I tried AA for the first time the year I turned 30. I hadn't lost nearly enough for it to stick. I didn't have desperation; I was way too willing to take it a la carte. I figured now that AA finally had somebody really smart doing its program, that person could sort of audit the thing and pick out the most important parts and just do those, to maximize efficiency and avoid uncomfortable stuff. 

yeah that didn't work

Meetings are important but being in and around the meeting is equally important. If you're just a face that's there from 11:59 til 1:01, you're not really in the herd. It might seem hard to strike up conversations, God knows I think so, but a simple "I liked what you shared" after a meeting is enough to start forging the kind of simple friendships that make the meetings comfortable and even enjoyable. 

You will hear different things about sharing. Some people think newcomers should shut the fuck up and listen. That's partly true. I guess my advice would be, share often early on just so people know who you are and what you're going through. All your share has to be is how you're feeling that day. It doesn't have to illuminate anything about the program for anyone else, it doesn't have to generate applause or laughter or get you elected VP of AA because of its amazing insight. It took me a long time to learn that. Just sharing "I'm new, this kind of sucks" lets people know you're approachable. 

[Celery Man 20933]

Welcome back buddy.

Also, love the "get real stupid real quick" line from Bear. It took me a second to follow, but yep, that's right. Just do what the sober people tell you to do and keep moving forward.

[DallasHorn26 586]

Is there anyone here familiar with the unemployment process and the appeal hearing? If so,would you please shoot me a PM. Thought I'd as here first instead of CYHM since it's a result of my disease.

Sent from my moto g(7) optimo (XT1952DL) using Tapatalk

[El Diablo 4232]

My family and I will be burying my mother in a few hours and I gotta tell ya, being able to suit up and show up just like all the normies is no small miracle. No real regrets, nothing was left unsaid or undone. No sibling squabbles this past week. Just a full and grateful heart. Stick around they said, do the work they said, wait for the miracle they said. Very glad that I did.  

[Kennythetiger 9376]

You sound just like the sponsor character in a Joaquin Phoenix aa movie that I started watching last night. 🙂

My thoughts are with you and your family today. 

[Reagan1k 3024]

12 hours ago, DallasHorn26 said:

Is there anyone here familiar with the unemployment process and the appeal hearing? If so,would you please shoot me a PM. Thought I'd as here first instead of CYHM since it's a result of my disease.

Sent from my moto g(7) optimo (XT1952DL) using Tapatalk
 

I’m no expert and have no actual experience in such a claim but I have read about a situation where an alcoholic appealed a firing due to smelling of it on the job or behavior because of it.

If you have a medical diagnosis or some history of treatment you may be able to appeal that the conduct was not deliberate, reckless, or intentional.

Do you have some documentation?  If so, you should be able to appeal.  There might also be some protections under the ADA act.

Gather your facts and seek an appeal.  Seek legal advice if the cost/benefit analysis deems it worthwhile.

Again, I’m not a law dog and have simply read about the matter out of curiosity and relevance in the lives of my brethren in this journey. 

 

[DallasHorn26 586]

I’m no expert and have no actual experience in such a claim but I have read about a situation where an alcoholic appealed a firing due to smelling of it on the job or behavior because of it.
If you have a medical diagnosis or some history of treatment you may be able to appeal that the conduct was not deliberate, reckless, or intentional.
Do you have some documentation?  If so, you should be able to appeal.  There might also be some protections under the ADA act.
Gather your facts and seek an appeal.  Seek legal advice if the cost/benefit analysis deems it worthwhile.
Again, I’m not a law dog and have simply read about the matter out of curiosity and relevance in the lives of my brethren in this journey. 
 

Is there anyone here familiar with the unemployment process and the appeal hearing? If so,would you please shoot me a PM. Thought I'd as here first instead of CYHM since it's a result of my disease.




Thanks. It ultimately boiled down to attendance issues and poor performance. I had seen a psych previously for alcoholism, but never disclosed to my employer, if that matters or not. At this point, I've been offered a new role, just looking to see if there was a possibility with this upcoming appeal phone hearing to swing it my way and receive back pay.

Sent from my moto g(7) optimo (XT1952DL) using Tapatalk

[Kennythetiger 9376]

On 6/18/2020 at 7:51 AM, BearSchlong said:

One, obviously.  He had a reservation.  Drinking was still an option.  The only step you have to work perfectly.  He still had his own plan.

I sure wish Cajun would show back up here and pontificate on the "like air for a drowning man" aspect of desperation.

@Reagan1k said it perfectly - a mind that wanted to kill me, and a body that wouldn't die.  I've heard it stated "my brain would have killed me a long time ago except it needed the body for transportation."

Just a reminder, Tomorrow June 19 @ 8pm, Zoom speaker meeting - Heidie Jo M. from Brady, TX.  

click on this link and scroll to the Friday 8pm meeting - https://www.northlandgroup.org/, or here's the info:

Meeting ID: 665252715 Password: 2809 Hosted by Robin B.

 

 

Thanks for the link. Enjoyed the meeting. 

[hullabelew 3723]

My family and I will be burying my mother in a few hours and I gotta tell ya, being able to suit up and show up just like all the normies is no small miracle. No real regrets, nothing was left unsaid or undone. No sibling squabbles this past week. Just a full and grateful heart. Stick around they said, do the work they said, wait for the miracle they said. Very glad that I did.  

Peaceful thoughts Diablo.

[TwiceHorn 31440]

14 hours ago, DallasHorn26 said:

Is there anyone here familiar with the unemployment process and the appeal hearing? If so,would you please shoot me a PM. Thought I'd as here first instead of CYHM since it's a result of my disease.




Thanks. It ultimately boiled down to attendance issues and poor performance. I had seen a psych previously for alcoholism, but never disclosed to my employer, if that matters or not. At this point, I've been offered a new role, just looking to see if there was a possibility with this upcoming appeal phone hearing to swing it my way and receive back pay.

Sent from my moto g(7) optimo (XT1952DL) using Tapatalk
 

As a general rule, anything connected to continuing or ongoing use/abuse of drugs or alcohol is fair game for termination by an employer.

What isn't is what happens when you seek treatment, preferably through an Employee Assistance Program.  They have to accommodate your recovery, but not your disease, especially if there's adverse consequences potentially resulting from ongoing use (absenteeism, danger, etc.).

It's a fine line and probably going to be pretty hard to toe in a TEC hearing/proceeding.  You probably have to take it to court with medical evidence to be able to prevail.

I cannot say that I have encountered it at that level, so can't give authoritative advice.

[JohnnyRage 1617]

It would seem to me, and I don’t have any experience with this, whether one voluntarily resigned or was terminated would have ramifications. 

[BearSchlong 8083]

Thanks for the link. Enjoyed the meeting. 

I was wondering if you were there. . .shes great isn't she?

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

On 6/19/2020 at 6:42 AM, El Diablo said:

My family and I will be burying my mother in a few hours and I gotta tell ya, being able to suit up and show up just like all the normies is no small miracle. No real regrets, nothing was left unsaid or undone. No sibling squabbles this past week. Just a full and grateful heart. Stick around they said, do the work they said, wait for the miracle they said. Very glad that I did.  

Good thoughts your way, devil man. I dread the day I have to do that, but the way I was going, she would have been burying me which a mother should never have to do. 

I'm sure you've thought about it that way more than once. 

[Degenerate Gardner 4085]

I am not an addict but confess that I come to this thread sometimes when I want to see hope, unity and honest self reflection. You guys are badasses. Keep fighting the good fight friends.

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

52 minutes ago, Degenerate Gardner said:

I am not an addict but confess that I come to this thread sometimes when I want to see hope, unity and honest self reflection. You guys are badasses. Keep fighting the good fight friends.

Lot of good folks on here with a lot of perspective. Perspective through an addict's eyes may be different, but everybody knows what it feels like to be hopeless at times. 

 

[Celery Man 20933]

Welp, laid off. Not a surprise, industry is fucked from Covid, i had recently shuffled to a new group because the organizational changes with the layoffs in April. I was already looking for my next job, but I’m on the clock now. And you know, rejection. But I’ll be ok, certainly won’t drink.

[BearSchlong 8083]

Hate to hear about the pink slip, but God's got this.  Sober Job hunts sure beat drunk job hops.

[TwiceHorn 31440]

Shit, sorry CeleryMan.  Buena suerte with the job hunt.

[TexArcher 37771]

Hang in there, Celery Man.  The only constant is change, and it isn't always our idea.  Make the most of it.

[Celery Man 20933]

I'll be alright. If I can get the next pot on the burner quickly it'll be a win - severance is based on tenure and I've got a bit over 11 years. Which is... longer than I deserve to have and also plenty long enough for any one place as a 34 year old. But still a bit hard, especially as the last several years have been tough and I've put a lot of energy into keeping the train on the tracks.

I had a good phone screener last week for a job that I think would be really great. Call went well, sourcing lady said she'd pass my name along to the manager and that I might hear from them middle of this week. Good company, the right mix of.... stuff I'm familiar with and stuff that moves me towards where I think my future is (really the kind of thing I was supposed to be doing for the past 6 months if we could've stopped bailing water and firing people and instead focused on building shit. Pure remote which is interesting, but we're trying to move and that could really open things up. If y'all want to put some good vibes in the air for me I'd appreciate it.

Sorry for some kinda... off topic or whatever. But man the last time I faced rejection from something I'd put this much of my life into I turned into a pile of salt. Whenever I'm having some kinda thing that's really grinding my gears or I'm just pissed, meetings are good. I don't get there as much as I used to, which I guess is the goal. I'm lowkey freaking out, but also I'm not really - definitely not in that place. Thinking back on where I've been, which is at least part of why I want to go to the sober place in crisis, just reminds me... I'm playing with house money, and whatever anxiety I have now doesn't touch what I used to wake up to every single day.

[DallasHorn26 586]

So today is day 60 for me. It's amazing how things seem to fall into place when I let go of control and self direction and not worry about tomorrow. I left rehab 30 days ago without a pot to piss in and started delivering for Amazon to keep myself fed. This week, I got a job offer that comes with a 10% increase over my last role. Then yesterday, I found out TWC ruled in my favor on my unemployment appeal. I will shortly be receiving 8 weeks of backdated benefits with the federal covid kicker.

Sent from my moto g(7) optimo (XT1952DL) using Tapatalk

[JohnnyRage 1617]

I want my cut of that.

[TwiceHorn 31440]

6 minutes ago, DallasHorn26 said:

So today is day 60 for me. It's amazing how things seem to fall into place when I let go of control and self direction and not worry about tomorrow. I left rehab 30 days ago without a pot to piss in and started delivering for Amazon to keep myself fed. This week, I got a job offer that comes with a 10% increase over my last role. Then yesterday, I found out TWC ruled in my favor on my unemployment appeal. I will shortly be receiving 8 weeks of backdated benefits with the federal covid kicker.

Sent from my moto g(7) optimo (XT1952DL) using Tapatalk
 

Ah very nice.  Things have a habit of working out when you are at peace with the universe.

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

2 hours ago, DallasHorn26 said:

So today is day 60 for me. It's amazing how things seem to fall into place when I let go of control and self direction and not worry about tomorrow. I left rehab 30 days ago without a pot to piss in and started delivering for Amazon to keep myself fed. This week, I got a job offer that comes with a 10% increase over my last role. Then yesterday, I found out TWC ruled in my favor on my unemployment appeal. I will shortly be receiving 8 weeks of backdated benefits with the federal covid kicker.

Sent from my moto g(7) optimo (XT1952DL) using Tapatalk
 

How long ago did you file with TWC? I'm out on my ass right now, too. It sucks, but like has been said, definitely better thing to deal with sober.

I've yet to find something that is better to deal with or do drunk.  Weird how that works when the drink was the main driving factor of your life for so many years. 

 

[DallasHorn26 586]

I originally filed with them April 22. They denied me initially because I was terminated due to misconduct. I was very surprised when they overturned the decision. This stuff is definitely much better to deal with sober. I'm so glad I am today.

[BearSchlong 8083]

I just spent 3 hours reading and discussing the Doctor's opinion and Bill's Story with a new sponsee.  I'm optimistic that this guy will make it.  He is a college football coach which adds an interesting twist, so he gets the whole concept of why he needs to get through the steps and start sponsoring others.  When he missed a camp that he had previously worked for 9 years other coaches reached out to check on him and he was honest with them for the first time, told them that he was in rehab for alcohol and drug abuse.  He said that several others in his profession reached out to him as sober alcoholics and he was astonished that there is a brotherhood (sober) inside the brotherhood (college coaches).

[pch 1259]

22 hours ago, DallasHorn26 said:

So today is day 60 for me. It's amazing how things seem to fall into place when I let go of control and self direction and not worry about tomorrow. I left rehab 30 days ago without a pot to piss in and started delivering for Amazon to keep myself fed. This week, I got a job offer that comes with a 10% increase over my last role. Then yesterday, I found out TWC ruled in my favor on my unemployment appeal. I will shortly be receiving 8 weeks of backdated benefits with the federal covid kicker.

Sent from my moto g(7) optimo (XT1952DL) using Tapatalk
 

Congratulations on two months.  As an HR manager, I am pleased that you receive benefits.  I have found that the saying there are no coincidences applies to every good thing that has happened in my life since becoming a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. 

[El Diablo 4232]

I was a participant in a virtual departmental meeting yesterday and we were informed that our manager (44 years with the company) will be retiring in the near future and that along with that change our department will be transitioning to someone at the parent company (we are a subsidiary of a NSYE  entity). Probably won't impact me in any meaningful way soon,  but ....CHANGE!! 

[hundredTT 577]

I have been slowly tapering off since May, from an every day vodka drinker to finally completely sober - day 5 today. Not been a fun 5 days at all. Sick first 3 days, sleep was a pure nightmare until finally last night, but still woke up like 10 times last night. Been through it before and get it. What is different this time is I'm just sad a lot of times. The last time I got sober, I was loving life almost immediately and felt so upbeat and determined. I've just been very up and down this go around. Like right now it is Friday and I've just been in my bedroom all day fucking around. Have no urge to go outside, no urge to even answer my phone, nothing interests me. I want this to pass so bad, really depressing. But I know it is not supposed to be easy. 

Edited June 27, 2020 by hundredTT

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

11 hours ago, hundredTT said:

I have been slowly tapering off since May, from an every day vodka drinker to finally completely sober - day 5 today. Not been a fun 5 days at all. Sick first 3 days, sleep was a pure nightmare until finally last night, but still woke up like 10 times last night. Been through it before and get it. What is different this time is I'm just sad a lot of times. The last time I got sober, I was loving life almost immediately and felt so upbeat and determined. I've just been very up and down this go around. Like right now it is Friday and I've just been in my bedroom all day fucking around. Have no urge to go outside, no urge to even answer my phone, nothing interests me. I want this to pass so bad, really depressing. But I know it is not supposed to be easy. 

Glad you're still trying. Benadryl is your friend if you can't sleep, the first couple weeks. If it was easy and fun to quit, we wouldn't have this problem in the first place. I have been there, the "now I'm going to conquer life, this is going to be awesome!" feeling-- it's transitory, it never lasts, it's not real. The flip side of that coin isn't real either-- "my life is over, I'll never have fun again, what is the point", etc. 

The reality is that you have today. Your best chance to get another today tomorrow is to not pick up a drink today. Your best chance to not pick up a drink today is to use whatever part of the AA program will keep you from doing it. Rigorous honesty, I love this thread and these dudes and I'm sure everyone else (like me) is glad to see you check in, but posting here is probably the weakest tool available to you. You might be surprised at how good going to an AA meeting and blubbering like a bitch actually makes you feel, in early sobriety. It made me feel better.

When I was in detox in May of 2018, I got suicidal and let it slip to one of the nurses that I had made a plan and acquired a method to kill myself. That got me forklifted over to Shoal Creek, into the loony bin, where in reading the paperwork carefully, I found out that while this whole detox and rehab thing were "voluntary" (meaning I could leave any time I wanted), being at Shoal Creek itself was not voluntary and those doctors could keep me there indefinitely if they judged me a risk to myself or others. I wasn't even allowed to go outside the first 24 hours. I remember looking out the window and being shocked at how helpless it made me feel to know my ability just to go outside was out of my control. I literally prayed to God to get me out of that situation. Please at least get me to where I can fucking go outside so I'm not locked up in a crazy hospital.

Later that same day, I was discharged to my long-term rehab care and ended up at a Westlake AA meeting. I was sitting in that meeting angry and depressed and thinking this whole thing was just wasting time until I could kill myself and then I realized, my prayer had been answered. I got out of Shoal Creek, out in the sun for a bit, out to an AA meeting, etc etc. I humbly and desperately asked God to get me out of there and he did, practically immediately. 

That gave me a little hard-won gratitude, which, when I kept it in mind, helped me through some of the harder times that were still to come.

[El Diablo 4232]

13 hours ago, hundredTT said:

I have been slowly tapering off since May, from an every day vodka drinker to finally completely sober - day 5 today. Not been a fun 5 days at all. Sick first 3 days, sleep was a pure nightmare until finally last night, but still woke up like 10 times last night. Been through it before and get it. What is different this time is I'm just sad a lot of times. The last time I got sober, I was loving life almost immediately and felt so upbeat and determined. I've just been very up and down this go around. Like right now it is Friday and I've just been in my bedroom all day fucking around. Have no urge to go outside, no urge to even answer my phone, nothing interests me. I want this to pass so bad, really depressing. But I know it is not supposed to be easy. 

Hope you get some relief soon. Time seems to stand still during early sobriety, at least it did for me. 

[JohnnyRage 1617]

12 hours ago, hundredTT said:

I have been slowly tapering off since May, from an every day vodka drinker to finally completely sober - day 5 today. Not been a fun 5 days at all. Sick first 3 days, sleep was a pure nightmare until finally last night, but still woke up like 10 times last night. Been through it before and get it. What is different this time is I'm just sad a lot of times. The last time I got sober, I was loving life almost immediately and felt so upbeat and determined. I've just been very up and down this go around. Like right now it is Friday and I've just been in my bedroom all day fucking around. Have no urge to go outside, no urge to even answer my phone, nothing interests me. I want this to pass so bad, really depressing. But I know it is not supposed to be easy. 

Sounds better than the pain of drinking. But what do I know?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I truly am blessed, and it's more than I deserve, that after a couple good nights of sleep, some progress in my life, and some honesty in the program that my life just starts to get better. I know that it is the opposite for some. I think those people are either self-medicateing an underlying mental condition or have gone further than most. My only suggestions in the immediate would be prayer, moderate food, sunlight, exercising, socializing, and seeing your doctor.

 

Edited June 27, 2020 by JohnnyRage

[TwiceHorn 31440]

At times in early sobriety when I had that really low-energy but restless feeling, I would go to one of the meetings that had a series of meetings running straight from about 8AM to 2PM and just hang out.

[El Diablo 4232]

8 hours ago, TwiceHorn said:

At times in early sobriety when I had that really low-energy but restless feeling, I would go to one of the meetings that had a series of meetings running straight from about 8AM to 2PM and just hang out.

Yep. Immersion in the program and being around others kept my mind occupied and at the end of the day I was pooped and began to sleep better.

[Dewey 3286]

I read a lot, I was in such a chaotic state, that I couldn't find a direction. Reading the likes of Bill W, and later on, spiritual figures,  I was able to see better where I needed to go. Meetings helped early on, if for nothing else, I knew I wasn't alone in my weird, trivial, selfish ways. Meetings were also a good place to find other material.  A guy heard me speak, approached me afterward and recommended Father Martin... sometimes its a book, or a podcast. Lots of great help out there, I beg everyone who struggles not to do this on your own, you can save some years with a little help. 

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

777 days sober today

feels pretty lucky

[Hornius Emeritus 12450]

On 6/27/2020 at 9:38 PM, SwanderedTalent said:

777 days sober today

feels pretty lucky

 

Congratulations. 

Amazingly ----- especially probably to those who know me ----- after a 40 years of drinking, I've quit almost completely. Still like the taste and the ritual, but the next day ---- even after a couple of beers ----- is proving to not be worth it.  I think I just don't metabolize it like I used to.  Plus it seems like I've got to the point at which total clarity is about as much fun as being drunk. I don't think that I was an alcoholic  (never woke up needing a drink, often went a week or two without drinking) but when I would drink I would sometimes drink too much.   Haven't touched a drop in more than two weeks and find it surprisingly easy to not miss. Part of it is that for the last 10-15 years I was mostly a social drinker  ----- playing darts once a week and tailgates during the fall ----- but since I'm quarantined those reasons are gone. Since quarantine I've had maybe 5-6 beers. Did I finally grow up?

 

[Reagan1k 3024]

I don’t think you grew up.  I think you are just plain vanilla normal.  You sound  like a typical drinker- maybe heavy at times,  who had few if any consequences.  It also sounds like when deciding to stop or moderate you could / have and do not experience the mental obsession that haunts a real alcoholic.

i truly love posts like this because they remind me that I’m different than that and reaffirms To me that I am powerless over alcohol.  

[TwiceHorn 31440]

3 minutes ago, Reagan1k said:

I don’t think you grew up.  I think you are just plain vanilla normal.  You sound  like a typical drinker- maybe heavy at times,  who had few if any consequences.  It also sounds like when deciding to stop or moderate you could / have and do not experience the mental obsession that haunts a real alcoholic.

i truly love posts like this because they remind me that I’m different than that and reaffirms To me that I am powerless over alcohol.  

Couldn't have said it better.

You hear in AA sometimes that a shorthand for the program is to "grow the fuck up."  There's also a notion that your emotional development or intelligence becomes sort of frozen as of the time you started drinking pathologically.

But Hornius Emeritus' story kind of illustrates what we say about the test of whether you're an alcoholic.  First, do the consequences make it seem like stopping (or moderating) drinking is necessary or at least a very good idea, and second, can you stay stopped (or moderated)?  The catch is that even an alcoholic will feel pretty good about everything for a couple of weeks or months after stopping drinking.  It's later that the problems or compulsion arises again, if active recovery measures aren't taken.

It's pretty obvious that many surlsters are regular to heavy drinkers.  I'm guessing that no more than the usual 10% or so are problem drinkers/alcoholics.

[hundredTT 577]

The 4th was not kind to me, well I should say I wasn’t kind to myself. So I was in day 13 sober starting to feel like my old self. My brother and I went to the store got some meat to grill, fireworks. I started the day with good intentions. I bought a pack of Heineken 0.0. My brother doesn’t know how bad my drinking is, but he supported my decision to go non-alcohol, he’s on a strict diet so it worked for him too. We’re 1 beer in both and we both almost at the same time said we feel buzzed, thought it was a placebo or something. Well we look at the Heineken box, and my dumbass self didn’t read it right. It has Heineken 0.0 in huge letters, also says extra 3 included, still a bit confusing as I look at the box now, could be read as 3 extra 0.0’s... I was also in a rush to get out of the store with covid and shit, but def my mistake for not reading it. So I finished my regular Heineken, got a buzz, honestly hit me kinda hard which is rare for beer, and that’s was the trigger and excuse to keep drinking more. Finished all the beers, except ironically the non alcohol beers, finished with a vodka. I had a great time to popping fireworks and enjoying the 4th. I didn’t go nearly as hard as I used to, but still woke up with a hangover today. Feel really disappointed today, but I am not going to start drinking again. Feel focused. 
 

Exact box:

Edited July 5, 2020 by hundredTT

[TwiceHorn 31440]

14 minutes ago, hundredTT said:

The 4th was not kind to me, well I should say I wasn’t kind to myself. So I was in day 13 sober starting to feel like my old self. My brother and I went to the store got some meat to grill, fireworks. I started the day with good intentions. I bought a pack of Heineken 0.0. My brother doesn’t know how bad my drinking is, but he supported my decision to go non-alcohol, he’s on a strict diet so it worked for him too. We’re 1 beer in both and we both almost at the same time said we feel buzzed, thought it was a placebo or something. Well we look at the Heineken box, and my dumbass self didn’t read it right. It has Heineken 0.0 in huge letters, also says extra 3 included, still a bit confusing as I look at the box now, could be read as 3 extra 0.0’s... I was also in a rush to get out of the store with covid and shit, but def my mistake for not reading it. So I finished my regular Heineken, got a buzz, honestly hit me kinda hard which is rare for beer, and that’s was the trigger and excuse to keep drinking more. Finished all the beers, except ironically the non alcohol beers, finished with a vodka. I had a great time to popping fireworks and enjoying the 4th. I didn’t go nearly as hard as I used to, but still woke up with a hangover today. Feel really disappointed today, but I am not going to start drinking again. Feel focused. 
 

Exact box:

Relapses happen, sometimes even kind of by accident.  Don't let it bury you.  Kudos for your honesty.

Also, pro-tip.  The general rule on NA beer is a) it still has some alcohol in it and probably enough to goose those neural pathways and start up a craving if you guzzle them; and b) even if it was completely alcohol-free, it is "romancing the drink," which is not a good idea for the newly sober.

Edited July 5, 2020 by TwiceHorn