I'm An Alcoholic

[ztejas 43533]

3 minutes ago, BearSchlong said:

Hi y'all.

Been through the wringer with Covid for the past 2 weeks and it's been awful.  Unable to work, which has thrown me into all kinds of fear and anxiety.  I'm coming back to work today, but admittedly at about 50% capability, my company's Covid PTO benefit expired so I basically have to just suck it up and see what I can get accomplished.

Acceptance, patience, and tolerance has to be my code otherwise I'll never make it.  Total reliance on the steps and the things I learned in AA about the disease of alcoholism is where I'm at today.  Think I'll attend some online zoom meetings today as well.

 

Hang in there. I'm only working like 20 hours a week right now at a little "get well" job so I feel your predicament. Idle time and the devil and all that. I've been trying to lean more on hobbies - playing guitar, played 18 yesterday for the first time in awhile. Anything to distract my anxiety and get some healthy endorphins pumping.

I've needed some tolerance lately.  Sometimes being an asshole just feels good. Trying to not let those seeds grow.

Skipped going to a meeting Saturday. Doing 90 in 90 right now and I double up on occasion so I will get there, but my sober living expects me to attend a meeting everyday regardless. Kind of blowing off my sponsor and procrastinating on step 9. It's easy to do those things when I start feeling better and like I don't "need" it.

Acceptance? I'm pretty good. Finding it easier to talk myself out of drinking when those thoughts pop up. Play the tape, remember why I'm here, all that jazz.

Will pick up my 60 day chip Friday night barring catastrophe.

[Kennythetiger 9456]

22 minutes ago, BearSchlong said:

Hi y'all.

Been through the wringer with Covid for the past 2 weeks and it's been awful.  Unable to work, which has thrown me into all kinds of fear and anxiety.  I'm coming back to work today, but admittedly at about 50% capability, my company's Covid PTO benefit expired so I basically have to just suck it up and see what I can get accomplished.

Acceptance, patience, and tolerance has to be my code otherwise I'll never make it.  Total reliance on the steps and the things I learned in AA about the disease of alcoholism is where I'm at today.  Think I'll attend some online zoom meetings today as well.

 

Did your dad make it through ok?  

[BearSchlong 8111]

Yes, thank God.  He didn't get it.

[Celery Man 20996]

I don't think I had remembered or realized that you were going through that Bear (I remembered you talking about COVID impacting your personal world but sounds like you actually are recovering from it?) - stay well buddy.

 

I'm an absolute hypocrite saying this (in response to ztejas' post) but a big part of the thing that made recovery improve other aspects of my life (apart from not being drunk all the time) was getting control over my procrastination and/or avoidance of shit I needed to do. I'm sure I'm not unique in that during my late phase of active alcoholism I was buried in little problems that had metastasized into big problems. From... cleaning to car registration to relationships to... everything. Control the controllables (God grant me the serenity) - those are controllables. How do I fight my anxiety about a mountain of shit I need to do? Through organization and action. Organization to have everything accounted for, action to move things off the board. The way for me to not get overwhelmed by a mountain of work is to have it all accounted for (high confidence that I know all the things I need to do), the way to feel good about doing mundane boring and unpleasant stuff is to be able to see that mountain turn into a manageable pile.

I've become a list and process person in my recovery. Some shit comes at me, I know what to do - break it into individual pieces, prioritize it in my list, start chewing away at it. Control it, move forward. I work in tech, and so this may fall under "use the tools you find", but I use Trello (trello.com) and Kanban (essentially, columns for to do, in progress, and completed, add things into "to do" with information and keep the list prioritized, move things left to right as you progress) to keep my shit organized. Google Keep is another useful tool for note taking and list making, a bit easier to use on mobile.

I think I go into a whole "agile development frameworks as mechanisms in recovery" thing on this thread once a year or so. Wouldn't do it if I didn't find it so helpful. Even just the practice of not holding things in my memory is hugely beneficial to my serenity. No anxiety of trying to remember or hold all of the things in my head, really the only that kind of stress is related to thinking of something important when I can't jot it down. Anyways, big ass thing about organization, but I'd try and not let slipping on things you know you need to do become consistent enough to turn into a habit (or regress the progress you've made on building new habits, which is central to recovery).

[Reagan1k 3024]

29 minutes ago, Celery Man said:

I've become a list and process person in my recovery

Great point.  For me I equate my list making and process actions like a 5th step.  If I get all my "to-do's" out of my head, and past my teeth on to paper, the are no longer swirling around as a typhoon in my skull.  They are identified individually and no longer just a foggy notion of "all this shit I have to do" which creates a feeling of being overwhelmed.

It becomes cathartic to cross them off and see the list shrink and if I can't do it all, I get to say, "oh well - tomorrow."

To me, those actions seem to come naturally to well adjusted grown-ups but it only took me 50 some-odd years to mature - glad I finally did.

[Celery Man 20996]

Just now, Reagan1k said:

Great point.  For me I equate my list making and process actions like a 5th step.  If I get all my "to-do's" out of my head, and past my teeth on to paper, the are no longer swirling around as a typhoon in my skull.  They are identified individually and no longer just a foggy notion of "all this shit I have to do" which creates a feeling of being overwhelmed.

It becomes cathartic to cross them off and see the list shrink and if I can't do it all, I get to say, "oh well - tomorrow."

To me, those actions seem to come naturally to well adjusted grown-ups but it only took me 50 some-odd years to mature - glad I finally did.

beer:whiskey::my post:your post

precisely

[El Diablo 4232]

I'm a list maker. One thing I've found in doing that is if something stays on the list a long, long time I may just need to take it off. I have to reevaluate why it was on there in the first place.

Good to see you back, somewhat, in action there Schlong.

[JohnnyRage 1617]

I just try to not react to things, not to take things too seriously, practice gratuity, and pray away obsessive thinking.

 

Other than that it’s just life. Overtime the rationalization of surviving alcohol creeps back, but I’m still in an anchored place.

 

Congratulations @ztejas In less than two months you’ve made it as far or further than I have in the steps in my five year journey. But I’m a stubborn son of a bitch. 

Edited August 17, 2020 by JohnnyRage

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

51 minutes ago, JohnnyRage said:

I just try to not react to things, not to take things too seriously, practice gratuity, and pray away obsessive thinking.

I'm reacting, often poorly, to everything

I take the dumbest shit seriously

I'm spitefully grateful

I haven't prayed meaningfully in longer than I can remember

Gee, guess how many meetings I've been to in a month?

[BearSchlong 8111]

Hope you get reconnected soon.  Day 18 covid recovery, going to lots of online meetings and just trying to stay alive at this point.  This is definitely the roughest curve ball I've had in a while.  At this point I'm just trying to endure through this.

[Celery Man 20996]

My dad's best friend lived down the street when I was growing up, and had son maybe 2 years younger than me. So, not best friends or anything, definitely a difference because of the age, but we spent a fair amount of time together. I think I half babysat him (hung out and made sure nothing caught fire) once, our dads and us went to the Ozarks once. His sisters were my sisters age, so we were around them a lot. I'm trying to think of the positive synonyms for stubborn and manipulative, because I believe they exist and there are positive applications of those traits, and he wasn't a bad guy. And he had some exceptional traits and was really talented in a way. He was always really determined, and had a knack for playing people off of each other and getting what he wanted. But he never got it together - I haven't seen him in probably over a decade, but knew he was spending a lot of time getting into trouble as a young man. I talked to his dad a bit at my wedding - didn't quite realize how bad it had gotten (and maybe what a can of worms it was to ask about him). His dad definitely sounded like they were out of things to do and it was out of their hands. Just heard he was found dead in a hotel this morning. Man, what a shame, what a waste. Sending positive vibes out to every parent out there dealing with this kind of issue. Sending positive vibes out to lurkers dealing with their own. That guy could have really done something cool with his time. I wish I had some of that instinct that he had, or at least I wish I had that now - it was those characteristics that made him so hard to get a handle on.

[ztejas 43533]

42 minutes ago, Celery Man said:

I'm trying to think of the positive synonyms for stubborn and manipulative

He would put "determined and resourceful" on his resume. 

[ernest_t_bass 1196]

On 8/16/2020 at 7:25 AM, ernest_t_bass said:

Watching Catastrophe with my wife.  Rob's relapse almost had me in tears

And then a few episodes later where he had the "drunk" dream.  The reality was all sorts of uncomfortable. 

[BearSchlong 8111]

Checking in on day 20 of Covid.  This has been the hardest thing I've dealt with in sobriety.  Just glad to be safe, sane, and sober today.  This covid has taken a huge toll on my body and spirit, it's driven me to my knees.  Just the normal things like getting up, showering, showing up for work, forcing myself to eat enough calories (no taste or smell) are now huge things in my life.  I'm literally taking things minute by minute much of the time.  I don't have full blown pneumonia, but my chest xray shows congestion due to the virus.  There is this weird kind of insomnia where I can't relax enough to get into a restful sleep.  Last night I took melatonin and valarian root along with my doctor prescribed ambien and was able to get a little rest.

This whole thing is an exercise in getting from fear and anxiety into faith.  I've been praying continuously for God to heal me, for the strength to keep on keeping on.  I know that this too shall pass but it's been hard.

[ernest_t_bass 1196]

Hang in there, bear! 

[Reagan1k 3024]

Damn Bear.  Sorry to hear that. 

Hope you start to bounce back soon. 

[BearSchlong 8111]

Thanks everyone, today is better.  Feeling stronger.  

[pch 1261]

16 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

Thanks everyone, today is better.  Feeling stronger.  

Well DAYUUUM.  Haven't been here in a few days and just read about your situation.  Know this-after finishing this entry, I will ask for God's best for you and continue to do so every morning until you announce your results.  Thanks for sharing your experience, as painful as it may be. 

[BearSchlong 8111]

@pch thank you, my man.  I enjoyed what you wrote on the "is anyone here a Christian?" thread.

If there's anything that can focus me on ODAAT it's been this ordeal.  Grateful to be sober safe and sane today, and grateful to know that there's absolutely NOTHING that life on life's term's can put in front of me that I can't handle sober.  What a great way to live!

[BearSchlong 8111]

Covid and now a hurricane evacuation a week later.

 

Nope God, ain't nothing you can do to make me think of a drink.

 

Normal average temperate drinking wife does have a handle of Tito's in the bugout bag.

 

I can't wait til I'm not the focus of this thread. God bless the 330K people under mandatory evacuation who are in the grips of the disease. Historically events like this can be a strong catalyst for newcomers to approach AA.

 

Clancy Imusland died today. He was 91. A legend in his own mind. If you've never heard his story, google it, its well worth the listen.

 

 

[ztejas 43533]

9 minutes ago, BearSchlong said:

I can't wait til I'm not the focus of this thread.

Well I could go relapse again.

(Kidding)

I think this thread is here for you to air out whatever you need to, right? Sometimes just writing into the void is better than letting your thoughts swirl around in your head. 

I got my 60 days last Thursday. I've been struggling with my 3rd step - not in understanding it or being willing - just in application. Some strong cravings I haven't had in awhile. But, I'm learning that when I have those cravings its because there's something I'm not doing - either in the moment or in my program or in the big picture - and it's becoming easier to pinpoint what that is. 

My anxiety is manageable without using for the first time in a very long time. My depression comes and goes but I suspect that it always will. It isn't at all debilitating. 

Just gotta keep moving forward. 

[Celery Man 20996]

I don't remember enough of.... how long your history of abusive alcohol/drug use goes (mostly thinking how long you've had waves of depressions versus how long you've been in addiction) but I would try to not get worried about that now, or spend time thinking that 60 days out your brain chemistry is copacetic and whatever going on now is your forever future state (it's not). Work on handling it without using, stay optimistic, if it's still happening.... a year? from now maybe talk to a psychiatrist or someone who can help diagnose and treat a mood disorder. I am not an expert this is not good medical advice, just you're not back to normal yet and it's probably going to be a bit longer before you are.

I've heard people talk about step 3 like it's... an active relationship. "I asked God for help with a job how do I know he is helping me", stuff like that. For me, and this is a thing that I need to practice better, that is about letting go and making peace. Insert whatever adage about the primary thing about your concept of God needs to be that you aren't it. One of the thing that drives our addiction is our neurotic obsession with controlling things, our anxiety over things that are out of our hands, our frustration at people who are doing things or behaving differently than how we think they should. Turning our will and lives over to the care of God not us is about accepting and being at peace with lack of control. For me, and I'm not a person who has anger or opposition at the notion of a Judeo-Christian God, in the context of recovery "God" is really more about faith that doing the "right" thing consistently is the way to achieve positive results, and that things will ultimately be OK (even if I become destitute or die in a car fire). Karma, universal winds, whatever version of that, and perspective about my role in the universe and the relative fairness on a macro level if my life was cut short before I finished this sentence (not my preference but it would be OK). If I can get into a place where I have that as my foundation, when I'm in a situation where there's a ton of uncertainty, there's a very tempting bad choice, someone is being a massive dick towards me, things aren't working out as planned, maybe an awful thing is going to happen - OK. I should do the right thing and ultimately things will be fine. I can figure out what that is and be at peace about it. I don't need to drink, I'm not going to go crazy, I just need to try my best to do the right thing and then see what the next one is. Because I'm not going to will things into being what I want them to be, and while I'm in charge of what I do I don't get to completely control my life, which is OK.

[BearSchlong 8111]

Good stuff.

[mention=3794]ztejas[/mention] lol, no reason to pick up.

 

Sitting in a buddys guest room in Leander, boarded up the house yesterday in Beaumont and GTFO.

 

So the house or no house, job or no job concept is real to me, in 24 hours I should know whether or not I'm headed home or living away for a while.

 

But 500,000 other people are under mandatory evacuation orders, but im so concerned with me. . .lol (sarcasm).

 

Thats what qualifies me for this thread.

 

Edit - the Hurricane hasn't even hit yet and I've got survivors guilt for evacuating while people stayed. Im already counting the bodies in the trees. Lol. Play God much, BearSchlong? Yeah, I might be an alcoholic.

 

Don't pay much attention to me for the next 24 hours.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

Whew. Had one of the more vivid drinking dreams last night. I was so disgusted and disappointed with myself.

I'm at a somewhat remote family fishing cabin by myself, sober for the first time here since I was a kid. Drinking and fishing has been my thing for years here.

I haven't had a difficult time with it, but the drinking component on a trip like this hasn't been forgotten obviously.

840 days and gonna be 841 tomorrow. Promise you that.

 

Edited August 27, 2020 by BBQ2Bayou

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

Also, spoilers on the tv shows you drunk fuckers.

[BearSchlong 8111]

Whew. Had one of the more vivid drinking dreams last night. I was so disgusted and disappointed with myself.

I'm at a somewhat remote family fishing cabin by myself, sober for the first time here since I was a kid. Drinking and fishing has been my thing for years here.

I haven't had a difficult time with it, but the drinking component on a trip like this hasn't been forgotten obviously.

840 days and gonna be 841 tomorrow. Promise you that.

 

All good hurricane wise in Beaumont.

 

Have you had any drinking dreams that were so nuts, so out there?

 

I had one where my HS buddies and I had a reunion and somebody brought a duffel bag of cocaine and we all stuck our head in it and inhaled.

 

I've never done cocaine. Woke up from that one thinking wow WTF.

 

Had another where a guy brought a case of Budweiser to an AA meeting. Huh?

 

The best part is waking up and knowing it didn't happen.

 

[MaybeACoordinator 8349]

I had a vivid heroin dream in rehab -- I was in a port a can and this skanky chick came in there with me and forcibly blew smack up my nose. Heroin is one of the few drugs I've not done...(Mama did enough for both of us, lol.)

[ztejas 43533]

I have using dreams pretty frequently. But as of late, I'm always conscious that I'm either relapsing or have already relapsed and have to deal with the fallout. Especially with my parents. I had a dream a couple nights ago where I was planning my relapse. Like how to do it, when to do it, what I was going to do.

They shouldn't matter but they stick with you. I was almost disappointed with myself. But, you know, I woke up sober and the next day I woke up sober. 

That's why meetings are so important to me right now. It reminds me why I'm here and what I'm staying sober for.

[BearSchlong 8111]

Cocaine, not cochise. Wtf autocorrect?

Fixed now.

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk

[BearSchlong 8111]

The subconscious is working the program when you have a dream and get fucked up and think "oh no ive got to get another desire chip" before waking up.

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk

[ztejas 43533]

16 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

Cocaine, not cochise. Wtf autocorrect?

Fixed now.

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk
 

Cochise was leader of the Chihuicahui local group of the Chokonen and principal chief of the Chokonen band of the Chiricahua Apache. A key war leader during the Apache Wars, he led an uprising against the U.S. government which began in 1861, and persisted until a peace treaty in 1872. 

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cochise

[BearSchlong 8111]

8 hours ago, ztejas said:

Cochise was leader of the Chihuicahui local group of the Chokonen and principal chief of the Chokonen band of the Chiricahua Apache. A key war leader during the Apache Wars, he led an uprising against the U.S. government which began in 1861, and persisted until a peace treaty in 1872. 

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cochise

[JohnnyRage 1617]

 

Formed from the ashes of RATM and Soundgarden...

wait for it.

[Bash Riprock 1695]

Checking in.

Been sober for awhile now. I don't know about you guy's but waking up in the morning refreshed, clear headed and motivated is really really close to being intoxicated.

I AM SO GLAD, I no longer wake up in pain reaching for a beer to stop shaking.

Love you guys.

[BearSchlong 8111]

@Bash Riprock, did some math. . .you got 13 months coming up on Friday??

Helluva awesome way to live, for sure.

[Bash Riprock 1695]

Just now, BearSchlong said:

@Bash Riprock, did some math. . .you got 13 months coming up on Friday??

Helluva awesome way to live, for sure.

@BearSchlong you are correct! Thanks for knowing that good sir.

[Clintonaldo 2576]

So, my coworker comes back to work Tuesday. We have communicated every Saturday since he was been in rehab. What can I do to make his welcome back easy for him?

[Celery Man 20996]

Hmm.

I know for me, I was deathly afraid of coming back and... I'm not sure. They found out they didn't need me, I didn't have a place any more, I dunno. Stuff like that. I was a little afraid as well that maybe people were going to ask really probing questions and I would have a hard time answering. Maybe I'd suggest just making him feel like people are glad he's back, and hopefully that's accurate. On a more practical level, I would sometimes go to the lunchtime AA meeting near my office, which meant a full hour lunch typically. That was no problem for me or for our office culture, but there may be something like that that he might need support with or help communicating what that's about to the right people. I can't remember precisely the scenario with this guy, but having supportive people around and being made to feel welcome back is probably what you should strive for.

 

Congrats Bash! I don't think as much about the awful mornings (or whatever time I was waking up) as I used to, but it's... the worst thing I ever lived through.

 

Much more tolerable but also not great has been the period of unemployment I've been going through after being laid off from my job in aviation at the end of June. Just a bad weird time to be living in a groundhog day cycle of the same shit all the time, not having a lot of power over things, not being sure what is in store, what the future looks like, etc. I had my hopes up really high with a product owner job in a really cool space with drones, but the salary was definitely a startup salary and wasn't going to work. That was a big let down - just the cycle, both in length of time and the connected emotional rollercoaster, of getting far enough along in that process to get an offer and then it isn't close. That sucked. Feeling like you're really close, and then basically back to square one. However, I don't have an official offer but I got off the phone earlier with a biosciences company I had gotten through three rounds with and they said I'll have an offer at the end of the week. I'm still anxious something happening between now and then, but we talked directly about salary and no problem there. It's in North Carolina, which I'm excited about, they're going to help with relocation, the job is a good blend of familiar and challenging with more of an emphasis on the type of stuff where I think I have the best chance to grow my career. So, I'm excited. Not relaxed yet, but I can almost taste being out from this cloud of uncertainty and impending doom. It may just be from sitting in poor ergonomic positions but I think I have stress related lower back pain right now. Maybe I'm just getting old. Either way, I've been a ball of stress for a long time and there's a light at the end of the tunnel, so it's a good day.

 

 

[Celery Man 20996]

also my wife is pregnant, reasonably certain it is mine. ohboy here we go

[UpperWestside 6188]

I stopped drinking in January and I am glad I did. The story is a long one I won’t share, but I stopped. AA has not been part of my recovery and there is a reason for that that I also will keep to myself. I do respect AA and think they have and continue to help out many folks who are in desperate need of a helping hand. I read this thread ever so often and it’s cool to see y’all support one another so well. We could use more kindness in this world.

[Celery Man 20996]

Don't hesitate to jump in here if you struggle, brother.

 

[BearSchlong 8111]

also my wife is pregnant, reasonably certain it is mine. ohboy here we go

Congratulations!!!!

 

I love that Leo McGarry scene.

[UpperWestside 6188]

I will do that. I found the answers I needed as to the why I drank, but it was not an easy process to get to the root cause. Thankfully I know the why of things and the easy part is honestly not drinking because I never enjoyed the taste of anything I ever drank. I realize how hard giving it up can be. I’ll do my best to check in here more often and provide support to those who need it and deserve it. Y’all really are doing God’s work in being so supportive to each other.

[Reagan1k 3024]

Glad you are here.  Glad you could stop and stay stopped (without going batshit crazy).  

Whatever works to stay sober and sane......!

[Celery Man 20996]

Got the full offer. I have to pass a drug test (fingers crossed) but I should be in the clear. Really nice relocation package too. The following tl;dr is an unorganized collection of thoughts documented in real time. If you'd like to imagine the 5 minute sound going off near the end of the second paragraph, and then me picking up the pace to finish my thought before handing it off to the next person to share, it would help me feel like I participated in an AA meeting.

I'll shut the fuck up about my good fortune or using this as the "talk about things goin on in my world" thread, but... actually, I feel like people point to the promises, and sometimes it feels a bit like bullshit. Or at least, it can seem like "hey if you do the right things, this big glowy humanoid God character in the clouds who is watching all of your shit is going to come fix your life up real good", and I suspect that that may be bullshit. Anyone who spends any time around recovering addicts at all knows that sometimes people do the right things, but do them too late. Or that people do the right things but just have shit luck. Or whatever it is. And so maybe sometimes if I point to a "promises" thing, or whatever instance of "stuff was all scary and bad and then things resolved perfectly", I feel like I'm gloating or maybe doing some sort of weird shaming on people who don't experience the same good fortune that I come across so easily. But this is one of those things. The anxiety around work (both in paying bills and in that nagging self doubt that my earlier success was a fluke and it's back to reality time), but also we thought that maybe we wouldn't be able to get pregnant. I've been coming to terms with the idea that I'm not going to get to participate in that part of the human experience. I'm not going to claim victory there yet and frankly my superstitious side is saying I should shut the fuck up about it.

This is a big rambly thing - I think maybe... if you keep trying, keep your head up, keep not drinking for long enough, stuff will often come along that works out nicely. Whether it's the thing you wanted to come along or something else that is nice and good or even better. Because not drinking, keeping your head up, trying, doing the right things - all of that stuff breeds success and opportunity. Both through the very nature of progress, the attraction that people have towards little engines that can, and potentially through the almighty index finger of God, or his divine wind/karmic scale/noodly appendage/what have you. And regardless, doing all of those things is a more enjoyable way to live even before the "things all come together" moment than giving up and trying to kill your problems with booze.

[UpperWestside 6188]

On 9/3/2020 at 12:06 PM, Reagan1k said:

Glad you are here.  Glad you could stop and stay stopped (without going batshit crazy).  

Whatever works to stay sober and sane......!

When I put the bottle down I went cold turkey and never had a craving for it. The entirety of the story is a bit long, but the last night I drank was not a good time to say the least. The things that have happened this year as a result of no longer drinking have been incredible. I do not wish to say a great about being overly blessed because I know it is a gigantic struggle for many people to walk away from drinking and their experience is not the one I have had. I wish we lived in a world where things like this did not happen, but this is part of the human experience that is not fun in any way, shape, form or fashion. It’s good to be able to try and help our fellow man or woman when they are at a dead end and need help. This thread provides that and that’s awesome!

Edited September 5, 2020 by UpperWestside

[Reagan1k 3024]

12 hours ago, Celery Man said:

Got the full offer. I have to pass a drug test (fingers crossed) but I should be in the clear. Really nice relocation package too. The following tl;dr is an unorganized collection of thoughts documented in real time. If you'd like to imagine the 5 minute sound going off near the end of the second paragraph, and then me picking up the pace to finish my thought before handing it off to the next person to share, it would help me feel like I participated in an AA meeting.

I'll shut the fuck up about my good fortune or using this as the "talk about things goin on in my world" thread, but... actually, I feel like people point to the promises, and sometimes it feels a bit like bullshit. Or at least, it can seem like "hey if you do the right things, this big glowy humanoid God character in the clouds who is watching all of your shit is going to come fix your life up real good", and I suspect that that may be bullshit. Anyone who spends any time around recovering addicts at all knows that sometimes people do the right things, but do them too late. Or that people do the right things but just have shit luck. Or whatever it is. And so maybe sometimes if I point to a "promises" thing, or whatever instance of "stuff was all scary and bad and then things resolved perfectly", I feel like I'm gloating or maybe doing some sort of weird shaming on people who don't experience the same good fortune that I come across so easily. But this is one of those things. The anxiety around work (both in paying bills and in that nagging self doubt that my earlier success was a fluke and it's back to reality time), but also we thought that maybe we wouldn't be able to get pregnant. I've been coming to terms with the idea that I'm not going to get to participate in that part of the human experience. I'm not going to claim victory there yet and frankly my superstitious side is saying I should shut the fuck up about it.

This is a big rambly thing - I think maybe... if you keep trying, keep your head up, keep not drinking for long enough, stuff will often come along that works out nicely. Whether it's the thing you wanted to come along or something else that is nice and good or even better. Because not drinking, keeping your head up, trying, doing the right things - all of that stuff breeds success and opportunity. Both through the very nature of progress, the attraction that people have towards little engines that can, and potentially through the almighty index finger of God, or his divine wind/karmic scale/noodly appendage/what have you. And regardless, doing all of those things is a more enjoyable way to live even before the "things all come together" moment than giving up and trying to kill your problems with booze.

Congrats on the offer!  So happy it worked out.

The promises for me were hard to understand and even harder to experience (or realize I had experienced them).  My sponsor made me go line by line and hammered home that they don’t deal with outcomes being good- but instead they deal with my actions and reactions to both good and bad outcomes or circumstances.

 The classic example is regarding financial insecurity.  He hammered home it doesn’t say financial insecurity will leave (like our brains want to read it).  It says that the fear of that will leave.

So happy you have walked through this entire experience sober and with some serenity.  God speed in the new adventure.

[TwiceHorn 31534]

That's why this resonates with me:

When you can say "we'll see" with equanimity, you're most of the way there.

Also, wtf with "Aquilippa"?  I had always thought it was Aliquippa, PA, but this movie made me think I was wrong.  I was right all along.

Edited September 5, 2020 by TwiceHorn

[Celery Man 20996]

I was hoping someone would pick up the ball next and put in a more nuanced view of the promises. I need to go back and read the words again. And in fact, of course, through the entire process of both fearing for my future in terms of jobs, kids, even where we are going to be (we were trying to relocate), that was the real area where I needed to work on getting my head right. Not letting the fear consume me, not getting too wrapped up in the uncertainty.  Thanks, that's really helpful to me.

[Reagan1k 3024]

Yeah- the old adage is for me to only read the black print on the white pages and set aside what I think it says until I really read and absorb it.

The Charlie Wilson clip / the parable of the farmer are that beam I strive to fly.  Pain is what causes me to know it’s time to recalibrate course. 

Often times,  my best prayer in the morning is simply “Ok God.... whatever.” And at night....simply “Oh well.”