I'm An Alcoholic

[ernest_t_bass 1196]

Topo Chico + your favorite juice is a nice refreshing cocktail you can make yourself.

[ernest_t_bass 1196]

2 hours ago, JohnnyRage said:

If you are looking to pass some time try finding a good AA meeting. A bad AA meeting can be somewhat of a chore, but a good AA meeting is on par with church, therapy, and friendship. 

Will rep you, but I disagree with church.  Church isn't on par with anything.

[gasman 114]

I certainly had some emotional swings (both high and low) as my internal brain chemistry normalized. It will improve. I think you are on the right path regarding finding something productive to do with your time. Exercise, AA meetings, reading, working on a home project or hobby.... Whatever you find that constructively occupies your time and mind is a good choice. Looking back now, I get so much stuff done in that idle time were I was too toasted to do anything before. Sounds like you are on the right course. 

[TexArcher 37774]

9 hours ago, Caver60 said:

Damn, man. That did cut to the quick. I didn't tell her. And I've been round and round the implications of that, especially after your post.

This will be 6 days. 

Got some good sleep the past two nights and that helps. Strange diarrhea for a couple of days in there. Main thing now is that I feel sort of sullen. I don't know what to do with my time. My wife is noticing that. She thinks that I'm unhappy, even offered me a drink last night. I'm beginning to understand the whole "find something to do that adds meaning to your life" line of thinking. It's sort of distressing that there is this big of a hole to fill.

The best advice I have is to find a new hobby, something you didn't do while drinking.  It sounds frivolous, but it's not.  If you're like most of us, all of the things you typically do are associated in your brain with drinking.

So pick up something new, preferably something that requires concentration.  Learning an instrument would be ideal.  Or take a cooking class.  Whatever interests you.  It doesn't have to be some big life-altering commitment.  It's just something to commit your time and mental energy to.  And if it's something you can get some sense of accomplishment from learning (again, an instrument), all the better.

Whatever you do, don't sit around bored.

If you can't think of anything else to do, take a long walk.  Exercise helps on every level.

Hang in there.  It gets better.

Edited July 22, 2018 by TexArcher

[JohnnyRage 1617]

Gayjunhorned

[Dertyberd 394]

“Driving Without Vodka” is my awesome band name for the day. 6 months. Grateful. Much love gentlemen. Push on. 

[FartingMonk 3606]

I downloaded the big book last night and started reading through it again last night.  I just keep laughing at it because it makes me see how not unique my situation is.  It's like the whole damn thing speaks to me.

[Dewey 3286]

Indeed, and was written the 1930s and ain't shit changed with the alcoholic. We've all been doing the same dumb shit since alcohol made the scene.

[TwiceHorn 31470]

I'll add to the recommendations about hobbies and whatnot.  Yes, you will need a time-filler because of the unholy amount of time you sucked up being fucked up.  But one of the best things to do, if you can find the opportunity, is to work with others, as in volunteering.  Inside your head has been a very dangerous place to be for you for a while, and one of the best places to keep out of your own head is where you are actively involved with others, not just socially.  If you are like most of us, you could be in a room full of people and totally alone.  That doesn't usually work if you are actively doing something.

[Reagan1k 3024]

2 hours ago, FartingMonk said:

I downloaded the big book last night and started reading through it again last night.  I just keep laughing at it because it makes me see how not unique my situation is.  It's like the whole damn thing speaks to me.

Heard a speaker say that our biggest folly is thinking that we are unique / different....in fact I recall him saying it was our main sin.

Hobbies are great but your newly sober mind has a lot of healing to do.  Twice is spot on as usual - immersing yourself being of service is the for-sure way to spend time outside of your own head in a healthy endeavor while you heal/grow and can avoid your picking up a new replacement addiction that might not be productive long term.

[BearSchlong 8093]

I spend a lot of time at the halfway house, reading the big book with my pigeons and dragging them to meetings. That gives me so much satisfaction. When I walk up the driveway all my trivial problems melt away and I get into gratitude.

My home group had its 45th anniversary yesterday, lots of food, speaker meetings, and reminiscing. So bless.

[TexArcher 37774]

5 hours ago, FartingMonk said:

I downloaded the big book last night and started reading through it again last night.  I just keep laughing at it because it makes me see how not unique my situation is.  It's like the whole damn thing speaks to me.

I had that same realization early on.

One of the biggest obstacles in my drinking life was the deep, unspoken, almost unconscious belief that I was broken and everyone else was okay.

The best thing I've learned from AA (and elsewhere) is that absolutely everyone is broken.  And we're all trying to put ourselves back together from something.  And that's okay.  A lot of people succeed.

[Reagan1k 3024]

Grateful to be sober this morning.

I get the opportunity to see this AA design for living in action today - Just found out a good employee stole from me.

Thankfully my 1st reaction wasn't to go ballistic... May sound cliche but my initial thought was to wonder how I should handle this in the context of the MY program.

I may still make a mistake here...who knows........ but at least I have a chance to think this through, consider the other person, and hopefully react in a manner that is productive and not destructive to myself and my serenity.

Man, that would have been a helluva reason to drink a few years ago - justified drinking was "fun".

Walk with purpose my friends - 

[Sparky 149]

20 hours ago, FartingMonk said:

I downloaded the big book last night and started reading through it again last night.  I just keep laughing at it because it makes me see how not unique my situation is.  It's like the whole damn thing speaks to me.

When I first started reading thru it I was wondering who had been spying on me and writing about it.  Goes for personal stories I hear in meetings, I want to say "no you didn't do that, I did".

[El Diablo 4232]

@Reagan1k , nothing like drinking "at" someone or something. Hey, we earned it! Sometimes I find that just taking myself out of a situation brings about the best end result. Letting things play out without my fingers stirring the pot so to speak. I realize in your case that won't be possible but just pausing first? That would be progress for me.

Edited July 23, 2018 by El Diablo

[Reagan1k 3024]

Yep - the old "let me drink this poison and hope the other person dies" routine.

I'm powerless over everything but my actions and reactions......FO-SHO

[Kennythetiger 9382]

Yes sir, Diablo.  The excuses I could find to drink were never-ending.  Nothing like someone else "wronging" me....  That was probably my favorite one.

Good lord we're some fucked-up individuals.

[FartingMonk 3606]

If I could flip flop my excuses for drinking and working out I'd be swoll as fuck.

 

Me with working out.  Well you didn't hydrate enough today.  It won't be effective.  You didn't get enough sleep.  It is going to take too long.  So I don't go.

Me with drinking:  well the sun did rise 10 minutes late today so you got 10 extra minutes.  Say no more fam.

[deadshank 24653]

My "perfect" BIL just checked himself into rehab for the booze.  According to my wife, he's always been so great, life of the party, so interesting, the easiest to talk to, such a friend, plenty of money to lavish on his old lady.  Shit started to unravel pretty quick lately.  Everyone has a weakness  

I love my BIL and knew he has a problem a while ago.  Tried to soft sell him slowing it down but to no avail.  I wish the best for him, pray for him and will support him in his recovery.  

You guys that are recovering have guts to admit to your problems and do something about it.  Good for you. Proud of you all. 

[El Diablo 4232]

1 hour ago, deadshank said:

My "perfect" BIL just checked himself into rehab for the booze.  According to my wife, he's always been so great, life of the party, so interesting, the easiest to talk to, such a friend, plenty of money to lavish on his old lady.  Shit started to unravel pretty quick lately.  Everyone has a weakness  

I love my BIL and knew he has a problem a while ago.  Tried to soft sell him slowing it down but to no avail.  I wish the best for him, pray for him and will support him in his recovery.  

You guys that are recovering have guts to admit to your problems and do something about it.  Good for you. Proud of you all. 

Reminds me of a guy I met in the program years ago. He had somehow stumbled up the ladder of success for a good bit of his life as an active alcoholic. Dated 10's, always being promoted, life of the party, great looking, great athlete. Only he was a wreck inside and at some point the booze stopped working. He realized it before anyone else bothered to tell him he had a problem, even though he'd given them cause at times. Not that it would have mattered if he wasn't ready. Let's hope your BIL is ready.  

[Kennythetiger 9382]

Caught the last part of "Crazy Heart" on one of the movie channels last night.  That damn song "The Weary Kind" gives me goosebumps every time I hear it.  Mr. Bingham was touring a lot more several years ago, and I used to drive all over hell just to see his shows and listen to that song.  Pretty chilling song when you combine it with his family's past.

[FartingMonk 3606]

So I went to my first meeting tonight in over 3 years.  It's a lot different when you go there on your own free will instead of going there because you need a piece of paper signed.  I think I'll be going back.

[TwiceHorn 31470]

8 minutes ago, FartingMonk said:

So I went to my first meeting tonight in over 3 years.  It's a lot different when you go there on your own free will instead of going there because you need a piece of paper signed.  I think I'll be going back.

Good deal.  When they start getting boring and repetitive and don't seem to be offering you much (this will happen), flip the script and see what you can offer others, and I don't necessarily mean by sharing, or sponsoring if you aren't ready.  Meet the newbs.  Share with them what you've learned and experienced on a personal level.  Make the coffee. Put out the chairs/put them back.  Offer to give people rides home or to meetings. 

 

I heard a guy on NPR talking about recovery from PTSD from an incident of workplace violence where he was severely injured.  One of the most therapeutic things for him was what he called altruism.  What we tend to call being of service to others.

[FartingMonk 3606]

i'm an altruistic person by nature as it is.

[Dewey 3286]

Think my sponsor might have slipped, I'm almost positive. Going into hiding is a pretty good sign, coming out of hiding and giving a bizarre reason for hiding, being temperamental. Hate to judge, but it is what it is. AA is great and through no fault of their own, we have to take people back, it gives a person an excuse to.go back.out again, as they know we'll all be here when they need help again. Even the ones with years of sobriety under their belt know, deep in their concious they can slip. And when we forget that slipping can kill us, wreck our lives, re-wreck our lives...

As a sponsor for others, it reinforces that I have an obligation. I had been pretty damn good and while I didnt want to drink yesterday, I did need a sober person to talk to, someone who understands the difficulty in facing challenges sober and he wasnt there.

I can feel my anger, but anger has no place in my life, I'm just sitting back waiting for him. Calls and text dont work, seeing him yesterday was a major disappointment, I know he'll call soon... when my day is done, I'll slip by his house.

Dont use AA as a crutch, use it to better your life.

[JohnnyRage 1617]

I’m highly dubious that people willingly slip up because they know “The hand of AA will always  be there.”

Sounds like you are harboring a resentment over it, highly understandable. But it serves no purpose and it is preventing you from serving your purpose.

Edited July 30, 2018 by JohnnyRage

[TwiceHorn 31470]

7 minutes ago, JohnnyRage said:

I’m highly dubious that people willingly slip up because they know “The hand of AA will always  be there.”

Sounds like you are harboring a resentment over it, highly understandable. But it serves no purpose and it is preventing you from serving your purpose.

Great analysis of it.

[BearSchlong 8093]

On 7/21/2018 at 12:06 PM, Celery Man said:

Hang in there, and do things to distract yourself from what's going on with your mood.  Because your mood in the early stages of sobriety isn't reflective of the new normal or reality.

I don't know anything about this site, how reputable it is, etc, but it basically talks about the concept that was really helpful (and made a whole lot of sense for what was going on with me) from one of Dr. Boone's talks when I was at La Hacienda.

http://www.iflscience.com/brain/what-happens-alcoholics-brains-when-they-quit-drinking/..

Dopamine is responsible for a lot of your mood, substance use triggers dopamine in the brain, long term abuse fries the dopamine receptors and changes how that works in the brain (instead of feeling good you feel normal).  When you get out of the cycle of introducing the substance, you first go into a state where everything is gray and bleak, and then go into a state where everything starts waking back up and everything is shiny and wonderful (google pink cloud syndrome).  Neither of these states are normal.  Know that, because you need to know that to help understand what's going on with you as you get through early sobriety.  The brain will recover, things will normalize, your moods will stabilize.  If you decide to change your life, you may need to introduce new hobbies and patterns to replace the old ones and help you abstain long term, but that's a different thing than filling the deep dark abyss in your stomach and filling out the flat gray world around you.  That's your brain chemistry, it will change.

The problem with quitting drinking (or using porn, or heroin, or spending money) is that you have to quit drinking (or using porn, or heroin, or spending money).

I absolutely love this description.  Went to a meeting last night where we had a bunch of people with 1 week - 1 month of dry time and I could sense this in them.

On 7/30/2018 at 8:31 AM, Dewey said:

Think my sponsor might have slipped, I'm almost positive. Going into hiding is a pretty good sign, coming out of hiding and giving a bizarre reason for hiding, being temperamental. Hate to judge, but it is what it is. AA is great and through no fault of their own, we have to take people back, it gives a person an excuse to.go back.out again, as they know we'll all be here when they need help again. Even the ones with years of sobriety under their belt know, deep in their concious they can slip. And when we forget that slipping can kill us, wreck our lives, re-wreck our lives...

As a sponsor for others, it reinforces that I have an obligation. I had been pretty damn good and while I didnt want to drink yesterday, I did need a sober person to talk to, someone who understands the difficulty in facing challenges sober and he wasnt there.

I can feel my anger, but anger has no place in my life, I'm just sitting back waiting for him. Calls and text dont work, seeing him yesterday was a major disappointment, I know he'll call soon... when my day is done, I'll slip by his house.

Dont use AA as a crutch, use it to better your life.

1) not all slips involve alcohol.  I'm in my 8th year of sobriety and from time to time I can dive into a hole of isolation.  Just because I'm sober doesn't mean I'm cured.  Good on you for looking after him.  I 12 stepped my first sponsor when I was 5 months sober and it gave me tremendous compassion because it shows how that could be me if I let up.  Ask him what's up, and always remember what is written on AA chips - "To thine own self be true"

2) Good lord I hope I never ever ever look at AA in the context of "oh a slip isn't bad, I can always go back" - because I know me, and I know it would be a helluva long time before I made it back - if I made it back before dying of active alcoholism.  I hear old timers say all the time that "I know I have another drunk in me, I don't know if I have another sobering up in me".  As defiant and hardheaded as I am, that makes perfect sense to me.  I'm sober because a confluence of horrible events got my attention, and have kept it thus far.

3) I too believe that sponsorship imparts a sort of accountability - how can I suggest that people do things like read, meditate, and pray if I'm not willing to do those things myself? For me, it was out of town meetings - I'd have sponsees tell me they were going out of town for work, or vacation, and I'd recommend that they catch a meeting at their destination - then I'd go on trips and not go to meetings - which is why now I make it a point to do that.

[BearSchlong 8093]

On 7/30/2018 at 8:31 AM, Dewey said:

Think my sponsor might have slipped, I'm almost positive. Going into hiding is a pretty good sign, coming out of hiding and giving a bizarre reason for hiding, being temperamental. Hate to judge, but it is what it is. AA is great and through no fault of their own, we have to take people back, it gives a person an excuse to.go back.out again, as they know we'll all be here when they need help again. Even the ones with years of sobriety under their belt know, deep in their concious they can slip. And when we forget that slipping can kill us, wreck our lives, re-wreck our lives...

As a sponsor for others, it reinforces that I have an obligation. I had been pretty damn good and while I didnt want to drink yesterday, I did need a sober person to talk to, someone who understands the difficulty in facing challenges sober and he wasnt there.

I can feel my anger, but anger has no place in my life, I'm just sitting back waiting for him. Calls and text dont work, seeing him yesterday was a major disappointment, I know he'll call soon... when my day is done, I'll slip by his house.

Dont use AA as a crutch, use it to better your life.

Any updates, Dewey?

 

[Dewey 3286]

Hes "detoxing" with a bottle of wine. Wasnt returning my calls or text because he didnt know where his phone was, I found it under his bed. The people who need to know, know. I dont have any lithium, so I'd rather him drink right now, hes too old to white knuckle detox. When hes done getting his ass kicked, theres a bed for him.

[El Diablo 4232]

Lots of people use AA as a safety net of sorts. They find that they can go there and with a little effort get their boss, their old lady, the judge, life in general, whoever/whatever.. off of their back. 

It's hard to know what a persons motivations are for being in the program, they are quite varied. Some of them are very shallow. I certainly won't discount the possibility that an individual would spend time and effort in the program only to tear it all down with the curious thought in the back of their head all along that they can always come back. Maybe even a planned drunk of sorts. Some are sicker than others.  

[Dewey 3286]

I hear ya, this is deeper I think. When he did his 5th step, he had to find a stranger and tell that person about something he did. Still bothers him.

[El Diablo 4232]

2 hours ago, Dewey said:

I hear ya, this is deeper I think. When he did his 5th step, he had to find a stranger and tell that person about something he did. Still bothers him.

Hmm. Hopefully he gets back in the program. Do you know his sponsor?

[Dewey 3286]

I’m highly dubious that people willingly slip up because they know “The hand of AA will always  be there.”
Sounds like you are harboring a resentment over it, highly understandable. But it serves no purpose and it is preventing you from serving your purpose.

I was, thanks for bringing that to my attention, I didnt feel anger, but looking at things, there was some resentment. If that makes sense. I looked back and it didnt take long for me to think how thankful I am to him. He saved my life.

[Reagan1k 3024]

21 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

2) Good lord I hope I never ever ever look at AA in the context of "oh a slip isn't bad, I can always go back" - because I know me, and I know it would be a helluva long time before I made it back - if I made it back before dying of active alcoholism.  I hear old timers say all the time that "I know I have another drunk in me, I don't know if I have another sobering up in me".  As defiant and hardheaded as I am, that makes perfect sense to me.  I'm sober because a confluence of horrible events got my attention, and have kept it thus far.

Me too!  When I was about a year sober I had the random thought that if something ever happened and I slipped, it wouldn't be too bad because I'd know how to jump right back into AA and "start quitting" again - that lasted about 30 seconds until it dawned on me that if it was that easy for me to stop drinking I wouldn't have burned up 7 years before finally giving in and asking for help. 

That was clearly my disease infiltrating my thinking.  I told on myself and never looked back.

I think the ...."I'll know how to go back into AA" mentality is akin to playing Russian roulette with all 6 cylinders loaded. 

When you decide to dance with a gorilla (alcohol), you stop dancing when the gorilla is tired....not you!

[El Diablo 4232]

All I know is, my mind is a dangerous neighborhood and it's best for me to not go there alone.

[BearSchlong 8093]

Dewey - man it sucks that he's drinking, but this whole episode should be an amazing learning opportunity for you.

I've been going to the 7am meeting at the halfway house every morning this week.  Amazing how there are Ivy league educated lawyers sitting next to guys on the installment plan, i.e. making time payments to TDC for various felonies.  Really has helped tremendously with my humility.

The other night I had a dream that I was snorting meth. I've never done meth.  I've never snorted a drug.  But it was so vivid and real.  5 years ago I had a dream where I shoved my head into a duffle bag full of cocaine and just inhaled.  Cunning, baffling, powerful?? ah, yeah.

I'm so looking forward to the Lakeside Conference in Brownwood.

Diablo, I have no problem swinging by and picking you up on the way if you want - https://lakesideconference.org/

https://lakesideconference.org/docs/LakesideConference2018.pdf

It's a guys trip this year since my fiance will be in NOLA taking her wedding pictures that weekend.

 

Edited August 2, 2018 by BearSchlong

[Kennythetiger 9382]

Wedding pictures without you?  Something you need to tell us?

[Reagan1k 3024]

Sounds like he’s a smart MFer.  Those pics aren’t about him !!!

[BearSchlong 8093]

Her in the dress at the gardens at city park, and Audubon park, and on the levee with the quarter in the background, and in Algeirs Pointe. None of my business at all.

[Kennythetiger 9382]

It was one of those jokes that was funnier in my head than out loud. Never heard of that practice here in the Midwest. I’m surprised those girls have enough guts to do that- I’d probably tear the damn thing or spill something on it. 

[El Diablo 4232]

On ‎8‎/‎2‎/‎2018 at 9:15 AM, BearSchlong said:

Dewey - man it sucks that he's drinking, but this whole episode should be an amazing learning opportunity for you.

I've been going to the 7am meeting at the halfway house every morning this week.  Amazing how there are Ivy league educated lawyers sitting next to guys on the installment plan, i.e. making time payments to TDC for various felonies.  Really has helped tremendously with my humility.

The other night I had a dream that I was snorting meth. I've never done meth.  I've never snorted a drug.  But it was so vivid and real.  5 years ago I had a dream where I shoved my head into a duffle bag full of cocaine and just inhaled.  Cunning, baffling, powerful?? ah, yeah.

I'm so looking forward to the Lakeside Conference in Brownwood.

Diablo, I have no problem swinging by and picking you up on the way if you want - https://lakesideconference.org/

https://lakesideconference.org/docs/LakesideConference2018.pdf

It's a guys trip this year since my fiance will be in NOLA taking her wedding pictures that weekend.

 

You staying onsite or at a hotel?

[BearSchlong 8093]

You staying onsite or at a hotel?

Onsite. Come on it'll be fun.

[Reagan1k 3024]

Been pretty stressed about company finances (that bleeds over into personal obviously- its my ship) and have been getting strung out by a client to the tune of about $400k in receivables for an order on which I already paid for the material 30+ days ago.......so my working capital is thread-thin. 

Prayer helps, meditation and reading helps, but I'll be damned if I didn't get jumped this week by two guys both desperate for sobriety and working with them has been the best peace I could imagine.  I got in my car after some step work with one of them yesterday and realized that for over an hour the thought of me had not even come near my mind.

I was free.  And the positive hangover effect lasted all night.  My shit will work its way out - one way or the other, but the gift of working with others has been god doing for me what I can't do for myself.

Trudge (to walk with purpose) on my fellow travelers.

[Dertyberd 394]

Good stuff.  It's amazing how it works.  

We were reading the part at the end of Bill's story where he talks about fellowship/AAs all around us the other day in a meeting and it hit me.  I sure as shit wasn't a believer in God when I first came in, and still don't care much for organized religion, but I'll be damned if everyone at that beginners meeting, especially the anxious new folks struggling to sit still aren't a little piece of God.  There's hope in those rooms and I can feel it all around. When I'm worrying about some work/external bs and look at men/women who a few days ago had been overwhelmed with despair, hopelessness, or whatever horrible thoughts brought them in to seek something different, it makes my soul happy.  Hope and the will to live is a beautiful thing, especially when you know what the other side looks like.  Much love.

[El Diablo 4232]

There's blessings everywhere if we can just stop for a moment to see them.

[El Diablo 4232]

Happy belly button birthday to ya @BearSchlong , you're a life saver! Literally. (I think I used that right)

[JohnnyRage 1617]

What if I told you that there was a way to remember the football season?

Edited August 17, 2018 by JohnnyRage

[Celery Man 20949]

It has been convenient to forget.

There are probably other threads for this, but I've become obsessed with Waterloo sparkling water.  Grapefruit and Watermelon.  Coconut, but you have to go to Central Market to find it.

[pch 1259]

Going to see my son in Cali Thursday.  His 35th birthday is Saturday and it will be the first one I have spent celebrating with him since he was two.  Drank my way out of the marriage & chose booze over being present in his life until he turned 16, found the amends letter I wrote my wife, and made contact with me. Grateful that this design for living has allowed us to reconnect on a level that neither of us could have imagined.  He is in day five of his journey and I am asking for God's best in his return to the program.  We will be going to meetings this weekend together-one of the many gifts this program has given me and one more reason to stay sober.