I'm An Alcoholic

[TwiceHorn 31438]

Continuing on the notion of Sarkisian as a head football coach in recovery.

As noted earlier, having a job where having approximately 100 people (players and staff) do as you will them to is a really tough racket for a recovering alcoholic.  The coach who rages, wheedles, and cajoles just isn't really compatible with recovery, particularly early-ish recovery.  I think you either have to be really advanced in that department, or skilled in a way that most alcoholics are not.

Which may be why very few "bigtime" or successful coaches are recovered alcoholics.

It is kind of appearing outwardly that Steve is not exerting sufficient will over his players or his staff to have a successful season, and possibly career as a head coach.  Certainly at this point in time.

I might guess that at Alabama, the nature of the program and Saban is such that an OC doesn't have a whole lot of need to attempt to exert will over players or position coaches.  He just has to teach and scheme, mostly.

 

[Kennythetiger 9375]

[BearSchlong 8083]

Good meditation.

I sure as hell have gotten better, but if I'm honest I still spend a whole lot of time fighting myself.  Time for me to go find some new sponsees so I can tell them to stop fighting themselves, because when I'm doing that, I'm focused on them and not even thinking about fighting myself. That's what works for me.

I literally just have to sit on my hands and surrender everything or I will drive myself nuts.

[JohnnyRage 1617]

Quote

A.A. taught me how to get organized…

??

That’s actually a great side topic - 

Name one thing the program/‘or your method’ has taught you.

[JohnnyRage 1617]

For me, immediately, or as soon as possible, rectifying an emotional mistake so that I don’t have to carry that baggage at all.

[Kennythetiger 9375]

2 hours ago, JohnnyRage said:

??

That’s actually a great side topic - 

Name one thing the program/‘or your method’ has taught you.

That I’m not as important as I think I am. 
I’m also not as horrible as I think I am. 

[Reagan1k 3024]

As long as I'm sober, there are no BIG DEALS, just situations to walk/work through.

God supplies the shovel and I do the digging.

If I'm obsessing about something or in a state of worry I have to write it down and tell it to someone else or it'll just grow larger and more consuming.

 

Edited November 17, 2021 by Reagan1k

[JohnnyRage 1617]

7 minutes ago, Reagan1k said:

As long as I'm sober, there are no BIG DEALS, just situations to walk/work through.

God supplies the shovel and I do the digging.

If I'm obsessing about something or in a state of worry I have to write it down and tell it to someone else or it'll just grown larger and more consuming.

 

I love the use of the word 'obsessing'. I think most of what I was/am dealing with is obsessive thinking. My Alcohol Use Disorder was one of my obsessions. Being the only one in a co-dependent relationship was another. Being mostly fear based, another. Any obsessive thinking blocks me from spiritual path and my higher calling.

[FartingMonk 3606]

And here is why I'm so fucked up.  I thought I could have solved it.  I told them all.  So when I quit.  I told my boss it wasn't because of the pay raise.  I told him it was because the way they were going it was going to make the national news.  3 months after I quit.  They made the national news.  I'm pretty sure they have gone on with their loves, but those 2 that didn't make it home.  I guilt myself saying I could have stayed and spoke louder and they wouldn't have made the news.

[BearSchlong 8083]

11 hours ago, JohnnyRage said:

I love the use of the word 'obsessing'. I think most of what I was/am dealing with is obsessive thinking. My Alcohol Use Disorder was one of my obsessions. Being the only one in a co-dependent relationship was another. Being mostly fear based, another. Any obsessive thinking blocks me from spiritual path and my higher calling.

That's the God fallacy, if I only obsess over it harder, or in a different way, or over a different thing - then I can get satisfaction.

It's been said that life is a constant attempt to crawl back into the womb.

 

6 hours ago, FartingMonk said:

And here is why I'm so fucked up.  I thought I could have solved it.  I told them all.  So when I quit.  I told my boss it wasn't because of the pay raise.  I told him it was because the way they were going it was going to make the national news.  3 months after I quit.  They made the national news.  I'm pretty sure they have gone on with their loves, but those 2 that didn't make it home.  I guilt myself saying I could have stayed and spoke louder and they wouldn't have made the news.

That's tough.

The thing that comes to mind is "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I certainly can't cure it."

[BearSchlong 8083]

Lately I've been meditating on something central to the program, mainly that happiness is an inside job.  There's nothing out there that's going to give me satisfaction.

That God sized hole in my soul.

Whole buncha stuff flying around today, wife's bff got into her (I suspect he has what I have) husband's phone. . .y'all know what she found.

My first thought was fear of missing out.  My 2nd thought was "No.  I'm sober and I know without a shadow of a doubt that first thought was the disease"

The comment I made to my wife in jest was "Honey I'm jealous. All this pussy flying around town and I ain't getting none of it. I feel left out."

So that particular circle of friends but mainly acquaintances, it's strange, it's like everyone exists on a superficial plane.  A dozen or so "couples" that all end up at the same social events/cookouts/music venues/bars. . .yet half of them can't stand each other.  I'm mainly around when it's a live music event.

Grateful for the depth of honesty I find in AA.

Grateful today for my moral compass.  I might get tempted to deviate, but I know the heading I need to follow.

Grateful that I could hand my unlocked phone to my wife and not have to explain anything away.

Edited December 3, 2021 by BearSchlong

[Kennythetiger 9375]

On 11/2/2021 at 10:44 AM, hullabelew said:

This podcast is done by one of the counselors from where I went to treatment.   He started this after I was released.  I get a lot out of it,  but that may be a factor of my previous relationship with him and how much he helped me during and after my time there.   One of my roommates said, "He is a cross between a trial attorney and an old school preacher".  

https://anchor.fm/john-clark59

 

I’m glad Bear bumped the thread. Reminded me  to tell you that I’ve enjoyed this guy’s stuff so far. Sometime I’m going to go back and count how many cigarettes he smokes during one of his sermons. 🙂

[Celery Man 20931]

On 11/16/2021 at 3:24 PM, JohnnyRage said:

??

That’s actually a great side topic - 

Name one thing the program/‘or your method’ has taught you.

i'm not sure who you are quoting but getting organized is a big part of mine. goes like...

1) grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change and the courage to change the things that I can

2) separate the things into changeables and unchangeables

3) prioritize the changeables

4) go

 

i'm sure that I'm similar to others here in that at the end of my time drinking, SHIT had PILED UP. There was a whoooole bunch of stuff that needed getting done that wasn't getting done and it turns out that completely separately from being drunk, having that big horrible list and mental/physical clutter stresses me out.

I'm not an organized person, I'm not a tidy person. My sobriety taught me that I need organization and I need to reduce clutter. It also taught me that I can make new habits and break old habits if I really want to. How tidy and organized I am ebbs and flows (in an ebb right now, new year is a good chance to work on making it flow). So despite not being that way inherently, I have the tools/understanding/practice at doing it and I make it happen.

A lot of the tidiness I refer to is mental, but man the physical stuff is important too. We've got a 7 month old and still (and always) every single night, the dishes are clean and away and the counter is wiped down and clear of everything but the coffee maker and the toaster. That's actually like 45 minutes of work every night (BOTTLES man), and I stop and look at it before I go upstairs and turn in. Would drive me absolutely nuts to not have it squared away.

[RubyManJack 47]

Hit my knees this AM and prayed because I've heard it said "It's hard to fall when you are on your knees".

Hope you had a great day today TwiceHorn.

[NAVY 6740]

Following up on my Nov 14 post about avoiding booze at all-inclusive resort. No issues. I was never tempted and surprised by how many other guests were not drinking. Had a kick ass time being social and sober. This was a huge test for me and something I stressed over for months. Go fuck yourself booze. We done 

[JohnnyRage 1617]

@NAVY Noice!

 

 

Page 1 bump for the holidays.

 

Sometimes this moment is as good as it's gonna get, and that's ok. Breathe, and step forward.

Edited December 17, 2021 by JohnnyRage

[TwiceHorn 31438]

On 12/7/2021 at 9:48 PM, RubyManJack said:

Hit my knees this AM and prayed because I've heard it said "It's hard to fall when you are on your knees".

Hope you had a great day today TwiceHorn.

Thanks man.  24 years.  It can be done.

[BearSchlong 8083]

Thank you for your sobriety, TwiceHorn.

While buying an energy drink at the corner store near my neighborhood this morning, I couldn't help but notice that the somewhat disheveled gentleman in front of me in line was buying a Milwaukee's Best tall boy. With spare change.

Said a silent gratitude prayer that it wasn't me.

[Reagan1k 3024]

Congrats @TwiceHorn  that’s a big deal.

@BearSchlong same deal last weekend.  I was getting coffee before my 9am meeting and a guy came in wearing a sweatshirt, pajama bottoms, and crocs.  Dude plops a cold case of cheap beer on the counter, and I can smell him already.  Not his breath- out of his pores.

Had I not grabbed and continue to grab for the grace God offers us all, that would / could be me.  I don’t speed much anymore but I got to that meeting in record time. It made me uneasy yet grateful all day long. 

[BearSchlong 8083]

Amen brother.  Same scene happening at thousands of corner stores around the world right now.

[BearSchlong 8083]

I've previously mentioned my key 2021 sponsee who was a HS senior when I was a freshman.  The guy with the hottest sexiest girlfriends, the best booze and drugs, the coolest music, at the best parties, that 14 year old me hero worshipped.  Kind of a Dazed and Confused scene.  And now that he's in his early 50s I've taken him through the steps and he's got 10 months and he's become like a brother.  I've described how I know I'm alcoholic because from the moment I got to high school I wanted to be exactly like those seniors who were doing it right, weekends in oblivion.  And how when he got to AA he didn't recognize me or realize who I was until after he asked me to sponsor him.

Last night we had one of those magical, intimate book study meetings.  We're on the stories in the back of the book, and my observation is that the women contributors do a smashing job with language. https://aa-edinburgh.org.uk/pdf/bigbook/pioneers_9.pdf.  This sums it up:

Quote

. . .through a long and calamitous series of shattering experiences, I found myself being helplessly propelled toward total destruction.

Anyway, at the end of the meeting a friend who is 2 yrs older than me picked up her 30 year chip. I vaguely remember the chatter back in 1991 "oh did you hear so and so stopped drinking and went to AA?"  She got sober a month and a week prior to my Dad, which means he's coming up on 29 years.

Time flies.

It's the holidays and I'm emotional AF.  Very grateful to be coming up on 11 years.

Edited December 21, 2021 by BearSchlong

[Celery Man 20931]

I was flipping through HBO Max looking for something to watch last night and came across a documentary that looked like it had to be interesting. I'm a big fan of the Up series (7 Up, 7 After 7, 21 up, and on) which examines the life of a collection of English children from the age of 7 (in 1960something to they just had another episode a few years ago, may have been the last one as the creator finally died). This seemed like a similar concept - "Life of Crime - 1984-2020" which examines 36 years of the lives of three central characters, who are basically low lives in Newark in 1984.

 

There's of course an addiction element that becomes prominent as the doc moves along. If you want a break from the Christmas cheer, this would provide that. I've been thinking about it all day. The last seen in which Robbie appears in the documentary is the deepest Eleanor Rigby moment I've ever seen. There's a scene with Freddie talking to the director in his car that I think all of us can relate to.

Anyways, pretty dark material but these are some true stories. There were two other docs that came out over that period of time, I guess this one must contain footage from the other two and pulls it all together but I'll probably have to go watch them now.

Edited December 22, 2021 by Celery Man

[BearSchlong 8083]

I'm in. I love that kind of stuff.

[NIUHuskies 504]

I am Jacob and I am a sexaholic. Sobriety date 10/27.

[BearSchlong 8083]

Welcome!

That your main -ism or you got more?

[NIUHuskies 504]

5 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

Welcome!

That your main -ism or you got more?

That is my main one. And it is a doozy. Messed with my life for three decades.

[Al_4_ISU 12451]

So is that like booze or drugs in that you can never have sex again?

[Reagan1k 3024]

On 12/21/2021 at 2:42 PM, Celery Man said:

I was flipping through HBO Max looking for something to watch last night and came across a documentary that looked like it had to be interesting. I'm a big fan of the Up series (7 Up, 7 After 7, 21 up, and on) which examines the life of a collection of English children from the age of 7 (in 1960something to they just had another episode a few years ago, may have been the last one as the creator finally died). This seemed like a similar concept - "Life of Crime - 1984-2020" which examines 36 years of the lives of three central characters, who are basically low lives in Newark in 1984.

 

There's of course an addiction element that becomes prominent as the doc moves along. If you want a break from the Christmas cheer, this would provide that. I've been thinking about it all day. The last seen in which Robbie appears in the documentary is the deepest Eleanor Rigby moment I've ever seen. There's a scene with Freddie talking to the director in his car that I think all of us can relate to.

Anyways, pretty dark material but these are some true stories. There were two other docs that came out over that period of time, I guess this one must contain footage from the other two and pulls it all together but I'll probably have to go watch them now.

A break from the Christmas cheer is right.   What a stark reminder of the power of addiction.

Thanks for the recommendation.

[El Diablo 4232]

On 12/23/2021 at 3:28 PM, Al_4_ISU said:

So is that like booze or drugs in that you can never have sex again?

One day at a time bro, don't go crazy.  

[ernest_t_bass 1196]

Yeah, I'm interested to hear more from the sexaholic

[Celery Man 20931]

21 hours ago, Reagan1k said:

A break from the Christmas cheer is right.   What a stark reminder of the power of addiction.

Thanks for the recommendation.

Yeah hopefully it was clear that it's not a particularly uplifting doc. There's a warning at the beginning of the doc about its contents that you'd do well to remember as you go through it. It's interesting the different people, types. I'm certain that seeing only the snippets that a documentarian has allowed me to see doesn't provide a full picture, but it's interesting that Deliris seemed to have the most sustained sobriety given that she seemed less comfortable than Rob in it. Maybe it was different for her later, but in most of the sober moments of her that we see she always seems a few bad seconds away from relapse. I think I do recognize a "type" there of the person who really needs to be 100% thrown into the program all the time to sustain sobriety, which seems like something we could reasonably say is accurate of her.

Rob in comparison seemed like he was doing much better when he was working at Eckerds, but that dude was just so alone. Again I don't know what I didn't see but a) he called up his P.O. when his girlfriend dumped him so he could talk to somebody, b) he ended up rooming with the worst possible dude on the planet, and c) clearly he wound up with nobody around him - that guy needed some people in his life. Deliris maybe needed some more independence, but Rob needed to find people to lean on.

Freddie seems just like an addict doing addict things throughout, but man the amount of life you can see in his face when he's doing his first or second bout in prison. Makes you wonder if he would have been better off just staying locked up.

Also up there among the most heartbreaking moments in that movie is when Deliris is talking to the empty toothless shell of a woman in the project yard (completely unaware of anything, saying "hope it's in a good way!" when Deliris says she remembers her) and it shows a cut of her as a little girl from earlier in the documentary. FUCK man.

Edited December 29, 2021 by Celery Man

[JohnnyRage 1617]

On 12/23/2021 at 3:28 PM, Al_4_ISU said:

So is that like booze or drugs in that you can never have sex again?

Yes, shoot your dick off.

 

Err, wait, don't shoot your dick off. I think.

 

It's about the obsession. Don't obsess, and when you do obsess about anything, pray about it, and let the hive take over.

[JohnnyRage 1617]

And you guys be nice to Twice, he's going to die of old age sometime in the future.

[BearSchlong 8083]

I'll admit it, I could easily see myself becoming a porn or sex addict. Not my current mental obsession but I had my struggles.

[Richard Kimball 1494]

Happy New Year to everyone!

 

[ztejas 43411]

I'm pretty drunk right now but I'm working on it and may be one of those assholes this year that makes a new year's resolution. 

I'm close to getting it. I really am. And I'm not just saying that - I know it. I just hope I get there before it's too late. Unfortunately it's on me. I genuinely believe there's nothing anyone else can do to expedite it. 

Happy New Years to everyone here. Life is a fickle fucking mistress. The bright light that is shining through my right eye and blinding me is the concept of getting out of self and I can feel it burning through that eye and deep into the rest of my psyche. I may not give much of a shit whether I stick around or not but a lot of people around me do. Thinking of them certainly doesn't hurt and it might be what I need. 

For those of you that are clean - keep it up. You're always an inspiration. For those of you that aren't - there is a solution. I'm good at avoiding that solution but deep down I know it's there. Maybe this year I'll get over my fucking self and accept that that solution is the one I need.

[JohnnyRage 1617]

Hang in there Z. You know what to do.

[BearSchlong 8083]

I'm pretty drunk right now but I'm working on it and may be one of those assholes this year that makes a new year's resolution. 
I'm close to getting it. I really am. And I'm not just saying that - I know it. I just hope I get there before it's too late. Unfortunately it's on me. I genuinely believe there's nothing anyone else can do to expedite it. 
Happy New Years to everyone here. Life is a fickle fucking mistress. The bright light that is shining through my right eye and blinding me is the concept of getting out of self and I can feel it burning through that eye and deep into the rest of my psyche. I may not give much of a shit whether I stick around or not but a lot of people around me do. Thinking of them certainly doesn't hurt and it might be what I need. 
For those of you that are clean - keep it up. You're always an inspiration. For those of you that aren't - there is a solution. I'm good at avoiding that solution but deep down I know it's there. Maybe this year I'll get over my fucking self and accept that that solution is the one I need.

God bless you buddy.

[MaybeACoordinator 8349]

On 12/29/2021 at 1:57 PM, Celery Man said:

Yeah hopefully it was clear that it's not a particularly uplifting doc. There's a warning at the beginning of the doc about its contents that you'd do well to remember as you go through it. It's interesting the different people, types. I'm certain that seeing only the snippets that a documentarian has allowed me to see doesn't provide a full picture, but it's interesting that Deliris seemed to have the most sustained sobriety given that she seemed less comfortable than Rob in it. Maybe it was different for her later, but in most of the sober moments of her that we see she always seems a few bad seconds away from relapse. I think I do recognize a "type" there of the person who really needs to be 100% thrown into the program all the time to sustain sobriety, which seems like something we could reasonably say is accurate of her.

Rob in comparison seemed like he was doing much better when he was working at Eckerds, but that dude was just so alone. Again I don't know what I didn't see but a) he called up his P.O. when his girlfriend dumped him so he could talk to somebody, b) he ended up rooming with the worst possible dude on the planet, and c) clearly he wound up with nobody around him - that guy needed some people in his life. Deliris maybe needed some more independence, but Rob needed to find people to lean on.

Freddie seems just like an addict doing addict things throughout, but man the amount of life you can see in his face when he's doing his first or second bout in prison. Makes you wonder if he would have been better off just staying locked up.

Also up there among the most heartbreaking moments in that movie is when Deliris is talking to the empty toothless shell of a woman in the project yard (completely unaware of anything, saying "hope it's in a good way!" when Deliris says she remembers her) and it shows a cut of her as a little girl from earlier in the documentary. FUCK man.

Spot on.

I wonder what happened to Mike or Mark, the Irish kid / fourth Musketeer of this doomed bunch. The last shot of him was haunting - you could tell something had snapped in him at Rahway.

[MaybeACoordinator 8349]

18 minutes ago, MaybeACoordinator said:

Spot on.

I wonder what happened to Mike or Mark, the Irish kid / fourth Musketeer of this doomed bunch. The last shot of him was haunting - you could tell something had snapped in him at Rahway.

Well, turns out he's the sole survivor. I would guess he's not clean and sober by the expanse of that gut, but he says he's not been arrested in four years. 

[JohnnyRage 1617]

Sheeet, I haven’t been arrested in about 12. 

[Celery Man 20931]

7 hours ago, MaybeACoordinator said:

Spot on.

I wonder what happened to Mike or Mark, the Irish kid / fourth Musketeer of this doomed bunch. The last shot of him was haunting - you could tell something had snapped in him at Rahway.

 

7 hours ago, MaybeACoordinator said:

Well, turns out he's the sole survivor. I would guess he's not clean and sober by the expanse of that gut, but he says he's not been arrested in four years. 

I had quickly googled and found a comment that he was alive and moderately out of prison. I know that people can change and this is a crowd of folks who perhaps even moreso than most people benefit from a couple few second chances, but man that guy beating on his girl early in the doc was shocking. Sure hope he's changed.

 

Speaking of people can change -

10 hours ago, ztejas said:

Happy New Years to everyone here. Life is a fickle fucking mistress. The bright light that is shining through my right eye and blinding me is the concept of getting out of self and I can feel it burning through that eye and deep into the rest of my psyche. I may not give much of a shit whether I stick around or not but a lot of people around me do. Thinking of them certainly doesn't hurt and it might be what I need. 

you can change buddy

I can't remember exactly how old you're supposed to be, but I've thought about how 1) it would have been nice to have gotten my shit together early, and 2) it would have been hard to get sober during my early 20s maybe even mid 20s. Thinking about that a bit more, I think it's probably true for early 20s, but the feeling you have that everyone in their mid 20s is getting shitfaced all the time is just a reflection of what you do/who you're around. Anyways, before I ramble off, what I'm trying to say is that (like always but maybe even more so than usual) now is the perfect time. This isn't certified "I'm telling you smart people stuff" advice but maybe make your New Year's resolution not the "quit fucking around with booze and pills" resolution, but the goal oriented thing you're not going to accomplish while you're fucking around with booze and pills. I don't know what you do, but if you don't have some idea of where it is you want to be in a year, in five years, in 10 years, figure that shit out and figure out some measurable things you can do in 2022 that move you in that direction. Work on that, get some traction, doing that in conjunction with moving on from your hard partying days will be powerful in your life.

[JohnnyRage 1617]

@Celery Man You are the newly Dad, right? Worried about your son’s genetic journey.

Well my son’s fully got it, but he’s starting to come fully online. And this is us this morning doing God’s work.

 

 

[JohnnyRage 1617]

Sorry, I just realized the ending was a little specific. That was a message to my 14-year-old stepson. He went on a bicycle adventure with his one day to bury a mummy cat that we had accidentally found under an overpass. After we bagged the cat and put it in a backpack to ride on, we kept finding other dead birds along the way. And if we were gonna bury one dead animal, then why were we not going to bury this dead animal. OMG, FML, good times. Had a soldiers burial in a construction site and then played pretend soldiers.

[Celery Man 20931]

Do you mean you can just tell at this point that he’s got that quirk? That is me - wife and I are both alcoholics, so seems likely that will be a thing for us to deal with or certainly at least talk about at some point with the daughter.

 

Edited January 1, 2022 by Celery Man

[Caponata 151]

Literally just got out of rehab today  after 60 days. Got a sponsor as well & have been working the steps which I never thought I'd do.

[Loch Ness Monster 3533]

Think I've always had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol since I became of age but college, work or a gf kept my demons in check. Been working from home the last two years and single -- my alcohol use has skyrocketed. On a bad trajectory. Google'd AA a couple times but I'm not really religious so that made me wonder. Been looking into therapy for the first time.

[TwiceHorn 31438]

19 minutes ago, Loch Ness Monster said:

Think I've always had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol since I became of age but college, work or a gf kept my demons in check. Been working from home the last two years and single -- my alcohol use has skyrocketed. On a bad trajectory. Google'd AA a couple times but I'm not really religious so that made me wonder. Been looking into therapy for the first time.

You really don't need to be religious to benefit from AA.  You do need to be willing to accept the idea that something other than yourself "runs this shit."

If you have any sort of religious background, AA can kind of help put it in a good perspective and some of it makes more initial sense than it might otherwise.  So it often operates to awaken a spirituality that turns into churchgoing or observance of some system of spirituality.  

And, odds are pretty good that a therapist will steer you toward AA if alcohol continues to remain a problem.

[Celery Man 20931]

The God thing isn’t a problem unless you make it one - the main thing that is important about a God or a higher power is that it is not you. If you go to an AA group and it feels too much like a Bible study, try a different group. To me the churchy feeling of AA comes way more from the… big book as holy scripture than the steps that talk about God. Replace “God” with “the universe” and see how that feels for you.

 Therapy is good. Even if you’re not sure about AA it’s quick and easy to go to a few meetings and see if that seems helpful. Let us know where you are if you want some help with that. They run on schedule, take an hour, and people will leave you alone if you say you’re just there to listen.

[Jerry Callo 8698]

19 hours ago, ztejas said:

I'm pretty drunk right now but I'm working on it and may be one of those assholes this year that makes a new year's resolution. 

I was one of those assholes in 2019.  Made one of January 1st and it lasted until January 5th.  Four days sober is better than none.  Thankfully, on January 12th, 2012, I took my last drink.  

Count me and these other assholes as people who would like to see you stick around.