I'm An Alcoholic

[Caponata 151]

On 12/3/2021 at 11:55 AM, BearSchlong said:

Lately I've been meditating on something central to the program, mainly that happiness is an inside job.  There's nothing out there that's going to give me satisfaction.

Yeah like one of my counselors in rehab pointed out "you still have to take you with you wherever you go". I moved to a different state & great city thinking that would change a lot of things but your hang-ups, obsessions, etc., are still there. Happiness is very much an inside job. As Tony Soprano once said "There is no geographical solution to an emotional problem". 

[closetohumping 17470]

On 1/14/2022 at 4:42 PM, BigOrange1 said:

i fucking hate having to post this, but i found out today that Bash passed away not long after he made this post.  no idea about they how or why of it, but thought i should share it here with you guys.

https://www.lubbockonline.com/obituaries/p0163608

Fuck.  Rip Bash.  As I said a few pages ago he offered me a place to stay for the ou game, this was back in the Mack days when we were good Didn’t know me from a hole in the ground.     Was willing to help some random on a message board. Rip

[closetohumping 17470]

On 1/14/2022 at 4:42 PM, BigOrange1 said:

i fucking hate having to post this, but i found out today that Bash passed away not long after he made this post.  no idea about they how or why of it, but thought i should share it here with you guys.

https://www.lubbockonline.com/obituaries/p0163608

Fuck.  Rip Bash.  As I said a few pages ago he offered me a place to stay for the ou game, this was back in the Mack days when we were good Didn’t know me from a hole in the ground.     Was willing to help some random on a message board. Rip

[JohnnyRage 1617]

Stay alive Close. You can always tag me or PM me.

[closetohumping 17470]

23 hours ago, JohnnyRage said:

Stay alive Close. You can always tag me or PM me.

Thanks I'm ok.  Just hit me at a bad moment.  I remember Bash from the Hornfans days, at least 15-20 years ago?  Hate to see a great guy go.  

[BearSchlong 8114]

Just saw the new motto, "A place for Broken Brained Assholes"

How true, how true.

Had the umpteenth text from my wife's cousin this morning. . ."Do you know where I can detox? I have a job lined up for $1,000/day and I need to kick it quick"

Then he texted me a Billy Graham revival video.

For 10 years my answer to him is the same. "I will pick you up and take you to an AA meeting, it's the only way I have found to stay sober."

So the scoreboard on that side of the family reads. . .1 father who says he is a functional alcoholic but doesn't want to quit, 2 sons who stay pretty much in the mire of alcoholism/addiction, and another son who appears to be headed to rehab after his brother - the one tasked with keeping the family businesses running - had to fire him.  The oldest knew he was headed down a bad path from early on, joined the Marines, did a few combat tours, came home, and married a gorgeous gal whose parents own a Napa vineyard which he runs, and apparently he is able to enjoy and control his drinking.

Grateful to be in the week of my 11th sobriety anniversary.

[JohnnyRage 1617]

The book that some of ascribe to strongly recommends medical intervention.

[BearSchlong 8114]

He's done that quite a few times, been pumped full of anti-seizure meds and dried out.  Then gone to Jesus camp where they dunked him and saved him and he's good for a few months until he isn't.

[BearSchlong 8114]

Just had another phone conversation and though I have an obligation tonight at my church I'm going to pick him up and take him to a meeting in the next few days over in Lake Charles.

For me, not him.

He's watching Joel Osteen, and alternating Dr. Pepper with beers until he is off the beers.

I do not want to have to stop drinking ever again.

Edited January 18, 2022 by BearSchlong

[Kennythetiger 9460]

On 1/15/2022 at 3:17 PM, Caponata said:

Yeah like one of my counselors in rehab pointed out "you still have to take you with you wherever you go". I moved to a different state & great city thinking that would change a lot of things but your hang-ups, obsessions, etc., are still there. Happiness is very much an inside job. As Tony Soprano once said "There is no geographical solution to an emotional problem". 

Wherever you go, there you are. 
I don’t know how many times I heard this song in the 90s on our tractor’s AM radio, but I heard it again the other day and listened to the words for what seemed like the very first time.  Made me think of you broken-brained assholes. Myself included, of course. 

[Loch Ness Monster 3533]

Think the hardest part of sobriety is the boredom for me.

[JohnnyRage 1617]

Ummmm, is this our founder??

[JohnnyRage 1617]

My confusion, that was maybe 'Lake Worth Monster' or something similar.

[ztejas 43537]

10 hours ago, Loch Ness Monster said:

Think the hardest part of sobriety is the boredom for me.

When you're 26 years old this is the main issue. I got to 9 months and then... I got bored. I put the bottle to my lips and it was really difficult to even swallow that shit. But eventually I did. And then I went out hard. And then I reeled it back to go out hard occasionally. And then I drank occasionally and dealt with it and didn't drink most of the time. And then... well...

I'm not really sure if I'm sober or not right now. I've been awake awhile. It's 7 in the morning. I did what I'd describe as not that much coke but also I do coke like once every 3 months now so I think it kind of smacked me and I'm still pretty lit. I guess I did a good amount of some pretty fucking good blow.

I feel so lost and then I do this and I feel a little less lost as long as the booze and sometimes nicotine fueled and after a certain point coke fueled euphoria carries me through it. 

I don't fucking know. I'm fairly functional. I guess. I love music. I know I'm sickly talented when it comes to anything music related but I rarely apply myself. I've gotten good at conning myself into thinking I need the booze to realize myself musically. That's probably bullshit. I wrote something really good off of a couple vicodin last spring. My life is confusing.

I'm fucking trying. Fortunately I dialed an aunt of mine early this morning because I felt like having a borderline panic attack while talking to someone would be better than sitting in silence. She's cool as fuck. We had a good convo. I can't keep that shit a secret though - have to tell my dad and step mom I "slipped" up. Probably gonna call my dad here in a sec.

Life is crazy. Love all of you. Sometimes I wish I was one of those squares that had it planned out by age 22 and just clocked in and out 8 hours a day for 35 years before enjoying his children and grandchildren.

Idk. I don't think that's me. I'd like to think I have some pretty great shit to contribute - maybe if I put the bottle down and act like a fucking adult I can realize it. Maybe I need to keep being a child to further it. I don't know. 

Wisdom to know the difference, right?

[Shoxthemonkey 1983]

It's not my place to give you wise advice but I can tell when you post sober and when you post drunk or high. Listen to these guys and get your shit sorted out. You have plenty to offer.

[JohnnyRage 1617]

@ztejas I listen to and watch a ton of Rock Doc stuff. Drugs and alcohol are pretty antithetical to creativity. I know society sells it the other way, but the ones that make it through to productivity are the ones that watched and understood as their peers fell to the wayside.

One might be able to make an argument for freeing your mind from the bonds of being told what is acceptable art, but most are then quickly shackled by feeding the monster of self-medication and addiction. Then we get the 80's.

 

You're going to end up a statistic one way or another Z. Your story is not yet written. I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, but I can tell that the way things are now are unsustainable.

Live. Find peace. Find Freedom. It doesn't have to be someone else's way, but you don't have to out think the world.

Edited January 19, 2022 by JohnnyRage

[gasman 114]

1 hour ago, ztejas said:

When you're 26 years old this is the main issue. I got to 9 months and then... I got bored. I put the bottle to my lips and it was really difficult to even swallow that shit. But eventually I did. And then I went out hard. And then I reeled it back to go out hard occasionally. And then I drank occasionally and dealt with it and didn't drink most of the time. And then... well...

I'm not really sure if I'm sober or not right now. I've been awake awhile. It's 7 in the morning. I did what I'd describe as not that much coke but also I do coke like once every 3 months now so I think it kind of smacked me and I'm still pretty lit. I guess I did a good amount of some pretty fucking good blow.

I feel so lost and then I do this and I feel a little less lost as long as the booze and sometimes nicotine fueled and after a certain point coke fueled euphoria carries me through it. 

I don't fucking know. I'm fairly functional. I guess. I love music. I know I'm sickly talented when it comes to anything music related but I rarely apply myself. I've gotten good at conning myself into thinking I need the booze to realize myself musically. That's probably bullshit. I wrote something really good off of a couple vicodin last spring. My life is confusing.

I'm fucking trying. Fortunately I dialed an aunt of mine early this morning because I felt like having a borderline panic attack while talking to someone would be better than sitting in silence. She's cool as fuck. We had a good convo. I can't keep that shit a secret though - have to tell my dad and step mom I "slipped" up. Probably gonna call my dad here in a sec.

Life is crazy. Love all of you. Sometimes I wish I was one of those squares that had it planned out by age 22 and just clocked in and out 8 hours a day for 35 years before enjoying his children and grandchildren.

Idk. I don't think that's me. I'd like to think I have some pretty great shit to contribute - maybe if I put the bottle down and act like a fucking adult I can realize it. Maybe I need to keep being a child to further it. I don't know. 

Wisdom to know the difference, right?

I have pages of journal entries that have this exact same theme. The details are different, but the underlying emotion is exactly the same. It was right as I was hitting my bottom in 2017. I totally get it ztejas, but when I read those pages of rationalization now, they just sound so freaking exhausting. Trying to control, enjoy and hide my drinking consumed so much of my day. For me, sobriety ended up being the easier softer way. Like others, I won’t try and give you any advice, but there is a much better option available to you if you want it. I know that you “know” that, but it could be time to take some honest action and actually experience it. 
 

 

[DallasHorn26 586]

I was afraid of being bored in sobriety, or not being fun enough to those around me. Then I learned other's perceptions of me don't matter any more.  That feeling of not being good enough for others is what kept me drunk. For the longest time, I didn't feel normal or accepted until I had at least a drink or 3 in me. That's great, but I didn't know how to stop at 3. 

I had to learn to accept myself and not care how others perceive me. At the end of the day, as long as I know I am continuing to do the right thing, it doesn't matter to me any more what others think. 

I've personally found a lot of fun in sobriety. I've been able to enjoy the things I used to enjoy while drinking in a different way (Sports, weddings, concerts, etc), and it's been great.

 

[Kennythetiger 9460]

I’m really glad that you posted. I hope you call your dad. 

[closetohumping 17470]

1 hour ago, DallasHorn26 said:

I was afraid of being bored in sobriety, or not being fun enough to those around me. Then I learned other's perceptions of me don't matter any more.  That feeling of not being good enough for others is what kept me drunk. For the longest time, I didn't feel normal or accepted until I had at least a drink or 3 in me. That's great, but I didn't know how to stop at 3. 

I had to learn to accept myself and not care how others perceive me. At the end of the day, as long as I know I am continuing to do the right thing, it doesn't matter to me any more what others think. 

I've personally found a lot of fun in sobriety. I've been able to enjoy the things I used to enjoy while drinking in a different way (Sports, weddings, concerts, etc), and it's been great.

 

Yep drinking loosened me up in social settings, unfamiliar ones.  Also, I would constantly be drinking if nobody was socializing with me, some sort of oral fixation or nervousness I guess.  I'd have 8 drinks in an hour before you know it.

[Celery Man 20996]

If you want to do something creatively with your life, you need to have talent but more importantly than that you need to go out and do shit. Like, all the fucking time - go do shit. Not get drunk and stoned and fuck around with an MPC or an acoustic guitar or pro tools or whatever in your apartment - write a shit ton of songs/produce a bunch of beats/get that shit out there in the world with crummy gigs and then better gigs and more collaboration and on and on. I'm probably a bad person to speak to things because I haven't pursued music as a life... purpose or whatever in sobriety. I got sober and turned towards career and now family etc and while I'm not bored at all I did set aside the big childhood dream in favor of the "I'm grown I'm [approaching] 40" dream of stability and more conventional career aspirations and family. Anyways, part of the story of how I got to there is my addiction growing to the point where it interfered with my ability to throw myself into creative things and work with other creative people. I know some people who are still at it and had some success and the only one of those who is an addict is a dude I reconnected with when I met him chairing an AA meeting. I gotta go and may revisit this post but the short of it is you don't need drugs to do cool creative shit if you're an addict - it's going to keep you from doing that.

Edited January 19, 2022 by Celery Man

[Celery Man 20996]

I think the point I was trying to work my way towards was that you’re not going to do shit while you’re all fucked up, and the tortured addict creative genius thing is more romance than reality anyways. If you’re one of those dudes, congrats on your talent you have 1 year to do something cool before you check out permanently. Otherwise, get your shit together and get to work if you want to share your creativity with the world.

 

 On the broader “sobriety is boring thing”, I do so much more now than I did when I was drinking. Early sobriety is hard because it’s all change and it’s all new. I can enjoy vegging on the couch with the Xbox just as well as I did when that also involved 9 beers, but I don’t get to do it as much because I’m too busy.

[Loch Ness Monster 3533]

Think a lot of it is finding a purpose for sobriety right? Whether it be people or a thing

[Celery Man 20996]

For me, the serenity prayer is as much a call to action as it is a lifeline and a coping mechanism. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can.
 

I think I would characterize the things you should find more as goals than a purpose in early sobriety. Purpose for life is grandiose, its big and scary and needs to be impressive or maybe your whole life is pointless? That’s not the kind of philosophizing about the purpose of your existence you need to do in early sobriety. Your purpose is to not drink and have integrity in your dealings with other people and clean up the mess you made and try and do a little better every day. Your purpose will become apparent to you over time. It’s a good idea to think about goals - what do you want to do now that you’re a grown up? What would look like success 5 years from now, what would a year of progress towards that goal look like, how do you begin to move in that direction this week?  Maybe that means researching certificates and classes that would help you towards the job and figuring out volunteer opportunities to expand your social circle. Or working out and roughly recording a new song idea every day and working on a dating profile. Or cleaning up your living space (I’m convincing myself that all alcoholics should keep tidy living spaces) and getting your car registration fixed. Whatever makes sense for steps towards the future version of you that you think would be a happy you. There’s shit you don’t have control over, and there’s a whole lot of stuff you do have control over. If you’re either bored or sad, the best thing to do is to become busy. Keep a list of shit you need to get done and work towards your goals, prioritize it, and whittle at the list. You’ll be distracted and then you’ll feel better. Nobody else really does this stuff so you’ll find yourself being successful, and you can pick from any number of purposes.

[Mole 4333]

Speaking to the musical side of things as someone who has made a living as a musician for most of my adult life, there are a lot of failed/struggling musicians who abuse substances, but not many working, productive musicians doing so. Making music for a living in any capacity and any genre is hard work and takes a great deal of organized, focused thinking. When you meet musicians who are actually working, you’ll usually find them to usually be focused, hard-working, sober-minded people.

The substances that make people think they’re creative aren’t actually conducive to the real work of being a musician. If you want to write, it’s a bit of a numbers game. You write a lot of bad songs/partial songs until you write a few good ones. If you want to perform, you need hours of daily, focused practice for years. Musicians need time and a clear head to do their work. Substances only make that work harder. Some people sort of make it work, but it’s ultimately a drag on their productivity, no matter how much they lie to themselves otherwise.

The jazz cats who were all heroin addicts? They either got clean or died. The geniuses who got clean were still geniuses, just more productive. The dead ones were still dead. The same goes for any other genre.

[MaybeACoordinator 8349]

On 1/1/2022 at 5:39 PM, Loch Ness Monster said:

Think I've always had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol since I became of age but college, work or a gf kept my demons in check. Been working from home the last two years and single -- my alcohol use has skyrocketed. On a bad trajectory. Google'd AA a couple times but I'm not really religious so that made me wonder. Been looking into therapy for the first time.

This took off on the religion angle and I meant to respond on the working from home side of things -- trust me, it won't get better without you taking some kind of steps. Bare minimum an accountability buddy you are strictly honest with, like a therapist or relationship partner, but you might find yourself lying to them. IT WILL NOT GET BETTER ON ITS OWN. I was teetering on the brink of alcoholism when I was allowed to work from home years ago. Talk about getting everything you wanted as the worst thing that could happen to me. The worst thing about it is you can and will conceal it until you are way, way farther down the road than someone who is more thoroughly integrated into society. 

I really think we are quietly reaping a whirlwind of addicts who might not have succumbed as deeply as they will because of the pandemic and working from home. 

[J.R. 150]

On 1/18/2022 at 9:57 PM, JohnnyRage said:

My confusion, that was maybe 'Lake Worth Monster' or something similar.

Bash came before Lake Worth but LW founded this thread originally 

[JohnnyRage 1617]

7 hours ago, J.R. said:

Bash came before Lake Worth but LW founded this thread originally 

Yeah 'L N Monster' threw me off. This Bash thing makes no sense to me and really highlights that advice to one human being is not the right advice to another human being. One suggestion may eat away at someone's pride until they are willing to surrender in order to win the war, the same suggestion to another will lead them more quickly to the end of their rope. But it's not me, it's all God.

Edited January 21, 2022 by JohnnyRage

[BearSchlong 8114]

Drove over to Lake Charles and took wife's cousin to a meeting last night, it was really good.  Great to see new faces and hear new stories and meet new old timers.  I'm committing to do that about once a week.

11 years today. Tonight my Dad's going to give me his own corresponding year chip just like he does every year. Pre-drilled with a hole to fit on my key ring, as always.

Just had lunch at Luby's like I do every friday with my grand sponsor J.B. and "the drunk whisperer" Gerald, about 80 yrs sobriety between them.

The predictability and routine of this sober life is so satisfying.

Edited January 21, 2022 by BearSchlong

[Kennythetiger 9460]

On 1/20/2022 at 8:58 AM, Mole said:

Speaking to the musical side of things as someone who has made a living as a musician for most of my adult life, there are a lot of failed/struggling musicians who abuse substances, but not many working, productive musicians doing so. Making music for a living in any capacity and any genre is hard work and takes a great deal of organized, focused thinking. When you meet musicians who are actually working, you’ll usually find them to usually be focused, hard-working, sober-minded people.

The substances that make people think they’re creative aren’t actually conducive to the real work of being a musician. If you want to write, it’s a bit of a numbers game. You write a lot of bad songs/partial songs until you write a few good ones. If you want to perform, you need hours of daily, focused practice for years. Musicians need time and a clear head to do their work. Substances only make that work harder. Some people sort of make it work, but it’s ultimately a drag on their productivity, no matter how much they lie to themselves otherwise.

The jazz cats who were all heroin addicts? They either got clean or died. The geniuses who got clean were still geniuses, just more productive. The dead ones were still dead. The same goes for any other genre.

I am sitting in a hotel lobby near Red Rocks in Colorado. Came to scope out the hotel for the upcoming Turnpike Troubadours concert, of all things. I couldn’t sleep, so I’m sitting by the fire reading this book that I bought several years ago and haven’t gotten around to reading. The first couple of chapters mirror almost exactly what you said- can’t really, truly be at your creative best if your brain is foggy. 

[JohnnyRage 1617]

 

[Clintonaldo 2576]

Been sober for 23 days after deciding I needed to take a break. I kind of thought I would have a lot more energy than I currently have. 

[Jerry Callo 8727]

Been sober for 23 days after deciding I needed to take a break. I kind of thought I would have a lot more energy than I currently have. 

How is your sleep? Many people have sleeping difficulties at first.

[Clintonaldo 2576]

Just now, Jerry Callo said:

9 minutes ago, Clintonaldo said:

Been sober for 23 days after deciding I needed to take a break. I kind of thought I would have a lot more energy than I currently have. 

How is your sleep? Many people have sleeping difficulties at first.

Well..... funny you ask. It’s weird. I get tired until I try to sleep. I usually take a nap around lunch every day. It’s a weird story but I was in Nashville for Tennessee’s bowl game raging and all of the sudden I started feeling guilty and decided I needed to stop so I went to the hotel room and went to bed while others stayed out.  I normally only drank once a week but I can nail an 18 pack and you wouldn’t know I’ve been drinking. I don’t know what came over me to stop but it was powerful. I’m also training for an Ironman so that has helped keep me focused. I kind of take things to extremes and when I do something I want to really do it which is great if you are talking about running but not great when talking about alcohol. 

[Kennythetiger 9460]

I was thinking that you poked your head in here a couple of years ago, too. If I am confusing you with another poster, I definitely apologize. 
A few things that helped me with energy and sleep were eating healthy, drinking A LOT of water, sleep stories on an app called “Calm”, and a weighted blanket. The blanket only lasted a couple of months before the partitions inside of it broke, but it really helped. 

[Clintonaldo 2576]

5 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

I was thinking that you poked your head in here a couple of years ago, too. If I am confusing you with another poster, I definitely apologize. 
A few things that helped me with energy and sleep were eating healthy, drinking A LOT of water, sleep stories on an app called “Calm”, and a weighted blanket. The blanket only lasted a couple of months before the partitions inside of it broke, but it really helped. 

 

It was about 5 years ago I absolutely asked for advice on things and did a dry January. I didn’t drink at all last January and it was easy. This time hasn’t been bad either and will at least go 60 days if not 100. I just love this thread and find it very helpful regardless of where someone is in life. 

[JohnnyRage 1617]

13 hours ago, Clintonaldo said:

Been sober for 23 days after deciding I needed to take a break. I kind of thought I would have a lot more energy than I currently have. 

 

12 hours ago, Clintonaldo said:

 

It was about 5 years ago I absolutely asked for advice on things and did a dry January. I didn’t drink at all last January and it was easy. This time hasn’t been bad either and will at least go 60 days if not 100. I just love this thread and find it very helpful regardless of where someone is in life. 

 

Excellent. Keep doing you.

I'm usually back to being alive in just a few days. I'm out of the woods in a week or two. A good night's sleep is a miracle, and I'm pretty lucky in that department., even though I'm an extremely light sleeper and also have to old man pee quite a bit these days.

B12 supplement might help with the energy and dream processing. Drinking and other outside issues sometimes don't allow the deep restorative sleep that the body needs in order to move on and be ready for the next day. This lack processing leads to hallucinations known as Delirium Tremens, or 'DT's'. Your mind is so desperate for restorative processing that only occurs when the mind is off that it will attempt it when awake. I'm not suggesting that this is you, just stressing that sleep is 10 times more effective then any therapeutic pill. Don't quote me, I didn't stay at Holiday Inn.

Being helpful, like volunteering, might help with the gratification of spent energy. It sounds like you usually like to apply it to your body.

I'm so happy for you. Stay on that side.

Edited January 23, 2022 by JohnnyRage

[pch 1261]

One year ago today at 1:30pm I got the call from my daughter in law that my 37 year old son had died from an overdose.  I decided I wanted what you all had to offer on April 28, 1998, and have gone to any lengths to get it and sustain it.  For a moment, my son too embraced recovery but being off his prescribed medications led him out the door and he returned to his previous addiction.  I celebrate the 23 years time we shared together as father and son along with memories that will last forever. The journey continues and I have found other recovering alcoholics who have lost children, spouses, family that share a bond none of us wanted but are glad to have today.  Trudging the road to happy destiny sometimes means wanting to burst into tears one minute and scream at the top of your lungs the next, but I've never felt alone because of the host of friends that surround me with love or had a thought about drinking alcohol. For this, I am grateful and will continue living one day at a time content to believe that life without alcohol is better than life as a drunk.

[hullabelew 3724]

I'm in Texas helping my mom as my dad is dying. We are keeping him at home as long as we can take care of him. He had been in a rehab facility for 6 weeks. Each day it gets harder and harder to do. He needs to be in a hospital and then a nursing home, but keeping him here makes him rest better and he is eating again. He can barely gain the strength to speak but the light is back in his eyes. We spend the days watching westerns.

If I was still drinking, this would be impossible. I would be of no use to him or my mom asked would easily be making an ass of myself.

And I fucking hate it about Bash. Just fucking hate it. As a friend says, stay reachable, stay teachable and stay humble.

Sent from my Lenovo TB-X606F using Tapatalk

[Celery Man 20996]

Came across this show the other night on Hulu -

I gave it a whirl based on the description (drunk gets in trouble and has to move home), wondering how much recovery stuff they would get in it. As I found and as you can tell from the trailer, that’s mostly what it is. I can’t quite tell if it’s a good show independent of its connection to sobriety stuff, but I’m enjoying it. Two episodes are out currently, next one drops sometime in the next day or two.

Edited January 28, 2022 by Celery Man

[JohnnyRage 1617]

Dumb question, any of you lurkers or fence riders out there have experience with Gig deliveries? Meaning what kind of impact is alcohol to door delivery having on allowing sick people to keep the wheels of the crazy train going? This is a new Covid world that we are living in, one of isolation and deliveries of God in a baggy.

Sometimes clock watching and the increased effort it would take after certain hours was what allowed me to continue to detox. But I would also have to want it, want to get off the train alive and hopefully with my bags intact. Because if I didn't want it to stop I would do almost anything to punt on the pain.

[hullabelew 3724]

I was talking with a guy who just got out of a treatment center.   He has really been beating up on himself but he told me a great story and it really loosened him up.  Amazing what just talking about stuff can do for you. 

He has a 15 son with Downs Syndrome.  Before he went to treatment he was telling his son that he was going to a hospital get help and not be so angry and upset all of the time.  He also told him they were going to help him quit drinking. 

His son said, "Good, cause your not very good at it."  

[Bodhi 1124]

I started drinking at 13 and smoking weed by 15.  I always liked to experiment.  Thankfully, I thought, I didn’t have an addictive personality.  While I experimented, it never went past that.  Weed, shrooms, extasy, Oxy, etc. never sank their hooks in me. 

When I was 18, I went off to some below average state school.  For most of us, no matter your major, your minor was binge drinking.  Nobody I was around drank a few beers.  We drank all the beers and as quickly as possible.  Kings Cup, quarters, asshole, etc. were all fun games to accelerate our drunkenness.  That’s what it’s all about, right?  You threw up, no problem, puking rally.  Still, things felt under control.  Drinking was mostly done 2-3 times a week and I was Dean’s List routinely.  Drinking to excess couldn’t be a problem if I was excelling in other areas.

My 20’s were more of the same.  Drink twice a week to excess.  Only now, I realized that plenty of people around me weren’t behaving in the same manner.  My excessive consumption was more noticeable and it brought a dose of shame.  So, I did what any reasonable person would do, isolate myself from the non-drinkers.  They were too uptight and boring to hang around anyways.  That left me surrounded by people with similar behaviors and nobody to make me feel guilty.  Problem solved and let the good times roll. 

It wasn’t until my mid 30s where I realized my drinking was becoming an issue.  Most of my friends had slowed way down by then.  I hadn’t, but most of them didn’t notice or at least didn’t say anything.  I knew I was abusive with alcohol but still figured I had it under control.  I wasn’t getting arrested, stayed in good shape, was moving up the corporate ladder, and had married an absolute amazing woman.  That didn’t excuse my drinking, but it gave me the illusion that the damage from it could be mitigated.

I just hit my 40s and know my behavior is unacceptable and I don’t have this under control anymore.  At first that didn’t stop anything, rather just made me very secretive about my drinking.  I’m fairly bright, detailed oriented, and observe a lot around me.  These qualities were key as I started to hide my drinking.  Bottles hidden around the house, stopping at a bar before I go to the party so I can have an extra 3 drinks nobody sees, picking up a tall can and drinking it on the way home so my wife only notices me having a couple beers that night.  Recently, not surprisingly drunk, I admitted to a close friend I have a problem.  The next morning, I informed my wife as well.  She already knew but probably not to the full extent.  She also admitted she has a problem with alcohol which brings me unbearable guilt.  I brought her into this drinking culture and truly don’t think she would have this issue if she hadn’t met me.

I still think, perhaps naively, I can get this under control.  Telling those two people I have a drinking problem created some accountability that was lacking before.  I set some strict drinking rules I feel any normal person should be able to abide by.  If I can’t follow those, then I shouldn’t have a drink ever again.  Maybe that is the inevitable outcome of this and I’m just the last to know. 

Edited February 13, 2022 by Bodhi

[JohnnyRage 1617]

If I may pilfer from a popular program,

"We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection."

But your write up was damn near perfect. Good job.

Rather than jump through hoops in order to keep drinking, maybe just take 3 months off, and if life keeps getting better, that might be a real good sign that maybe you can set up acceptable boundaries where drinking gets to stay a part of your life. You do you.

[Macanudo 13012]

Well, I'm here.    And I'm not even sure where here is but I know that I can't "manage" my drinking anymore.   I've tried that time and again and it always end up with too much and too often.  Bargaining that I'll cut back or have a sober weekend or week and that usually doesn't happen.  So, it's time to fully face the fact that I am an alcoholic and I can't keep this up.   Today was the first day that I've admitted out loud to my family that this "isn't a problem" like I've always maintained to them.    Indeed, it's "the problem."  

I need to quit and not just a dry out period or a temporary thing.   So, here I am.

So, here I am.  

[Celery Man 20996]

Bold choice of day.

[TwiceHorn 31536]

Sounds a lot like me, Bodhi.  A lot like all of us, more than likely.  You're in the "finding out" stage.  Hopefully it ends up well for you.  You seem to be approaching it in a clear-eyed manner.  

I got to the point where I knew it was a problem, but didn't want to do anything about it, really, when push came to shove.  External forces operated on me until I was in and out and knowing that I couldn't go on.  That was rough.  I hope your "surrender" comes more easily to you.

I seem to recall that you have some direct experience with this, Macanudo.  I wish the same to you.

[hullabelew 3724]

Well, I'm here.    And I'm not even sure where here is but I know that I can't "manage" my drinking anymore.   I've tried that time and again and it always end up with too much and too often.  Bargaining that I'll cut back or have a sober weekend or week and that usually doesn't happen.  So, it's time to fully face the fact that I am an alcoholic and I can't keep this up.   Today was the first day that I've admitted out loud to my family that this "isn't a problem" like I've always maintained to them.    Indeed, it's "the problem."  
I need to quit and not just a dry out period or a temporary thing.   So, here I am.
So, here I am.  

Mac, PM sent.

Sent from my Lenovo TB-X606F using Tapatalk

[Celery Man 20996]

Good "hello" posts both of you guys.

Bodhi, your post reminds me of in the long long ago, leaving parties so that I could drink like I needed to drink.

Welcome to the both of you.

[Macanudo 13012]

59 minutes ago, Celery Man said:

Bold choice of day.

Bwahahahaha. 

Honestly, today would have been one of those days that I "paced myself" and be relatively responsible.   I might have even made it a few days without a drink after this because I was proud of myself for not getting drunk today.  And then Tuesday or Wednesday I would have gotten lit up.   

One day at a time, right?