I'm An Alcoholic

[NAVY 6747]

Hey there Bodhi and Mecanudo.  I share a lot of common elements in your stories.  I’m 2 years and two weeks sauce free today. Gotta tell you that freedom from alco-guilt and the cycle of booze is fantastic. Go for it homies. 
 

Lurking and posting here helped me enormously. Keep your chins up 

Edited February 13, 2022 by NAVY

[JohnnyRage 1617]

Just not today…maybe tomorrow, but fuck-to-the-no on today.

[BearSchlong 8117]

Good stuff yall.

The epiphany of self-diagnosis. The moment of clarity.

The most valuable moment in my whole life.

Put a fork in me, I'm done.

[Reagan1k 3024]

I was always telling myself that I would get help if I ever crossed “X” line, but the disease keeps moving that line farther and farther away (and closer to destruction of some sort).

I didn’t know what “help” even looked like but I now know that was the fantasy that there would be some mental or physical trick to allow me to simultaneously control AND enjoy my drinking.  Stopping all-together was not an option I ever considered as I couldn’t imagine life without my crutch.

It is possible to live in peace without the drink after all.  Who knew????

There is a solution and I’m so grateful that it was demonstrated to me. 

Glad you folks are here.  

[BearSchlong 8117]

Best way I can describe it.  A whole lot of dead ends and frustration before some synapse fired and I somehow made a good decision and took action.

Edited February 14, 2022 by BearSchlong

[Celery Man 21004]

I knew it was not normal/was a problem or was going to be a problem for a decade and always thought "i'll stop at x point" or when X happens or "if I don't do x than this is manageable", etc. I remember at some point, years before I got sober, thinking "one 6 pack a night is no big deal" and that was when I drank a shit ton of red hook IPA. The analogy for me by the time I wanted to get out - 

we can get that window open, buddies

 

[BearSchlong 8117]

On 2/13/2022 at 12:17 AM, Bodhi said:

I started drinking at 13 and smoking weed by 15.  I always liked to experiment.  Thankfully, I thought, I didn’t have an addictive personality.  While I experimented, it never went past that.  Weed, shrooms, extasy, Oxy, etc. never sank their hooks in me. 

When I was 18, I went off to some below average state school.  For most of us, no matter your major, your minor was binge drinking.  Nobody I was around drank a few beers.  We drank all the beers and as quickly as possible.  Kings Cup, quarters, asshole, etc. were all fun games to accelerate our drunkenness.  That’s what it’s all about, right?  You threw up, no problem, puking rally.  Still, things felt under control.  Drinking was mostly done 2-3 times a week and I was Dean’s List routinely.  Drinking to excess couldn’t be a problem if I was excelling in other areas.

My 20’s were more of the same.  Drink twice a week to excess.  Only now, I realized that plenty of people around me weren’t behaving in the same manner.  My excessive consumption was more noticeable and it brought a dose of shame.  So, I did what any reasonable person would do, isolate myself from the non-drinkers.  They were too uptight and boring to hang around anyways.  That left me surrounded by people with similar behaviors and nobody to make me feel guilty.  Problem solved and let the good times roll. 

It wasn’t until my mid 30s where I realized my drinking was becoming an issue.  Most of my friends had slowed way down by then.  I hadn’t, but most of them didn’t notice or at least didn’t say anything.  I knew I was abusive with alcohol but still figured I had it under control.  I wasn’t getting arrested, stayed in good shape, was moving up the corporate ladder, and had married an absolute amazing woman.  That didn’t excuse my drinking, but it gave me the illusion that the damage from it could be mitigated.

I just hit my 40s and know my behavior is unacceptable and I don’t have this under control anymore.  At first that didn’t stop anything, rather just made me very secretive about my drinking.  I’m fairly bright, detailed oriented, and observe a lot around me.  These qualities were key as I started to hide my drinking.  Bottles hidden around the house, stopping at a bar before I go to the party so I can have an extra 3 drinks nobody sees, picking up a tall can and drinking it on the way home so my wife only notices me having a couple beers that night.  Recently, not surprisingly drunk, I admitted to a close friend I have a problem.  The next morning, I informed my wife as well.  She already knew but probably not to the full extent.  She also admitted she has a problem with alcohol which brings me unbearable guilt.  I brought her into this drinking culture and truly don’t think she would have this issue if she hadn’t met me.

I still think, perhaps naively, I can get this under control.  Telling those two people I have a drinking problem created some accountability that was lacking before.  I set some strict drinking rules I feel any normal person should be able to abide by.  If I can’t follow those, then I shouldn’t have a drink ever again.  Maybe that is the inevitable outcome of this and I’m just the last to know. 

My alcoholism is defined by consequences.  When they become unacceptable, then I'll give up the root action.  That's alcohol doing it's job.  In AA we allude to alcohol being a "great persuader" and I always look on my 22 yr drinking career as thorough field research.

The alcoholic is always the last to know, it's like walking into a surprise party that is actually a surprise.  Or being the last person in class to realize how to solve a particularly vexing problem.

Loved your post, closely parallels my story except I was married to a nutjob.

One observation regarding marriage - based on my experience sponsoring married alcoholics they report that it becomes incredibly easy to cosign your partner's bullshit.  I've seen so many couples where one or the other tried to stop drinking but because their entire social foundation revolved around the cocktail/foodie circuit they ran into immense difficulty separating their "diseases" from the marriage.  They'll do a tour of AA and then I'll see them out on the town, drinking with their spouse, and they shrug and tell me that's just the way it is.

It's incredibly common in AA to see a couple with identical dry dates, or within a few weeks of each other.

[BearSchlong 8117]

20 hours ago, Macanudo said:

Bwahahahaha. 

Honestly, today would have been one of those days that I "paced myself" and be relatively responsible.   I might have even made it a few days without a drink after this because I was proud of myself for not getting drunk today.  And then Tuesday or Wednesday I would have gotten lit up.   

One day at a time, right?

 

Quitting drinking was easy for me.

Staying stopped is why I keep going to those damned meetings that are for quitters.

The first 50 or so pages of the AA big book describe exactly what you posted.

[hullabelew 3724]

I tried and tried and quit for about 7 years.  I just never could, even going to meetings.  I had to finally realize I couldn't do it myself and a couple of great friends and my wife helped be get into a treatment center.  It wasn't until I got the stuff completely out of my system that I could even begin to work on myself.  Plus, being completely away from life while at the treatment center was a huge asset for me.  

 

[hullabelew 3724]

Should say:   I tried and tried TO quit for about 7 years. 

 

[closetohumping 17480]

On 2/13/2022 at 10:44 AM, JohnnyRage said:

Just not today…maybe tomorrow, but fuck-to-the-no on today.

You alright?

[JohnnyRage 1617]

45 minutes ago, closetohumping said:

You alright?

Yeah, that was in response to Macanudo’s “One day at a time, right?” But Navy dropped a new page torpedo in between.

At least that’s how my brain works and I know that I’m not close to a drink, a thought comes up and wafts around, and the next thought is, “Oh fuck na. No thanks.”

[JohnnyRage 1617]

But I am having thoughts about going back in after my upcoming two year anniversary. That is the longest I’ve ever made it.
 

My insanity has a theory.

[Celery Man 21004]

Stick around and the next day will be a new the longest you’ve ever made it.

[Dewey 3296]

You can quit for many reasons,  your job, significant other,  your parents, your family,  but ultimately,  you have to quit for yourself.  When I was told that in month one, I couldn't figure out how I could quit for myself,  I didn't like myself.  I had more in common with those offing themselves than I did with any other human being.  It wasn't until year 3 when I realized I had indeed quit for myself,  that despite my doubts of doing "this" the righy way, i was indeed searching for a peace of mind and I now have this inkling that this might be the second half of my life and I want to live it to its fullest (damn these fears lol), but I'm trying and I believe the longer I try, the more will come true. 

So as you quit, and you have doubts and maybe this can be solved by some other means, stay the course. Let time and new practices take their hold, once you see one change, you will see many more. Your search for instant relief, a quick escape is why you're here, so it's time to take it easy and trust it all. 

 

[Loop 1604 227]

I’m 32. Just went to my first AA meeting yesterday. 14 days without a drink now. Longest since I turned 21.
 

Fuck alcohol man. I will not drink with y’all today.

[BearSchlong 8117]

14 hours ago, Loop 1604 said:

I’m 32. Just went to my first AA meeting yesterday. 14 days without a drink now. Longest since I turned 21.
 

Fuck alcohol man. I will not drink with y’all today.

Congratulations.  SATX?

When I saw your username I had a flashback to falling asleep in various parking lots around that town in the back of my old Grand Cherokee.  My last drink was at Liberty Bar.

Edited February 16, 2022 by BearSchlong

[Macanudo 13018]

A couple of things that I have swirling through my head....

One of my big hang ups on going to AA is that my Dad was a regular attendee.   He was always looking to help/fix someone else for the control and ego boost it gave him.    He is not the only person in AA that I know like that.  I know deep down that is not the case for all AA attendees but it's always left a bitter taste in my mouth.   

I also understand the strong spirituality (and not solely) religious aspect of it.   I was raised in a very religious family.   I shed being religious in college but still have a spiritual side.  I have never fully been able to stop believing in something bigger than myself.   I don't know what that is and I don't even particularly care.   It brings me peace being on a hike and feel that serenity of being surrounded by beauty.   Or when I am spending time with my family.  We just got back from Disney World and even thought it was a beating we had fun and the Macanudo-ettes enjoyed themselves and we did it as a family.   

I guess just going to a meeting can't hurt but worry that my inner negativity about it will sabotage me.   I try not to be judgmental of others because I don't know their circumstances but I do it all the same some times.   I know that for a long time I justified my drinking because it wasn't as bad as someone else's (allegedly.)   But really, it has been.   Just because I've never wrecked a car or gotten a DUI doesn't mean I haven't gotten behind the wheel entirely too many times when I should not have.   Hell, I can't count the number of times I've gotten a fountain drink and then poured liquor in it or grabbed a tall boy for the ride.   Or that because I've never trashed a room or hurt someone physically doesn't mean that I wasn't hurtful in emotional ways.  

I work from home now (I have been since March 2020) and really enjoy that because I get so much more time back rather than spending 90-120 minutes commuting every day.   But it has also allowed me to have A LOT of alone time.   I'm not even at double digit days or even more than 100 hours since my last drink.   As of now it's only been 3 full days.   I absolutely can not deny that the thought of "just one" has crept into my head.   One of the things I have to remember is how I feel in the morning waking up sober.   I don't usually get big hangovers but would feel emotionally drained and then have to worry about what I might have said or done the day before.   And even if I had not said anything particularly stupid, dumb or hurtful, I have definitely stumbled around the house and slurred words or been incomprehensible.   That has take a toll on everyone around me and affected all of my relationships.  

I appreciate the space to come over here and just spew.   I'm an open book in some ways to my friends and family.   I am very outgoing and have never met a stranger but my inner thoughts aren't always as easy to share with even my closest friends or family members.  

[Brisketexan 105446]

Mac, you know I love you, brother.  And your journey in this respect is one I can only share via observation, not individual experience.

All of that said.  Just go to a meeting.  No expectations, no demands, no nothing.  Just go, being completely open.  Then, go to the next meeting.  "Journey of 1,000 miles begins with one step," all that shit.  You know it's true.  So, just take that step.  Then take the next one.  Etc.

And if you just want to unload on someone who won't judge you (although I reserve my right to laugh at any stupid shit you've done), you know how to reach me.

[JohnnyRage 1617]

@Macanudo Some hard drinkers can stop if they have sufficient reasons, maybe that's you. Others of us recognized those reasons and really wanted to stop but found the rinse repeat practically impossible. This makes the game theory for us very easy. We didn't have a choice, we had to stop in order to save everything and anything good that was left in our lives. Some bottoms are higher than others, but we are not terminally unique.

Try going to Speaker Meetings, a lot less opinions and interactions. Try having an open mind, it sounds like you are capable of that. The Hive may just blow your mind.

[pch 1261]

8 hours ago, Macanudo said:

A couple of things that I have swirling through my head....

One of my big hang ups on going to AA is that my Dad was a regular attendee.   He was always looking to help/fix someone else for the control and ego boost it gave him.    He is not the only person in AA that I know like that.  I know deep down that is not the case for all AA attendees but it's always left a bitter taste in my mouth.   

I also understand the strong spirituality (and not solely) religious aspect of it.   I was raised in a very religious family.   I shed being religious in college but still have a spiritual side.  I have never fully been able to stop believing in something bigger than myself.   I don't know what that is and I don't even particularly care.   It brings me peace being on a hike and feel that serenity of being surrounded by beauty.   Or when I am spending time with my family.  We just got back from Disney World and even thought it was a beating we had fun and the Macanudo-ettes enjoyed themselves and we did it as a family.   

I guess just going to a meeting can't hurt but worry that my inner negativity about it will sabotage me.   I try not to be judgmental of others because I don't know their circumstances but I do it all the same some times.   I know that for a long time I justified my drinking because it wasn't as bad as someone else's (allegedly.)   But really, it has been.   Just because I've never wrecked a car or gotten a DUI doesn't mean I haven't gotten behind the wheel entirely too many times when I should not have.   Hell, I can't count the number of times I've gotten a fountain drink and then poured liquor in it or grabbed a tall boy for the ride.   Or that because I've never trashed a room or hurt someone physically doesn't mean that I wasn't hurtful in emotional ways.  

I work from home now (I have been since March 2020) and really enjoy that because I get so much more time back rather than spending 90-120 minutes commuting every day.   But it has also allowed me to have A LOT of alone time.   I'm not even at double digit days or even more than 100 hours since my last drink.   As of now it's only been 3 full days.   I absolutely can not deny that the thought of "just one" has crept into my head.   One of the things I have to remember is how I feel in the morning waking up sober.   I don't usually get big hangovers but would feel emotionally drained and then have to worry about what I might have said or done the day before.   And even if I had not said anything particularly stupid, dumb or hurtful, I have definitely stumbled around the house and slurred words or been incomprehensible.   That has take a toll on everyone around me and affected all of my relationships.  

I appreciate the space to come over here and just spew.   I'm an open book in some ways to my friends and family.   I am very outgoing and have never met a stranger but my inner thoughts aren't always as easy to share with even my closest friends or family members.  

Your honesty expressed here will be a strength should you decide to take the plunge in the rooms of AA.  If this were a zoom meeting and all of us could see each other, after hearing this, there would be a lot of nodding heads because we have had the same thoughts at one time.  Stay with us here but please consider finding a group that you can call home-it will be worth it.

[TwiceHorn 31571]

8 hours ago, Macanudo said:

He was always looking to help/fix someone else for the control and ego boost it gave him.    He is not the only person in AA that I know like that.

Well, a big part of the program is helping others.  Some are more aggro about it than others, but it's part of the deal.  It's why this thread exists and is 75 pages long.

Only you would know what your father's motivations were, but I wonder if this isn't thinking infected by some deep-seated animosity rather than a clear-eyed view of it.

And, yes, those of a religious bent, or a previously religious bent can come through recovery more religious than ever, for all that entails, good or bad.  But I find the majority of people raised religiously, or not, even, find a new approach to religion and spirituality that works for them and is healthier than previous experiences.

[BearSchlong 8117]

Agreed. Part of why I stayed out for so long was thinking that AA was great for my dad but I didn't need it. And right now I'm sitting beside his hospital bed 100% present in the moment.

Who the hell cares about motivation for helping a drunk? At least I finally show talent for something besides self sabotage.

I've ego tripped on it, and I've been humility incarnate. I settle out somewhere in the middle. I've done AA perfectly and horribly and adequately.

Alcoholics anonymous is by far the most fascinating group of people I've ever encountered. I can't imagine not being a member.

[Macanudo 13018]

Went to my first meeting tonight and got served a humongous piece of humble pie.

The group I went to is on a chapter study.   Tonight was Chapter 7....  Humility.  As we read through the chapter and people spoke, it was a pretty big reminder to me that I'm not special or unique.  I'm an addict.

Question for the regulars...  The group ended with the Lord's Prayer.  Is that normal?

[BearSchlong 8117]

Yes, 95% of meetings end with that.

But at my home group we end with the 7th step prayer.

God I am now ready that you should have all of me, good and bad, I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character that stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen.

Am guessing that the book study was 12 and 12 (12 steps and 12 traditions)? Ring a bell? The skinny book?

[TwiceHorn 31571]

4 minutes ago, Macanudo said:

Went to my first meeting tonight and got served a humongous piece of humble pie.

The group I went to is on a chapter study.   Tonight was Chapter 7....  Humility.  As we read through the chapter and people spoke, it was a pretty big reminder to me that I'm not special or unique.  I'm an addict.

Question for the regulars...  The group ended with the Lord's Prayer.  Is that normal?

It is.

 

15 minutes ago, BearSchlong said:

Agreed. Part of why I stayed out for so long was thinking that AA was great for my dad but I didn't need it. And right now I'm sitting beside his hospital bed 100% present in the moment.

Who the hell cares about motivation for helping a drunk? At least I finally show talent for something besides self sabotage.

I've ego tripped on it, and I've been humility incarnate. I settle out somewhere in the middle. I've done AA perfectly and horribly and adequately.

Alcoholics anonymous is by far the most fascinating group of people I've ever encountered. I can't imagine not being a member.

One of the major points of helping others is that it is an extraordinarily effective way to get out of your own head.  It works for all kinds of maladies that feature that problem. So, applying first things first, the motivation is secondary.

Edited February 17, 2022 by TwiceHorn

[Macanudo 13018]

Yes, the chapter study is the 12 and 12. 

When I left the house, I told my kids I had to run an errand.  I did, sort of, because I went to HEB and bought some shampoo they'd asked for.  When I got home my youngest (she's 15 now) asked where I went and I was honest.   I told her I went to an AA meeting.   She said she was proud of me. 

Of all the ways my daughter could make me happy I would have never had this one on my Bingo card.

[hullabelew 3724]

Humility?  I was talking with some guys from my treatment center.  We meet 4 nights a week, not as an AA meeting but just to check in on each other.  One guy was talking about going to a Super Bowl party and being pissed because his friends weren't drinking and he was knew they were doing it because he was now sober.  He was pissed the entire time and even more pissed when he got home.  He went to bed mad because they weren't drinking because of him.

The next day, he learned that one of the guys wasn't drinking because he was on antibiotics.  Another was having surgery the next day so he wasn't drinking.  The 3rd guy wasn't drinking because he was just recovering from COVID and didn't want to drink.  So, he got himself into a shitty mood because he was convinced everyone was thinking about him and his new sobriety.  

It's all about us, isn't it.  We are all unique...just like everyone else.    

[Kennythetiger 9481]

1 hour ago, hullabelew said:

Humility?  I was talking with some guys from my treatment center.  We meet 4 nights a week, not as an AA meeting but just to check in on each other.  One guy was talking about going to a Super Bowl party and being pissed because his friends weren't drinking and he was knew they were doing it because he was now sober.  He was pissed the entire time and even more pissed when he got home.  He went to bed mad because they weren't drinking because of him.

The next day, he learned that one of the guys wasn't drinking because he was on antibiotics.  Another was having surgery the next day so he wasn't drinking.  The 3rd guy wasn't drinking because he was just recovering from COVID and didn't want to drink.  So, he got himself into a shitty mood because he was convinced everyone was thinking about him and his new sobriety.  

It's all about us, isn't it.  We are all unique...just like everyone else.    

Goddamn. This happens to me all the time. Not the sober friends part, the pissed about nothing part. Thanks for your post. 

[Moby Ric 2058]

I am joining this club.  I have not had a drink since Jan 30th.  I have a therapist helping me and for now that is working.  I am embarrassed, and ashamed at my behavior.  I have let it get out of control and said and done things that at the time were not me.  I have no memory of the crap I have put my wife through.  But she remembers and she has shared those with me, and I have to live with that.  January was the last straw and it is time to be a better husband, father, overall person.  I would like to share more but my thoughts are all over the place.  I may be losing my wife.

Demons are very real.

[pch 1261]

Glad you are here Moby.  Sounds like you have had a moment of clarity which happens when the insanity of uncontrolled drinking becomes apparent. Anything that we can do to help you on this journey back to sanity and a purposeful life only needs be asked.   Nineteen days without a drink is a good start.

[hullabelew 3724]

2 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

Goddamn. This happens to me all the time. Not the sober friends part, the pissed about nothing part. Thanks for your post. 

A buddy asked me one time, "Are you really have a bad day, or just a bad 5 minutes that you let ruin your entire day?"   That has always stuck with me and helped with my pissed off at nothing part.  Are maybe I had a right to be pissed off, I just didn't need to hold on to it all fucking day long.  Be pissed, what was my part, let it go.  

Edited February 17, 2022 by hullabelew

[Macanudo 13018]

2 minutes ago, hullabelew said:

A buddy asked me one time, "Are you really have a bad day, or just a bad 5 minutes that you let ruin your entire day?"   That has always stuck with me and helped with my pissed off at nothing part.  Are maybe I had a right to be pissed off, I just didn't need to hold on to it all fucking day long.  Be pissed, what was my part, let it go.  

Like......   Easy does it?

[BearSchlong 8117]

3 hours ago, Moby Ric said:

 I am embarrassed, and ashamed at my behavior.  I have let it get out of control and said and done things that at the time were not me.  I have no memory of the crap I have put my wife through.

@Moby Ric - You seem to have figured out one of the cruxes of alcoholism, in that it's not how much you drink, or how often, but what you do when you drink that has direct and proximate consequences in your relationships.

We terrify people.

I could write for hours on the shit that I've thought and done drunk that would cause me to recoil in mortified horror when sober.

A summary would be that when I drink, I become physically violent, emotionally abusive, and sexually adventurous.

And of course the next day I had no memory of any of it.

From the AA Big Book:

Quote

Here is the fellow who has been puzzling you, especially in his lack of control. He does absurd, incredible, tragic things while drinking. He is a real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He is seldom mildly intoxicated. He is always more or less insanely drunk. His disposition while drinking resembles his normal nature but little. He may be one of the finest fellows in the world. Yet let him drink for a day, and he frequently becomes disgustingly, and even dangerously anti-social. He has a positive genius for getting tight at exactly the wrong moment, particularly when some important decision must be made or engagement kept. He is often perfectly sensible and well balanced concerning everything except liquor, but in that respect he is incredibly dishonest and selfish. He often possesses special abilities, skills, and aptitudes, and has a promising career ahead of him. He uses his gifts to build up a bright outlook for his family and himself, and then pulls the structure down on his head by a senseless series of sprees. 

The first time I read "let him drink for a day and he frequently becomes disgustedly and even dangerously anti-social" I laughed maniacally because it was so accurate. 

Glad you're at least in therapy and in this forum.  That might be enough.  If not, know that alcoholics have a particularly strong understanding of each other, because we've been there, done that.  Like PCH said in a previous post, if we all got together on zoom we'd be nodding our heads in solidarity.

3 hours ago, Moby Ric said:

  I am embarrassed, and ashamed at my behavior.

We specialize in dealing with this, exactly.  We stop attempting damage control, get really really honest, accept our humanity as a matter of fact, grin and bear facing up to the wreckage of our past, and let a higher power reveal a vastly more satisfying and meaningful existence.

We simply can't live with guilt shame and remorse.

Edited February 17, 2022 by BearSchlong

[DallasHorn26 586]

On 2/16/2022 at 9:49 AM, Macanudo said:

 

One of my big hang ups on going to AA is that my Dad was a regular attendee.   He was always looking to help/fix someone else for the control and ego boost it gave him.    He is not the only person in AA that I know like that.  I know deep down that is not the case for all AA attendees but it's always left a bitter taste in my mouth.   

  

First of all, thank you for posting and I'm glad you went to a meeting. I had a bad taste in my mouth to begin with about AA. I always thought it was just a bunch of old men bellyaching about not being able to drink any more, but I've found so much more.

 

My suggestion is to listen in the meetings, find a guy that can match your stories and sponsor up. If you have a book, start reading it from the Doctor's opinion. I thought for the longest time I had to address trauma and past hurts to be able to drink normally. I tried therapy, meds, you name it and yet I still drank the way I did. The doctor's opinion explains the allergy and the phenomenon of craving that baffles us and the ones around us. 

 

I can't speak for your father, but my biggest  insurance against the next drink comes from helping others and that can come in many forms. These feelings/hang-ups you describe are addressed in the family afterward (ch 9) of the Big Book. 

[Reagan1k 3024]

On 2/17/2022 at 11:02 AM, Kennythetiger said:

Goddamn. This happens to me all the time. Not the sober friends part, the pissed about nothing part. Thanks for your post. 

Yep-  and I “try” to remember that if I repeatedly encounter assholes in a given day…. I’m the common denominator in those interactions- meaning it’s probably my expectations, attitude, and spiritual condition that are driving what I’m feeling.  No one woke up today thinking about how they can ruin MY day.  

Life is what happens around me but it’s not happening TO ME- I’m just living in this world for now so I’m going to experience life.  I encounter life and it’s situations- they aren’t pointed at me.

Just TRYING to remember that is progress and that’s for what we strive.

Never perfect, but a shit-ton better than it was! 
 

[Macanudo 13018]

Every day is a test.   It's not really hard to study for but the length is a bitch.

[Kennythetiger 9481]

Old guy in my group says, “If one day at a time is too much, do one hour at a time.”  

[Celery Man 21004]

3 hours ago, Macanudo said:

Every day is a test.   It's not really hard to study for but the length is a bitch.

[Macanudo 13018]

Small victories, right?   First weekend in I don't know how long that I did not drink.  Yesterday, was a business holiday but everyone else was at school.   I slept until after 9:00, watched loud, obnoxious dude stuff on Netflix and generally enjoyed a day home alone.  I thought about how I normally would have taken advantage of being home alone to have a few but NOT drinking was a relief.   I knew I wasn't going to do something (alcohol related) that was stupid.   

9 days.    Not very long but the longest I've gone in a really, really long time.  

[The Royal We 3072]

On 2/16/2022 at 9:22 PM, Macanudo said:

Yes, the chapter study is the 12 and 12. 

When I left the house, I told my kids I had to run an errand.  I did, sort of, because I went to HEB and bought some shampoo they'd asked for.  When I got home my youngest (she's 15 now) asked where I went and I was honest.   I told her I went to an AA meeting.   She said she was proud of me. 

Of all the ways my daughter could make me happy I would have never had this one on my Bingo card.

This is some awesome shit Mac, thank you for sharing.  This has to be a great feeling that you are doing an amazing job in raising your daughter and you are doing the right thing. 

[Macanudo 13018]

1 hour ago, The Royal We said:

This is some awesome shit Mac, thank you for sharing.  This has to be a great feeling that you are doing an amazing job in raising your daughter and you are doing the right thing. 

Let's not get ahead of ourselves.   They're teenagers.    I'm not sure what the hell I'm doing now.  

[The Royal We 3072]

Yea, sorry.  That's fair.  I can just understand being proud of your daughter in that moment, however humbling the moment was for you.

[Reagan1k 3024]

3 hours ago, Macanudo said:

Small victories, right?   First weekend in I don't know how long that I did not drink.  Yesterday, was a business holiday but everyone else was at school.   I slept until after 9:00, watched loud, obnoxious dude stuff on Netflix and generally enjoyed a day home alone.  I thought about how I normally would have taken advantage of being home alone to have a few but NOT drinking was a relief.   I knew I wasn't going to do something (alcohol related) that was stupid.   

9 days.    Not very long but the longest I've gone in a really, really long time.  

Keep ticking those days off.

There isn’t anything right now that a drink or ten will make better.

Happy for you.  That’s a great feeling when some clarity seeps in. 

[Macanudo 13018]

1 hour ago, Reagan1k said:

There isn’t anything right now that a drink or ten will make better.

 

Good thing it's not football season.  🤘

[BearSchlong 8117]

Just finished a book that spoke to me as a great analog to "restless, irritable, and discontent" - Jay Glaser calls it "The Gray" which makes a lot of sense to me.  He battles it using a few strategies that include service work, humor, and having a team of trusted friends to rely on when he's depressed.

Some good NFL insider stories, an overwhelming serving of stream of consciousness self-help mania, and a nod to spirituality, but definitely something useful for this alcoholic.  "The Gray" clicked with me, as did using humor.

I never really thought about it, but I really rely on humor to take myself less seriously in the rooms. And I need to do it in another way because apparently I'm also an Al Anon/Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

My dad had a heart attack a few weeks ago and my sister flew in from across the country to spend a little time with him. He's at a point where he could have 5 minutes, 5 days, or 5 years left.  My sister and I have also been avoiding serious discussions with our mother (who is NOT married to my dad, nor remarried after their divorce in the early '90) because quite frankly we were afraid of what we would find.

So the other night I said a few things to my 75 yr old mother, who has created quite a mess for herself with debt and daily wine drinking.  I told her I don't answer the phone after 6pm because I'm tired of listening to her drunken spiels.  She drinks every single day.  My sister agreed with me.

Right over her head.  She just looked at me with sadness.

I think I'm headed to Al Anon, because I'm really fucking mad and judgemental at her for being such an unmanageable wreck, when I should be loving and understanding.  It's like ok my dad got sober 29 years ago, I got sober 11 years ago, why does she insist on remaining a defiant ball of pride and ego and unmanageability?

Then I clear my head and think that I'm really just pointing the finger at myself because I was the exact same way for so long.  I'm going to have to learn how to use humor to shrug off the strong emotions.

She's in God's hands.  I think I'll just buy her a Big Book and leave it on her living room table.

Edited February 23, 2022 by BearSchlong

[Moby Ric 2058]

Still going here, still fighting the good fight.  The wife is coming around since she is seeing that I am serious about being committed to family and not the alcohol.  The first couple weeks were pretty rough.  She has let me know where I fucked up, but I think it was good for her to get things off her chest.  I am in  place where I am accepting responsibility for my actions so I am willing to listen.  But we have decided that the milk is spilled and there is no need to dwell too long on it, but to move forward.  Sleep is hit or miss, and my diet is kind of off, strange cravings and such.  I have not been to the gym in a while and I am having trouble getting motivated to go.  There is booze in the house, but I am not craving it, I think my body just does not want it and is wanting this change.  The real challenge will be when the wife leaves town for a few days and if I have the self control to stay sober.  I tell myself that I can, and that the breaking of the trust that I am trying to rebuild with her is worth the work.  I know the second I take a sip of booze I have to start all over again.  I know the that starting over will be harder than the first time.  With both the alcohol and the wife.  Someone said it here already, I would rather have zero drinks, than just one.  I can't have just one, no matter how loud that voice that is trying to trip me up tells me I can drink.  Fuck that guy.

[Macanudo 13018]

13 minutes ago, Moby Ric said:

 I can't have just one, no matter how loud that voice that is trying to trip me up tells me I can drink.  Fuck that guy.

Yeah, that guy is an asshole.  

[Dewey 3296]

4 hours ago, Moby Ric said:

Still going here, still fighting the good fight.  The wife is coming around since she is seeing that I am serious about being committed to family and not the alcohol.  The first couple weeks were pretty rough.  She has let me know where I fucked up, but I think it was good for her to get things off her chest.  I am in  place where I am accepting responsibility for my actions so I am willing to listen.  But we have decided that the milk is spilled and there is no need to dwell too long on it, but to move forward.  Sleep is hit or miss, and my diet is kind of off, strange cravings and such.  I have not been to the gym in a while and I am having trouble getting motivated to go.  There is booze in the house, but I am not craving it, I think my body just does not want it and is wanting this change.  The real challenge will be when the wife leaves town for a few days and if I have the self control to stay sober.  I tell myself that I can, and that the breaking of the trust that I am trying to rebuild with her is worth the work.  I know the second I take a sip of booze I have to start all over again.  I know the that starting over will be harder than the first time.  With both the alcohol and the wife.  Someone said it here already, I would rather have zero drinks, than just one.  I can't have just one, no matter how loud that voice that is trying to trip me up tells me I can drink.  Fuck that guy.

I'm not big on meetings,  the 12 steps did get me sober. I still read AA material every day, I just don't go to meetings anymore,  personal choice.  My first year of sobriety I did attend,  I probably did 70-80 days in a row and it was extremely beneficial to me. I've seen too many think they got control ealry on , only to get their ass kicked the next day. That demon in your head is going to get you when she goes out of town, a meeting would greatly help you. Get through a year, that's when you truly start to trust yourself, the fools gold has worn thin by then. Remorse is keeping you sober right now, you need to climb the ladder to a better understanding. Congratulations on your sobriety and keep getting better,  work on it. 

[Celery Man 21004]

keep yourself busy while your wife is gone. go to a meeting, maybe finally drag yourself to the gym like you've been talking about, do a project, go see a movie, etc