I'm An Alcoholic

[JohnnyRage 1617]

@Moby Ric I’m not a bar guy unless I was trying to have some pussy fall in my lap. If you are not a bar guy, someone that likes the social aspect of hearing about other people’s lives, get the alcohol out of the house while she’s gone.

This isn’t a test.

Of course you can just drive to the nearest corner store and buy some more or fly solo for some restaurant food and remember how yummy margaritas are, but those bars are at least higher if the alcohol starts talking to you when from the recliner or working on a handy project in the garage all you have to do is walk into a different room and open a cabinet.

This isn’t a test. Also go to meetings while she’s gone. Don’t fuck around and find out.

[Macanudo 12976]

Just over two weeks.   But fair warning, if WWIII does really start and nukes start getting shot around the world,  I'm definitely falling off the wagon.  

[BearSchlong 8083]

Got some sad news to share, Diablo passed away in January.  He was MARCO on Baylor affiliated boards.  I searched but looks like I get to break the news.

https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/name/mark-terry-obituary?id=32396700

For some reason I had the urge to call him just now and his phone went straight to VM so I hit google and found his obituary.

Last year we talked frequently as he had just bought a house and needed some technical advice, and his mom had passed away the previous June.  Last conversation we had, he was putting up a privacy fence so he could piss in his backyard in north Waco near Cameron Park without getting arrested for indecency. We agreed that yard pissing is really the pinnacle of manhood and home ownership.  Helluva last conversation, my friend.

From time to time when I was in Waco seeing my then-school aged children, I'd swing by his old apartment and take him to a meeting, since he was basically blind.  We'd go sit at Starbucks on Wooded Acres and shoot the shit for a few hours and I'd hit the road back to Beaumont.

After a few years of really awful vodka riddled phone calls (and awkward candid photo shoots at the apartment pool) he somehow got sober, and really flourished in spite of his vision challenges.  He became a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous and did what he could to carry the message.

Mark, my friend, I had so hoped to hear your voice tonight when I called, but I take solace knowing you're at peace.  Sending blessings, love, and light to your family in their time of loss.

[JohnnyRage 1617]

@BearSchlong You mean the guy that restarted this thread? Seemed like such a kind soul, at least his recovered one.

[TwiceHorn 31440]

2 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

Got some sad news to share, Diablo passed away in January.  He was MARCO on Baylor affiliated boards.  I searched but looks like I get to break the news.

https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/name/mark-terry-obituary?id=32396700

For some reason I had the urge to call him just now and his phone went straight to VM so I hit google and found his obituary.

Last year we talked frequently as he had just bought a house and needed some technical advice, and his mom had passed away the previous June.  Last conversation we had, he was putting up a privacy fence so he could piss in his backyard in north Waco near Cameron Park without getting arrested for indecency. We agreed that yard pissing is really the pinnacle of manhood and home ownership.  Helluva last conversation, my friend.

From time to time when I was in Waco seeing my then-school aged children, I'd swing by his old apartment and take him to a meeting, since he was basically blind.  We'd go sit at Starbucks on Wooded Acres and shoot the shit for a few hours and I'd hit the road back to Beaumont.

After a few years of really awful vodka riddled phone calls (and awkward candid photo shoots at the apartment pool) he somehow got sober, and really flourished in spite of his vision challenges.  He became a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous and did what he could to carry the message.

Mark, my friend, I had so hoped to hear your voice tonight when I called, but I take solace knowing you're at peace.  Sending blessings, love, and light to your family in their time of loss.

Aw shit.  He got some grief from time to time, undeserved, but was a good guy.  RIP Mark.

Someone should alert immamac now that we have a status for deceased posters.

Edited March 2, 2022 by TwiceHorn

[DalTxHornFan 3097]

3 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

Got some sad news to share, Diablo passed away in January.  He was MARCO on Baylor affiliated boards.  I searched but looks like I get to break the news.

https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/name/mark-terry-obituary?id=32396700

For some reason I had the urge to call him just now and his phone went straight to VM so I hit google and found his obituary.

Last year we talked frequently as he had just bought a house and needed some technical advice, and his mom had passed away the previous June.  Last conversation we had, he was putting up a privacy fence so he could piss in his backyard in north Waco near Cameron Park without getting arrested for indecency. We agreed that yard pissing is really the pinnacle of manhood and home ownership.  Helluva last conversation, my friend.

From time to time when I was in Waco seeing my then-school aged children, I'd swing by his old apartment and take him to a meeting, since he was basically blind.  We'd go sit at Starbucks on Wooded Acres and shoot the shit for a few hours and I'd hit the road back to Beaumont.

After a few years of really awful vodka riddled phone calls (and awkward candid photo shoots at the apartment pool) he somehow got sober, and really flourished in spite of his vision challenges.  He became a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous and did what he could to carry the message.

Mark, my friend, I had so hoped to hear your voice tonight when I called, but I take solace knowing you're at peace.  Sending blessings, love, and light to your family in their time of loss.

RIP Mark.  Thankfully, I only lurk on this topic but so appreciate how real you guys are.  Best thread on Surly, for sure.

[Shoxthemonkey 1977]

Damn. R.I.P. Mark. Your transformation here was a joy to behold. I'm gonna miss you.

 

 

 

[hullabelew 3723]

Dammit.  

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

Mother F. Diablo was always a bright spot here with a good attitude about all his shit. He poked some fun at himself about his eyesight and seemed to take everything in stride, including his issues with booze and seemed like an absolutely genuine person. I have no doubt he'll be missed by everyone who knew him, because I'll miss him and didn't even know him.   

[troph 24781]

Man that sucks I really liked him. I hope there is peace. Y’all carry on, I’m just a visitor here.  

[Moby Ric 2058]

Finishing up week 5 and still sober.  I appreciate all the info and advice.  I seem to be getting into a good routine and doing just fine.  Go to the Dr next week for  check up.  Curious to see how that goes since they are doing blood work.

[Celery Man 20933]

Great work Moby.

 

 Man that’s a bummer about El Diablo. Rest In Peace buddy.

[BearSchlong 8083]

My dad died tonight. Had a massive heart attack while on the way home from Church's Chicken. Single car accident, he flipped the SUV.

I was on the way to his house and saw the ambulance driving to the hospital.

Died with 29 years sober. My best friend.

[JohnnyRage 1617]

Damn Bear. I too would like to die with fried chicken in my heart.

I'm happy for you that you have God. I get that that understanding has morphed, matured and regressed in ways over your journey, but you have something that others do not. You also have a purpose.

 

You are the rock of this thread. Thank you.

[Kennythetiger 9376]

Everything Johnny said so well. Me too. 

[Shoxthemonkey 1977]

So often, on Surly and other boards, the first response is the perfect one. Thanks @JohnnyRage for saying what I wanted to. Bear, I'll keep you in my thoughts.

 

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

Really sorry to hear, Bear. Hang in there. I hope having him as a big part of your life helps ease things as time goes on. 

[ernest_t_bass 1196]

So sorry to hear that, Bear!

[TwiceHorn 31440]

9 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

My dad died tonight. Had a massive heart attack while on the way home from Church's Chicken. Single car accident, he flipped the SUV.

I was on the way to his house and saw the ambulance driving to the hospital.

Died with 29 years sober. My best friend.

Oh, man.  Condolences to you and your family.  

[hookemATL 11707]

Peace and love to you and yours Bear. ❤️🤘

[Judge Roybeanbag 11819]

Sorry Bear, that's a lot of years and fishing together.  Hang in there.

[Reagan1k 3024]

So sorry.  I remember you sharing things about him and his pals welcoming you in.  Sounds like a great example for what AA is- and a great dad as well. 

[BearSchlong 8083]

Thanks everyone.

Made it to my dads home group meeting tonight, first meeting with him gone, which is an event I've been dreading for many years. The meeting chair turned it into a memorial, 3 guys there got sober with my dad in '92 and my grand sponsor was there. And a bunch of newcomers and people whose first memory was my dad greeting them at their first meeting.

I've talked to at least 25 alcoholics on the phone today, from all over the state, texted at least that many.

Worst day of my life, but the hand of God as evidenced by the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous lifted me high.

Tonight I simply cannot understand the alcoholic who doesn't willingly dive into the loving arms of AA. Yes I can. Pride and ego are killers.

Good days are the mundane, great days are like today, when I just surrender and let AA carry me.

[Kennythetiger 9376]

Just noticed for the first time that Diablo got this thread up and going on Surly. 

[pch 1259]

Here's hoping the best times spent with your loving father will comfort you in the days ahead.  Alcoholism is often a generational disease and to see that recovery in this case is  as well makes my heart smile.  God be with you my brother.

 

 

[Reagan1k 3024]

On 3/17/2022 at 9:49 PM, BearSchlong said:

Thanks everyone.

Made it to my dads home group meeting tonight, first meeting with him gone, which is an event I've been dreading for many years. The meeting chair turned it into a memorial, 3 guys there got sober with my dad in '92 and my grand sponsor was there. And a bunch of newcomers and people whose first memory was my dad greeting them at their first meeting.

I've talked to at least 25 alcoholics on the phone today, from all over the state, texted at least that many.

Worst day of my life, but the hand of God as evidenced by the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous lifted me high.

Tonight I simply cannot understand the alcoholic who doesn't willingly dive into the loving arms of AA. Yes I can. Pride and ego are killers.

Good days are the mundane, great days are like today, when I just surrender and let AA carry me.
 

That’s beautiful. 
Thank you! 

[Moby Ric 2058]

Real sorry to hear that Bear.  

[BearSchlong 8083]

I was just checking in as the program teaches.

I woke up feeling shitty and full of despair and failure.

Put on my out-of-office reply, called my sponsor (in life's twilight himself), a mentor, my best friend, then went to a meeting.

Last night was a week since dad passed, memorial service is tomorrow.

The fellowship has shown up in a huge way.

[TexArcher 37771]

Keep reaching out and showing up, Bear.

But you know that.

Hang in there.

[BearSchlong 8083]

Incredible memorial service.  Hundreds of attendees. People who would otherwise not mix.  I'm grateful as can be.

[pch 1259]

22 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

Incredible memorial service.  Hundreds of attendees. People who would otherwise not mix.  I'm grateful as can be.

Good on you Bear.  Went to a service for the father of one my wife's sponsees yesterday.  He was a three year letterman at TCU from '57-59, all SWC in 58, became a local HS coach and taught in FWISD for his entire career.  The recovery community that showed up to share the experience with his recovering daughter made me grateful to be a part of such a compassionate fellowship. It was clear that the promise that says our whole attitude and outlook on life will change was being portrayed by everyone in recovery at this service, having made a decision to take action to support another person in a time of sorrow.  While the preacher did a good job memorializing this man, the sermon I saw without words but with such actions spoke volumes to me and my wife. Keep showing up Bear-your life touches more people than you can imagine and the journey, while sometimes painful and sad, is one that can help someone else when their time comes.  Love you brother.

[Macanudo 12976]

Today is Day 50 for me.   Im still adjusting to winding down/relaxing without the excuse of "just a couple of drinks."   Or, "it's been a rough days."  

But damn, it's great not  being a jackass around my family, sleeping well and just mentally feeling crisper.

Working on better coping without alcohol as the answer  is a constant that I've kind of been enjoying doing.  

There's still a really, really long way to go.

[pch 1259]

57 minutes ago, Macanudo said:

Today is Day 50 for me.   Im still adjusting to winding down/relaxing without the excuse of "just a couple of drinks."   Or, "it's been a r3+ yearough days."  

But damn, it's great not  being a jackass around my family, sleeping well and just mentally feeling crisper.

Working on better coping without alcohol as the answer  is a constant that I've kind of been enjoying doing.  

There's still a really, really long way to go.

But I can't think of anything else more worthy of doing on a daily basis than staying sober.  The journey and it's subsequent rewards will be worth it, and the longest I've ever had to stay sober in the past 23+ years is 24 hours. As a former BOFZ tailgater, I wish you well my friend.

[Moby Ric 2058]

It has been a few since an update.  I am now 9 weeks without any alcohol.  Starting to really understand this sobriety thing.  More focus, energy, more wanting to do things with the family and the wife.  I did not understand it while drinking but life really is better without booze.  And that is kind of not easy to admit.  Drinking going on around me does not bother me as much as I thought it would.  I have not dropped the amount of weight I thought I would, but meh, it will be fine.

Some of the accomplishments I have had.  Been to a bar for a friends birthday, I did not drink or feel like drinking at all.  Wife went out of town and left me here with nothing but time to myself, no drinking, but got shit done around the home and property.  Had a real deep and difficult discussion/argument with he wife.  Did not run off to the bottle.  We both recovered very well.  Wife still has the occasional glass of wine, it does not bother me.  She has climbed on board and even cut back on that to show support for me.  It is not necessary, but I do appreciate it.  End of this month I am headed up to Dallas for the guitar show with some old friends.  Should be interesting since I won't be drinking.  But I am positive both they and myself can handle it.

[hornbri 1396]

Great job both of you, keep it up.

moby, the first time I sobered up it was for a year and I lost 30lbs but….most of that weight actually started coming off after 3-4 months when my body had adjusted to life with out alcohol. 

[Celery Man 20933]

21 hours ago, Macanudo said:

 

Working on better coping without alcohol as the answer  is a constant that I've kind of been enjoying doing.  

 

Enjoying that is good, because it is the whole damn thing.

[After irth 1243]

Mac and Moby give me hope.  I feel like I need to check in to this thread.

[TwiceHorn 31440]

Keep up the good work, guys, but do beware the pink cloud.

[Macanudo 12976]

11 minutes ago, TwiceHorn said:

Keep up the good work, guys, but do beware the pink cloud.

Doesn't that kind of thing belong on Chad Briscoe's Gay thread?

[Moby Ric 2058]

10 hours ago, After irth said:

Mac and Moby give me hope.  I feel like I need to check in to this thread.

Come on.  I was a lurker here and reluctant for the longest time.  Now that I have made the change and commitment to being sober my life is so much better.  Don't wait for some tragedy or something to happen for you to say to yourself I have to make a change.

This group of guys in here will have your back.  PM Bear if you need to, he will help you.

[Moby Ric 2058]

9 hours ago, Macanudo said:

Doesn't that kind of thing belong on Chad Briscoe's Gay thread?

I thought it was some kind of queef or something.

[TwiceHorn 31440]

Not sure if serious, but will elaborate.  The "pink cloud" is the phenomenon by which the newly abstinent alcoholic or heavy drinker feels great about everything, mostly because the demon alcohol is finally out of the system.  At some point, that euphoria goes away, real life hits, the need for actual coping skills comes into play, and drinking starts looking like some kind of solution again.  As cajun used to put it, "the ego rebuilds" and the mind starts telling you stuff like, "it wasn't that bad," "I can control it now," "I got this."

The medical term for it, or something similar but possibly more serious, is post-acute withdrawal syndrome, or PAWS.

Anyway, when the pink cloud goes away, the "insanity" hits.  The main feature of the "insanity" is the contemplation of return to drinking, which is why it is referred to as insanity.  But the feelings of restlessness and discontent that may precede the first/next drink also bear a resemblance to some form of insanity.

And it may be at this point that the need for a systematic program of recovery becomes apparent.

It has been discussed extensively here, or maybe it was TOS, but I'm not expecting anyone to have read the whole damn thread.

[Jerry Callo 8699]

10 hours ago, After irth said:

Mac and Moby give me hope.  I feel like I need to check in to this thread.

If you feel you need to check into this thread, you probably do.  Just start reading.  You may, or may not, notice similarities between the people on her and their stories and you.  See below.

 

13 minutes ago, TwiceHorn said:

I'm not expecting anyone to have read the whole damn thread.

In the two or so years I lurked, I read both the TOS thread and this thread end-to-end.

[Macanudo 12976]

2 hours ago, TwiceHorn said:

Not sure if serious, but will elaborate.  The "pink cloud" is the phenomenon by which the newly abstinent alcoholic or heavy drinker feels great about everything, mostly because the demon alcohol is finally out of the system.  At some point, that euphoria goes away, real life hits, the need for actual coping skills comes into play, and drinking starts looking like some kind of solution again.  As cajun used to put it, "the ego rebuilds" and the mind starts telling you stuff like, "it wasn't that bad," "I can control it now," "I got this."

The medical term for it, or something similar but possibly more serious, is post-acute withdrawal syndrome, or PAWS.

Anyway, when the pink cloud goes away, the "insanity" hits.  The main feature of the "insanity" is the contemplation of return to drinking, which is why it is referred to as insanity.  But the feelings of restlessness and discontent that may precede the first/next drink also bear a resemblance to some form of insanity.

And it may be at this point that the need for a systematic program of recovery becomes apparent.

It has been discussed extensively here, or maybe it was TOS, but I'm not expecting anyone to have read the whole damn thread.

I was being funny but thanks for expounding in writing.   I knew what you meant and KNOW that the "I could keep it under control" idea is going to be somewhere lurking in me forever.   The degree may lessen or vary but it will always pop up at some point.   I've been doing a lot of thinking about how summer will shake out.   The old habits of being out by the pool with a drink or 4.   Sitting on the balcony while we are in Colorado looking at the mountains while I have a beer or 3.   All of those things are going to be triggers for "I can manage it."   

And I can't.  I can only work on abstaining one day at a time.  

[TwiceHorn 31440]

1 hour ago, Macanudo said:

I was being funny but thanks for expounding in writing.   I knew what you meant and KNOW that the "I could keep it under control" idea is going to be somewhere lurking in me forever.   The degree may lessen or vary but it will always pop up at some point.   I've been doing a lot of thinking about how summer will shake out.   The old habits of being out by the pool with a drink or 4.   Sitting on the balcony while we are in Colorado looking at the mountains while I have a beer or 3.   All of those things are going to be triggers for "I can manage it."   

And I can't.  I can only work on abstaining one day at a time.  

Given your experiences, I assumed you knew what I meant.  You're on the right track.  One day, one hour, one minute.  Whatever it takes.

[pch 1259]

14 hours ago, After irth said:

Mac and Moby give me hope.  I feel like I need to check in to this thread.

The last house on the block ALWAYS has a light on and is open year round 24/7.  Glad you are here.

[Moby Ric 2058]

5 hours ago, TwiceHorn said:

Not sure if serious, but will elaborate.  The "pink cloud" is the phenomenon by which the newly abstinent alcoholic or heavy drinker feels great about everything, mostly because the demon alcohol is finally out of the system.  At some point, that euphoria goes away, real life hits, the need for actual coping skills comes into play, and drinking starts looking like some kind of solution again.  As cajun used to put it, "the ego rebuilds" and the mind starts telling you stuff like, "it wasn't that bad," "I can control it now," "I got this."

The medical term for it, or something similar but possibly more serious, is post-acute withdrawal syndrome, or PAWS.

Anyway, when the pink cloud goes away, the "insanity" hits.  The main feature of the "insanity" is the contemplation of return to drinking, which is why it is referred to as insanity.  But the feelings of restlessness and discontent that may precede the first/next drink also bear a resemblance to some form of insanity.

And it may be at this point that the need for a systematic program of recovery becomes apparent.

It has been discussed extensively here, or maybe it was TOS, but I'm not expecting anyone to have read the whole damn thread.

So it's a big gross queef.

obligatory

[After irth 1243]

Much thanks to you guys for the outreach.  I'm not hitting rock bottom or anything, but I feel like some serious changes need to take place.  I'll gladly share more later and, perhaps, join the club.

Much love to you supportive buncha Surly assholes.

[Macanudo 12976]

Speaking completely as a noob here but the bottom is subjective.  

You might not have wrapped a car around a telephone pole or gotten divorced because of your drinking.  

Neither have I.  But that only means, possibly, not yet.

[Celery Man 20933]

One of the better... "sit and listen to some jabroni talk for a while" things I've gone through in rehab and recovery in general was Dr. Boone (the younger) at La Hacienda giving his talk on the brain chemistry of addiction. I think my brain was 70% functional in my first few months of sobriety and it's also been... 6.5 years so you'll want to double check especially where i use smart sounding words, but essentially long term addiction burns out the serotonin receptors in your brain, which is what gives you a pleasure/reward sensation. You've been hammering that shit with alcohol for an extended period of time, and they become fried and baselined to being hammered with alcohol, and that's why it changed from alcohol making you happy and good to lack of alcohol making you anxious and terrible. It's also why you might have felt like the whole world is gray. Maybe you saw a rom com and thought "lol who the fuck has feelings anymore". The reason you don't laugh at a small joke or have a good feeling from the warmth of the sun of your face isn't because the world is horrible and you are forever dead on the inside, it is because your brain chemistry is fucked (right now) and the receptors that are supposed to make your brain react to those inputs now only scream out for the required alcohol.

When you stop dousing your brain in alcohol, they scream loud and hard, that's why you sweat and tingle and your skin crawls and your heart beats fast and holy shit you can't sleep what the fuck etc. And slowly they start to calm down, and eventually (after a few weeks) some normal function begins to return. You begin having feelings again, small things make you feel good (almost like a normal person), it's awesome. It definitely feels new and exciting, and maybe there's even some brain chemistry overcorrection going on there. But that's the gist of the pink cloud - birds are chirping, the sky is blue, you've got a bounce in your step, all is good and you might even be convinced that your problems are behind you and you can handle a drink or would never succumb to temptation in some risky situation. Or you feel that sense of confidence and cheer and then things normalize the other direction and you spiral out in despair and revert to your primary coping mechanism.

If you feel that feeling, just know what it is - it's good, take the ride, your brain is healing. But it's still bald tires on wet pavement and you need to exercise caution. Just being aware and knowing what it is is helpful.

2horn mentioned PAWS - I can't remember who it was that was having big time PAWS (post acute withdrawal syndrome) symptoms - horrible migraines and such. I feel bad for not remembering the handle and fear that person may not still be with us - if it was one of you I apologize and please let me know you're still around. Anyways, PAWS is a broad category of weird stuff that may be going on for 6 months to a yearish after you've stopped heavily abusing alcohol. For me, definitely memory stuff - finding words was difficult, my memory from that whole time is hazy like it happened much longer ago than it did, losing track of what I was doing. Some people have headaches, there's a whole general set of things that people experience. Another thing to be aware of.