I'm An Alcoholic

[Macanudo 12,979]

2 hours ago, Celery Man said:

bald tires on wet pavement

What a great way to look at it.  

[RockyMountainHighHorn 890]

Oh boy we reached the pink cloud day?! Almost as fun as the 11 month cloud. 

[JohnnyRage 1,617]

Insert image of cover art for The Velvet Underground’s ‘Loaded’ here…

(blew my ‘pink cloud’ joke)

 

48CF1E96-0DF8-4BDF-B476-D74B3AEBBEE9.webp

Edited April 5, 2022 by JohnnyRage

[JohnnyRage 1,617]

Or maybe I didn’t!

[BearSchlong 8,098]

Celery Man, agreed on Dr. Boone's talk. Assuming you mean Daniel?

LaHa has an alumni meeting once a week at my church and I was 6 weeks sober when I spent a few hours getting that PowerPoint presentation from him. That was during my peak pink cloud and I was a sponge just soaking in anything I could.

Regarding PAWS and thought clarity, when I was 6 months sober I could barely use complete sentences, and at 2 years I could expound on complex abstractions and tie them all neatly together during a 5 minute share. It was like a newly-found superpower.

[Celery Man 20,962]

I can't remember the names of the two Boone doctors (... brothers?), but they were both great, and one was definitely younger than the other. This was the younger guy, from a quick google, James rather than Daniel.

On newly found superpowers - man I was just thinking the other day about how so much of what has become of my career since recovery is based around rigorous practice and application of control the controllables, god grant me the serenity, "if this isn't useful who cares", etc. Every single fucking day I cut conversations short to point out what we should be doing and what we should stop caring about, and I think to the unpracticed eye it makes it seem like I know way more than I do.

[Kennythetiger 9,388]

If this isn’t useful, who cares?  
Very useful. Thank you. 

[BearSchlong 8,098]

Ok here are the recordings for the Covina CA covid zoom speakers meeting speakers for 2022 so far. I'm #70 if you want to hear my story. The internet is forever, and I shared the truth about myself. Click the name and the embedded audio player will start.

https://amotaudio.com/zoom-conferences/covina-meetings/covina-speaker-meeting-2022/

The link to previous years is here, whole bunch of my AA heros. My sponsor is Jo Ben, #159.

https://amotaudio.com/zoom-conferences/covina-meetings/

[After irth 1,243]

I've been meaning to share here, but haven't had the chance to sit at a real keyboard and "get it out", so to speak...but I thank the Surly members that showed their support for my dip-of-the-toe a few weeks ago.  Essentially, I'm a long time listener but first time caller.

I'm 51.

I've always been a partier.  Since college.  Dominant personality with a hedonistic attitude.  For anyone that's ever been in a band, when I say that I suffer from LSD (Lead Singer Disease), well then...you can extrapolate my dominant personality from that...ha!

I've never stopped, though.  I've always been a party animal, even though I live a fairly domesticated existence.  I cook, and I'm damn good at it, but it gives me an excuse to drink while I do it.  On the grill, at the stove, in the oven, managing the smoker...always a cold beer, glass of wine, or excellent Bourbon in my hand.

We moved (back to Texas...yay!) to Lufkin from Fort Myers, FL in 2019 with nothing.  The first pieces of furniture purchased were a Smoker and a Bar.

My idea of going on vacation is going to the local bars, hanging with the locals, and finding out about the area.  Or...going to places I know and drinking (and eating).  

My tolerance is so fucking huge that I'm perfectly fine until...I'm not.  By the time the alcohol kicks in, I'm well beyond redemption.  The next morning yields nothing but blackouts and guilt (even if I've done nothing).  

In January 2021, my Mother died.  She died at home, in my Father's arms at their home in Seguin.  3 minutes later, I pulled into the driveway (after a 300 mile drive), with my Doctor-Wife in my ear urging me to check for a pulse (she was previously on the phone with my Father).  That's how I said goodbye to my Mother (who was already dead).

My Father had been her full time caregiver for the previous 5 years.  Since then, I have spent the past 16 months as HIS caregiver.  Without exaggeration, 50% of my time was spent in Seguin between January and August 2021, and then we moved my Father into our house in Lufkin.  And then had to go back to deal with...shit.

Did I mention that my Father had 3 shoulder surgeries during this time-frame and that I was there to see him through it all...?

We weren't prepared for the level of dysfunction that surrounded him.  

He's never once had to clean up after himself...and it shows.  He's grieving.  He's depressed.  He's (we know NOW) clinically suffering from Dementia.  There is not a day goes by that I don't clean up something that has been (either) bled on, pissed on, or smeared with shit, and nothing I do/say seems to correct his behavior/awareness.

Fuck it...I'm tired of typing.  Suffice it to say that my motto has always been:  I don't drink to escape, I drink to cope.  Well...clearly I'm coping with more than I can stand.

I'm a Binge Drinker.  Plain and simple.  I known the Weekend Warriors, and the Habitual Drinkers, and the Every Day Drunks, but none of those are me.  I don't have to drink every day.  I'm perfectly fine on the days that I don't, but...

On the days I DO drink, I just cannot moderate.  I think I have come to terms with "being powerless".  

Therein lies my problem.  I don't want to quit, but I will if I have to.  I just want to cut down.  But...if I am truly powerless before alcohol, then...

By they way, it is 9:50pm.  I started drinking at 12:30pm.  Since then, I have had (2) Speckled Hen, (1) Yuengling Light), (2) Modelo Draft, 5 Fishbowl Margs, (2) Modelo Draft, (3) Carlsberg pints, and (1) Miller Lite.  And I'm still typing this.....

I'm angry.  I'm pissed.  I'm doing 8 million fucking things a day.  And...I'm drunk.

And I'm trying to figure out how to improve.....

[TwiceHorn 31,488]

10 minutes ago, After irth said:

I don't want to quit, but I will if I have to.  I just want to cut down.

That probably describes most of us.  And most of us couldn't just cut down.

But that's not everyone, either.                           

[Macanudo 12,979]

Irth, you just described my drinking to a T.   My style was binging.   I didn't drink every day but when I did I didn't usually stop.  And time and again I told myself I could cut back, regulate, stop before I really got going to.   But I couldn't.   And the worrying the next day about what I might have said or done that I might not remember.

I'm just over 60 days sober right now.   It's the longest I've gone without a drink since I was probably 18.   I am also 51 like you.   I wish I had quit years ago now.   I damaged relationships with my daughters and other people important to me.   I'm repairing them bit by bit but at 2 months sober I can not possibly expect my mistakes to be completely forgotten just because I quit recently.   Drinking wasn't the answer to any problem.  Just a band-aid and a problem all itself.   

We all have to find what works for us.   I hope you find what is your answer.   But keep coming back here and sharing.   I've found a lot of help, advice and good ideas from the thread and people I know from here.

Hang in there.

 

[After irth 1,243]

1 minute ago, Macanudo said:

Irth, you just described my drinking to a T.   My style was binging.   I didn't drink every day but when I did I didn't usually stop.  And time and again I told myself I could cut back, regulate, stop before I really got going to.   But I couldn't.   And the worrying the next day about what I might have said or done that I might not remember.

I'm just over 60 days sober right now.   It's the longest I've gone without a drink since I was probably 18.   I am also 51 like you.   I wish I had quit years ago now.   I damaged relationships with my daughters and other people important to me.   I'm repairing them bit by bit but at 2 months sober I can not possibly expect my mistakes to be completely forgotten just because I quit recently.   Drinking wasn't the answer to any problem.  Just a band-aid and a problem all itself.   

We all have to find what works for us.   I hope you find what is your answer.   But keep coming back here and sharing.   I've found a lot of help, advice and good ideas from the thread and people I know from here.

Hang in there.

 

Thank you, Mac.  I truly appreciate the feedback.  

I don't have kids.  I've never had a spouse call me on my shit (until now).  I've never hit Rock Bottom.  I have done stupid shit, I've embarrassed myself (but not in front of close friends), and I've never been pulled over or anything (thank God).  Somehow...I have maintained...and people seem to love me.

But...I have this nagging feeling that something terrible lurks...and I really don't wanna test what might come next.

[Macanudo 12,979]

Rock bottom is completely subjective.   I never got pulled over either but I sure as hell drove drunk many, many times.  

People still love/like me too but they also knew I'm an alcoholic before I was willing to fully admit it to myself.  

[Dewey 3,286]

I never understood what giving up control was, was I not supposed to help, give a lending hand? Just say fuck it, you're on your own? What I think it means now is doing your best and being okay with whatever results come of it, good or bad. To do what you have to, work or family and then taking it easy.  No offense, irth, but if it wasn't your pops, it would be something else you would need alcohol to help you "cope". 

Every person who has struggled with alcohol, always had a valid reason to drink. It could be anything, goddamn light bulb is out again, gonna need a beer, some tequila and a couple puffs before I go deal with that fucking thing. 

[Moby Ric 2,058]

9 hours ago, After irth said:

I've been meaning to share here, but haven't had the chance to sit at a real keyboard and "get it out", so to speak...but I thank the Surly members that showed their support for my dip-of-the-toe a few weeks ago.  Essentially, I'm a long time listener but first time caller.

I'm 51.

I've always been a partier.  Since college.  Dominant personality with a hedonistic attitude.  For anyone that's ever been in a band, when I say that I suffer from LSD (Lead Singer Disease), well then...you can extrapolate my dominant personality from that...ha!

I've never stopped, though.  I've always been a party animal, even though I live a fairly domesticated existence.  I cook, and I'm damn good at it, but it gives me an excuse to drink while I do it.  On the grill, at the stove, in the oven, managing the smoker...always a cold beer, glass of wine, or excellent Bourbon in my hand.

We moved (back to Texas...yay!) to Lufkin from Fort Myers, FL in 2019 with nothing.  The first pieces of furniture purchased were a Smoker and a Bar.

My idea of going on vacation is going to the local bars, hanging with the locals, and finding out about the area.  Or...going to places I know and drinking (and eating).  

My tolerance is so fucking huge that I'm perfectly fine until...I'm not.  By the time the alcohol kicks in, I'm well beyond redemption.  The next morning yields nothing but blackouts and guilt (even if I've done nothing).  

In January 2021, my Mother died.  She died at home, in my Father's arms at their home in Seguin.  3 minutes later, I pulled into the driveway (after a 300 mile drive), with my Doctor-Wife in my ear urging me to check for a pulse (she was previously on the phone with my Father).  That's how I said goodbye to my Mother (who was already dead).

My Father had been her full time caregiver for the previous 5 years.  Since then, I have spent the past 16 months as HIS caregiver.  Without exaggeration, 50% of my time was spent in Seguin between January and August 2021, and then we moved my Father into our house in Lufkin.  And then had to go back to deal with...shit.

Did I mention that my Father had 3 shoulder surgeries during this time-frame and that I was there to see him through it all...?

We weren't prepared for the level of dysfunction that surrounded him.  

He's never once had to clean up after himself...and it shows.  He's grieving.  He's depressed.  He's (we know NOW) clinically suffering from Dementia.  There is not a day goes by that I don't clean up something that has been (either) bled on, pissed on, or smeared with shit, and nothing I do/say seems to correct his behavior/awareness.

Fuck it...I'm tired of typing.  Suffice it to say that my motto has always been:  I don't drink to escape, I drink to cope.  Well...clearly I'm coping with more than I can stand.

I'm a Binge Drinker.  Plain and simple.  I known the Weekend Warriors, and the Habitual Drinkers, and the Every Day Drunks, but none of those are me.  I don't have to drink every day.  I'm perfectly fine on the days that I don't, but...

On the days I DO drink, I just cannot moderate.  I think I have come to terms with "being powerless".  

Therein lies my problem.  I don't want to quit, but I will if I have to.  I just want to cut down.  But...if I am truly powerless before alcohol, then...

By they way, it is 9:50pm.  I started drinking at 12:30pm.  Since then, I have had (2) Speckled Hen, (1) Yuengling Light), (2) Modelo Draft, 5 Fishbowl Margs, (2) Modelo Draft, (3) Carlsberg pints, and (1) Miller Lite.  And I'm still typing this.....

I'm angry.  I'm pissed.  I'm doing 8 million fucking things a day.  And...I'm drunk.

And I'm trying to figure out how to improve.....

Irth, as Mac said, you sound a lot like him.  I am sure you sound a lot like all of us, myself included.  I was a daily drinker, did not want to quit even though I knew I needed to.  I tried to tell myself and my wife I would moderate it.  That was just another lie I was telling myself so I could not let go of it.  I drank till I was asleep/blacked out.  Just like you a large part of vacation and trips was drinking and eating.  In Mexico I would be drinking at 10am poolside all day.  In Europe it was shopping and drinking throughout the day.  I don't have the issue with my parents like you posted, but it has been a rough ride.  Dad is older and forgets shit al the time.  Mom just lost her leg to Cancer last Christmas and it has pretty much sucked.  It adds to the daily stress and dealing with my parents makes me want to drink.  Hell I think it makes everyone want to drink dealing with their folks.

It took a trip to Vegas in January with the wife and going to a private party at the Raiders Stadium that was top notch.  I of course over served myself and still to this day have no idea how I gt back to the hotel.  My wife has filled me in later that I was not happy with the shuttle service and wanted and uber, then we were stranded in some parking lot in the middle of the night waiting for the uber who could not find us.  All while I could barely stand up.  I thought I would quit then, but it took getting home and having too much and having an argument with the wife and saying things that I would never say to her.  I think I was so drunk I thought I was talking to my ex.  But I woke up knowing I had fucked up, but not knowing how.  Wife was ready to leave me that morning.  That was the last time I had a drink, Jan 30, 2022.

Not drinking for me has really shown me what my triggers were.  Cooking like you mentioned is a big one.  Always have to have a drink in my hand.  I still do, it is just non alcoholic.  With summer coming up it might be a little bit of a struggle but I feel I have a good head start.  I sometimes have a NA beer, or a mocktail to trick my brain and I discover that it is the action, and habit that I crave as much as the booze.

You can do this.  There is help in many forms to be found.  Stopping was the best thing I have done.  My life is better, my attitude is much calmer, and my marriage is so much better.  I am sure you can make it to these places.  If you need to vent this is a good spot.  If you need to vent privately feel free to send me a PM.  I will listen.

[Jerry Callo 8,704]

Irth - like you, I knew I had drinking issues for a long time.  I read all of this thread and the thread on TOS while still drinking.  Read a couple books on moderating and implemented a moderation plan.  I was good for the first 60 days of the moderation plan that called for no drinks at all.  After that, I had a plan where I scheduled days for drinking and the number of drinks.  First scheduled day - one drink (about four fingers of Blanton's).  Second day, no drinks - I'm doing pretty good.  Third day . . . 45 straight days of drinking.

Eventually, I determined it was actually much easier for me not to drink than to attempt moderation.  Haven't had a drink in 3+ years and my life is much easier.  No more choosing restaurants based upon the selection of beer taps or selection of bourbon.  No more planning weekends, sports functions, family functions, etc. by working around alcohol intake as the top priority.

Moderation may work for you.  I can't knock anyone who tries moderation first.  Be honest with yourself, though.  If you can't do it without cheating, its not working (4 fingers of 120+ proof Blanton's as one drink because it fit in one glass).  You also may learn, as I did, that the stress and effort needed to attempt moderation was just not worth it.   

[Macanudo 12,979]

1 hour ago, Jerry Callo said:

No more choosing restaurants based upon the selection of beer taps or selection of bourbon.  No more planning weekends, sports functions, family functions, etc. by working around alcohol intake as the top priority.

Yep, that's another thing I have been terrible about.    Yesterday, I took my daughter to her first day of work at her first job.   It was only orientation for an hour and 60 days ago, I would have gone to the restaurant across the parking lot, plopped down at the bar and drank to kill the hour.    Instead, I went to Academy, roamed around looking at all sorts of stuff that I didn't need but was still fun to look at and ended up getting a new pair of shoes that I actually needed.   Did I think about that bar across the parking lot?    Hell yes. 

Was I glad that I went to Academy instead?   Damn straight.    And when I picked up my daughter, I wasn't chewing on a mint or gum to make sure the alcohol wasn't on my breath.    

[Kennythetiger 9,388]

14 hours ago, After irth said:

Thank you, Mac.  I truly appreciate the feedback.  

I don't have kids.  I've never had a spouse call me on my shit (until now).  I've never hit Rock Bottom.  I have done stupid shit, I've embarrassed myself (but not in front of close friends), and I've never been pulled over or anything (thank God).  Somehow...I have maintained...and people seem to love me.

Not yet, you haven’t. 
I am glad you posted. Thank you for stirring up conversation again. I hope you’ll stick around. Binge drinking was my forte too. 

[After irth 1,243]

Thanks for the support. It was weird sitting down and typing stuff. I was trying to provide bullet-points for perspective, but it was hard to paint an accurate picture. I completely skipped quite a few things that are driving my anger, frustration, and stress. They’re no excuses, but they are explanations for my behavior that I cannot seem to turn off. 
 

Bottom line:  the past year-and-a-half has sucked, and I have been increasingly self-medicating. I had a bleeding esophageal ulcer in October, and that mightily encouraged me to dry out for a few months. It wasn’t difficult. Not drinking isn’t hard. I have had no further health issues, and I am in decent shape (could stand to lose 20 pounds)  

The last few times I’ve “gone out for a few beers”, I’ve given myself the internal pep talk, “Behave.  Be sensible.”  Nope. Doesn’t work. It’s hard to stop once I start. So…maybe I should just embrace the “NOT drinking isn’t hard” mentality. 

I’m tempted to dismantle my bar and clear up half a room in my house for some other use. 

I love Music. I have a huge music collection that actually requires attention and “curating”. I’m a classically-trained pianist married to a virtuoso violinist (and guitarist). I love to read. I love cooking. I have hobbies, interests, and a life with an awesome wife (no pics). She’s 15 years younger than me, and I have every incentive to live to be a thriving old fart. 

I guess I know what I need to do, huh?

[Kennythetiger 9,388]

Half-measures availed us nothing. 

[hornbri 1,399]

Glad you are here, talking about it and listening to others stories. Maybe embrace the “NOT drinking isn’t hard” for awhile, It’s free to try and you can always go back to drinking. My guess is you will find that anger, frustration and stress much more manageable when you are not drinking. 

[After irth 1,243]

Just now, Kennythetiger said:

Half-measures availed us nothing. 

Judging from the responses, I’m guessing the path I’m on will only get worse, correct?

[Kennythetiger 9,388]

Not sure about you, but that’s why the rest of us are here. 
Really glad you spoke up. 

[After irth 1,243]

2 minutes ago, hornbri said:

Glad you are here, talking about it and listening to others stories. Maybe embrace the “NOT drinking isn’t hard” for awhile, It’s free to try and you can always go back to drinking. My guess is you will find that anger, frustration and stress much more manageable when you are not drinking. 

You seem to be full of sense and practicality. What the hell are you doing here?

Solid advice, my friend. Thank you.  

[hornbri 1,399]

Just now, After irth said:

You seem to be full of sense and practicality. What the hell are you doing here?

Solid advice, my friend. Thank you.  

Today my friend, I am not having a drink . 

None of us are going to be able to predict what happens in your future, but I can tell you with 100% certainty if you don’t want to drink you don’t have to. 

You can be amazingly happy not drinking, I was always afraid life would not be “as fun” without a drink, that was a trick my mind played on me. I went to Orlando with my family last week, had a day by the pool, went to the parks, and it was great (and if anything can drive you to drink it’s Disney). I was there for my family (really there), and I can honestly say me not drinking, made it a better time for my wife, two kids, and ME. 

[After irth 1,243]

1 minute ago, hornbri said:

Today my friend, I am not having a drink . 

None of us are going to be able to predict what happens in your future, but I can tell you with 100% certainty if you don’t want to drink you don’t have to. 

You can be amazingly happy not drinking, I was always afraid life would not be “as fun” without a drink, that was a trick my mind played on me. I went to Orlando with my family last week, had a day by the pool, went to the parks, and it was great (and if anything can drive you to drink it’s Disney). I was there for my family (really there), and I can honestly say me not drinking, made it a better time for my wife, two kids, and ME. 

That’s a great story. Thanks for sharing.  Nice to know that life not only goes on, but thrives. 

Even in dipshit Lufkin, the local AA chapter is 74 years old and has 3 meetings a day, 7 days a week. I think I’ll check one out and see what comes of it. 

[Macanudo 12,979]

21 minutes ago, After irth said:

It was weird sitting down and typing stuff.

 

I didn't tell myself that I was completely done until I wrote it here.   As I went through my self-negotiation of whether I was really done, I kept telling myself that I "might" be a social drinker one day.    That I could have a beer at a party with friends, a margarita at dinner or a drink while watching TV ever now and then.   But I KNOW that won't be what I'll do.  Jerry mentioned above about his 60 day strategy that resulted in 45 days of drinking.   My version is "just one tonight."   But that isn't what will happen for me.  

It might seem odd to out ourselves as alcoholics to strangers as some kind of real mechanism but our families have heard all the same reason, excuses and negotiating strategies time after time.   This is also why AA works so well.    We've told on ourselves to people who know all about the methods of madness.

But when I wrote it out and put it here, it hit home in a different way.  

[Moby Ric 2,058]

42 minutes ago, After irth said:

Judging from the responses, I’m guessing the path I’m on will only get worse, correct?

We would rather see you succeed than have a potential mistake that could cost you for the rest of your life.

[Chips O'Toole 1,324]

I have a friend who I have to get to some meetings as soon as possible.  He just got out of the hospital, he has some health serious health issues but it's impossible to see what is actually caused by or just exacerbated by his drinking.  He unfortunately would not go into an in-patient program and wanted to do things on his terms. 

 

If you have any recommendations for meetings in Austin, north or Mueller area, please let me know.  I am looking at the Northland group, but would love to hear if there are any that make sense for a newcomer.  I'm sure he'll need a sponsor, but I just have to get him into a meeting first.  

I haven't really shared on this thread since we moved over to the new site, but I check it a lot.  I was dealing with a lot of stuff a few years ago and my drinking got way out of hand.  I tried to moderate, but I was always itching for more and working so hard to keep it under control seemed pointless, especially when I knew eventually I would say fuck it and go wild.  I quit for good a little over 4 years ago and haven't had any desire to start back up again.

Appreciate everyone in here.

Thanks.

[hornbri 1,399]

I go to Northland regularly, it’s a great group.

There are lots of newcomers in meetings right now he will feel welcomed. 

Edited April 19, 2022 by hornbri
I will be at the 7:30am meeting tomorrow morning. PM me if you need any details.

[BearSchlong 8,098]

4 hours ago, After irth said:

Judging from the responses, I’m guessing the path I’m on will only get worse, correct?

Field research.  Drinking yourself sober.  Took me a total of 22 years to reach that state. One night something violent and painful and almost deadly happened and from that day on I couldn't imagine life with alcohol and have been dry ever since. Feel free to click the link https://amotaudio.com/zoom-conferences/covina-meetings/covina-speaker-meeting-2022/ , my story is #70. I recount how I decided to get sober in great detail.

Northland fucking rocks.  Some of the regulars drove over a few weeks ago to attend my dad's funeral.  David B. is like my brother, same with Sam W, and a guy named Steve but I can't remember his last initial.  That's my stomping ground, the permanent home of AA in Austin, whenever I find myself out in that vicinity.

 

[Homercles 10,206]

5 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

Field research.  Drinking yourself sober.  Took me a total of 22 years to reach that state. One night something violent and painful and almost deadly happened and from that day on I couldn't imagine life with alcohol and have been dry ever since. Feel free to click the link https://amotaudio.com/zoom-conferences/covina-meetings/covina-speaker-meeting-2022/ , my story is #70. I recount how I decided to get sober in great detail.

Northland fucking rocks.  Some of the regulars drove over a few weeks ago to attend my dad's funeral.  David B. is like my brother, same with Sam W, and a guy named Steve but I can't remember his last initial.  That's my stomping ground, the permanent home of AA in Austin, whenever I find myself out in that vicinity.

 

Thank you very much for posting that link with your story, I listened to your whole 55 minutes…it was a tonic for someone like me, who flirted with the dark there for a few years as a problem drinker starting to face consequences.  When y’all bare the brutal details of your alcoholic histories, it helps me think critically about the path I was on and then recognize when that poisonous voice whispers to me.  

Last year I took a long break, got things under control (for the most part), but still was ‘reserving the option’ on hard days to use alcohol as an escape…it was massive progress but the voice was still present, even if I wasn’t really listening to it or acting on those thoughts. 

Starting early this year, I suddenly realized after a really rough stretch (wife promotion = her stressed/swamped and me carrying a huge load at home) that the ‘option’ wasn’t even considered…I just wanted to get my kids to bed every night, watch some dumbshit tv with my wife and go to sleep.  Considering 99% of my problem drinking was at home, that realization was a massive weight off my shoulders.  That voice was just gone.  
 

For someone like me, who can drink responsibly with others but had struggles with stress/boredom as a solo binge drinking trigger, this finally feels sustainable.  Finally feels normal.  However listening to your story, hearing your pauses and feeling your emotions and the sheer weight of it all is an outstanding reminder that I’ll always have to be evaluating my relationship with alcohol the rest of my life.  
 

Pardon the Lobo post.  I probably did a poor job explaining myself there…just know y’all’s stories are hugely helpful for us who aren’t classic alcoholics but still have occasional struggles.  Helps keep me on the right path.  And yet another reason I can’t adequately describe to non-assholes what this community means to me.  

[ztejas 43,459]

11 hours ago, Chips O'Toole said:

If you have any recommendations for meetings in Austin, north or Mueller area, please let me know.  I am looking at the Northland group, but would love to hear if there are any that make sense for a newcomer.  I'm sure he'll need a sponsor, but I just have to get him into a meeting first.  

https://www.northaustinfoundation.com/

1000 Prairie Trail

Austin, TX 78758

[Elvis 3,371]

Any opinions on SMART Recovery? Because it's getting worse, not better.

 

@After irth , what was that ulcer like?  Symptoms, diagnosis, etc. please.

[After irth 1,243]

1 hour ago, Elvis said:

Any opinions on SMART Recovery? Because it's getting worse, not better.

 

@After irth , what was that ulcer like?  Symptoms, diagnosis, etc. please.

I thought it was an attack of Diverticulitis, which I had once before 2 years ago.  And...the way I was going at the time, I might have been having another flare-up along WITH the ulcer.

I felt like I had a lump in my gut.  Felt like I had to shit all the time, but didn't.  Also had really shitty uncorrectable heartburn.  Did a bit of a sensible cleanse and my gut felt great, but the heartburn was still there.  Finally, my wife asked "what's your stool been like?"  She hit the fucking ceiling when I said "very black and tarry".  I had no idea that meant...blood.  I was at the GI Doc the very next day, getting scoped.  

[After irth 1,243]

In an effort to curb things, I downloaded the Reframe App and set up an account.  Might try a little helpful accountability for a while.  I feel like I need a little something because I'm attending a 3-day Heavy Metal festival beginning tomorrow, so.....an accounting of the long weekend will be forthcoming.

Gonna try to focus on energy and stamina for this thing rather than hampering myself by drinking.

 

[Elvis 3,371]

Thanks for sharing

[Reagan1k 3,024]

We had a newcomer in my noon meeting today and he's evidently been slowly killing himself trying to find the right combination for moderation, so the last several posts are something that was basically our topic for discussion today.  He's been searching for the secret recipe. 

I don't know much, but I know this.  Moderating never worked for me.  It was actually more painful.

My truth is that I never wanted just that one drink once I started, no matter how much I thought I did before I took the first drink.

I ALWAYS want not one, but "one more".  There may be times I could white knuckle and dodge having it, but there was never a time I didn't want it.

The thing that makes me an alcoholic is that I always want one more.....over and over and over.  

The phenomenon of craving would cause me to purposefully not drink at all in public if I knew the supply was limited or if I couldn't drink the way I wanted.  My biggest fear was being given one drink and nothing else for the rest of the night. 

I was less miserable white knuckling it sober for a few hours than I would be were I to have one drink and then nothing for the next few hours.  My mind would itch and I'd feel claustrophobic if I couldn't keep drinking.  I'd abstain until I could make it somewhere that I could drink like I wanted. 

The Doctors Opinion taught me that this was a metabolic craving I could not control once I took the first drink.  If I don't take the first drink then I don't have the metabolic cravings that get me drunk.   

I thought everyone felt that way, and they just had more willpower.  I had no clue that a normal drinker feels satisfied after a certain number of drinks.  Not me.  The more I drink the more thirsty I get.

The mental obsession leads me to the 1st drink, but it is the phenomenon of craving that drinks the 2nd, 3rd, 12th.....  Once I quit taking the first drink, I quit getting drunk.  Then, I had a fighting chance against the mental obsession and my choice was to follow a program of recovery to do so.

 Some old Chinese dude observed alcoholics 1000 years ago and said - The man takes a drink, then the drink takes a drink, and then the drink takes the man - 

That's alcoholism for me in a nutshell.

Godspeed to all of you guys/girls.

 

 

Edited April 21, 2022 by Reagan1k

[Kennythetiger 9,388]

11 hours ago, Elvis said:

Any opinions on SMART Recovery? Because it's getting worse, not better.

 

@After irth , what was that ulcer like?  Symptoms, diagnosis, etc. please.

Bump for my friend Elvis. I don’t know the answer to his question. 

[Elvis 3,371]

I’m fun Bobby.  Tough spot for my internal organs.  Not bad for my smile and junk.  Work hurtin too. 

[Kennythetiger 9,388]

One of my strongest motivations for quitting was very selfish and materialistic- I realized how much money I was losing by being sluggish during the day because of my bullshit the night before. It is a very strong motivating factor for me. 

[Elvis 3,371]

Yeah getting there.  Except I just had my best year ever.  I had to stroke a huge check to the IRS.   Got me all pissy and drunk. 

[Elvis 3,371]

Hard to keep up with myself.  

[DallasHorn26 586]

I was at a book study retreat last week where we discussed various places the book uses the word “and” to join things that don’t link together for guys like me.

“The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death. We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics.”


I tried so many times to control or moderate but I did not enjoy it by any means. If I was enjoying it, I definitely wasn’t controlling it. One was always too many and one more was never enough. Once I began taking the actions, I have somewhat a fighting chance against taking that first drink so long I stay in fit spiritual condition and continue looking for the next man to help.

[BearSchlong 8,098]

You're the 3rd person in the last few weeks to mention a book study retreat, I'm beginning to sense a theme.  Now that Joe and Charlie and Sandy Beach are at the meeting in the sky, I'm interested in finding current retreats so if you know of any I'm all ears.  A weekend away from everything, focusing on the big book may be what God is telling me to do.

Been going through the wringer like OMG my life is crumbling but now I've got a lot of new perspectives.  Went to a noon meeting yesterday and suggested we discuss anxiety and panic and fear and the 40 year old timer went straight to page 98 of the big book, in working with others, where it says:

Quote

 

Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job - wife or no wife - we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.

Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house.

At 11 years sober I'm guilty of making anything my higher power except, you know, God.  I'll say it, I'm currently not well.  I'm a dry drunk, and all my difficulties are of my own imagination and projection. I still have a propensity to make my employer, my wife, and my family my higher power.  The big realization was after Dad died a few weeks ago I now realize how much I made him my higher power, in that as long as he was still alive, everything would be all right.  And now he's gone and I'm in holy shit how do I do this mode, but I'm slowly getting out of it. I hate my job and I'm interviewing for positions where the pay is twice as much but the requirements very demanding and my attitude is that if God wants me at XYZ, he'll put me there and give me that high compensation.  And if not, oh well, I haven't lost anything, I've learned something.  I won't know til I give  it a shot.

That gave me great relief, and today has been better because I've been keeping that simple concept in my mind's forefront.

To those of you bystanders who are either considering a change in your drinking, or who have curtailed or stopped your drinking, please understand this - ANYONE can stop drinking on their own for a certain period of time.  Days, weeks, months.  But without AA I can't stay stopped for any considerable period of time.  I'm at least as alcoholic right now as I was when I last took a drink, the difference is that now I'm conditioned to go let AA love me back to sanity.  There's no app, or personal self-discipline, or anything that is going to be successful at keeping me sober.  Or, if I'm completely honest, anything other method than AA that results in a fellowship where I'm loved and get to love.  SMART recovery people might not be drinking, but I don't see them having potlucks or retreats.  To each their own, I know what's right for me.

 

[hornbri 1,399]

Time to bring this thread back up. How is everyone this week? 

Went to a wedding last week, it was one of those weddings where every place sitting has multiple glasses in front of you just waiting for wine of all colors and multiple cocktails. Wouldn’t you know it ended up sitting next to a guy with 15 years of sobriety and we got to not drink together and had a great time. 

[Moby Ric 2,058]

I am still alcohol free going on 14 weeks now.  I feel like I am in a good place currently but I am very aware those demons are out there and will come at me when they think they can get me back.  Still fighting the good fight.

Hope everyone else is doing well.

[BearSchlong 8,098]

4 hours ago, hornbri said:

Time to bring this thread back up. How is everyone this week? 

Went to a wedding last week, it was one of those weddings where every place sitting has multiple glasses in front of you just waiting for wine of all colors and multiple cocktails. Wouldn’t you know it ended up sitting next to a guy with 15 years of sobriety and we got to not drink together and had a great time. 

Interesting point.  I can recall my last drunk wedding, it was my best friend's and I stood in the pulpit of an Episcopal church, pulled out my camera and took a photo of the audience and then slurred through some reading a la John Boehner.  The rest of the night was blackout, and several years later my very last drunk coincided with me trying to bed one of his college friends and her turning me down.  I made direct amends for the wedding fiasco, and if God ever puts that lady in my path I might just have to make amends to her for that night.  "Hey, uh, I now have to practice rigorous honesty, I wanted to fuck your brains out since you were an 18 yr old at Rice and finally had enough courage to tell you when I was in my 30s, you shot me down, I got drunk for the last time, had a near death experience, and have been continuously sober since the next day."  Maybe I'll discuss it with my sponsor first.

The point is, I can't imagine an event where I drink that doesn't end in people recoiling in horror.  Yup, I'm an alcoholic.

Going through a very stressful time at the moment, my stepmom and I had a a very awkward discussion with my late dad's stockbroker today but I didn't have to drink over it. Fuck *** by the way, unless you are a very high net worth individual which I am definitely not, and with the current market I'm becoming less so by the day.

4 hours ago, Moby Ric said:

I am still alcohol free going on 14 weeks now.  I feel like I am in a good place currently but I am very aware those demons are out there and will come at me when they think they can get me back.  Still fighting the good fight.

Hope everyone else is doing well.

I get it, I really do - but they aren't demons.  And fighting is pointless.  Would you call cancer a demon?  And what is fighting cancer, other than getting out of denial and attempting to maintain a positive attitude?

I have a disease where my body and brain metabolizes alcohol different from some other people, and the sooner I embrace it and treat it, i.e. get into acceptance and lay down my sword and submit, the quicker the paradox kicks in and the more enjoyment and meaning I get from life.

Laypeople think it's a fight, or shake their head and say "that guy. . .he has demons" but nah not really. It's a disease of perception.  It's not good, or bad, it just is.

Reminds me of my good friend Kenny B, just a prince among men.  He couldn't get out of the "warfare" mindset, enjoyed a few years of sobriety, then had an accident that required surgery, and eventually addiction killed him.

[Celery Man 20,962]

Have I talked about tidiness with you guys? I'm actually a bit curious if others have had the same experience in sobriety - I am not a neat and organized person. Never have been, clutter is invisible to me. I'm looking at my desk right now, and if I actively look at it, I notice that there's keys, two pocketknives, a sharpie, two stacks of post its, two guitar capos, a newspaper stuck between my computers, two pieces of mail, 3 guitar picks, a little fidgety toy type thing, and a guitar tuner on my desk. And a pen. That's not counting the junk on the surfaces behind me. I'm noticing this right now and pausing to tidy up, because I just don't even see this stuff, but I have come to realize in my sobriety how tightly coupled my surroundings are with my frame of mind. If I'm sitting in a pile of clutter, I feel it in my brain without even recognizing that's what I'm feeling. I could have everything sorted away and nothing to worry about, and if I was sitting in a room filled with garbage I would have a strong sense of impending doom.

Routine is also important to me. It was important to me when I was drinking. Early sobriety I had a strictly observed routine with chamomile tea and winding down for bed. Now with the kid, my routine is much more chore related. The thing I do last before I head upstairs to play guitar or video games or watch a bit of TV or whatever it is is put everything in the kitchen away (which means nothing on the counters at all save for the toaster, coffeemaker, and kitchenaid), set up my coffee for the morning, and then clean all the surfaces. Thoroughly - i use a spray bottle and a bamboo cloth, and then I wipe it down with whichever of the kitchen towels I'm going to replace that evening. I rub my hand over the counter and make sure there's no hidden grit. It's clean clean clean. I step back and look at the kitchen, everything is put away everything is clean, and it scratches an itch in the back of my head that everything is OK and I can turn off for the night.

Anyways I'm rambling - I've been thinking about (beyond staying on top of keeping the kitchen clean) the purpose that that whole exercise serves, and realizing that it's important for me.  Because it is going through the scene of all the changes that happened in the day, putting everything away in its proper place, and setting it back up again for the next day. It's a whole zen peaceful making thing. Anyone reading along in early sobriety when it's especially important to keep busy, I highly recommend doing heavy duty spring cleaning and a pass of making your space nice, and then incorporating regular maintenance of your space into your routine. It absolutely makes a difference in how you feel.

[Moby Ric 2,058]

10 hours ago, Celery Man said:

Have I talked about tidiness with you guys? I'm actually a bit curious if others have had the same experience in sobriety - I am not a neat and organized person. Never have been, clutter is invisible to me. I'm looking at my desk right now, and if I actively look at it, I notice that there's keys, two pocketknives, a sharpie, two stacks of post its, two guitar capos, a newspaper stuck between my computers, two pieces of mail, 3 guitar picks, a little fidgety toy type thing, and a guitar tuner on my desk. And a pen. That's not counting the junk on the surfaces behind me. I'm noticing this right now and pausing to tidy up, because I just don't even see this stuff, but I have come to realize in my sobriety how tightly coupled my surroundings are with my frame of mind. If I'm sitting in a pile of clutter, I feel it in my brain without even recognizing that's what I'm feeling. I could have everything sorted away and nothing to worry about, and if I was sitting in a room filled with garbage I would have a strong sense of impending doom.

Routine is also important to me. It was important to me when I was drinking. Early sobriety I had a strictly observed routine with chamomile tea and winding down for bed. Now with the kid, my routine is much more chore related. The thing I do last before I head upstairs to play guitar or video games or watch a bit of TV or whatever it is is put everything in the kitchen away (which means nothing on the counters at all save for the toaster, coffeemaker, and kitchenaid), set up my coffee for the morning, and then clean all the surfaces. Thoroughly - i use a spray bottle and a bamboo cloth, and then I wipe it down with whichever of the kitchen towels I'm going to replace that evening. I rub my hand over the counter and make sure there's no hidden grit. It's clean clean clean. I step back and look at the kitchen, everything is put away everything is clean, and it scratches an itch in the back of my head that everything is OK and I can turn off for the night.

Anyways I'm rambling - I've been thinking about (beyond staying on top of keeping the kitchen clean) the purpose that that whole exercise serves, and realizing that it's important for me.  Because it is going through the scene of all the changes that happened in the day, putting everything away in its proper place, and setting it back up again for the next day. It's a whole zen peaceful making thing. Anyone reading along in early sobriety when it's especially important to keep busy, I highly recommend doing heavy duty spring cleaning and a pass of making your space nice, and then incorporating regular maintenance of your space into your routine. It absolutely makes a difference in how you feel.

Yes, I am finding jobs around the home to do and our house is usually very clean and organized but I find ways to make it cleaner and more organized.  I have re organized the laundry room, my closet, my office etc.  I have told the wife I am replacing some chairs in the living room and redecorating a portion of it as well.  WTF is wrong with me?