I'm An Alcoholic

[Reagan1k 3026]

18 minutes ago, South Austin said:

A comment on the anonymity issue raised above. Two of my law partners have gone through rehab over the past two years. We all knew it. We didn’t throw them a party or have a group discussion. But the general consensus was, “Good for you, and we’re here to support you.” There was no stigma attached, and their law practices didn’t suffer. I can understand the embarrassment and shame associated with alcoholism, but for those of us on the other side, we know this disease is so pervasive, especially in the legal community, and we just want folks to get better however they can.

Anonymity is an interesting topic and there are a lot of opinions.  A core tennant is that we maintain anonymity at the level or press, radio, TV, etc.....That no member is "speaking for AA" or representing AA as a personality.  That is one of our traditions and a founding principle that keeps us from mutually assured destruction.  

At the personal level, it serves a purpose in that newcomers can be alleviated of the fear that their problem will be broadcast in the social pages or spread in gossip.  Many wouldn't ever come in the doors if they couldn't hang their hat on that.

Inside the rooms, anonymity varies.  Many (myself included) don't maintain much anonymity at all.  People I meet in the rooms know exactly who I am and how to find me if they need me. 

My friends outside of the rooms also know I'm in the fellowship.  If they ever need help or know someone who needs help I want to be a resource.  I don't talk to them about AA or my drinking unless they ask, but they damn sure know it is part of my life and I pray to be a quiet example of what it can do for a struggling alcoholic.

I respect others anonymity inside and outside the rooms and don't share anything about others I see there or what I hear.  I'll break my anonymity on a personal level, but will protect that of others.

Different people can and do have other opinions. 

[BearSchlong 8139]

I laugh when I see people in my meetings that drove over from Houston or Lake Charles because they didn’t want to be seen in a meeting by someone they might know.

I always tell them well, they are there as well, you know.

The heroics that people will endeavor to control their entry into recovery are astounding, and pretty fucking funny. That’s the disease just screaming inside their heads.

I watched Nikki Sixx briefly allude to his 22 years in sobriety in a funny profane moment in front of a packed Minute Maid stadium tonight.

AA is where all the cool kids hang out. I was in the beer line getting my wife a karbach and the guy next to me asked me about my thoughts on it, I replied “I got no idea, I used up my lifetime alcohol ration 11 years ago and he actually gave me a high five.

[YGIFS 19453]

Yeah, the anonymity was a concern for me but way down the list.  My buddy Jeff, who probably knows South Austin, assured me "you'd be blown away by how little people give a shit at our age about admitting you have a problem."  He explained it well that the more you share, the more people are willing to help.  The less you wanna talk about it, the more they'll hang back and drop the subject. 

Over the last several weeks, including yesterday after work, have told some people I used to pound drinks with, "Look, I'm trying to quit.  This is the hardest I've ever tried so please understand if I blow off your texts for happy hour, it's not personal."  And they instantly get it.  They're totally fine and don't say another word.  Others, I open up to more and they listen and speak to me earnestly.  And we end up chatting for two hours.  Still others have just come out of the woodwork, it's fucking amazing.  People I knew were recovering, others I had no idea.  The universe just saw I needed to hear from folks and is putting us together to talk and share and listen.  And it's been incredibly helpful.  But I need to add meetings into the mix as well. 

My hangup wasn't being outed by folks at a meeting, it was that I can barely handle people in real life.  Sober or drunk, interacting with humans makes my fucking teeth itch.  But I had to get good at it for my job, and I got real fucking good at it.  I could do it sober, buzzed, or black out drunk.  But I also recognize the circle of I gotta either have a few drinks beforehand to chill out or grin 'n bear these interactions with the understanding that afterwards---I'll treat myself to a few drinks as a reward.  As a result of these bullshit deals with myself, I killed it with regard to human interaction.  We're going back into a fundraise this Autumn and I gotta deal with all that shit as well, and I gotta try it sober this time.  So I need to start prepping now with meetings and counseling and other changes.  I raised money and got bills passed in committee while blackout drunk.  It was a coping mechanism because I couldn't stand those awkward conversations sober.  I worried that at meetings, I'd have to have these earnest 1:1's with a potential sponsor or whatever.  

All that to say this thread has made me realize that should not prevent me from attending.  Between some of y'all and some friends in recovery, I have made peace with just go and listen and people will get it and leave you alone until you reach out and then just as it has been with friends and family, they will mirror and match your need for help.  I've already seen it in small doses and it's fucking awesome.  My powerlessness, and the chore of drinking, and my realizing that the only other person I'm lying to anymore was myself.  I watched a few more videos and am ready to attend next week and observe.  

To bearschlong's point, to take off the table me using as an excuse of "I don't wanna drive to North Austin after work", I am purposely going literally right outside my neighborhood.  Like I could almost hit a golf ball to this building.  So I won't have the "traffic/commute" bullshit to get out of it.  I think I'll even bike there once it cools down so I can have some extra alone time before and after.  I'm almost guaranteed to see somebody I know there but I don't give a shit about that anymore, the stigma from others is not my hangup.  I just can't be part of somebody else's recovery right now and I know I'm a selfish asshole for wanting them to be part of mine.  I need to hear how more people have done this and convince myself to keep plugging along.  Eventually, I'll break down and ramble and be there for others.  And I'm very helpful and philanthropic and giving in real life, but I also had alcohol to fall back on.  Not sure I can juggle all that shit sober.  

Thank you all again for the feedback and encouragement.  To conclude my bullshit---this is so fucking weird.  But kinda in a good way.  Some shit is some much fucking harder than I thought it'd be.  And other parts are so much more encouraging and positive and cool stuff has happened that I did not see coming at all.  I don't know if it's gonna work but I feel like I'm kinda outside myself right now if that makes sense? 

[Celery Man 21027]

3 hours ago, YGIFS said:

 I could almost hit a golf ball to this building.

Edited August 20, 2022 by Celery Man

[Celery Man 21027]

My main fear of people at work knowing I’m an alcoholic is that they’ll change their behavior or be uncomfortable. Even there, I’m giving in to my alcoholic neuroticism that people are thinking about me that much at all.

[BearSchlong 8139]

Yeah, the anonymity was a concern for me but way down the list.  My buddy Jeff, who probably knows South Austin, assured me "you'd be blown away by how little people give a shit at our age about admitting you have a problem."  He explained it well that the more you share, the more people are willing to help.  The less you wanna talk about it, the more they'll hang back and drop the subject. 
Over the last several weeks, including yesterday after work, have told some people I used to pound drinks with, "Look, I'm trying to quit.  This is the hardest I've ever tried so please understand if I blow off your texts for happy hour, it's not personal."  And they instantly get it.  They're totally fine and don't say another word.  Others, I open up to more and they listen and speak to me earnestly.  And we end up chatting for two hours.  Still others have just come out of the woodwork, it's fucking amazing.  People I knew were recovering, others I had no idea.  The universe just saw I needed to hear from folks and is putting us together to talk and share and listen.  And it's been incredibly helpful.  But I need to add meetings into the mix as well. 
My hangup wasn't being outed by folks at a meeting, it was that I can barely handle people in real life.  Sober or drunk, interacting with humans makes my fucking teeth itch.  But I had to get good at it for my job, and I got real fucking good at it.  I could do it sober, buzzed, or black out drunk.  But I also recognize the circle of I gotta either have a few drinks beforehand to chill out or grin 'n bear these interactions with the understanding that afterwards---I'll treat myself to a few drinks as a reward.  As a result of these bullshit deals with myself, I killed it with regard to human interaction.  We're going back into a fundraise this Autumn and I gotta deal with all that shit as well, and I gotta try it sober this time.  So I need to start prepping now with meetings and counseling and other changes.  I raised money and got bills passed in committee while blackout drunk.  It was a coping mechanism because I couldn't stand those awkward conversations sober.  I worried that at meetings, I'd have to have these earnest 1:1's with a potential sponsor or whatever.  
All that to say this thread has made me realize that should not prevent me from attending.  Between some of y'all and some friends in recovery, I have made peace with just go and listen and people will get it and leave you alone until you reach out and then just as it has been with friends and family, they will mirror and match your need for help.  I've already seen it in small doses and it's fucking awesome.  My powerlessness, and the chore of drinking, and my realizing that the only other person I'm lying to anymore was myself.  I watched a few more videos and am ready to attend next week and observe.  
To bearschlong's point, to take off the table me using as an excuse of "I don't wanna drive to North Austin after work", I am purposely going literally right outside my neighborhood.  Like I could almost hit a golf ball to this building.  So I won't have the "traffic/commute" bullshit to get out of it.  I think I'll even bike there once it cools down so I can have some extra alone time before and after.  I'm almost guaranteed to see somebody I know there but I don't give a shit about that anymore, the stigma from others is not my hangup.  I just can't be part of somebody else's recovery right now and I know I'm a selfish asshole for wanting them to be part of mine.  I need to hear how more people have done this and convince myself to keep plugging along.  Eventually, I'll break down and ramble and be there for others.  And I'm very helpful and philanthropic and giving in real life, but I also had alcohol to fall back on.  Not sure I can juggle all that shit sober.  
Thank you all again for the feedback and encouragement.  To conclude my bullshit---this is so fucking weird.  But kinda in a good way.  Some shit is some much fucking harder than I thought it'd be.  And other parts are so much more encouraging and positive and cool stuff has happened that I did not see coming at all.  I don't know if it's gonna work but I feel like I'm kinda outside myself right now if that makes sense? 

IMO you’re not done yet. No offense.

It’s OK, I’ve been there.

You’re not out of answers yet.

[BearSchlong 8139]

My main fear of people at work knowing I’m an alcoholic is that they’ll change their behavior or be uncomfortable. Even there, I’m giving in to my alcoholic neuroticism that people are thinking about me that much at all.

My favorite part of this whole thread across various iterations during the last decade was your last post before entering rehab.

It didn’t make much sense, but my impression was “now here’s a man at the point of absolute surrender.”

[Celery Man 21027]

1 hour ago, BearSchlong said:

My favorite part of this whole thread across various iterations during the last decade was your last post before entering rehab.

It didn’t make much sense, but my impression was “now here’s a man at the point of absolute surrender.”

Hah, I’ll take your word for it on what it said but that’s right

[TwiceHorn 31686]

On the topic of meetings.  Go into any of them realizing that you have more in common with these people, on the issue that counts--the reason you're all there, than not.

Yes, there are groups that you will jibe or jive with, and groups that you may not, and even within those groups, there will be individuals you jibe with and those that you don't.  That's fine.  But part of the open-mindedness required to recover from this disease is to see the commonality with your fellow man who has a problem with drinking and never lose sight of that.  If you bear that in mind, you can get something out of any meeting you go to. If you go around focusing on differences, you're going to have a tough time of it.

In regard to this disease, you're not special, at all.

[Parliament 14377]

You guys are all.awesome.

[YGIFS 19453]

3 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

IMO you’re not done yet. No offense.

It’s OK, I’ve been there.

You’re not out of answers yet.

I am far from done.  Yesterday was good, between work and time with wife was okay.  Today fucking blows.  I  am freaking out and don’t know what to do and she’s pisser off at me.   She’s been earned the right. 

[Celery Man 21027]

This will pass. Identify something you can do to make something better and go do that thing. Or go to a meeting. 

[BearSchlong 8139]

This will pass. Identify something you can do to make something better and go do that thing. Or go to a meeting. 

This dilly dallying around making your wife miserable while you try to do everything except the inevitable is a waste of time, you’re just prolonging your misery.

Are you still committed to going to a meeting tomorrow?

[TwiceHorn 31686]

6 hours ago, Celery Man said:

Hah, I’ll take your word for it on what it said but that’s right

Not to pile on, I don't remember it exactly, but without having any idea you were struggling with the booze, somehow I instantly knew, Celery is tryna get sober.

[TwiceHorn 31686]

6 minutes ago, BearSchlong said:

This dilly dallying around making your wife miserable while you try to do everything except the inevitable is a waste of time, you’re just prolonging your misery.

Are you still committed to going to a meeting tomorrow?

Yeah, you get the sense he's way overthinking this.  In that way, kinda dumb people have an easier time with it.  But what it really boils down to is trying to find an easier, softer way.

It's kind of uncanny.  Smarter people will give a lengthy disquisition on all the facts leading to the conclusion of alcoholism, all the while actually mentally believing that they aren't alcoholics.

[YGIFS 19453]

I’m committing to Church and Exercise tomorrow. Had two long conversations with two close friends in recovery this evening.  But it was a shitty day mentally overall.  Physically, I had a decent day—-no dry heaving and not much shaking.  But I thought and talked shit all day long.  
 

I’m going to the meeting on Monday.   and may even try the other one same day.  I’m posting this to hold myself accountable and have told my friends and wife the same. I am done bargaining.  

[Dewey 3315]

Good days pass and you will have bad ones. Bad days pass and you will have good ones, you just have to take it easy and trust this wild universe that'll be alright. The fucked up emotions you felt yesterday are the emotions that drove you to drink in the first place. I remember those well, those emotions shook me daily for a good while, it was realizing that they were over the top emotions, that I'm not that important of a guy and they to shall pass, and they did, that's what kept me sober. It's like a sharp blade that dulls, it'll stop cutting after a while. 

In my early days of sobriety, I woke up every morning in pain, in anger and thanked God. I guess that was for me the only way to reel this run away train in. That was me, it may not be you, but you need to simplify your emotions and understanding of them. Good emotions, keep, bad emotions, don't dwell there, try your best to let go of them. Prayer, meditation, reading something that is reassuring to your process of sobriety.

I don't know your story, save for a couple posts, just take it easy and watch as things pass, both good and bad. There's a process to getting sober that we don't think will work until it does and has for a lot of people. Stay patient and enjoy the ride. 

[Reagan1k 3026]

8 hours ago, YGIFS said:

I’m committing to Church and Exercise tomorrow. Had two long conversations with two close friends in recovery this evening.  But it was a shitty day mentally overall.  Physically, I had a decent day—-no dry heaving and not much shaking.  But I thought and talked shit all day long.  
 

I’m going to the meeting on Monday.   and may even try the other one same day.  I’m posting this to hold myself accountable and have told my friends and wife the same. I am done bargaining.  

“Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path….”

I’m an alcoholic.  I excel at planning, thinking, talking, and resolute convictions.  Three frogs are on a log and one decides to jump off.  How many are left….. three.

Recovery is an action.  Not a mental exercise.  Everyone has a plan until they get hit in the mouth and life is that fist… every day.  From a missed stoplight to a death in the family.  They’re all punches to an untreated alcoholic.

My desire for you and others who struggle to get to a meeting isn’t for the meetings sake- but rather to identify and witness that there is a solution in the actions outlined in the steps of recovery.

It’s an old saying but more relevant in my life with every day that passes… we don’t think our way into right action/living.  We act/live our way into right thinking.

The medicine to alleviate the suffering you’ve been describing is prescribed exactly in the big book. Get to some meetings, and then take the actions you’ll hear described there.

 

 

[YGIFS 19453]

I'm going Monday.  if I don't check in here on Tuesday, I've gone sideways again.  I should go today but I need to be with family on Sunday.  I'm gonna do the standard open meeting on 5:30p and also check out the "desire to stop" early this week.  I am busting my ass to get into a counselor before month's end as well.  I guess I''ll end up private paying which my wife is not a huge fan of but she knows I need it and will eventually reconcile.  But the fact I can get a gun easier than I get an appointment is pretty fucking damming.    I am literally doing a big book podcast this morning before church.  I need accountability.  I need to be held to a standard.  I am not doing everything I should be fellas, but I'm fucking trying.  I thank you all.  My first six weeks were sweating, and shaking, and dry heaving.  I need more now.  I know the next moves.  I will work through it.  It's fucking butt ugly right now.  But I thank y'all.  i'm done bargaining.  I am not adding trade-offs.  I need to get over this mental hump.  I mean, I know I won't completely.  But I need to get over this next log.  I'm not overthinking anything, in fact-I'm not thinking at all.  My brain shut off a couple weeks ago.  I don't know it's good, bad, or indifferent but I kinda feel like myself again but much, much, much, dumber.  

I'm going tomorrow.  Hopefully twice this week.  I'll check in here for judgement and verbosity that night or Tuesday.  

[BearSchlong 8139]

You’re right where you’re supposed to be at this exact moment in this particular universe.



Here is what you will get at the 9th step.

[BearSchlong 8139]

Tapaduplicate

[Celery Man 21027]

it is so goddamn difficult to track down any mental health stuff covered by insurance. I should be in therapy, really everyone should be in therapy - my wife would like me to be in therapy, I should make myself go to therapy, but as far as I've gotten is spending hours trying to find in network providers and hitting a brick wall. With my decent united coverage.

 

Brain shut off is good. If you don't go to the meeting on monday I'm going to fly to wherever you are and kick your ass. It's such a NOTHING. It's a walk from your house and takes an hour - you could fold it into a trip to the store and if they weren't already on the lookout for your drinking nobody would notice it happened.

 

11 hours ago, TwiceHorn said:

Yeah, you get the sense he's way overthinking this.  In that way, kinda dumb people have an easier time with it.  But what it really boils down to is trying to find an easier, softer way.

It's kind of uncanny.  Smarter people will give a lengthy disquisition on all the facts leading to the conclusion of alcoholism, all the while actually mentally believing that they aren't alcoholics.

for those who weren't around for my spiral, the reason I can't remember shit from my going off the deep end posts is because I was drugged up in a hospital about to go into a coma and I have no recollection at all whatsoever. and when I woke up from said coma... someday I'd like to talk to a brain scientist and get her take on it, but I was basically Forest Gump for a bit. Great fucking time to get sat down in a rehab and told "listen and do what the sober people say". Sure thing boss. Game over boss.

 

I feel like surely I've talked about it in here but cleaning is great therapy/meditation. A meeting is a good way to distract yourself until your brain corrects when you're having a bit of a bad time, but... man cleaning is really good for me. Every night for me, I have my airpods in listening to a book while I put all the toys away and the dishes and various shit that got dislodged from its proper place downstairs. Empty the dishwasher, set up the coffee for the morning, clean out the sink, get my spray bottle of dawn+water and a bamboo rag and just work my way across the island and then onto the counters. Lights off, flashlight on the counter so I can see the grime and little pieces of whatever, scrub it all off and wipe it down until I can run my hand over the counter and it's smooth. Vacuum the floor, take out of the trash. If my mind was running off about something I've got 30% of it engaged in the activity which improves my surroundings and my active brain trying to stay focused on the book. Actually I'm reading "Thinking Fast and Slow" by Kahneman right now and makes lots of sense - system 1 occupied, keeping system 2 engaged with what I'm trying to listen to. Time passes, at the end of it that kitchen shines and the downstairs is put away and if I was pissed or off kilter at all I'm less pissed and more balanced. Ready to cool down for a minute and fall effortlessly to sleep.

If you're super pissed and your wife is mad at you go clean the toilets.

Edited August 21, 2022 by Celery Man

[BearSchlong 8139]

Michael Lewis’ book about Kahneman and his friend Amos Tversky and prospect theory and the Nobel prize work is my 2nd favorite book of all time after the Big Book. The Undoing Project. I voraciously consume all of Lewis’ books.

It is a vast explanation of fear and the 4th step and irrationality.

I will bring up that topic in meetings.

I’ve got the book you reference teed up in my audible queue. Thank you so much for reminding me.

[Celery Man 21027]

5 minutes ago, BearSchlong said:

Michael Lewis’ book about Kahneman and his friend Amos Tversky and prospect theory and the Nobel prize work is my 2nd favorite book of all time after the Big Book. The Undoing Project. I voraciously consume all of Lewis’ books.

It is a vast explanation of fear and the 4th step and irrationality.

I will bring up that topic in meetings.

I’ve got the book you reference teed up in my audible queue. Thank you so much for reminding me.

That’s next on my list.

 Getting off topic but a library card+Libby (app)+headphones is awesome for getting mental food into routine activities

[Reagan1k 3026]

1 hour ago, YGIFS said:

I'm going Monday.  if I don't check in here on Tuesday, I've gone sideways again.  I should go today but I need to be with family on Sunday.  I'm gonna do the standard open meeting on 5:30p and also check out the "desire to stop" early this week.  I am busting my ass to get into a counselor before month's end as well.  I guess I''ll end up private paying which my wife is not a huge fan of but she knows I need it and will eventually reconcile.  But the fact I can get a gun easier than I get an appointment is pretty fucking damming.    I am literally doing a big book podcast this morning before church.  I need accountability.  I need to be held to a standard.  I am not doing everything I should be fellas, but I'm fucking trying.  I thank you all.  My first six weeks were sweating, and shaking, and dry heaving.  I need more now.  I know the next moves.  I will work through it.  It's fucking butt ugly right now.  But I thank y'all.  i'm done bargaining.  I am not adding trade-offs.  I need to get over this mental hump.  I mean, I know I won't completely.  But I need to get over this next log.  I'm not overthinking anything, in fact-I'm not thinking at all.  My brain shut off a couple weeks ago.  I don't know it's good, bad, or indifferent but I kinda feel like myself again but much, much, much, dumber.  

I'm going tomorrow.  Hopefully twice this week.  I'll check in here for judgement and verbosity that night or Tuesday.  

Great!!!!  Please know that I’m not picking on you.  I’ve been right where you are (and stayed there too long without knowing the truth) and I’ve watched others as well. This shit kills people who dick around with it so sometimes I may come across as harsh.

 

[hornbri 1467]

2 hours ago, YGIFS said:

I'm going tomorrow.  Hopefully twice this week.

You seem good at planning, why not plan to go to one a day for the next week? Give it a real chance. 

[YGIFS 19453]

1 hour ago, hornbri said:

You seem good at planning, why not plan to go to one a day for the next week? Give it a real chance. 

I'm taking small steps.  I know I need more recovery in my life

[TwiceHorn 31686]

6 hours ago, Reagan1k said:

Great!!!!  Please know that I’m not picking on you.  I’ve been right where you are (and stayed there too long without knowing the truth) and I’ve watched others as well. This shit kills people who dick around with it so sometimes I may come across as harsh.

 

Yep, sometimes the things we say come off harsh or discompassionate, even surly, if you will.

But, we've all been there and we tend to "talk" to you the way we needed to be talked to.  Rather than engage in a lengthy discussion about the meaning of it all and the pros and cons, it tends to come out as a terse statement of what you need to do and how what you're doing is standing in the way of what you need to do.

I always remember the "you can't think your way sober" admonition, but I always forget the corollary that by acting we change our thinking.

[BearSchlong 8139]

(Its 4:05 pm on Sunday, Monday and that meeting are just around the corner)

To Twice's point, I've erased at least a dozen very direct paragraphs that I would have sent to any man who called me sponsor.

When you ask a man to sponsor you, that gives him explicit permission to tell you exactly what he sees.

[hornbri 1467]

3 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

(Its 4:05 pm on Sunday, Monday and that meeting are just around the corner)

To Twice's point, I've erased at least a dozen very direct paragraphs that I would have sent to any man who called me sponsor.

When you ask a man to sponsor you, that gives him explicit permission to tell you exactly what he sees.



 

Agreed. He came here looking for help and I think he is getting it. I wish people had been even more blunt to me.

I 100% was in the exact spot, and i know there is no way to be successful without full commitment (and my kids that i thought were “too young to understand” yeah they knew daddy was sick and are super happy he goes to meetings that help him feel better now).

[After irth 1245]

9 hours ago, YGIFS said:

I'm taking small steps.  I know I need more recovery in my life

You seem obsessed with booking a therapist. I can’t help but think that attending meetings will bring you some form of mental and emotional peace and/or fortitude while you wait for whatever appts you scheduled. 
 

Just sayin. 

[YGIFS 19453]

I'm going tomorrow to my first meeting.  And going to a second one later in the week to get myself on the right schedule/rhythms.  Doing a bunch of other stuff as well (talking 1:1 with folks in recovery, exercise, church, diet changes, not doing muscle memory shit involving booze, etc.).  Also, as well, in addition to that...am working with insurance and waiting to get in a therapist's calendar.  In addition to going to meetings.  I wasn't ready my first six weeks, just had to work on not freaking out physically.  But am going to a meeting this week, hopefully two.  While I am going, hopefully I will also get on a therapy docket soon.  Also, this is in addition to me going to a meeting.  

I can buy a barrel of vodka and an AR-15 by the time my nearby AA meetings happens tomorrow.  But fuck me if I need mental health, that's for fucking pussies!  

 

[BearSchlong 8139]

I pray that one day you get out of your own fucking way and start taking advice from professional recovered alcoholics.

[YGIFS 19453]

Going later “today” to meeting and been doing not much else but talking to pro alcoholics in recovery. Listening to a podcast by dr Medelson right now.  Just venting on here, trying to do the real work in real life.  

found a second meeting to attend later In the week as well.  will check in here Monday night or Tuesday morning to share and get feedback for next time.  

Taking advice from upthread and reading the big book when I can’t fall back asleep.  Even told my mom I am going to AA yesterday.   

if there’s some other secret advice you haven’t told me yet, I’m all fucking ears.  I can’t go back in time.  I’m a powerless shitheel trying to make Monday a decent day

[BearSchlong 8139]

Going later “today” to meeting and been doing not much else but talking to pro alcoholics in recovery. Listening to a podcast by dr Medelson right now.  Just venting on here, trying to do the real work in real life.  
found a second meeting to attend later In the week as well.  will check in here Monday night or Tuesday morning to share and get feedback for next time.  
Taking advice from upthread and reading the big book when I can’t fall back asleep.  Even told my mom I am going to AA yesterday.   
if there’s some other secret advice you haven’t told me yet, I’m all fucking ears.  I can’t go back in time.  I’m a powerless shitheel trying to make Monday a decent day

Stop obsessing about therapy and go to at least one meeting a day for 90 days.

If I was a therapist, I’d take your money, roll my eyes, and tell you to go to 90 meetings in 90 days.

What you need is undiluted information. Get dumb. Find a sponsor. Dive into the book and do what it says to do.

Read “the doctor’s opinion.” Ask some old timers about the “mental obsession” and the phenomenon of craving. Read “how it works” and pages 60 through 63, then pages 86,87, and 88.

Read more about Alcoholism, and the chapter We Agnostics.

But most importantly, go to meetings, as many ones as you can find. 2 a week is mere tourism.

[YGIFS 19453]

Thanks.  Will read those.  I average about two hours a day talking to folks in recovery.  I’m probably taking up too much of their Time so will reduce that to an hour and sub in a meeting instead.  

[YGIFS 19453]

Man, "the actor" metaphor in Chapt. 5 is a little too on the nose for me.  Good stuff though. 

  i Read "We Agnostics." Made me realize I'm not really agnostic, just anti-big church.  But the middle chapters spoke to me about that's that religion isn't the point.  It's the admission you need something else's help and then how to open yourself up to that and work that relationship.  I've doing okay (not great) at that the last few weeks.  But this is the area, along with the roller coaster ride of trying to keep sober, that really makes me want to go to meetings.  I'd also like help from old timers in helping bring Chapt. 6 to life.  I get the inventory taking and Step 10 but I know this is gonna be a tough one for me to work at consistently. 

Am reading family/wives chapters closely this morning so I can have a better discussion with my wife about all this when I get home later and she asks about the meeting.  

Am reading the long III parts this week as well.  And then I'll read it again next week.    

Bear-I sent you my info via PM if there's other stuff to discuss off-the-board.  I appreciate your frankness.  

[BearSchlong 8139]

There are many meetings devoted to book study. Mine just happens to be my regular Monday night meeting at the Presbyterian church.

We read part of the book, and discuss. And repeat. And like Forrest Gump, when we reach an ocean we just start running (reading) again. For years.

We learn to cherish having a brand new experience with the same material.

[BearSchlong 8139]

Also, there’s no rule against taking your wife with you to an “open” meeting. And she may then edit greatly from Al Anon.

Families recover together.

My wife is a member of Al Anon, and we go to AA/Al Anon mixed events regularly.

[DallasHorn26 586]

I can't tell you what to do, but I can speak from my experience. I spent years chasing alternate solutions in medicine, therapy, counseling, reading, exercise. At the end of the day, I still continued to get drunk and wreck my life and those around me.

 

I made every excuse in the book as to why I drank the way I did and looked for every reason to justify my drinking. I blamed my situation on everyone  and everything around me.

 

Turns out, I'm basically a selfish prick who didn't respond well when the world around me didn't meet my expectations and then I drank because I drank.

I had periods of sobriety, but I was miserable. Being sober wasn't enough. Drinking had been my solution, not my problem.

When I came into AA, I saw people that were happy, seemed to have it together and were sober. Surely these guys didn't drink the way I did and cause the hell I caused. But sure enough, as I listened to them and shared my experience, they matched me story for story and at times made my drinking seem amateur. 

At the beginning, I was told if you want we have, then go where we go and do what we do. Lo and behold, that has worked! I learned out to get out of my own way and stop making excuses. It was about getting out of my comfort zone and doing those things I didn't want to do or felt uncomfortable doing like speaking in front of a group, spending several nights a week going to meetings, picking up the phone and calling someone to see how they're doing. Now those things bring me joy. I used to show up to the meeting right on time, slip in and slip out,. Now,  I show up to the meeting early, make coffee, take out the trash, pick up cigarette butts if needed and I do it with a smile on my face. 

[BearSchlong 8139]

Off topic but Al Anon topical and kinda funny -

Last night my wife and I took my 80 year old aunt and uncle to see Robert Earl Keen. Smallish venue, the Julie Rogers Theatre.

My wife’s ex husband (divorced since 2006) and all his BFFs - effectively all the groomsmen from her 1st wedding and the guys from her high school graduating class and his frat bros were sitting 2 rows directly in front of us (we were 7th row, they each paid $50 more per ticket for 5th row. I’ve got a connection and had my pick of any ticket in the venue weeks before they went on sale but wasn’t going to pay $145 to see REK, and he has a no comp policy on this tour. He needs the money.)

We hung out with them for a half hour or so before the concert, it was cordial, they don’t have kids together and so it wasn’t uncomfortable or anything, I actually used to occasionally drink with him and when I met my wife I didn’t even realize that they had been married.

Anyway, that whole crew got shitcan white boy wasted. Her ex husband passed out in his chair. These are 48 year old men, btw.

It was a traumatic for my wife, though, watching it all. She used to have to take care of his drunk immobile ass and deal with all his shithead friends for 5 years, 7 if you count the dating years.

I just now walked into her office and told her I was telling y’all this story. I said “honey, if you miss all that I could just start drinking again. I’m so sorry you’re married to the most boring guy in Beaumont.”

She exploded “FUCK No! You saw that I called it last night, that he would be nodding off, last night was like EVERY FUCKING weekend of my marriage to him. You start drinking and I will leave your motherfucking ASS so quick your head will spin.”

I just kissed her on the forehead and returned to my office.

I love that woman.

Ps. Last night she also reminded me that My lack of whisky dick contributed mightily to her initial infatuation with me.

[YGIFS 19453]

Did not see Robert Earl Keen but I did not have to stay at a Holiday Inn Express tonight.  Which is nice. 

Made it out in that monsoon over Central Austin to my first meeting and am really glad I did.  Everybody was very supportive of  just me listening and learning.  Got the book and some phone numbers and my chip.  talked to some folks afterwards a little more in depth about where I'm at.  I had "quit" about 7 weeks ago and was doing much better.  Slipped up late last week.  Bad.  Shared how I've been working at this physically and mentally.  And a guy just said the most obvious thing.  Basically sounds like you've been ready for #1-#3 for awhile and even done a bit of work on them.  And I have.  But he summed it up, "They're kinda like a pod by themselves, you gotta keep at them but at least you're aware of them and the necessity to build upon them.  But based on the little you've shared, you're gonna have a bitch of a time with #4."  And he explained why and nailed my issue there.  So I'm going back sooner than I had planned and reading that part of the book tonight.  My false starts and even fucking up after I had been on a decent dry run, I get stalled out refusing to admit what alcohol has done to my life so far (my understanding of inventory anyway).  I am powerless and lie to myself about how I could just have a couple of drinks, been there done that 1000 times.  But I'm still whitewashing over little shit over the years that because of booze got a fuckton worse.   So I'll be at the 5:30p again.  So off to do the work, work, work as they say (I dunno, didn't know half the chants, like a Catholic mass in there  )       

Also, as one guy said we have to laugh at the outset of the meeting.  But between some rather somber stories to start and the lack of lighting with the heavy rain outside...I thought "I don't know that any of this is funny."  By the end of the meeting, I had doubled over in laughter multiple times.  Some funny folks in there, that part helped.  One woman saying she knew about AA for years and knew it worked for others and wasn't some cult and the dude in my row winks like the History Channel "It's Aliens Man" dude and says, "It's not a cult, but it's totally a cult, man."  The laugh our row had put me at ease.  

Was a bit surprised by how many people had started and stopped the program multiple times, but I understood once I heard them out.  I'm going back to the 5:30p, that's all I can do right now.  And some heavy reading.  I wanted to go on a walk tonight with my wife and talk about the meeting but half the streets in my 'hood are closed for flooding.  Glad I went, going back.   

Edited August 23, 2022 by YGIFS

[BearSchlong 8139]

We are the best entertainment value, for sure. Glad you went.

[Celery Man 21027]

glad you made it, glad it sounds like it was an OK meeting. certainly normal for people to not achieve success their first time around, lots of people who bounce in and out. Stick around long enough you'll meet some people who bounce out for good and don't make it back in - that's the way it goes.

I laughed harder at rehab than maybe any other point in my life. I'm laughing right now remembering the moment the older crew was hanging out in the butt hut and there was an enormous surge of shouting from the "collegiates" in the nearby common building. The tweedy lawyer from notre dame/northwestern takes a drag of his american spirit and says "somebody dropped a cheeto". That movie 28 Days (not to be confused with the zombie movies) isn't a particularly great movie but was a highly accurate representation of that whole experience.

Chants... well there's of course the serenity prayer, which is great - "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. " There's that "keep coming back it works if you work it" thing. And there's the lords prayer - which, is a really good prayer, although I don't prefer it to close meetings just given how explicitly religious it is and how much of an obstacle people turn religion into.

[TwiceHorn 31686]

Glad you made it.  Quit fretting about step 4.  You ain't even started step work yet.  Classic alky.

[YGIFS 19453]

I knew the serenity prayers since Sunday school.  We didn't do the Lord's Prayer but some other kinda secular chant I didn't catch..  I got no problem with prayer in there and i my life in general.  There were just 2 or 3 other things at start and end that everybody knew on cue.  I can't even remember them now, but I know I'll pick it up.  If I can pick up a 2 hour Catholic mass, this is a piece of cake.  

I wouldn't know a bad meeting from a good one, but the group was very diverse and it just seemed to jive with me.  Nobody was overly pushy or zealous and the few I talked to personally were great listeners and already had experience and wisdom to share.  I guess you see enough folks come and go over the years, you can probably make a few insights.  I know everybody's journey is different and reason for addiction, and their bottoms, and the recover is different (their words, not mine).  But one guy reminded me, "It's all different, do it for you and your family.  But there's some shit you can't escape...no matter your life story...you're a carbon-based human addicted to alcohol who wants to quit and is powerless.  We all have the same start to the story, after that it's about you working on you."  But there were multiple folks in there with over ten years.  I'd say the median was a matter of months though.  Me and one other guy were first timers.  And then about a dozen folks over zoom who all seemed older (so presumably sober longer, I dunno).  

I am assuming the horrible weather kept attendance down.  They said it's usually 40-50 folks for that time spot.  I stuck around and helped with chairs.  Also, for all the "quit thinking and just go dude!"....one of y'all could have reminded me to bring a $1.  I don't drink coffee at night so I didn't know the donation halftime thing they do in the middle which is aside from coffee donations.  So of course I've got no cash on me since I didn't take the flooded out roads to do some light banking beforehand.  But guy next to me who was talking about using the lids of the airline bottles he was chugging in his car to scoop out and do bumps of coke with got me as a first-time.  I'll repay the favor along with other things.  Being really giving of time and effort and money has never been a problem for me.  I enjoy it. it's something I see right away in the fellowship of his meeting.  I think my problem may have had something to treating myself like shit, which leads to more drinking, which is why I'm going back.  Gotta work on me.  Thanks again. 

[BearSchlong 8139]

The chanters are the ones who have been to rehab, or just don’t know any better.

I don’t chant, except for maybe “We think not” and “God could and would if he were sought”

My advice is to go to as many different meetings as possible at different places and times during the day, every single meeting will have its own “personality.”

[Celery Man 21027]

First meeting is free.

[YGIFS 19453]

Yeah, we both chuckled after he said, "First one is free" right after a serious cocaine binge story by him.  Although, I never met a dealer who ever gave me the first one free.  Nancy Reagan lied to us!  What I missed out on for chants and pass the basket halftime, the group made up for in terminology and rhythyms.  To hear other people say out loud the words and turns of phrase and even the cadence that I would talk to myself about in my head was, for lack of a better term, really fucking cool.  I've talked to other friends in recovery in these kinds of terms and they get it, but to see/hear a whole room full of people do it.  Little cult like and kinda freaky at first, but made me feel better about being there at the end.  I knew they'd get me and I'd get them, but to hear it out loud one after one, felt so much productive than just saying the same three lines of bullshit to myself and my wife over and over again.  

I think on the weekends I'm gonna check out a different locale.  But this place is on every conceivable route by my house.  I gotta take that "Austin traffic is too crappy today" excuse outta my bullshit, and just hit up this place for the first few weeks.  But to y'all's point, I am gonna check out different times.  More than one person said the 5:30p is pretty consistently the same group (with obvious exceptions for travel and what-not.  I'm thinking the 9:00a or the lunchtime to mix it up for some days this week.  The 10:30p one is just too late, not overthinking it guys!  But many days I'm sober, I'm nodding off at 11:00p and I don't wanna be the asshole who is snoring in the back while somebody's telling us about their speed addiction so they could stay up and drink more. 

The other times are for women and teens, or as my coke-addicted buddy Patrick said, "We call those the Gaetz meetings."  Funny fucking guy.  But I liked this one, I smiled and cried the short drive home and couldn't wait to tell my wife all about it.  To talk about drinking with some kinda plan other than "And this time...I mean it" felt good.  Long ways to go though, I get it.  

[hornbri 1467]

12 hours ago, YGIFS said:

There were just 2 or 3 other things at start and end that everybody knew on cue.

I am going to guess these were at the end of reading the 12 steps and traditions and they were just saying the last line together. I was confused at first too. 

Glad you got something out of the meetings. Try different times of day, the meetings will have different “personalities”. I go to a 7:30am and it is a different group then the noon, or the 5:30 or even the 8pm meeting (although some of the group is the same). Find what works for you best.