I'm An Alcoholic

[YGIFS 19453]

Hornbri---Are you in Austin?  Those are my same meeting times (yes, I realize statistically speaking there is more than one place that offers those times for working folks).  Although I think the 8pm is for women or teens.  I'm gonna keep it same for next few days and then switch it up on Friday or the weekend. 

Plus I assume the size/dynamic will change once the monsoons stop?  I noticed everybody on zoom (there was 15+) was significantly older than those in the room.  Just stereotyping but old people don't like to drive in flash flood conditions.  And half of 'em raised their zoom hand accidentally or wanted to share but couldn't figure out the buttons.  I could obviously glean much from "the old timers" but I really liked the folks there in person and got a good vibe.  But I imagine the morning/noons are different and will try those next.  Meantime, hit the book a bit yesterday and more tonight. Woke up feeling powerless but grateful and not cranky this morning.  I suspect between the meeting, prayer, and having my last drops of alcohol from my Saturday out of my system helped a metric fuckton. 

 i won't ramble this much after my next meetings this week.  But it helps to have people to hold me to account, give pointers, and share their stories even online.  I got two buddies in recovery (FL and 1 here in town) that asked me to call them this morning and share what I learned yesterday (and presumably to make sure i went and will keep going).  So off to do that soon.  Thanks to y'all again.      

Edited August 23, 2022 by YGIFS

[UncleSonny 6618]

I don’t want to derail YGIFS discussion and this might not be the right place for this, but I’ve lurked on this thread enough to think y’all may have some helpful takes and I have a lot of respect for the regular posters on this thread. I’ll spoiler because it’s long, feel free to skip it:

Spoiler

One of my best friends texts me last week and says he’s backing out on an annual trip we have planned because he thinks he has a drinking problem and he needs help. Says I’m the first person he’s told. I’m surprised to an extent, but not completely shocked. Call him, he says it was not any one thing that happened but he just needs a change. I told him I love him, 100% support him, and to let me know how I can help. He says he hasn’t had a drink in a few days and is planning on going to his first meeting later that day. All good, we hang up.

Background on the friend, mid-30s, for sure drinks a lot, and when drinking tends to dabble in a little coke if it’s around and a lot of Adderall. His lifestyle is strange because he’s basically a trust fund kid. He’s never really had a consistent job, he basically cycles through starting different “businesses” that he gets bored with and enrolling and attending grad school for a new career that he doesn’t really follow through with. I’ve known him my whole life and he’s always been a flaky dude. He got married briefly and divorced a few years ago (no kids) and that relationship has been toxic since the divorce. They get back in touch with one another, give it another try because it’s different this time, it ends badly, and he tells me he’s blocked her number and will never speak to her again. This has literally happened like 5 times in 3 years. 

So anyway, I call him a few days ago to check in and he tells me that he hasn’t told me the whole story. He’s actually in Seattle (I assumed he was in Austin where he lives) at his exes' house, and she is the person that made him consider sobriety. Apparently, they talked after he had been on a bender and was hungover, and she let him know that she had been attending Al-Alon meetings and was worried he was going to drink himself to death. He made the decision to get sober after that call, jumped on a plane to go to her, and she has been attending meetings with him up there. 

I guess my concern is that I don’t really trust her to have his best interests at heart, and this seems like yet another manipulative move on her part. And to be clear, I’m completely supportive of him getting sober, but I’ve seen him flake out on things that are much easier than sobriety and I don’t like her involvement. 

I guess after typing all that shit out, I don’t even know what my question is exactly. There doesn’t seem to be much I can do really. The way she’s pushing him towards this feels off to me, but I of course don’t want to tell my friend who I’ve seen abuse alcohol that he shouldn’t be trying to get sober. I know they will have another falling out in the next few days or weeks though, and I’m nervous he’ll fall hard off the wagon at that point to a worse place than he started. 

I don’t know. Sorry for the long rambling post. The whole thing just has me feeling weird. 

 

[SydneyCarton 48297]

33 minutes ago, UncleSonny said:

I don’t want to derail YGIFS discussion and this might not be the right place for this, but I’ve lurked on this thread enough to think y’all may have some helpful takes and I have a lot of respect for the regular posters on this thread. I’ll spoiler because it’s long, feel free to skip it:

  Hide contents

One of my best friends texts me last week and says he’s backing out on an annual trip we have planned because he thinks he has a drinking problem and he needs help. Says I’m the first person he’s told. I’m surprised to an extent, but not completely shocked. Call him, he says it was not any one thing that happened but he just needs a change. I told him I love him, 100% support him, and to let me know how I can help. He says he hasn’t had a drink in a few days and is planning on going to his first meeting later that day. All good, we hang up.

Background on the friend, mid-30s, for sure drinks a lot, and when drinking tends to dabble in a little coke if it’s around and a lot of Adderall. His lifestyle is strange because he’s basically a trust fund kid. He’s never really had a consistent job, he basically cycles through starting different “businesses” that he gets bored with and enrolling and attending grad school for a new career that he doesn’t really follow through with. I’ve known him my whole life and he’s always been a flaky dude. He got married briefly and divorced a few years ago (no kids) and that relationship has been toxic since the divorce. They get back in touch with one another, give it another try because it’s different this time, it ends badly, and he tells me he’s blocked her number and will never speak to her again. This has literally happened like 5 times in 3 years. 

So anyway, I call him a few days ago to check in and he tells me that he hasn’t told me the whole story. He’s actually in Seattle (I assumed he was in Austin where he lives) at his exes' house, and she is the person that made him consider sobriety. Apparently, they talked after he had been on a bender and was hungover, and she let him know that she had been attending Al-Alon meetings and was worried he was going to drink himself to death. He made the decision to get sober after that call, jumped on a plane to go to her, and she has been attending meetings with him up there. 

I guess my concern is that I don’t really trust her to have his best interests at heart, and this seems like yet another manipulative move on her part. And to be clear, I’m completely supportive of him getting sober, but I’ve seen him flake out on things that are much easier than sobriety and I don’t like her involvement. 

I guess after typing all that shit out, I don’t even know what my question is exactly. There doesn’t seem to be much I can do really. The way she’s pushing him towards this feels off to me, but I of course don’t want to tell my friend who I’ve seen abuse alcohol that he shouldn’t be trying to get sober. I know they will have another falling out in the next few days or weeks though, and I’m nervous he’ll fall hard off the wagon at that point to a worse place than he started. 

I don’t know. Sorry for the long rambling post. The whole thing just has me feeling weird. 

 

Don't they tell addicts in recovery not to get into relationships? Not sure I'm going to put a high percentage of success on an initiative for sobriety started by re-igniting a repeatedly toxic relationship, and then trying to get sober in the prism of that relationship.

The first time they have a fight he'll go back to drinking just as a Fuck You to her, Id wager. But yeah, fingers crossed I guess. 

[YGIFS 19453]

58 minutes ago, UncleSonny said:

I don’t want to derail YGIFS discussion and this might not be the right place for this, but I’ve lurked on this thread enough to think y’all may have some helpful takes and I have a lot of respect for the regular posters on this thread. I’ll spoiler because it’s long, feel free to skip it:

  Hide contents

One of my best friends texts me last week and says he’s backing out on an annual trip we have planned because he thinks he has a drinking problem and he needs help. Says I’m the first person he’s told. I’m surprised to an extent, but not completely shocked. Call him, he says it was not any one thing that happened but he just needs a change. I told him I love him, 100% support him, and to let me know how I can help. He says he hasn’t had a drink in a few days and is planning on going to his first meeting later that day. All good, we hang up.

Background on the friend, mid-30s, for sure drinks a lot, and when drinking tends to dabble in a little coke if it’s around and a lot of Adderall. His lifestyle is strange because he’s basically a trust fund kid. He’s never really had a consistent job, he basically cycles through starting different “businesses” that he gets bored with and enrolling and attending grad school for a new career that he doesn’t really follow through with. I’ve known him my whole life and he’s always been a flaky dude. He got married briefly and divorced a few years ago (no kids) and that relationship has been toxic since the divorce. They get back in touch with one another, give it another try because it’s different this time, it ends badly, and he tells me he’s blocked her number and will never speak to her again. This has literally happened like 5 times in 3 years. 

So anyway, I call him a few days ago to check in and he tells me that he hasn’t told me the whole story. He’s actually in Seattle (I assumed he was in Austin where he lives) at his exes' house, and she is the person that made him consider sobriety. Apparently, they talked after he had been on a bender and was hungover, and she let him know that she had been attending Al-Alon meetings and was worried he was going to drink himself to death. He made the decision to get sober after that call, jumped on a plane to go to her, and she has been attending meetings with him up there. 

I guess my concern is that I don’t really trust her to have his best interests at heart, and this seems like yet another manipulative move on her part. And to be clear, I’m completely supportive of him getting sober, but I’ve seen him flake out on things that are much easier than sobriety and I don’t like her involvement. 

I guess after typing all that shit out, I don’t even know what my question is exactly. There doesn’t seem to be much I can do really. The way she’s pushing him towards this feels off to me, but I of course don’t want to tell my friend who I’ve seen abuse alcohol that he shouldn’t be trying to get sober. I know they will have another falling out in the next few days or weeks though, and I’m nervous he’ll fall hard off the wagon at that point to a worse place than he started. 

I don’t know. Sorry for the long rambling post. The whole thing just has me feeling weird. 

 

Please feel free to derail.  He's going through some serious shit.  If it was just the alcohol or just the toxic relationship, I'd tell you to stay out.  but you're absolutely right in at least having a modicum of concern for her not having his best interests at heart given the dynamics and history at play here.  There're far wiser folks on this thread so listen to what they have to say.  I'm guessing an AA dollar to donut that this has happened several times to people on this very thread.  

As for you personally, shit sandwich and you're the mustard.  But you know that.  You say something and their new "thing" works, you're the asshole who wasn't there for him even though sounds like you have been for many years.  You don't say something and their new "thing" works, you were not  supportive and too skeptical.  You don't say something and he falls back off hard, you're the asshole who wasn't there to be his single set of beach footprints.  The least shitty scenario is you say something and they make it work.  You're the asshole still, but he'll see the light down the road.  She'll always fucking despise you     But you'll know you did the right thing, he'll eventually accept it, and that's all that matters in this world and the one after it.  I've been around the block with my own shit and helping plenty of friends get through narcotics/pharma addiction and/or shitty relationships to know that eventually true friends "get it."  They see what you were trying to do.  Now the other half of those toxic relationships--------holy shit there's a Hulu series in that morass of shit if we all want to make a few bucks.  You're a good friend. . Don't lose sight of what means not only shared history with a good pal, but helping navigate the swamp ahead no matter the temporary cost to you. 

Edited August 23, 2022 by YGIFS

[hornbri 1464]

7 hours ago, YGIFS said:

Hornbri---Are you in Austin?  

Yep - I usually go to Northland. 

[YGIFS 19453]

Gotcha.  Going to Wallingwood in South Austin.  I kinda like the dedicated schedule and venue although being behind daycare pickup where my wife used to do speech therapy threw me off at first.

 

  Was just talking to a guy who used to go to that one, now he lives near me.  We were talking about me sticking with a meeting routine and got sidetracked on to not drinking at football games.  It’s a genuine worry of mine.   But by the end of the Longhorn talk, we are more worried about our team winning 8-9 games than we are about sobriety.  Ha.  How all we mighty have fallen.  

going back to a meeting here later.  Had a great chat with two friends in recovery as well today.  And lo and behold, reading and praying and attending, but two counselors with availability next week.  This is a weird ride and I’ve done drugs with Mick Jones. 
 

 

[BearSchlong 8136]

Don't they tell addicts in recovery not to get into relationships? Not sure I'm going to put a high percentage of success on an initiative for sobriety started by re-igniting a repeatedly toxic relationship, and then trying to get sober in the prism of that relationship.

The first time they have a fight he'll go back to drinking just as a Fuck You to her, Id wager. But yeah, fingers crossed I guess. 

Really
Exciting
Love
Affair
Turns
Into
Outrageous
Nightmare
Sobriety
Hangs
In
Peril

Relationship.

A tale as long as time itself. I tell my sponsees that I’m supposed to tell them to stay out of relationships for a year, but they’re gonna do what they want to do anyway. So instead, when they inevitably flame out, I ask them what they learned, and we have a little post mortem talk.

I tell the this is going to go one of two ways, it’s either going to be an enduring love affair for the ages, or it’s gonna be a painful disaster. Usually one extreme or the other.

I gotta say though, the fact that the lady is in Al Anon and using that approach to get him sober is at least somewhat clever, and might actually work. Or not. That’s some creative manipulation if that’s what it is.

Talking about Netflix, one of my sponsees was featured on a DIY/Discovery channel show, and the producers made him and his wife out to be like chip and Joanna. I mean, if I didn’t know them I would have thought “now that’s a couple that has their shit together, they are perfect. Take my money and renovate my house.”

They package that stuff perfectly. You’d never guess that the project took twice as long as planned because they would each disappear on benders, and my guy spent a week locked up and is on felony probation.

[pch 1261]

1 hour ago, BearSchlong said:

 

  You’d never guess that the project took twice as long as planned because they would each disappear on benders, and my guy spent a week locked up and is on felony probation.

So you're saying they aren't on Angie's list, huh?🤣

 

[BearSchlong 8136]

Well, thanks to good sponsorship, and a God he found in the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, I’d hire him now.

[YGIFS 19453]

Couldn't make the 5:30p yesterday as planned.  Was mad at myself for not going and called my buddy in recovery here in Austin.  We talked for a bit and I took his and this thread's advice.  Made some coffee so I wouldn't doze off during the zoom meeting and got my ass in a quiet place in the house and did the 10:30p hybrid on-line. 

Figured it was better than nothing.  Even shared a tiny bit.  And y'all were right, very different dynamic.  Probably a similar demographic spread (80% male, 25-75, diverse, some from my area, lots more time sober than my first one, some from around town, etc.).  Almost everybody talked about family/childhood/current dynamics with parents and siblings.  Totally different tack from my first meeting.  Obviously our past colors our current/never-ending problem of alcoholism.  I'm gonna go back to 5:30p tonight though I think.  And then I need to get some reading done as well.  

Woke up on only 5 1/2 hours of sleep and a bit cranky.  But it wasn't 'cause of liquor, I stuck around on the zoom call for a long time after and listened to the "after-chat" and didn't get to sleep until well past midnight.  Not the worst sleep problem to have for a change...

[YGIFS 19453]

Welp, always appreciated the anonymity of this thread but like Madison Cawthorn ratting out a cocaine orgy...some people just can't fucking help themselves.  Getting the real life emails, "Hey YGIFS...saw you're posting with alcohol problems under your new username."  Fucking twice today (one of which was a guy that doxxed me awhile back on the old board, other guy didn't really mean to just thought he was being cute).  So fuck it, I'm out. 

If some of y'all that I've bonded with on here can PM your contact info, would love to stay in touch.  literally just finished my third meeting in three days in a row just 30 minutes ago.  Kinda proud of myself.  Really appreciate the insight but one fucking douchebag after another on here, only a matter of time before I get doxxed out loud again.  Seriously appreciate you bruthas though.  I get other folks in the program aren't bound the rules, but I really leaned on this thread for months because it was always a tightly kept thread in terms of identity.  I don't give a shit if people come up to me at a tailgate and say shit but this fucking thing here, that we're going through is different.  Thanks again fellas in all honesty.  Keep in touch.  

Can't wait to see people finally figure out what my new username stood for (it's so goddamn obvious, it's painful) so I can get outed over and over again for only rejoining the board to talk about my problem.  Love you guys on this thread, the rest of this place can go fuck itself.   Rest of the board Immamac is lucky such a nice fucking guy...

[Kennythetiger 9496]

I’m sorry you are upset. Did you relapse, too?  
Once you get used to sobriety, you’ll see that the anonymity is kind of a pain in the ass, really. Kind of like putting the first dent in a new pickup- once you get that out of the way, you can relax and get some real work done. 

[YGIFS 19453]

No relapse.  Just a handful of folks who discovered who I am in real life who felt the need to reach out but not for sobriety purposes.  I can deal with being recognized at meetings right now.   I can deal with being recognized on here.  Just don't need fucking both right now.  Got shit to work on, don't need to deal with....."oooooo, see you're back and got an issue."  Just wanted to hang on here and chat and learn with y'all and talk about Led Zeppelin and cheers on other threads.  I can obviously handle message board chats but I've been outed multiple times before just for existing and my last request for board removal was actually work/income related...now I gotta be the alky asshole.  I can take it from this group but there are folks on here who don't give fuck one about anonymity.  

Let me put it simpler.  I like this thread.  This thread has helped me.  In real life.  I don't need the real life outing bullshit from a fucking football website.  I'll work the steps and the program but I don't care for certain bullshit on this site when people treat this particular safe space as a space to poke.  It's not gonna cause me to relapse, it's gonna make me torch the fucking site and that's not gonna help any of us.  

[Doug E. Fresh 452]

1 hour ago, YGIFS said:

No relapse.  Just a handful of folks who discovered who I am in real life who felt the need to reach out but not for sobriety purposes.  I can deal with being recognized at meetings right now.   I can deal with being recognized on here.  Just don't need fucking both right now.  Got shit to work on, don't need to deal with....."oooooo, see you're back and got an issue."  Just wanted to hang on here and chat and learn with y'all and talk about Led Zeppelin and cheers on other threads.  I can obviously handle message board chats but I've been outed multiple times before just for existing and my last request for board removal was actually work/income related...now I gotta be the alky asshole.  I can take it from this group but there are folks on here who don't give fuck one about anonymity.  

Let me put it simpler.  I like this thread.  This thread has helped me.  In real life.  I don't need the real life outing bullshit from a fucking football website.  I'll work the steps and the program but I don't care for certain bullshit on this site when people treat this particular safe space as a space to poke.  It's not gonna cause me to relapse, it's gonna make me torch the fucking site and that's not gonna help any of us.  

If you like this thread and it is helping you, don’t let a couple people run you off. Play the long game.

[YGIFS 19453]

appreciate the encouragement.  Talking to a guy fromm the 5:30p zoom I did shortly.  Gonna do the 10:30p again tomorrow.  Just wanted to bitch and moan and let some of y'all know that I respect the journeys of...that if I disappear...I can take take doxxing in real life and I can take doxxing online but this is just not a good time to do both.  So not to be a high-maintenance cat, but I'll try to check in tomorrow after the 10:30p online and then the 5:30p in-person on Friday.  If anybody wants to PM/email me, much appreciated.  If not, I get it.  We'll talk another way.  Thank you guys for pushing me.  

[BearSchlong 8136]

Stop being a bitch and focus on the priority. Block/ignore anyone who isn’t useful to your recovery.

You are an egomaniac. But hey, I spot it because I got it.

Get a sponsor, someone who can be objective and honest. You can be friends later.

[YGIFS 19453]

Got it dude.  Went to two meetings yesterday.  I just don’t need being publicly outed.  Last I checked in the big book, it’s okay not wanting to be identified online.  Oh wait, last edition was 2001 when it wasn’t a problem.  Few sponsors reached out this week and I’m working.  I might be a bitch but the Cunts are all around me.  All I said is I should leave the site.  Being on a message board isn’t a step so be ice barBara.   
 

Side note—-the 10:30 meetings seem to be all about parents.  Is that usually the case?   

[Jerry Callo 8829]

55 minutes ago, YGIFS said:

Got it dude.  Went to two meetings yesterday.  I just don’t need being publicly outed.  Last I checked in the big book, it’s okay not wanting to be identified online.  Oh wait, last edition was 2001 when it wasn’t a problem.  Few sponsors reached out this week and I’m working.  I might be a bitch but the Cunts are all around me.  All I said is I should leave the site.  Being on a message board isn’t a step so be ice barBara.   
 

Side note—-the 10:30 meetings seem to be all about parents.  Is that usually the case?   

Good luck to you.  I've been mainly watching for the last week and I'm so glad to see that you are diving into the meetings.  Lean on those people now.

[YGIFS 19453]

Thanks brother.  4 in my first week, not done yet by a sight.  But kinda proud of that.  Doing 10:30p again tonight and 5:30p in person Friday in lieu of happy hour.  Haven't had as much time to read the book as I'd like.  But weekend will be here soon and I'll work that.  Wife is really proud of me which gives me a pep in my step.  Booked a clinical appointment finally.  And we're doing family yoga on Saturday.  Need to connect with a sponsor, just wanted to connect with everybody for a week and have them know me.  But most folks have been great. 

Only bummer is my old, old friend from Florida.....know the guy almost 30 years.  He was literally the first guy I reached out to because I knew he went through some serious shit a few years back and was a rock for other friends of ours going through shit.  We talked almost daily since my shitty binge in early July.  He has been fantastic.  I called him a couple times to tell him about my meetings and readings and development.  And I didn't hear from him for the last 6 days.  I got really worried about him.  Sure as shit, he left me a VM yesterday.  He relapsed.  And apparently hard.  He's in a medical facility right now.  Helping me, I know, has helped him.  So I want to be there for him.  But man...like what's his name in "Anchorman" when he gets his arm chopped off, "I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING!"  

Thanks guys.  Again, if I drop off here...PM me.  I have embarrassment but it's mainly because I don't need people in real life right now that think this is amusing.  I know it happens, but I have a tendency to ruin people's lives for sport and that's not healthy.  It's the second worst thing I do after drinking.  but seriously.......thank y'all.  This has been a super helpful tool.  Will check in tomorrow after my latenight meeting.  

[hornbri 1464]

48 minutes ago, YGIFS said:

I have a tendency to ruin people's lives for sport and that's not healthy.  It's the second worst thing I do after drinking.  

I bet you figure out these are tied together, and as you start to get away from drinking your thinking evolves in you no longer have that tendency

Good luck man. Like others have said take the parts that help you and leave the rest behind. 

[YGIFS 19453]

Yeah, they are tied together.  Only difference is I get paid to crush people who’ve wronged our portfolio companies, while drinking cost me a shitload of cash.  I wonder if I’ll still be as effective a fixer/mercenary when I’m a few months sober?  The brain fog is just now starting to lift so I need to think on what I’ll do next (for work).
 

i think I was so effective at lashing out at other people so I could vent and not bring that drunken anger home with me.  But I recognize I need to stop before I become that guy at home too.  Don’t get wrong, I yell and get terse with the family.  But no violence, no insults, very little cursing, no breaking shit; no falling over.  I know I still exhibited symptoms in front of them and the oldest isn’t naive anymore.  She knew daddy came home ‘different’ sometimes.  So beyond time to nip in the bud.  
 

I am gonna miss that awkward moment though when the guy across the table thinks we are out pounding drinks to celebrate something.  And I slide over a printout of something he’s done unethically and I get to watch his face sink as I chug the rest of my drink.  That’s a potent cocktail of emotions that’s hArd to kick.  Yep, they are intertwined.   Thanks for pointing that out.  I’ll share thst this week.  

[Celery Man 21026]

 

[YGIFS 19453]

Did another night meeting last night via zoom.  I kinda already miss in-person.  Gonna go at 5:30p, maybe even the lunch one in person.  Have a counselor telehealth deal this afternoon as well.  Up early so I can volunteer at oldest's elementary school for traffic dropoff and not think about alcohol for a few hours.  Need to find some time to read more this weekend.  Starting to feel a little bit better overall.  Not good, but better.  I've said it.  Y'all have said it.  This is just.plain.fucking.weird.  Not good, bad, or indifferent, but fucking weird.  and I do weird for a living.  

Alright, doing the serenity prayer, posting some movie quotes, and jumping in the shower.  See y'all in a bit.  

 

[Reagan1k 3026]

@YGIFS  Happy to see you keep coming back and are hitting all of those meetings.  The one thing you can always take away from a meeting is hope.  Being in a room with or on an internet feed with multiple sober alcoholics is a miracle in itself.  We drink no matter what, and to have a gathering of us who've had a power come into our lives that relieved us from that is a miracle.  There is hope in just seeing that; knowing it is there for us too if we do the whole deal.

Grace is something I believe falls evenly around each of us.  Our job is embrace that grace.  God will provide the shovel if I'm willing to dig.

Early sobriety is weird when all I've know is being drunk or planning on being drunk.  Even when temporarily sober there was relief in knowing the next drink was minutes/hours away. 

Once you get used to that feeling of sobriety and start to experience the promises / benefits of it, the thought of being drunk becomes troubling.  The tables will eventually turn for you too.

What you're feeling now is life, and all the emotions that come with it.  It's always been there, but I have to learn how to have those emotions and experiences without filtering them through the drink. 

It's riding a bike without training wheels for the first time.  I wobble and wreck and cry and skin my knee, but if I keep doing it, I eventually gain some balance on my own instead of using alcohol as my training wheels and soon I'm more comfortable riding that bike.

Godspeed.  Keep doing and growing and experiencing.

[BearSchlong 8136]

Did another night meeting last night via zoom.  I kinda already miss in-person.  Gonna go at 5:30p, maybe even the lunch one in person.  Have a counselor telehealth deal this afternoon as well.  Up early so I can volunteer at oldest's elementary school for traffic dropoff and not think about alcohol for a few hours.  Need to find some time to read more this weekend.  Starting to feel a little bit better overall.  Not good, but better.  I've said it.  Y'all have said it.  This is just.plain.fucking.weird.  Not good, bad, or indifferent, but fucking weird.  and I do weird for a living.  
Alright, doing the serenity prayer, posting some movie quotes, and jumping in the shower.  See y'all in a bit.  
 

Mornings were weird at first, and a little terrifying.

It became a game of going to meetings at noon and evening while not going crazy or drinking in the intervals.

[RockyMountainHighHorn 896]

These are all things that you plant in your mind unknowingly that are addiction slowly sliding his way back in. Yes it’s weird, and weird can sadly escalate to uncomfortably which puts ever addict in danger. It’s supposed to be hard, awkward, etc. but when I heard the guy before say he may not need it, thinks he can white knuckle it definitely raised the blood pressure. I know everyone is different but I have rarely seen anyone on the fence truly succeed. Yes you can not take a drink or hit but are you really happy? Is that success? Success is happiness and content with some self confidence in there. Always scares me when people come in with plans of their own when AA wants it the exact other way. I hope people become aware of that, it took me a few years and I still continue struggle with it at times. I did my current first year in the groups and connected but a few months back I thought I could take a few meetings off and I got back into a dangerous state. I can’t run the show but I sometimes try to and when I do I can feel the scales start to tip the wrong way. Sometimes you just have to let go, do what you’re told and know things get better. But please don’t tell me you’ve spent years tearing down your life but you don’t need help from others or don’t need to listen to what others have had success with.

[YGIFS 19453]

Yeah, I think I'm gonna go at noon.  If I feel even stranger later today in my usual Friday routines...I can always Zoom in 5:30 or 10:30p  But gonna go in person for midday meeting, never done it but I'm sure it's what I need.  And then telehealth call right after that.  Volunteered this morning and did a long walk with wife and little one and talked the spouse about my experience this week.  it's funny because she's been through the ringer with me and is proud of me and so loving and supportive.  But she just asks the most bizarre questions about my meetings and the book.  And I just have to laugh like, "You don't get it.  At all.  And that's actually why I love you and need you even more.  Because this whole attempt at recovery is so foreign to me.  And it's just absolutely sublimely bizarre to you.  I actually value and embrace your disconnect to it all.  Because I now have a network of people who are mostly unknown to me that totally get it, this is the other piece I was missing this whole time in attempts at recovery.  Rooms and voicemail boxes full of weirdoes that totally get it and get me.  You get me in a whole other way, and now I have a fighting chance at recovery."  /csb

[RockyMountainHighHorn 896]

I know I could have edited the post above but thought I’d share, today is 1 year 8 months sober from pain killers, fentanyl/heroin-my longest time ever in a decade-have had a couple 11 months but never over a year. Been struggling the past couple of months with bad anxiety, why I ultimately started using in the first place-made pain and anxiety go away with some euphoria(the perfect mix for those ailments). Trying to figure that out but luckily I haven’t met anyone around me that’s a plug which makes things a lot easier-people, places, and things is so true. It’s great because the harder it is to find something (I know I could but it’d take time) the easiest it is because you give up from frustration. Long story short, there’s so many options for people if you struggle with anxiety or depression-ketamine therapy, magnet therapy, etc, just takes time to see what works and I’m in that now. Definitely not easy but hey creeping closer to 2 years! Tis all! Much love to those succeeding and struggling today

[RockyMountainHighHorn 896]

@YGIFS so you haven’t gone to an in person meeting yet but today you might for the first time? Can I challenge/urge you to not only introduce yourself proudly but I urge you to share. I know you want to go and feel it out, everyone does. But try to share, my first meeting was in front of 500 successful men with years of life and sobriety success. As I stood at the mic shaking (it is much easier in a group of 15 to share), and I’m pretty comfortable talking in front of people but not this, this felt like speaking to the world but I got so many high fives, fist bumps, good jobs that the very next meeting in front of 2500 rich LA people, i froze but ended up getting stuff out and the same thing happened-it doesn’t matter what you say, it’s that you do it and after yeah you might be shaking but the thought of connecting with one person who might no go use or drink after because of what you said is a very amazing feeling. I know these are long but long story short, SHARE! Can be 15 seconds can be 2 minutes. I’ve heard people say “I hate this, wish I was using” get standing ovations because that’s true honesty and now people know. So just like Nike-just fucking do it 

[YGIFS 19453]

Been to two in-person, the rest on Zoom.  Not cured, but I gotta at least acknowledge that in my first 4 days of meetings, I've done 5...that's not nuthin'.   I meant this is my first time attending (either way) the noon meeting at my "AA House" around the corner.  Good advice I got from this thread and from 2 friends in the program I meet with regularly was to try different times/venues.  So I am.

.  I've shared a little bit here and there but never remotely close to the 3-minute allotment.  Almost to a person, everybody has been totally cool with my desire to "listen and learn" the first week.  And I've stuck around afterwards (both online and parking lot) to disclose more with folks 1:1.  Even got my first chip and said a few words infront of the room.  I'll get there, just do damn relieving to just be around people (in real life, on the phone, on zoom) that just get it/get me/get the shit.  I got so much fucking work to do but for the first time in a long time, I have a path and supporters along that path.  

But yeah, I need to share more.  I'm not opposed to it.  Drunk, sober, AA, lecturing, or a political rally...I just don't like talking in public.  Period.  But I know this is different so I gotta work at that in addition to working my issue.  Had two different counselors this week for initial consults...one told me basically, "Okay, thanks for all that.  Sorry to cut you off but you've been talking the entire 15 minute initial consult I give to potential patients." and had another one tell me, "Okay, if you're not gonna say anything...I can't help you.  I get that you don't like talking about yourself and have anxiety about conversations but that's the only way this thing works."  So yeah, I'm fucked up     

[YGIFS 19453]

Missed the noon  meeting because got caught in a long conversation with my buddy in Florida.  He was one of my first calls when I started trying to honestly quit in July.  He fell off earlier this month.   And bad.  We had a really good back and forth today.  I learned from Him and he from me.  Neither of us is remotely qualified to hand out substance abuse advice.  But it was a cathartic chat all around.  
 

so I missed the noon meeting, but for good reason.  I’m gonna do 5:30 or 8:00p come hell or high water.  I don’t post here by midnight, somebody call me out on my bullshit.  I welcome the accountability.  
 

also, I’m super hungry 

Edited August 26, 2022 by YGIFS

[Celery Man 21026]

Get your ass to the 5:30 dude

[YGIFS 19453]

I'm playing with the kids right now.  I'm doing the 8:00p.  I hurt some CR pussy's hearts?  I think we'll all fucking live to fight another day.  You're tough, you'll bounce back.

Another note---anybody know anything about Ranch House Recovery?  Not a Brady Bunch joke, but a very good friend who has truly been there for me the last few months as I've attempted recovery...he's from Florida but wants to come to Texas to do a farm-work-rehab deal.  He found, I know nothing about it.  He wants to spent 60 days there or so and wants near Austin because his wife's family is in Houston and she can fly in/out and see them and visit him as the program allows.  He called me twice today about it and I just don't know jackshit about the facilities around here.  Or if you have any knowledge/experience with any other farm/dryout places, please let me know so I can pass it along.  He's several years sober but fell off earlier this month.  He's been a rock for me, talked about him earlier.  But he's got about 6 more days in this inpatient care place in Florida and he wants to do something different and likely in Texas to get out of his element.  And I want to help him.  

[Celery Man 21026]

I don’t know about farm work whatever but La Hacienda in Hunt is a great place.

[YGIFS 19453]

Yeah, me neither.  I talked to him twice today for an aggregate of 90 minutes and I cannot remember that term he kept calling it.  But I get the concept, like Farm-Recovery Ranch or some shit.  You'd think we'd know that in Texas as alcoholics.  But it was great chats.  He's in a tough spot, I'm a tough spot.  But talking to me helped him, and I think even sharing my shit gave him a bit of a lift since he's literally confined to a place full time with limited phone time.  But he wants to get outta Florida and do a couple months where his wife can conveniently visit him so Austin/Houston/Elgin/Hill Country is a good fit.  I'm just trying to help him a bit since it will be good for me as well.  I'm guessing we have lots of places like this but I don't know one thing from the other except google.  Figured we got some folks on here who know a thing or two about those places.  I'll get some specifics from him and start a separate post.  But will look at La Hacienda in the meantime, thank you sir.  

[Celery Man 21026]

I’m trying to remember if anyone was there kinda long term when I spent my thirty days there getting my head reassembled. He may be looking for something different than a treatment center though. I bet there’s something like that in the Kerrville area though. Probably something in South Texas too, I feel like someone I knew spent a few months down near South Padre.

a buddy spent some time at Texas Star on Dittmar, although… is that even still there? 

ok so you’re hanging out with your kids right now. Likewise - I’ve got a 16 month old right here who is pulling every book off her shelf.  You otherwise doing ok? You’re all over the place on the board, not exactly keeping it close to the vest about your former identity here - are you just kinda… feeling a bit out there? Or reeling a bit from whatever weird things have happened to you today? I’m not sure if you’ve kept up with this thread long enough for me to talk about how much I love the serenity prayer - control the controllables dude, let go of everything else.

[YGIFS 19453]

I get outed by other people, just rolling with it.  The political shit got prompted by a threatening VM I got his morning because yet another way of dealing with sobriety has been to call into friends in politics and let 'em know that I'm deeply tempted to out their bullshit (drugs, women, crimes, etc.).  I make a couple of poor-taste posts about Trumpers and get blown up on neg rep.  I'm actively working my shit and somebody gives me 5 neg reps they think they're the fucking hero of Texas.  Fuck this limp-wristed half-measure bullshit.  I'm working the program.  I didn't insert the political shit into this particular thread.  You did.  Own your shit or shut the fuck up.  I didn't insert CR shit into this thread, we fucking clear asshole?  I'll be at the 8:00p.  I appreciate your insight when it comes to AA, otherwise I didn't conflate the threads....your ass did.

Edited August 26, 2022 by YGIFS

[Celery Man 21026]

Hey man, you’re getting twisted here - reading me entirely wrong. I’m not talking about that in the context of political stuff, I’m talking about that in the context of sobriety stuff. It seems like you’re trying to fight the board - to be clear, I don’t care about that and if that’s just a thing you want to do, go sick I guess. Through the internet, it smells like you might not be OK and I do care about that.

I haven’t engaged with you on the other thread(s). For sobriety I should probably work on some of my own serenity and empathy stuff with politics, but I don’t cross that with this thread and never have, and that’s not what I’m doing here. But I feel you, I can see how you’d get me wrong and I apologize for not being sufficiently clear about what I’m asking.

but I don’t believe you that you’re fine right now. Get to that meeting tonight. Maybe I’m wrong and an asshole, but do that.

Edited August 26, 2022 by Celery Man

[YGIFS 19453]

You specifically starting pinging me on another thread and this one after I had my diatribe about that former CuntPOTUS.  or it's just a fucking coincidence?  I doubt that.  I really do appreciate your support and insight brother.  I got my meeting in an hour.  I got work to do.  I was threatened earlier by some political hacks.  I did not draw the line from CR to here.  that's not my anger or my addiction or my bullshit.  That's a fact.  you fucking did.  Own it or shut the fuck up.  

[Celery Man 21026]

I don’t follow. I participate in all manner of threads but don’t believe I… repped quoted or referred to any of your posts in the other thread since at least early afternoon. I also super duper don’t care and have no bones to pick with you about any of that, it just made my sober sense tingle. But I’ll get out of your way.

Edited August 27, 2022 by Celery Man

[YGIFS 19453]

Gotcha.  Just a conflation of threads and shit today. And some real weird shit in real life.  In all transparency, I'm doing the work.  Appreciate your insight.  And am doing better.  Thanks brother...

[Macanudo 13083]

Dropped off one of the Macanudo-ettes at a concert in downtown.   I live 30+ miles away so it seems kind of silly to drive back home only to come back in 2-3 hours.

Does anyone know how hard it is for a solo person to find a restaurant that's not too frou-frou/expensive or basically a pub?   Old me would have headed over to a whiskey bar and had a liquid dinner.

I ended up at fucking Freebirds.   Now I'm sitting in a coffee shop which is at least comfortable and way more what I was wanting.   I'll hang here until it's about time to head back over to the venue. 

But hot damn if going to a bar and knocking back a few wasn't on my mind an hour ago.

[YGIFS 19453]

Hope your evening went well man.  Seriously.  I’m awake as per usual these days middle of the night laughing.   Gonna read the big Book until I fall back asleep.  Anybody ever wants to meet late night in Austin for coffee, please let me know.  God bless us.  

[YGIFS 19453]

Six meetings in six days.  Doing better physically.  Made two appointments on Friday for next month for another workup and one for counseling.  Need to be reading more though.  More good chats this weekend with longtime friends in recovery.  And fuckton of exercise and chores.

Confessed a few things to some posters on other threads.   Then politely asked to drop it and keep my shit about our mutual issues over here.    All were cool with it except two that feel anything posted on here is fair game for rest of board.  Not my call but Id like to work out where i can access this thread and leave the other shit where I found it.  
 

thanks again for support, experience, and accountability.  Tomorrow is another Monday.  Maybe I can make it through with shaking so much.  

[TwiceHorn 31679]

That's a good start.  For reading, try the stories in the back half of the book.  They're pretty entertaining and can be informative.  You'll identify with bits of all of them, but try to figure out which one you identify with best.  There's about a 50% chance or better that your first sponsor will ask you to do this and it does kind of help identify what your major issues as an alky may be.

[YGIFS 19453]

Yeah, the little I've read of the "back half" has been helpful.  The prose has a better flow to it as well.  But obviously, I'm not getting into the program to be a better reader.  Anyway, should leave the board soon since apparently this is all fair game for public consumption.  Shoulda known.  But gonna ping some of y'all my contact info if you wanna keep in touch.  Thanks again so much for getting me outta the dugout and into the game.  So much support has come outta the woodwork from real life, online, the program, the universe/higher powers, et. al.  

[JohnnyRage 1617]

Micro Problems.

I don't have Micro Problems.

[YGIFS 19453]

Well said.  Just didn't realize how many big fucking mouths there are in Austin.  so many more helpful people though.  Just didn't want so much flowing back to the wife and folks I work with.  Hasn't happened yet but the six degrees of bacon are closing in, everybody got be cute.  

But that's beyond me.  

Restored my oldest smoker of the three this past week.  So I could sell it, just taking up room in the garage where all the kids' shit is now.  That fucking smell, put on a porkloin just for a couple hours for old time's sake before I sell it next week (so it'd have that authentic odor for the buyer---not talking about my stench   )  Just finished couple hours ago and ate dinner.  Man, I've always been a nostalgia freak for smells.  They say it's the closest thing tied to memory of your senses.  And this particular smoker has a certain smell that reminds me of when I got it and would do long 12-18 hour smokes and just drink all fucking day.  And it brought all that back.  Probably helps I don't have any beer or bourbon in the house because I probably would have crumbled but I coulda gone out for "more wood chips" and gotten some beers and had 'em quietly while I cooked and cleaned the thing.  But I didn't.  

Macro problems.  Micro victories.  I had one.  You couldn't see it or hear it, but you could smell it.  

[Homercles 10206]

2 hours ago, YGIFS said:

Yeah, the little I've read of the "back half" has been helpful.  The prose has a better flow to it as well.  But obviously, I'm not getting into the program to be a better reader.  Anyway, should leave the board soon since apparently this is all fair game for public consumption.  Shoulda known.  But gonna ping some of y'all my contact info if you wanna keep in touch.  Thanks again so much for getting me outta the dugout and into the game.  So much support has come outta the woodwork from real life, online, the program, the universe/higher powers, et. al.  

Sorry but I’m going to chime in here.  I don’t want to see you leave, for whatever that’s worth.  

Hopefully I’m not tarnishing this thread:

If I was one of the two you were referring to, let me be clear I ‘outed’ you because you were posting long, aggressive, excessively manic posts in the CR…some with no clear point at all.  Often that’s troll behavior, combined with new account + low posts = worried you’d get neg bombed.  I wanted to point out you were going through serious shit so people wouldn’t pile on.

I’ve had my own struggles with alcohol, and only by the grace of god and my own awareness of my weaknesses will I avoid going back.  I damaged my marriage at one point, needed therapy and probably bothered the fuck out of Twice with PMs.  Pretty sure I’m not an alcoholic and managed to find a calm comfortable peace without AA, but I still have sympathy like mad for you.  
 

Don’t let imaginary drama on a message board of assholes fuck with your recovery one bit.  Your posting style in CR mimicked what got Schlong to opine you weren’t out the other side yet, and Rage to say ‘micro problems’…maybe deeply consider those two thoughts, focus on your recovery and let everything else go down a peg.  Your posting history later today seemed to reflect you making progress there, don’t jump back now.
 

Anyways please pardon my off topic rant here.  I haven’t completely quit drinking but some kind of lightbulb went off for me early this year, and my life has become much more manageable through sheer focus on only what really matters…alcohol and what non-family thinks of me don’t occupy my mind at all.  
 

Hope you can get well.  

[YGIFS 19453]

Thanks man