I'm An Alcoholic

[YGIFS 19452]

Not for nothing.  My first NCAA tourney and SXSW and Austin Rodeo trying to go sans booze.  But as we've discussed, the weird thing is I can do better at events with open bar than I can at home alone or office with liquor store nearby.   God bless 

[Jerry Callo 8710]

13 hours ago, YGIFS said:

Not for nothing.  My first NCAA tourney and SXSW and Austin Rodeo trying to go sans booze.  But as we've discussed, the weird thing is I can do better at events with open bar than I can at home alone or office with liquor store nearby.   God bless 

For me, the difference is drinking to enhance an experience (football games, concerts, etc.) verses drinking to escape (work issues, relationship issues, etc.).  Once I quit drinking, I learned fairly quickly that I didn't need alcohol to enhance already enjoyable experiences.  The urges always came after a bad day at work, me getting pissed off at something the wife had done, and the like. 

[YGIFS 19452]

Yeah, I’m noticing that if I’m something fun and/or with family…even with flowing booze…I can maintain.  It was never about the event or venue.  It’s about my shit.  It’s alone time at work that still prods me.  
 

im a little worried about a sponsor of mine.  Old friend from college in Florida.  He’s in Seattle now.  Helped me out a lot early on. I called him earlier this week and haven’t heard a peep in several days .  He never does that.  Ever.  Not sure what I should do to check in on him.  I know he’d wonder the same about me.  He moved up there to voluntarily check in to a group home after a bad relapse.  Wife hung back in Florida while he worked his shit.  He had a brother up that way.  Got a new job and moved out on his own.  Was doing well and we talked regularly.  But this last 7-10 days, just silence.  I don’t want to raise red flags to his brother or wife though.  We have many mutual friends but I also don’t want to call attention to him that way either.  Any Recs?

[Kennythetiger 9416]

Call him again 

[BearSchlong 8106]

Raise the flags. Never apologize for being concerned, but phrase it in such a way that you’re asking for help. “Hey, I have something I really need your/his input on”

But be prepared that when alcoholics go off grid, they’re just being alcoholics. Isolation is the center of the bingo card.

[YGIFS 19452]

Yeah, I get it.  He's just so far away, I can't just pop in on him.  And his brother is in Seattle with him but I don't want to freak him out unncessarily.  I know he's been burning the candle at the new job, but it's a state job so I know he's got today off.  So I'm gonna try him in a couple hours when it's morning out there.  

[Homercles 10206]

On 3/17/2023 at 7:47 AM, Jerry Callo said:

For me, the difference is drinking to enhance an experience (football games, concerts, etc.) verses drinking to escape (work issues, relationship issues, etc.).  Once I quit drinking, I learned fairly quickly that I didn't need alcohol to enhance already enjoyable experiences.  The urges always came after a bad day at work, me getting pissed off at something the wife had done, and the like. 

Holy shit thank you!  Drinking to enhance vs drinking to escape.  I like that.  I never had a problem with the former, but nearly sunk myself with the latter.  Looking back it was all stressors…grad school, tough baby, associated marriage stress.  Imagine that drinking made it worse…what a concept.  
 

On a related note, we just visited some family who have been through the wringer with the husband suffering a few years under leukemia before a transplant last year permanently ended it.  His wife looked rough, understandably, but I instantly recognized myself from 3+ years back…the chubby, pimpled, reddish blotted face of someone who drank daily (or close to it).  

[Kennythetiger 9416]

4 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

Raise the flags. Never apologize for being concerned, but phrase it in such a way that you’re asking for help. “Hey, I have something I really need your/his input on”

But be prepared that when alcoholics go off grid, they’re just being alcoholics. Isolation is the center of the bingo card.

Covid would have been a dream come true for me. And may have killed me. 

[BearSchlong 8106]

It took a concerted effort to play AA zoom tourist to make meetings during Covid. I was in a few international groups for a while (the Aussies are RAW, with respect to language and recovery) but eventually I would hypothetically pretend I was moving to a neighborhood in Chicago or NYC and find a strong AA group then consistently attend their meetings.

Especially when I was suffering from Covid. I would make a few zoom meetings daily just to stay connected.

No substitute for the real thing, though.

I told my story up at a group in east Texas last night and it was wonderful. It might have been awful and discombobulating for them, but it gave me a chance to speak honestly about my disease. If you have been sober for a reasonable period, there is nothing so therapeutic as telling what it was like, what happened, and what it is like now.

Went to my usual Saturday morning meeting today at the the most “urban and diverse” meeting in town and then had lunch with a sponsee and some friends.

The treatment center girls were there, talking about how it was their Nth time in rehab and whether or not they were actually alcoholic or not and I just quietly thought to myself that the greatest event in my life was almost dying drunk. So glad it’s settled science, for me personally.

Onward and upward.

[Jerry Callo 8710]

On 3/18/2023 at 9:59 AM, Homercles said:

Drinking to enhance vs drinking to escape.  I like that.  I never had a problem with the former, but nearly sunk myself with the latter.

Just to be clear.  My enhancing was equally problematic.  I tended to enhance, enhance, enhance . . . 

Now that I'm sober, the only real triggers come from the escape side.

[BearSchlong 8106]

Escape? My disease is like being the play caller on a football team that punts on 1st down. Fuck everything and run. But really it’s forgetting everything is alright.

Any good meetings up in the round rock area?

I’ll probably go to Northland tomorrow or Thursday night if anyone wants to grab a bite. I’m in town entertaining clients but only for lunch and the golf tournament.

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

Chocolate chips in a rocks glass says a lot. 

Edited March 26, 2023 by BBQ2Bayou
N

[hullabelew 3724]

On 3/25/2023 at 11:09 PM, BBQ2Bayou said:

Chocolate chips in a rocks glass says a lot. 

If you know, you know.  

[closetohumping 17455]

On 3/21/2023 at 6:14 AM, Jerry Callo said:

Just to be clear.  My enhancing was equally problematic.  I tended to enhance, enhance, enhance . . . 

Now that I'm sober, the only real triggers come from the escape side.

Escape, reward, decompress, courage, comraderie.  I've used all.  Gonna see if I can string together five days.  If not, I may have a problem.

[hullabelew 3724]

On 3/21/2023 at 9:14 AM, Jerry Callo said:

Just to be clear.  My enhancing was equally problematic.  I tended to enhance, enhance, enhance . . . 

Now that I'm sober, the only real triggers come from the escape side.

@Jerry Callo Man...I've never been able to express this, but you just hit the nail on the head for me.   We were on a two week trip recently with free beer and wine at the hotels.  Never really wanted a drink at all until my wife started bitching about whatever she was bitching about that day...then I just wanted to go to the bar and disappear.  

[Reagan1k 3024]

9 hours ago, closetohumping said:

Escape, reward, decompress, courage, comraderie.  I've used all.  Gonna see if I can string together five days.  If not, I may have a problem.

YMMV, but for me, it isn't just the number of days, but it's the quality of those days.  Granted, before I walked into the rooms it had been some years since I even tried to have a dry day.  But, when I would try way-back-when, I would be so miserable to be around, most people wanted me to drink.   That's the rub.  Can I stop and stay stopped without losing my mind?  I couldn't without help.  My periods of being dry while being even remotely pleasant (to others and to myself) became shorter and shorter, until they became only hours and then minutes.

 

7 hours ago, hullabelew said:

@Jerry Callo Man...I've never been able to express this, but you just hit the nail on the head for me.   We were on a two week trip recently with free beer and wine at the hotels.  Never really wanted a drink at all until my wife started bitching about whatever she was bitching about that day...then I just wanted to go to the bar and disappear. 

Disappearing was nice, but at the end all I wanted was to have the volume turned down a little.  The returns began to diminish.  Escaping was no longer possible when the magic that a drink held began to fade.  I was settling for simply a lower level of misery and then it quit working all together.  I was miserable sober and I was miserable drunk.

Exactly like the book says - "Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end."

[closetohumping 17455]

22 minutes ago, Reagan1k said:

YMMV, but for me, it isn't just the number of days, but it's the quality of those days.  Granted, before I walked into the rooms it had been some years since I even tried to have a dry day.  But, when I would try way-back-when, I would be so miserable to be around, most people wanted me to drink.   That's the rub.  Can I stop and stay stopped without losing my mind?  I couldn't without help.  My periods of being dry while being even remotely pleasant (to others and to myself) became shorter and shorter, until they became only hours and then minutes.

 

Disappearing was nice, but at the end all I wanted was to have the volume turned down a little.  The returns began to diminish.  Escaping was no longer possible when the magic that a drink held began to fade.  I was settling for simply a lower level of misery and then it quit working all together.  I was miserable sober and I was miserable drunk.

Exactly like the book says - "Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end."

Sounds like a drug, doesn't it?

[UpperWestside 6179]

I work in a place where the use of alcohol among the guys that work at night is fairly high. They are the younger guys and still look at getting wasted as a good time. One of the young guys is from Texas and he’s 20. He is an exceedingly nice guy and he battled being addicted to anxiety medication.
 

I sat with him today on the train while he was on his way to school in Brooklyn to talk to him. He opened up because he trusts me. One of the issues he has is saying no. Last night another of the younger guys got him to go out and drink. He said they were only supposed to eat, but that turned into spending 40 on four beers. I just asked him if doing things like that are worth hurting your future? Do you need the validation of going out with these “friends” or should you perhaps focus on bettering yourself and finding friends who won’t take you down a path that ends in ruin? I think that hit him pretty hard. He’s here on his own and since we are both from Texas we can talk pretty easily about things. If any of y’all have any recommendations on any support groups out there for folks who battled medication addictions that might be of help to this young man. I do my best to keep an eye on him. We went to see John Wick last week and I told him we can go watch movies whenever he wants to if it’ll help him.

[YGIFS 19452]

That's a tough one, as far as the peer pressure of it all.  One good aspect of my journey this past year is nobody at my age gives fuck one about me not drinking.  One guy was a fucking douche about it but he's since shut the fuck up about it after realizing nobody else agreed with him.  But your coworker may take some cold comfort in the two things I've noticed aside from the one choade:

1.  Most, the vast majority, of the folks don't say shit.  Mainly, they don't notice.  And really don't care in the end.

2.  A few will notice and discretely tell you about their own shit in private. 

But yeah, I imagine in your 20's, it can be slightly more annoying and intense.   

My lectures aside, I've been noticing I've been slacking from reading, writing, and doing meetings as of late.  And have another career/life change coming up soon and need to stay ahead of it with proactive steps.  If anybody in South or West Austin wants to meet for coffee after a meeting, or just in and of itself...let me know.  I've doing good on service, time outside, and higher power.  But slacking on other inter-personal and intra-personal work.  Could use a nudge from somebody with a sense of humor and some wisdom.  

[Reagan1k 3024]

16 hours ago, closetohumping said:

Sounds like a drug, doesn't it?

I don't know what to call it, but I've sure as shit got an adverse reaction to it when it gets in my system.

To this day, even with all I've learned about myself and how my reaction is different than that of a normal drinker, it still boggles my mind when I see someone walk away from an unfinished drink without giving it a thought, or push it away and say that they've had enough.

[closetohumping 17455]

4 minutes ago, Reagan1k said:

I don't know what to call it, but I've sure as shit got an adverse reaction to it when it gets in my system.

To this day, even with all I've learned about myself and how my reaction is different than that of a normal drinker, it still boggles my mind when I see someone walk away from an unfinished drink without giving it a thought, or push it away and say that they've had enough.

A big part of my drinking cycle is "I'm drinking till I pass out."  Very rarely have I said, I think I'm good.  It just tastes good and most of the time makes me feel good.

[Reagan1k 3024]

9 minutes ago, closetohumping said:

A big part of my drinking cycle is "I'm drinking till I pass out."  Very rarely have I said, I think I'm good.  It just tastes good and most of the time makes me feel good.

I spent my entire drinking life trying to control and enjoy my drinking-simultaneously.  I assumed everyone felt the way I did when I drank...that part of drinking was always wanting more, to the point of oblivion, and that everyone had to exert willpower to stop once they started.  I believed, based on how I felt when I drank, that everyone drank to get drunk and that not getting drunk required a force of will.

In my mind, going to happy hour after work to have one beer, or having a drink at brunch and then not drinking more the rest of the day was uncomfortable to everyone and was the price you had to pay.  I saw others as "resisting the craving" better than I, and that I just didn't have the willpower or the magic, mental trick to stop the urge. 

I had no idea that ~90% had no such urge or craving and that the drink was just that...a drink that they could take or leave.  To me, it was the axis on which my world spun....mentally and physically. 

It was such a huge relief for me to come to understand that allergy aspect, and to realize that I was comparing myself to people who had an entirely different experience when they drank.

  

[closetohumping 17455]

10 minutes ago, Reagan1k said:

I spent my entire drinking life trying to control and enjoy my drinking-simultaneously.  I assumed everyone felt the way I did when I drank...that part of drinking was always wanting more, to the point of oblivion, and that everyone had to exert willpower to stop once they started.  I believed, based on how I felt when I drank, that everyone drank to get drunk and that not getting drunk required a force of will.

In my mind, going to happy hour after work to have one beer, or having a drink at brunch and then not drinking more the rest of the day was uncomfortable to everyone and was the price you had to pay.  I saw others as "resisting the craving" better than I, and that I just didn't have the willpower or the magic, mental trick to stop the urge. 

I had no idea that ~90% had no such urge or craving and that the drink was just that...a drink that they could take or leave.  To me, it was the axis on which my world spun....mentally and physically. 

It was such a huge relief for me to come to understand that allergy aspect, and to realize that I was comparing myself to people who had an entirely different experience when they drank.

  

Yep, at work functions, I always consumed the most.  I tried to slow down as to not look like a lush in front of colleagues

 

[YGIFS 19452]

39 minutes ago, Reagan1k said:

I spent my entire drinking life trying to control and enjoy my drinking-simultaneously.  I assumed everyone felt the way I did when I drank...that part of drinking was always wanting more, to the point of oblivion, and that everyone had to exert willpower to stop once they started.  I believed, based on how I felt when I drank, that everyone drank to get drunk and that not getting drunk required a force of will.

In my mind, going to happy hour after work to have one beer, or having a drink at brunch and then not drinking more the rest of the day was uncomfortable to everyone and was the price you had to pay.  I saw others as "resisting the craving" better than I, and that I just didn't have the willpower or the magic, mental trick to stop the urge. 

I had no idea that ~90% had no such urge or craving and that the drink was just that...a drink that they could take or leave.  To me, it was the axis on which my world spun....mentally and physically. 

It was such a huge relief for me to come to understand that allergy aspect, and to realize that I was comparing myself to people who had an entirely different experience when they drank.

  

This is really spot on.  Thankfully, I didn't drink until passing out/blacking out very often.  But once I started, I needed that constant buzz and the ritual of having another one/double ever 60 minutes.  The 'time machine' analogy used many times in this thread is also really spot-on.  If I could level out and shut that part of my brain off, I could ignore the important shit in my life and just kinda 'coast'...not pass out drunk, but certainly not sober.  Maybe I could have gone on like that for years more.  But the physical pain and mental drain of withdrawal is the lightbulb for me.  Way scarier to me than blacking out. 

i don't fucking know.  People talk about the long term effects of mass consumption and I just roll my eyes.  There were days I didn't think I'd make it through the week, let alone 'long term'  I need to do the work more rigorously again, I've been slacking as of late.  I really thank you guys, if not for this thread...I wouldn't have started the work to begin with.  I'd either be white knuckling it alone, thinking I could solve my own shit or in a ditch.   

 

[Kennythetiger 9416]

2 hours ago, closetohumping said:

Yep, at work functions, I always consumed the most.  I tried to slow down as to not look like a lush in front of colleagues

 

I always left the party early and went home to drink. 

[Celery Man 20981]

12 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

I always left the party early and went home to drink. 

the whole fuckin...

i need to be downstairs at 7 am and it's 11:45 right now and they want another round and i'll need to drink liquor for about an hour after this to get some sleep but i'll still be drunk in the morning but i have a red bull and as long as my alarm wakes me up I can shower but that's about a 50/50 shot and maybe nobody will notice if I slink into the first thing late but I already did that this morning...

[YGIFS 19452]

Yeah, I couldn’t keep from repeating myself five times in conversation that night but I could sure as hell do calculus on clock time, bAc, local alcohol sales laws, duration of sessions, distance to walk/Uber to events, expense account ceiling, cash I’d need for more booze, sleep, logistics, and twenty other equations.  
 

a regular mathematician.  The shit I could do half drunk in my brain still shocks me to this day.  I wrote a published essay for the baseball hall of fame fucked up.  And it’s still in there.  What the shit man?  But yeah, the drinking alone is still what worries me.  

[Frank Drebin 5653]

16 hours ago, YGIFS said:

That's a tough one, as far as the peer pressure of it all.  One good aspect of my journey this past year is nobody at my age gives fuck one about me not drinking.  One guy was a fucking douche about it but he's since shut the fuck up about it after realizing nobody else agreed with him.  But your coworker may take some cold comfort in the two things I've noticed aside from the one choade:

1.  Most, the vast majority, of the folks don't say shit.  Mainly, they don't notice.  And really don't care in the end.

2.  A few will notice and discretely tell you about their own shit in private. 

But yeah, I imagine in your 20's, it can be slightly more annoying and intense.   

My lectures aside, I've been noticing I've been slacking from reading, writing, and doing meetings as of late.  And have another career/life change coming up soon and need to stay ahead of it with proactive steps.  If anybody in South or West Austin wants to meet for coffee after a meeting, or just in and of itself...let me know.  I've doing good on service, time outside, and higher power.  But slacking on other inter-personal and intra-personal work.  Could use a nudge from somebody with a sense of humor and some wisdom.  

Most people do not care or do not notice.

Out of a group of 20 college fraternity buddies all in our mid 40s that still get together several times a year (and a smaller group a couple times a month), we were all heavy drinkers.  Then one guy stopped in his mid 30s.  No big deal.  Then another stopped.  Then a few more.  Now half of our group does not drink at all for various reasons.  Almost like a contagion.  For me it was when my best friend, who used to be a lush, quit a few years ago.  After a year or so, I asked him why and how.  For him, it was health reasons.  The more he talked about the benefits -- physically, spiritually, financially, as a dad/husband, and work -- the more I wanted what he had. 

[YGIFS 19452]

Yeah, seems to be similar tipping points for many. At a dinner party right before covid, realized I was the only guy from our crew still drinking.  They had all quit for myriad reasons but the moment stuck with me. Wasn’t out of control at that point either.  But it got me thinking.  But shit; there were dozens of instances and conversations and moments of introspection that got me thinking.  In the end it was the pain of withdrawal and my kids.  That’s it.  Otherwise, I dunno.  
 

but as you’ve likely noticed and others on here have more eloquently stated, the “life” on the other side can look more whole and  Fulfilling and serene and I wanted that.  Then you try and realize, like anything else; there are days of peace and health and getting shit done in life and there are other days that feel like you’re going down a fucking cheese grater.  
 

Our suffering is not special, everybody I see everyday in every place is going through their own private battle and bullshit.  I guess what makes this one a little different is a big part of it is trying to life one another up while we’re at it. It’s helpful, I’ve always liked service and philanthropy and volunteering and helping out a friend. Just assumed it’d be better for my hypertension.  Apparently alcohol had something to say about that.

[Frank Drebin 5653]

1 minute ago, YGIFS said:

 

but as you’ve likely noticed and others on here have more eloquently stated, the “life” on the other side can look more whole and  Fulfilling and serene and I wanted that.  Then you try and realize, like anything else; there are days of peace and health and getting shit done in life and there are other days that feel like you’re going down a fucking cheese grater.  

That is the truth.  I am trying to be careful here because I am not an alcoholic and do not want to say something that is obviously wrong or harmful to the alcoholics here.  (I was a heavy drinker who quit and has never wanted a drink since quitting.)

But the good days are better without booze and the bad days are fewer and not as bad without booze. Life still goes on and can be awfully hard.  Excessive booze just makes it all worse.

[YGIFS 19452]

Nothing you can say to an alcoholic is anywhere near as harmful as something they haven’t already said to themselves.  So no worries Brutha.  
 

I have said awful things to people I love.  But the things I have said to myself are beyond the pale.  I have beaten myself up within an inch of my life.  I have concocted scenarios and conversations in my drunken head that humans should not be capable of.   And then, you get to sober up and replay them back and realize you’re twice as miserable as you thought.  What a treat!

there are places we should simply not visit.  I am grateful to God that at least I am without physically violent tendencies.  

[Macanudo 13003]

Have some family in town this week and a ridiculously high amount of drama has occured.   I was not the cause of or brunt of any of it.  It was a happy realization that 1.)   It had nothing to do with me and 2.) Alcohol was not part of how I dealt with it.  I have to say though that as it unfolded having a drink crossed my mind.  But I was keenly aware that booze was not going to make anything better.   

 

[YGIFS 19452]

^

that's encouraging to hear, man.  Keep it up.  Good introspection.  Good proactivity.  Good fucking job.  Not that you need my validation but god bless you anyway, shithead! 

[Macanudo 13003]

14 minutes ago, YGIFS said:

^

that's encouraging to hear, man.  Keep it up.  Good introspection.  Good proactivity.  Good fucking job.  Not that you need my validation but god bless you anyway, shithead! 

I can be as much of an asshole as anyone else but what has transpired over the past 2-3 days was all someone else's doing.   Hell it happened before I knew all of the people involved.    When it came to a head, I was a complete fly on the wall watching it all unfold.   I wasn't responsible for any of it and just watched as some really ugly family history reared up.  It was a trainwreck and I was safely away from the tracks as shit blew up.  

 

[YGIFS 19452]

Yeah, my go-to in that kinda situation if it was my side of the family would be retreat to the garage and let my wife deal with it.  Her family is much nicer, but they can sit and talk about nothing for 8 hours straight and it is fucking excruciating, and I'd conveniently have to go to the gas station to check my tires (code for chug some wine).  I was being sarcastic when blaming you.  Everyone on this thread has stirred enough shit of their own doing for ten lifetimes, but every now and again-it's actually not us...it's them.  How we cope with that, that's the tricky part.  My mom and one of my sisters, along with most of my wife's immediate family, just told us this week their travel plans for my oldest's first communion.  Holy fucking shit, this is gonna be a fucking nail biter.  I haven't dealt with my mother while being sober since I was in high school.  If you guys don't hear from me in mid-May, I'm not kidding when I say maybe call in a wellness check on me.  

[Reagan1k 3024]

20 hours ago, Macanudo said:

1.)   It had nothing to do with me 

That's a big deal right there.  Being able to see that in real time can be a turning point.  I don't have to interject myself into a lot of situations.  By not doing so, I avoid conflict, and therefore all the issues to come with it.

Page 62 of the book was hammered on by my sponsor.  He pointed out that there was a dash between selfishness and self-centeredness, meaning they were two independent things......Even if I wasn't "selfish" in some situations, that I am self-centered in thinking I always have to interject myself in others' lives and their drama.  

Not my circus, not my monkeys.  God.....if I could only remember that 100% of the time life would be so peaceful.

 

 

[YGIFS 19452]

Well shit, weekends have been particularly hard for me as of late.  My SiL was staying in our room after her surgery for several days.  So I took my copy of the book out of my nightstand drawer to remember to move it upstairs with some other stuff.  And now my wife doesn't remember where she moved it to.  I have the digital copy at the ready, but I don't like reading screens before bedtime anymore.  Darnit.  

 

[YGIFS 19452]

Another rough Sunday.  Family coming into town shortly and they view AA or therapy as an affront to their faith, so gotta discretely zoom a meeting.  Wife and I had a drag-out fight awhile ago.  NOT GREAT, BOB! 

I really thought I'd be a better husband sober.  I don't know what the fuck I'm doing anymore.  

Y'all stay strong today.  I think I'm definitely gonna have a case of the Mondays tomorrow.

[nbmishoid 963]

Don’t know what words of encouragement to say, that don’t sound shallow.  Hope you can wrestle today to the ground. 

[TwiceHorn 31515]

Keep in mind that your only job in recovery is to sweep your side of the street.  What may be going on with your wife you don't control.

It takes some discernment not to take on things that aren't your burdern.

Edited April 16, 2023 by TwiceHorn

[YGIFS 19452]

Thanks dude.  It's just helpful to write and vent.  I mean, not just my usual long-winded posts, but on this thread here specifically with you cats.  When I have really rough days, I just type shit out or handwrite in this notebook in my truck in a parking lot.  It's not ground-breaking but it helps a little.  Helps me focus on next steps, if even for just a few minutes.  

I think of the David Mamet line in the movie "Spartan"...when Kilmer tells his protege, "You got to set your muthafucka' to receive!"  

I made it a point to be kind to myself and my family the week of Easter and it went really well.  Then the last 24 hours, I've just been brutal to myself and I got cranky with wife and oldest and fucked it all up in a matter of minutes.  And now her sister and BiL are here.  I'm cool with not drinking (mostly), but I'm just going through my self-hating shit and my wife and I's shit and it's NOT GREAT BOB!  

She told me a couple times   years ago when I started leaning into drinking that she thought my brain had changed itself.  And I didn't really pay attention to that.  I knew it was true but I didn't want to break it down.  I told her that nobody forced her to marry me, but she said I really was different.  I had a laugh because we used to both crack up anytime we watched a movie where somebody said, "I don't even know who you are any more!" because it's such a lazy piece of writing.  Anyway, I think it's taking me longer than she or I would prefer to rewire again.  Had a handful of relapses in the last 9 months which didn't help.  Plus we're having an elevated set of discourse on finances and communication.  I don't know if it's the right solution but I'm getting the feeling that we're due for spending less time together.  When I started this last summer, I needed and craved time around her.  But I think I'm at some new plateau where I need to just spend more time at work and just me and the kids and get out of her space.  I'm just at some reboot point, I guess.  I dunno.  

[EE2B 1565]

22 minutes ago, YGIFS said:

Thanks dude.  It's just helpful to write and vent.  I mean, not just my usual long-winded posts, but on this thread here specifically with you cats.  When I have really rough days, I just type shit out or handwrite in this notebook in my truck in a parking lot.  It's not ground-breaking but it helps a little.  Helps me focus on next steps, if even for just a few minutes.  

I think of the David Mamet line in the movie "Spartan"...when Kilmer tells his protege, "You got to set your muthafucka' to receive!"  

I made it a point to be kind to myself and my family the week of Easter and it went really well.  Then the last 24 hours, I've just been brutal to myself and I got cranky with wife and oldest and fucked it all up in a matter of minutes.  And now her sister and BiL are here.  I'm cool with not drinking (mostly), but I'm just going through my self-hating shit and my wife and I's shit and it's NOT GREAT BOB!  

She told me a couple times   years ago when I started leaning into drinking that she thought my brain had changed itself.  And I didn't really pay attention to that.  I knew it was true but I didn't want to break it down.  I told her that nobody forced her to marry me, but she said I really was different.  I had a laugh because we used to both crack up anytime we watched a movie where somebody said, "I don't even know who you are any more!" because it's such a lazy piece of writing.  Anyway, I think it's taking me longer than she or I would prefer to rewire again.  Had a handful of relapses in the last 9 months which didn't help.  Plus we're having an elevated set of discourse on finances and communication.  I don't know if it's the right solution but I'm getting the feeling that we're due for spending less time together.  When I started this last summer, I needed and craved time around her.  But I think I'm at some new plateau where I need to just spend more time at work and just me and the kids and get out of her space.  I'm just at some reboot point, I guess.  I dunno.  

When you quit drinking, did you talk to your family doctor about giving you something that will help you calm down and relax? 2 years ago this past October I quit drinking thinking it would fix my problems. I was quick to get angry, short tempered with my kids, and I would blame everyone else for the shit inside my head.

Finally, my wife told me that I had to see the doctor about getting something to help me calm down and get outside my own head. He put me on 10mg/day of Zoloft. It took a couple of months for it to fully kick in, but I feel like a totally different person.

As a man, I never would’ve admitted that I needed a pill to help me make it through the day. It took my wife kicking my ass to convince me to tell the doctor I needed something to get me through. I have a much better relationship with my wife and kids now and I wish I would’ve done it much sooner. Good luck to you. 

[YGIFS 19452]

What does Zoloft do specifically for out shit?  I know what it does for the general population but how do guys like us handle it?  

[EE2B 1565]

For me, it’s taken the edge off and allowed me to let a lot of shit roll off my back that I would’ve gotten pissed off about previously. It’s also allowed me to be honest with myself on when I’m having a bad day and get myself out of it much faster than before. Previously, I would worry about things that did not amount to shit for a long time. Now, I can move passed it much quicker and get over it. 

[Etxhorn81 33]

I think separating yourself from negative posts on this website may help you. I’m being 100% sincere in this statement. 
 

It’s not good for the brain to freely say someone needs to have their teeth knocked out and be throat fucked in front of their children. 
 

separate yourself from bad things when you yourself are having a bad time. It just fuels your negative thoughts. 

[Kennythetiger 9416]

1 hour ago, TwiceHorn said:

Keep in mind that your only job in recovery is to sweep your side of the street.  What may be going on with your wife you don't control.

It takes some discernment not to take on things that aren't your burdern.

Be calm, be true, be quiet. 

[Kennythetiger 9416]

5 minutes ago, EE2B said:

For me, it’s taken the edge off and allowed me to let a lot of shit roll off my back that I would’ve gotten pissed off about previously. It’s also allowed me to be honest with myself on when I’m having a bad day and get myself out of it much faster than before. Previously, I would worry about things that did not amount to shit for a long time. Now, I can move passed it much quicker and get over it. 

I did Wellbutrin for about a year. Light dose from my regular doctor, was supposed to help with anxiety and mood swings. After a year of better exercise, a weighted blanket, better diet, counseling, and….you know….not drinking, we quit the meds and kept the other stuff. 

[Etxhorn81 33]

Paxil for me

[BearSchlong 8106]

Wellbutrin here.

I said something mean to my wife last night (she lost her shit in the middle of a hailstorm/windstorm), and I promptly apologized and made direct amends, and went to an early morning meeting AND church this morning. I admitted to myself, to God, and I’ll call my sponsor and admit the exact nature of my wrongs.

To be fair, she has been traveling every week for 6 weeks and our garage is full of stuff because she hasn’t finished packing things that normally reside in my offsite warehouse. I honestly thought there’s no way I can get her car in here with all this stuff.

Her: it’s hailing! Do something!!
Me: I did. I bought insurance.
Her: why are you deliberately letting my car get damaged?
Me: (redacted.)

I shove a bunch of stuff into a pile, go out in a hailstorm, and move her car into the garage.

I make my amends. I point out my false assumptions. I own it. Then I go to bed.

Half an hour later she comes in and asks if my truck was damaged.

This morning she tells me she re-watched our argument on our Ring video archive. Admits she was behaving crazy. I ask how I was until she made the accusation. Her answer: “calm”.

Less than one hour ago she blew up on her dad (they are always in low grade passive aggressive conflict) and I sighed.

She demanded to know what I was thinking. I finally said “your Al Anon meeting starts in 28 minutes, and it’s less than 3 minutes from our house.”

Probably shouldn’t have said that, but oh well, I was speaking the truth. She is Al Anon dry and needs a meeting, in my opinion. I go to at least 3 AA meetings a week just to keep my sanity.

We have reached a point where I can’t own her emotions any longer, not because I don’t love her deeply but because I’m usually a mess in my own right. It is hard. Is it me? Is it her? Is it me AND her?

I move nearer to the precipice of finally trusting God with all aspects of my life, and it’s been 12 years since I’ve had a drink. I’m on the cusp of emotional sobriety. The payoff of my character defects is ever so slightly closer, but I still fuck it up so bad sometimes.

After my meeting comment she disappeared for a half hour into the back of the house and is now banging pots and pans in the kitchen.

This is one of those posts that I shouldn’t make, lord knows I’ve typed out many and then deleted. But YGIFS, I just want you to know that the trick is staying sober without going insane. If you think about it, not drinking is the anomaly. The warm blanket of inebriation becomes fatal. So I have to find a sufficient substitute.

[BearSchlong 8106]

And my wife and I have been through her mood swings enough times that we can discuss it objectively. We just did. She admitted that with having to leave town for yet another week at 5 am tomorrow means that today is her day to crawl in a hole and be bitchy. The whole conversation was even better because she was wearing her facial mask so she was basically in blackface (no racist).