I'm An Alcoholic

[Loch Ness Monster 3533]

Went on a 10 day bender after a breakup recently. She liked to drink herself so probably not the best influence anyways.

Almost 35 and it seems to finally be catching up to me. My dad was an alcoholic so nothing new.

Have a cubicle job and some days it's hard to even sit still for an hour  due to anxiety from alcohol. Becoming clearer everyday I can't go at it alone.

[Dewey 3286]

54 minutes ago, Loch Ness Monster said:

Went on a 10 day bender after a breakup recently. She liked to drink herself so probably not the best influence anyways.

Almost 35 and it seems to finally be catching up to me. My dad was an alcoholic so nothing new.

Have a cubicle job and some days it's hard to even sit still for an hour  due to anxiety from alcohol. Becoming clearer everyday I can't go at it alone.

Looking back on it, I'm grateful I was able to admit defeat. Tried quitting on my own, ended up the hospital. Then a trip to rehab, and then another trip back. Finally I was able to say fuck it, I can't control it, it controls me, what am I supposed to do? And all the help I could ask for came. I wouldn't trade my past, and all the shit I went through to be where I am now for nothing. I wish you great success. 

[YGIFS 19450]

I don’t what it is about 35, but that was about the time I started worrying about myself.  Of course took a decade to actually do anything about it.  But they don’t call it the first step for nothing, Lochness.  Bullshit aside and not to toot the horn of this scourge of society known as surly, but read through this thread this weekend.  It is extremely helpful and will help you plot a course.  As Dewey stated, you will be amazed at the help that comes outta the woodwork.  There’ll always be some pains in the ass, but you eventually realize they are people upset you are working on yourself and not joining them in misery.  It is 99% positive.  Eventually it is our work alone but a cheering section never hurt nobody.  

[pch 1259]

4/28/98-I stood at the turning point, asked His protection and care with complete abandon, and began working the steps with a sponsor that have given me a life I never could have imagined.  There are no coincidences-I chaired the 7am meeting on 4/28/23 at Harbor, we had a newcomer, and the topic I always choose is what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now.  Haven't seen him since but hope he is going to meetings somewhere.

[BearSchlong 8098]

If you tool over to 3001 W. 5th in FW, let me know.  Still owe you a cup of our best 90 weight coffee and some good conversation prior to the 7am meeting.
 

Youre on! I'm going to schedule accordingly.

[YGIFS 19450]

Up early today.  Lotsa family in town.  Lotsa stress.  Need to call/coffee with my usual folks.  But if anybody feels like dealing with a high maintenance asshole; please let me know.  Could use some outside the box discussion today/tomorrow.  

Edited May 12, 2023 by YGIFS

[Kennythetiger 9384]

1 hour ago, YGIFS said:

Up early today.  Lotsa family in town.  Lotsa stress.  Need to call/coffee with my usual folks.  But if anybody feels like dealing with a high maintenance asshole; please let me know.  Could use some outside the box discussion today/tomorrow.  

Lobo, this is probably my favorite reading that has come across my phone. “Be calm, be true, be quiet.”  
Of course it’s easier for me to tell you about it than remember to do it myself.  

[YGIFS 19450]

For sure need to remember "Be calm, be quiet."  Thanks. 

Is it a gonna be a grinder because I told myself it was, like self-full filling prophecy?  Or otherwise?  Fucking fuck.  It's this skill set you know you have but can't access when you need it right?  Or you don't have it?  Or it was always there because you certainly handled your shit at some points in your life without alcohol?   Shit.  Not off to a great start this weekend.  Peace be with all of you.  

[closetohumping 17442]

18 hours ago, Loch Ness Monster said:

Went on a 10 day bender after a breakup recently. She liked to drink herself so probably not the best influence anyways.

Almost 35 and it seems to finally be catching up to me. My dad was an alcoholic so nothing new.

Have a cubicle job and some days it's hard to even sit still for an hour  due to anxiety from alcohol. Becoming clearer everyday I can't go at it alone.

I feel ya.  I rarely work well after a night of drinking

[Shoxthemonkey 1981]

1 hour ago, Kennythetiger said:

Lobo, this is probably my favorite reading that has come across my phone. “Be calm, be true, be quiet.”  
Of course it’s easier for me to tell you about it than remember to do it myself.  

Kenny, that first paragraph hit me like a ton of bricks. We are prepping for our 50th Anniversary celebration in a couple of weeks so we have been doing lots of reflecting and reminiscing lately. Obviously there was a course correction somewhere along the way but there were several uncomfortable conversations with my kids and my wife about the first quarter of our marriage. I was a selfish asshole, no other way to say it. Thanks for the post.

 

ETA: I'm still an asshole.

Edited May 12, 2023 by Shoxthemonkey
honesty

[Kennythetiger 9384]

9 minutes ago, Shoxthemonkey said:

Kenny, that first paragraph hit me like a ton of bricks. We are prepping for our 50th Anniversary celebration in a couple of weeks so we have been doing lots of reflecting and reminiscing lately. Obviously there was a course correction somewhere along the way but there were several uncomfortable conversations with my kids and my wife about the first quarter of our marriage. I was a selfish asshole, no other way to say it. Thanks for the post.

 

ETA: I'm still an asshole.

I’m an asshole too. That’s why we’re friends. I dated the screenshot and then found the full writing:

[Reagan1k 3024]

1 hour ago, YGIFS said:

For sure need to remember "Be calm, be quiet."  Thanks. 

Is it a gonna be a grinder because I told myself it was, like self-full filling prophecy?  Or otherwise?  Fucking fuck.  It's this skill set you know you have but can't access when you need it right?  Or you don't have it?  Or it was always there because you certainly handled your shit at some points in your life without alcohol?   Shit.  Not off to a great start this weekend.  Peace be with all of you.  

No idea if this will help but it helps me when I can put it in practice.

I view myself  and interactions with family (or whoever is difficult and creates a feeling of dis-ease) as if I were watching a movie. 

Sandy Beach referred to it as a spiritual being having a human experience. 

I TRY and ask myself, what am I going to learn from this?  What tools can I put in practice here? 

Viewing the dialogue as an unaffected third party watching a skit....uninvested in anything but being kind and tolerant to the best of my ability.  It's interesting. 

It takes the power out of the circumstances and the future-casting.  I ask for my higher power's help in remembering that it is nothing more than me walking through a normal human experience (even if my family is full of wackadoos).

I wish I did it better and more frequently, but it does help when I apply it.  My sponsor continues to tell me that all my god wants is for me to chop wood, carry water, and leave the outcome to him.

[Reagan1k 3024]

20 hours ago, Loch Ness Monster said:

Went on a 10 day bender after a breakup recently. She liked to drink herself so probably not the best influence anyways.

Almost 35 and it seems to finally be catching up to me. My dad was an alcoholic so nothing new.

Have a cubicle job and some days it's hard to even sit still for an hour  due to anxiety from alcohol. Becoming clearer everyday I can't go at it alone.

There's this old story about sobriety and AA.  I can't remember if it was a Clancy or Chuck C. recording, but I laughed when I heard it because it so perfectly described my experience.

If I'm the man who finds that he can't stop and stay stopped own my own power, it's akin to my being lost at sea; treading water on the open ocean.  Two idiots come into view and they appear to be sitting above the water in an imaginary boat, rowing with imaginary oars. 

They ask if I want to get in and row to shore using their 12 steps. I tell them they're nuts and to leave me alone.  I keep treading water hoping to be rescued by a "real boat"  until I'm just about to slip under the water and I finally accept their extended hand.

Somehow now I'm sitting in that imaginary boat and they tell me to start rowing, but there aren't any oars.  These idiots tell me it doesn't matter; just row.

I "row" like they tell me, knowing its not going to work, but to my suprise, slowly a boat appears underneath me and oars materialize.  The more I row and watch them row, the more I realize that what they have is real, whether I understand it or not.

 

[YGIFS 19450]

Thanks everybody.  I’m scared today.  But I’m about to sit to lunch with somebody else in recovery and had a deep chat with wife this morning.  Whew.  Gonna buckle down this afternoon and hope this weekend goes well.  

Edited May 12, 2023 by YGIFS

[hookem2010 2624]

I've avoided this thread for a long time, mostly because I felt like I might belong in it. I've only looked at this page, but it seems shit hits home around 35 for a lot of people, and I just hit that age. 

Currently laying in the guest bedroom after a silly drunkish fight with the wife and experiencing my standard 3 am wakeup feeling sick to my stomach, depressed and regretful. 

I don't drink every day, but I usually do maybe twice a week, and even though I'm not getting completely lit, it always seems like I need "one more" than I intend to have. I think part of the problem is I'm now aware enough to not take it way too far, like I occasionally would in the past, so I'm not blacking out or puking or anything like that. Obviously, one does not need to get to that point to still be drinking too much, too often.

I'm not sure if I could put a finger on when my alcohol issues began, because I feel like my drinking didn't slow down much after college, it just kind of morphed from going out with friends to drink to drinking more by myself. And while I've moderated it some since that time, I've wanted to decrease my drinking for probably a decade with only slight improvement. 

Recently, the struggle I feel like stems from having a new kid. I've been staying at home with our 1 year-old, and when I'm alone with him, I don't really have any desire to drink. But when my wife is off work, I think we both get a little stir-crazy doing baby stuff constantly, so the easy thing to do to pass time as the day is winding down is to go grab a beer and bring some home for when the kid goes to sleep.

I don't know if complete abstinence is the answer for me or not, but I'm tired of having 1 or 2 nights every week where I sleep like shit and wake up feeling exhausted and ashamed. I'm not a religious person and I'm not ready to commit to anything else quite yet, but I know from past depression that talking to people who don't know me personally was one of the most helpful things I did. Hopefully putting this out there makes me more ready to come to grips with the fact that I have a problem, rather than telling myself for the 1000th time that this time it's different and I won't be here again next weekend.

 

[gasman 114]

3 hours ago, hookem2010 said:

I've avoided this thread for a long time, mostly because I felt like I might belong in it. I've only looked at this page, but it seems shit hits home around 35 for a lot of people, and I just hit that age. 

Currently laying in the guest bedroom after a silly drunkish fight with the wife and experiencing my standard 3 am wakeup feeling sick to my stomach, depressed and regretful. 

I don't drink every day, but I usually do maybe twice a week, and even though I'm not getting completely lit, it always seems like I need "one more" than I intend to have. I think part of the problem is I'm now aware enough to not take it way too far, like I occasionally would in the past, so I'm not blacking out or puking or anything like that. Obviously, one does not need to get to that point to still be drinking too much, too often.

I'm not sure if I could put a finger on when my alcohol issues began, because I feel like my drinking didn't slow down much after college, it just kind of morphed from going out with friends to drink to drinking more by myself. And while I've moderated it some since that time, I've wanted to decrease my drinking for probably a decade with only slight improvement. 

Recently, the struggle I feel like stems from having a new kid. I've been staying at home with our 1 year-old, and when I'm alone with him, I don't really have any desire to drink. But when my wife is off work, I think we both get a little stir-crazy doing baby stuff constantly, so the easy thing to do to pass time as the day is winding down is to go grab a beer and bring some home for when the kid goes to sleep.

I don't know if complete abstinence is the answer for me or not, but I'm tired of having 1 or 2 nights every week where I sleep like shit and wake up feeling exhausted and ashamed. I'm not a religious person and I'm not ready to commit to anything else quite yet, but I know from past depression that talking to people who don't know me personally was one of the most helpful things I did. Hopefully putting this out there makes me more ready to come to grips with the fact that I have a problem, rather than telling myself for the 1000th time that this time it's different and I won't be here again next weekend.

 

A lot of your drinking history mimics my own. I didn't drink every day. I didn't typically black out out or puke (although that certainly happened from time to time). I didn't go through withdrawals if I didn't drink for a few days. However, whenever I did drink, I struggled with the off button. I always had at least one more than I intended at the beginning. I had a lot of mornings that I regretted the previous days events and formulated a million different ways to either quit on my own or at least successfully moderate my drinking the next time around. Most of the time, I ended up right back where I was before hating myself in the morning and wondering how I could end up in the exact same place again. I didn't drink every day/all day. I still had a job, a family and I didn't fit in my mind what I thought an "alcoholic" was. 

The alcoholics thread at the old site was my way of dipping my toe into eventually accepting my powerlessness over alcohol. My problem wasn't the last drink of the night, it was having the first one. I ended up downloading a copy of the AA Big Book and found that I could relate to a lot of the stuff in there. Not everything, but there were more similarities than differences. That was a huge wake up call for me personally. You don't need to be religious. You don't need to commit to anything. Being open to the idea that  you may have a problem is a good start. If you are able to get things under control, that's great. If not, you have a great space here full of useful experience. 

[Loch Ness Monster 3533]

If you asked me as a teenager if I would be an alcoholic I would have said fuck no. I saw my father and while he was a 'fun' drunk I saw the toll it took on him after 20 years of hard living and it eventually took him out. I grew up as an introverted shy kid and alcohol always suppressed my social anxiety and allowed me to be more confident. Certainly catches up to you though if you rely on it as a crutch.

[hookem2010 2624]

I appreciate the response. I couldn't go back to sleep last night so I read the first 15 pages of the thread. I've known that I've had a problem limiting my alcohol for years, but repeatedly telling myself that I will cut back has not resulted in any significant or long-lasting changes, so clearly I need to do something differently. Going to check out the Big Book

[Jerry Callo 8703]

4 hours ago, hookem2010 said:

I've avoided this thread for a long time, mostly because I felt like I might belong in it. I've only looked at this page

Do yourself a favor and read more of this thread.  I suspect you will find many similarities between your relationship with alcohol and others on this thread.  I helps to learn that your story is not unique as it feels and there are options to continuing on your current path.

edit - looks like you've been reading more.  Keep it up.  I read all of the thread on the other site and all of this thread before I quit drinking 4 years, 4 months, and 1 day ago.

Edited May 14, 2023 by Jerry Callo

[hookem2010 2624]

5 minutes ago, Loch Ness Monster said:

If you asked me as a teenager if I would be an alcoholic I would have said fuck no. I saw my father and while he was a 'fun' drunk I saw the toll it took on him after 20 years of hard living and it eventually took him out. I grew up as an introverted shy kid and alcohol always suppressed my social anxiety and allowed me to be more confident. Certainly catches up to you though if you rely on it as a crutch.

As a shy person who struggles to understand my own feelings, I definitely use it to be more open emotionally and interactive socially. And while I don't experience the depression I once did, I think I've settled into a bit of dysthymia, and alcohol provides that brief bit of euphoria I rarely feel otherwise.

[hookem2010 2624]

7 minutes ago, Jerry Callo said:

Do yourself a favor and read more of this thread.  I suspect you will find many similarities between your relationship with alcohol and others on this thread.  I helps to learn that your story is not unique as it feels and there are options to continuing on your current path.

edit - looks like you've been reading more.  Keep it up.  I read all of the thread on the other site and all of this thread before I quit drinking 4 years, 4 months, and 1 day ago.

The compulsion to continue drinking after the first one or two hits home for me. I can go out and have a drink or two with friends, but that alone is rarely satisfying to me, so I typically get something on the way home so as not to allow those first couple drinks to "go to waste" or feel pointless to me.

[TwiceHorn 31475]

Hookem2010, I'm never not going to recommend the program of AA, but it is quite intimidating, or can be for a lot of people.  God/higher power, surrender, moral inventory, amends.  Yikes!

I think I might recommend just trying to quit altogether and see if you can do that.  You've already said you've had some trouble moderating, and that may be a bad sign, but it isn't dispositive.

Most people, alcoholic or not, at least initially find freedom from alcohol very liberating in multiple ways.  I think that feeling bleeds off after a while and you can decide whether to attempt to resume moderate drinking, or not.

But if you find yourself getting pretty scratchy while abstinent and resume drinking under uncontrolled and possibly even inexplicable circumstances, where you're just saying to yourself "wtf, wtff?"  Then further exploration into AA may be in order.

I think it is actually easier to come to AA if you have mostly exhausted other "remedies."  And the acid test for "needing" AA seems to be the inability to stop or moderate completely on your own terms.

[hookem2010 2624]

Yea, it's not to the point where drinking is affecting my relationships or ability to perform my responsibilities. Doesn't mean it's not a problem, so I'm going to try and stop altogether for an unspecified amount of time and see how that goes. In the past, I've tried to set limits, which hasn't been particularly effective for me.

 

[TwiceHorn 31475]

3 minutes ago, TwiceHorn said:

Hookem2010, I'm never not going to recommend the program of AA, but it is quite intimidating, or can be for a lot of people.  God/higher power, surrender, moral inventory, amends.  Yikes!

I think I might recommend just trying to quit altogether and see if you can do that.  You've already said you've had some trouble moderating, and that may be a bad sign, but it isn't dispositive.

Most people, alcoholic or not, at least initially find freedom from alcohol very liberating in multiple ways.  I think that feeling bleeds off after a while and you can decide whether to attempt to resume moderate drinking, or not.

But if you find yourself getting pretty scratchy while abstinent and resume drinking under uncontrolled and possibly even inexplicable circumstances, where you're just saying to yourself "wtf, wtff?"  Then further exploration into AA may be in order.

I think it is actually easier to come to AA if you have mostly exhausted other "remedies."  And the acid test for "needing" AA seems to be the inability to stop or moderate completely on your own terms.

Some background on this.  As Cajun used to point out, the old timers, the OGs of AA got to the point where they were at the end of their ropes.  They'd tried most everything then known, sanitariums, religious instruction and cures, and still kept getting boiled as owls, usually to the point where their physical and mental health were seriously endangered.  They were all at or near their rock bottoms.

They would thus receive and attack the program with gusto, completing the initial run through the steps in a matter of days or weeks.

Now, people come in still having questions, and dip their toes in because they just don't know.  And, they fiddle around with half-measures and catastrophic relapses, until they may finally get it.

I think it may be easier to accept and do if you can do your "field expermentation" outside of the program.

 

[Etxhorn81 33]

Good morning fellas. 
 

going to be a tough day in the family today. Our first Mother’s Day without mom. We will cook her usual Mother’s Day lunch and then go to the cemetery. I’ve been dreading today since Christmas. 
 

@YGIFS

i hope you’re doing well. I’ve been out of pocket since Friday. We had the big dam bust on our pond, so Friday and half of Saturday was a humid muddy shitshow.  It off course happened right before we stocked a bunch of channel cat. 
 

anyway, prayers today for everyone. Hug your mothers for me today, and send some thoughts for my family please. 

[YGIFS 19450]

Thanks man. Doing okay.  Have mom, MiL, and wife to thank today.  Did church and volunteer work afterwards.   Gonna go out and see my mom at my cousin’s house.  I could also really use some quiet, alone time today.  Selfish as that sounds on Mother’s Day.  
 

hope all have a good day.  

[Homercles 10205]

2 hours ago, hookem2010 said:

Yea, it's not to the point where drinking is affecting my relationships or ability to perform my responsibilities. Doesn't mean it's not a problem, so I'm going to try and stop altogether for an unspecified amount of time and see how that goes. In the past, I've tried to set limits, which hasn't been particularly effective for me.

 

I’m hesitant to post much in this thread, because I have been able to self-moderate after being in the dark for a few years…with the caveat that I remain cognizant of my past and maintain a ‘therefore by the grace of god I go’ vigilance even if the ‘keep going’ voice has pretty much been silenced.  But your story roughly aligns with mine. 
 

You can PM me for details or just to talk, but after the birth of our second and while I was in grad school, I self-medicated with alcohol as a means to either numb myself from the stress of home life or ‘time travel’ to the next day.  It steadily got worse to the tune of lying/hiding it, and the threat of real consequences by my wife with ‘next time you’re spending the night somewhere else’.  I suggest you don’t let it get to that point. 

Three things helped me:

1) I started therapy.  I thought I’d go in talking about my drinking, but in reality we covered my anxiety / resentment + had an advocate that helped me understand when my wife was being unreasonable (not with the drinking of course, but expecting everything to go according to her plans in life).  He helped me learn my root cause wasn’t alcohol necessarily, but my codep / people-pleaser tendencies. 

2) I took a long (7 weeks) break, telling myself and my wife that if I couldn’t handle that or I became a ‘dry drunk’…next step was AA.  Full stop.  

3) I leaned on this community.  Cannot stress how helpful it was to hear from Twice ‘I can’t diagnose, but you don’t necessarily strike me as an alcoholic right now’ + keep reading people’s stories here.  Huge shoutout to Twice’s time and patience as I hounded him in PMs.  

The long break helped me kill my tolerance, and find natural ways to address boredom/stress/anger (like banging my suddenly-happier wife).  During that time I was able to really internalize WHY I drank the way I did with my therapist.  And having someone who REALLY understood alcoholism (my therapist didn’t drink) was the final leg on that stool…for me.  

‘For me’ is the key phrase. I still drink 2-3x a month, but I prefer to have a couple beers over 3ish hours then pop a small THC gummy (wife and I did exactly that last night)…so I may not be the best person to post here or help you, if your struggle is different.  I mostly avoid liquor, I always drink a lot of water, try to make sure I eat…because I’ve learned what works for me.  

Thursday night a close friend went from buzzed to ‘about to throw up in front of a family at The Crossover’.  He was so bad I didn’t trust him alone in an Uber.  I ended up driving him in his work truck back to central Austin, ubering back to my car in Leander then driving home.  It was a late night but I was glad to help a friend and grateful that kinda scene is behind me.  Talking with him about it the next day and his current struggles was strangely helpful to me as well, AA sponsor system makes a ton of sense to me.  

So please pardon the huge novel…but your particular story struck a chord with me, and a few years ago it was helpful to read others stories…so if you made it this far and want a (therefore by the grace of…) moderation success story, PM me.  

[Jerry Callo 8703]

27 minutes ago, Homercles said:

I’m hesitant to post much in this thread, because I have been able to self-moderate after being in the dark for a few years…with the caveat that I remain cognizant of my past and maintain a ‘therefore by the grace of god I go’ vigilance even if the ‘keep going’ voice has pretty much been silenced.  But your story roughly aligns with mine.

Everyone's story is somewhat different and there is no reason to be hesitant to post your story.

I tried moderation.  I did fine for the two months of no drinking.  First scheduled day to drink and I only had one drink, albeit a large pour of Blanton's that you would be given at a bar.  Next day - no drinking.  Third day, which was supposed to be no drinking started about 45 days of drinking.  Not drunk all the time, not drinking all day.  Even if it was one beer, it did not correspond with my moderation plan.  

I eventually realized, for me, it took more effort and anxiety to attempt moderation than it did to stop drinking all together.

I don't miss drinking very often.  I have no problem going out with buddies and drinking a water, coffee, or something else.  No problem pouring my wife a glass of my bourbon*.  There are times of stress when I feel the urge or remember what it was like to numb the senses with alcohol.  In those, times I "play the tape to the end" and am well aware of where I end up if I take that first drink.

The majority of my support comes passively from the guys here.  I haven't been to AA, haven't read the Big Book, and haven't consciously performed any steps.  This is the only thread on here that I read every time there is a post and read through the entirety of long posts.  In the last year or so, I started realizing that I would probably benefit from AA and the 12 steps - just haven't taken the my step yet.

*after four years and three months, my wife finished a half-bottle of Buffalo Trace.  I had the other half on the last day I drank.  Some people are just different.

[Reagan1k 3024]

3 hours ago, Jerry Callo said:

*after four years and three months, my wife finished a half-bottle of Buffalo Trace.  I had the other half on the last day I drank.  Some people are just different.

I watched a table of 8 grown-ass adults split one bottle of wine the other night.  Boggles my mind to this day that people can enjoy drinking like that. 

[DallasHorn26 586]

I watched a table of 8 grown-ass adults split one bottle of wine the other night.  Boggles my mind to this day that people can enjoy drinking like that. 

That sounds miserable. My fiancé has like one drink every few months and will push it away when she starts “feeing it”. Hmmmm isn’t that the point?

[hullabelew 3724]

20 hours ago, Homercles said:

Three things helped me:

1) I started therapy.  I thought I’d go in talking about my drinking, but in reality we covered my anxiety / resentment + had an advocate that helped me understand when my wife was being unreasonable (not with the drinking of course, but expecting everything to go according to her plans in life).  He helped me learn my root cause wasn’t alcohol necessarily, but my codep / people-pleaser tendencies. 

 

I was seeing a therapist before I went to treatment, but I wasn't being truthful about how much I was drinking.  It took me going to detox/treatment where I learned a TON about my early years and how that still continued to impact me.  All without me knowing how it was impacting me.  That shit imprints on you early and you can't just wipe it off.    Then, after I got out of treatment, I started telling my therapist the truth.  Damn, she got a lot smarter when I gave her the entire picture.  

And I've learned to quit letting people run over me.  I'm learning to stand up for myself.   I'm in the process of getting divorced now and I feel fine about that.  In the past, it took me getting drunk before I stood up to bullshit and bullying behavior, but now that I've learned about myself, I can calmly say, "I will not be treated this way."    I took 4 years to get to the point.  Later is better than never, but it takes what it takes and I'm fucking good with that.    

[YGIFS 19450]

On 5/14/2023 at 4:13 PM, Reagan1k said:

I watched a table of 8 grown-ass adults split one bottle of wine the other night.  Boggles my mind to this day that people can enjoy drinking like that. 

It would take every fiber of my being to not just bust out laughing at a scene like that.  My luck, I'd probably get stuck paying for the whole bottle, too.

My-laws can do shit like that.  The 2 parents and 4 girls can share a single bottle of wine or an entire 6-pack of beer.  I get moderation, but at some point isn't it like 'What's the fucking point?"  I mean if it's some vintage Bella Oaks or something, I get sharing it.  But to spend 20 minutes and a gallon of gas to drive to Safeway to buy one shitty $8 bottle of wine to split 6 ways.  I mean, I'm an alcoholic, but I'm not insanely bad at logistics.  

Anyway, made it through all the family visiting.  Mom is still here and we'll see her one more time on Thursday before she leaves town.  Spoke with a friend this morning who's also in recovery and been a huge help aftrer drop-off.  Told him about the "time machine" metaphor.  That when family or in-laws used to annoy the shit outta me, I'd get quietly fucked up by myself or at some work/UT event to just fast forward through their visit.  I can't use that anymore.  He really liked the "time machine" thing, told him where I got it and gave him a few other BearSchlong-isms since he's having a rough patch with his wife and doesn't want to get back to drinking either. 

but there's a handful of "newer" folks on this thread as of late.  And I have nothing but rough patches and relapse stories to share.  But seriously, go back and read this thread.  And then zoom a meeting (I know going in person is a very intimidating concept, trust me).  Just reading/hearing people say the shit out loud that's been clanking around in our heads for years so fucking helpful, I can't tell you.  Different parts of recovery resonate more than others.  I need to write out my shit more.  But for me the helpful things have been service, prayer, and listening.  I know I type out a lot here, but I don't share much IRL, always been my nature.  But holy shit---when I started reading this last year and then attending/zooming meetings and grabbing coffee or just a parking lot chat with folks in recovery, just to hear out loud or read on a screen people talk about their drinking routines and beating themselves up and the ups and downs and embarrassments and doubts and all of it.  I gotta lot weird and creative shit clanking around in my head that nobody gets.  But once I read/heard people talking about their alcohol issues, it was this lightbulb of, "Oh, that part of my brain is exactly like that of 15 million other Americans.  Okay, I'm not special.  I'm broken but there's all these other people who went through AND are going through the exact same fucking thing almost down to the letter."  I should reach out to folks more, but just read and listen and give yourself a small break.  It's okay to be your own worst enemy, that's true for the drunk and sober alike.  Just don't be so cruel that you end up being your own executioner.  

[Basil 754]

We've been friends with this couple (kids same age at school) for years and vacationed with them 7-8 times, spent many weekends and nights together, etc.  On any and all those occasions, I was going to end up drunk.  Not slobbery, wobbly drunk, but with a full head of alcohol.  I assumed the other dad was similar as we'd spend hours at night drinking by the campfire, beach, RV, whatever.  After I quit, I've seen this same couple have one glass of wine at dinner or split a bottle of wine when they come over.  I was blown away.  Similar to others, "what's the fucking point?"  Then, "is this how they always drink?  Shiiiiiiiitt."  I don't know, I was always too busy on my own drinking to note how much others were drinking.

[DallasHorn26 586]

I wanted/expected everyone around me to drink as much as me when I was drinking with a crowd. It made me feel better and able to justify the amount I was drinking. 

[BearSchlong 8098]

Hear hear.

I’ve got a friend who got sober on Christmas Day, 1985, in Newport Beach after a few days of hookers, blow, whisky, and a lifetime of bad decisions. He’s the guy who bought a new custom Brioni suit to wear while telling his story at our district conference. One of those larger than life characters.

Anyway, I’m headed to his home meeting next Wednesday night in Newport. It’s gonna be a trip.

[Clintonaldo 2574]

Just had to cut a business relationship with a great friend who has a major problem with alcohol. In the last 1.5 years he is divorced, also went back to ex wife house as she was trying to help him and he shot up the basement and 2 months ago totaled a $90,000 truck while drunk. 
 

I had to call him to tell him and I hated it. The nicest man ever. Hell, we’ve drank beer together before. I just told him I loved him and am here for him but our business relationship is done for now and until he gets straightened up. He wasn’t shocked but said he has taken care of everyone else so long and I said yea you have and now I am asking you to take care of yourself. 
 

I told him I loved him and hung up the phone. He is such a great guy that’s had a mental breakdown. I hope he doesn’t do something stupid tonight. He has been texting me a lot the last hour and they are getting angrier as he is drunk. 
 

I guess I can say my conscious is clear. 

Edited May 17, 2023 by Clintonaldo

[BearSchlong 8098]

To thy own self be true. My first thoughts are that alcoholism is defined by unmanageability and thus the end of a business partnership may be a prerequisite to change. And you need to protect yourself from potential liability should disaster befall a project.

Wreckage of the past. I’m getting a pedicure with my wife in the chair to my left right now. Met her in sobriety, so she’s never seen ol’ Mr. Hyde here.

And the nutty nurse I was shacked up with during my last 11 months of active alcoholism on my right. She’s seen me do some maniacal shit, circa 2010 and early ‘11. And took offense when I split as she assumed she was going to be the next Mrs. Bearschlong, though 12 years seems to have mellowed her a bit. But I can’t help but acknowledge the hail of bullets I’ve dodged.

And of course they have known each other since middle school.

Just wee bit awkward.

I make way better life decisions when I’m sober.

[Not that Bob 738]

Contentment is a gift hard won. 

[hookem2010 2624]

Damn, reading basically this entire thread in a week was a trip. Thanks to the stalwarts who seem to respond to basically every new person who comes in with a problem of their own or a loved one. Sad to learn about El Diablo, and worried about several other posters who seemed to disappear over time.

I've tentatively reached the conclusion that I'm probably a problem drinker rather than an alcoholic. But, I've got to prove to myself that I can stop entirely for a period of time and down the road I can see if I even want to reintroduce alcohol at some point. Reading yalls stories all across the alcohol abuse spectrum was incredibly helpful,and typing out my concerns rather than just perfunctorily telling my wife I think I should probably cut back has oddly seemed like a significantly greater commitment.

Immensely grateful to have finally ventured in here. 

 

[BearSchlong 8098]

My wife woke up this morning after 2 large concert beers from some place called Karbach or some such place that wasn’t around in my day and she and felt like shit.

My reply was “FFS switch to clear liquor or whisky, the only reason for anyone to drink beer is when the water is contaminated, I just don’t get you people.”

[Not a cat 5657]

On 5/16/2023 at 10:21 AM, YGIFS said:

I don't share much IRL, always been my nature.    

[YGIFS 19450]

well played.  I really don't though, internet sarcasm and IRL AA shit for realz.  1:1 has been cathartic but two big obstacles are I don't really talk about it-or I guess know how to talk about it-with people who aren't our same boat.  And I also don't share at meetings.  Like I don't know if that's a good sign or something that just comes naturally or to work that process.  Does that make sense?  My mom was just here and I talked to her a little about it and naturally she got super defensive (she barely drinks for the record but doesn't really acknowledge that so much of our family are raging alcoholics).  But I haven't really talked with friends and family who are not involved in our path about it.  I don't really feel the need to right now but I know that can be helpful and part of the steps.  But I just don't know how to go about that.  Not the making amends step but more like just getting week-to-week assistive friendship.  

[Reagan1k 3024]

13 hours ago, YGIFS said:

well played.  I really don't though, internet sarcasm and IRL AA shit for realz.  1:1 has been cathartic but two big obstacles are I don't really talk about it-or I guess know how to talk about it-with people who aren't our same boat.  And I also don't share at meetings.  Like I don't know if that's a good sign or something that just comes naturally or to work that process.  Does that make sense?  My mom was just here and I talked to her a little about it and naturally she got super defensive (she barely drinks for the record but doesn't really acknowledge that so much of our family are raging alcoholics).  But I haven't really talked with friends and family who are not involved in our path about it.  I don't really feel the need to right now but I know that can be helpful and part of the steps.  But I just don't know how to go about that.  Not the making amends step but more like just getting week-to-week assistive friendship.  

For me…..

99.99999999 % of the people on this earth don’t give a shit if I drink or not, 

99% of my acquaintances have never given it a single thought. Reality is that alcohol and drinking doesn’t consume the mind of normal folks.  If ever pressed, “I’m just not drinking today.” is a true and easy answer. 

For that  sliver of 1% that notice or might care, all they need to know is that I hit my lifetime quota earlier than most and that my life runs more smoothly without booze.  

As with most things, I magnify how many people notice and to what degree they give me and my drinking even a passing thought.

If my drinking has affected my relationship with someone, then that’s a direct amends I need to make and with my sponsor’s help, I decide how to approach that individual.

 

[YGIFS 19450]

Your maths check out.  I guess my point was the vast majority of people don't notice/care one way or the other.  There are some people who I want to kinda share with but I';m not sure how because I've just, drunk or sober, never been a person that talks a lot about myself in real life.  And then I'm getting to a point where besides my wife and a few close folks, I'm wondering how to approach them to talk about my shit.  And then there's on top of that, not that I know shit about fuck, some other folks I wanna try to help---with full clarity that it's not my place but I can their hurt and yearning for help.  Just yet another point of inflection I suppose.  My natural inclination is to not say anything to anybody at any time.  But I know it can be helpful both to me and that person, but there's nuance to it.  Thankfully, there's boatloads of evidence and experience on the part of folks like us and our loved ones.  Just wondering how to navigate the next set of waves I suppose.

[Homercles 10205]

On 5/19/2023 at 12:23 PM, hookem2010 said:

I've tentatively reached the conclusion that I'm probably a problem drinker rather than an alcoholic. But, I've got to prove to myself that I can stop entirely for a period of time and down the road I can see if I even want to reintroduce alcohol at some point.

(Regular disclaimer that I still drink occasionally and my experiences may not translate)

TLDR:  It SHOULD get easier with time, start your break and find a motivation to stick with it.

Taking a break was when I started to feel comfortable that I wasn’t necessarily an alcoholic, because up to that point ‘will I / won’t I’ was taking up a lot of mental cycles…it was a ‘mental obsession’ as noted many times in this thread.  Not just managing level of intoxication but also judging hangover impact to the next day.  It’s exhausting, a whole job on top of work and being a dad/husband.

At the time I was on the “alcoholism layaway plan” with one day on and one day off.  My brain was set on a cadence of “get a good buzz on, wake up feeling like ass, go to bed early, wake up the next day feeling fine, rinse and repeat”.  

After I broke that chain, things rapidly improved and the devotion of brainpower to making decisions surrounding alcohol faded quickly.  Sounds silly but I recalled a book where a SEAL talks about hell week in BUD/S, and used meals as motivation…don’t think about the endless torture that waits, just make it to the next meal.  For me, my ‘meal’ was bedtime.  

I was fortunate that it only took a week or two to get where I didn’t really think about it much.  Sure, normal life shit would get tense and the thought would cross my mind to pour a drink, but I’d tell myself to wait until the next morning before actually considering it…by which time I’d wake up feeling great and be grateful I didn’t touch the bottle.  

An added bonus, for someone like me, was a totally reset of tolerance.  Mine had become so developed that the window of ‘buzzed but not stupid’ was so small that I’d overshoot it into the darkness.  Once I reintroduced alcohol, I was able to enjoy it slowly again and not rush…thus my tolerance has stayed low.  

Again I don’t consider myself cured or special or normie or anything…I remain well aware that I’m at a higher risk for abuse based on my history.  Just when I see someone like me post here, figure it can’t hurt to be a voice for problem drinkers and what’s worked for me.  

Edited May 21, 2023 by Homercles

[Reagan1k 3024]

5 hours ago, YGIFS said:

Just wondering how to navigate the next set of waves I suppose.

I dunno.  I’m no old timer, but I have a little experience and one thing I’ve learned for me in that time is that I tend to plan for a lot that never actually occurs, and have a lot of very hard conversations in my head that never have to be verbalized.  Left to my own devices, in or out of active alcoholism, I’m approaching life like trying to drink from a firehose.

Working the steps in order, and with a sponsor helped to reduce the pressure in that firehose so I can actually sip a little life. 99% of my problems today are fear based and exist only in my mind.  I regularly run those fears and crazy thoughts through the filter of my sponsor’s experience, and get a different perspective.  Most of that mental angst I create for myself evaporates when I verbalize it.

The initial instinct to live in fear, catastrophising, and self doubt never really leaves, but to the extent I choose to employ them, I have tools to keep the monster asleep under my bed.  Some days are better than others.  I get to choose how much I’m willing to suffer.

Hope that helps in a small way. It helped me to say that and remind myself. 

[TwiceHorn 31475]

17 minutes ago, Reagan1k said:

I dunno.  I’m no old timer, but I have a little experience and one thing I’ve learned for me in that time is that I tend to plan for a lot that never actually occurs, and have a lot of very hard conversations in my head that never have to be verbalized.  Left to my own devices, in or out of active alcoholism, I’m approaching life like trying to drink from a firehose.

Working the steps in order, and with a sponsor helped to reduce the pressure in that firehose so I can actually sip a little life. 99% of my problems today are fear based and exist only in my mind.  I regularly run those fears and crazy thoughts through the filter of my sponsor’s experience, and get a different perspective.  Most of that mental angst I create for myself evaporates when I verbalize it.

The initial instinct to live in fear, catastrophising, and self doubt never really leaves, but to the extent I choose to employ them, I have tools to keep the monster asleep under my bed.  Some days are better than others.  I get to choose how much I’m willing to suffer.

Hope that helps in a small way. It helped me to say that and remind myself. 

Yep, I do all the same shit I did when I drank, except drink, and I can keep all those shitty feelings to a dull roar in my head, sufficiently so that I call it serenity and don't feel any compulsion to drink, at all.

[Jerry Callo 8703]

Reading all of the posts in the MAC thread reminds me to be very thankful for all of y'all.  I remember MAC showing up on this thread in January 2019 after putting down the bottle.  I remember that because that was the same time as my first day of sobriety.  With the assistance of this thread, I have made it this far with out relapse.  MAC wasn't able to make it - I'm glad he is no longer tortured with the stress, anxiety, and obsession.

 

 

[YGIFS 19450]

Yeah, I wanted to chime in that thread about our shit...but it's more about his life and friendships.  But he wrote me a few good nuggets of wisdom and experience that I am grateful for and should probably listen to more earnestly.  From last July, I wanted to get to my next birthday (this Saturday) without a drop.  I failed more than once but have made progress and gotta celebrate the strides and quit beating the shit outta myself.  Anyway, sad his light is out but as you say---he is done with the struggle.  
 

But yeah, to those of you recently joining the thread.  Read on and reach out.  Or find another community that does and embrace it .  I really didn't know how many people were in so much pain that had so much hope and love and help to give.  I have seen so many worlds behind the one we all share, and folks trying to recover is one of the better ones.  Miles to go before I sleep...

[Dewey 3286]

On 5/21/2023 at 3:56 PM, Reagan1k said:

I dunno.  I’m no old timer, but I have a little experience and one thing I’ve learned for me in that time is that I tend to plan for a lot that never actually occurs, and have a lot of very hard conversations in my head that never have to be verbalized.  Left to my own devices, in or out of active alcoholism, I’m approaching life like trying to drink from a firehose.

Working the steps in order, and with a sponsor helped to reduce the pressure in that firehose so I can actually sip a little life. 99% of my problems today are fear based and exist only in my mind.  I regularly run those fears and crazy thoughts through the filter of my sponsor’s experience, and get a different perspective.  Most of that mental angst I create for myself evaporates when I verbalize it.

The initial instinct to live in fear, catastrophising, and self doubt never really leaves, but to the extent I choose to employ them, I have tools to keep the monster asleep under my bed.  Some days are better than others.  I get to choose how much I’m willing to suffer.

Hope that helps in a small way. It helped me to say that and remind myself. 

Amen to all of that, especially that last line. Early on and still, I will read a MLK Jr sermon on fear, it's a thing a beauty and you  said it again, different words, same meaning. Thanks. 

"How many of our fears are of snakes in the jungle? And how many of our fears are snakes under our carpet in our city dwelling?"