I'm An Alcoholic

[BearSchlong 8098]

Yeah-  if it’s a problem in his life and he can’t stop, stay stopped. and be reasonably happy in life…. Don’t stand around talking about how the mule got in the ditch….just work on getting him out. 

I am a grateful mule. A very, very grateful mule.

[Reagan1k 3024]

20 hours ago, Dbeasy said:

The message will be transmitted. Thank you. 

And I’m first on the list to admit that seems simplistic and callous - but facts are most alcoholics end up in jails, institutions, or dead while trying to answer that question and deciding if they’re ready for AA or recovery.

Normal drinkers don’t ponder questions about whether they need to go to AA or what type of alcoholic they may be.

His gut is telling him there’s a problem and his mind (disease / dis-ease) is telling him to form a research committee as a stall tactic. 

[Jerry Callo 8704]

I noticed on the gone posters thread that our friend ztejas hasn't been on the board for a few weeks.  Hopefully he's just taking a break from the board and getting himself right.  Wishing him the best.

[BearSchlong 8098]

I just texted him, and noticed he didn't reply to my last one either. I'll give him a call.

[BearSchlong 8098]

Straight to VM. Sending positive vibes. No answer to text.

[BearSchlong 8098]

The message will be transmitted. Thank you. 

DM me if you want to talk, or if you want my number for your friend. Always happy to help.

[YGIFS 19452]

Man, June was rough.  Going back to my regular meetings tonight.  I really missed swimming.  It was not just good for me health-wise, but helped me get out my usual mental state of bullshit.  But my daughter got this skin infection from her church school, and I got it.  Doctor says I'm more vulnerable to it because of previous organ damage.  So I can't get into the pool because of the chemicals onto my skin.  So I'm walking a lot more and riding my bike.  Says I need more Vitamin D, but the shitty part is, this time of year---I sweat and that irritates the shit outta my arms/legs.  I really wish this was happening last February instead.  I knew there'd be hell to pay down the road for a decade of heavy drinking.  Hopefully, it'll just be another month or so according to the prescription and I can move on to the next problem and the one after that.  I know recovery was going to be hard.  And I need to step up my game on a daily basis.  But I did not have "Hottest Summer Ever to irritate your skin ailment from your kid's school because you drank too much three years ago" on my 2024 Recovery Bingo Card.  

[Celery Man 20968]

I vaguely know that Neal Brennan is a TV comedy guy, this just popped up on YouTube and I was interested in this because David Koechner is David Koechner and I had seen that he had had some DWIs a few years back. Interesting to hear him say all the recovery stuff and talk about that, also lol at how he rationalized his relapse

 

[Basil 755]

On 7/1/2024 at 9:18 AM, Reagan1k said:

And I’m first on the list to admit that seems simplistic and callous - but facts are most alcoholics end up in jails, institutions, or dead while trying to answer that question and deciding if they’re ready for AA or recovery.

Normal drinkers don’t ponder questions about whether they need to go to AA or what type of alcoholic they may be.

His gut is telling him there’s a problem and his mind (disease / dis-ease) is telling him to form a research committee as a stall tactic. 

The bottom line is you have to go for it.  Whether a hard drinker or a true alkie, you know - likely for years - that alcohol is a problem a problem.  It sure as shit isn't going to solve itself.  It might be a big pain in the ass to quit or it might be relatively easy.  But there really aren't any other reasonable options other than quitting or riding the downward spiral as far as it will take you.

[YGIFS 19452]

Almost two years since I rejoined the board because of this thread and my slow crawl back to sobriety.  Doc says my shit's making some progress, but not as much as we'd like to see.  I just fall into these cycles, where I just focus on meetings, or just focus on talking to sponsors, or just eat cleaner, or just move around more, or just hydrate more.  But like many of you have said, it's for those that truly want it.  I know there's always a relapse lurking around the corner.  still weird how I can have incredibly optimistic, lucid days.  And then the next day, I live the same routine, but I get cranky and in a brain fog.  

All that to say, this particular thread and some IRL friends, helped me take those first initiatives to sober up.  This place has really helped and I honestly hope to meet some of you in person one day.  Thanks folks. 

[GhostOfTomJoad 9331]

BIL may be close to finding his bottom. Today marks his 6th trip to ER/hospital this year after a mysterious "episode." This will be an overnighter as they try to get him hydrated & his blood chem balanced out. This episode involved an unwitnessed seizure. In fact, it appears that many of his medical issues have been brought on by a hellacious cycle of binge drinking followed by attempts to dramatically reduce--but  not altogether quit--drinking almost cold turkey. The SIL admitted via text that she feels like god's punishing him in spite of how good he's been doing in reducing his drinking (or as a friend of mine whose wife has just finished her 2nd rehab stint told me, "he's doing a better job of hiding how much he's drinking"). For the first time the phrase "medically supervised detox" is being discussed. It remains to be seen if he'll accept that path or continue to try & convince his wife & family that he doesn't have a problem with alcohol & if the doctors just knew how to fix those other issues everything would be fine.

My friend whose wife is battling the disease shared with me what he learned from an al-anon meeting: We didn't cause it. We can't control it. And we can't cure it.  Thanks to those who continue to share openly their struggles & victories over this disease.

[UpperWestside 6170]

Obviously working in a restaurant means I will cross paths with a whole bunch of people who either are doing hard drugs or drinking heavily, or both. I know one of them drinks sometimes at work because I can smell it amd I have heard him mention it to someone else. I saw him last week and said I wanted to ask him a question. I asked him how much he drinks. He was a bit evasive at first, but he told me a good bit of his story. He’s in his late 30’s and has been in drug rehab six times and that yes he does drink. I just told him that if he drinks it is not my place to tell him what to do, but if he needs to talk to someone that he can always speak to me. He gave me a hug and thanked me for taking the time to see how he is doing.

Now I know he drinks too much, but I cannot control that. I can be there to help him though when he asks for it and at least listen to what ails him in his life. I think that’s important and perhaps something we should attempt to do more with those around us.

[YGIFS 19452]

I've never been a "get up into people's business" kinda person IRL, despite my persona on here.  When I started drinking heavier about the age of the guy you just described, most folks I encountered---I was numb to their predicament.  I could see it, but it sadly, more of a "hey, another person to get fucked up with!"  I still don't like asking, but the last two years trying to stay sober, man---you can spot another alcoholic from afar like a fisherman sees another fisherman down the stream.  I am no position to offer them any help at this point in my life though my wife will sometimes ask about some of the guys she knows are trying to stay sober.  I don't tell her about them, she knows them from our regular life---about a half dozen guys to varying degrees of recovery.  And I've talked to some members of my family about it, but it always gets weird.  And she asks me about the guys in my group.  I don't say names obviously, but tell her kinda backstories and what we have in common and then in other ways, we're all very different in how we drank and tried to stop.  

But to your point, once you get a little more lucid, you realize so many people around you are suffering from this.  I even told her, without being specific, that she's got at least a half-dozen alcoholics in her extended family.  They just don't know it yet.  But yeah, I wish somebody like you would have said something to me 10 years ago, and offered to help and gave me a hug and I couldn't have started course-correcting sooner.  a couple times, friends said they had quit and that I should give it a try, but it was more of a show-off for their wives at dinner parties.  I think people knew I was in pain, but were unsure of how to approach me.  It's a damn delicate balance because you can also get somebody pretty fucking angry with an inquiry like this.  Other than my wife offering to help me regularly...it wasn't until I got really serious about sobriety...that I realized you gotta reach out a little bit to get support, but when you do---a whole other world opens up.  If I could invent like a poker game where you have to pickup on the tells of true alcoholics.  Not who is drunk or sober or casually drinking responsibly in the moment, but who across the table from me is a serious alcoholic---I'd be like Matt Damon in "Rounders"...I could clock it all day long and win big.  But then I suppose, there's been plenty of times when somebody clocked me just out 'n about.  And around and around we go...

[Pam Cummings 9645]

On 7/11/2024 at 12:00 AM, UpperWestside said:

Obviously working in a restaurant means I will cross paths with a whole bunch of people who either are doing hard drugs or drinking heavily, or both. I know one of them drinks sometimes at work because I can smell it amd I have heard him mention it to someone else. I saw him last week and said I wanted to ask him a question. I asked him how much he drinks. He was a bit evasive at first, but he told me a good bit of his story. He’s in his late 30’s and has been in drug rehab six times and that yes he does drink. I just told him that if he drinks it is not my place to tell him what to do, but if he needs to talk to someone that he can always speak to me. He gave me a hug and thanked me for taking the time to see how he is doing.

Now I know he drinks too much, but I cannot control that. I can be there to help him though when he asks for it and at least listen to what ails him in his life. I think that’s important and perhaps something we should attempt to do more with those around us.

In my experience people who struggle with addiction can feel really lonely. They are trying to fight something alone that they know they can't help. Good on you for letting that guy know that you noticed him, and that he isn't alone.

[TwiceHorn 31496]

1 hour ago, Pam Cummings said:

In my experience people who struggle with addiction can feel really lonely. They are trying to fight something alone that they know they can't help. Good on you for letting that guy know that you noticed him, and that he isn't alone.

Just for reference purposes (elaborating not disagreeing), that loneliness is often/usually/always accompanied by the feeling of "terminal uniqueness."  That is, "I am alone, no one else is like this, no one has done what I've done," etc.  So, yeah, reaching out to someone helps, but the great liberator of AA and other group therapies is to learn that your experience is by no means unique (and there are usually people a lot worse off than you; and that means more pre-alcoholic trauma, more character defects, worse drinking behavior and habits, in addition to having a lower bottom than you).

Conquering that terminal uniqueness is one of the key barriers to recovery.

This is the reason many/most sponsors and groups ask the newbs to read the individual stories at the back half of the Big Book and find one or two they identify with.

Edited July 13 by TwiceHorn

[InkaUtexas 25989]

Interesting, that was me. I work against it daily and remind myself of others.

Yesterday had some rough family news that in the past would have allowed a toast to someones memory. Met up with a few friends who drink. Bought them a round of Glenfiddich in this persons honor (It was her favorite) and sat there telling stories sipping on a topochico. Friends have been damn good about supporting me as has my wife. Having support is so much more important than I thought.

[hullabelew 3724]

I noticed on the gone posters thread that our friend ztejas hasn't been on the board for a few weeks.  Hopefully he's just taking a break from the board and getting himself right.  Wishing him the best.

Where is this Gone Posters thread?

[InkaUtexas 25989]

6 minutes ago, hullabelew said:

Where is this Gone Posters thread?

Board Discussion

[BearSchlong 8098]

Texted him again and will call as soon as I get off this plane.

Edit - he answered my text. He’s maintaining.

[YGIFS 19452]

So I Zoom'd into a new meeting tonight.  And my work zoom full-name populated and nothing worked to change it my usual name (given first name, first initial of last name).  How the fuck do you change that?  I don't recall that ever being an issue other than I was clicking on a meeting time/location for the first time.  And let me know slowly, 'cause I'm not good with software.  

Anyone know of a hepatologist focusing on folks like us Austin (last one I was referred to was more liver cancer/younger folks)?  Despite it having been awhile since my last relapse, my new PCP isn't happy with my progress over the last year in terms of blood results.  Neither am I.  As long as I've gone this stretch, he reminds me "yeah, but you're also a year older."  Touche' Doc.  So that's end of month whoever he ends up referring.  

You see so many folks that did it so much rougher and for way longer.  Others that only did it a few years and went south.  I'm somewhere in the middle.  But my anxiety about it all is really ramping up lately. Not in terms of wanting a drink (which is weird), but the "I knew I'd pay for this later, but I just hoped the progress I made not just in staying dry but in improved overall health.  Anyway thanks for listening and somebody tell me how the hell to just be able to toggle between my work zoom account name and my meetings one.  thanks

  

[GhostOfTomJoad 9331]

If anyone can recommend a facility in the Spring/Tomball area or nearby please PM me. BIL had another incident this week and his wife has come to terms with the fact he's unable to stop & she isn't equipped to help him through this journey by herself.

[TwiceHorn 31496]

13 minutes ago, GhostOfTomJoad said:

If anyone can recommend a facility in the Spring/Tomball area or nearby please PM me. BIL had another incident this week and his wife has come to terms with the fact he's unable to stop & she isn't equipped to help him through this journey by herself.

Can't say much about Houston-area recovery places.  In a lot of ways, they are more similar than different.  I think most staff are well-meaning and dedicated, but the truth is some are better than others because they attract and retain better counselors than others.

In Texas, La Hacienda in Hunt is well-regarded and we have more than a couple of alums on here.

The Meadows in Arizona is a very well-regarded place.

Hazelden in Minnesota is a well-regarded place.

Insurance coverage for any of them is likely to be somewhat minimal, so pepper your Angus.  And, having one that's a bit further from home may actually be an advantage, because visitation may not be a good thing, actually, for a while anyway.

[GhostOfTomJoad 9331]

The expense of a facility will be used by the BIL--and possibly the SIL--to justify why he doesn't need that type of help. He's currently unemployed/semi-retired but has made a very good living over the past 30+ years.  But they are planning a wedding for their daughter & have another child in college so they have reasons to be cost conscious. Although one would think that it wouldn't take long to tally up the money they've blown on hospital and ER visits over the past 6 and realize rehab will be a cost savings.

[BearSchlong 8098]

Is he the type of drinker that will likely require medical detox?

I can vouch for https://www.rightsteprehabhouston.com and can pm you the name and number of someone there.

Houston actually has a world class place called the Menninger clinic https://www.menningerclinic.org and if I had to refer someone and price is no object I’d go there.

But honestly if I got struck drunk after almost 14 years of sobriety and needed to go to rehab I’d go to La Hacienda.

Or he could just do what he will end up probably having to do and go to AA. Put the plug in the jug, hang up his drinking life, and accept that he’s one of the lucky ones. Meeting finder at

https://aahouston.org/meetings/

AA is simply the most entertaining, life-changing, and meaningful thing I’ve ever done.

I would be happy to offer my phone number and time to speak with him, if just to answer any questions and reassure him that he can get better. I’ll shoot you a PM.

[BearSchlong 8098]

Also, I have a very good long time sober lawyer friend who went to https://parcbh.com/find-help-today/?utm_campaign=teen&utm_adgroup=teen-rehab&keyword=rehab%20for%20young%20adults&gbraid=0AAAAABQ1rtLS00Sdp1361dKlYY7pNw6dN&gclid=Cj0KCQjwtZK1BhDuARIsAAy2Vzvwk3ZT47J1m2wkkr3pxKWgQ8wRJ3JEwRMTBhSvVQjF1NPOqQGYPS0aAs2cEALw_wcB

And he was very satisfied with their treatment.

[BearSchlong 8098]

Lastly, this is suggested for the wife. She didn’t cause it, she can’t cure it, and she can’t control it - but she can find her own respite.

https://al-anon.org/

[hullabelew 3724]

I went to Cumberland Heights in Nashville.  If I had to go back to treatment, I would head my ass right back there.   They have a fantastic family program and an incredible aftercare program as well.  Also, at least for me,  it was a great idea to get far away from home.  

Edited July 28 by hullabelew

[Macanudo 12989]

Someone mentioned terminal uniqueness upthread.   Damn, if I didn't do that to myself a lot before I stopped drinking.   I think everyone has some of that in their life, drinker or not.  But booze (or really any addictive substance) makes that impulse go to 11.   As I spend more and more time sober (coming up on 2.5 years in August), I am constantly reminding myself that my problems are relatively minor compared to a lot of people and that my life is also relatively "easy" as well.   I don't struggle to put food on my family's table.  I pay a little extra on my mortgage each month (let alone the fact that I own a home like I do in the neighborhood I live in).   I didn't realize until I stopped drinking what I really had to lose.  

To anyone struggling, keep fighting.  The alternatives are far, far worse.  

[pch 1259]

Went to visit my 84 year old best friend in recovery at a rehab facility (physical therapy) on Friday.  He has been hospitalized 5 times in the last two months with congestive heart failure and other maladies.  The wife and I have been friends with both he and his wife who is also in recovery for over 25 years.  When I walked into the room, his wife, son, and daughter in law were there and we had a good visit.  Then he told me he had some bad news-the doctors said they have done all they can do for him and recommended he return home for hospice care.  I left there and sat in the parking lot for ten minutes weeping and letting the feelings and emotions flow.  When I finally could see clearly, I drove to my home group where the step speaker was finishing up 10-12.  Before the meeting, I spoke to her and as I returned to my seat, made eye contact with a former employee I hadn't seen in three years since retirement.  He said how glad he was to see me and to know I was a member of the group.  I asked how many days he had and he replied three.  I then asked when he figured out he needed help, he said three days ago!  After the meeting ended, we embraced, I gave him my phone number, and told him I was available 24-7 for anything he needed help with in the program. 

When I told my friend on Saturday about this, he smiled and said that is how we keep our miracle by carrying the message to those who still suffer.  I have watched him do this and gone with him on several 12 step calls throughout my sobriety.  He then said keep doing what we do and you and I will have much to discuss when we meet in heaven.  There are no words to describe how much I love my friend and how grateful I am that God saw fit to put us together in a program that works as long as we work it.  I agreed to officiate his funeral at his request and told him what an honor it would be.  In the meantime, I plan on spending as much time as possible going to meetings, visiting with him at his bedside, and living sober one day at a time.

[Celery Man 20968]

10 hours ago, Macanudo said:

Someone mentioned terminal uniqueness upthread.   Damn, if I didn't do that to myself a lot before I stopped drinking.   I think everyone has some of that in their life, drinker or not.  But booze (or really any addictive substance) makes that impulse go to 11.   As I spend more and more time sober (coming up on 2.5 years in August), I am constantly reminding myself that my problems are relatively minor compared to a lot of people and that my life is also relatively "easy" as well.   I don't struggle to put food on my family's table.  I pay a little extra on my mortgage each month (let alone the fact that I own a home like I do in the neighborhood I live in).   I didn't realize until I stopped drinking what I really had to lose.  

To anyone struggling, keep fighting.  The alternatives are far, far worse.  

 

[Texzilla588 769]

If anyone can recommend a facility in the Spring/Tomball area or nearby please PM me. BIL had another incident this week and his wife has come to terms with the fact he's unable to stop & she isn't equipped to help him through this journey by herself.

As stated, the fact that your SIL now recognizes her husband has a serious problem is a good step…for her. Al-anon can help her cope, encourage, vent.

The truth is until your BIL desires to quit drinking and seek help no treatment or therapy or begging or threatening will work. He’s got to hit rock bottom and maybe his wife and family can accelerate that instead of enabling him. He’s probably planning the alcohol for the wedding reception and will use that as an excuse.

[J.R. 150]

On 7/27/2024 at 7:39 PM, BearSchlong said:

Is he the type of drinker that will likely require medical detox?

I can vouch for https://www.rightsteprehabhouston.com and can pm you the name and number of someone there.

Houston actually has a world class place called the Menninger clinic https://www.menningerclinic.org and if I had to refer someone and price is no object I’d go there.

But honestly if I got struck drunk after almost 14 years of sobriety and needed to go to rehab I’d go to La Hacienda.

Or he could just do what he will end up probably having to do and go to AA. Put the plug in the jug, hang up his drinking life, and accept that he’s one of the lucky ones. Meeting finder at

https://aahouston.org/meetings/

AA is simply the most entertaining, life-changing, and meaningful thing I’ve ever done.

I would be happy to offer my phone number and time to speak with him, if just to answer any questions and reassure him that he can get better. I’ll shoot you a PM.

Tend to agree with the advice of skip expensive rehab (go to detox if medically necessary), establish duration of sobriety necessary to move to sober living, and absolutely move to sober living for a long time and go to AA regularly.  The sober living part is key for both SIL and BIL.  

[BearSchlong 8098]

Yeah there’s a reason rehab is colloquial known as “spin dry.”

pch bringing the dust. Looking forward to visiting your group again.

[pch 1259]

6 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

Yeah there’s a reason rehab is colloquial known as “spin dry.”

pch bringing the dust. Looking forward to visiting your group again.

Let me know when and the coffee paid for.

 

[DallasHorn26 586]

21 hours ago, J.R. said:

Tend to agree with the advice of skip expensive rehab (go to detox if medically necessary), establish duration of sobriety necessary to move to sober living, and absolutely move to sober living for a long time and go to AA regularly.  The sober living part is key for both SIL and BIL.  

 

 

23 hours ago, Texzilla588 said:

As stated, the fact that your SIL now recognizes her husband has a serious problem is a good step…for her. Al-anon can help her cope, encourage, vent.

The truth is until your BIL desires to quit drinking and seek help no treatment or therapy or begging or threatening will work. He’s got to hit rock bottom and maybe his wife and family can accelerate that instead of enabling him. He’s probably planning the alcohol for the wedding reception and will use that as an excuse.

I'll third this, rehab is a place to dry out and hopefully get introduced to the long term solution, but it doesn't work if they aren't willing or ready.  To quote the spiritual experience:

 

"Willingness, honesty and open mindedness are the essentials of recovery. But these are indispensable."

[TwiceHorn 31496]

3 minutes ago, DallasHorn26 said:

 

 

I'll third this, rehab is a place to dry out and hopefully get introduced to the long term solution, but it doesn't work if they aren't willing or ready.  To quote the spiritual experience:

 

"Willingness, honesty and open mindedness are the essentials of recovery. But these are indispensable."

True enough.  However, there are some that don't go to rehab exactly, completely willingly that do take to the solution.  I don't mean kicking and screaming, but at least somewhat reluctantly.

One of the more useful aspects of a rehab is that you are "on vacation," so there are fewer distractions and a decent part of it is exercises that help you come to believe that you are indeed powerless over alcohol and your life is unmanageable, because there are usually doubts about that, even among the willing.

It's not something that can't be accomplished outside rehab, but it does require meaningful AA attendance and sponsorship.  

Edited July 30 by TwiceHorn

[InkaUtexas 25989]

I am reading all this and taking it in. Appreciate the advice and insight. When I stopped drinking I had a solid support group in my friends. But I am starting to see that changing. Was at a birthday with a large group. One dude says the classic "I don't trust people who don't drink." good friend says in response, "it is just a phase, he will start again sooner than you know." Pissed me off and told me not only are their changes within me I need to confront, but also in my settings.

Hanging up, but will be listening. Thanks again for the good advice. If I feel off, I know where to come.

[TwiceHorn 31496]

13 minutes ago, InkaUtexas said:

I am reading all this and taking it in. Appreciate the advice and insight. When I stopped drinking I had a solid support group in my friends. But I am starting to see that changing. Was at a birthday with a large group. One dude says the classic "I don't trust people who don't drink." good friend says in response, "it is just a phase, he will start again sooner than you know." Pissed me off and told me not only are their changes within me I need to confront, but also in my settings.

Hanging up, but will be listening. Thanks again for the good advice. If I feel off, I know where to come.

People that say stuff like that usually are questioning their own drinking habits, if not full-blown alkies/problem drinkers.  Your sobriety challenges their lack of.

The only people that ever said stuff like that to me wound up in the same boat, to a man.

Unless they're actively sabotaging your sobriety, or tempting/triggering you to drink, no real need to change friends I don't think.  But, that's up to you.

Edited July 30 by TwiceHorn

[DallasHorn26 586]

3 minutes ago, TwiceHorn said:

True enough.  However, there are some that don't go to rehab exactly, completely willingly that do take to the solution.  I don't mean kicking and screaming, but at least somewhat reluctantly.

That is true, and I'm not against rehab (I made a trip there myself).  In my case, I wasn't willing and honest when I checked out and found myself drunk again within 90 days because I took the middle of the road approach. I knew the solution, but wasn't willing to fully surrender and be completely honest. I've seen this experience in many others along the way. 

[TwiceHorn 31496]

1 minute ago, DallasHorn26 said:

That is true, and I'm not against rehab (I made a trip there myself).  In my case, I wasn't willing and honest when I checked out and found myself drunk again within 90 days because I took the middle of the road approach. I knew the solution, but wasn't willing to fully surrender and be completely honest. I've seen this experience in many others along the way. 

Yeah it varies.  I tend to think it's worth a try if the subject is not kicking and screaming.  As you note, it does introduce the solution in a way that is tough to get at AA if you aren't pretty wholly willing.  

Once there is a failure of rehab, I think more rehab may be fruitless, and either pure AA or a sober living for the recalcitrant is probably in order.

[InkaUtexas 25989]

1 hour ago, TwiceHorn said:

People that say stuff like that usually are questioning their own drinking habits, if not full-blown alkies/problem drinkers.  Your sobriety challenges their lack of.

The only people that ever said stuff like that to me wound up in the same boat, to a man.

Unless they're actively sabotaging your sobriety, or tempting/triggering you to drink, no real need to change friends I don't think.  But, that's up to you.

Their life is in a pub. I was tired of that before I stopped. The social life where I live revolves around drinking. So I do not go out much in the evenings. I don't have an issue being around people drinking. My wife will have a glass or two of wine when we go to dinner. My father had a scotch on my birthday.

One major change I made was a lot of outdoors time. The River, my bike, gardens. But I am a social creature who works in isolation, so those do not fill the need for human connection. I think I turned to drinking to fill that.

I do think one of them is questioning. About 30% of his monthly goes to beer/vodka.

Again, thanks, back to listening.

Edited July 30 by InkaUtexas

[BearSchlong 8098]

Relapse is just plain ugly. Talked to a guy I sponsored for 3 years, and even though he was a regular at meetings and sorta worked the steps, in the back of my mind I had doubts because he was obsessed with appearances.

He called me yesterday because he quit his job several weeks ago rather than facing a surprise drug test. Obviously his company had reason to suspect something was amiss. And they had retained him for 3 years AFTER he had gotten drunk, totaled his company vehicle, and almost killed an innocent in an early morning wreck while he was out looking for his cocaine dealer. He was arrested for DWI and his company was sued by the victim.

So after 20 minutes of bullshitting, he admitted he wasn’t sober, and didn’t want to get sober. Also there is a female in the mix.

I told him I wasn’t surprised, that he had one foot in and one foot out, that I had a hunch he would relapse as soon as his legal problems disappeared. I actually went to court with this guy about 2 years ago and stood up in front of the judge as his AA sponsor.

But for gods grace go I. I’m grateful for the conversation, and glad I get to go to a meeting tonight.

I told him that I absolutely do not judge him, and if he changed his mind I would do anything in my power to help him.

[YGIFS 19452]

3 hours ago, TwiceHorn said:

People that say stuff like that usually are questioning their own drinking habits, if not full-blown alkies/problem drinkers.  Your sobriety challenges their lack of.

The only people that ever said stuff like that to me wound up in the same boat, to a man.

Unless they're actively sabotaging your sobriety, or tempting/triggering you to drink, no real need to change friends I don't think.  But, that's up to you.

All of this.  I had one really annoying guy early on that was lording it over my head, even telling mutual colleagues/friends about, because he had a beef with me related to work stuff.  99% of the time people are indifferent, as I've pleasantly found out.  

But one thing I am dreading is the person you're describing above.  Got another round of annual test results back recently.  We're making a hint of progress, but not as much as we were hoping for considering last relapse was a really long time ago.  And overall health has gotten so much better.  But he gave it to me as the, "Keep this progress up and you can live somewhat normally.  But you know you're in the one more drink, and it's 50/50 chance at lights out phase."  So next weekend is my cousin (who is like a sister to me), her daughter's college graduation party (like a niece to me).  And her and her husband, wonderful people, they've still not grasped I am totally done.  Not just pacing myself or waiting to get back on the party train.  They just offer rivers of booze to whomever enters their home, and a college graduation party will no different.  I have been to literally hundreds of events, fundraisers, parties, games, etc. where either nobody offered me or asked what I'd drink, and I reply 'sparkling water.'  Easy-peasy.  But my cousin is just in a constant state of looking to be affronted.  Just looking for slights to get upset about.  She'll go months without talking to me, or her sister, or neighbors who didn't want to sit and listen to her drunken tirades or dared to offer up an opinion on some issue different than hers.  

So all that to say, I can see it now.  They'll raise a toast to their daughter, and insist that I have a drink to mark the special occasion.  I'll discretely decline.  She'll insist again, and I'll say "I'm good, to the newest Red Raider alum!"  And it'll just eat away at her all fucking day and I'll get blamed for ruining the vibe.  Sounds hyperbolic, but she effectively did the same think two Thanksgivings ago when I politely turned down wine for the prayer, and she got all pissy about, "You do you, but we're hosting so take a fucking glass."  And I said something sideways and I got calls from my mother asking why I was being so disrepectful.  I can't take her aside and tell her, "I'm in the one more drink and I could die phase, so no thank you."  She'd get the message, but she'd also call my mother as soon as we left and worry the fuck outta my mom from now until 2025.  For awhile it was my half-sister and her problem with alcohol that would routinely insist I stay up later with her friends in Chicago and keep drinking.  She finally came to terms with it about 3 years ago, thankfully.  And now it's my cousin, who is a sloppy drunk 5nights/week.  She's a wonderful mother and employee and doesn't day drink (she's a dead giveaway when she's had more than 2, got about a half-dozen tells).  They're havig us over for this party and then for Christmas (along with mom and sisters and nephew).  She's running outta people to listen to her drunken ramblings and she knows it.  Not my place to judge, I just want her to shut the fuck up come toast time.  I don't need my mom carrying this around.  Mom knows I quit, knows I had a few relapses, but am on a better path now.  She doesn't drink, so that helps.  All my other family and friends either quietly support me or don't even notice.  Except for Cousin Loudmouth.  God Bless her.

[Jerry Callo 8704]

I know you said you can't take her aside, but you should take her aside when you first show up.  Remind her that your committed to not drinking and would be appreciative if she wouldn't offer you a drink in front of others.  If she does, then that's on her.

[YGIFS 19452]

Yeah, I'm thinking about that.  But my wife reminded me, that kinda proactive "take-aside" can also make her just as pissy, particularly since she'll already be 3 drinks in when we even arrive.  "I know you're in recovery honey, I would never expect you to drink with us."  And then walk away mumbling under her breath about how I wasn't fun anymore on her way to the fridge/bar.  That would make a longer, more tense day.  the toast as the party winds down would be quick, but as you say---in front of everybody after she's about 8-10 drinks into the day.  

Anyway, we all go through this at various points.  But she's kinda like my last 'obstacle' in terms of social pressure to drink.  My shit is my shit to work.  But yeah, she's certainly projecting something about herself she doesn't want to admit, but that's her path.  But if I can get through this and the holidays around them, and she finally gets the message after two years.....I honestly, and thankfully, can't really think of anybody else to whom it would even occur that I wasn't drinking anything harder than Waterloo or Iced Tea.  I guess she's the final boss in my social situation sobriety video game   

[Brisketexan 105156]

40 minutes ago, YGIFS said:

Yeah, I'm thinking about that.  But my wife reminded me, that kinda proactive "take-aside" can also make her just as pissy, particularly since she'll already be 3 drinks in when we even arrive.  "I know you're in recovery honey, I would never expect you to drink with us."  And then walk away mumbling under her breath about how I wasn't fun anymore on her way to the fridge/bar.  That would make a longer, more tense day.  the toast as the party winds down would be quick, but as you say---in front of everybody after she's about 8-10 drinks into the day.  

Anyway, we all go through this at various points.  But she's kinda like my last 'obstacle' in terms of social pressure to drink.  My shit is my shit to work.  But yeah, she's certainly projecting something about herself she doesn't want to admit, but that's her path.  But if I can get through this and the holidays around them, and she finally gets the message after two years.....I honestly, and thankfully, can't really think of anybody else to whom it would even occur that I wasn't drinking anything harder than Waterloo or Iced Tea.  I guess she's the final boss in my social situation sobriety video game   

Man....you sound like you could use a drink.

[YGIFS 19452]

You just made the list, pal!
 

 

[InkaUtexas 25989]

Sounds like Brisket needs some of the tainted Alamo beer. You know, the one that causes el Vomito.

[YGIFS 19452]

I went to a microbrewery once named the Tainted Vomito.  It was like a Waffle House bathroom after Sturgis opened up a tasting room.  
 

It’s weird IRL, the smell of any liquor or wine at the table I’m at doesn’t really register with me anymore.  But beer kinda bugs me.  We were at the SEC kickoff party and folks are having all kinds of cocktails in the heat and didn’t phase me.  But one guy at end of the table kept leaving bricks ‘cause they were free and getting tepid. And that smell just rubbed me sideways.  We had to move back inside until t staff cleared the empties.  It was half trigger event, half dry heave.  Weird.  

[Texzilla588 769]

I am reading all this and taking it in. Appreciate the advice and insight. When I stopped drinking I had a solid support group in my friends. But I am starting to see that changing. Was at a birthday with a large group. One dude says the classic "I don't trust people who don't drink." good friend says in response, "it is just a phase, he will start again sooner than you know." Pissed me off and told me not only are their changes within me I need to confront, but also in my settings.
Hanging up, but will be listening. Thanks again for the good advice. If I feel off, I know where to come.

This is the biggest issue for post rehab and the primary reason for going into sober living for awhile. Addicts who get sober who return to their drunken environment will usually relapse very quickly. That might be a crackhouse, or a mansion, or parents’ basement or working win a bunch of drinkers. Whatever it was you got to change it. And the biggest factor are people as you describe who want you to relapse to make their drinking problems less in comparison. Get a new social environment. And if family ain’t helping they’re hurting. Put a little cleavage there too.