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I'm An Alcoholic


El Diablo

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12 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

IMG_5321.webp.611f41677334f9dac5c4bbd3ebbcfac4.webp

I stole this off the A&M thread to stick here. Even when I wasn’t drinking this is how I felt every goddamn day when I wasn’t sober. Maybe it’ll help someone else too. 
Or maybe it’s just Aggy waiting for their SEC Championship next year. 

Ha!  I used this analogy in a meeting yesterday to explain how I felt before going through the steps and establishing a conscious contact with a higher power.

I can still feel like this when I'm not right sized and spiritually fit, but now I have some solutions other than the bottom of a bottle.

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Potato, potata counter point misinterpretation: I'm grateful for when I have a rock to push up hill. I'm good at it, focuses my energy, and gives me something worthwhile to do. It's when I have too much free time that I tend to say, "fuck it."

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  • 3 weeks later...

I sent a voice message on Tuesday to the mother of my ex-girlfriend thanking her for what she did five years ago on the last night I drank. I told her that if she is able to do so to tell her daughter thank you for kicking me to the curb as that likely saved my life. Hopefully one day I can tell her myself on the phone or in-person. Her mother is an amazingly strong woman and Christian (yes there are a few good ones out there) who thought I could do better and has never stopped helping or encouraging me.

Every single day I attempt to make the best of it that I can. Now obviously some days are just going to be completely out of sync. We all deal with that regularly. The difference that I tell myself is that I do not need to ever again run to a bottle and check out on life. The desire to drink died the day I quit. One of the things for me is I took that laser-like focus I have with being on the spectrum and used it to form good habits instead of something that was destroying me bit by bit.

The only part of this that sucks is that 1st year saying goodbye to my aunt a year and a day after I stopped drinking. I had to see her incapacitated on a FaceTime call and say goodbye to her while I was in Vermont celebrating one year sober. I will forever think of how alcohol robbed me of her and her children of their mom and the grandchildren who she was in the beginning stages of showering with love. She was a nurse for three decades and knew better, but her and her longtime alcoholic boyfriend just kept drinking. She stopped a month before she died, but it was too late.
 

If any of you reading this feel like alcohol is taking over your life please reach out to someone on this thread or someone in-person you trust. The alcohol never loses. You do not have to let it win though. You can make a stand and say no more. Perhaps it will not be as painless as it was for me to walk away, but do it if you cannot function without drinking. Your friends and loved ones will thank you for doing that.

Edited by UpperWestside
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12 hours ago, UpperWestside said:

The alcohol never loses.

Big topic of conversation in our group with some newcomers.  You can't out think it or out run it.  That's the insanity the book describes....some how, someday I'll control it.

And, one of the more insidious aspects of alcoholism is that we are like that proverbial frog in a pot.  It turns up the heat so slowly at first we don't realize we're in the soup and being cooked until it is too late.

That combination is deadly and the reason it's basically a perfect disease.

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17 hours ago, Reagan1k said:

Big topic of conversation in our group with some newcomers.  You can't out think it or out run it.  That's the insanity the book describes....some how, someday I'll control it.

 

the-only-winning-move.gif

 

1 hour ago, Kennythetiger said:

Spent some time at a place in Steamboat a while back. Got word at midnight that one of my guys died. “An accident” is all his facebook page said. 

it's a bummer not knowing. it ultimately doesn't matter I suppose, but having loved people for a time in your life, and then not knowing the circumstances of their death or just losing touch and not even knowing if they're still around, it's a hard part of recovery. And even more generally the suddenness of it sometimes.

 

I suppose I'm not as well rounded as I like to consider myself to be - I've just made the connection that the little serenity prayer snippet that is so central to how I've been able to manage myself in recovery is essentially the core of stoic philosophy. The dichotomy of control. There was a conversation a while back in a different thread where I was talking about wanting to read some stoic philosophy, I've dipped into it a bit more and taken aback at how much I didn't realize that this is what I've worked so hard to incorporate into my every day. I've added "How to Think Like a Roman Emperor" into my reading list, I'll report back if I find it useful in this context.

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20 hours ago, Reagan1k said:

Big topic of conversation in our group with some newcomers.  You can't out think it or out run it.  That's the insanity the book describes....some how, someday I'll control it.

And, one of the more insidious aspects of alcoholism is that we are like that proverbial frog in a pot.  It turns up the heat so slowly at first we don't realize we're in the soup and being cooked until it is too late.

That combination is deadly and the reason it's basically a perfect disease.

Anton Chigurh. 

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