I'm An Alcoholic

[Shenanigans 31]

Thanks for the feedback guys.

[irishtexan 11,519]

An old friend of mine killed himself last Thursday. He had a two year old daughter that just celebrated her birthday. He had struggled with alcoholism for a long time. Done a couple of stings in rehab. Was sober for a year. Apparently fell off the wagon hard and killed himself.

The exact same thing happened to my uncle. Was depressed because he was drinking. Was depressed because he couldn’t drink. Was depressed because he started drinking again.

No cloak room, but I wish there was a way to get people who struggle with alcohol and depression to temporarily give up their guns. I know that a lot of people could find other ways to kill themselves. It just seems like having a gun makes it really easy.

[TexArcher 37,774]

Damn.  Sorry, man.

[BearSchlong 8,094]

Welp, due to medical issues I'm hopping on the wagon. Drinking gives me insane heart burn these days. Felt good after taking a few days off,  drank a 6er and a bit of whiskey, and i was fucked for 24 hours. 
Went to Dr and they did an ekg just to be safe. Found an abnormality so getting the ultrasound today, and They gave me nitro pills just in case. 
Talk about instantly changing your perspective. 

You going to AA?

[BearSchlong 8,094]

An old friend of mine killed himself last Thursday. He had a two year old daughter that just celebrated her birthday. He had struggled with alcoholism for a long time. Done a couple of stings in rehab. Was sober for a year. Apparently fell off the wagon hard and killed himself.

The exact same thing happened to my uncle. Was depressed because he was drinking. Was depressed because he couldn’t drink. Was depressed because he started drinking again.

No cloak room, but I wish there was a way to get people who struggle with alcohol and depression to temporarily give up their guns. I know that a lot of people could find other ways to kill themselves. It just seems like having a gun makes it really easy.

Sorry to hear this, but thanks for sharing that.

[BearSchlong 8,094]

On 9/21/2018 at 11:44 AM, MissingInAction said:

Welp, due to medical issues I'm hopping on the wagon. Drinking gives me insane heart burn these days. Felt good after taking a few days off,  drank a 6er and a bit of whiskey, and i was fucked for 24 hours. 

Went to Dr and they did an ekg just to be safe. Found an abnormality so getting the ultrasound today, and They gave me nitro pills just in case. 

Talk about instantly changing your perspective. 

What were the results of the ultrasound?  How are your liver enzyme levels?

[El Diablo 4,232]

2 years, 8 months as of yesterday thanks to this asshole ^^^ and other strangers who were there when I reached out for help. 

[Reagan1k 3,024]

19 minutes ago, El Diablo said:

2 years, 8 months as of yesterday thanks to this asshole ^^^ and other strangers who were there when I reached out for help. 

That's awesome!  Keep on rolling.  

I was at a noon meeting yesterday where they rolled up the bus from a local treatment center and a group of guys came in.....a few for their 1st time.  

I let one of the new guys follow along with my phone app while they did the daily readings. 

He asked me if I was getting paid to be there and do that.

I literally laughed out loud and said "No, I'm just doing the same thing you'll be doing for someone else if you stick around here."  I wish I had something more profound to say but I guess he got it.  

It reminded me of what my sponsor told me early on when he was trying to get me into service and out of self......You don't get to decide the impact an act of service will have on others.  Your job is just to serve others and God gets to decide what they take from it. 

 

Edited September 26, 2018 by Reagan1k

[MissingInAction 25,076]

15 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

What were the results of the ultrasound?  How are your liver enzyme levels?

I'm all good heart and liver wise, so it is something GI related. On to the next specialist.

[BearSchlong 8,094]

4 hours ago, MissingInAction said:

I'm all good heart and liver wise, so it is something GI related. On to the next specialist.

is this something that would go away completely if you eliminated alcohol and/or steelshank approved foods/derkadogs from your diet?

 

[MissingInAction 25,076]

It appears that way.

[BearSchlong 8,094]

Then my friend I hope you're an average normal temperate drinker, successfully able to enter the glasslike waters of abstinence with nary a ripple of anxiety.

[Reagan1k 3,024]

19 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

Then my friend I hope you're an average normal temperate drinker, successfully able to enter the glasslike waters of abstinence with nary a ripple of anxiety.

I used to watch pharma commercials and listen for the warnings about alcohol use.....if it said Do Not Take with Alcohol.......I'd know I just couldn't get that disease because it would screw up my drinking. 

It shows how screwed up my perception was with regard to drinking - not being able to tell the truth from the lie - I assumed everyone drank like me and wondered how all these people would/could stop when given a reason - like saving their life.  I thought I was incapable of not drinking....and I was until I had an experience through the steps.

 

[MissingInAction 25,076]

22 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

Then my friend I hope you're an average normal temperate drinker, successfully able to enter the glasslike waters of abstinence with nary a ripple of anxiety.

I had a few lone stars over the weekend, but nothing approaching the usual intake. Theres a large bottle of whismey in the cabinet i didnt even touch. We shall see how it goes.

[Dertyberd 394]

Hope.

It's the one thing I got out of the Chapter to the Agnostic when I read the BB the first time.  I was reminded last night how fucking hopeless and desperate I was when I knew I needed to do something different in my life.  I didn't relate with any of the drinking stories the first time I read them, but the simple question of "am I willing to believe" allowed me to open my mind to try something different.  I would've fucking done anything to quit drinking because things were really bad, but the God thing repulsed me.  If I could've quit drinking with medicine or logic, I would've easily taken that road.  What I really needed was hope. Being able to be willing to believe in something, anything, was what worked for me.  Life is hard enough as it is without me fucking it up.   Life if miserable when I have no hope.  I wish the best for anyone out there losing hope today.  Find a small piece of hope and hold on to it.  It will slowly grow.  Try something different.  It will get easier over time.  Much love.  

[Dewey 3,286]

Been there, inescapable thoughts of sadness. What got me through was believing the universe wanted nothing but good for me. All I had to do was do good, not try, but just be good and good things happen. It doesn't mean that we wont get down again, it just means we can rise again. We go down with the water and we rise with the water.

[El Diablo 4,232]

Just "not drinking" isn't enough to keep people in the program. It may get someone in the door, the lure of being able to get thru a day without drinking but that's just a very small part of what ails the alcoholic. Hope is a good thing.

[TtomTerrific 200]

I'm so fucking bored right now...Friday evening at home..longing for the "good times"

Crazy how this disease fucks with you....not one thought of the calamitous ruin.

Haven't been to this thread for a while....this is everything good about this website and the Shag....God Bless you fellas.

I am going to hit a late night Westlake meeting if any of you want to say hi from the internet. 

[El Diablo 4,232]

4 minutes ago, TtomTerrific said:

I'm so fucking bored right now...Friday evening at home..longing for the "good times"

Crazy how this disease fucks with you....not one thought of the calamitous ruin.

Haven't been to this thread for a while....this is everything good about this website and the Shag....God Bless you fellas.

I am going to hit a late night Westlake meeting if any of you want to say hi from the internet. 

Yeah, you need to be around some more drunks. Said it upthread - my mind is a dangerous neighborhood - I don't need to spend much time there alone.  Good to see ya Tom. Get yer ass to a meeting place. Go early, stay late, be loud.

[Dewey 3,286]

I hear good things about those Westlake meetings

[BearSchlong 8,094]

I'm so fucking bored right now...Friday evening at home..longing for the "good times"
Crazy how this disease fucks with you....not one thought of the calamitous ruin.
Haven't been to this thread for a while....this is everything good about this website and the Shag....God Bless you fellas.
I am going to hit a late night Westlake meeting if any of you want to say hi from the internet. 

Get through the steps and go get yourself a coupla pigeons (sponsees) that is where the magic happens.

Met a kid tonight a week out of treatment at one of our St. Francis (remember that place TTom?) potluck speaker meetings. Spent a few minutes asking about his story and telling him the truth about myself and my drinking. He was sitting all alone at a table and I said hey come sit with me and Brooks (mutual friend of TTom and me) and join us. Before long I found out I am the guys grand sponsor. . .pointed out his great grand sponsor and told him look, you've got sober men who have done the work and who want nothing but the best for you, for you to get this miracle that we've been so freely given, and we are here to help you.

That is where recovery happens for me, when I share with a newcomer how my life was shit and I almost died and these guys saved my life, for free and for fun. Makes me incredibly grateful.

[SwanderedTalent 5,761]

On 10/12/2018 at 7:37 PM, TtomTerrific said:

longing for the "good times"l

picking up a drink because you long for the "good times" is like trying to be an eight-year old again. the clothes don't fit, the desk's too small, someone else lives in the house you grew up in, and you don't have anything in common with the people 

[JohnnyRage 1,617]

 

[BearSchlong 8,094]

 

22 hours ago, SwanderedTalent said:

picking up a drink because you long for the "good times" is like trying to be an eight-year old again. the clothes don't fit, the desk's too small, someone else lives in the house you grew up in, and you don't have anything in common with the people 

That's a great analogy. . .the "good times" is the mental obsession in full form, that this time it's going to be different, I swear!  This time I'm going to do is successfully, and this time it's going to be awesome!

I'm an alcoholic, and my memory is fucked, it's like a colander.

Saw "A Star is Born" last weekend and though it's the best movie I've seen in a while it was a little painful. . . but hey, who better to play a drunk in a movie than someone who was previously a fully immersed character, right?

Over the weekend I binged "The Defiant Ones" on HBO and lol'd at Eminem and his diamond studded circle/triangle AA pendant that he wore during the interviews.

 

[BearSchlong 8,094]

Grateful to be safe sober and sane.

Somehow yesterday I ended up at the Mizzou ZBT house with my daughter and her Kappa sisters for a homecoming pregame. 2000 kids guzzling natty light and spraying cheap champagne on each other and blasting Kendrick Lamar.

Surreal.

For a split second, and I mean a nanosecond, I was back in that place.

Then i laughed at myself and realized what i am. And thanked God for delivering me from that nonsense, and for the stark reminder.

Daughter said that my ex wife did not handle the same scene with dignity and grace when she visited on parents weekend. I told her well she's an untreated al anon, of course she didnt.

[ernest_t_bass 1,196]

Sorority house?  Rules.

[Celery Man 20,949]

3 years today.  I remember hitting 3 months and thinking it was an eternity to pick up my next chip.  Didn't even pick one up today  - too busy with tasting wedding cakes and some Sunday chores.  Will grab one later.  I guess that's some part "i should stay more plugged in and on top of good sobriety behavior", some part thinking about how far I've gotten from counting the days like they are years.  Anyways - keep on keeping on folks.

I'm thinking a little bit about a Bible verse I read when I was little, that I completely misinterpreted, and then later fixated on it, and then later realized how wrong I had it but how... good the message is, whether or not it was correct interpretation and whether or not you're a Christian. 

John 10:10 - The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy.  I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

I thought that he was talking about the thieves when he was talking about coming so that they could have life and have it to the full.  Which is kind of a big redemptive thing - thieves can be redeemed, they can have full lives, they can be saved.  Darth Vader can turn back to the light, even if it's just at the very end.  If you are at the end of your rope, and you feel like there's nothing about you worth saving - you can be redeemed.

[Dewey 3,286]

I'm closer to 11 months sober than 10, I'm finally starting to actually feel like I have let my resentments go. "To forgive than to be forgiven", all I wanted when I started this journey was to be forgiven, true freedom for.me came when I started to forgive people for the wrongs they had done me, real or not. It started with reading "see yourself in all, and all in you". That created compassion which led to me forgiving. It's a big weight off not being angry, filled with hate, I lead more with my heart and a lot less with my ego. Hurt pride, self pitty, self concern, all those things can be damned.

Today's daily reflection mentions that every human is flawed, just as we are. Look around the world, you see people like Nelson Mandela who was jailed for 27 years, he forgave. Theres a guy who was on death row for 35 years (I think) when his case was overturned and he was released, he was asked why he didnt hate the people who put him on death row, he said " if I am angry and unforgiving, they will take the rest of my life". His name is Anthony Ray Hinton.

[troph 24,798]

I'm closer to 11 months sober than 10, I'm finally starting to actually feel like I have let my resentments go. "To forgive than to be forgiven", all I wanted when I started this journey was to be forgiven, true freedom for.me came when I started to forgive people for the wrongs they had done me, real or not. It started with reading "see yourself in all, and all in you". That created compassion which led to me forgiving. It's a big weight off not being angry, filled with hate, I lead more with my heart and a lot less with my ego. Hurt pride, self pitty, self concern, all those things can be damned.

 

Today's daily reflection mentions that every human is flawed, just as we are. Look around the world, you see people like Nelson Mandela who was jailed for 27 years, he forgave. Theres a guy who was on death row for 35 years (I think) when his case was overturned and he was released, he was asked why he didnt hate the people who put him on death row, he said " if I am angry and unforgiving, they will take the rest of my life". His name is Anthony Ray Hinton.

 

Goddamn that’s powerful stuff. And congrats on 10 months.

[Dertyberd 394]

9 months yesterday on this second go round and its flying by.  I'm not fighting anything this time.  

Surrender has been everything.  I kew my life was unmanageable and came to believe in a power greater than myself the first time so I could get well, stay alive, and not have people mad at me.  This time has truly been a psychic and spiritual change.  I just had to let go of who I thought I wanted to be without alcohol, and be who my higher power has in store for me.  I have no clue what that is yet, but who I am becoming is pretty fucking great.  

I hate that I had to go through crazy again to get here, but I guess that was just in the cards.  Grateful.  

[BearSchlong 8,094]

On 10/21/2018 at 7:41 PM, ernest_t_bass said:

Sorority house?  Rules.

I gotta admit that when I looked at some of her sorority sisters I had the conscious thought "oh she's got daddy issues, how weird would it be to date someone just a year older than my daughter?"  Of course I'm so sick I thought some of the girls were flirting with me cause I'm Maddy's dad, then I realized they were drunk.

[pch 1,259]

2 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

I gotta admit that when I looked at some of her sorority sisters I had the conscious thought "oh she's got daddy issues, how weird would it be to date someone just a year older than my daughter?"  Of course I'm so sick I thought some of the girls were flirting with me cause I'm Maddy's dad, then I realized they were drunk.

Not that any of us have unrealistic expectations or anything. . . .

[JohnnyRage 1,617]

...To be fully present with as much love and balance as I can muster. That is my purpose. If I am suffering from the human condition of selfishness, anger at the world that differs from what is in my head, wanting something that I don't have, fear of not being loved, overthinking my way out - then I am unable to be Present. I am certainly not doing the work of Love and Balance.

If I am being present in love and balance to the best of my abilities then I can have peace knowing that I am in the right place at the right time answering my higher calling. If I can have Peace then can I can have Freedom, freedom from the human condition.

It's in moments like these that I don't even have time to be alcoholic, because alcohol isn't one of my problems. It was just an old solution that didn't work very well, until it ultimately started being my own internal voice and killing me. It's not my time to die.

[Dewey 3,286]

That is why I read every morning, to find the words my brain can not come up with. Then I rest easy and carry those words with me the rest of the day.

[TtomTerrific 200]

picked up a 90 day chip and a sponsee.

what the fuck is happening to me?

[MissingInAction 25,076]

On 10/23/2018 at 5:30 PM, BearSchlong said:

I gotta admit that when I looked at some of her sorority sisters I had the conscious thought "oh she's got daddy issues, how weird would it be to date someone just a year older than my daughter?"  Of course I'm so sick I thought some of the girls were flirting with me cause I'm Maddy's dad, then I realized they were drunk.

PICS or GTFO!

[BearSchlong 8,094]

2 hours ago, TtomTerrific said:

picked up a 90 day chip and a sponsee.

what the fuck is happening to me?

Outstanding, now you get to experience the miracle of sponsorship - just remember that you can't fuck him up any worse than he already is.

Keep those text messages and chip photos coming every 30 days, brother.

 

[JohnnyRage 1,617]

TTom, be the miracle.

[BearSchlong 8,094]

TTom, go ahead and block out the last full weekend in September next year.  You gotta come to our little conference in Brownwood.

Welp boys, this is it.  Getting married this weekend to the girl I started dating 7 years ago who has never seen me drunk.  This week is surreal, I'm taking it moment by moment, really trying to savor the anticipation.  And the chaos that occurs when people from all around the country fly in for this kind of event.

We're going to have about ~100-ish guests, about 35% are sober, 50% are average temperate drinkers, and 15% are probably going to get obliterated but they are familys o I had to invite them. Was walking through my house yesterday and glanced through the door to my home office and started laughing - 7 cases of wine and beer sitting there and my first thought was "I hope the caterer took me seriously when I told her we needed a lot of coffee. . ."

Wow what a different way to live, dammit I'm just so blessed I can't stand it.

Edited October 31, 2018 by BearSchlong

[TtomTerrific 200]

congrats, Will!...("Bear"...sorry, but this is big news)....you two are beautiful people and it's about time!

[pch 1,259]

4 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

TTom, go ahead and block out the last full weekend in September next year.  You gotta come to our little conference in Brownwood.

Welp boys, this is it.  Getting married this weekend to the girl I started dating 7 years ago who has never seen me drunk.  This week is surreal, I'm taking it moment by moment, really trying to savor the anticipation.  And the chaos that occurs when people from all around the country fly in for this kind of event.

We're going to have about ~100-ish guests, about 35% are sober, 50% are average temperate drinkers, and 15% are probably going to get obliterated but they are familys o I had to invite them. Was walking through my house yesterday and glanced through the door to my home office and started laughing - 7 cases of wine and beer sitting there and my first thought was "I hope the caterer took me seriously when I told her we needed a lot of coffee. . ."

Wow what a different way to live, dammit I'm just so blessed I can't stand it.

Enjoy the moment.  The best part of being sober is being able to remember the memorable life moments such as this one.  Congratulations.

[pch 1,259]

The Harbor Club in Ft Worth is having it's annual Celebration of Sobriety gathering this weekend in Ft Worth.  Great speakers, amazing food, and raffles are all a part of this annual gathering that brings groups from all over DFW together.  I attend the 7am meeting here M-F and have enjoyed the past twenty years without a drink.  If you are in the area, check it out.

http://harborclubfw.org/

[Guest]

9 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

TTom, go ahead and block out the last full weekend in September next year.  You gotta come to our little conference in Brownwood.

Welp boys, this is it.  Getting married this weekend to the girl I started dating 7 years ago who has never seen me drunk.  This week is surreal, I'm taking it moment by moment, really trying to savor the anticipation.  And the chaos that occurs when people from all around the country fly in for this kind of event.

We're going to have about ~100-ish guests, about 35% are sober, 50% are average temperate drinkers, and 15% are probably going to get obliterated but they are familys o I had to invite them. Was walking through my house yesterday and glanced through the door to my home office and started laughing - 7 cases of wine and beer sitting there and my first thought was "I hope the caterer took me seriously when I told her we needed a lot of coffee. . ."

Wow what a different way to live, dammit I'm just so blessed I can't stand it.

Congrats big dawg. I got married sober too, it was great.

[Reagan1k 3,024]

BearSchlong  - Best of luck! 

Based on what you've shared about your sweet, stable, happy-go-lucky ex-wife.......I think you deserve this.

Hope you guys have years of happiness!  Godspeed.

[JohnnyRage 1,617]

For your Thanksgiving holiday travel plans...

KCI baggage handler needed a drunk nap, wakes up in Chicago

Japanese pilot 10 times over the allowable limit for flying, arrested pleads guilty

 

I post these not to make fun of  people. I just know how they got there.

[BearSchlong 8,094]

On 11/1/2018 at 7:51 AM, Reagan1k said:

BearSchlong  - Best of luck! 

Based on what you've shared about your sweet, stable, happy-go-lucky ex-wife.......I think you deserve this.

Hope you guys have years of happiness!  Godspeed.

 

Thank you! I can report that getting married sober is something that i hope to cherish forever.  And yes that was Topo Chico in my champagne flute.

[Dertyberd 394]

I'm so fucking grateful to be sober today.  Regardless of the outcome, and the election results will have a direct impact on my employment, I will be fine.  I have been given the gift of serenity and been stripped of worry.  I'm excitable at the moment and alcoholically laser focused on the races that matter to me, but this is just one day.  A fun and anxious, yet fleeting experience that will all end well if I take care of myself, and kick any resentments ass that may try to fuck my world.  The unknown is fun when you've experienced true hopelessness and made it out alive. Much love.  Grateful for those on this board. 

[TtomTerrific 200]

Quote

The unknown is fun when you've experienced true hopelessness and made it out alive

Preach!

[JohnnyRage 1,617]

When I drink I don’t grow. I have limited time and resources to put towards growth. And I was already a late bloomer. 

[Calo 0]

I've never asked for help a day in my life. I've come to realize that I need it.

Any treatment center recommendations in the DFW area would be appreciated.