I'm An Alcoholic

[Charles DeMar 221]

4 months yesterday.  Not a huge number, but I'm very thankful for sobriety. 

 

Lots of good "shares" out there, ztejas, and I think for me the fact that they are not telling you what to do, only giving their story, is the powerful part about the whole program.  If you go to a meeting, I think you'll find the same thing.  "I do not have the same story as you, but if you care to hear it, here's my story."  The level of care, true care, by people I didn't even know, much like this board, astounded me.  I had gotten to the point where I isolated myself in my fears and hurts so much that walking into a room was really scary, but walking out with that support and honest, constructive information was really cool.

I was praying to my higher power nearly nightly to "help me manage this."  In hindsight, the answer was "nope, bubba, you have got to give it ALL to me and give it ALL up."  No half steppin', as they used to say.  Maybe that is not your story, and I wish you all the best.  It's never too late to try something new.

In no way am I in the free and clear, and it is truly a daily decision to choose freedom from the consequences, but I see green shoots in my marriage, in my daily spiritual life, and I have hope. 

My best to you.

[TwiceHorn 31495]

Sounds good, CDM. Keep on truckin. 

 

One thing I will add, the typical Surly hole is going to almost be too smart for the program of AA. You just have to humble yourself enough to do what you are told and live in the moment. Don't freak out about future steps until you get to them. 

Edited December 11, 2018 by TwiceHorn

[Dewey 3286]

Selfishness is blind, thus I was unaware to the pain and suffering I had caused my ex wife, mother, family and friends. I resented a family member for telling my mother I looked unhealthy, he's a doctor, would know. I went from drinking after work to drinking around the clock, my body would wake me and tell me it was time to drink. 3M, 4am, time to drink. I quit cold turkey, I came out of my alcoholic seizure sitting on my toilet with shit everywhere. As much as I hated alcohol at that point, I had to have it, so strong it was, I did 31 days in treatment, every day thinking of my next drink. When I got home, I bought some food, 7up, and a handle of vodka. Spent Christmas by myself, drinking it away, wondering why I cant get that joy I used to have from drinking. A good friend brought me an 18 pack because he didnt want me driving. He also told me I was killing myself, my options were clear he said. Die, go back to the hospital and detox, go to jail and detox there, or go back to treatment. A day later he took me back to treatment and today I'm sober. 11 months and some change. Handled divorce sober, the loss of a dog I had for 15 years, my oldest brother had a stroke and is paralyzed on the left side. I have a part time job, good enough for healthcare, not much else... I get by and I will never go back to drinking. My last days of drinking are as fresh to me as smelling fresh cut fruit. Those feelings do not go away for me, and I make sure they dont. No take backs in life. I'm grateful for today, the friends and family I have. I went from agnostic to a man of faith and spirit and I love it all, every minute, every breath. I would not trade this life for the old, the old life, didnt have a future.

In meetings, you'll probably hear an old timer say he was given the gift of desperation. Sadly, most of us wait for that gift before we take action.

[Dertyberd 394]

Glad you new guys are here.  I'm grateful for everyone in this thread, but especially for you all that are new to this.  Its a brave step to walk in the door and try a different way of life.  You area great reminder of the hopelessness that I once lived. I need that or I will eventually trick myself into believing I don't have this disease.  May you find peace and surrender.  

Thank you to everyone who's kept this board going. It was here when I first needed it and I'm forever grateful.  Happy days, much love.  

[TwiceHorn 31495]

Powerful stuff, Dewey. Glad you are here to share it. 

[Kennythetiger 9389]

2 hours ago, Charles DeMar said:

4 months yesterday.  Not a huge number, but I'm very thankful for sobriety. 

The fuck if it's not.  Great work.

[BearSchlong 8098]

Charles, getting years is easier than getting months - and if you continue to accrue days you'll soon see what I mean by that - I'm way more impressed with 30, 60, 90, 120 days. . .

Dewey, thank you for sharing that - damned dusty in here.

If ANY of you doubt the miracle of recovery then I offer up exhibit A - Owens Davillier.  He started http://thehowcenter.org/ years ago.

Quote

Since opening in 1992, The H.O.W. Center has housed and provided services for over 4000 men. Owens Davillier acquired some abandoned properties from the City of Beaumont and, with community help, renovated the buildings and began to house men in need. The H.O.W. Center provides room and board, three meals a day, telephone, laundry facilities (both necessary for employment), workout room, education center and more. Safety and nutrition are essential for recovering from addictions and we provide these along with the other necessary tools needed for success in this program. The men at The H.O.W. Center learn necessary life-skills to begin rebuilding their lives and becoming self-confident men and productive members of society. The residents are required to work a twelve step program, perform chores, and abide by rules. The H.O.W. Center’s supportive environment helps each resident to strive to be the best they can as sober men.

I'll never forget the first time I met Owens.  I was at my 2nd AA meeting ever at the old West End group in Beaumont, and this old black dude was prattling on about being in Angola prison for shooting a man in the face, and how he got released and was on the streets, then got sober.  I thought to myself "holy shit, what have I done to myself where I have to hang out like guys like this."  I went to my Dad's house and told him about this guy I met and Dad starts grinning and says "the next time you see that guy, you kiss him on the forehead and you tell who you are and that I love him!"  "Dad, you actually know this guy?"  "Yep, he's been like a brother to me for over 20 years."

Later on I learned how he graduated from college and got a Masters degree and then started the HOW center.  This man helped THOUSANDS of alcoholics.  I've got 4 sponsees living there right now, and the cornerstone of my recovery is sitting in the library with a newcomer on Sunday afternoons reading the Big book and taking them through the steps.

Over the years I've known Owens, I've actually taken his suggestions.  He was the one that slapped me with a 12 and 12 and said "boy, turn to page 90 and tell me what is says about the Spiritual axiom!" - from that moment on those words were burned into my soul.

My friend Owens died this morning in a house fire.  https://www.beaumontenterprise.com/news/article/fire-13457037.php#photo-16629469

We're probably going to have to pass the hat to cover his burial expenses, but he's without a doubt the richest man I've ever met where it counts.

[El Diablo 4232]

Fuck man, I'm very sorry to hear that your friend has died, the world could use more Owens.

[BearSchlong 8098]

I was really emotional when I made that post.

Just got off the phone with my good friend the anchorman who is featuring him on the 6pm news.

[Dewey 3286]

My condolences, words do not express my thoughts very well. It seems he finally lived a truely free life and that is a blessing. RIP.

[Pescado_Rojo 19423]

Damn Bear, sorry for your loss. 

 

[JohnnyRage 1617]

This will probably come out wrong, and I apologize. But your friend Owen, with his higher power, left this world in one of the most random and excruciatingly painful ways possible. 

It took me a long time to find a higher power congruent with that reality or with an inncocent child forgotten in the back seat of a car on a literally blistering summer’s day. Or some of you who follow the news might remember a special needs bat boy in Wichita who’s life wish was to grow up to be a baseball player only to die tragically from an accidental blow from a player’s bat taking practice swings while on deck.

I remember bringing up that last anecdote years ago in a meeting at The Gift Of Sobriety in Grand Prairie. A fondly remembered weathered Irish man probably even younger than me without missing a beat quickly retorted, “Well  maybe God needed a bat boy.”

And there it was. So simple.  It was not for me to know or understand.

In this lifetime I will never know or understand if there is a God and why fucked up shit happens. But I have found a higher power that I cannot argue against. A higher purpose that leads me to do to the next right thing. The only thing that I have control over in this world is how I react to the changes in it. It hasn’t always kept me sober, but it has granted me a pathway for a new way of living, hope, and relief.

Thank you to the founder’s for this ingenious choice.

[JohnnyRage 1617]

Although I will admit that it took me a couple more years to process.

This is just my momentary acceptance and understanding. I do not mean to step up on anyone else's beliefs. But I hope it may be of some help to those who still wrestle as I once did.

[BearSchlong 8098]

Johnny those are good posts.

One reason I like the 7th step prayer is the way it begins. "My Creator, I am now willing. . ."

It doesn't say "God who protects me from discomfort while arbitrarily allowing others to suffer. . ."

My concept of a higher power is essentially a cosmic entity that created humanity and then let's us spin merrily through existence.

The creator dovetails nicely with what I've been taught in my Presbyterian bible study. If I'm saved by grace through faith, and I can't earn my way into heaven, then why in the world do i even try to help others? The answer is that God prepares and equips us to do good acts. But then again I'm an eternal optimist.

I just hope he died as painlessly as possible and not like those dudes in Raiders of the lost ark whose skin melted.

My buddy the anchorman did a nice job of pivoting from "elderly man dies in a fire" to "well respected community leader helped those afflicted with alcohol and drug addiction, was well loved, mourned by many" of course his story was proceeded by "US Marshals complete sweep, arresting 22 bad motherfuckers including gang members."

At my book study meeting tonight I was on the smokers porch with a few old timers sharing stories. We were telling the half dozen new guys who live at the halfway house that didn't know him "he retired years ago, he died today but when you go to sleep tonight you're sleeping under the roof that he built, sober safe and sound.

Role models and heroes sometimes come from the most unlikely unconventional places.

[Charles DeMar 221]

Sorry for your loss, BearSchlong (handle makes me laugh), and thank you for sharing that.  Powerful.  I can picture the faces and know some of the names of those that have walked the walk before me and I can imagine the pain and simultaneous gratitude associated with such a loss.  

 

The "easier to get years than days" quote has bounced around rooms I've been in, and I must admit, I don't yet get it.  God willing, it will make sense to me someday.

 

Really appreciate all the knowledge and sharing on this board.  That cunning allergy got into my head this morning, and ... in rigorous honesty, I let it bounce around a bit.  Daily choice to be free, and today is the day to work it.

 

Thanks again to all.

[pch 1259]

On 12/10/2018 at 7:33 PM, TwiceHorn said:

Also to PCH again IIRC. 

4/28/98, but thanks for the kind thoughts.

 

[ETHorn 15]

Interesting thread.  I had a six pack (abs) at 40 with a hot wife, successful company, and beautiful kids.  At 50 I have gained 70 lbs, am divorcing because my wife doesn't want to hang around any more, and am selling my house due to the divorce.  I drink every damn day and look and feel like shit.  I would double my pay if I didn't drink.  I'm going to try to do something tomorrow because I'm already several drinks in...but actually motivated not to have any more tonight. 

[JohnnyRage 1617]

You hopefully have half your life left. Live it healthfully. Be rational, take 6 months off and your life will get bet better.

 

We on the other hand are not rational. We have bat shit insane thoughts when it come to being able to control our drinking.

 

 

Edited December 13, 2018 by JohnnyRage

[gasman 114]

Glad you are doing something about it ETHorn. I remember my last drunk like it was yesterday. I sat on the couch and thought "I just can't do this anymore. How in the hell did I end up here?" I downloaded a copy of the AA Big Book the next morning. I kept finding myself on every page I read. The following morning I was at my first AA meeting. That was a year and 10 months ago. Best decision I ever made. Good luck man. Keep us posted. 

Edited December 13, 2018 by gasman
.

[Dewey 3286]

You hopefully have half your life left. Live it healthfully. Be rational, take 6 months off and your life will get bet better.
 
We on the other hand are not rational. We have bat shit insane thoughts when it come to being able to control our drinking.
 
 

Insane thoughts on trying to control everything.

Renounce and enjoy

[JohnnyRage 1617]

Off topic, but I can't get anyone to 'like' this on my FacePlant page...maybe someone can identify with this

 

 

[Kennythetiger 9389]

Good morning, ET.  How's it going today?

[ETHorn 15]

Pretty good.  Hanging in there.

[Reagan1k 3024]

11 hours ago, ETHorn said:

Pretty good.  Hanging in there.

Hopefully that will morph into “really good. I’m enjoying my life.”  

I’m prayerful that your decision will turn things around for you and you can put the drinking behind you. 

If you find that you can’t control your drinking AND stay sane, there’s always a light on in the last house on the block. 

[El Diablo 4232]

Some things never change. I went to a holiday dinner tonight at the assisted living center where my mom is a resident and they had an open bar. Bottles and bottles of booze just sitting there where anyone could grab one if they were so inclined. I don't know what I'd do with it but yeah, the thought crossed my mind because that's how my mind works.

Kinda gave me flashbacks to when I was 16 and new to the game. I was working at an upscale ladies shoe store part time after school stocking the shelves. The sales people were old but they threw a helluva Christmas party. That was probably the first time I ever had a full bottle of booze all to myself. There was a lot left over from the party and my boss sent me home with a couple 5ths. Jeezus, lol. 

[BearSchlong 8098]

I've heard that in order to relapse, I have to work the steps backwards.  For example, if I'm not helping fellow alkys, there goes step 12.  No conscious contact with God?  Bye Bye Step 11.  No daily inventory? Sayonara 10, and so on and so on.  Until I "un-work" step 1, i.e. after the 1st thought ("Hey, Booze!!!11!") there is no second thought ("now let's take a moment to think through what would happen if I were to pick up that drink.")

Of course the thought is going to cross your mind, but it's the 2nd thought that is the most important.  I can't tell you how many times I've sat across from my wife at dinner while she sips a glass of wine or a single cocktail and had that 2nd thought, because for someone like me if that 2nd thought doesn't come, then I'm back in pure insanity.

Honestly, I am a little bit hyperfocused on the 1st step all of the time because the thought of taking a drink just seems so absurd to me.

[TtomTerrific 200]

man....that Owen from the Wed. night meetings?

 

oh, .....no.....

 

 

 

[David Dennison 18922]

On 12/14/2018 at 1:34 PM, BearSchlong said:

I've heard that in order to relapse, I have to work the steps backwards.  For example, if I'm not helping fellow alkys, there goes step 12.  No conscious contact with God?  Bye Bye Step 11.  No daily inventory? Sayonara 10, and so on and so on.  Until I "un-work" step 1, i.e. after the 1st thought ("Hey, Booze!!!11!") there is no second thought ("now let's take a moment to think through what would happen if I were to pick up that drink.")

Of course the thought is going to cross your mind, but it's the 2nd thought that is the most important.  I can't tell you how many times I've sat across from my wife at dinner while she sips a glass of wine or a single cocktail and had that 2nd thought, because for someone like me if that 2nd thought doesn't come, then I'm back in pure insanity.

Honestly, I am a little bit hyperfocused on the 1st step all of the time because the thought of taking a drink just seems so absurd to me.

Man, I must be lucky. I quit drinking ten years ago after a 23 love affair with alcohol that started when I was 15. Whenever I'm around alcohol or others who are drinking, I feel no urge to partake. Ever. 

I feel for everyone who has to fight the urge to pick up their next drink, and I applaud those who make the effort. Reading all of these stories, I know it must be tough. 

Props to all of you and best of luck to those who are struggling.

[BearSchlong 8098]

man....that Owen from the Wed. night meetings?
 
oh, .....no.....
 
 
 

One and the same.

[Celery Man 20966]

I don't get the urge to drink anymore, except maybe a weird one every blue moon.  This goes to the "months are harder than years" thing.  I have no doubt that I could be hit in a perfect storm moment of weakness and craving, but in my day to day life it isn't a thing that comes up for me.  If it does, or if I'm having a shitty night with anger and resentment, I have to get to a meeting.

I'm not the best/most rigorous AA adherent and so I typically try not to push my views in that arena too hard, but (as to Bear's last sentence on his focusedness on the 1st step a few posts above), I think people rush past the 1st step way too fast.  You need to think about it, fully understand it, what it means to you, integrate it into your person.  And it's not that you have a problem, it's that you are powerless.  You can't beat it - the only winning move is to not play.  You can't fix yourself vis a vis alcohol, you have been defeated.  You are not the same as others, you it won't turn out differently for you this time, it only goes one place, and in that place you have no power.  You can't drink any more than you can't not breathe air.

watched Home Alone last night.  I think there are some nuggets of use in here, with Culkin's basement analogy.  Also, I wonder if old man Marley used to drink

 

[Reagan1k 3024]

On 12/14/2018 at 1:34 PM, BearSchlong said:

Honestly, I am a little bit hyperfocused on the 1st step all of the time because the thought of taking a drink just seems so absurd to me.

I’ve got a number of normal  drinkers in my life and observing them drinking is a great way for me to stay in tune with my 1st step.  I’m the polar opposite.  

For them, alcohol is a distant acquaintance they pass  in the street, greet and move on without another thought.  For me a drink is an abusive spouse with whom I’m codependent.  If I engage even for a second I’m getting punched in the face and tangled up in a mess from which I can’t get free. 

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

Great discussion. For anyone who's relatively young and/or hasn't hit that gigantic facial tattoo of a warning sign yet (e.g., killing someone driving drunk), the thing to keep in mind about stopping is that a lot of us think at some point "I definitely drink more than anyone else, may be a problem drinker, might even be an alcoholic, but I'm not ready to quit so I'll just keep going until The Time Is Right". CeleryMan made reference to this. 

That thinking involves a powerful delusion, though, namely the idea that your drinking is like gingerly feeling your way down a staircase in the dark but doing so with a tight grasp on the banister and hell you're OK to keep descending at this rate. That all seems really good until your drunk ass wildly misses a step and goes tumbling down three flights, landing in a bloody heap. 

That last paragraph may be metaphorical for you, or literal.

Either way my point is, where you TELL yourself you'll get off is only nominally a matter of choice. If you are like me, you'll blow through a whole bunch of things you swore you'd "never" do before you reach your stopping point, because  I went from thinking who wants to chug warm vodka at 630 in the morning? to I better chug this warm vodka at 630 in the morning or I'm going to die. And I did that fully expecting that the heroic moment where I reached Total Clarity and knew I had to quit was right around the corner.... but wasn't today, of course. 

Right now, there are thousands of alcoholics in America who did not set out last night to get arrested for felony DUI or kill someone in a car crash or beat their wife or children or God knows what else, but did those things because their physically warped frontal cortexes and even more warped moral centers put them in a place where the awful, destructive, and painful drinking that was about to cause those calamities still seemed like the drinking they'd fallen in love with. 

I wish I'd quit sooner, but I'm grateful to have quit at all. I didn't quit before my alcoholism became a pathology that still tells me "it wouldn't be that bad to live under a bridge, if you could drink the way you want to, all the time." So I have to be ever vigilant that the conscious part of my brain greets that subconscious sales pitch with a hearty FUCK YOU BRAIN, because if it doesn't, I am one good drunk away from being a drag rat. 

[BearSchlong 8098]

I’ve got a number of normal  drinkers in my life and observing them drinking is a great way for me to stay in tune with my 1st step.  I’m the polar opposite.  
For them, alcohol is a distant acquaintance they pass  in the street, greet and move on without another thought.  For me a drink is an abusive spouse with whom I’m codependent.  If I engage even for a second I’m getting punched in the face and tangled up in a mess from which I can’t get free. 

I've mentioned him before but my stepbrother is a perfect example. VP of a Beer company. Works 60 hours a week focused on beer, private jet to various breweries, conferences, etc.and then spends all his remaining time being an incredible husband and father. Beer tastings are just that - tastings.

He's an alien, I'm sure of it.

[Round Rock Horn 32]

Why is  the responsible person always looked at as the asshole?  My brother has been an active alcoholic all of his adult life.  He is currently going thru a nasty divorce, felony assault  charge looming over him and not worked in 10 years.  Earlier this year as the assault charge was coming down he asked my Mother if she would help him get into rehab.  After he completed rehab and IOP  I was asked if he could use one of my company's non branded Tahoe's while he was getting back on his feet.  My wife and I discussed it and decided that if he followed certain conditions he could borrow the truck.  First, He would have to pay his own insurance.  Second, no drinking. Third, be working the steps.  Forth, be actively looking for a job.  Fifth, if he did not comply with these conditions he would lose the truck and a relationship with us.  Everything was going great until the weekend before Halloween.  He was in an accident and hit 2 parked cars in Chuy's Round Rock parking lot.  The evening of the accident I get a call from my Mom that (his words) he blacked out and was in Willco jail and we could come pick him up now.  Things did not add up so I called a friend who has access to Willco booking computer and get the charge: DWI 3rd.  Come to find out from my insurance company that before the cops showed up he tried to pass himself off as me and gave the other drivers an expired USAA insurance card. He had Geico.   USAA also told me his BAC .273.  He did about $7500 in damage to my car and about $10,000 to each of the other cars as well.  The next week in one last attempt to help I went to Dallas to take him back to rehab and he basically shut the door in my face.  I told him as i was leaving that until he worked the 9th step I was going to be out of his life.  So now we are at Christmas and every year we invite the whole family to our house Christmas night for dinner.  My Mom feels that my brother should be included because his son will be at the dinner and he's currently sober.  I don't and won't invite him.  I have been thru Al-Anon and if I don't detach with love I would just be contributing to his problems.  Sorry if this is the wrong thread for this post its just so frustrating when you can look at the user and the enabler and watch things keep getting worse. Thanks for letting me rant.

[Dewey 3286]

I'd leave him be,.that's just me. Sounds like he is still is clinging to a notion that if he just tweaks some things, his way will work and everyone will be so happy for him. Sad state. Sorry homie, keep on with the tough love

[Kennythetiger 9389]

Like Dewey said, I'd just leave him alone.  If son is currently sober, that's great.  He probably doesn't need his dad and all of dad's issues at Christmas dinner.  

[ztejas 43475]

Thanks to everyone that's replied/mentioned me in this thread. Also for the non ztejas contributions - got pretty emotional reading through some of y'all's stories at work today (not tampon emotional, more of "shit that's making me tear up"). The bat-boy line from @JohnnyRage really got to me on an existential level. 

Lately I've been trying to string days together more than anything. I know if I could just get over the 3-4 week hump I'd look and feel a lot better on the level. I don't drink every day, but mentally and even physically I'm in this weird place where some days I feel great if I didn't drink the day before, but some days I feel like shit and get really depressed at night if I try and stay stone-cold sober.  

Unfortunately I plan on getting prettydrunk a couple of times in NOLA, but thinking I'll try and set some "rules" up beforehand so I don't wind up face down on the concrete or in handcuffs. I think the fact that I'm concerned about it ahead of time will hopefully lead me to make better decisions while I'm there. In the meantime, I'd like to keep it to maybe 2-3 nights a week and less than 5 drinks at a time. For the first time EVER I've found that (at times) I can have 2-3 drinks, cut myself off, and not have that insatiable itch to down the bottle or go looking for more. But that itch is still there.

I think what I'm struggling with the most and continue to struggle with is the concept of hanging it up and never drinking again. Not having a glass of wine with a nice meal, not having a beer with an old friend, not having a night cap with pops at a family gathering. 

I'd like to get to a meeting at some-point - I'm in the Preston Hollow area in Dallas if anyone wants to PM me a suggestion for a meeting spot close by. 

Cheers and Happy Holidays. Definitely not an easy time of the year to battle alcoholism. 

[Celery Man 20966]

a) Round Rock - you do what you feel is right and you are a million percent justified.  I didn't hear the part in that story where he's been sober since the incident and is making payments on the damage or whatever etc - shit even if that was the case, that is fresh.  Do you, you've given him a lot of forgiveness.  I would probably tell your mom that it's between the two of y'all and she can't patch things up for him to get him at the table for Christmas.  That's not a suggestion, just what I kinda feel and your brother sounds like he needs more consequences, sad as that may be.

 

z - watch out for your cornhole, maybe drink some topo chicos while you're in NOLA, if at least to pace yourself.  One of the bigger "ah... goddammit" moments for me in the big book was reading in chapter... 3 maybe when it's just talking about how every single alcoholic has fantasies about fixing their drinking.  That was supposed to be my secret.  Tough to think about doing that when you're in your twenties.  I drink club soda with a twist of lime when I'm at a bar and I don't want to stand out.

[TwiceHorn 31495]

Yeah, I hate to say it ztejas, but your post pretty well illustrates or describes alcoholic insanity (the discomfort when not drinking) and the bargaining and "deal-cutting" probably all of us engaged in at the end times, on the eve of our sobriety, even if initially abortive.

[BearSchlong 8098]

RR wow. If someone gives you grief then you should just ask them why they are hell bent on killing him slowly. I'm afraid your mom is actually the problem here.

 

Tejas, average temperate non alcoholic drinkers dont obsess over alcohol. At all. Also the Preston group of AA is very good from what I've heard.

My sobriety date is Jan 21. . .that last Christmas season was a real corker. I almost got arrested for assaulting a bartender who cut me off on NYE 2011.

[Al_4_ISU 12464]

15 hours ago, ztejas said:

Thanks to everyone that's replied/mentioned me in this thread. Also for the non ztejas contributions - got pretty emotional reading through some of y'all's stories at work today (not tampon emotional, more of "shit that's making me tear up"). The bat-boy line from @JohnnyRage really got to me on an existential level. 

Lately I've been trying to string days together more than anything. I know if I could just get over the 3-4 week hump I'd look and feel a lot better on the level. I don't drink every day, but mentally and even physically I'm in this weird place where some days I feel great if I didn't drink the day before, but some days I feel like shit and get really depressed at night if I try and stay stone-cold sober.  

Unfortunately I plan on getting prettydrunk a couple of times in NOLA, but thinking I'll try and set some "rules" up beforehand so I don't wind up face down on the concrete or in handcuffs. I think the fact that I'm concerned about it ahead of time will hopefully lead me to make better decisions while I'm there. In the meantime, I'd like to keep it to maybe 2-3 nights a week and less than 5 drinks at a time. For the first time EVER I've found that (at times) I can have 2-3 drinks, cut myself off, and not have that insatiable itch to down the bottle or go looking for more. But that itch is still there.

I think what I'm struggling with the most and continue to struggle with is the concept of hanging it up and never drinking again. Not having a glass of wine with a nice meal, not having a beer with an old friend, not having a night cap with pops at a family gathering. 

I'd like to get to a meeting at some-point - I'm in the Preston Hollow area in Dallas if anyone wants to PM me a suggestion for a meeting spot close by. 

Cheers and Happy Holidays. Definitely not an easy time of the year to battle alcoholism. 

I tempered my drinking about 2-3 years ago.  I was hitting it pretty hard, and had yet to experience any consequence (I've never been a drunk driver, get violent/angry or anything like that), but my wife was getting concerned that I was heading down the road.  She didn't think I was an alcoholic, as normally I would have 1-3 or drinks per day and cut it off (during the week - I hate working hungover), but on the weekend I would hammer it down pretty hard.  This culminated in me staying out until 4-5AM, passing out on the toilet, and trying to flush a decorative hand towel the night after an Iowa/Iowa State game.  

I quit cold turkey for awhile and found it wasn't a big deal at all.  During that time, I went to a therapist, open to the possibility that maybe I was an alcoholic.  The therapist came to the conclusion that I wasn't an alcoholic, but had developed a habit of using booze to cope with stress.  My wife and I had been in a rough patch related to both of us working like crazy, and not being aligned about having children, and rather than actually talk to anyone about it (German Catholic), I was just trying to numb my brain when I was freed from responsibilities.  Because I live in place where almost everyone drinks, and most fairly heavily, it never really stood out to anyone other than my wife and brother (who had left the area).  I'm not a mean, angry, or even reckless drunk, so people never really gave it much thought.

Not drinking doesn't bum me out, I found.  I guess I don't really have the "itch".  I don't obsess over it.  I started drinking again, and it's in the normal fashion.  The amount of thought I give to obtaining and consuming alcohol is low (it never was all that high - it was more of a reflex).  Sometimes I go weeks without having anything (particularly when in the field), and sometimes I tie one on (see San Antonio next week).  It was never hard for me to shut it off in the past, there were just times where I wanted to just completely shut off the noise and leaned on the bottle to do it.  I could control it, and deliberately chose not to, for stupid reasons.  Once I learned to break myself of that coping mechanism (via therapy) and adopt healthier ones (exercise is the big one), I've found myself not even wanting to drink when I'm pissed off or depressed, and when I do drink, it's a celebratory event with friends.

Rambling bullshit aside, try quitting for a bit, and combine it with therapy.  You might find that booze is something you can control and engage with in a normative fashion.  You might not.  The most important thing you'll learn is what life without it feels like again.  I found it was pretty pleasant and if the day came where I had to drop it, I don't think I would miss it that much at all. I believe it is possible for many people who are abusing alcohol, but not dependent on it, to pull back the reigns and maintain a functional relationship with booze.  Obviously this isn't the case for everyone, but you can't know where you stand until you're willing to really look into it.   Good luck!

Edited December 21, 2018 by Al_4_ISU

[TwiceHorn 31495]

And, happy to say it, Al's post reflects a hard drinker with semi-rational reasons for drinking, few consequences, and the ability to moderate/quit.  In other words what most of us hoped to be and were not.

[Al_4_ISU 12464]

17 hours ago, Round Rock Horn said:

Why is  the responsible person always looked at as the asshole?  My brother has been an active alcoholic all of his adult life.  He is currently going thru a nasty divorce, felony assault  charge looming over him and not worked in 10 years.  Earlier this year as the assault charge was coming down he asked my Mother if she would help him get into rehab.  After he completed rehab and IOP  I was asked if he could use one of my company's non branded Tahoe's while he was getting back on his feet.  My wife and I discussed it and decided that if he followed certain conditions he could borrow the truck.  First, He would have to pay his own insurance.  Second, no drinking. Third, be working the steps.  Forth, be actively looking for a job.  Fifth, if he did not comply with these conditions he would lose the truck and a relationship with us.  Everything was going great until the weekend before Halloween.  He was in an accident and hit 2 parked cars in Chuy's Round Rock parking lot.  The evening of the accident I get a call from my Mom that (his words) he blacked out and was in Willco jail and we could come pick him up now.  Things did not add up so I called a friend who has access to Willco booking computer and get the charge: DWI 3rd.  Come to find out from my insurance company that before the cops showed up he tried to pass himself off as me and gave the other drivers an expired USAA insurance card. He had Geico.   USAA also told me his BAC .273.  He did about $7500 in damage to my car and about $10,000 to each of the other cars as well.  The next week in one last attempt to help I went to Dallas to take him back to rehab and he basically shut the door in my face.  I told him as i was leaving that until he worked the 9th step I was going to be out of his life.  So now we are at Christmas and every year we invite the whole family to our house Christmas night for dinner.  My Mom feels that my brother should be included because his son will be at the dinner and he's currently sober.  I don't and won't invite him.  I have been thru Al-Anon and if I don't detach with love I would just be contributing to his problems.  Sorry if this is the wrong thread for this post its just so frustrating when you can look at the user and the enabler and watch things keep getting worse. Thanks for letting me rant.

A lot of parents are simply incapable of holding their children accountable for anything.  This sounds like a much wilder version of my wife's family.  Her brother is an unemployed 27 year old pothead who lives at home.  He's been convicted (got deferred judgment) for possession with intent to deliver when he was 19.  About 3 years ago he got an alcohol OWI and possession of weed within an 8 week period.  I'm 100% pro-legalization and see very little wrong with smoking weed, but when he didn't have his license, my MIL would drive him to his dealer's.  Within a day of any mistake he's made, they're justifying and excusing it.  It was that way when he was younger, and they've made a monster.  I remember one of the first family events I attended with my wife, and he (still a teenager) was yelling at their grandma in a shockingly disrespectful fashion.  I would have gotten my ass whooped if I did something like that, but there was no consequence.  He just got yelled at.

Any time I suggest that he should try to get out of the house, work, and better himself, I'm an asshole who has always hated him.  I can relate on a milder level.

[Al_4_ISU 12464]

1 minute ago, TwiceHorn said:

And, happy to say it, Al's post reflects a hard drinker with semi-rational reasons for drinking, few consequences, and the ability to moderate/quit.  In other words what most of us hoped to be and were not.

TBH, I'm glad my wife said something before it got to that point.  I like to drink.  Most of my friends and family like to drink - it's always around.  I love craft beer.  I brew with friends, and have two world class breweries within 20 minutes of my home.  I don't want to never drink again.  But if I didn't slow down and change what I was doing, I might have done something stupid that hurt someone.  I like to drink, but I don't like drinking more than I like being able to sleep at night not carrying that weight and guilt. 

I also don't know that I would have been able to do it without therapy.  I needed honest, objective, third party insight about what I was doing, and more importantly WHY I was doing it.  @ztejas if your alcohol use is increasing (like mine was at that point in time - I was drinking less than college, but more than any previous point in my "adult" life), there's probably something driving it, and I'd wager it's better to figure that out sooner than later.

The best example of how it became reflexive was my nightly stop at the gas station on my way home from the farm to pick up a tall boy.  A lot of weeknights that was my only drink.  But for at least a year, I stopped every single day after I left the farm and nursed that baby on the way home.  It was my routine.  I can't remember the last time I stopped at the gas station and grabbed one for the road.  That's just not part of my mental lexicon these days.

[ETHorn 15]

4 minutes ago, Al_4_ISU said:

TBH, I'm glad my wife said something before it got to that point.  I like to drink.  Most of my friends and family like to drink - it's always around.  I love craft beer.  I brew with friends, and have two world class breweries within 20 minutes of my home.  I don't want to never drink again.  But if I didn't slow down and change what I was doing, I might have done something stupid that hurt someone.  I like to drink, but I don't like drinking more than I like being able to sleep at night not carrying that weight and guilt. 

I also don't know that I would have been able to do it without therapy.  I needed honest, objective, third party insight about what I was doing, and more importantly WHY I was doing it.  @ztejas if your alcohol use is increasing (like mine was at that point in time - I was drinking less than college, but more than any previous point in my "adult" life), there's probably something driving it, and I'd wager it's better to figure that out sooner than later.

The best example of how it became reflexive was my nightly stop at the gas station on my way home from the farm to pick up a tall boy.  A lot of weeknights that was my only drink.  But for at least a year, I stopped every single day after I left the farm and nursed that baby on the way home.  It was my routine.  I can't remember the last time I stopped at the gas station and grabbed one for the road.  That's just not part of my mental lexicon these days.

I have slowed WAY down since I posted on this thread earlier.  I walked into the convenience store this morning to buy a can of Copenhagen (something else I need to stop) and instinctively walked straight to the beer cooler.  I don't really have any cravings thankfully which I am shocked about, but it made me feel kind of pathetic that I had trained myself to head to the beer without even thinking about it.  Glad I turned around.

[Elvis 3371]

Confession:  I start drinking vodka everyday by noon if not before.  I continue to do my job well and fulfill all of my obligations.  I'm mostly worried about my liver right now as my 40th bday is next week.  The daily drinking is mainly to beat the shakes, and it doesn't bring me any joy.  Add that to the holidays and I'm definitely going to burn out before I rust out.  I just made a drink as I finished reading this thread.  

[ETHorn 15]

I feel you brother.  I hadn't gone on a sales call or attended a meeting without having some amount of alcohol in my system for years.  Thought I was highly functional, but I just finalized my divorce yesterday, am closing on the sell of my beloved home next week, etc.  That shit will overtake you mentally, emotionally, and physically.  It's almost funny, but the first step I took was posting about my situation on Surly.  I obviously have a long way to go, but I have lost 10 freaking pounds already.  I haven't been worried about getting pulled over in a few weeks.  Shit I feel awesome right now.  Just hope it's permanent.  I also talked to some friends who have cleaned up and "confessed" to them which seemed to help.

[Elvis 3371]

The thing is that no one wants me to quit drinking, just not die of drinking.  I'm fun Bobby!  I honestly don't remember what it's like to live without alcohol since I was probably 14.  When I think about quitting I can't even understand who that sober version of me would be.  He has never existed.  

[ETHorn 15]

These other guys know a hell of a lot more than me,  but losing my marriage and home kicked me in the ass.  Again, I hope it sticks.  I am pretty damn focused on changing my life right now.

[Dewey 3286]

When I think about quitting I can't even understand who that sober version of me would be.  He has never existed.  

That person would look like you still, just healthier and with a peace of mind. I started when I was 13, probably at 15, every difficult situation was handled with alcohol. Stopped at 41, will be a year early January.

Start drinking vodka at noon? I was up at 3 or 4 am straight tequila, whiskey, whatever. Sometimes a mixer was soda or tang if it was around. Beer through out the day. Towards the end I hated every drop, but couldn't stop, didnt see a way out. Guidance from some good folks and me buying in 100%. I was going to die, so I figured I'd give sobriety a chance.