I'm An Alcoholic

[TwiceHorn 31495]

First things first, Elvis.  Stopping drinking cold turkey will be physically dangerous for you,  You must detox under medical supervision.  It has that potential for everyone,but if you are warding off the shakes on a daily basis, it is more likely than not for you.

[gasman 114]

1 minute ago, TwiceHorn said:

First things first, Elvis.  Stopping drinking cold turkey will be physically dangerous for you,  You must detox under medical supervision.  It has that potential for everyone,but if you are warding off the shakes on a daily basis, it is more likely than not for you.

I was just about to post this. Detoxing on your own can kill you. Call your doctor, go to the ER, something. 

For everyone in the initial stages of contemplating stopping, I can only tell you that I could not wrap my brain around it at first either. I was finally beaten into submission. There is a pretty amazing life on the other side of this thing. You only have to be open to the possibility. 

[El Diablo 4232]

9 minutes ago, TwiceHorn said:

First things first, Elvis.  Stopping drinking cold turkey will be physically dangerous for you,  You must detox under medical supervision.  It has that potential for everyone,but if you are warding off the shakes on a daily basis, it is more likely than not for you.

Yeah, I took myself to the ER. Told them what was up, that I was kicking the booze. I showed up there on a Friday evening. I had planned this by the way, it was time. Anyway, they kept me 3 days and then discharged me with a prescription of Librium. I remember waking up one night there and there was quite a bit of activity, taking blood etc.. I asked about it the next day and they said my BP had dropped way down, dangerously low. Glad I was there.

[Reagan1k 3024]

8 hours ago, Elvis said:

I continue to do my job well and fulfill all of my obligations. 

Elvis - I said the same thing and decided I was a "functional alcoholic" and could manage my drinking.  I envisioned myself as the gentleman drinker sipping whiskey each night before drifting off to sleep.

There were two problems with that....1) I was the only person that still considered myself functional and thought I was doing my job well and managing my life properly and 2) I did not recognize that alcoholism is a progressive disease and there is no status quo....If I continue to drink I'm steadily getting worse.   That's both physically and mentally.

My disease will lie to me at every turn....tells me it's not so bad...tells me everyone likes the buzzed Reagan....tells me everyone else drinks like me...tells me I'm controlling it just fine...tells me I can stop if it REALLY gets bad enough.

The disease is literally a voice in my head that is terrified I might say last call for real and it will do anything it can to keep the taps flowing.

I hope you can get stopped and stay stopped.  This disease is a life or death deal.  Ponder the advice given above by Twice and others.....get some help.  It will save your life.  If you are like me, it will also return to you a saved life that is more wonderful than my disease would permit me to envision was possible.

 

[ztejas 43475]

12 hours ago, Elvis said:

Confession:  I start drinking vodka everyday by noon if not before.  I continue to do my job well and fulfill all of my obligations.  I'm mostly worried about my liver right now as my 40th bday is next week.  The daily drinking is mainly to beat the shakes, and it doesn't bring me any joy.  Add that to the holidays and I'm definitely going to burn out before I rust out.  I just made a drink as I finished reading this thread.  

 

3 hours ago, Reagan1k said:

Elvis - I said the same thing and decided I was a "functional alcoholic" and could manage my drinking.  I envisioned myself as the gentleman drinker sipping whiskey each night before drifting off to sleep.

There were two problems with that....1) I was the only person that still considered myself functional and thought I was doing my job well and managing my life properly and 2) I did not recognize that alcoholism is a progressive disease and there is no status quo....If I continue to drink I'm steadily getting worse.   That's both physically and mentally.

My disease will lie to me at every turn....tells me it's not so bad...tells me everyone likes the buzzed Reagan....tells me everyone else drinks like me...tells me I'm controlling it just fine...tells me I can stop if it REALLY gets bad enough.

The disease is literally a voice in my head that is terrified I might say last call for real and it will do anything it can to keep the taps flowing.

I hope you can get stopped and stay stopped.  This disease is a life or death deal.  Ponder the advice given above by Twice and others.....get some help.  It will save your life.  If you are like me, it will also return to you a saved life that is more wonderful than my disease would permit me to envision was possible.

 

I know I'm a youngin, but to piggyback on some other takes - doing your job well and fulfilling obligations seems like only half of the puzzle. If you are drinking enough to "beat the shakes" (which, fortunately is a situation I have yet to be in) I think your physical health is more of a concern than your functioning, adult life (on the surface).

BTW - to lend myself some credence, I did 7 months in a peer-assisted sobriety group my senior year of high school. I've had a lot of exposure to the 12 steps and horror stories and the like. I don't want to come across as some know-it-all douchebag that's never ventured into the "get sober" ideology. I feel blessed to be as aware as I am about the disease at such a young age. 

Not trying to give advice or lay down the law or anything like that, but there are definitely some things that I have picked up in my 23 years that others have maybe not been as fortunate enough to experience at the same age.

I am also a google/wikipedia warrior and try to understand as much of the biology and chemistry as I can. As @TwiceHorn pointed out, alcohol is one of a very limited number of drugs that will literally kill you if you stop cold turkey. I don't think there is anything wrong with seeking professional help. I'm not to the point where I need that but I am definitely at a point where if I don't handle my shit I could get there pretty damn quickly. 

Much love to all in this thread and Happy Holidays and God Bless (or higher power bless or Happy Hanukkah,  wev the fuck, y'all catch my drift).

IMHO this is easily the best thread on this site. 

Cheers.

[JohnnyRage 1617]

Self-knowledge is worth fuckall when in the throes of an active addiction bender, as is will power. It’s more like a throw of the dice, and only one of those lands on no consequences. If you include healthfulness then I would argue none of them.

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

22 hours ago, Elvis said:

Confession:  I start drinking vodka everyday by noon if not before.  I continue to do my job well and fulfill all of my obligations.  I'm mostly worried about my liver right now as my 40th bday is next week.  The daily drinking is mainly to beat the shakes, and it doesn't bring me any joy.  Add that to the holidays and I'm definitely going to burn out before I rust out.  I just made a drink as I finished reading this thread.  

I'm 41 and have been an alcoholic since my first drink at 12 or 13. I knew it and never really had the denial stage. All my friends knew it, but they were all heavy drinkers in high school, college and then into their early 20's, where most of them cut back to normal people drinkers. Probably 25% of us who were true alcoholics didn't and most stopped and started going to meetings because they knew and accepted what they are. I knew it  about myself but didn't care.

I, like you, was the fun guy at the party, until I got into my 30s and became completely reclusive and wanted to be at my house alone, with a bottle of jameson and a pack of  cigarettes.  That is what I  loved. Every night. That is what I thought I loved, but I was in denial about that being my happy place.  I was miserable and hated people. I would go weeks without seeing people besides giving someone money at the liquor store checkout. That is what I became after being a social person all my life.

I didn't have friends besides the ones I grew up with,  but I didn't live in the same state as any of them or any family and that was partly by alcoholic design even though I didn't acknowledge that part of the equation. Around 30 I started getting regular, routine check ups at the doctor and lied to him about my drinking. My liver counts were bad and an ultrasound showed I had fatty liver. I knew what it was and what it was from and I didn't care. I had a bottle waiting for me at home, so fucking hurry up doc, I gotta get out of here.

This all continued for ten years with a couple half-assed efforts of stopping. So this past summer I fell a couple times and couldn't get up. I couldn't get out of bed for 3 days even to make it to the bathroom, so you can imagine what that looked like. Just 3 bottles of whiskey and covered in my own waste. My buddy, who is also an alcoholic found me and called an ambulance. I was straight with the ER people about everything. They did all the tests and I had a good idea what was coming next. It was full on cirrhosis. 

 

So there it was and I knew I was killing myself and I wasn't suicidal, I just couldn't and didn't want to stop. But I deep down knew my life would be so much better if I did because I wasn't myself and hadn't been in 15 years. My 7 year old niece told me she had never seen me smile and that crushed me. So oddly enough, when they told me I had an irreversible liver disease that would most likely kill me, I wasn't scared, I was strangely relieved because I knew that was the only thing that would make me stop and stopping was the only thing that would make me happy.

So today is 228 days without a drink and I'm a different person. Completely different. I'm happy and energetic all the time. I don't get irritated with everything and everyone. It's almost like living in a happy, zen type place that I never knew was in my makeup. I love every minute of it and it's also terrifying. Terrifying because I know I'm still in the honeymoon phase with this and terrifying because I'm learning who I am as a person. It's the first time in my adult life that I haven't been looking for a drink and planning when I would be able to get to my alone time with my bottle. 

Every experience is different now because of that and I have no idea how I'm going to react to every situation, big or small, because I'm getting to know myself all over again. It is scarey as hell and exciting as hell. It's truly a new life. 4 months after I stopped, one of my best friends dropped dead of a heart attack at 41. I went up to Chicago to bury him. I didn't have any idea how I would handle it. My friends are all from my childhood and we are really, really tight, so it helped having them there. We all went to a bar after the funeral and it wasn't hard for me at all to not drink, but when I left and was alone again, I got a pretty strong urge. 

A month ago another very close friend of mine got married out in California, so this time the whole crew would be back together for a fun occasion. That wasn't hard for me either and I was very worried it would be. But some of us alcoholics didn't drink and the non alcoholics got drunk because it was one of those occasions for it. And every single one of them told me how proud they were of me and brought me diet cokes. So now I'm at my parents for the holidays and they really stress me out, but every day and every experience, I gain more confidence and a little less worry about picking up the bottle. 

Bottom line, if I drink I will die, and I want to take this ride as long as I can.  Just 228 days ago, I didn't care. Now I'm all smiles for my niece and everyone else. 

 

 

 

 

[JohnnyRage 1617]

:applause:

[BearSchlong 8098]

Self-knowledge is worth fuckall when in the throes of an active addiction bender, as is will power. It’s more like a throw of the dice, and only one of those lands on no consequences. If you include healthfulness then I would argue none of them.

Bingo. But hey, he's only 23. I'm so smart my higher power didn't sober me up until I was 38.

[BearSchlong 8098]

I'm 41 and have been an alcoholic since my first drink at 12 or 13. I knew it and never really had the denial stage. All my friends knew it, but they were all heavy drinkers in high school, college and then into their early 20's, where most of them cut back to normal people drinkers. Probably 25% of us who were true alcoholics didn't and most stopped and started going to meetings because they knew and accepted what they are. I knew it  about myself but didn't care.
I, like you, was the fun guy at the party, until I got into my 30s and became completely reclusive and wanted to be at my house alone, with a bottle of jameson and a pack of  cigarettes.  That is what I  loved. Every night. That is what I thought I loved, but I was in denial about that being my happy place.  I was miserable and hated people. I would go weeks without seeing people besides giving someone money at the liquor store checkout. That is what I became after being a social person all my life.
I didn't have friends besides the ones I grew up with,  but I didn't live in the same state as any of them or any family and that was partly by alcoholic design even though I didn't acknowledge that part of the equation. Around 30 I started getting regular, routine check ups at the doctor and lied to him about my drinking. My liver counts were bad and an ultrasound showed I had fatty liver. I knew what it was and what it was from and I didn't care. I had a bottle waiting for me at home, so fucking hurry up doc, I gotta get out of here.
This all continued for ten years with a couple half-assed efforts of stopping. So this past summer I fell a couple times and couldn't get up. I couldn't get out of bed for 3 days even to make it to the bathroom, so you can imagine what that looked like. Just 3 bottles of whiskey and covered in my own waste. My buddy, who is also an alcoholic found me and called an ambulance. I was straight with the ER people about everything. They did all the tests and I had a good idea what was coming next. It was full on cirrhosis. 
 
So there it was and I knew I was killing myself and I wasn't suicidal, I just couldn't and didn't want to stop. But I deep down knew my life would be so much better if I did because I wasn't myself and hadn't been in 15 years. My 7 year old niece told me she had never seen me smile and that crushed me. So oddly enough, when they told me I had an irreversible liver disease that would most likely kill me, I wasn't scared, I was strangely relieved because I knew that was the only thing that would make me stop and stopping was the only thing that would make me happy.
So today is 228 days without a drink and I'm a different person. Completely different. I'm happy and energetic all the time. I don't get irritated with everything and everyone. It's almost like living in a happy, zen type place that I never knew was in my makeup. I love every minute of it and it's also terrifying. Terrifying because I know I'm still in the honeymoon phase with this and terrifying because I'm learning who I am as a person. It's the first time in my adult life that I haven't been looking for a drink and planning when I would be able to get to my alone time with my bottle. 
Every experience is different now because of that and I have no idea how I'm going to react to every situation, big or small, because I'm getting to know myself all over again. It is scarey as hell and exciting as hell. It's truly a new life. 4 months after I stopped, one of my best friends dropped dead of a heart attack at 41. I went up to Chicago to bury him. I didn't have any idea how I would handle it. My friends are all from my childhood and we are really, really tight, so it helped having them there. We all went to a bar after the funeral and it wasn't hard for me at all to not drink, but when I left and was alone again, I got a pretty strong urge. 
A month ago another very close friend of mine got married out in California, so this time the whole crew would be back together for a fun occasion. That wasn't hard for me either and I was very worried it would be. But some of us alcoholics didn't drink and the non alcoholics got drunk because it was one of those occasions for it. And every single one of them told me how proud they were of me and brought me diet cokes. So now I'm at my parents for the holidays and they really stress me out, but every day and every experience, I gain more confidence and a little less worry about picking up the bottle. 
Bottom line, if I drink I will die, and I want to take this ride as long as I can.  Just 228 days ago, I didn't care. Now I'm all smiles for my niece and everyone else. 
 
 
 
 

That's a helluva story. Are you doing this alone or in a program?

[BearSchlong 8098]

Does CTCJ post here? Haven't heard from him in a while.

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

1 hour ago, BearSchlong said:

22 hours ago, BBQ2Bayou said:

I'm 41 and have been an alcoholic since my first drink at 12 or 13. I knew it and never really had the denial stage. All my friends knew it, but they were all heavy drinkers in high school, college and then into their early 20's, where most of them cut back to normal people drinkers. Probably 25% of us who were true alcoholics didn't and most stopped and started going to meetings because they knew and accepted what they are. I knew it  about myself but didn't care.
I, like you, was the fun guy at the party, until I got into my 30s and became completely reclusive and wanted to be at my house alone, with a bottle of jameson and a pack of  cigarettes.  That is what I  loved. Every night. That is what I thought I loved, but I was in denial about that being my happy place.  I was miserable and hated people. I would go weeks without seeing people besides giving someone money at the liquor store checkout. That is what I became after being a social person all my life.
I didn't have friends besides the ones I grew up with,  but I didn't live in the same state as any of them or any family and that was partly by alcoholic design even though I didn't acknowledge that part of the equation. Around 30 I started getting regular, routine check ups at the doctor and lied to him about my drinking. My liver counts were bad and an ultrasound showed I had fatty liver. I knew what it was and what it was from and I didn't care. I had a bottle waiting for me at home, so fucking hurry up doc, I gotta get out of here.
This all continued for ten years with a couple half-assed efforts of stopping. So this past summer I fell a couple times and couldn't get up. I couldn't get out of bed for 3 days even to make it to the bathroom, so you can imagine what that looked like. Just 3 bottles of whiskey and covered in my own waste. My buddy, who is also an alcoholic found me and called an ambulance. I was straight with the ER people about everything. They did all the tests and I had a good idea what was coming next. It was full on cirrhosis. 
 
So there it was and I knew I was killing myself and I wasn't suicidal, I just couldn't and didn't want to stop. But I deep down knew my life would be so much better if I did because I wasn't myself and hadn't been in 15 years. My 7 year old niece told me she had never seen me smile and that crushed me. So oddly enough, when they told me I had an irreversible liver disease that would most likely kill me, I wasn't scared, I was strangely relieved because I knew that was the only thing that would make me stop and stopping was the only thing that would make me happy.
So today is 228 days without a drink and I'm a different person. Completely different. I'm happy and energetic all the time. I don't get irritated with everything and everyone. It's almost like living in a happy, zen type place that I never knew was in my makeup. I love every minute of it and it's also terrifying. Terrifying because I know I'm still in the honeymoon phase with this and terrifying because I'm learning who I am as a person. It's the first time in my adult life that I haven't been looking for a drink and planning when I would be able to get to my alone time with my bottle. 
Every experience is different now because of that and I have no idea how I'm going to react to every situation, big or small, because I'm getting to know myself all over again. It is scarey as hell and exciting as hell. It's truly a new life. 4 months after I stopped, one of my best friends dropped dead of a heart attack at 41. I went up to Chicago to bury him. I didn't have any idea how I would handle it. My friends are all from my childhood and we are really, really tight, so it helped having them there. We all went to a bar after the funeral and it wasn't hard for me at all to not drink, but when I left and was alone again, I got a pretty strong urge. 
A month ago another very close friend of mine got married out in California, so this time the whole crew would be back together for a fun occasion. That wasn't hard for me either and I was very worried it would be. But some of us alcoholics didn't drink and the non alcoholics got drunk because it was one of those occasions for it. And every single one of them told me how proud they were of me and brought me diet cokes. So now I'm at my parents for the holidays and they really stress me out, but every day and every experience, I gain more confidence and a little less worry about picking up the bottle. 
Bottom line, if I drink I will die, and I want to take this ride as long as I can.  Just 228 days ago, I didn't care. Now I'm all smiles for my niece and everyone else. 
 
 
 
 

Read more  

That's a helluva story. Are you doing this alone or in a program?

I'm doing it alone, living with my buddy who is an alcoholic and always has booze in the house, in a city that I don't like and don't know anybody and don't have a job that's worth a fuck and don't care about at all. I'm not being dramatic and I'm half laughing at why I'm doing it the way that is the worst way possible to most recovering addicts, but I'm hard headed and don't think anybody can help me besides myself. 

 

I'm not at all against or above the programs and think they are great and have saved innumerable lives, I just think it wouldn't help me. I know most people will say this line is way too thin to stay up on, but I really think it's the only way for me. I have opened up to friends about and I'm not at all ashamed of being an alcoholic. I used to think that word was for the weak, but after years I've realized it truly is a disease.

As far as moving out of my place and to a different city entirely, which is what I need, I've taken to heart what you and others here have said about taking at least a year before making any life changes like that. I don't post much, but I have read this thread here and on shaggy every day and it really has helped reading what everyone here has gone through and how they have handled it.  There are some strong, and caring people in this little cove of assholes that I appreciate. 

Opening up really does help, and I've made my stubborn ass try harder in that regard and it's a lot easier when you realize you have a disease and it's just that. I still won't say I'm proud of myself so far because I blame myself for letting it go so far, but I'm working on giving myself a small pat on the back from time to time. 

So thanks for everyone in this thread.  It's helped me and I'm sure other people who post or lurk and I will go check out a meeting if I start to feel helpless, which I have a feeling is inevitable at some point. You all have a great time with family, friends, whoever these holidays and I'm going to keep fighting the good fight along side of you surly fuckers.

[Celery Man 20967]

Not directed at you directly BBQ2Bayou), but something I was thinking when I was catching up on the slew of posts yesterday, specifically re:danger of sobering up without any supervision when you are dealing with a lot of physical dependency in addition to the alcoholism - 

What really sucks is sobering up alone - the long stretch of sweating on the couch, climbing up the walls, small hallucinations little jolts through your body, the elevated panic/anxiety that is part of the physical dependence in addition to the rational reality of your situation.  The days long stretch of being miserable and having no relief from the slow passage of time.  That sucks.  What sucks worse is the pointlessness of it when you're still too proud to admit it to anyone else and go out and find some support and be around some people who will keep you accountable and help you along the way.  Because you just went through a big long dangerous miserable experience and got absolutely nothing out of it unless maybe you can use it to understand your powerlessness and try a different tact when you rally the troop and go for it again after you inevitably go back to drinking just like you were doing before.  I did that a bunch of times, and it was a big waste of misery and an entire year of my life in the process.  Maybe the benefit is that those experiences are still vivid to me 3 years into sobriety, and are the powerful memories I can pull up to scare the shit out of myself if I do have a fleeting moment of weakness.

 

tl;dr - if you're still trying to storm over the wall into sobriety all alone, knock it the fuck off and use the gate.  It's unlocked.  You do not have the power to beat this alone.  That is literally step one.  Even if you make it over and stay a while you'll have to come to grips with that.  So just get some help, it's free and available and no big deal.

[JohnnyRage 1617]

I look at it this way. I truly believe that there is an adapted evolutionary/biological short-circuit that makes living, a.k.a. fulfilling our role/duty, easier and more successful. Some of us judgingly acknowledge that the dimwits who have faith in fairy tales and enlightenment do have things easier. They don’t carry the weight of the world on their shoulders, they don’t suffer from the illusion of control. They seem to have at times peace.

Now fully recognizing that there exists an easier path, am I going to pridefully declare, “Not for me, I’m too miserably-smart for that shit!”?

I may be an intelligent dolt, but I’m not that narcissisticly self-destructive. The humanity that exists inside of me, in and out of my addiction - before and for what is yet to come, has caused me to reach out and grab ahold of spiritual progress, healthfulness, and Love and Balance.

Don’t let me fool you. I’m a chronic relapser. In some ways I’m ok with that. But alcoholism is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. You guys aren’t weak. This thing is a monster, and you guys are some tough sons of bitches. The normies have no idea.

 

Edited December 23, 2018 by JohnnyRage

[El Diablo 4232]

3 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

Does CTCJ post here? Haven't heard from him in a while.

He's been OatmealRaisinCookie for a while now. 

[El Diablo 4232]

On 12/22/2018 at 7:06 AM, JohnnyRage said:

Self-knowledge is worth fuckall when in the throes of an active addiction bender, as is will power. It’s more like a throw of the dice, and only one of those lands on no consequences. If you include healthfulness then I would argue none of them.

I was 23 or so and talking to a Navy counselor about my future after the Navy. They were trying to talk me into checking into an inpatient VA rehab to deal with my already obvious alcohol problem and I told them I didn't have time for that, I was going to be a civilian soon and was going to start my life. I'm sure they were just shaking their head and the booze was L-O-L'ing at me too. 

I was in rehab within 2 years.

[bluto 4932]

51 minutes ago, El Diablo said:

He's been OatmealRaisinCookie for a while now. 

I've suspected this

[BearSchlong 8098]

I'm doing it alone, living with my buddy who is an alcoholic and always has booze in the house, in a city that I don't like and don't know anybody and don't have a job that's worth a fuck and don't care about at all. I'm not being dramatic and I'm half laughing at why I'm doing it the way that is the worst way possible to most recovering addicts, but I'm hard headed and don't think anybody can help me besides myself. 
 
I'm not at all against or above the programs and think they are great and have saved innumerable lives, I just think it wouldn't help me. I know most people will say this line is way too thin to stay up on, but I really think it's the only way for me. I have opened up to friends about and I'm not at all ashamed of being an alcoholic. I used to think that word was for the weak, but after years I've realized it truly is a disease.
As far as moving out of my place and to a different city entirely, which is what I need, I've taken to heart what you and others here have said about taking at least a year before making any life changes like that. I don't post much, but I have read this thread here and on shaggy every day and it really has helped reading what everyone here has gone through and how they have handled it.  There are some strong, and caring people in this little cove of assholes that I appreciate. 
Opening up really does help, and I've made my stubborn ass try harder in that regard and it's a lot easier when you realize you have a disease and it's just that. I still won't say I'm proud of myself so far because I blame myself for letting it go so far, but I'm working on giving myself a small pat on the back from time to time. 
So thanks for everyone in this thread.  It's helped me and I'm sure other people who post or lurk and I will go check out a meeting if I start to feel helpless, which I have a feeling is inevitable at some point. You all have a great time with family, friends, whoever these holidays and I'm going to keep fighting the good fight along side of you surly fuckers.

I've never said anything about making drastic changes in first year sobriety, in fact in your case I'd wholeheartedly recommend that you change people, places, and things posthaste.

[Reagan1k 3024]

13 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

On 12/23/2018 at 11:11 AM, BBQ2Bayou said:

I'm doing it alone, living with my buddy who is an alcoholic and always has booze in the house, in a city that I don't like and don't know anybody and don't have a job that's worth a fuck and don't care about at all. I'm not being dramatic and I'm half laughing at why I'm doing it the way that is the worst way possible to most recovering addicts, but I'm hard headed and don't think anybody can help me besides myself. 
 
I'm not at all against or above the programs and think they are great and have saved innumerable lives, I just think it wouldn't help me. I know most people will say this line is way too thin to stay up on, but I really think it's the only way for me. I have opened up to friends about and I'm not at all ashamed of being an alcoholic. I used to think that word was for the weak, but after years I've realized it truly is a disease.
As far as moving out of my place and to a different city entirely, which is what I need, I've taken to heart what you and others here have said about taking at least a year before making any life changes like that. I don't post much, but I have read this thread here and on shaggy every day and it really has helped reading what everyone here has gone through and how they have handled it.  There are some strong, and caring people in this little cove of assholes that I appreciate. 
Opening up really does help, and I've made my stubborn ass try harder in that regard and it's a lot easier when you realize you have a disease and it's just that. I still won't say I'm proud of myself so far because I blame myself for letting it go so far, but I'm working on giving myself a small pat on the back from time to time. 
So thanks for everyone in this thread.  It's helped me and I'm sure other people who post or lurk and I will go check out a meeting if I start to feel helpless, which I have a feeling is inevitable at some point. You all have a great time with family, friends, whoever these holidays and I'm going to keep fighting the good fight along side of you surly fuckers.

Read more  

I've never said anything about making drastic changes in first year sobriety, in fact in your case I'd wholeheartedly recommend that you change people, places, and things posthaste.

Agreed-  I’d probably not marry after dating 6 weeks and then adopt 5 foster children in your 1st year, but changing people, places, and things that may not be productive or supportive of a sober life would definitely be a positive thing. 

Good luck and God Speed !! 

[Charles DeMar 221]

Something I heard in a meeting from the mouth of my former "Grand Sponsor" but the words of his wife, who stuck with him and they now have what he calls an "amazing" marriage.  This has stuck with me and I rely on during those tough times when the demon calls at me, pulls at me, road blocks me, etc.:

 

"Sobriety ain't for wimps!"

 

God (of your understanding) bless all during this often really difficult time for many of us and I hope for those who celebrate what Christmas is all about, it is a merry one for all!

 

Charles

[BearSchlong 8098]

Agreed-  I’d probably not marry after dating 6 weeks and then adopt 5 foster children in your 1st year, but changing people, places, and things that may not be productive or supportive of a sober life would definitely be a positive thing. 
Good luck and God Speed !! 

Also a geographical wont change anything because wherever you go, there you are.

[Alvin89 108]

On 12/21/2018 at 8:35 AM, Al_4_ISU said:

I tempered my drinking about 2-3 years ago.  I was hitting it pretty hard, and had yet to experience any consequence (I've never been a drunk driver, get violent/angry or anything like that), but my wife was getting concerned that I was heading down the road.  She didn't think I was an alcoholic, as normally I would have 1-3 or drinks per day and cut it off (during the week - I hate working hungover), but on the weekend I would hammer it down pretty hard.  This culminated in me staying out until 4-5AM, passing out on the toilet, and trying to flush a decorative hand towel the night after an Iowa/Iowa State game.  

I quit cold turkey for awhile and found it wasn't a big deal at all.  During that time, I went to a therapist, open to the possibility that maybe I was an alcoholic.  The therapist came to the conclusion that I wasn't an alcoholic, but had developed a habit of using booze to cope with stress.  My wife and I had been in a rough patch related to both of us working like crazy, and not being aligned about having children, and rather than actually talk to anyone about it (German Catholic), I was just trying to numb my brain when I was freed from responsibilities.  Because I live in place where almost everyone drinks, and most fairly heavily, it never really stood out to anyone other than my wife and brother (who had left the area).  I'm not a mean, angry, or even reckless drunk, so people never really gave it much thought.

Not drinking doesn't bum me out, I found.  I guess I don't really have the "itch".  I don't obsess over it.  I started drinking again, and it's in the normal fashion.  The amount of thought I give to obtaining and consuming alcohol is low (it never was all that high - it was more of a reflex).  Sometimes I go weeks without having anything (particularly when in the field), and sometimes I tie one on (see San Antonio next week).  It was never hard for me to shut it off in the past, there were just times where I wanted to just completely shut off the noise and leaned on the bottle to do it.  I could control it, and deliberately chose not to, for stupid reasons.  Once I learned to break myself of that coping mechanism (via therapy) and adopt healthier ones (exercise is the big one), I've found myself not even wanting to drink when I'm pissed off or depressed, and when I do drink, it's a celebratory event with friends.

Rambling bullshit aside, try quitting for a bit, and combine it with therapy.  You might find that booze is something you can control and engage with in a normative fashion.  You might not.  The most important thing you'll learn is what life without it feels like again.  I found it was pretty pleasant and if the day came where I had to drop it, I don't think I would miss it that much at all. I believe it is possible for many people who are abusing alcohol, but not dependent on it, to pull back the reigns and maintain a functional relationship with booze.  Obviously this isn't the case for everyone, but you can't know where you stand until you're willing to really look into it.   Good luck!

This is pretty much where I’m at. I’ve tapered off my drinking substantially this last year and hit the gym pretty hard. When I do tie one on with friends I’m pretty much useless for the next full day because the hangovers are miserable now. I know I don’t have a real problem that’s effecting my life in major ways but I also know I’m not letting myself grow as much as I want. Not to pass the blame but my friends drink a ton and a lot of my drinking tends to be social drinking. I’ve been the goofy fun drunk with these guys for the better part of my adult life but the fun doesn’t out weigh the hangovers anymore. I can’t think of the last week where I didn’t drink at some point with dinner or after work even if I didn’t get drunk. I think I’m gonna give a month with 0 alcohol a shot starting in January. Any tips on staying straight for a full month?

[gasman 114]

9 minutes ago, Alvin89 said:

This is pretty much where I’m at. I’ve tapered off my drinking substantially this last year and hit the gym pretty hard. When I do tie one on with friends I’m pretty much useless for the next full day because the hangovers are miserable now. I know I don’t have a real problem that’s effecting my life in major ways but I also know I’m not letting myself grow as much as I want. Not to pass the blame but my friends drink a ton and a lot of my drinking tends to be social drinking. I’ve been the goofy fun drunk with these guys for the better part of my adult life but the fun doesn’t out weigh the hangovers anymore. I can’t think of the last week where I didn’t drink at some point with dinner or after work even if I didn’t get drunk. I think I’m gonna give a month with 0 alcohol a shot starting in January. Any tips on staying straight for a full month?

Lots of articles on Dry January if you search a bit. See how you feel after 30 days. 
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/food/wp/2018/01/02/giving-up-booze-for-dry-january-heres-some-advice-from-the-experts/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.4c12f92d11d3

[Alvin89 108]

7 minutes ago, gasman said:

Lots of articles on Dry January if you search a bit. See how you feel after 30 days. 
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/food/wp/2018/01/02/giving-up-booze-for-dry-january-heres-some-advice-from-the-experts/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.4c12f92d11d3

Awesome, read the article and downloaded the app it said to help out. Appreciate it! 

[Al_4_ISU 12464]

1 hour ago, Alvin89 said:

This is pretty much where I’m at. I’ve tapered off my drinking substantially this last year and hit the gym pretty hard. When I do tie one on with friends I’m pretty much useless for the next full day because the hangovers are miserable now. I know I don’t have a real problem that’s effecting my life in major ways but I also know I’m not letting myself grow as much as I want. Not to pass the blame but my friends drink a ton and a lot of my drinking tends to be social drinking. I’ve been the goofy fun drunk with these guys for the better part of my adult life but the fun doesn’t out weigh the hangovers anymore. I can’t think of the last week where I didn’t drink at some point with dinner or after work even if I didn’t get drunk. I think I’m gonna give a month with 0 alcohol a shot starting in January. Any tips on staying straight for a full month?

NA beer in social drinking situations worked well for me.

My over the top moments were always in social settings too.  Never been one for getting drunk alone.  I’m an extreme extrovert and have been the fun drunk guy for years.  I guess just remind yourself you don’t always have to be the life of the party.  Like you, my friends often encourage my drinking, because I AM a lot of fun when I drink.  I just don’t want to be that guy all the time anymore. Thankfully they all understand.

Edited December 25, 2018 by Al_4_ISU

[Celery Man 20967]

Merry Christmas you misrable sumbitches.

If booze asks for your surrender, you just tell it NUTS

 

 

i may hit a meeting tonight.  if any of y'all are alone or in the early days or just struggling a bit with whatever around the holidays, I recommend it.

Edited December 25, 2018 by Celery Man

[Alvin89 108]

1 hour ago, Al_4_ISU said:

NA beer in social drinking situations worked well for me.

My over the top moments were always in social settings too.  Never been one for getting drunk alone.  I’m an extreme extrovert and have been the fun drunk guy for years.  I guess just remind yourself you don’t always have to be the life of the party.  Like you, my friends often encourage my drinking, because I AM a lot of fun when I drink.  I just don’t want to be that guy all the time anymore. Thankfully they all understand.

Gonna give the non alcoholic beer a shot. Appreciate the advice 

[JohnnyRage 1617]

Surprisingly, and sadly, O'Doul's is probably the best. But people can spot it a mile away, and inevitably want to talk about it.

I'd rather drink a ginger beer.

I'm going to say it....

 

 

 

 

 

Someone's got to...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Merry Christmas Ya Filthy Animals!

[Parliament 14260]

Bro, do you even Sharps Amber?

[Al_4_ISU 12464]

I thought Kaliber was decent.

If someone can make an NA IPA that tastes like actual beer, they’d hit it big.

[troph 24854]

Love you guys, y’all inspire me almost every day. The days you don’t are the days I haven’t lurked on here. Impressive lot. Keep on keeping on!

[El Diablo 4232]

Spent Christmas day with my mom, sister and BIL. Didn't hurt anyone, didn't drink and I'll be at work early tomorrow. Very grateful alkie right here.

[ztejas 43475]

On 12/23/2018 at 11:56 AM, JohnnyRage said:

But alcoholism is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

I feel this way. Not that I know if I'm really an "alcoholic" or not. I answer it differently depending on the day.

But I never try to blame others or feel helpless about it or get angry at the world. I think the question I ask a lot is "Why do I feel the need to drink this much?" 

Sometimes it's because I'm a dick when I'm sober and I don't like being a dick in social settings. That's the situation that I struggle with the most in terms of limiting my drinking.

But, when I'm at home, by myself, killing a bottle of wine and wishing I had another one as soon as I'm done, the question hitting me more and more is "what the fuck am I doing?"

Maybe if I drank less or stopped drinking I wouldn't want to drink at all. I don't beleive that yet, but I'm at least working on a thesis.

Hope everyone is having a great Christmas, sober or not. The first day won't be today for me but maybe it can be tomorrow.

 

[Celery Man 20967]

gosling's ginger beer

I missed the 10 o'clock meeting, so here's a share on the most recent subject -

Struggling in alcoholism was the worst - apart from a brief window of early stage escapades that would have been better if I could have moderated anyways, there was no good part of that.  But fighting (and almost losing to) alcoholism has given me a ton of perspective that I would not otherwise have, a deep well of empathy for other human beings of all stripes and sorts (even if I don't always express it well), and a framework to organize and turn productive my most destructive mental traits and proclivities.  The types of things that most of us here deal with.  Neurotic obsessiveness, possessiveness, envy and spite.  Superiority, inferiority, anger, and depression. Quick temper and impatience, an inability to understand why others struggle to get with my program.  Whatever crazy mix of all of that shit.  All of it driving me to numb my senses with alcohol, which in turn caused me to not function properly and then began to kill me.  I'm thankful for alcoholism because in recovery I've been forced to rewire my brain.  I'm sure that my brake horsepower is still way higher than what I'm getting at the wheels, but I have wheels now.  With tires, and a transmission between them and the engine, and that's where my car knowledge runs out for this analogy.  Even before the booze I don't know how functional I was, and I'm not sure if I'm moving fast in absolute terms or it feels that way relative to the stasis I came out of.  But it feels good to move, it's better to be quick than to be dead, and I'm thankful for alcoholism because that's the road that led me to recovery and where I am now.  Which is good.

[Charles DeMar 221]

Hey, guys.  Headed into a super-stressful situation in Corpus with the in-laws.  BIL has been discovered cheating on my SIL and she'll be there (thankfully, he'll be gone when I arrive), my FIL is basically slowly becoming a vegetable after a very successful life with a very sharp brain, and MIL is a controlling freak who will have an opinion on everything, and likely be pretty drunk.

 

Anyone know any good meetings in Corpus?  Shot in the dark...

 

Thanks, guys.

 

Charles DeMar

[gasman 114]

There is an app called AA meeting guide. It will geolocate your phone and give you every meeting in your area along with the address and time it starts. It can also give you directions there. I don’t know of a specific meeting in CC to recommend, but this app will give you a lot of options in your area.

[El Diablo 4232]

1 minute ago, gasman said:

There is an app called AA meeting guide. It will geolocate your phone and give you every meeting in your area along with the address and time it starts. It can also give you directions there. I don’t know of a specific meeting in CC to recommend, but this app will give you a lot of options in your area.

Lol, I was going to say check the phonebook but I'm not sure phonebooks are even a thing now. This is probably a better idea.  

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

non-alcoholic beer is for non-alcoholics

[Kennythetiger 9390]

I think so, too.  I don't see how they could be the least bit enjoyable to one of us.  To each their own, though!  Whatever works.

[TwiceHorn 31495]

The trouble is that na beer contains a small amount of alcohol. The way we drink it is conceivable that we drink enough of them to catch a buzz and in any event it is tweaking those neural pathways to some degree.  Not to mention the whole "romancing the drink" etc. thing. 

[Reagan1k 3024]

That's a flame I'm not willing to pass my hand over.  There is some residual alcohol in most of those and to me it is akin to romanticizing the drink.

Were I to be just a heavy drinker....that would be a different story.  I'm an alcoholic to the bone and that means no alcohol for me and no flying too close to the sun with a near-beer.

The holidays are a great reminder for me to watch normal drinkers and compare myself to them.

Christmas morning I had multiple family members saying, "time for a mimosa" or "man I'd love a bloody Mary" with great passion.  When I was cleaning up I dumped out multiple half-finished drinks, there was still champagne left in the 1st and only bottle, and barely a dent made in the Tito's.    They had what they wanted and left it without another thought.  As an alcoholic, I'd have finished mine and yours and be working on a plan to keep drinking without standing out as the only one still going throughout the day.  

The thought of one drink at 10am and then nothing else for the rest of the day (or rest of the hour) seems like water torture when the cravings would kick in.

I also realize in those settings that no one else really cares what I'm drinking.  I'm not the center of their world and even though I'm all I think about....they couldn't care less and the thought of what is in my glass or what I am doing / not doing never crosses their mind.  They're concerned with themselves above all else.

I had someone the other day who I've been hunting with on multiple occasions and out to dinner with several times ask me what my current preference in wine was....When I told him I quit drinking a few years ago he was shocked.  He knew I drank in the past but hadn't paid attention or noticed that I wasn't drinking for multiple years.   

If an acquaintance is watching your drinking that closely after you've quit, it may say something about their own situation and their being uncomfortable with their own drinking....as misery loves company. 

Edited December 27, 2018 by Reagan1k
Twice beat me to the residual......

[El Diablo 4232]

Yeah, for me the near beer would just be mental masturbation and a dangerous place to be. I have NO interest in pretending that I'm drinking.

[Charles DeMar 221]

In IOP I saw a video of the guy that basically started the PARC in Houston, a pretty big rehab center here.  He told the story of some dude who "went out" and it was on near beer-48 of them.  "But, they're non-alcoholic!!!!????"  Nope.

 

 

[BearSchlong 8098]

On 12/25/2018 at 5:09 PM, ztejas said:

I think the question I ask a lot is "Why do I feel the need to drink this much?" 

 

Because I'm an alcoholic.

 

[BearSchlong 8098]

Oops, double post.

Edited December 28, 2018 by BearSchlong

[BearSchlong 8098]

oops triple post.

Time to go get dressed and get to my 6:30 meeting at Fellowship.  I've been sitting around for 2 days taking care of my wife who has been bedridden with a severely sprained ankle, and that scenario doesn't play very well with me.

Edited December 28, 2018 by BearSchlong

[ztejas 43475]

4 minutes ago, BearSchlong said:

oops triple post.

Time to go get dressed and get to my 6:30 meeting at Fellowship.  I've been sitting around for 2 days taking care of my wife who has been bedridden with a severely sprained ankle, and that scenario doesn't play very well with me.

Hope it goes well!

[El Diablo 4232]

1 hour ago, BearSchlong said:

Because I'm an alcoholic.

 

One of the old, old, old Father Martins "Chalk Talk" segments he's going on about how this guy shows up drunk at his own daughters wedding and of course someone asks "How can he do that? At HIS OWN DAUGHTERS WEDDING!?!?". And of course the answer is "How could he not? It's what we do".

 

[Dewey 3286]

Love me some Father Martin, amazing person.

[El Diablo 4232]

28 minutes ago, Dewey said:

Love me some Father Martin, amazing person.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that I first saw him on 16mm while I was in the Navy. He was talking to me already then.