I'm An Alcoholic

[ztejas 44328]

On 1/1/2019 at 9:07 AM, Nice Guy Eddie said:

Trust me that everyone in your life likes and loves you so much more when you’re sober.  

This is subjective in my personal experience. I'm a dick when I'm sober. Always have been always will be. After a few drinks I'm utterly pleasant. Where I run into trouble is the 6th, 7th, 8th drink at which point I turn into an insufferable douchebag that doesn't like himself and isn't particularly liked by others. 

Idk. I worry less what others think about me and more about what I think about myself. Do I like the person I am after 10-12 drinks? I tend to not. I also don't particularly enjoy company when sober. So where's the balance? Maybe it's finding better social outlets. Maybe it's calling it a night after the 3rd or 4th drink. Still navigating that path but to say that everyone in my life likes and loves me more when I'm stone cold has not been my experience. I find it difficult to relate to others without a couple drinks - especially in situations where I'm meeting new people.

Kind of rambling but I guess that's part of what this thread is for. As always, I welcome feedback especially from those of you with more experience. 

And @BBQ2Bayou hang in there man. Sounds like you were a pretty heavy regular drinker and I am trying my damnedest to stay away from that. I do think that everyone is in control of their own destiny and there are different strokes for different folks.

Peace and happy continued new year to everyone. 

[TwiceHorn 32174]

2 hours ago, ztejas said:

This is subjective in my personal experience. I'm a dick when I'm sober. Always have been always will be. After a few drinks I'm utterly pleasant. Where I run into trouble is the 6th, 7th, 8th drink at which point I turn into an insufferable douchebag that doesn't like himself and isn't particularly liked by others. 

Idk. I worry less what others think about me and more about what I think about myself. Do I like the person I am after 10-12 drinks? I tend to not. I also don't particularly enjoy company when sober. So where's the balance? Maybe it's finding better social outlets. Maybe it's calling it a night after the 3rd or 4th drink. Still navigating that path but to say that everyone in my life likes and loves me more when I'm stone cold has not been my experience. I find it difficult to relate to others without a couple drinks - especially in situations where I'm meeting new people.

Kind of rambling but I guess that's part of what this thread is for. As always, I welcome feedback especially from those of you with more experience. 

And @BBQ2Bayou hang in there man. Sounds like you were a pretty heavy regular drinker and I am trying my damnedest to stay away from that. I do think that everyone is in control of their own destiny and there are different strokes for different folks.

Peace and happy continued new year to everyone. 

Sorry to use you as a guinea pig, but, "I'm a dick when sober, but not when I have had the right number of drinks" is pretty classic pre-alcoholic thinking.  To a (wo)man, most of us felt somehow inadequate ("less than" is pretty good descriptor) when sober and miraculously adequate or better when drinking.  A part of the steps, or recovery/sobriety however achieved, is a level of self-acceptance and "right-sizing" your expectations of yourself and others.  This tends to result in a cease-fire if not outright peace with a world with which many of us thought we were perpetually at war.

[Al_4_ISU 12723]

Food is way harder to say no to than alcohol, for me.

I'm not a whale (6'1 230) but bigger than I should be.  The skinniest I've ever been (190), was when I was getting hammered 6 nights a week in my early 20's.  I can't make sense of it, other than I was single, home on the farm for the summer, and doing hard manual labor all day.

It's not sugar that drives me up the wall though.  It's salt.  Chips.  Cheese.  Meat.  Bread.  Tuning out the desire to consume food is so fucking hard, and really any kind of inebriation makes it almost impossible for me.

[Al_4_ISU 12723]

3 hours ago, ztejas said:

This is subjective in my personal experience. I'm a dick when I'm sober. Always have been always will be. After a few drinks I'm utterly pleasant. Where I run into trouble is the 6th, 7th, 8th drink at which point I turn into an insufferable douchebag that doesn't like himself and isn't particularly liked by others. 

Idk. I worry less what others think about me and more about what I think about myself. Do I like the person I am after 10-12 drinks? I tend to not. I also don't particularly enjoy company when sober. So where's the balance? Maybe it's finding better social outlets. Maybe it's calling it a night after the 3rd or 4th drink. Still navigating that path but to say that everyone in my life likes and loves me more when I'm stone cold has not been my experience. I find it difficult to relate to others without a couple drinks - especially in situations where I'm meeting new people.

Kind of rambling but I guess that's part of what this thread is for. As always, I welcome feedback especially from those of you with more experience. 

And @BBQ2Bayou hang in there man. Sounds like you were a pretty heavy regular drinker and I am trying my damnedest to stay away from that. I do think that everyone is in control of their own destiny and there are different strokes for different folks.

Peace and happy continued new year to everyone. 

The way I behave when I'm drunk is a big reason I didn't think I needed to check my boozing for a long time.  There is no level of alcohol that makes me an asshole.  There is, however, a level of alcohol that makes me completely fucking useless and a total liability.  Because everyone loves drunk Al, I felt like I had a green light all the time.  It wasn't until I was shown what a liability I could be that I really started rethinking it.

I'm not necessarily a dick when I'm sober, but I don't have much empathy or emotional connection.  I wouldn't say alcohol really gives me either in a permanent sense, but I've definitely had that temporary feeling of being able to relate to others with booze.  That's the good side of alcohol (yes, I firmly believe that alcohol is not inherently evil - it's just that some people are allergic to it).  I think the goal though is to be able to take the realization that you are capable of empathy/relating to others through to the other side.  The drug showed you it's possible, but you can't lean on it to be the only way through to that understanding.

[Reagan1k 3045]

1 hour ago, TwiceHorn said:

Sorry to use you as a guinea pig, but, "I'm a dick when sober, but not when I have had the right number of drinks" is pretty classic pre-alcoholic thinking.  To a (wo)man, most of us felt somehow inadequate ("less than" is pretty good descriptor) when sober and miraculously adequate or better when drinking.  A part of the steps, or recovery/sobriety however achieved, is a level of self-acceptance and "right-sizing" your expectations of yourself and others.  This tends to result in a cease-fire if not outright peace with a world with which many of us thought we were perpetually at war.

B-I-N-G-O. 

[Celery Man 21140]

Booze took the edge off and helped me not be such an asshole.  Frankly I again am reminded of myself when reading what you have to say, z.  I think over 10 years (including college years), it went from drinking is all fun and every now and then I'd black out because I got so drunk and it was epic.  No big deal, we're all partying it's college right?  Evolving to, it is known that every now and then, I get way too drunk.  Hey man pace yourself, remember last time in New Orleans when we had to dump you back off at the hotel (obviously I don't remember that).  To, it being fucking tiresome, and people who I'm not super close with also know about how much I will drink.  And then eventually downhill as I'm frequently drunk and more eager to drink than others and more of an asshole when I'm not and that perfect little window of just lubricated is ever smaller, to I'm withdrawing in on myself as I collapse like a supernova and people like family who don't see me sloppy drunk are alarmed because they don't see me at all.

The thing that I've found in recovery is that I actually really like people.  I'm confident about who I am and where I'm weak.  I have a lot of empathy with people in general and assholes in particular.  It's water off a duck's back (serenity prayer) if someone has an unreasonable gripe with me (or a task to complete if their gripe is reasonable, also serenity prayer).  I don't go around getting mad, I go around connecting with people, deescalating problems, and nudging (or need be, pushing) everyone forward.  There are people who don't like me, but it's astonishing how much better and how much more broadly I'm liked/loved in recovery than I ever was previously.  Even in the early days.

[TwiceHorn 32174]

8 minutes ago, Celery Man said:

Booze took the edge off and helped me not be such an asshole.  Frankly I again am reminded of myself when reading what you have to say, z.  I think over 10 years (including college years), it went from drinking is all fun and every now and then I'd black out because I got so drunk and it was epic.  No big deal, we're all partying it's college right?  Evolving to, it is known that every now and then, I get way too drunk.  Hey man pace yourself, remember last time in New Orleans when we had to dump you back off at the hotel (obviously I don't remember that).  To, it being fucking tiresome, and people who I'm not super close with also know about how much I will drink.  And then eventually downhill as I'm frequently drunk and more eager to drink than others and more of an asshole when I'm not and that perfect little window of just lubricated is ever smaller, to I'm withdrawing in on myself as I collapse like a supernova and people like family who don't see me sloppy drunk are alarmed because they don't see me at all.

The thing that I've found in recovery is that I actually really like people.  I'm confident about who I am and where I'm weak.  I have a lot of empathy with people in general and assholes in particular.  It's water off a duck's back (serenity prayer) if someone has an unreasonable gripe with me (or a task to complete if their gripe is reasonable, also serenity prayer).  I don't go around getting mad, I go around connecting with people, deescalating problems, and nudging (or need be, pushing) everyone forward.  There are people who don't like me, but it's astonishing how much better and how much more broadly I'm liked/loved in recovery than I ever was previously.  Even in the early days.

 

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

4 hours ago, ztejas said:

As a still skinny youngin I've always found that skipping meals or straight up not giving into the craving of eating is one of the best ways to keep the lbs off. I mean it's really amazing what skipping lunch (or having something much lighter like a salad/smoothie) and then not giving into late night cravings will do to keeping your gut in shape. 

Then again, I'm pretty narcissistic and would rather be hungry 10 hours a day than getting rounder around the edges. To each their own. 

Also - if you are still drinking, drink smarter. Lighter beers. Clear liquor with soda. If the only sugar you put in your body is alcohol-based without any sugary mixers or calorie dense beers it can help keep your figure a bit more trim. 

And I'm def a fan of ginger chews as @Celery Man recd. That, diet sodas, gum, mints can all help.

two quibbles here

1) When I was 20, I was 6'2" and weighed about 140 lbs. When I was in my mid-30s, I was (pretty obviously) the same height and weighed about 175. Right now I weigh 199 and it's not muscle-- I've been telling myself "as long as you're not drinking, it's OK" for the last nine months and now that I'm in my 40s, I can't do that and stay in the kind of shape that makes the ladies say "ooooooh" and "aaaaaah" and "did you just get out of the hospital, you're really thin". I've gone from Ethopiathin in my teens to skinny to slim to slim but full of grabbable surfaces. Assuming I start running and rein the diet in, I can be back down to 180 in a few months.

My point is, time makes fools of our metabolisms, all. 

2) I like your advice about drinking smarter! When I was drinking, I tried to keep things really simple and low-carb-- straight vodka out of the bottle. If I was a little bit sober, sober enough to notice that the cheapest vodkas have a sort of isopropyl flavor to them, I would wash it down with some Diet Coke. And I didn't eat anything-- Cheezits, in the rare moments where I was lucid enough to think "I'm hungry" but that wasn't every day. 

The weight just melted off. 

[BearSchlong 8282]

On 1/9/2019 at 4:08 PM, BBQ2Bayou said:

I'm sure this is normal, as I know drinking is terrible for people with anxiety issues, but has anyone that has stopped for an extended amount of time noticed significant changes in their anxiety, for the better? The older I got, the more intense my fear of heights became. To the point where I could barely watch someone on TV that was inside a conference room in a tall building. Just being able to see through that window, through my TV from my couch made me really uncomfortable and jumpy. I don't have any of those feelings any more. 

I was up on a rooftop hotel not long ago and I didn't have any sort of fear looking out and down. To the point where I'm actually thinking about skydiving sometime soon. I'm not sure what else I've noticed as far as anxiety is concerned, but I'm sure there are things that aren't bothering me as much, but they just aren't as pronounced to notice them. I'd be interested to hear what others have noticed with their own anxiety. 

 

247 days. 

Congrats, 247 days is the sweet spot IMO. . .far enough removed to have clear thoughts, just enough sobriety to where it's a new penny.  Outstanding.

Quoting Swanderedtalent - "But the only thing that cures a fucked up brain is death. That's why we stay in the program. "

Recently I found myself alone on a cruise ship balcony, 500 miles from shore, at 2am.  For a few minutes I fantasized about what it would be like to simply fling myself overboard.  From the shock of hitting the water, to the terror of watching the ship's lights receding, to my wife's horror at finding me missing. . .then I went inside and got into bed and went to sleep.  It wasn't suicidal ideation, those thoughts ended in 2004, but rather that self dialogue about one's mortality that I think most people have from time to time.  It was a microcosm of the thought process I had to go through to get sober, i.e. do I want to check out permanently or do I want to live.  This particular alcoholic works his first step to existential levels.

The very next day I went parasailing in Key West, and it was a blast.  Last night I was grilling steaks with my Airborne qualified son and we were discussing how peaceful it is under a canopy in the sky.

This morning is the first time in a few years that I've had both children sleeping under my roof at the same time due to college, geographical, and US Army logistical challenges and while they sleep late I'm sitting here in gratitude.

Edited January 11, 2019 by BearSchlong

[BearSchlong 8282]

5 hours ago, ztejas said:

This is subjective in my personal experience. I'm a dick when I'm sober. Always have been always will be. After a few drinks I'm utterly pleasant. Where I run into trouble is the 6th, 7th, 8th drink at which point I turn into an insufferable douchebag that doesn't like himself and isn't particularly liked by others. 

Idk. I worry less what others think about me and more about what I think about myself. Do I like the person I am after 10-12 drinks? I tend to not. I also don't particularly enjoy company when sober. So where's the balance? Maybe it's finding better social outlets. Maybe it's calling it a night after the 3rd or 4th drink. Still navigating that path but to say that everyone in my life likes and loves me more when I'm stone cold has not been my experience. I find it difficult to relate to others without a couple drinks - especially in situations where I'm meeting new people.

Kind of rambling but I guess that's part of what this thread is for. As always, I welcome feedback especially from those of you with more experience. 

And @BBQ2Bayou hang in there man. Sounds like you were a pretty heavy regular drinker and I am trying my damnedest to stay away from that. I do think that everyone is in control of their own destiny and there are different strokes for different folks.

Peace and happy continued new year to everyone. 

We're saving you a seat.

it's as if you're my twin, only 9 years behind me.

[El Diablo 4232]

12 minutes ago, BearSchlong said:

We're saving you a seat.

it's as if you're my twin, only 9 years behind me.

Yeah, I wasn't ready to get sober when I was in my 20's. Oh, I went to rehab at 26 but that was necessary to get a job back that I had fucked off with my drinking. Only to lose the same job again due to..drinking.

It would take considerable more loss and consequences before I was somewhat ready to put the plug in the jug. I say somewhat ready because even when I did quit drinking for 11 or so years starting in 1990 and the ripe old age of 30 I began to enjoy the marijuana maintenance plan after about 6 or so months.

That didn't lead to the same consequences in the same way but I was traveling down a path of self-centeredness that still led to unhappiness and unintended consequences. No more waking up hungover, not knowing what I'd done the night before etc... but I became more and more withdrawn, emotionally unavailable and generally desensitized to the needs of others. A dick. A stoned, laid back dick but still a dick.

It takes what it takes.

[ztejas 44328]

Thanks for all the feedback. I feel like a Surly case study (I mean that in a positive way).

The "being a dick" part isn't really about drinking for me. It's why I started using in the first place (although it was weed back then). And, you know, I'm kind of okay with that. The goal would be learning to hide it without the aid of substance. 

I agree it comes from a deeper place. I tend to not relate to or enjoy the company of most people (check my post history).

Really, I need to quit being a pussy and get to a meeting. I think there is definitely part of my mindset that needs context or to be better fleshed out. 

 

 

[Reagan1k 3045]

I got something out of being an arrogant dick and the global cop for all things I deemed wrong with others - like a buzz/drunk or a high when I was otherwise sober. 

It was like I needed a mental fix when I didn't have the alcohol in me....it would tide me over until I could get drunk.  When drunk I had my preferred fix and was OK being more chillaxed. 

Getting past that need to feel "greater than" and fear of feeling "less than" by working my steps and finding a spiritual connection is something I would have sworn was impossible before I started. 

I'm still in awe of it to this day.  

[El Diablo 4232]

13 minutes ago, Reagan1k said:

I got something out of being an arrogant dick and the global cop for all things I deemed wrong with others - like a buzz/drunk or a high when I was otherwise sober. 

It was like I needed a mental fix when I didn't have the alcohol in me....it would tide me over until I could get drunk.  When drunk I had my preferred fix and was OK being more chillaxed. 

Getting past that need to feel "greater than" and fear of feeling "less than" by working my steps and finding a spiritual connection is something I would have sworn was impossible before I started. 

I'm still in awe of it to this day.  

For me, nothing feeds the ego like self-righteous anger and disapproval of others, lol. I can get drunk on it, or at least a close approximation. If I'm looking at you, I'm NOT looking at ME.

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

4 hours ago, ztejas said:

Really, I need to quit being a pussy and get to a meeting. I think there is definitely part of my mindset that needs context or to be better fleshed out. 

 

 

I can't remember if you'd said you'd been to one or not, but this is a really good idea. You risk nothing by checking one out-- you can sit in the back quietly and scope it out, they ain't gonna make you get up there and lead the Pledge of Allegiance or anything. Even if you end up at a meeting with Captain Saveaho, you can just say "I'm here to listen tonight" if called on (but that is rare anyway).

[TwiceHorn 32174]

This showed up in my Google feed today. https://www.si.com/nfl/2019/01/11/todd-marinovich-dad-marv-quarterback-drugs-rehab

Sad story.  

[El Diablo 4232]

Pretty sure I heard this in a meeting somewhere back in the day but it stuck with me and hell it might be something that's been heard a jillion times in the rooms - "If I had hired myself to run my life I would have fired me a long time ago". It was true for me, if I were to give an honest assessment of how I was "managing" things. Hah! I got me here! Great job, Diablo, good job!

One day at a time you Surly bastards, one day at a time.

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

Boy, SI really knows how to suck the marrow out of the bones, don't they?

[Round Rock Horn 32]

I’ve posted a few times over the last few years. I’m an Al-Anon and this week I got to truly feel and see the power of the third step. Last week my brother who is out on bail for an assault and then 3 months later his 3rd DWI missed one of his court dates and had a warrant issued. My mother who is the ultimate enabler went behind my back and helped him out again. This time instead of blowing a gasket I called her therapist and set up a meeting for the 3 of us. After rehashing the last few years of him blowing his inheritance, “borrowing” way too much money and all the legal problems and divorce shes paid for Mom decided it was time to finally disassociate with love. She while sobbing and crying sent him a text telling him that she loved him but he can’t stay at her house and she could not give him anymore money. As we were leaving the therapists office she was an absolute mess and just wanted to go home. About halfway home she looked at me and said the traffic is bad and we should stop an have an early dinner. So we pull into a restaurant that I’ve gone to since I was in a kid.

When we get there at about 4:30 the place was empty. Also about the time we get there my brother responds to her text “I’m trying to get sober and now I’m homeless”? She lost it in the restaurant. As she was crying a woman who was at my parents wedding and also my best friends mom walked into the restaurant to return some catering dishes and saw us. Came over to say hi and asked as nicely as she could if we were alright. I said it had been a bad and gave a quick overview of the day. The friend is also an Al-Anon. She reassured Mom that she was doing the right thing and that if she had things to do over she would have done what my mom just did. She and her husband lost their 45 y/o daughter to alcoholism. A few minutes later my YMCA basketball coaches wife walks in. She is also an Al-anon and tells the story of losing her youngest to drugs. Finally about 10 minuets later my 4th grade teacher and her husband comes in to have dinner. See all of us and says hi. Come to find out there youngest who I went to HS with has lived on the streets for 3 years and they are also Al-Anons. Everyone at the table assures my Mom she’s doing the right thing. I truly believe a higher power wanted us at that restaurant at that exact moment in time.

Yesterday I get a call from a sober house in SA telling me I am my brother emergency contact and that after a few days of living on the street my he checked himself in to get help. I guess it’s a start.

For those of you who commented on my last post a few weeks ago. Thanks those words helped and my brother did not come to my house for Christmas.

[troph 25328]

That’s an awesome account. I felt so helpless right along with her but I bet having all those folks show up helped comfort her by the time I was at the end of the dinner part I was smiling. Fingers crossed for your brother.

[Goofyboy 3441]

Any advice on how to help a friend that is or has been depressed or possibly bi-polar for years and is probably on some level an alcoholic?? He’s like a brother to me (friends since 7th grade), but rarely opens up. He’s been to therapy with his wife but she said he basically lied throughout it. He has either depression drugs or bi-polar, but doesn’t take them on the regular and drinks.

Outside of offering to listen, anything I can do to help? My wife and I want to help. His wife wants him to get some kind of help.

I realize this is a little different since he’s not the classic alcoholic that I have seen described here, but any thoughts would be great. All I’ve come up with is that I’d be happy to listen to him and just suggest he get help and that I’ve gotten help personally (depression in my 20’s).

Thanks and keep fighting the good fight.

[troph 25328]

My best friend is bi-polar and sober over 10 years. We talk 3-4 times a week and a lot of the time we talk about the steps and that’s both AA and ACOA/ACA. Drinking isn’t a daily struggle for her but everything else can be. I’ve got nothing for you because there’s nothing you can really do. He already knows what he needs to do, it’s not that much different than anyone else. It’s his choice. He needs to have the grit, determination and resiliency to look himself in the mirror, realize there is no dress rehearsal for life and be his best self. He’s got to love himself enough to start the journey of self improvement. For some of us the idea of dying with a wasted life filled with lies and cover ups is more frightening than giving up the drink or the crutch or in my case my man card. I really believe those of us that struggle with bonafide mental irregularities and especially mood disorders sometimes have a hard go but there is an underlying strength he can find in that condition. My best friend is really freaking strong emotionally. She’s is wickedly on target with self observation. It’s amazing to be around. He can be that guy. He’s just got to want it. It’s not any different than any success story on here.

 

[Reagan1k 3045]

6 hours ago, Round Rock Horn said:

“I’m trying to get sober and now I’m homeless”?

We alcoholics sure know how to play the game..... May god bless you and your mom.  That’s all you can do and pray he decides to save his own life.  

[BearSchlong 8282]

I’ve posted a few times over the last few years. I’m an Al-Anon and this week I got to truly feel and see the power of the third step. Last week my brother who is out on bail for an assault and then 3 months later his 3rd DWI missed one of his court dates and had a warrant issued. My mother who is the ultimate enabler went behind my back and helped him out again. This time instead of blowing a gasket I called her therapist and set up a meeting for the 3 of us. After rehashing the last few years of him blowing his inheritance, “borrowing” way too much money and all the legal problems and divorce shes paid for Mom decided it was time to finally disassociate with love. She while sobbing and crying sent him a text telling him that she loved him but he can’t stay at her house and she could not give him anymore money. As we were leaving the therapists office she was an absolute mess and just wanted to go home. About halfway home she looked at me and said the traffic is bad and we should stop an have an early dinner. So we pull into a restaurant that I’ve gone to since I was in a kid.

 

When we get there at about 4:30 the place was empty. Also about the time we get there my brother responds to her text “I’m trying to get sober and now I’m homeless”? She lost it in the restaurant. As she was crying a woman who was at my parents wedding and also my best friends mom walked into the restaurant to return some catering dishes and saw us. Came over to say hi and asked as nicely as she could if we were alright. I said it had been a bad and gave a quick overview of the day. The friend is also an Al-Anon. She reassured Mom that she was doing the right thing and that if she had things to do over she would have done what my mom just did. She and her husband lost their 45 y/o daughter to alcoholism. A few minutes later my YMCA basketball coaches wife walks in. She is also an Al-anon and tells the story of losing her youngest to drugs. Finally about 10 minuets later my 4th grade teacher and her husband comes in to have dinner. See all of us and says hi. Come to find out there youngest who I went to HS with has lived on the streets for 3 years and they are also Al-Anons. Everyone at the table assures my Mom she’s doing the right thing. I truly believe a higher power wanted us at that restaurant at that exact moment in time.

 

Yesterday I get a call from a sober house in SA telling me I am my brother emergency contact and that after a few days of living on the street my he checked himself in to get help. I guess it’s a start.

 

For those of you who commented on my last post a few weeks ago. Thanks those words helped and my brother did not come to my house for Christmas.

Good on you and mom. Glad you're giving him the dignity of experiencing the direct consequences of his actions. There's something pure and noble about that.

 

Hope it lasts. I've seen alcoholics completely destroy their own parents.

[BearSchlong 8282]

On 1/11/2019 at 11:11 AM, ztejas said:

Thanks for all the feedback. I feel like a Surly case study (I mean that in a positive way).

The "being a dick" part isn't really about drinking for me. It's why I started using in the first place (although it was weed back then). And, you know, I'm kind of okay with that. The goal would be learning to hide it without the aid of substance. 

I agree it comes from a deeper place. I tend to not relate to or enjoy the company of most people (check my post history).

Really, I need to quit being a pussy and get to a meeting. I think there is definitely part of my mindset that needs context or to be better fleshed out. 

 

 

There's a concept we call terminal uniqueness - believing one's own case to be unusual, or special, to the point where we resist capitulation and assistance.  Thing is, it's an unconscious thing - and the only way I've found to escape this fallacy is to find a group of alcoholics and actively look for similarities and identification with the others in the group and the literature.  Thank God I successfully accomplished this with AA.

A few years ago I thought I was a sex addict, and I went to SAA for a few meetings.  I did not identify - those people were registered sex offenders, addicted to hookers, all kinds of stuff that never even registered in my mind as activity in which I'd engage.  After all, I was just a porn enthusiast with milqetoast tastes.  I don't stray outside relationships anymore, and I've never engaged in risky behavior.  When I mentioned my inability to identify, one of the hooker-addled dudes sneered and said "Yet."  Instant resentment on my part.

Point of this story is that identification is absolutely the most important stage of getting help.  I completely identify as an alcoholic.  I don't identify as a drug addict.  I don't identify as a food, or sex, or gambling addict.

[Round Rock Horn 32]

Good on you and mom. Glad you're giving him the dignity of experiencing the direct consequences of his actions. There's something pure and noble about that. 
Hope it lasts. I've seen alcoholics completely destroy their own parents.

I’m the trustee of her estate. My next step is to cut her off from the trusts my dad and grand father set up for her.

My qualifier is not the alcoholic but the enabler. I keep thinking that I can help her but I’m finding just like the alcoholic she has to want to help herself.

The saddest part is she already watched my dad kill himself with alcohol. He spent the last 4 weeks of his life in the ICU bleeding out.

Thanks for the support. Even thought I know I’m doing the right thing it’s nice to have re-enforcement.

[ztejas 44328]

3 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

There's a concept we call terminal uniqueness - believing one's own case to be unusual, or special, to the point where we resist capitulation and assistance.  Thing is, it's an unconscious thing - and the only way I've found to escape this fallacy is to find a group of alcoholics and actively look for similarities and identification with the others in the group and the literature.  Thank God I successfully accomplished this with AA.

A few years ago I thought I was a sex addict, and I went to SAA for a few meetings.  I did not identify - those people were registered sex offenders, addicted to hookers, all kinds of stuff that never even registered in my mind as activity in which I'd engage.  After all, I was just a porn enthusiast with milqetoast tastes.  I don't stray outside relationships anymore, and I've never engaged in risky behavior.  When I mentioned my inability to identify, one of the hooker-addled dudes sneered and said "Yet."  Instant resentment on my part.

Point of this story is that identification is absolutely the most important stage of getting help.  I completely identify as an alcoholic.  I don't identify as a drug addict.  I don't identify as a food, or sex, or gambling addict.

Great post (as fucking always) 

You're totally right in it being almost impossible going it alone. I don't think I could ever quit drinking just with my own self will (kind of like you said, I can quit smoking weed or eating fast food or sports betting at the flip of a switch. It's.... different).

Never tried to quit watching porn. That sounds like an interesting challenge.

Then again, I have never had any personal issues/consequences from my porn habits. It hasn't gotten me cuffed three times and totalled my car and broken my mom's kitchen window (that's a fun story). 

[Dertyberd 394]

One year today.  This is my second time to have a trip around the sun sober. I am beyond grateful I was able to have this year, if it is possible to be beyond grateful.  I know I am very fortunate to have my life and my sanity today.  It took me going drunkingly insane that only a hopeless alcoholic can know (still didn't sober up right away), while almost dying (cops should've shot me) to bring me to full on surrender. I thought I knew better 3+ years ago when I was slowly killing myself with liquor, but my mind kept trying to convince me that after almost two years sober I would get some self knowledge and beat this disease.  

It didn't work out well at all.  

Instead, and by the grace of my higher power, I was able to have a moment that brought me back in.  I was dry and seeing a woman, we met when I was "sober" for a few weeks.  I had stopped by to see her on a Friday night when nothing was going on.  I had been drinking that day, but not enough for her to notice yet.  After my third trip out to the car to (swill down as much vodka as I could to suppress the anxiety) get smokes, phone, whatever excuse it was, she busted me cold.  I don't think I can describe the look, but if you drink like I do, you've seen it.  A normal person sees someone, some "thing", that their face kind of recoils in bewilderment/disgust/pity/horror all at the same time.  If you're lucky like I was, you get some grace and they ask WTF is wrong and how is it possible that a person like you could do this?  If you're also lucky and have a moment of honesty because you know exactly who you are, you blurt out the words "I'm an alcoholic and I need some help sobering up so I can get to a meeting ASAP. I can't live like this."

I knew what to do and I knew where to go.  The jig was up.  I was defeated, thank God.  No telling how long it could've gone on.  The anxiety, sweats, shakes, vomit, excuses, mind fuckery, lack of peace, no sleep, loneliness, hopelessness, bitterness, worry, fear, anger, isolation, finger pointing, resentment, hollow eyes, empty soul, and gut rot would have continued until I died or I had another moment to take action.  We never know if it will come again.  I got mine and couldn't let it pass by.  

The ride has gone faster and smoother than the first time because I quit expecting anything.  I let go.  I've found complete and total surrender.  I know who I am and I know what afflicts me.  I am cool with both.  I'm just a guy who has a different view and experience of life than most, but I'm not alone.  I've seen the only thing worse than hell, complete darkness, but I made it back to the light.  I am one of the lucky ones.  I'm alive.    

Grateful for all of you on this board and for the fellowship I get to share with folks like me.  It's truly a remarkable life worth living.  If any of you out there are lurking, the scariest part of this deal is making the call or walking in to ask for help.  There's plenty of help out there with some cool people you never knew existed.  I hope you find the peace you need without eating a bullet or dying a slow lonely death.  The only constant is change, why not try it?  Much love.  

[El Diablo 4232]

Congratulations! I'm a few days shy of my 3rd trip around the sun sober myself. Friday to be exact. Schlong was in town and went to a meeting, met some strangers and told them of my predicament so those strangers called another stranger who came and got me.

I'm living proof that all you have to do to get started is ASK.

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

1 hour ago, Dertyberd said:

 After my third trip out to the car to (swill down as much vodka as I could to suppress the anxiety)

If you're reading this and you don't understand precisely what he means by this-- what it would feel like to sneak off to chug vodka, because your anxiety level demands that you do so-- consider yourself lucky. 

Congrats on a year, Derty

[Dertyberd 394]

17 minutes ago, SwanderedTalent said:

If you're reading this and you don't understand precisely what he means by this-- what it would feel like to sneak off to chug vodka, because your anxiety level demands that you do so-- consider yourself lucky. 

Congrats on a year, Derty

Thanks brother.  It's a hell of a thing I wouldn't wish on anyone.  Very dark times that I was certain would only cease with a miracle. I was right.  

The nice thing is, miracles are real. You just have to be willing for a moment to believe they're possible.  

Edited January 22, 2019 by Dertyberd

[Reagan1k 3045]

2 hours ago, Dertyberd said:

I don't think I can describe the look, but if you drink like I do, you've seen it.  A normal person sees someone, some "thing", that their face kind of recoils in bewilderment/disgust/pity/horror all at the same time.

Congrats man - That's awesome

I know that look.  I got it when my wife found I had a shadow bar in the top of the cabinets of our condo while on vacation.  I was supposed to be moderating and only having 2 drinks a day...bwaaahhhh. 

I knew the one bottle she bought for the 3-4 days would a) not last me and b) give away my real consumption....so I finagled a trip to the store and hid several bottles of vodka above the oven. 

I'd let her see me make my 2 gentlemanly drinks per day from the communal bottle, but before, during, and after I was hammering my shadow stash.

Well fuck me running if I didn't drunkenly forget to close the cabinet door on the last day and she found the wreckage as we packed. 

She realized I'd been hammered and hiding it the whole trip - ruined what she otherwise thought was a good time.  Her look was just as you described.

Anyway - keep on doing what you're doing and godspeed.

[JohnnyRage 1617]

I’m happy for you Derty!

[BearSchlong 8282]

Congratulations Derty!!!!!

 

[Celery Man 21140]

Happy birthday brother.

It's interesting how getting sober gives you a birthday you can get excited about.

[gasman 114]

Nice Derty! And you are certainly right about the miracles. 

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

17 hours ago, Reagan1k said:

I know that look.

If a person has to explain any facet of their drinking to a loved one-- if any of it is surprising and needs clarification-- they're probably one of us. 

[Charles DeMar 221]

Congrats, Derty.  That's awesome and thank you for being open, vulnerable, and truthful.  That's one of the most amazing things I've found in the community of recovery - no more need for posturing or lies.  The straight dope is powerful, freeing, and reassuring that "I'm not in this alone."

 

Blessings to all on yet another day on this whirling ball.

 

 

[BearSchlong 8282]

How many of you are active in sponsorship?  How are you working your 12th step?

 

Edited January 23, 2019 by BearSchlong

[Dewey 3337]

I'm slightly active in sponsorship, I have 1 friend I'm helping. The others have all gone back out again and again and again. As for practicing the principles, I take the foundation the Big Book gave me, along with what I read every morning (Gita) pray and meditate and then go out into the world. I'm nowhere near the angry person I once was, I'm also not a jolly motherfucker either, just stay in the middle.

I have to say that Bill W is a hero of mine, his wisdom is unapproachable imo. It's well worth it to buy any book he has either written or is quoted in. Each time I open the BB, 12&12 or "As Bill Sees it", it puts me in a good place.

[El Diablo 4232]

2 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

How many of you are active in sponsorship?  How are you working your 12th step?

 

Not sponsoring. 12th Step for me is being available and making it known, when appropriate, that I'm a recovering alcoholic and am available.

[Dertyberd 394]

3 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

How many of you are active in sponsorship?  How are you working your 12th step?

 

Always at my committed meetings, helped launch the first campus group at the local University over the last several months, try to take at least 2 meetings a month to treatment centers in the area.  I've had a couple of guys ask me to sponsor them in the last year and it's never lasted more than 3 weeks.  I ask for 100% honesty and that doesn't seem to go well with them.  Out the door pretty quick.  

Always available to my group/call sheet and the normal folks in my fairly large social circle.  I'm "anonymous", but most folks know I quit drinking and ask if I can talk to someone they know who needs help.  I alway answer the phone or call back within 5 mins when anyone calls relating to alcohol.  I'm not a go tell it from the mountain guy at all, but I take being available very seriously.  

Edited January 23, 2019 by Dertyberd

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

I'm on my 12th step the way Pluto is a planet.

[Charles DeMar 221]

4 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

How many of you are active in sponsorship?  How are you working your 12th step?

 

I JUST finished the first go at the 12 steps.  My sponsor wants me to start raising my hand and embarking on other obvious service initiatives.  I'm a little over 5 months sober, and needless to say, a bit apprehensive that I'll "screw it up" with the first guy, but ... as the book points out, Bill W. was "only" 6 months sober when he started working with Dr. Bob.  I understand this is the part where it "gets good," so apprehension aside, I'm hoping to dive in soon.

 

Thanks

[Reagan1k 3045]

Charles- It’s an old saying, but you can’t screw up a newcomer any worse than they already are!  When your intentions are good and positive, nothing you do will be a negative in a newcomer’s life. 

It’s crazy how good you feel when you get out of yourself and help a newcomer. 

Good for you-  go get ‘em! 

 

 

[TwiceHorn 32174]

14 minutes ago, Reagan1k said:

Charles- It’s an old saying, but you can’t screw up a newcomer any worse than they already are!  When your intentions are good and positive, nothing you do will be a negative in a newcomer’s life. 

It’s crazy how good you feel when you get out of yourself and help a newcomer. 

Good for you-  go get ‘em! 

 

 

A good thing to do is offer to be a temporary sponsor for noobs.  Go into it with the understanding that it's only temporary, and it takes some of the pressure off you, although noobs can be a handful so don't get too many.  Just explain the process and why they need/want a more permanent sponsor.  Make them call you once a day or whatever.

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

All of that, and just tell the sponsee what happened, what you were like, and what you do now that's different. 

[gasman 114]

I sponsor a couple of people. It was certainly outside of my comfort zone, but I get more out of it than they do. 

[El Diablo 4232]

Getting another person thru the steps can be difficult because I think in some ways the steps are a bit like aggy - from the outside looking in it's some scary, mysterious and incomprehensible activity and from the inside looking out you wonder why you didn't fuck that chicken sooner. Eh, something like that. 

[Charles DeMar 221]

Thanks to all for the advice.  Will report back.

CDM