I'm An Alcoholic

[TwiceHorn 31,438]

4 minutes ago, thestud said:

 

His drinking cost him two separate fire jobs on two separate occasions. To get fired from our job, much less in the fashion that he was, and to then land another job speaks to just how awesome of a person and professional he was capable of being when the bottle didn’t have its hold on him. Today has been one of the more darker days I’ve had in recent memory. I’m writing a letter tonight to my current coworker that is in week two of his third rehab stint. Struggling with whether or not to tell him about this.

Glad you guys are here to vent to, and more importantly I’m glad you’re winning your respective fights.

 

I think I would tell him.  Let him know how high are the stakes.  He's in as safe an environment as he can possibly be.  

You may have other reasons not to tell him.

[BearSchlong 8,083]

3 hours ago, Tylerocks said:

I just want to chime in here and thank each of you for sharing your stories and experiences here.  I have no doubt they are helping you as well as those reading them.

While in school we had and assignment for a sociology or psych class to attend an AA or NA meeting and relay our experience.  I wrote that I felt guilty being there and thought it was a bs assignment and on some level an invasion of privacy even though it was obviously anonymous.  I feel the same way checking in on this thread "for entertainment purposes".

 

I admire your courage and wish you all well in your continuous battles.

 

Hook 'em

You're not being a voyeur by reading this thread, the internet is forever.  I have written numerous posts and then hit the delete key because I thought them inappropriate for the general audience.  One of my more uncomfortable conversations was with my father in law when he discovered a post that referred specifically to some of his work.  At dinner one night he said "how's it going, BearSchlong" and my blood froze, until I realized that he loves to google himself.

@thestud we have to embrace rigorous honesty. . .I hate the news you received, but by now it's a cliche - alcoholics tend to leave innocent victims behind.   Share that with your buddy and let him know that it could easily be him.

 

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

Man I'm sorry @thestud. No words, just sucks for all involved and way too young. 

[MaybeACoordinator 8,349]

On 10/3/2019 at 3:41 PM, Errestaurants said:

As I stated in my previous post-traveling for work is my conduit for excessive drinking. Everyone pretty much summed it up and hit all the points. Nothing to do after work cause you are in a hotel, business dinners that include alcohol, away from home and in a different city with great restaurants, interesting people at the hotel bars at these business hotels that can understand where you are coming from who also are drinking. I can find every reason/excuse to drink away from home.

I once read that we are genetically hard-wired to try to fuck around when traveling. They call it wanderlust for a reason: our DNA wants to be spread our seed far and wide, and alcohol is almost always the facilitator for hook-up sex.

(Although a good friend of mine, former drinking buddy in fact, became a fuck machine in early sobriety thanks to the Internet. Dude was getting it on with randos like a gay dude on Grinder. That story has a funny heartwarming ending. His wife had left him because he of his drinking and married some asshole with the quickness. My buddy got sober and then went on a full-on pussy rampage from Houston to Angola and back -- one time, he and some random chick arranged to meet in an airport bathroom where they both had a, um, layover. And at some point he got bored of that and stole his wife back from the asshole she'd married and now they are back together almost like nothing happened. He's been sober now for 16 years, and now his job takes him to New Orleans several times a month and he spends about half his weekends with his drunk in-laws at their lakehouse and he gives not a single shit about any of it.) 

[hundredTT 577]

At what point does coughing up blood get to the point of major life threatening stuff? Had it before but it was seldom. On my third day of slight blood, taste it more and more in my throat at night. I’m at the point of needing booze everyday or I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack/heart attack or faint come noon. Every day I almost wonder if booze is gonna finally send me to the ER, but honestly after around 5 drinks, everything fells about perfect. I’m 2 1/2 pints in and have no more body aches, headaches, or any pain at all. Only issue is when I lay down, the heartburn is almost unbearable unless I have around 10 tums and the blood taste is very bad. I know something bad is going on, just about feel I’m past the point of return now. I tired some other drugs but it’s not me, can’t kick the booze though. Again, sorry for sounding like a broken record - just airing out my shit.  

Edited October 5, 2019 by hundredTT

[Dewey 3,286]

Please go to the ER

[Yarbr 123]

I just caught up starting Aug 20th and this downfall is like a screenplay. I find it hard to believe someone in your position hasn't seeked out medical care. No offense man, it's just hard to process/believe.

To add, I entered rehab via ambulance.

Edited October 5, 2019 by Yarbr

[DalTxHornFan 3,097]

24 minutes ago, hundredTT said:

At what point does coughing up blood get to the point of major life threatening stuff? Had it before but it was seldom. On my third day of slight blood, taste it more and more in my throat at night. I’m at the point of needing booze everyday or I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack/heart attack or faint come noon. Every day I almost wonder if booze is gonna finally send me to the ER, but honestly after around 5 drinks, everything fells about perfect. I’m 2 1/2 pints in and have no more body aches, headaches, or any pain at all. Only issue is when I lay down, the heartburn is almost unbearable unless I have around 10 tums and the blood taste is very bad. I know something bad is going on, just about feel I’m past the point of return now. I tired some other drugs but it’s not me, can’t kick the booze though. Again, sorry for sounding like a broken record - just airing out my shit.  

Buddy, I'm just an observer on this thread and not a doctor, but, based on what you've posted (e.g., coughing up blood), you are in need of way more help than all the assholes on here can give you.  Good luck.

[J.R. 150]

1 hour ago, Yarbr said:

I just caught up starting Aug 20th and this downfall is like a screenplay. I find it hard to believe someone in your position hasn't seeked out medical care. No offense man, it's just hard to process/believe.

To add, I entered rehab via ambulance.

Hah love this. 

[J.R. 150]

1 hour ago, Yarbr said:

I just caught up starting Aug 20th and this downfall is like a screenplay. I find it hard to believe someone in your position hasn't seeked out medical care. No offense man, it's just hard to process/believe.

To add, I entered rehab via ambulance.

Hah love this. 

[MaybeACoordinator 8,349]

6 hours ago, Yarbr said:

I just caught up starting Aug 20th and this downfall is like a screenplay. I find it hard to believe someone in your position hasn't seeked out medical care. No offense man, it's just hard to process/believe.

To add, I entered rehab via ambulance.

I recently met a guy in rehab the color of grey poupon and who looked 7 months pregnant thanks to fluid retention and who said he was coughing up blood on the day he was persuaded to finally seek help. On that same day, he had to be talked out of attending a wine tasting, one he was stubbornly insisting that he just had to attend. (He probably would have been escorted out of there had he showed up looking like he did.)

[ernest_t_bass 1,196]

8 hours ago, hundredTT said:

At what point does coughing up blood get to the point of major life threatening stuff? Had it before but it was seldom. On my third day of slight blood, taste it more and more in my throat at night. I’m at the point of needing booze everyday or I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack/heart attack or faint come noon. Every day I almost wonder if booze is gonna finally send me to the ER, but honestly after around 5 drinks, everything fells about perfect. I’m 2 1/2 pints in and have no more body aches, headaches, or any pain at all. Only issue is when I lay down, the heartburn is almost unbearable unless I have around 10 tums and the blood taste is very bad. I know something bad is going on, just about feel I’m past the point of return now. I tired some other drugs but it’s not me, can’t kick the booze though. Again, sorry for sounding like a broken record - just airing out my shit.  

JFC, your GERD has GERD.  

[ernest_t_bass 1,196]

7 hours ago, J.R. said:

Hah love this. 

 

7 hours ago, J.R. said:

Hah love this. 

 

7 hours ago, J.R. said:

Hah love this. 

Love these

[TwiceHorn 31,438]

Hundredtt, please seek medical attention.  You may just have an ulcer.  But you may also have variceles (varicose veins) in the esophagus that are rupturing.  It is not uncommon for alcoholics to bleed out from the esophagus from these.

[Dewey 3,286]

9 hours ago, hundredTT said:

At what point does coughing up blood get to the point of major life threatening stuff? Had it before but it was seldom. On my third day of slight blood, taste it more and more in my throat at night. I’m at the point of needing booze everyday or I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack/heart attack or faint come noon. Every day I almost wonder if booze is gonna finally send me to the ER, but honestly after around 5 drinks, everything fells about perfect. I’m 2 1/2 pints in and have no more body aches, headaches, or any pain at all. Only issue is when I lay down, the heartburn is almost unbearable unless I have around 10 tums and the blood taste is very bad. I know something bad is going on, just about feel I’m past the point of return now. I tired some other drugs but it’s not me, can’t kick the booze though. Again, sorry for sounding like a broken record - just airing out my shit.  

Please seek help, your ignorance is nothing more than you ignoring the benefits that you will receive in seeking help. You're ignoring a better life because you want a better life to involve alcohol, that's just not a possibility, never will be. Your health is deteriorating at a pretty good clip. You should start now and let people help you. The pains you will go through in getting better pale in comparison to the pains you are in now. All this talk of feeling better after 5 or 6 drinks is all bullshit. The pain you feel inside never goes away. I dont know what that pain might be, but it will never go away with the drinking. You will continue to be haunted until you yourself face up to it, not with liquid courage, but with your own self made courage. Again, you're ignoring a better life because you selfishly want that make-believe life alcohol has promised you, yet you sit there and rot. Alcohol is a lie, every good thing you think it has promised you is a lie, just take a look, you're going backwards towards death, not forward. Please take action and get help, just fall into an AA meeting or stumble into the ER. 

[Celery Man 20,931]

The thing that i can confidently state is that you are at the point where continuing to do what you're doing is the most miserable choice you can make.  All of the things that you're afraid about with seeking help are nothing compared to what you are living every single day.  Go to a hospital, wander go to a meeting and tell someone you need help, call up somebody who probably loves you enough to help you get help if they can hear that you're laying on the bottom.  I had nightmares about your current life for a long time after I got sober, and I shudder when I think about that fucking horrible merry go round now.  You can get off.  Let us know how we can help.

[SwanderedTalent 5,761]

13 hours ago, hundredTT said:

At what point does coughing up blood get to the point of major life threatening stuff?

Hey, Hundred-- what else do you want to discover about the disease of alcoholism? Cause you're pretty much a PhD at this point, there's not much more to find out. 

[SwanderedTalent 5,761]

Like, you don't have to read every book ever written to graduate with an English degree.

[JohnnyRage 1,617]

@hundredTT

I’ll make it real simple for you, your fearful brain is lying to you. Don’t listen.

[Reagan1k 3,024]

@hundredTT    In any other forum and on any other topic, readers would already be calling this out as a masterful troll job. 

Those of us who are alcoholics know it isn’t and that’s what is so baffling about this disease.  

You couldn’t make this shit up.   Your disease (dis-ease) is causing an otherwise capable and rational man to act in a manner that is counter to all human emotions to fight for your survival.  Your disease would rather you die that be starved out a drink and your mind thinks that’s the only comfort available.  That is a lie. 

Unfortunately that’s all I have..... you know what has to be done.  The grace of recovery and peace are there for the taking.  Whether or not to grab the life preserver is up to you.  It is floating right beside you as you flail away in the water. 

Edited October 5, 2019 by Reagan1k

[Celery Man 20,931]

You know when you're little and you're at the pool.  And the water is frigid.  And maybe you try dipping a toe in.  Then stepping onto the first step, and then the next, and then the next but going on your tippy toes because your junk touched the water and it's fucking cold.  And lowering yourself in millimeter by millimeter.  And it was fucking agonizing but eventually you're in the pool and it's not bad at all.

And maybe the next time you were a little bit wiser, or your dad or some older kid tells you to just jump in.  And there's that terrifying moment where you can see the water and you know how cold it is and you really don't want to do it but you just move your legs to make yourself go into the air even as you're screaming "OH SHIT NONONONO" and staring at the water coming at you and then you're in the water and it's cold as hell and then 10 seconds later it's not that cold and you're swimming.

This is a jump into the pool moment.

[El Diablo 4,232]

Dial 911. Tell 'em where you are and that you're coughing up blood. You can probably hang up then. I'll be praying for you.

[JohnnyRage 1,617]

@ztejas how's it going? Are you able to enjoy this SMU run?

[BearSchlong 8,083]

@hundredTT "At what point does coughing up blood get to the point of major life threatening stuff?"

I pray that one day you can return to this thread and see, through sober eyes, the absolute insanity of your question.

[SwanderedTalent 5,761]

3 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

@hundredTT "At what point does coughing up blood get to the point of major life threatening stuff?"

I pray that one day you can return to this thread and see, through sober eyes, the absolute insanity of your question.

Yeah. Just trying to imagine what he was looking for. "It's not life threatening? Oh, great, I can keep doing what I'm doing."

[El Diablo 4,232]

18 minutes ago, SwanderedTalent said:

Yeah. Just trying to imagine what he was looking for. "It's not life threatening? Oh, great, I can keep doing what I'm doing."

To borrow an analogy from the Big Book, it's a bit like the habitual jaywalker.

[BearSchlong 8,083]

Don't know why this came to mind but here goes: Years ago I used to sponsor a RN whose drink of choice was Purell hand sanitizer.  He was somehow holding down a job at a dialysis facility, and to look at him you'd think he was the model of stability.  He told me that he used to get half a cup of water, add Purell, stir, and drink his "homemade vodka."  I guess you had to be there, but what struck me was the stark contrast between his freakish (even by alcoholic standards) oddball behavior and his seeming nonchalant normalcy.  Like having a lunch time visit with a good buddy discussing items of little consequence who suddenly busts out with "looks like I'm coughing up blood again, I might want to get that looked at."

He was admitted to the hospital to get detoxed, yet his BAC inexplicably kept rising. . .until the nurses checked the hand sanitizer supply and figured it out.

Think I'll go home, cook dinner, do some laundry, play with the dog. . .you know, unless I'm coughing up too much blood.

No idea what happened to that guy.  Maybe he's sober, maybe not.

In the end, I'm positive my ex wife can point to examples of equally insane behavior in my life from 2004-2010.

[JohnnyRage 1,617]

But it's the wrong kind of alcohol, right?

 

[TwiceHorn 31,438]

Purell actually contains ethanol, surprisingly.  Supposedly no bacteria have become ethanol resistant.  Also isopropanol and some other fun shit that's about guaranteed to make you sick as a dog.

Edited October 8, 2019 by TwiceHorn

[BearSchlong 8,083]

To be honest, I was using "purell" like some people say "kleenex" - a generic description. Not sure of the exact brand.

 

 

[Celery Man 20,931]

Hey Hundred, let us know how it’s going if you’re still around. Kinda hoping that you wound up somewhere and are getting through detox right now, but if not check in. Hope you understand that when we point out the crazy, it’s from a place of complete understanding.

[Sbbruin 21,829]

On 10/4/2019 at 8:19 PM, hundredTT said:

At what point does coughing up blood get to the point of major life threatening stuff? Had it before but it was seldom. On my third day of slight blood, taste it more and more in my throat at night. I’m at the point of needing booze everyday or I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack/heart attack or faint come noon. Every day I almost wonder if booze is gonna finally send me to the ER, but honestly after around 5 drinks, everything fells about perfect. I’m 2 1/2 pints in and have no more body aches, headaches, or any pain at all. Only issue is when I lay down, the heartburn is almost unbearable unless I have around 10 tums and the blood taste is very bad. I know something bad is going on, just about feel I’m past the point of return now. I tired some other drugs but it’s not me, can’t kick the booze though. Again, sorry for sounding like a broken record - just airing out my shit.  

I too observe this thread, often to just stay, or try to stay, grounded.  You are helping me.  But killing yourself, and maybe very soon.  I spent a year or so trying to track down my birth mother, only to find out she died of an esophageal hemorrhage from alcoholism in 1983 at the age of 36.  She was apparently a beautiful woman (according to her brother, who I did track down and speak to about a year ago) who had a lot going for her, but booze grabbed hold and didn’t let go.  And you are there.  But you don’t have to die.  Listen to people on here who know way better than I do.  

[ztejas 43,411]

On 10/6/2019 at 9:53 AM, JohnnyRage said:

@ztejas how's it going? Are you able to enjoy this SMU run?

Thanks for the reach out man. I know I drift in and out here so it's nice for someone to keep me honest. 

I haven't been totally sober so no big sobriety milestones or anything. I do think I have a better control of my drinking right now than I have at any point since I wasn't a drinker to begin with. Grad school is keeping me pretty stone cold during the week and I tend to drink a bit on the weekends but mostly just beer - almost completely cut out liquor at this point. 

Saw a new therapist this morning so we'll see how that goes. 

As for SMU yes I'm enjoying the run - but they were such shit when I was on campus (save some of junior and senior year) that I'm not totally in the habit of watching every game. We also tend to get put on pretty ass TV stations so that doesn't help. 

Might come to Lee Harvey's Friday - haven't decided yet. If I do I'll probably have a few beers but not a chance I get as hammered as I was last year (if anyone remembers - hah).

@hundredTT hope you're doing okay man - sounds like a less than optimal situation. Looks like a lot of people are here for you if you need it. 

Edited October 8, 2019 by ztejas

[hundredTT 577]

Thanks for the worries brothers. I’m at a complete loss and I know it. I stopped coughing up blood yesterday, it goes in waves it seems. I’m not dumb and know I still have a bad prob though.  It seems alright now though, so I’ll wait for another flair. My fiancée and I are working it out, I’m not sure what else to say at this point. Love y’all but I’m not even close to wanting to quit boozin. 

[TwiceHorn 31,438]

This is going to come off as a bit dickish, but I guess it's unavoidable.

Why would a woman want to be in a long-term relationship with a guy that drinks so much he herfs up blood on a semi-regular basis.

Watching someone kill themselves in slo-mo is horrific and it usually doesn't involve blood.

Just trying to punch through some of the delusion.

[ernest_t_bass 1,196]

Sofa King stupid.  Cough up blood.  Know why you cough up blood.  Don't care, had booze.  If that ain't an alcoholic, I don't know what is.

[hundredTT 577]

My SO has no idea what my alcohol level is. I’ve tricked so many people, I thought I had mastered booze covering. My so actually liked me more because with booze I would open up and pay attention to her bs. I still have most people tricked about how bad I am. I use to feel special like I was a functional alcoholic and I beat the system. Where I am at now and how fast I’ve been stricken to nothing, I’m not stupid enough to know I’ll be dead soon. Honestly, I cannot break my cycle at this point of needing around 3 pints of vodka to feel normal and around 5 to ease all my pain. I have around 2 month later left of backpay at my job, after that I think I’d rather be dead than go on at a homeless shelter. My mindset is to go all out. 

Edited October 9, 2019 by hundredTT

[El Diablo 4,232]

RIP?  

[hundredTT 577]

30 minutes ago, El Diablo said:

RIP?  

See you in hell, wait you’ll be blind motherfucker.

 

I’m feeling amazing, crazy how I know this feeling is just temporary, but damn I don’t think I could ever feel even close to this good sober. 

Edited October 9, 2019 by hundredTT

[Dewey 3,286]

2 hours ago, hundredTT said:

Thanks for the worries brothers.

I wasnt worried, if anything I was hoping youd turn it around, beat the disease. 

Do your SO  a favor and be honest with her, if you love her. Let her go, she doesnt deserve to go down that road with you. It's your disease, not hers. Dont try to work anything out.

 

[JohnnyRage 1,617]

nothing

 

Edited October 9, 2019 by JohnnyRage
I'be got nothing if you are going to be so obtuse/dead

[hundredTT 577]

16 minutes ago, Dewey said:

I wasnt worried, if anything I was hoping youd turn it around, beat the disease. 

Do your SO  a favor and be honest with her, if you love her. Let her go, she doesnt deserve to go down that road with you. It's your disease, not hers. Dont try to work anything out.

 

She’s the one who stays. Believe it or not, you can be loved and still be a drunk. Not everyone beats their Wife in this state - she is free to leave whenever, she’s the one who comes back every-time and tries to save me. Hell I could beat the bitch and she’d still believe in me. Wouldn’t happen, but I can manipulate her like silly putty. 

Edited October 9, 2019 by hundredTT

[TwiceHorn 31,438]

Also worth mentioning is the part about the SO liking it when you're soused.

We often talk about how alcoholism/addiction takes a toll on the family and loved ones.  It's not just the despair of being unable to do anything. This is a pretty good example.  The dry alcoholic frequently is so difficult to live with, and the drinking alcoholic so "malleable," and sentimental, and relatively pleasant, etc. that the spouse, SO, or other family member actually comes to prefer the drunk version and consciously or unconsciously enables it.  They also turn into Cajun's "Rescue Ranger," which is pretty self-explanatory.  Their co-dependency and other behavior begins to resemble its own form of addiction.  The sickness spreads.

Al-Anon is dedicated to remedying this collateral damage.  "Black Belt Al-Anons," as BearSchlong often refers to, are exceptionally ruthless at exposing co-dependency and related collateral damage and yanking the SO out of it.

Edited October 9, 2019 by TwiceHorn

[hundredTT 577]

Im gonna stfu sorry Diablo, not sure I was even replying to the right person. I’m a fucking deadbeat, obviously shouldn’t be hard to see that. Good night fellas

Edited October 9, 2019 by hundredTT

[Celery Man 20,931]

One thing I realized after I got sober is that I actually like people. Used to think that I didn’t. I don’t know if that’s a thing that other people have found in sobriety. Probably a characteristic of mine that was masked by my general level of anxiety and frustration. It probably was helped by my increase in confidence once I started to feel comfortable, and both understand and be at peace with what I’m bad at versus what I’m good at. I still sometimes get bent out of shape. And then I work through it and in doing so better understand and then better like the person who irked me.

I’m thinking about what you said about listening to your SO’s bs, and why it is (apart from drinking) that I sucked as a boyfriend but got better in sobriety.

On going hard and burning out, I had a kind of idea that I would buy a trailer in a semi rural part of some square state and disappear until I died. Figured I could stretch it out enough and drink enough to make my money match my longevity and just turn to dust. I’m glad I was too much of a pussy to act on that, hope you are too. I understand the feel. Also the crazy thing of how bad you could feel, and even struggle to get down the first several drinks, and then at some point, well oiled machine and everything is ok. And then you wake up with heartburn and nausea and vomit and curse and try and get back to that place. The most miserable thing ever, just absolute torment.

Sounds like you’re set on doing that for a while longer. I get it. Wish I could convince you that all the stuff you think will be shitty about getting sober is actually fine, but I don’t think you’re probably ready. But do keep us posted man because we care and I’d prefer the timeline where you get your shot together and we talk through that whole journey to the one where someday it’s been a long time since we’ve heard from you and you’re probably dead.

[SwanderedTalent 5,761]

6 hours ago, Celery Man said:

On going hard and burning out, I had a kind of idea that I would buy a trailer in a semi rural part of some square state and disappear until I died. Figured I could stretch it out enough and drink enough to make my money match my longevity and just turn to dust.

My "fuck everyone and everything" fantasy was to buy the house I grew up in and go out like Layne Staley. Just drink and play videogames until I stopped waking up. And I don't even play videogames, so that part of the plan was not great. 

Now, that was not a very good idea, but it looks even worse when I compare it to the life I have today. In 12 minutes, it will be time for my two-year-old daughter to get up. We'll change her, feed her some breakfast while she watches PBS Kids. get her dressed, and then she and I will run some errands before I hand her to her Mom and I start work at 9 AM. I just spent 40 minutes working on lead guitar parts for church on Sunday. The weather's nice, I live in a beautiful part of a beautiful city. I'll go to an AA meeting at noon and most of the 30 or so people there will treat me with friendly warmth when I walk in the door. 

Any time I decide that's not good enough, the door is always open.

[hullabelew 3,723]

This girl was in rehab with me in May. 37 yrs old, married, 3 kids. Her funeral was Sept. 13.


 

Edited October 9, 2019 by hullabelew

[SwanderedTalent 5,761]

8 hours ago, hundredTT said:

My so actually liked me more because with booze

She thinks that, but she's never seen you sober and recovered. You're saying she prefers Slim Jims to gristle-- sure, who wouldn't? Now think how she'd feel if you put a giant fucking rare ribeye steak in front of her. 

[hullabelew 3,723]

7 minutes ago, SwanderedTalent said:

She thinks that, but she's never seen you sober and recovered. You're saying she prefers Slim Jims to gristle-- sure, who wouldn't? Now think how she'd feel if you put a giant fucking rare ribeye steak in front of her. 

I doubt she honestly thinks it.  I told myself that my wife felt the same way. 

[Dewey 3,286]

9 hours ago, hundredTT said:

She’s the one who stays. Believe it or not, you can be loved and still be a drunk. Not everyone beats their Wife in this state - she is free to leave whenever, she’s the one who comes back every-time and tries to save me. Hell I could beat the bitch and she’d still believe in me. Wouldn’t happen, but I can manipulate her like silly putty. 

She deserves to know your plan of drinking yourself to death. That way she can get on with the grieving process and move on with life. Treat yourself like shit all you want, but she doesnt deserve the treatment you're giving her.

I was right where you are, full of fuck it. Same plan too, had no desire to stop and also didnt believe I could get sober. First trip to rehab I came out after 31 days and right back to the bottle, even harder than before. Mixing in an 8 ball when I could find it. Was resigned to dying. Had this old man who knew only what he saw, himself an alcoholic, bring me 12 packs and talk to.me about getting better, dont know what got into me, I called him one night and said okay, let's do it. Picked me up, took me to good place and from there, I'm not really sure why, a light came. 

I believe you have the same fate in you, I believe we all have it, it's just giving ourselves chances to find it. Whether you want to give yourself another chance to find it and get right is up to you, but that girl deserves to know your plan.

Best to you homie