I'm An Alcoholic

[BearSchlong 8253]

12 hours ago, hundredTT said:

 Honestly, I cannot break my cycle at this point of needing around 3 pints of vodka to feel normal and around 5 to ease all my pain. I have around 2 month later left of backpay at my job, after that I think I’d rather be dead than go on at a homeless shelter. My mindset is to go all out. 

I can empathize. Man this just plain sucks.  Been there, and I remember how that felt.  Just awful. I couldn't imagine life with or without whisky.

May God's will be done in your life, @hundredTT, which could go either way.

You could have that mental "click" where your self preservation instinct kicks in and you decide it's not time to die.

You could simply disappear and we'll wonder if you're dead.

At the end, it was between me and my creator.  I was beyond human aid. I had to make a decision. I had to take action.

I have to act my way into better thinking.  And it all started by saying the 3 hardest words - "I need help"

Our hands are outstretched.  it's perfectly permissible to grasp one of them.

You will be amazed at the kindness and humanity at your fingertips.

[BearSchlong 8253]

This girl was in rehab with me in May. 37 yrs old, married, 3 kids. Her funeral was Sept. 13.

 

 

 

awful stuff. NSIAP. My first and only AA relationship. Wet brain at 38, but didnt die till she was 45. Left behind 2 daughters. Aggie engineer. Tragic. Affected me deeply.

 

 

[Reagan1k 3043]

@hundredTT I'm saddened when I read your posts but am grateful you are still here.

Who knows......you may well be helping another struggling alcoholic lurking here without your even knowing it. 

More than that, how amazing would your story be in a few months if you allowed yourself to be pulled out of this nosedive? 

The number of people you could help and the lives you could change is mind-blowing.

Here's to hoping that your brain surrenders before your body does.  

Godspeed.

[JohnnyRage 1617]

I’ve got one guys...

What was or could have been your alter ego drinking nickname?

Mine should be obvious, but I don’t remember if I’ve ever shared that with you all. I got that nickname probably around my senior year of high school. It was in part due to my affinity for Rage Against The Machine and my idealistic nature, but the other part was that pretty much from the beginning I’ve been a dysfunctional drinker. 

Ive had to make a lot of apologies in my lifetime for behaviors that I couldn’t even remember doing.

Johnnyrage

What’s yours?

[JohnnyRage 1617]

Phone refresh double post

Edited October 9, 2019 by JohnnyRage

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

1 hour ago, JohnnyRage said:

What’s yours?

The Walking Dead

or, come to think of it, SwanderedTalent works pretty well too

Edited October 9, 2019 by SwanderedTalent

[BearSchlong 8253]

Brando?

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

19 hours ago, Celery Man said:

One thing I realized after I got sober is that I actually like people. Used to think that I didn’t. I don’t know if that’s a thing that other people have found in sobriety. Probably a characteristic of mine that was masked by my general level of anxiety and frustration. It probably was helped by my increase in confidence once I started to feel comfortable, and both understand and be at peace with what I’m bad at versus what I’m good at. I still sometimes get bent out of shape. And then I work through it and in doing so better understand and then better like the person who irked me.

I’m thinking about what you said about listening to your SO’s bs, and why it is (apart from drinking) that I sucked as a boyfriend but got better in sobriety.

On going hard and burning out, I had a kind of idea that I would buy a trailer in a semi rural part of some square state and disappear until I died. Figured I could stretch it out enough and drink enough to make my money match my longevity and just turn to dust. I’m glad I was too much of a pussy to act on that, hope you are too. I understand the feel. Also the crazy thing of how bad you could feel, and even struggle to get down the first several drinks, and then at some point, well oiled machine and everything is ok. And then you wake up with heartburn and nausea and vomit and curse and try and get back to that place. The most miserable thing ever, just absolute torment.

Sounds like you’re set on doing that for a while longer. I get it. Wish I could convince you that all the stuff you think will be shitty about getting sober is actually fine, but I don’t think you’re probably ready. But do keep us posted man because we care and I’d prefer the timeline where you get your shot together and we talk through that whole journey to the one where someday it’s been a long time since we’ve heard from you and you’re probably dead.

Every day I read this thread and every day something is said here that I can relate to and helps remind me that I'm not alone in this. And it's really a great place to be able to lean on.  

But sometimes, often really,  somebody just knocks it out of the fucking park. And this one hit hard today. 

[ernest_t_bass 1196]

So... HundredTT is trolling, right?

[hundredTT 578]

1 hour ago, ernest_t_bass said:

So... HundredTT is trolling, right?

Here's a pic of my life now, killed Mccormick in 30 mins, Svedka is almost gone now: https://ibb.co/s9HgRgP

About to start pint 3, and just starting to get pretty tipsy and feelin no pain. Been hanging in there, again apologize after reading yesterdays dumb posts, embarrassing. Had to pull over driving today because I thought I was about to stroke out driving. Feels like the same anxiety that crept up last time I had this issue 3 years ago, but my health is much more poor. so I've been scared all day. Going to try and see a doctor tomorrow, I know something bad is right around the corner. 

 

 

Edited October 10, 2019 by hundredTT

[TwiceHorn 32111]

Odd curiosity.  Why buy pints when you're gonna drink 2-3-4-5 of em?

[JohnnyRage 1617]

Easier to measure, easier to hide/travel with.

[hundredTT 578]

1 minute ago, TwiceHorn said:

Odd curiosity.  Why buy pints when you're gonna drink 2-3-4-5 of em?

My cashier at my pflugerville boozehouse asked me the same thing, we are very cool at this point.  I told him it's because it's easier to hide, straight up. Ive walked past my girlfriend numerous times with pints in my pocket - tucked in my shirt when I have 4+, easier to discard as well. I always wondered how purveyors of alcohol feel about selling to obvious addicts, but apparently no fucks are given.  I used to try and spread my purchases around, but that was tired after around a year. No fucks given now. 

[ernest_t_bass 1196]

Hundred, I hope that you find the help that you need, and I hope that you arrive at the help unscathed.  But I have a bad feeling that you are going to hurt yourself terribly, or even worse, someone else, before you get that help.

Might I ask... what is your end game?  In your perfect scenario, knowing you are completely fucked up as you have said (for the most part), what do you want?  Why come around and boast about your rad pint drinking, coughing up blood, more pint drinking, hiding from GF, more pint drinking?  

[El Diablo 4232]

I posted some pics on the old site of my house that I took a day or two after I sobered up this time. For posterity. To never forget. When I got around to cleaning it out I carried out close to 20 large trash bags full of empty plastic handles, food containers, straight up garbage. When you run everyone off you don't have to hide it anymore. Got called into HR a few times for personal hygiene issues and for smelling like liquor on the job. Hadn't been drinking, just still had booze on the breath from the previous night and was gassing off. Footloose and carefree while the monkey shrieked with glee.

[hundredTT 578]

11 minutes ago, ernest_t_bass said:

Hundred, I hope that you find the help that you need, and I hope that you arrive at the help unscathed.  But I have a bad feeling that you are going to hurt yourself terribly, or even worse, someone else, before you get that help.

Might I ask... what is your end game?  In your perfect scenario, knowing you are completely fucked up as you have said (for the most part), what do you want?  Why come around and boast about your rad pint drinking, coughing up blood, more pint drinking, hiding from GF, more pint drinking?  

Because I've alienated about everyone else in my life, as I said this is my diary. I used shaggy around 3 years ago for inspiration to quit and I had 2.5 years sober on my own until last November.  I'm not here to troll or gain sympathy. fuck off if you think that.  Shag has helped me before,  and I read every post seriously knowing I am dealing with people who have been in my shoes.  Obviously I know what my fate will be if this goes on, and sometimes I think it's best to just die on my own by the bottle and free everyone's worries. I'm tires of my mom and dad + brothers making me such a burden, but I know they wont stop worrying, fucking makes me rage though. I don't know what my end game is, but I will continue to post here, so go fuck yourself if that bothers you. 

Edited October 10, 2019 by hundredTT

[ernest_t_bass 1196]

Do you want to stop drinking?  

[ztejas 44290]

28 minutes ago, hundredTT said:

Because I've alienated about everyone else in my life, as I said this is my diary. I used shaggy around 3 years ago for inspiration to quit and I had 2.5 years sober on my own until last November.  I'm not here to troll or gain sympathy. fuck off if you think that.  Shag has helped me before,  and I read every post seriously knowing I am dealing with people who have been in my shoes.  Obviously I know what my fate will be if this goes on, and sometimes I think it's best to just die on my own by the bottle and free everyone's worries. I'm tires of my mom and dad + brothers making me such a burden, but I know they wont stop worrying, fucking makes me rage though. I don't know what my end game is, but I will continue to post here, so go fuck yourself if that bothers you. 

You aren't bothering anyone. I think some of us are just trying to understand. 

[JohnnyRage 1617]

There's not much to understand about insanity.

Being in active addiction is like riding a crazy train, and it can seem impossible to get off of the ride. Addicts will do nearly anything to punt on the consequences of not getting another fix. For some no amount of 'will power' can suffice, an intervention or a bottom is needed.

What is truly insane is that addicts are not even necessarily getting their 'high'. They are more often digging themselves out of their low. It's no longer fun. It no longer works. It is mentally habitual with physical roots.

[JohnnyRage 1617]

@hundredTT going to see your doctor tomorrow is a fantastic idea. Please do. Even if you end up not wanting to, do us a solid. We need it.

[Dewey 3337]

Well, alcohol is a depressant which also gives a high. Unfortunately the high doesn't last long and the depressant last longer. So here we are trying to keep that high going by drinking more and more and we end up depressed. Then we pass out and wake up and try it again, never realizing just how much alcohol drags us down. Round and round.

Only realize life is great when you get off the crap.

[Celery Man 21108]

I love and respect my dad a ton, but it's a very... it's not a Hank Hill/Bobby Hill dynamic, because I'm not a Bobby Hill and he's a fucking... actuary who has not mowed a lawn as long as I've been alive to my recollection.  But that kind of unspoken agreement that feelings exist but stuff that's hard to talk about can be conveyed nonverbally or... I dunno.  You guys know what I mean.  Not a dearth of feelings being communicated, but an absence of feelings being talked about directly.  That was who I really didn't want to come clean to.  One time years before I got sober (when I was still in school), I was freaking out a bit about my inability to stop drinking and I actually drove home intending to come clean and ask him for help.  Didn't call ahead or anything, just showed up one Saturday afternoon.  I think he thought that he must have forgotten I told him (and I did used to pop in a lot because I had gigs in Houston frequently) and just said "Oh, hey!" when I walked in.  And I totally pussed out and just hung out for a bit and bought some booze and drank in my room at night and went back to Austin the next day.

At any rate, at La Hacienda there's a "family session" or something like that where your family comes for a day or two and you work stuff out (if they'll do that).  It was really moving to watch that happen with a lot of my rehab buddies (did it with maybe 6 patients/families in the room).  And then it was my turn and it's my sisters talking about how I isolated myself and ... my memory is really bad around this time but my sisters saying stuff that was absolutely correct and I was sorry for but.. whatever, yeah I know, i'll do better.  And my dad's turn, and I think he struggled for a bit to find words, and then said something like "I'm mad because.... I don't know why you thought you couldn't tell anybody.  Don't you know we love you?  Why?".  And that was tough to hear.  I just pulled that memory up, I may need to think on that more, that was a tough one.  

And we've gone back to the thing where we don't talk about feelings or very frequently at all really but he's proud of me and happy with me but it all goes largely unsaid.  When there's weather in Houston I ask if it's flooding and he asks how work is and says I should bring my dog down, and talks about the next time they're coming up to Austin.

I'm not sure what the point is as it relates to what you're talking about with being burden to your parents.  I don't want to guilt trip you because I don't know that that's a useful thing, but maybe it should be highlighted that you will definitely not CEASE to be a fucking burden if you disappear into a bottle and then disappear forever.  That'll be a thing they have to carry forever.  Of course I bet that, like me, you've been frustrated with the fact that while you could die, you can't cease to have ever existed.  I guess I'm glad that I got to have that conversation with my dad, and that... man a bit later he got to give a toast at my wedding and have all his friends come up and see his son get married and fuckin.. Mr. Jones who lived down the street is saying that I turned out to be a fine young man and all that stupid shit.  The way to erase the burden is not to erase your existence, it's to get well and live the life that you should be living if you weren't fighting to the death with an addiction to alcohol.  It also solves 90% of the rest of your problems and enables you to enjoy life.

Really hope you try and stay safe.  I talked about the swimming pool thing earlier, jumping in and not trying to dip your toes and scurry away or whatever.  At some point, you're going to have some help in front of you.  Fucking take the dive man.  Come back and chat with us.  It'll be a shock and then you can get on with swimming in the cool clean waters of life.  It's fucking nice man.  When you see that window, jump in.

[TwiceHorn 32111]

The amount of distorted thinking is amazing, but not surprising.  Celery's doing a great job of countering it.

[RubyManJack 47]

hundredtt, i understand. you are seen and heard and known and, heck, i love you. what man here hasn't secretly wished they'd get struck with a terminal diagnosis so that our descent into a living hell before death wasn't a choice we were making, but that we were victims? families couldnt be mad at us for having cancer. we werent cowards and burdens if we we got dealt the bad hereditary genes with the spades and clubs instead of the bad ones with the hearts and diamonds. right?

at the end of the day it's my belief that we have no power or control of whether we whip this thing or not, despite our best understanding. what i do know though is "there is one who has all power-- that one is God. May you find him now".

and why not find him through this thread and the words of the last few pages? keep coming back to this thread and reading what these completely insane drunks have to say; you know, your peers.

[BearSchlong 8253]

3 hours ago, hundredTT said:

Because I've alienated about everyone else in my life, as I said this is my diary. I used shaggy around 3 years ago for inspiration to quit and I had 2.5 years sober on my own until last November.  I'm not here to troll or gain sympathy. fuck off if you think that.  Shag has helped me before,  and I read every post seriously knowing I am dealing with people who have been in my shoes.  Obviously I know what my fate will be if this goes on, and sometimes I think it's best to just die on my own by the bottle and free everyone's worries. I'm tires of my mom and dad + brothers making me such a burden, but I know they wont stop worrying, fucking makes me rage though. I don't know what my end game is, but I will continue to post here, so go fuck yourself if that bothers you. 

Like others have said, you're no bother at all.

For some reason this reminds me of that case where someone was prosecuted for murder for telling someone to go kill themselves.  The details escape me but you get the idea. 

Like if @hundredTT dies and his family gets into his laptop and sees this thread where a recovered alcoholic uses the reverse psychology of the big book to say something like "aren't sure you're alcoholic?  Step into the nearest barroom and try some controlled drinking.  It may be worth it to find out the truth. . .yadda yadda yadda."

So, for the record, Mr. and Mrs. HundredTT,  if your son is dead and you're reading this - WE, WHO APPEAR TO HAVE RECOVERED FROM A SEEMINGLY HOPELESS STATE OF MIND AND BODY pray for your BABY BOY to take up his bed and live happy, joyous and free.  I have a son of my own for whom I would give my own life, and I can't imagine the heartache that you're going through.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way. . .

@hundredTT

I giggled when I logged in this evening and saw the debate about vodka pints, because that was the way I drank.  Case of Smirnoff half pints stuffed in and around my Grand Cherokee's spare tire area under the carpet, untucked shirt, hip pocket. That was my drinking.

I too have a family that loves me - I was in a room with my Dad, Stepmom, Mom, and Sister and they were all crying telling me they didn't want me to die.  I can remember it now like it was yesterday. For one magical moment in time, I saw the love that they had for me, and was able to break through the insanity of my own extreme selfishness to say "maybe you're right, and maybe I'm willing to go to Alcoholics Anonymous."

You said you were able to stay sober for 2.5 years ON YOUR OWN so don't bullshit us and tell us it can't be done.  My experience is that it's a helluva lot easier to get sober and stay stopped when I'm in the rooms with all the other freaks.  We're free entertainment and we just might save your life.

I'd like to point out your delusion that the end of your suffering will also end your family's.  On the contrary, if you die of active alcoholism that will be way more painful for your loved ones.  You can't imagine the heartache they'll experience every day for the rest of their lives.  Alcoholism is the most contagious disease on Earth.

You mentioned rage.  Oh my god, I know rage like no other.  I used it for fuel.  Later on I realized that rage and anger were nothing more than the way I processed fear.  The primordial fear - I was going to lose something I had (any semblance of a life) and wasn't going to get something I wanted (I just wanted a life worth living!!).

To quote George Washington in Hamilton, "Dying is easy son, living is harder."  I just want to do whatever I can to prevent you finding a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Would you be willing to talk to me on the phone for a few minutes?

Edited October 10, 2019 by BearSchlong

[BearSchlong 8253]

27 minutes ago, RubyManJack said:

hundredtt, i understand. you are seen and heard and known and, heck, i love you. what man here hasn't secretly wished they'd get struck with a terminal diagnosis so that our descent into a living hell before death wasn't a choice we were making, but that we were victims? families couldnt be mad at us for having cancer. we werent cowards and burdens if we we got dealt the bad hereditary genes with the spades and clubs instead of the bad ones with the hearts and diamonds. right?

at the end of the day it's my belief that we have no power or control of whether we whip this thing or not, despite our best understanding. what i do know though is "there is one who has all power-- that one is God. May you find him now".

and why not find him through this thread and the words of the last few pages? keep coming back to this thread and reading what these completely insane drunks have to say; you know, your peers.

Well, well, well, alright alright alright. . .how you been buddy?

[JohnnyRage 1617]

I'm not smart enough. Are there geotags in the photo that he posted?

[Homercles 10206]

30 minutes ago, JohnnyRage said:

I'm not smart enough. Are there geotags in the photo that he posted?

According to verexif website, no, just the resolution.  

[BearSchlong 8253]

@hundredTT what's your sit rep?

[Sbbruin 22147]

15 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

Would you be willing to talk to me on the phone for a few minutes?

@hundredTT do this.  Even if you just want to tell him to fuck off.  Hell, if no one else will talk to you, at least this asshole will.

[ztejas 44290]

He worked a Hamilton quote into his post. That's worth a phone call. 

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

15 minutes ago, Sbbruin said:

Even if you just want to tell him to fuck off.

Especially then! Who DOESN'T want to tell Bear to fuck off???

[hundredTT 578]

BearSchlong Ive contacted him at shaggy years ago 2014 maybe?. Not sure he remembers me. I will reach out to him soon, I know for sure he can help. Im so drunk I dont know how im typing 

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

Hundred, I was reading a story in the Big Book this morning and thought of you.

(They) told me in the beginning that I would not only find a way to live without having a drink, but that I would find a way to live without wanting to drink. 

That is 100% truth. It sounds like someone saying "we'll teach you to jump to the Moon" when you hear it while you're still drinking, but it's actually true. You can get a healthy separation from alcohol and then you can learn how to live through good, bad, indifferent without thinking about or wanting to pick up a drink. 

[El Diablo 4232]

3 hours ago, SwanderedTalent said:

Hundred, I was reading a story in the Big Book this morning and thought of you.

(They) told me in the beginning that I would not only find a way to live without having a drink, but that I would find a way to live without wanting to drink. 

That is 100% truth. It sounds like someone saying "we'll teach you to jump to the Moon" when you hear it while you're still drinking, but it's actually true. You can get a healthy separation from alcohol and then you can learn how to live through good, bad, indifferent without thinking about or wanting to pick up a drink. 

Needs to be quoted/repeated. This week - bank card died. Ordered new one. When they shipped it they killed the one that my Uber account is tied to. Go out yesterday morning to get my ride and nope, payment method declined. No time to fix so had to call boss to come to the house to pick me up. Card still not arrived so had to arrange for ride this morning. Co-worker is coming, pouring down rain and so I get my Redwing boots out of the closet that I haven't worn since last winter. Don't know what happened but the soles turned to bubble gum at some point in the last 12 months. Boots literally fall apart as I'm walking into work, they're still sitting outside the entrance to the building. Melted soles and all. Shitty week, great life though.

[Reagan1k 3043]

I certainly hope @hundredTT calls @BearSchlong.  It's heart wrenching to see someone struggle but I am reminded that if I am powerless over alcohol in my life, I'm sure as shit powerless over it in the life of another alcoholic. 

It's also a stark admonition to me that I am not guaranteed a return to sobriety if I pick up another drink.  

 

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

46 minutes ago, El Diablo said:

Needs to be quoted/repeated. This week - bank card died. Ordered new one. When they shipped it they killed the one that my Uber account is tied to. Go out yesterday morning to get my ride and nope, payment method declined. No time to fix so had to call boss to come to the house to pick me up. Card still not arrived so had to arrange for ride this morning. Co-worker is coming, pouring down rain and so I get my Redwing boots out of the closet that I haven't worn since last winter. Don't know what happened but the soles turned to bubble gum at some point in the last 12 months. Boots literally fall apart as I'm walking into work, they're still sitting outside the entrance to the building. Melted soles and all. Shitty week, great life though.

Is this a metaphor or are you saying your shoes actually melted inside your house? Did you have a fire in the closet? Are you really the Devil? 

[Reagan1k 3043]

@El Diablo  I've had that same thing happen to my boots.  It's like they reach a half-life and then turn to the consistency of chewed gum.....almost the opposite of a dry-rot. 

[El Diablo 4232]

8 minutes ago, Reagan1k said:

@El Diablo  I've had that same thing happen to my boots.  It's like they reach a half-life and then turn to the consistency of chewed gum.....almost the opposite of a dry-rot. 

I had a pair of Timberlands years ago that I wore a lot in salt water and the soles on them dried out and crumbled/split. I've been sitting here thinking about what might have caused it, some sort of solvent maybe? Not sure how that could have happened though without an odor being noticeable. It was still dark this morning and I'd already turned the lights out in the house when I made the decision to switch footwear. I've got a feeling I'm going home to a shitload of sticky black carpet. <- not a metaphor for bush.

[BearSchlong 8253]

My calloway golf bag recently did the same thing. . .all the zippers melted and there's oily sticky stuff in all the pockets. Only thing I did differently was put it in a travel bag and check it on a few airplanes.

[El Diablo 4232]

27 minutes ago, BearSchlong said:

My calloway golf bag recently did the same thing. . .all the zippers melted and there's oily sticky stuff in all the pockets. Only thing I did differently was put it in a travel bag and check it on a few airplanes.

Possibly proximity to airline food in your case?

[Celery Man 21108]

Hydrolysis breaking down polyurethane - water vapor/molecules getting in and breaking down the substance chemically, which is worse when stored for extended periods in humid climates.

[TwiceHorn 32111]

Celery is truly a renaissance man.

[Dertyberd 394]

1 hour ago, Celery Man said:

Hydrolysis breaking down polyurethane - water vapor/molecules getting in and breaking down the substance chemically, which is worse when stored for extended periods in humid climates.

Sounds like where my liver was headed a couple years ago. 
 

Prayers hundredTT that you find your bottom or the shock that brings you around to hope. I know it took me getting “the look”  of disgust from a friend who thought I was sober during one of my “secret” sprees to know I had one last chance in me to live. I’ve seen your hell and I’ve lived in your mind. I hope you find the fear at the bottom of it while you’re still alive.

I also know miracles happen.  There’s a room full of light waiting for you when that moment comes.

 I’ve never seen a man die after he surrenders. Much love. 

Edited October 12, 2019 by Dertyberd

[TexArcher 39078]

17 hours ago, SwanderedTalent said:

Hundred, I was reading a story in the Big Book this morning and thought of you.

(They) told me in the beginning that I would not only find a way to live without having a drink, but that I would find a way to live without wanting to drink. 

That is 100% truth. It sounds like someone saying "we'll teach you to jump to the Moon" when you hear it while you're still drinking, but it's actually true. You can get a healthy separation from alcohol and then you can learn how to live through good, bad, indifferent without thinking about or wanting to pick up a drink. 

This is correct.  I didn't believe it at first, either.  I thought the old-timers were just telling each other what they wanted to hear when it came to actually not wanting a drink, and secretly they all wished they could have one, but they just didn't, because they'd learned better habits or they'd feel guilty.

I was wrong.  You get enough separation from that pull and every aspect of your life improves so much that you realize you really don't want a drink.  There's nothing you want less, in fact.  

For me, it was somewhere between 12 and 18 months.  I realized I'd never drink again.  You could put a bottle of the finest scotch in the world in front of me, right now, and put a gun to my head and tell me to drink it or get shot.  And I'm telling you, we'd wrestle over that gun before I'd put that bottle to my lips.

Hundred: you are capable of changes you can't even imagine right now.  I'm not any stronger than you are, I guarantee it.

 

Edited October 12, 2019 by TexArcher

[El Diablo 4232]

It's called a leap of faith. The simple belief that all of these people didn't gather here just to lie to you about what's possible. I have a huge ego but even I on my drunkest days couldn't bring myself to believe that these rooms were full of people lying to me, some cruel conspiracy. When I was tired of what I had and decided I simply thought I wanted what they had I stuck out my hand. 

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

3 hours ago, El Diablo said:

It's called a leap of faith. The simple belief that all of these people didn't gather here just to lie to you about what's possible. I have a huge ego but even I on my drunkest days couldn't bring myself to believe that these rooms were full of people lying to me, some cruel conspiracy. When I was tired of what I had and decided I simply thought I wanted what they had I stuck out my hand. 

yes-- the whole wanting "what people in AA have" doesn't mean "learning to lie to yourself" or "pretending you don't want a drink and resisting with all your might every day". if it were that, who the fuck would want it? 

it is getting to the point that while you might think daily about the fact that you're an alcoholic, you rarely if ever think about alcohol, and when you do, it's even more rarely (if ever) a covetous thought of a drink

Edited October 12, 2019 by SwanderedTalent

[Celery Man 21108]

15 hours ago, TwiceHorn said:

Celery is truly a renaissance man.

 

Me going to rehab (which was also my first AA experience) was just complete surrender.  Game over, jig is up, guess I'm not dead but I'm thoroughly caught so I'm just going to do whatever I'm supposed to do.  Going somewhere for treatment was definitely useful for me in that manner - I was in a structured environment and was responsible for almost no decisions.  Less a leap of faith and more... I'm laying at the bottom of the pit and just allowing whatever is going to land on me to land on me.  For me that worked.

[BearSchlong 8253]

This morning at my meeting I heard something that blew my hair back.

"If I'm trying to control and enjoy something, I'm not controlling it or enjoying it."

Alcohol. . .finance. . .romance. . .the list could go on and on.

[DallasHorn26 589]

So after 6 months I decided I had it under control and gave it another go. Damn, was I wrong, it just lead down another path of self destruction and loathing in just a matter of a few weeks. Today marks day 2.

My mother grew up with alcoholic parents, but I only need my grandparents as the sober living people they came to be in the later years. After my mother passed last year, my step dad was going through some of her keepsakes and came across my grandparents AA chips. I'm not sure how old they are, but I think they're cool to have and though some of you guys may appreciate them. I'm going to keep them on me as inspiration.