I'm An Alcoholic

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

2 hours ago, BurntEyes said:

read the football sub less and continue to stay sober. 

Jesus, yes. 

[BearSchlong 8083]

So after 6 months I decided I had it under control and gave it another go. Damn, was I wrong, it just lead down another path of self destruction and loathing in just a matter of a few weeks. Today marks day 2.

My mother grew up with alcoholic parents, but I only need my grandparents as the sober living people they came to be in the later years. After my mother passed last year, my step dad was going through some of her keepsakes and came across my grandparents AA chips. I'm not sure how old they are, but I think they're cool to have and though some of you guys may appreciate them. I'm going to keep them on me as inspiration.

Going to meetings? I sure hope so.

Very cool that your grandparents got sober. I believe there must be a genetic component.

Every year my dad gives me his chip from the ones that he earned. They come pre-drilled for convenience. And yes I carry a Topo Chico opener.

[Kennythetiger 9375]

Know what doesn’t fit into any cup holder I’ve ever tried?  Topo Chico. 

[JohnnyRage 1617]

Topo Chico is manufactured BS. Also, anyone that drinks mineral water out of a plastic bottle is a dolt.

 

Yeah, I said it. 😉

Edited October 15, 2019 by JohnnyRage
joke --> man. bs - b/c anything that helps sobriety is no joke

[Celery Man 20931]

51 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

Know what doesn’t fit into any cup holder I’ve ever tried?  Topo Chico. 

leave the top on, bottle fits.

I buy a ton of topo chico but it's mostly my wife who drinks it.  My two drinks of choice are

and

[Kennythetiger 9375]

Ginger beer is my go-to at bars and restaurants when my companions are drinking, but it sure seems like it has a lot of sugar. Can’t win them all I guess. I just tell myself “Know what has less sugar?  Pendleton and water.  We’re doing fine.”  

[hullabelew 3723]

Got news last night that a guy in my small group at my IOP put a bullet through his head.  That one didn't kill him, so after 10 minutes he pulled the trigger again.  Leaves behind two small children.  I had a long talk with his brother about it.  He was set to sign his divorce papers on Monday.  His settlement was no child support payments to his ex, he was only contracted to pay for the kids' insurance, which he was doing anyway. The settlement granted him 51% of the custody.  He had a GREAT fucking job with Delta.  Everyone thought he was doing better.  his brother said he had everyone fooled.  

On Sunday, he sent his brother a text that said, "I'm not signing those fucking divorce papers.  Bye."  And he was gone.  The coroner said he didn't have any alcohol in his system.  The guy just gave up.....and leaves two small kids to deal with this for the rest of their lives.  

Really sad.  

[BearSchlong 8083]

Topo Chico is manufactured BS. Also, anyone that drinks mineral water out of a plastic bottle is a dolt.
 
Yeah, I said it.

Alanon/ well, you may be right. Alanon/

[JohnnyRage 1617]

@hullabelew that’s a tough one to hear. And for me it’s a conundrum, the imbalance in the world and how some people’s brains and bodies are wired differently or insufficiently. It doesn’t seem right, it doesn’t seem fair.

It’s certainly not fair to those kids. I was listening to NPR the other evening and they had a short segment on camps with counselors for children of addicted parents. It was terribly sad, I’m sure quite uplifting on a micro level, but terribly sad to think about the problem on the whole.

[El Diablo 4232]

1 hour ago, hullabelew said:

Got news last night that a guy in my small group at my IOP put a bullet through his head.  That one didn't kill him, so after 10 minutes he pulled the trigger again.  Leaves behind two small children.  I had a long talk with his brother about it.  He was set to sign his divorce papers on Monday.  His settlement was no child support payments to his ex, he was only contracted to pay for the kids' insurance, which he was doing anyway. The settlement granted him 51% of the custody.  He had a GREAT fucking job with Delta.  Everyone thought he was doing better.  his brother said he had everyone fooled.  

On Sunday, he sent his brother a text that said, "I'm not signing those fucking divorce papers.  Bye."  And he was gone.  The coroner said he didn't have any alcohol in his system.  The guy just gave up.....and leaves two small kids to deal with this for the rest of their lives.  

Really sad.  

I'm sorry to hear that, man. Life doesn't stop coming at us just because we start trying to live it on its terms. Terrible for the ones that are left behind.

[hullabelew 3723]

I never really thought his issues were alcohol based, but they sure didn't help.  There is a ton more to the story than I want to get in to and this wasn't his first suicide attempt.  Just fucking sucks.  Three of us in our group made it a mission to see who could make him smile, much less laugh.  I thought he came a long way in his time there but obviously he didn't.  The fact he wasn't drunk when he did it seems to show that booze really wasn't his problem.....but again, it surely didn't help in why he was in the IOP in the first place.  

Dude was an extremely talented artist but I didn't realize how talented until his brother posted some picture he had drawn.   Superhero stuff but professional quality, yet in the IOP, when we had any kind of art sessions, we really had to drag him along to participate.  Dude was just sad and killed himself over a broken heart.  

[hullabelew 3723]

33 minutes ago, JohnnyRage said:

@hullabelew that’s a tough one to hear. And for me it’s a conundrum, the imbalance in the world and how some people’s brains and bodies are wired differently or insufficiently. It doesn’t seem right, it doesn’t seem fair.

It’s certainly not fair to those kids. I was listening to NPR the other evening and they had a short segment on camps with counselors for children of addicted parents. It was terribly sad, I’m sure quite uplifting on a micro level, but terribly sad to think about the problem on the whole.

I heard the same podcast.  Hearing the kids talk about what they have to do to survive (though they didn't realize that is what they were doing) was heartbreaking. 

 

[hundredTT 577]

Checking in. I did 3 days again sober and am drunk as fuck now. I think in my mind 3 days justifys I’m not a hard core addict. The worse part is my loved ones think I’m checked into rehab. I honestly do not even remember how I convinced them, and they are very hands off when it comes to me. I can convince them of anything. I’m in a parking lot now on my second pint in hutto at Lowe’s. Feeling so great. I’m honestly scared real life will never reach me like this. Im jobless and family has taken me in. How does one admit he’s a drunken loser? Any advice? I’m so scared what my life might be...

Edited October 18, 2019 by hundredTT

[hundredTT 577]

Is anyone a available  to call? I’m freaking out 

[hundredTT 577]

My phones on 5% goodnight keep the fight going. 

[TwiceHorn 31438]

On 10/13/2019 at 11:56 AM, BurntEyes said:

If you'll allow me, I'll walk you through a list.

My flight was delayed getting into Dallas Thursday.

5 close friends didn't join me for dinner on Friday night at the place we always eat.

There was a bitchy singer at the evening venue and someone I thought was a friend neglected to pay a fair substantial amount of money after saying they would.

Not many hot chicks were out in Ellum. 

GM didn't bring the new Corvette to the car show. Fucking assholes 

I don't drink and it was a real bitch getting water or anything besides beer inside the fucking Cotton Bowl. I have a health issue related to my drinking past where that could cause me to have a seizure.

We lost the game in a bad fashion. I think our head coach sucks. My friends mostly bailed after the game. I had to walk a long way from the stadium to get an Uber. Gaston road to be exact.

Got in arguments here about our coaching.

Got up early. Had to deal with TSA bullshit. Gotta long drive after my flight.

Now... That was how I used to view shit. While all those things are true... Here is how I really see it, sans booze.

Despite some big storms I still made it in to Dallas Thursday.

I got to spend some quality time with my elderly mom on Friday and buy her, her birthday gifts early. I even got something nice for me at REI. 

Despite the fact they couldn't join, 2 friends from high school, a family member and a friend from my college life wanted to join, but their life stuff got in the way, it was nice knowing they all still care about me.

The dinner I had was fun with a couple of close friends, at a place I love. One of them dropping their pizza on the floor, which fell out of the to go box, was hilarious.

One of those friends met his sister who deals with her own health issues. She was a very cool person and it widened my knowledge of my friend to see how they engaged. It reminded me of me and my sister who passed away. It was extremely heart warming.

We went to a bar, and I feel like I might have helped 3 different people with their own drinking issues, if just in a minor way. I hope so. 

The twaty lead singer was smoking hot.

I got to the game early and the weather was amazing.

The wife of the couple next to me offered to snag me water when she went to get a drink. Her husband was sober and we had a very nice repartee during the game. Crazy world, I'm pretty sure he's been through some similar stuff as me. We also had the exact same shoes on, and I promise, they were the only two pair of those shoes in the stadium. It was really cool.

We didn't get blown out when, frankly we probably could have save a couple of interceptions.

I didn't stay long, and I was really tired. I saved some tickets for next year and got to get home and watch the later games. Not only that but got some rest.

Line was short at the airport. Got some grub and icecream. Don't need it, but fucking it, I didn't eat much fair food so...

It's nice weather at home.

I'm happy to be alive and I'm grateful for all of my friends and family.

It was a great weekend. 

Note to self: read the football sub less and continue to stay sober. 

Today is a great day to be alive.

 

 

The attitude of gratitude.  Nice work, my friend.

Not a necessary condition for sobriety, but it comes along with it, and it's nice.  Easier to keep sane.

[TwiceHorn 31438]

On 10/14/2019 at 9:11 PM, JohnnyRage said:

Topo Chico is manufactured BS. Also, anyone that drinks mineral water out of a plastic bottle is a dolt.

 

Yeah, I said it. 😉

All true.  I usually drink cheap-ass Refreshe seltzer water.  But, Topo, with its extra-turbo carbonation, is something else.  Also the basic mineral water it's made from seems pretty tasty.

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

13 hours ago, hundredTT said:

Checking in. I did 3 days again sober and am drunk as fuck now. I think in my mind 3 days justifys I’m not a hard core addict. The worse part is my loved ones think I’m checked into rehab. I honestly do not even remember how I convinced them, and they are very hands off when it comes to me. I can convince them of anything. I’m in a parking lot now on my second pint in hutto at Lowe’s. Feeling so great. I’m honestly scared real life will never reach me like this. Im jobless and family has taken me in. How does one admit he’s a drunken loser? Any advice? I’m so scared what my life might be...

 

13 hours ago, hundredTT said:

Is anyone a available  to call? I’m freaking out 

Hundred, I'm sorry you're going through this and sorry I didn't see your posts until now. In a crisis, you're better off calling AA Intergroup to talk to someone rather than hoping someone sees a post on a message board and is able to get in touch with you directly. The Hill Country Intergroup's number is 512-444-0071; save that in your phone. 

I don't think three days of abstinence "justifies that you're not a hard core addict", but I think the fact that you think it might is probably indicative of something. 

Don't put labels on this. Don't get hung up on "loser" or shit like that. You're a broken human being who needs help getting sober. That's all you gotta know right now.

[Homercles 10205]

15 hours ago, hundredTT said:

Checking in. I did 3 days again sober and am drunk as fuck now. I think in my mind 3 days justifys I’m not a hard core addict. The worse part is my loved ones think I’m checked into rehab. I honestly do not even remember how I convinced them, and they are very hands off when it comes to me. I can convince them of anything. I’m in a parking lot now on my second pint in hutto at Lowe’s. Feeling so great. I’m honestly scared real life will never reach me like this. Im jobless and family has taken me in. How does one admit he’s a drunken loser? Any advice? I’m so scared what my life might be...

Most of us aren’t ones to talk, having been guilty of driving when we shouldn’t at one point or another...but you may have some forced sobriety coming up if you keep drinking over half a liter of booze in your car.  

[TwiceHorn 31438]

30 minutes ago, SwanderedTalent said:

 

Hundred, I'm sorry you're going through this and sorry I didn't see your posts until now. In a crisis, you're better off calling AA Intergroup to talk to someone rather than hoping someone sees a post on a message board and is able to get in touch with you directly. The Hill Country Intergroup's number is 512-444-0071; save that in your phone. 

I don't think three days of abstinence "justifies that you're not a hard core addict", but I think the fact that you think it might is probably indicative of something. 

Don't put labels on this. Don't get hung up on "loser" or shit like that. You're a broken human being who needs help getting sober. That's all you gotta know right now.

Man, I read a couple of posts, replied to them, and skipped right over that.  It's merely annoying on other threads, when you wind up posting the same or similar thing to someone else.  Pretty regrettable here.

And yeah, Intergroup can probably send you a booze ninja 24/7.

[JohnnyRage 1617]

@hundredTTcheck back in please. It's a new day and always the best time to give it another go at living healthy.

3 days of heavy duty detox the hard way. No shit you'd want another drink.

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

18 minutes ago, JohnnyRage said:

3 days of heavy duty detox the hard way. No shit you'd want another drink.

that's the other thing we don't realize when we're trying to "do it on (my) own"-- as hard as it is to get in the van and let them take you to detox, to swallow your pride and put aside your fears and commit to it, it's a thousand times harder to try to quit on your own. The door in detox/rehab is always open AMA (against medical advice), but it's a real hassle to actually extricate yourself once you're in. on your own, the bottle or the bar or the liquor store is pretty easily within reach, if not today then tomorrow or the day after. 

[JohnnyRage 1617]

On top of the mind and body whisper screaming ideas in your head, just the dry reality of how far down you've fallen and all the shit that is surrounding you.

I'm sure three days of reality feels like enough. Time to stop thinking about how shitty things are. So let's make things deadly worse.

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

2 hours ago, JohnnyRage said:

On top of the mind and body whisper screaming ideas in your head, just the dry reality of how far down you've fallen and all the shit that is surrounding you.

I'm sure three days of reality feels like enough. Time to stop thinking about how shitty things are. So let's make things deadly worse.

that was what finally did it for me-- there just wasn't any escape from reality. I knew what was going on no matter how drunk I got, and all I could do for relief was pass out, but even that only lasted a few hours at a time.

I can't get what I seek from alcohol any more. It doesn't make me immune to relapse but it does take away basically all of the reasons for relapse other than "I would like to die".

[Celery Man 20931]

19 hours ago, hundredTT said:

Checking in. I did 3 days again sober and am drunk as fuck now. I think in my mind 3 days justifys I’m not a hard core addict. The worse part is my loved ones think I’m checked into rehab. I honestly do not even remember how I convinced them, and they are very hands off when it comes to me. I can convince them of anything. I’m in a parking lot now on my second pint in hutto at Lowe’s. Feeling so great. I’m honestly scared real life will never reach me like this. Im jobless and family has taken me in. How does one admit he’s a drunken loser? Any advice? I’m so scared what my life might be...

The thing that 3 days illustrates is that you're stubborn af.  That's terrible news until you decide to get help, and great news once you change your mind about that.  Also not an atypical trait for alcoholics.  I'm going to discard the word "hardcore" here but keep addict.  It's at least kinda binary.  The thing that demonstrates to me that you are an addict is almost anything else, but lets go with the next sentence where you've convinced loved ones that you've checked into rehab and have no recollection of how you did so.  That's some of that gooooood addict shit.  No problem man, nothing we haven't heard or done before.

Real life will catch up, what you're up to now is not sustainable.  Having been there and understanding what it is like, a lot of us here are really hoping that it catches up in a way that is not destructive to others and ultimately saves your life.  If you have family that has taken you in, my advice would be to ask them for help, or come clean and see what they have to say.  Far easier said than done, although really it's not the doing that is tough, it is the deciding to do.  The first jump.  Going back to the diving in the pool metaphor - it's not actually hard to do, it's hard to ignore your fear and build up the determination in the same instant to launch yourself in.  I think a blueprint for how to admit it might be something like "guys, I can't stop drinking.  I'm scared of what my life might be.  I need help." and then things might flow from there.  I'm a pussy, when a friend texted me asking wtf is going on with me I did some woe is me "hey man i'm sorry if you have to cut me loose i understand" and then a few hours later I was in a hospital, and 4 years later I'm sober and living a kickass life and enjoying myself as I do it.  There might be twists and turns along the way but if you can

a) decide that you're not going to be able to fix this

b) get some immediate help to fix this

c) take a break from running shit and let other folks run your life for a bit

d) and then turn that magnificent stubbornness on not taking a drink and employing the habits and thought patterns that can help you do that every day

the outlook is good.

You don't need to be two pints in on hard liquor to feel good.

[TwiceHorn 31438]

22 minutes ago, Celery Man said:

The thing that 3 days illustrates is that you're stubborn af.  That's terrible news until you decide to get help, and great news once you change your mind about that.  Also not an atypical trait for alcoholics.  I'm going to discard the word "hardcore" here but keep addict.  It's at least kinda binary.  The thing that demonstrates to me that you are an addict is almost anything else, but lets go with the next sentence where you've convinced loved ones that you've checked into rehab and have no recollection of how you did so.  That's some of that gooooood addict shit.  No problem man, nothing we haven't heard or done before.

Real life will catch up, what you're up to now is not sustainable.  Having been there and understanding what it is like, a lot of us here are really hoping that it catches up in a way that is not destructive to others and ultimately saves your life.  If you have family that has taken you in, my advice would be to ask them for help, or come clean and see what they have to say.  Far easier said than done, although really it's not the doing that is tough, it is the deciding to do.  The first jump.  Going back to the diving in the pool metaphor - it's not actually hard to do, it's hard to ignore your fear and build up the determination in the same instant to launch yourself in.  I think a blueprint for how to admit it might be something like "guys, I can't stop drinking.  I'm scared of what my life might be.  I need help." and then things might flow from there.  I'm a pussy, when a friend texted me asking wtf is going on with me I did some woe is me "hey man i'm sorry if you have to cut me loose i understand" and then a few hours later I was in a hospital, and 4 years later I'm sober and living a kickass life and enjoying myself as I do it.  There might be twists and turns along the way but if you can

a) decide that you're not going to be able to fix this

b) get some immediate help to fix this

c) take a break from running shit and let other folks run your life for a bit

d) and then turn that magnificent stubbornness on not taking a drink and employing the habits and thought patterns that can help you do that every day

the outlook is good.

You don't need to be two pints in on hard liquor to feel good.

And stop kidding yourself about "feeling good."  You feel like shit.

[El Diablo 4232]

On 10/18/2019 at 5:57 PM, hundredTT said:

My phones on 5% goodnight keep the fight going. 

Hope you've had a chance to charge your phone. Call Hill Country Intergroup - 512-444-0071 and don't hang up. You can do this.

[troph 24781]

I’ve got a dear friend in the hospital in ICU, he went to the hospital after throwing up blood, not just a cough. Vomit. Any time I see him before noon he’s lit. Starts with something in his coffee and never stops. Drugs too (special K). We tried to intervene about a year ago and he and his husband told us to back off, they didn’t have any problems. They are mid 50s, I love them dearly. We were supposed to go to a ZACH production together next Saturday. He was on a ventilator until this morning. No one knows but it’s not good. I’m with my kids this weekend but may see him late tonight if they say he’s turning for the worst but as of an hour ago he might just might scrape by.

 

I was also rear ended last week by a guy high as a kite. Looked like meth. Police didn’t arrest him because they didn’t smell anything and this is after I explained his girlfriend pleaded “don’t call the police he will go to jail.” They let him go and he and I drove the same direction from the scene and he swerved over three lanes of traffic, almost hit my girlfriends car and in reaction to that swerved hard to the left as the road curved to the right and he popped the curb going 45 mph. I called 911 and they sent a car to get him.

 

A dad and coach showed up drunk at little league practice yesterday. Made his own son cry with animated “come on son” talk. Couldn’t put his glove on the ball for anything. Head coach had to calm his son down and make the dad shut up.

 

Dangerous shit.

 

First vignette above has me torn up. I love that guy. We count him and his husband among some of our closest friends. We traveled to fire island with them last year for a week (they summer there) and had the most amazing times in a place where virtually everyone is LGBTQ. They run the house and we cook every night and watch movies outside and swim and people just walk over and hang out, sunsets, walks on the beach (and I’m sure lots of hook ups but dudes gonna dude). It was such an amazing time. To think he might be gone soon and his husband alone grieving. I just can’t.

 

 

[Reagan1k 3024]

Question-  I’ve dealt with my share of the shakes before I got sober, and see plenty of new guys shake it out as they are drying out, but was with a guy in his late 50’s this weekend I worry about who was drinking and even had the shakes after he had plenty.  Drinking didn’t stop the shakes. 

Anyone seen that?  I couldn’t tell if it was alcohol related (I suspect he might have a problem) or a sign of another issue like Parkinson’s or related. 

[BearSchlong 8083]

some people just have tremors.  I have an engineer I work with that I swear you would think has the shakes, but I've been around him in enough social situations to know he is NOT a problem drinker.

[BearSchlong 8083]

On 10/18/2019 at 5:55 PM, hundredTT said:

Is anyone a available  to call? I’m freaking out 

I just PMd you my phone number.  I'd put it out here but I don't need everyone signing me up for cat facts.

Call or text me anytime.  That goes for all of you.  I honestly think the recovered alcoholics on this thread should go ahead and break our anonymity and connect on social media, by the way.

Oh, and that pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization means alcohol is doing it's job, which for an alcoholic means it's kicking your ass.  The trick is to get your ass kicked into a state of reasonableness without overshooting the mark and dying, which happens way too often.

[hundredTT 577]

Thanks brother. I had a good weekend with no drinking involved. Family came in and we did a pumpkin patch, played golf, watched football. My S/O went to a bachelorette party, so I stayed sober to pick her up from the dominion, was hard admittedly. I talked my family into thinking I have everything in control. Other than a pounding headache in the first day,  I actually felt pretty damn good this weekend. I'm not sure what the fuck I am at this point, some days I feel I need the ER and am losing my mind, other days I feel fine. I know i'm an alcoholic though for sure, just picked up a bottle of Vodka, and making my way through it as I type. 

Edited October 21, 2019 by hundredTT

[troph 24781]

Diagnosis in, advanced cirrhosis. Sink was full of clotted blood when the EMS got there. At the hospital now and going to dinner with his husband. I feel nauseous about how bad he is. He’s super sedated in detox now. Day four. Hoping he wakes up and stops.

 

[hundredTT 577]

13 minutes ago, troph said:

Diagnosis in, advanced cirrhosis. Sink was full of clotted blood when the EMS got there. At the hospital now and going to dinner with his husband. I feel nauseous about how bad he is. He’s super sedated in detox now. Day four. Hoping he wakes up and stops.

 

I am so numb at this point from being drunk but I wish you all my love! I’d love to talk to you one day, I feel I’m at a stage where I’ll dye sometime soon. Sometimes I feel like it is the only way out 

[Bama Chick 28596]

some people just have tremors.  I have an engineer I work with that I swear you would think has the shakes, but I've been around him in enough social situations to know he is NOT a problem drinker.

I don’t want to intrude in this thread (not an alcoholic but close to one newly sober so I like to read this thread for insight) but yeah, some of us unluckily have a genetic disposition.

I have what’s called essential tremor. I can’t see my hands shaking but everyone else can. It gets worse if I’m stressed or haven’t eaten or haven’t been sleeping well. When it’s real bad I can feel it in my voice and my legs as well.

My grandad, my mom, and my sister and brother have it. I have it the worst and I’m currently on a medication indicated for epilepsy but it’s been a godsend.

Sorry for the derailment but your friend may just have what I have.

[Reagan1k 3024]

Thanks.  I've often thought he might drink I I did, but had never noticed the tremors......we don't see each other often.  When I saw him shaking, I thought it was due to booze, but then he started drinking and it never subsided....maybe got worse as the night wore on.

You're probably spot on.

Edited October 22, 2019 by Reagan1k

[Kennythetiger 9375]

11 hours ago, hundredTT said:

I am so numb at this point from being drunk but I wish you all my love! I’d love to talk to you one day, I feel I’m at a stage where I’ll dye sometime soon. Sometimes I feel like it is the only way out 

You have Bear's number.  Pages back you have a few people offering to finance a 30-day stay in a treatment facility.  You'll either get better, or die.  I really, really hope you'll get better.  You have no idea how much I hope. 

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

13 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

I honestly think the recovered alcoholics on this thread should go ahead and break our anonymity and connect on social media, by the way.

I am not on social media other than LinkedIn but agree it would be nice to have all of these connections established outside of this website so that if the website goes/is taken away for any reason, we can keep in touch. 

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

To say it another way without getting flouncy, this thread is/you peeps are the only reason I'm still logged in/active on this website-- but once I'm here to click on this thread, I find myself wasting time elsewhere. 

[Reagan1k 3024]

14 hours ago, hundredTT said:

Thanks brother. I had a good weekend with no drinking involved. Family came in and we did a pumpkin patch, played golf, watched football. My S/O went to a bachelorette party, so I stayed sober to pick her up from the dominion, was hard admittedly. I talked my family into thinking I have everything in control. Other than a pounding headache in the first day,  I actually felt pretty damn good this weekend. I'm not sure what the fuck I am at this point, some days I feel I need the ER and am losing my mind, other days I feel fine. I know i'm an alcoholic though for sure, just picked up a bottle of Vodka, and making my way through it as I type. 

 

12 hours ago, hundredTT said:

I am so numb at this point from being drunk but I wish you all my love! I’d love to talk to you one day, I feel I’m at a stage where I’ll dye sometime soon. Sometimes I feel like it is the only way out 

 

Coughing blood, numb drunk, wanting to die vs. weekend of family, golf and football......sober

 

Quote

“the primary differences between alcoholics and nonalcoholics is that nonalcoholics change their behavior to meet their goals and alcoholics change their goals to meet their behavior. Everything that had been important to me, all of my dreams, goals, and aspirations, were swept away in a wave of booze.”

Quote

.......if you have to try and control something, it is out of (your) control.

Quote

“It’s like a man standing on a bridge in the middle of a river with his pants on fire wondering why his pants are on fire. It doesn’t matter. Just jump in! And that is exactly what I did with A.A. once I finally crossed the river of denial!”
― Alcoholics Anonymous, Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition

 

Edited October 22, 2019 by Reagan1k

[hullabelew 3723]

Two weeks ago, I was in Nashville for a meeting at the rehab center where 2-3 former patients meet with 10-12 current patients to let them ask questions about dealing with stuff after they leave.  One kid (Alex) had a question, wondering if we thought it was smart for him to go to a sober living house where his brother was.  I thought the kid looked familiar, and the next day in the Sunday service, I saw him with his mom and dad and the older brother.  His brother (Andrew) was in rehab the same time I was.  Andrew was 24.....problem was opiates.  Pretty sure he was stealing money from cabins when people were supposed to be in class.    He was pretty much a disrespectful smart-ass to staff and everyone over the age of 28.  

Then, I found out from a friend that he and Andrew had been in a more intense rehab setting after I left.  My buddy said Andrew turned out to be a pretty cool kid....very, very sharp and a good guy.  It was just the drugs that were fucking him up.  

Then this past Sunday, I was at the Sunday service and they mentioned a former patient had died.  They found him at his sober living house

https://www.hollandfuneraldirectors.com/notices/Andrew-Hill

 

 

Edited October 22, 2019 by hullabelew

[Dewey 3286]

I'm sorry, opioids are the strongest thing I have seen in my life. Nothing compares to that addiction. Heartbreaking 

[BearSchlong 8083]

That sucks.  If I was a drug/alcohol treatment pro I can think of a good exercise to describe addiction.

Have the family write the addicts obituary.

Have the addict write his own obituary.

Compare them.

I'm always telling my wife "I wish you could see yourself the way I see you"

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

Man that's a motherfucker, Hulla. I really wonder how drugs, outside of alcohol didn't grab a hold of me. I've always had an addictive personality. Alcohol was right from the start. Cigarettes, the same. I'm that way with caffeine too. Once I start a soda or start on coffee, I want more and more. Obviously not as hard to put down my 10th cup of coffee than it was my 10th drink, but who gives a fuck about caffeine when it's in place of a 12 pack and bottle. 

With the exception of heroin, meth, crack, I've probably tried most of them. I loved them all. I'd never turn down a big beautiful line when I was out drinking with the crew, and I would do as much as was in front of me, but the next night out drinking I didn't care if it was around or not. Same with pills. If I got some vicodin or something for an injury, It was a great feeling, but I was somehow able to avoid the worst part of that road. I'm grateful for that. Booze is difficult enough by itself. 

 

[JohnnyRage 1617]

On my way to the 'store' I saw a very average middle aged white lady standing outside the gas station. Maybe @South Austin's Mom, but very out of place. "Don't you know where you are lady?!?" So I deliberately left that way again, and sure enough sipp'n out of a brown bag in her skinny pants and soft shoes...grocery cart nearby. Why that affects me more than any other story...whatever? I think it's just the...we are talking about days...she's a couple of days homeless...she's a couple of days out of a job...she's a couple of days from turning tricks.

 

Or maybe she was just a tranny and my night vision is fading.

[troph 24781]

I think our friend is going to get a really shitty prognosis in a couple of days. After dinner we talked with the husband of the hospitalized, the nurse told them the party is over, he said yes but a new one will start (he was romanticizing a sober life). He thinks they are going to go home and throw the booze out and not drink and it will all be ok. He’s rationalizing symptoms of acute liver failure as whatever. He doesn’t think rehab is needed and thinks AA isn’t his thing.

 

There are at least 4 of us that are seeing it for what it is and yet even 2 of them (including my gf) originally thought yeah he sort of gets it. Denial with a sophisticated twist of partial acknowledgment. Sheeeeit. I can see through that bullshit a mile a way.

 

His husband is a dead man walking. Advanced cirrhosis and significant blood loss from esophageal varices. I said that tonight with our aware group and I was told to not say that too loudly. My responses we need to be aware of this as it relates to any kind of intervention.

 

We are going to see if a social worker type can be assigned. If not we may hire a professional interventionist. We’ve known them for 3 years and he’s been drinking from 7am until bedtime for 20 years we recently found out. 6 months ago we became aware and started talking about possibly butting in. Too late for one of them I think, but not the husband.

 

Any ideas are welcome. I’m hurting and exhausted. And yes once I’ve done what I can do we will let go, this ACOA gal has learned her codep lessons.

 

 

 

[TwiceHorn 31438]

So, troph, is the husband a 'holic too?  So you've got death, an extremely co-dependent and mutually alcoholic/drug addicted couple on the menu?

[Genco 3040]

@trophI can only relay my experience with someone close to me who was in a similar condition as your friend a few years ago. This guy was a 1st ballot HOF alcoholic and in his mid 40s wound up in the ICU sedated in a coma for a week. Liver failure which led to renal failure, jaundiced, and retaining fluid in his abdomen.

He came out of the sedation after a week and it took some time for the encephalopathy to clear with round the clock dialysis. After which his liver doctor told him his drinking days were over, that he would die without a new liver, and he would be on dialysis until he got a new organ. His MELD score was in the high 30s.

He wasn't an AA guy either. Despite the best efforts of people in the program coming to talk with him, he was too hardheaded to admit defeat. Impressively unreasonable even for an alcoholic. He remained dry for the next 12 months because he was physically incapable of basic tasks including transportation. Sobriety was a choice made for him but he still thought he was in control.

We buried him about a year later. His body just couldn't recover from the damage he had inflicted and started shutting down just when we were getting hopeful. He left behind a wife, a beautiful child, and lots of people who cared about him.

We alcoholics are prone to insane thinking and can be quite pugnacious when someone starts lecturing us about our booze. If he and his husband don't listen to his doctor when they read them the riot act, then dead man walking is a certainty. This is not a speedbump to endure before they can make a few changes to their lifestyle. I don't have any experience with an interventionist but I think that has a better chance of success than a social worker assigned to your friend. He needs a hard, pipe-hittin alcoholic to get through to him.

I'd also encourage the husband to attend some Al Anon meetings though he could be a candidate for AA himself.

[hullabelew 3723]

12 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

That sucks.  If I was a drug/alcohol treatment pro I can think of a good exercise to describe addiction.

Have the family write the addicts obituary.

Have the addict write his own obituary.

Compare them.

I'm always telling my wife "I wish you could see yourself the way I see you"

One of the counselors at my rehab had their group members write their own obituary and read it out loud in their small group.  It is a brilliant idea and I actually did it myself after I heard about it.  

Edited October 23, 2019 by hullabelew

[hullabelew 3723]

12 hours ago, BBQ2Bayou said:

Man that's a motherfucker, Hulla. I really wonder how drugs, outside of alcohol didn't grab a hold of me. I've always had an addictive personality. Alcohol was right from the start. Cigarettes, the same. I'm that way with caffeine too. Once I start a soda or start on coffee, I want more and more. Obviously not as hard to put down my 10th cup of coffee than it was my 10th drink, but who gives a fuck about caffeine when it's in place of a 12 pack and bottle. 

With the exception of heroin, meth, crack, I've probably tried most of them. I loved them all. I'd never turn down a big beautiful line when I was out drinking with the crew, and I would do as much as was in front of me, but the next night out drinking I didn't care if it was around or not. Same with pills. If I got some vicodin or something for an injury, It was a great feeling, but I was somehow able to avoid the worst part of that road. I'm grateful for that. Booze is difficult enough by itself. 

 

I'm exactly the same way.     I fucking LOVED coke, but realized early on that I needed to stay away or I would be doomed.  I was able to control that...but with booze?  No fucking control at all.  That is completely against my other habits, though I never smoke cigarettes.  They did nothing for me...I liked weed a lot better.    Opiates feel great to me and with two hip replacements in the last 2 years, I had plenty available and I got them filled every time he asked, even if I had some left....just in case.  I loved the way they felt, but I never abused them.