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I'm An Alcoholic

El Diablo

By El Diablo
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Dewey

Dewey 3286

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Sorry you're going through, the ugliness of the disease is maddening. I hope you find some peace within yourself,  knowing you've been a good friend and have and are trying to help. It's all you can do. So please find some calm, some peace within.

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BearSchlong
BearSchlong

My dad died tonight. Had a massive heart attack while on the way home from Church's Chicken. Single car accident, he flipped the SUV. I was on the way to his house and saw the ambulance driving to th

Celery Man
Celery Man

Welp, yesterday was 1,250 days sober for me.  Today is 1,251.  I don't talk about it much because it's a bit of a cliche and generally frowned upon (relationships in early sobriety), but I fell in lov

BBQ2Bayou
BBQ2Bayou

So I moved over to Baton Rouge from the Austin area over 4 years ago for a job. The job didn't turn out and I don't like the city at all. I've stayed basically because I'm an alcoholic. I'm single wit

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troph

troph 24781

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What have the doctors said to him about his drinking? That's probably the closest thing to an intervention that might work if he pulls through.

 

How many days, no bullshit, does he have dry?

 

 

I can only guarantee about 6 when he was in the hospital last. If he went home and didn’t drink (I don’t think that happened) then he’d be at maybe 14 days or so.

 

Hospital staff has been really clear about what and why but the husband is in that special place of “we will stop and it will be ok” that is completely delusional.

 

Edit - word now is dialysis is coming next....

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TwiceHorn

TwiceHorn 31438

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Good point about medicine being the intervention here.  The classic alcoholic can't stop when the stakes are highest, when his life is literally on the line.

Honestly, when the first attempts to burst through the denial start happening with serious diagnoses, I don't hold out much hope.  It usually takes multiple attempts to get through and "stay through" and I fear your friend doesn't have that luxury.

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BearSchlong

BearSchlong 8083

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My own dads own intervention was done by his cardiologist, Dec 26 1992. He had dad in his office and said "if you keep drinking you're gonna die. There's a room for you at the hospital right now if you want to go detox. In 15 minutes im leaving for the airport to fly to Aspen to go skiing for a week, you've got those 15 minutes to decide if you're gonna live or die. What's it gonna be?"

Dec 30 he had normal BAC so they cut him loose, that's his dry date.

That's also when the AA telephone mafia went to work. . .he went in full speed and stayed.

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troph

troph 24781

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Still there. Everyone is now saying 6 months clean and get on a transplant list. I’m thinking the hospital is all over them about this. Honestly I’m not sure he’ll make it 6 weeks though. Rental failure plus acute cirrhosis, plus esophageal bleeding? My girlfriend went to the hospital today to visit and she seems to think they at least understand the gravity of it. We’ll see, I hope so. But if he has a chance to live then without rehab I just don’t see it. Lots of pain going around. I shared a hug with another friend at our fundraiser tonight and he broke down feeling responsible. But he and others tried to say something before only to be yelled at and told to go away.

Thanks guys. I read this thread daily I truly think y’all are some of the best and realest assholes on this site and I’d be much much worse off without your input. I at least don’t feel alone and I don’t feel like I did something wrong. And that seems to be the temptation. To blame yourself for his problem. Insidious.

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BBQ2Bayou

BBQ2Bayou 807

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That's one of the bad things with cirrhosis. There often aren't symtoms until it's well advanced. There's not much you can do at the decompensated stage except wait and hope for a donor. I don't know if they put you higher on the list if it's going to be fatal before 6 months of sobriety or if that is a steadfast rule set in stone. 

But you're doing all you can with not being in it alone and not feeling like you did something wrong. I'm sure the thoughts have been there. Hang in there, Troph. 

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El Diablo

El Diablo 4232

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Troph, I'm praying that the veil will be lifted from your friends eyes and that they are able to take advantage of the opportunity that is in front of them to get sober and remain that way for whatever time they may have left among the living. Alcohol is a cruel mistress and when the bills come due she doesn't hesitate to demand payment for all of the good times. The stark realization of what is and what will never be again can be too much for some and they simply throw in the towel. Perhaps your friend will have a moment of clarity. We have hope.

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troph

troph 24781

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Guys this is nuts help me understand. He’s been sober 3 weeks max. He’s in the hospital again and it’s bad, like he is going to die there bad. Family on their way. His husband just texted that assuming his other organs are ok they are going to consider him for a liver transplant now. That seems crazy. As a friend, obviously I will be thrilled.

 

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gasman

gasman 114

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1 hour ago, troph said:

Guys this is nuts help me understand. He’s been sober 3 weeks max. He’s in the hospital again and it’s bad, like he is going to die there bad. Family on their way. His husband just texted that assuming his other organs are ok they are going to consider him for a liver transplant now. That seems crazy. As a friend, obviously I will be thrilled.

 

There has always been a debate about the fairness of the 6 month sobriety rule. While available livers are a limited resource, many alcoholics will die from liver failure before they can hit the 6 month window. It is viewed in some transplant circles that it is inhumane to deny someone an available organ for an arbitrary period of sobriety. Recent studies also indicate that the relapse rate is the same for liver transplant recipients with or without 6 months of sobriety before a transplant. Thankfully, even though a significant number of the people relapsed after transplant, almost all were sober at the end of the study. Hopefully, your friend gets a new lease on life and can take advantage of it going forward. 

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troph

troph 24781

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He’s a go for it but they can’t transfer him to Houston for the surgery because the dialysis machine can’t travel and he won’t survive right now without it. They will see if he’s better tomorrow. It’s anyone’s guess what happens.

I don’t know how I feel about the issue in an academic vacuum but for my friend? I damn sure hope he gets one.

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Dertyberd

Dertyberd 394

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14 hours ago, troph said:

He’s a go for it but they can’t transfer him to Houston for the surgery because the dialysis machine can’t travel and he won’t survive right now without it. They will see if he’s better tomorrow. It’s anyone’s guess what happens.

I don’t know how I feel about the issue in an academic vacuum but for my friend? I damn sure hope he gets one.

God damn that is a horrible situation.  I'm sorry you all are going through this, I've seen it twice in my life and I hate it for everyone involved.  I want to say thank you for sharing because you're helping more people than you realize at the moment.  You never know what it takes for someone to get sober or stay sober, but if renal and liver failure do to alcohol abuse aren't a shock to everyone reading this, I don't know what is.  Shit is real and happens around us daily.  Much love. 

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BBQ2Bayou

BBQ2Bayou 807

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On 11/6/2019 at 8:00 AM, Dertyberd said:

God damn that is a horrible situation.  I'm sorry you all are going through this, I've seen it twice in my life and I hate it for everyone involved.  I want to say thank you for sharing because you're helping more people than you realize at the moment.  You never know what it takes for someone to get sober or stay sober, but if renal and liver failure do to alcohol abuse aren't a shock to everyone reading this, I don't know what is.  Shit is real and happens around us daily.  Much love. 

I'm truly sorry, troph. 

Maybe Derty's post here will bring you even the smallest amount of comfort, to think that by talking about this here, it connected with someone and gave them a push they needed. 

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troph

troph 24781

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Thanks guys. It didn’t hit me until this morning. I cried while the sun rose realizing he didn’t get to see it and the world will soon move on. He died in his mid-50’s, he wasn’t out of shape, he had plenty of friends, and the love of a stable 20+ year relationship. It was one thing that did him in. Alcohol may have given him warnings but it didn’t give him a last and final, it just took him swiftly over the course of two weeks.

I was looking over his Facebook pictures and saw pictures not even 5 years ago and he looked totally different. He was very handsome, dapper and young looking. By the time he moved to Austin he looked his age and then some.

We spent some time up in Fire Island NY last summer - and incredible scene of community there - and left both thankful to be in their inner circle and also starting to realize he had a major problem with alcohol. Bailey’s in your coffee as the second drink of the day is a rough way to live.

Even still, with his flaws and we on this thread know ours more than most - he was a generous and loving guy, I don’t need anyone to stand up for me but he still found it his job to look out for me and make sure I was doing ok. And feeling important to someone like that is an incredible feeling. He made me feel great about myself and those are the kinds of people you want to be around and the kind you miss the most.

He was a great cook, and yet he let his husband be the grill master on holidays to everyone’s dismay. His lasagna - a recipe from his grandmother - was his go to comfort dish and man I would get super fat on that if I lived with him!

He was an incredible event planner and he and his husband threw amazing parties including parties for thousands on the beach in Fire Island. That place will not be the same without him.

He collected rare books/first editions and loved Star Wars, marvel and Star Trek collectibles - as dapper and hella cute as he was he was also a total nerd (he did not look the part).

I teared up looking at a picture of all of us from last summer on Fire Island, late Friday afternoon, those coming from the city had arrived and dinner was on the horizon. Everyone was all smiles. That night we sat around a table with not one single straight person (sorry guys) and it was magic. Being a new gay makes many of these experiences a first time for me and to have this enclave of “just us” where there are no subtle messages from society that we are the minority are amazing experiences to share together and there might not be a more magical place than Fire Island in the summer for a house party like that. And in that place he was the mother hen, it was his culture, it was his house to borrow from Pose (the TV show) language.

I’m rambling and I could go on and on but I’ll say this to close...

He died warm and comfortable and without pain surrounded by his husband, his mom and brothers and his lifelong friends from NY. We were not able to be there and frankly felt it best to leave that moment for his family.

He will be dearly missed, and to that end I tell anyone lurking, please please please don’t do this to yourself. The pain we feel knowing he did not wake this morning is incredible. And the disappearance from our lives will only show the pain worse. Your wives, kids, parents and your friends love you. Please take care of yourself.

Much love to you all... :-/

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BearSchlong

BearSchlong 8083

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Just saw the update, I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Sitting here reflecting on your news I'm just reminded that it's a fatal and progressive disease and that I'm still eligible to die from it if I don't cut the shit and live on a spiritual basis.

There's solace in knowing his suffering is over and that wherever he is he's finally at peace.

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Dertyberd

Dertyberd 394

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What a beautiful man and words.  I have a picture of it all in my head.  I'm crying at my desk.  Thank you again very much for your willingness to tell the story to our Surly world. Your courage and generosity saves lives, I'm grateful.  Big hug, much love.

Prayers to those still suffering, you are not alone and there is a way out.  

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Caddox

Caddox 952

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I cancelled a work dinner last night in a job where I only eat what I kill bc it was with a group of big drinkers. Just had too much to do today and I knew what the outcome would be if I got on the Thursday night train. Cant tell if thats progress or a red flag. Kind of feels like both. 

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TwiceHorn

TwiceHorn 31438

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5 minutes ago, Caddox said:

I cancelled a work dinner last night in a job where I only eat what I kill bc it was with a group of big drinkers. Just had too much to do today and I knew what the outcome would be if I got on the Thursday night train. Cant tell if thats progress or a red flag. Kind of feels like both. 

Are you moderating or staying stopped?

As I said upthread, in the early going, protective measures are probably warranted.  If you've been sober for a year or more and still aren't "neutral," may need to take a hard look at your program.

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TexArcher

TexArcher 37762

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I avoided situations where people were drinking for over a year.  And I went to one or two meetings just about every day during that time.

Several years later, I'm a regular at Saxon Pub, Continental Club, Longhorn games, etc.  I have no inclination to join everyone else who's getting loaded.  But it took a long time for me to trust myself on that.  If there is any doubt, especially in early sobriety, staying home is never the wrong answer.

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Caddox

Caddox 952

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1 hour ago, TwiceHorn said:

Are you moderating or staying stopped?

As I said upthread, in the early going, protective measures are probably warranted.  If you've been sober for a year or more and still aren't "neutral," may need to take a hard look at your program.

Moderating. I'm in a bad spot health wise and I can no longer sustain my old drinking habits but its been tough to change. I probably drink half as much as I used to but its still more than I can really handle without getting pretty wrecked by a hangover and doing some regrettable stuff while blacked out. My primary doc said while he doesn't want me to think its normal he says lots of guys my age (34) hit a wall and have to cut back but have trouble. I monitor this thread pretty closely because i try to hold myself accountable and be honest about the things I need to change. I think if I cut back more and make other necessary changes (diet and exercise) I can set things straight but I'm not closed to the idea that if it just isnt happening then I will have to seek outside help. 

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BearSchlong

BearSchlong 8083

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41 minutes ago, Caddox said:

Moderating. its still more than I can really handle without getting pretty wrecked by a hangover and doing some regrettable stuff while blacked out. 

Um. . .hate to point this out but one of these things is not like the others.

Also more regarding consequences and your  decision to not go out the other night - if that was a legitimate opportunity to get customers soused that could lead to $$ that you cancelled because you were worried about your drinking. . .that is a consequence of Opportunity Costs.

A normal, average, temperate drinker would have little difficulty in such a situation.  Again - if it could lead to a lucrative deal.  In fact, if your drinking might be impacting your deals, including prospecting, working, closing, etc. then that is a legitimate consequence of drinking.

Not saying you're alcoholic, just pointing out that alcoholism is defined by consequences.  Your doctor is only useful if you're experiencing health consequences.

I used to be the guy that closed a deal in a semi-blackout, and after we booked it my director always took me into a conference room to get my side of the story about whatever drinking took place.

for at least the 14th time on this and the other site, I'll make the statement that I loved drinking, it still worked for me. Never thought I would stop drinking, never honestly wanted to stop, but those consequences. . .oh boy, once the unmanageability became apparent it was enough to get my attention.

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Caddox

Caddox 952

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Yea I mean the health stuff is affecting pretty much every area of my life, including business. I think drinking is one of three major pillars thats causing it. To your point about making deals, I'd almost go as far to say business has equaled drinking for me. Lots of entertainment. Much easier to set a meeting over drinks. Obviously alcohol naturally reduces people's apprehension in the moment. It's just not sustainable for me anymore. I've pretty much concluded that being successful is too hard to be hungover all the time. I'm just trying to make sure I'm making actual progress and not spinning my wheels and going through a loop on the drinking stuff. If I become convinced I am, I'm mentally preparing to make the jump to sobriety and consistent outside help. 

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TwiceHorn

TwiceHorn 31438

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10 minutes ago, BBQ2Bayou said:

Can you explain a little more what you mean by this?

 

And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone—even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality—safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.13

http://aawiki.org/the-big-book-chapter-6-into-action/

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El Diablo

El Diablo 4232

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15 minutes ago, BBQ2Bayou said:

Can you explain a little more what you mean by this?

From page 85 of the Big Book.

"We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality—safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us…"

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