I'm An Alcoholic

[MaybeACoordinator 8350]

Not sure of Gen X drinks more than the last of the Boomer era, but then again I grew up Catholic and went to Jesuit so there's my excuses. 

I have a theory that social media, including boards like these, have had a role in enabling an uptick in alcoholism. It takes some of the loneliness out of drinking alone if you can sit around at home in your underwear with your plastic handle vodka and your internet buddies, many of whom are talking about getting shitfaced at that very moment and at least some of whom are just like you, getting shitfaced around the clock. This applies especially if you work from home, as I did, and a good number of people filling rehab beds do as well.

Not saying social media = abets alcocholism, therefore social media bad, but drinking alone while not alone is an option that was not around for previous generations of thirtysomethings. 

As for women, look at all those goofy "It's Wine Time" "Wine me up and turn me loose," "My other car is a Chardonnay" messages they churn through. (Yes that last one is a joke.) 

Yeah, those cartoons and memes are cute, until they are true, and CPS is up in your wife's face or she's popped drunk-driving with the kiddo out of the carseat. Or worse. 

Wine moms, with or without the Xanax kicker, are a cliche in rehab now. I used to have fun picking them out when they would arrive as newbs at the Parc. Only questions were the Xanax factor and whether or not they had graduated to mother vodka.  

And the internet enables that in ways that were also not available to thirtysomethings before our generation. 

[Celery Man 21103]

Awesome stuff Jerry.

I remember reading stuff like this and getting cold tingles... one of those moments where for a minute or so you can't pretend like you're not a raging alcoholic.  12? A month?

[ernest_t_bass 1196]

lol  What would my strategy have been?  Drink fewer beers per day and profit.  

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

my strategy would have been "see if I can negotiate more money in exchange for increasing the degree of difficulty"

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

Yeah, just keep it simple. Double both and you might as well just start the increased pay now. 

[MaybeACoordinator 8350]

15 hours ago, Celery Man said:

Awesome stuff Jerry.

I remember reading stuff like this and getting cold tingles... one of those moments where for a minute or so you can't pretend like you're not a raging alcoholic.  12? A month?

Let's see, three for breakfast, three more for lunch, three for an afternoon snack, and three on the way home. By then I'd be ready to really start drinking. 

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

Do you guys that do AA get a lot of people that come in with a "drinking problem" and say they have 4 or 5 drinks a day? I've seen that on a few alcoholic boards. I'm curious as to how those people are generally looked at by the 20-30 drinks a day crowd. I'm assuming as welcomed as anyone, but have y'all sensed any sort of animosity or go fuck yourself, you don't belong here reactions? 

[Dertyberd 394]

28 minutes ago, BBQ2Bayou said:

Do you guys that do AA get a lot of people that come in with a "drinking problem" and say they have 4 or 5 drinks a day? I've seen that on a few alcoholic boards. I'm curious as to how those people are generally looked at by the 20-30 drinks a day crowd. I'm assuming as welcomed as anyone, but have y'all sensed any sort of animosity or go fuck yourself, you don't belong here reactions? 

No animosity at all.  There will always be an unchecked ego that may be shitty, but no one walks into AA because they think they're doing just fine.   The mentality in the rooms is to help all that enter those doors and extend a welcome hand.  The only time I've seen someone asked to leave a room is when they wouldn't say "I have a desire to stop drinking." That is for closed meetings.  Anyone can attend open meetings and you don't have to say shit.  

Not everyone there is a 20-30 a day person.  Some people were honest with themselves before it got really bad that they couldn't stop on their own, they had an obsession about alcohol when not drinking that affected their life, or can't stop once they start the drinking session.  All different types of people in AA.  A lot of people were not bottom of the barrel types that you mainly see on this board (this is Surly forfucksake).  I think most of us on this board share because we feel very lucky to be alive from our very risky, insane drinking careers.  

A person might get a suggestion to try some controlled drinking if they aren't sure if they have a problem.  Go to a bar have a drink and leave.  If that person can walk away and not have the phenomenon of craving more and more, they may not be an alcoholic.  

Edited January 15, 2020 by Dertyberd

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

Yeah, that's what I figured. I mean, every one of us had a starting point at one time. 

[BearSchlong 8252]

Lol it's never about the alcohol quantity or drinking frequency. I very rarely drank more than a 12 pack of beers or a fifth of scotch in a given day/evening, nor did I drink every day. Did not get DTs when I stopped. Still an alcoholic because of the consequences, plus the alcoholic thinking, inability to experience reality, self centeredness, etc.

Just left my meeting where a guy showed up and said this is my 4th meeting, I've had a liter of whisky today, and every day for the past several years, every morning I say no mas but when the clock shows 10am there I am buying a bottle. I just want to get 1 day where I dont do this.

I'm gonna call him tomorrow morning for a chat.

[Dewey 3333]

I know that feeling, all the best to the guy and those out there starting each day with "not today", only to go straight to the store for some booze. That can be overcome, it all can,  just believe in yourself and trust the help you hopefully will get. 

[Reagan1k 3043]

5 hours ago, Dewey said:

I know that feeling, all the best to the guy and those out there starting each day with "not today", only to go straight to the store for some booze. That can be overcome, it all can,  just believe in yourself and trust the help you hopefully will get. 

Powerless - Heart starts each day with a firm resolution not to drink.  Once that obsession kicks...."I just changed my mind."

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

man, talk about something I'm glad I don't have to do today-- I'm glad and grateful I don't have to argue with myself over whether or not I should go to the liquor store

[Dertyberd 394]

3 hours ago, SwanderedTalent said:

man, talk about something I'm glad I don't have to do today-- I'm glad and grateful I don't have to argue with myself over whether or not I should go to the liquor store

Amen.  It was the most exhausting exercise I've ever participated in. So fucking tiring that I gave up arguing and just went, until I surrendered to trying a different way of life, and never went back.  Great day to be sober and not wasting energy on fruitless and painful pursuits.  Very grateful this morning.  

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

It's sad how comforting and almost euphoric the feeling was when you had 2 or 3 days worth of everything you needed and knew you weren't going to leave the house. I loved that feeling and still miss it at times. 

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

3 hours ago, BBQ2Bayou said:

It's sad how comforting and almost euphoric the feeling was when you had 2 or 3 days worth of everything you needed and knew you weren't going to leave the house. I loved that feeling and still miss it at times. 

Yeah, that's where people that aren't wired this way don't get it. I look back on drinking beers during sun-dappled happy hours on the lake, or keg stands in college, that type of shit with a wry shrug. Like, "man, that was fun, I wish I could turn back the clock but that ended a long time ago." But that's where the non-program people in my life worry about me. Like I'm going to think "let's have some fun and drink!" 

No, I closed that door a long time ago. I don't have any illusions about fun. Now, what I look back on is a hazy memory of a darkened, antiseptic-smelling hotel room, HBO blaring in the back ground, enough vodka to keep me from having to see another human being for 72 hours or so, not knowing what day it is, not knowing or caring when I last ate, and there is literally a part of my brain that's like "you could do that right now, dude we should TOTALLY do that, go get the band back together." That sounds like a pretty bleak and unappealing existence, certainly not euphoric recall, but my alcoholic brain misses the simplicity of doing what it thinks it was put on this Earth to do. 

Now, part of that is that I haven't been to a meeting since Tuesday. But the bigger part of it is,  my alcoholic brain still wants to kill me.  I'm never going to be who I didn't turn out to be, and I'll never get everything I want all the time, ergo this life is not all that it could be. 

There will never be a time when I don't need the program. I am one of those "drinks after a liver transplant" types if I don't work to get my daily reprieve by maintaining my spiritual condition. I'd probably never end up homeless, I might never end up in jail, but I won't live to 50 if I take another drink.

[TwiceHorn 32106]

3 hours ago, BBQ2Bayou said:

It's sad how comforting and almost euphoric the feeling was when you had 2 or 3 days worth of everything you needed and knew you weren't going to leave the house. I loved that feeling and still miss it at times. 

Whoo, boy. I don't miss that one single bit.  Dredging up those memories brings up fear and loathing.

5 minutes ago, SwanderedTalent said:

I look back on drinking beers during sun-dappled happy hours on the lake, or keg stands in college, that type of shit with a wry shrug.

These I do look back on fondly, but I view the necessity of alcohol at those times as kind of a taint on the memory.

[BearSchlong 8252]

I'm in Austun today and will be at Northland at 5:30 or possibly 8 tonight unless one of you guys can suggest a better meeting or want to meet up. Hell, I'll even buy dinner.

I've got 9 years sober today.

[TwiceHorn 32106]

Happy birthday, Bear!

[Charles DeMar 221]

You hear lots in meetings "it gets better," and it does.  It is not an overnight process, though.  Happy, Joyous, and Free comes, but, like with anything, there is also a period of transition. 

 

I'm not quite to my 18 month chip (God willing, in a couple of weeks), but things are challenging.  When I (hopefully) hit my bottom, my wife was on the phone for hours a night with the EAP (Employee Assistance Program) folks trying to figure out benefits, $$$, etc.  About a month later, she developed this mysterious rash.  16 months later, she still has it.  It's miserable; it's all over her body, her face is peeling like she did a bad chemical peel, skin flaking off like dust, and it itches like crazy.  She can't sleep, is always cranky, and I have no idea how she hasn't lost her mind.  She's been to every doctor known to man, and no one can figure it out.  We live in Houston and survived Harvey with minimal damage (VERY near where folks lost everything off Buffalo Bayou), but I'm sure there's a mold issue of some sort (it's HOUSTON!)  Stress?  Probably.  She's eaten clean, stopped eating and drinking things she knows cause a reaction, has gone to (a little) counseling for the baggage she carries, and is trying to take care of her mental state through yoga, relaxation, etc.  

Needless to say, all these doctors trying stuff out (no offense to MD's, but, man, it seems like they "try" more than they "know," oftentimes), her being in a near breakdown stage daily, and all the oils and salves, she feels like she has the right to spend whatever she needs to get some comfort.  I don't blame her, but couple that amazing debt run up with her not really wanting to engage with Al Anon or any real deep counseling on herself (it's "CDM's problem, you need to figure it out"), an absolutely horrific year at my company (thus, no real bonus), and very little intimacy between us, I'm not feeling so happy, joyous, or free.

 

I know this is part of it, and feel like I'm whining, just really challenged today.  I "should" count my blessings around being sober today, and really I do, it's just a tough row to hoe at home, lately.

 

Anyways, thanks for "listening."  Headed to the Outpost meeting today to get some perspective.

 

-Charles

Edited January 23, 2020 by Charles DeMar

[Charles DeMar 221]

Update:  Got over my woe is me.  Meeting I attended yesterday focused on the promises, and I was able to reflect on the serenity prayer and the promises and how I can't change / control my wife's situation, but can change my attitude and my actions.

 

Also, working with a new sponsor.  Old school kind of guy and we went through the Doctor's Opinion last night for 90 minutes.  He was a really cranky cuss the first time I met him (I think had been burned by a couple of sponsees recently, so was leery), but warmed a bit and we had a great (for me) time studying together.

Didn't hurt that my wife was frisky and we talked about $$$ some last night, too.  Those two things almost never happen, especially not within hours of one another.

 

Blessed to be alive today.  Was headed toward my demise in my drink.  Black outs nearly every night, drinking during the day.  I'm blessed to have a new lease on life.

 

Thanks, guys.

[BearSchlong 8252]

Glad to hear that this too did pass.

This morning in our 645am book study we read the first story in the back of the big book about Bill Dodson, AA#3.  really good story.

[Celery Man 21103]

I’ve been watching a lot of movies. Kinda a half resolution, I just realized that I get more out of a movie than two episodes of a tv drama. Tonight I watched “Don’t Worry, He Won’t Get Far on Foot”. I didn’t realize how much of just a straight up alcoholic recovery movie it was. I enjoyed it, worth a watch. Really great performances from Joaquin Phoenix and Jonah Hill.

Also Troop Zero, which is good but less specific for this thread.

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

6 hours ago, Celery Man said:

I’ve been watching a lot of movies. Kinda a half resolution, I just realized that I get more out of a movie than two episodes of a tv drama. Tonight I watched “Don’t Worry, He Won’t Get Far on Foot”. I didn’t realize how much of just a straight up alcoholic recovery movie it was. I enjoyed it, worth a watch. Really great performances from Joaquin Phoenix and Jonah Hill.

Also Troop Zero, which is good but less specific for this thread.

Phoenix does a great job portraying an alcoholic in that movie. You can see and feel the panic when his bottle rolls away from him and he can't get it. Just stuck alone with no drink. It's been a while since I've seen it, but that's the part I can remember actually feeling his panic and pain. 

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

On 1/24/2020 at 8:52 AM, Charles DeMar said:

Didn't hurt that my wife was frisky and we talked about $$$ some last night, too.  Those two things almost never happen, especially not within hours of one another.

huh, it seems like it would.... 

kidding bro, glad you're feeling on beam

[Pescado_Rojo 19593]

On 1/24/2020 at 9:16 AM, BearSchlong said:

Glad to hear that this too did pass.

This morning in our 645am book study we read the first story in the back of the big book about Bill Dodson, AA#3.  really good story.

The guy that was on the news that just died in Jefferson County custody was a HS classmate of mine. He had just been sentenced for his 3rd DWI and it sounds like he had a detox seizure in custody. They took him to the hospital, but he didn't make it. In High School he was our class president, president of the NHS, and to this day maybe one of the 3-4 smartest people I've ever known. 

[BearSchlong 8252]

The "same guy" from my sister's class at Kelly HS died from a herion overdose.  Fair haired boy, top of his class, most likely to succeed, etc. . .watched him since Kindergarten at All Saints, eventually caught up with him in the rooms and tried to help him but to no avail.

[Bogeywon 2549]

My mom is a alcoholic and I’m starting to get resentful. I have a 4 y/o and a 1 y/o and I can’t trust her to watch my kids alone without someone with her. It really sucks that she doesn’t have the relationship with them my MIL has with them. I’m at a loss and don’t know what to do  

[BearSchlong 8252]

Have you had a frank discussion with her about your concerns? It's always better to address those things in sunlight. She may be willing to change some things once she realizes the gravity of your concerns.

[hullabelew 3730]

On 1/28/2020 at 6:28 PM, Bogeywon said:

My mom is a alcoholic and I’m starting to get resentful. I have a 4 y/o and a 1 y/o and I can’t trust her to watch my kids alone without someone with her. It really sucks that she doesn’t have the relationship with them my MIL has with them. I’m at a loss and don’t know what to do  

Sorry to hear that Bogey. 

[irishtexan 11712]

Well, looks like I'm gonna lose my cousin to this shitty disease. I knew he had been drinking pretty heavily and had always struggled to hold down a job. Didn't know the extent of it till he went to the hospital on Monday with acute pancreatitis. Not sure what happened, but his organs failed, he flat lined and suffered catastrophic brain damage. Docs basically said he can't be fixed. They're taking him off life support tomorrow.  

[Sbbruin 22146]

Fuck, irish.  That is awful.  My sister got it from drinking heavily while on meds and was lucky to live through it.  So sorry.

[Bogeywon 2549]

3 hours ago, irishtexan said:

Well, looks like I'm gonna lose my cousin to this shitty disease. I knew he had been drinking pretty heavily and had always struggled to hold down a job. Didn't know the extent of it till he went to the hospital on Monday with acute pancreatitis. Not sure what happened, but his organs failed, he flat lined and suffered catastrophic brain damage. Docs basically said he can't be fixed. They're taking him off life support tomorrow.  

I’m very sorry

[TwiceHorn 32106]

Condolences, but perhaps a helpful reminder that this disease is a killer and the stakes are high.

[TwiceHorn 32106]

On 1/28/2020 at 10:53 PM, BearSchlong said:

Have you had a frank discussion with her about your concerns? It's always better to address those things in sunlight. She may be willing to change some things once she realizes the gravity of your concerns.

Yep, and as we constantly repeat, consequences are what brings about change.  Being candid about your concerns around your kids, and perhaps curtailment of same, is a valid  and probably should be addressed.

[JohnnyRage 1617]

On 1/28/2020 at 5:28 PM, Bogeywon said:

My mom is a alcoholic and I’m starting to get resentful. I have a 4 y/o and a 1 y/o and I can’t trust her to watch my kids alone without someone with her. It really sucks that she doesn’t have the relationship with them my MIL has with them. I’m at a loss and don’t know what to do  

Don't mean to be Captain Obvious, but try to find grace and gratitude in your mother in law, that your mom is still alive and that there is still hope, in the innocence of your children, and I hope in that she did not pass on the disease of addiction.

At least that is what us Alcoholics have to strive towards.

[BrazilHorn 6855]

On 1/28/2020 at 3:28 PM, Bogeywon said:

My mom is a alcoholic and I’m starting to get resentful. I have a 4 y/o and a 1 y/o and I can’t trust her to watch my kids alone without someone with her. It really sucks that she doesn’t have the relationship with them my MIL has with them. I’m at a loss and don’t know what to do  

Exact same thing happened with my Dad. 
he died a couple of years ago but you could not let him alone with kids. Frankly I didn’t want him even around them. One Xmas he gave them like 6 of the same thing, he was drunk when he shopped and had them wrapped. Just shit like that. Was just bad all the way around. 
He has absolutely been guidepost for the kind of father I refuse to be for my kids. 
Good luck dude. It sucks. 

[Bogeywon 2549]

2 hours ago, BrazilHorn said:

Exact same thing happened with my Dad. 
he died a couple of years ago but you could not let him alone with kids. Frankly I didn’t want him even around them. One Xmas he gave them like 6 of the same thing, he was drunk when he shopped and had them wrapped. Just shit like that. Was just bad all the way around. 
He has absolutely been guidepost for the kind of father I refuse to be for my kids. 
Good luck dude. It sucks. 

It’s a gut punch. She does screw up at all. She’s like Jackie Kennedy. Graceful if that makes sense. She gets through the day and then melts down at night. 

[MaybeACoordinator 8350]

Another benefit of sobriety -- shitting normally, even gloriously.

It took months for my bowels to readjust, but I am here to tell y'all that shitting is a joy again, unless I overdo the spicy foods. And that is a good problem to have, most of the time. 

It's the little things in life.

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

My withdrawal symptoms included constipation like I never imagined could be so painful. That was bad. Nothing helped. I even got the self enema kit at CVS. You don't really know yourself until you're in the bathroom, on all fours with your rear up in the air trying to reach back and around to stick a tube in your ass. 

[After irth 1254]

Been lurking and reading through this thread in an effort to re-program my thinking. 

Turning 49 today, already had a big birthday blowout in Vegas, so my actual bday weekend is fairly mellow. Blessedly so.

I feel like I’m on a downward slide. Last few hangovers have been brutal and really tired of feeling like shit. Got hammered on Friday for absolutely no reason.

I don’t drink every day. I don’t crave it. But on the days I do drink, I just don’t stop.  And it’s been getting worse.  My tolerance is sky-high, and, by the time I’m feeling it, I’m completely hammered and out of control.  Worried about some form of escalation and some form of rock bottom.

Reached out a friend with my intentions for some accountability.  Discussed with my wife (no pics) as well.  Obviously, both were very supportive. 

I guess a little self-awareness is a good thing.  We’ll see how this goes.  

My overall goal is to hit 50 a lot leaner and meaner than now.  I have a good life, but I guess middle-age is catching up a bit.  Time to change some habits.

 

[troph 25247]

Hesitate to add my own story mostly because I don’t know I’m not giving up drinking completely but I did give up drinking for about 3 weeks here recently and it had a profound impact. First time I gave up drinking since 1995-1998 when I was in undergrad and was most certainly then a problem drinker.

 

I already started thinking about it when my friend died from liver failure at 54. I don’t think I’m at that level of risk and my blood work is great but still his death scared the crap out of me. And over Christmas I just decided January would be too busy and I didn’t like how my evening cocktail left me fatigued unable to participate with the kids or work like I need to. I knew in the back of my mind I was probably dependent given that it’s a rare day I didn’t have at least one drink. With age my drinking has slowed but it was still regular. 2 beers or sharing a bottle of wine ends up being a lot when you’re 45. Especially if it’s every day. Anyway, I also knew folks here that say their joy of life returned after getting sober. And I started noticing more episodic depression and anxiety. I figured it might be connected. So I went on about my experiment. First two to three days were boring mostly. I had some irritability and fatigue as well. Then it was fine but still boring. What do you do? I dunno. Food was boring, sitting watching tv or a movie was boring. I had a lot of work to do and nothing to look forward to but sleep. Hey I love sleep. But still what’s the point? Then at about the 2 week mark it changed. Everything became more interesting and enjoyable. The moment I really noticed it was after sex one afternoon. I thought damn that was the best ever. Natural dopamine was back!! Yes!

 

I also noticed stress was harder to deal with but I feel like that got easier too near the end and now I use more techniques like breathing and self talk all things I know to do, but as I weaned off the drink I had to use those tools more often. That’s subsided too, I’m getting less anxious.

 

My relationship is much better too. She doesn’t drink as much anymore either. Which is awesome. And we talk more and frankly I’m just that much more into her. And that’s the thing I want more than anything - to be in love and to feel it naturally. It’s actually the greatest feeling I’ve ever had and if I’m chasing anything it’s that.

 

So I had a drink after three weeks. It was an accident actually on a trip to south beach and we just ordered. I sipped the champagne and I didn’t like it. So I’ve slowly added it back, but now I’m drinking non or low-alcoholic craft beer at home (.5%) if I want a beer and it does just fine, and mocktails (today had a virgin paloma for example) and I drink occasionally but treat it more like carbs. I don’t like it much any more and it doesn’t serve me well. I can’t eat pizza or cheeseburgers every day, and for the first time in probably 25 years I’m consistently skipping more days than not.

 

I think I was dependent for sure. Alcoholism runs in my family. I’m not going to give it that label but I’m glad I’m not dependent now. In fact drinking daily has no appeal to me. Hearing you guys talk about how much more you enjoy life and how much more productive you are now has been part of making the change.

 

 

 

 

 

[Dewey 3333]

Both you guys should read "this naked mind" if you haven't already.  Hers was the same issue,  in that she saw a problem,  one that wasnt big yet, but was growing and going to be a big one. Its great insight into alcohol, what it does and what's on the other side,  living without it. 

Me, I'm slowly getting it back together after getting really bad off. I can attest that life on the otherside is beautiful, difficult at times. Hills and mountains climbed and more to come. Handling life without the drink for me was a doozy, I never went anywhere without one, drives weren't measured in minutes or hours but by beers. I ran my body and mind down pretty well, but getting back up as I mentioned.  

Our mind and body are our temples, just as we clean and take care of things we own, houses, cars... our pets, etc, we should do the same for ourselves.  It's good to know the both of you see and feel what alcohol is doing to your bodies and minds, and the both of you know it's time for a change. Enjoy it, all the best

[TwiceHorn 32106]

As a drinking buddy of mine (without a problem) once observed:  drinking is an incredible waste of time.  I wholeheartedly agreed, but it was another 2-3-4 years before I did anything about it.

Of course, it's a bit less of a waste of time for an active alcoholic, because they do every damn thing while drinking, although not well or efficiently.

Edited February 3, 2020 by TwiceHorn

[troph 25247]

I’m willing to call it a problem. I don’t want to talk about it as though it wasn’t while also holding a place for others who have had it worse. Heck I don’t know what I’m really saying. I wanted to change. Issue now could be an issue later, problem not a problem. Drinking is a waste of time. And it’s poison. It can be fun in moderation but for me moderation is now a few drinks a week not a few per day. I want to grow old more slowly. I want to be 75 and still kicking it on the things I love. Drinking can’t be a daily or even thrice a week thing anymore for what I want to do with my life. What is that? I don’t know.

[TwiceHorn 32106]

21 minutes ago, troph said:

I’m willing to call it a problem. I don’t want to talk about it as though it wasn’t while also holding a place for others who have had it worse. Heck I don’t know what I’m really saying. I wanted to change. Issue now could be an issue later, problem not a problem. Drinking is a waste of time. And it’s poison. It can be fun in moderation but for me moderation is now a few drinks a week not a few per day. I want to grow old more slowly. I want to be 75 and still kicking it on the things I love. Drinking can’t be a daily or even thrice a week thing anymore for what I want to do with my life. What is that? I don’t know.

Wasn't any kind of criticism, just an observation.  Glad it's working out for you.

[troph 25247]

I didn’t take it that way at all.

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

10 hours ago, TwiceHorn said:

As a drinking buddy of mine (without a problem) once observed:  drinking is an incredible waste of time.  I wholeheartedly agreed, but it was another 2-3-4 years before I did anything about it.

Of course, it's a bit less of a waste of time for an active alcoholic, because they do every damn thing while drinking, although not well or efficiently.

For me, it was not only a waste of time, but I also didn't accomplish anything for 20 years because of it. Started heavily in high school, already didn't enjoy school, so that amplified my dislike more and I barely graduated. There really wasn't anything I was interested in, so that exacerbated things more, and even though I had great friends,  it was a lonely place to be for me. I grew up in an educated family and so did most of my friends. So when college came around, I had no interest in it, but that's just what you did. 

I went and drank for 3 years with my friends and didn't go to class and tended bar. Dropped out with no clue what to do. I got in my car with a suitcase and drove 1500 miles away until the road literally ended in The Keys. Worked there for a year and drank by myself. The next 20 years were me doing whatever for work, just to be able to buy booze. I ended up in Texas, for no reason at all, while all my friends went on to finish school and grad school. Started careers and families and all that normal path shit. Almost all my drinking was by myself. Almost everything I did was by myself. I convinced myself that I was just a lone wolf. Independent. Didn't need anybody else because I wasn't weak and I did shit on my own, so fuck you. I'm free. 

Fast forward 20 years. No friends, except the friends I grew up with, who are still great friends, but they're all over the country and have all the stuff that I now want, but feel like it's too late for me. I'm 42 without a pot to piss in. Sad thing is, I'm plenty bright, have good social skills, can carry myself well with the 1%ers and the local labor worker, all the same. People like being around me and now I realize that I am the same as everyone else. I need people around me, too. I fought that for too long and have finally realized it myself. 

So I'm basically trying to figure out life as a middle-aged man, with no real skills, at least on paper, and not even an undergrad degree. Add to that, I can't think of anything that really piques my interest, as far as work goes.  It's daunting. But it's mine to own. I had every opportunity given to me and I fucked it up. 

 

 

 

 

[troph 25247]

revision - seems like daily anxiety is higher now.  it was much higher in early January when this all started, but even though a bit lower it's still intense and more so than before.  I'm assuming that's part of it too?  I don't think or feel like a drink would solve the problem.  I have no interest in that, in fact the idea is kind of repulsive.  super lost here.  

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. 

I personally don't understand what I call the pre-dependence types, because I wasn't even close to able to stop until I had some real scar tissue including the "you'd better let me off the plane right now if there's no more booze around, I will die if I don't get another drink, no I don't care that we're at 35,000 feet" level of physical dependence, but it's none of my business or anyone else's regardless. 

I personally would be pretty circumspect about sharing "what works for me" if what worked for me was quitting way before suicide attempts and jails and hospitals and rehab and divorces, but if it keeps someone sober, then whatever. You never know when what you say is going to help someone else.