I'm An Alcoholic

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

40 minutes ago, troph said:

revision - seems like daily anxiety is higher now.  it was much higher in early January when this all started, but even though a bit lower it's still intense and more so than before.  I'm assuming that's part of it too?  I don't think or feel like a drink would solve the problem.  I have no interest in that, in fact the idea is kind of repulsive.  super lost here.  

Anxiety is very much elevated by drinking. Daily anxiety is when that circle gets dangerous because it becomes the chicken or the egg. You are ahead of the game, in that you have realized this. 

[Sparky 149]

1 hour ago, BBQ2Bayou said:

For me, it was not only a waste of time, but I also didn't accomplish anything for 20 years because of it. Started heavily in high school, already didn't enjoy school, so that amplified my dislike more and I barely graduated. There really wasn't anything I was interested in, so that exacerbated things more, and even though I had great friends,  it was a lonely place to be for me.

Thanks for sharing, most of what you said I see in my story.  This part really hit home and is hard for me to explain/grasp still today.  I knew drinking was a waste of time and everything else but it took ~2 years for me to actually do something about it after realizing and accepting that.  Guess that's the whole cunning, baffling and powerful part.

Edited February 3, 2020 by Sparky

[Bogeywon 2518]

My mom admitted herself into the ER to detox and then be moved into a program 

[El Diablo 4232]

Prayers for your mom, Bogey. That's a good start she's made right there.

[Bogeywon 2518]

2 minutes ago, El Diablo said:

Prayers for your mom, Bogey. That's a good start she's made right there.

She’s been in and out over the last year. She’s fighting and that’s all I can ask

[El Diablo 4232]

8 hours ago, BBQ2Bayou said:

For me, it was not only a waste of time, but I also didn't accomplish anything for 20 years because of it. Started heavily in high school, already didn't enjoy school, so that amplified my dislike more and I barely graduated. There really wasn't anything I was interested in, so that exacerbated things more, and even though I had great friends,  it was a lonely place to be for me. I grew up in an educated family and so did most of my friends. So when college came around, I had no interest in it, but that's just what you did. 

I went and drank for 3 years with my friends and didn't go to class and tended bar. Dropped out with no clue what to do. I got in my car with a suitcase and drove 1500 miles away until the road literally ended in The Keys. Worked there for a year and drank by myself. The next 20 years were me doing whatever for work, just to be able to buy booze. I ended up in Texas, for no reason at all, while all my friends went on to finish school and grad school. Started careers and families and all that normal path shit. Almost all my drinking was by myself. Almost everything I did was by myself. I convinced myself that I was just a lone wolf. Independent. Didn't need anybody else because I wasn't weak and I did shit on my own, so fuck you. I'm free. 

Fast forward 20 years. No friends, except the friends I grew up with, who are still great friends, but they're all over the country and have all the stuff that I now want, but feel like it's too late for me. I'm 42 without a pot to piss in. Sad thing is, I'm plenty bright, have good social skills, can carry myself well with the 1%ers and the local labor worker, all the same. People like being around me and now I realize that I am the same as everyone else. I need people around me, too. I fought that for too long and have finally realized it myself. 

So I'm basically trying to figure out life as a middle-aged man, with no real skills, at least on paper, and not even an undergrad degree. Add to that, I can't think of anything that really piques my interest, as far as work goes.  It's daunting. But it's mine to own. I had every opportunity given to me and I fucked it up. 

Hey amigo, you're at the age where I went OUT. I'd been sober since I was 30 but not in the program and shit got weird and I went for what I knew would ease the pain immediately. Spent the next 14 years killing myself and everything good. Don't sweat the lack of focus or a readily apparent cause, seriously. The only thing I didn't lose was my job, somehow. I got sober 4 years ago with some help from Schlong. Since then I still have the job but no real plan. I still don't know what I like, what I want to be when I grow up, etc... It takes time to find something that's been lost for decades. It's starting to come to me though. It'll come to you too if you just give it time. 4 years here and still no real clue but I think it'll come to me if I just stay sober. Drunk? Not gonna happen. Keep sharing, I love your posts. 

[El Diablo 4232]

1 minute ago, Bogeywon said:

She’s been in and out over the last year. She’s fighting and that’s all I can ask

I did the exact same thing she's doing. Well, with the exception of I didn't have a plan for after I detoxed. Dried out over a weekend after admitting to ER. Went home. Sat around, got bored and went to the store. It took someone from this forum getting in touch with someone local who could get me into the AA rooms to finally get the show on the road but, and this is just my own opinion, I think if we make one step towards making a change with an open heart and willingness, then the universe will reciprocate. Can't hurt. 

[Pam Cummings 9560]

Gonna preface this by saying i still smoke weed so i'm not a stone cold sober guy like the rest of you.

 

It's been 2 years since i stopped drinking and i gotta say, you guys have the right idea. So much money saved, zero stupid/regrettable behavior, better relationships with people.

 

Alcoholism runs in the family. I did a lot of ridiculously dumb and avoidable things while drinking. Finally had enough. It really is the worst drug there is. Reading this thread helps to remind me why a guy like me should just stay away. Thank yall, really, just remember to take it one day at a time.

[JohnnyRage 1617]

22 hours ago, BBQ2Bayou said:

 I'm 42 without a pot to piss in. Sad thing is, I'm plenty bright, have good social skills, can carry myself well with the 1%ers and the local labor worker, all the same. People like being around me and now I realize that I am the same as everyone else. I need people around me, too. I fought that for too long and have finally realized it myself. 

So I'm basically trying to figure out life as a middle-aged man, with no real skills, at least on paper, and not even an undergrad degree. Add to that, I can't think of anything that really piques my interest, as far as work goes.  It's daunting. But it's mine to own. I had every opportunity given to me and I fucked it up. 

 

 

 

 

42? Sheeeeeeet

If I were you I'd go to AA just for the laughs, social events, and the women (not the 13th step, but healthy women)

[Dertyberd 394]

I haven't been on the board since mid January, but I must express my sincere gratitude.  On January 22 I was blessed with 2 years continuous sobriety.  I was also lucky enough to begin a dream job that same day that keeps me working very long hours this time of year.  Neither of those would've happened without ya'll and the support of a program.  

Most importantly on the 26th, when I was busy at work, my brother called me. He called the drunk who couldn't be counted on to show up to Christmas without enough alcohol in my body that you could smell it, during a medical emergency and a ride to the hospital.  He lives outside of ambulance service and his wife and neighbors weren't home.  He called me, and I answered and was there for him.  They shot him up with morphine and sent him home with a bunch of pills to rest. I spent the night and next day with him to make sure he took his heavy pain meds and sedatives.  Six bottles of pills placed out on a counter for four or six hour doses, right next to a full bar of the best whiskey you can buy. I was there, checking the time.  The same guy he watched lose his mind and jump out of his automobile at 45 mph as he tried to get me to a hospital to detox just a little over two years ago. Me. Maybe not exactly me, but the same DNA, now a completely different person than I was when I was drinking.  I did my job as a brother should to take care of my own.  The thought of a drink didn't cross my mind.  The thought of sneaking a pill didn't cross my mind.  None of that hit me until I was on my way home. "Holy shit dude, that would've been a gold mine of a disaster waiting to happen a couple of years ago."  Then I thought a little more.  He never would've even called me to help two years ago.  I would've found out several days after the fact, if at all.  Even if I did I probably wouldn't have cared or remembered much. What a fuckin trip. So much so I still pinch myself every once in a while when I stop and think where I came from and what today is like.

If you're reading this and aren't sure shit can change, believe it.  Tomorrow is not written if you don't let it. I promise you never have to feel like you do right now again.  

I'm grateful for my two years.  I'm lucky to land my dream job.  I'm proud to be the calm one in the office nowadays when the shit hits the fan. I've lived crazier stuff than a couple of things going wrong at work.  I like to say there are no more big deals in life after getting sober.  There are just opportunities to have the best day I can no matter what happens.  The truth is there are some big deals. My brother called me, and I was there.  Thats a big fucking deal and I'm grateful.

Love you all. Happy days.  Grateful to be sober for another 24 hours.   

 

Edit.  My brother is all good.  Poor fucker had a 4mm kidney stone he couldn't pass. I kept saying this too shall pass. He kind of thought it was funny. 

Edited February 8, 2020 by Dertyberd

[BearSchlong 8077]

Love that post.

Just left the Saturday morning meeting feeling spiritually filled up. Gonna need it, taking my mom to Houston for a hip replacement this week.

[Bogeywon 2518]

Visited mom yesterday at the hospital. Was on Ativan and withdrawing still. She fell to her knees in the bathroom but is fine 

[Dewey 3280]

Things will get better, its important to believe that, she needs to believe it,  you need to believe it. Our greatest love comes from our toughest trials. Hang in there.

[hullabelew 3698]

Need to get this back on page one.  Hope everyone has a great and safe weekend.  

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

I heard some good stuff this morning.

From the Joe and Charlie tapes: "'When they talked of a God personal to me... I became irritated, and my mind snapped shut.' In other words, Bill's saying, 'There's got to be a harder way!"

Also, not from the tapes, "a lot of people will say that AA will ruin your drinking. It ruins being an asshole, too!"

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

I don't know if this is an old saying or not, but I heard it the other day in a James McMurtry song and it resonated a lot with me. 

"And I don't won't another drink,
I only want that last one again"

[hullabelew 3698]

If anyone needs a good read, check out Tommy Womack's new book, Dust Bunnies.  Tommy is a great songwriter and has played in dozens of bands over the years.  He has a fantastic story about addiction.  If you like music at all, this is a fantastic read.  Tommy is a great guy......so incredibly nice and genuine.  The last time I talked to him, he was playing at a the Sunday Service at the rehab where I went.  I still go back there once a month for a meeting on Friday nights and then again for Sunday service.  It's a 4 hour drive to Nashville, but it makes for a fun getaway and it keeps me sane.  Anyway, Tommy had a briefcase with his CDs and books in it.  Just propped open with a sign that said, "Give what you can".  

https://www.amazon.com/Dust-Bunnies-Tommy-Glynn-Womack/dp/0692180575

He played this song at the service.  About a good day he had, right in the middle of his addiction.  

 

 

 

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

un fucking believable, I love that so much

[hullabelew 3698]

20 minutes ago, SwanderedTalent said:

un fucking believable, I love that so much

Tommy tells a great joke about ADD and Tourettes.  He has both.  

How many kids with ADD and Tourettes does it take to screw in a light bulb?  
.................
.................
................
........................

Let's go ride bikes, cocksucker!

[MaybeACoordinator 8349]

On 2/21/2020 at 6:36 AM, hullabelew said:

Tommy tells a great joke about ADD and Tourettes.  He has both.  

How many kids with ADD and Tourettes does it take to screw in a light bulb?  
.................
.................
................
........................

Let's go ride bikes, cocksucker!

I worked with Tommy at the Nashville Bookstar (Barnes and Noble theater store) 25 years ago. Super nice guy, and I also recommend his book The Cheese Chronicles -- about as good a read as any journal of a bunch of almost famous bar band musicians as there is out there. 

[hullabelew 3698]

Super cool.  Man, you must have seen him in the middle of this shit.  I think his last arrest, and the one that finally helped him get sober, happened in 2012.  Yep.  The Cheese Chronicles is a fantastic book.   I need to reread that.  

[El Diablo 4232]

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

Tackle this obstacle, diablo

[MaybeACoordinator 8349]

11 hours ago, hullabelew said:

Super cool.  Man, you must have seen him in the middle of this shit.  I think his last arrest, and the one that finally helped him get sober, happened in 2012.  Yep.  The Cheese Chronicles is a fantastic book.   I need to reread that.  

Back then he wasn't much of a mess at all. Not that we hung out a ton, but I saw him at a few parties and I never even thought he was a drinker drinker...Must have been late onset for him.

[El Diablo 4232]

1 hour ago, BBQ2Bayou said:

Tackle this obstacle, diablo

One day at a time brother one day at a time.

[Celery Man 20881]

2 hours ago, El Diablo said:

this was supposed to be a selfie

[El Diablo 4232]

9 hours ago, Celery Man said:

this was supposed to be a selfie

Haha. Yes. If we had coffee here I would have spit mine out. Thanks for the laugh.

[hullabelew 3698]

Dammit.  Already our of rep on my first thread of the morning.  Good job gentlemen.

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

I've been sober a little over 21 months now. It's nice that when I go back through my photos from a year ago to send a pic of my daughter to her grandparents ("look what she was doing 1 yr ago today"), I don't have any big gaps. When I go back more than 21 months, there are big gaps. Like nothing between February 11 and February 25 of 2018-- two weeks, I'm sure I was off in some hotel trying for oblivion. 

Joe and Charlie call that "the sickest kind of drinking" and it really was. Grateful I don't have to do that today.

[El Diablo 4232]

Home again! Had a great week, VA folks were fantastic. There were I think 9 patients most of the time. People would come and go, folks getting discharged and new blood getting admitted. Mostly older guys like myself with varying degrees of sight loss. There were a couple of women too which surprised me a bit. I spent probably 7 or so hours working with the white cane over the 3 full days and learned a good bit about that aspect. Some of that was with a blindfold on and exploring one of the buildings on campus that was mostly devoid of people. Obviously I still have fear of what the future will be but after being around and observing those with no sight at all I think if it comes to that then I'll be able to cope. I left there optimistic about my situation which was not the case before arriving. Hope is a good thing. Keep trudging.

[ocugolf 1210]

5 months today. 

[hullabelew 3698]

Great job Diablo and ocugolf!  

[gasman 114]

Fantastic news Diablo.

Nice going ocugolf, keep it up. 

[ocugolf 1210]

Man. I was cruising. No cravings. No thoughts of even having a beer. Thought “this is gonna be cake”. Well fast forward to today. I volunteer some for my wife’s work. She works in college athletics and they are perpetually understaffed. So I’m an attorney and can work from wherever so I help when she has events. A lot goes into putting this stuff on. Sometimes you do stuff that’s not close to under your job description just to get it done. Well, I’m doing some menial labor helping put school flags up in the gym. The wife is dealing with a university having a hotel nightmare. So, putting up flags sucks. I ask a coworker “hey could you help with the flags, it’d help me and Mrs ocugolf a lot”. He wasn’t doing shit. Responded with “I’m sure it would” and went and fucked around on the internet. Made me irrationally mad and my mind went straight to wanting to pound an old fashioned or eight. I calmed down, I’m fine. But it was a nice reminder that there are gonna be up and downs and it’s ok to struggle.

[Dewey 3280]

You wouldn't be human if you didn't struggle.  

"This to shall pass", for my first year and a half I never believed it. In the throws of anger and depression,  I never once believed that "this to shall pass", but it does, each time. I'm certainly glad I held on long enough to see the finish of each fit, to see that it did pass, I didnt need a drink to cool me out, I didnt need to raise hell. I just needed some time. 

 

 

 

 

 

[MaybeACoordinator 8349]

3 hours ago, ocugolf said:

Man. I was cruising. No cravings. No thoughts of even having a beer. Thought “this is gonna be cake”. Well fast forward to today. I volunteer some for my wife’s work. She works in college athletics and they are perpetually understaffed. So I’m an attorney and can work from wherever so I help when she has events. A lot goes into putting this stuff on. Sometimes you do stuff that’s not close to under your job description just to get it done. Well, I’m doing some menial labor helping put school flags up in the gym. The wife is dealing with a university having a hotel nightmare. So, putting up flags sucks. I ask a coworker “hey could you help with the flags, it’d help me and Mrs ocugolf a lot”. He wasn’t doing shit. Responded with “I’m sure it would” and went and fucked around on the internet. Made me irrationally mad and my mind went straight to wanting to pound an old fashioned or eight. I calmed down, I’m fine. But it was a nice reminder that there are gonna be up and downs and it’s ok to struggle.

That woulda showed that little punk! Revenge is best when directed at oneself! (Wait, that's not how that goes...)

[TwiceHorn 31240]

Only slightly on-topic, but I have recently resumed reading James Lee Burke's Dave Robicheaux books.  He's a solid writer, they are good stories, and he writes poignantly about our problem  Robicheaux is many years in recovery, as is Burke, but writes about the ongoing struggle.

I caught up with the books in about 2005 and didn't realize he's written a whole pile more.  Good stuff if you like that sort of thing.

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

13 hours ago, ocugolf said:

Made me irrationally mad and my mind went straight to wanting to pound an old fashioned or eight.

yup, we're responsible for the second thought and the first action. that first thought's hardwired. so when shit like this happens and your first thought is "you know what would be nice is my fist through your fucking face there buddy", hey, that's OK, as long as what comes next is an attempt at regaining serenity

[hullabelew 3698]

@ocugolf. I had the same thing a couple of days ago. Dealing with asshole-palooza at work... Constant thoughts of heading to my old bar...... Make it through... Then on the way home, wife sends a txt, pissed off at me about some meaningless bullshit. I so-fucking-bad thought about pulling in to any of a number of old bars on the way home and just disappearing for a couple of days. This was on day 299 for me.

Made it through..... Closest time I've been to relapse since I got out of rehab.

[Celery Man 20881]

I know this is a stupid place to talk about a dumb Netflix show but that insane reaction to perceived slights is why I Think You Should Leave kills me and I’ve watched it five times. The first episode sketch where the guy eats the gift receipt from the present his friend didn’t like (and then it gets weird) is like an alcoholic’s fever dream. I googled “Tim Robinson alcoholic” just because I was sure he had to suffer from the mental twist.

[Sbbruin 21704]

2 minutes ago, Celery Man said:

I know this is a stupid place to talk about a dumb Netflix show but that insane reaction to perceived slights is why I Think You Should Leave kills me and I’ve watched it five times. The first episode sketch where the guy eats the gift receipt from the present his friend didn’t like (and then it gets weird) is like an alcoholic’s fever dream. I googled “Tim Robinson alcoholic” just because I was sure he had to suffer from the mental twist.

That show is classic.  The Fred Willard on the carney organ brought me to tears.

[Celery Man 20881]

My wife had a work event last night at the Van Zandt (off Rainey) and I was there until a bit past midnight.  Great success, really glad for them that it was still a success given the impending shutdown of the world, glad to help out, but MAN I hate being out in drunk town late on a Saturday night.  I went to go get her some empanadas from Four Brothers while things were wrapping up and just navigating through the shambling horde of people blech.

[hullabelew 3698]

I was watching Live PD a couple of weeks ago.  Kind of enjoy watching what I'm avoiding now.  Anyway, cops are headed to a fight.  Pull up to a typical strip center.  I think, "Great, a bar fight."  Two chicks meet the cops.....dammit, they are sober...must be the managers.  They are telling the story about some dude raising hell.....  boring.   Show the drunk fucker or his 'old lady' screaming, 'Here, hold my shoes....I'mma whip that bitch's ass."  None of that.  Chicks are yucking it up with the cops.  Then one chick off screen starts giving the camera man her name.  I think she either wants to be on TV or is hitting on him.  Then another one wheels around and says, "Hey bitch.  Anonymity is our spiritual foundation.  Press, TV...some shit...just keep it to yourself" and they all start laughing again.  

Apparently, a fight either broke out at an AA meeting or just spilled over from next door.  Made me chuckle, though I have actually witnessed a fight in an AA meeting several years ago when too old long time dry drunks got in to it during a meeting.  

[BearSchlong 8077]

I know a guy who saw a guy guy shoot his sponsor during a meeting. I have personally seen a guy tackle a violent drunk guy in a meeting, throw him over his shoulder, take him to the parking lot, and sit with him for an hour just talking.

I've seen the police cruising the parking lot at meetings, looking for certain license plates.

[Charles DeMar 221]

On 3/10/2020 at 6:23 PM, BearSchlong said:

I know a guy who saw a guy guy shoot his sponsor during a meeting. I have personally seen a guy tackle a violent drunk guy in a meeting, throw him over his shoulder, take him to the parking lot, and sit with him for an hour just talking.

I've seen the police cruising the parking lot at meetings, looking for certain license plates.

Wow.  Apparently I'm going to the wrong (?) meetings. 

[BearSchlong 8077]

I'm really hoping that AA isn't dramatically affected by Coronavirus. . .not going to meetings, or having meetings cancelled by the church where they are held is really going to suck.  Hope we don't have rampant relapse.

[gasman 114]

1 hour ago, BearSchlong said:

I'm really hoping that AA isn't dramatically affected by Coronavirus. . .not going to meetings, or having meetings cancelled by the church where they are held is really going to suck.  Hope we don't have rampant relapse.

Step 3: p 38 of the 12 and 12: When World War II broke out, this spiritual principle had its first major test. A.A.'s entered the services and were scattered all over the world. Would they be able to take the discipline, stand up under fire, and endure the monotony and misery of war? Would the kind of dependence they had learned in A.A. carry them through? Well, it did. 

Great time to reach out to your sponsor and or sponsees everyone. 

 

[BearSchlong 8077]

Thanks for that.  I'll probably use that for a meeting topic.

 

[El Diablo 4232]

On 3/10/2020 at 4:23 PM, BearSchlong said:

I know a guy who saw a guy guy shoot his sponsor during a meeting. I have personally seen a guy tackle a violent drunk guy in a meeting, throw him over his shoulder, take him to the parking lot, and sit with him for an hour just talking.

I've seen the police cruising the parking lot at meetings, looking for certain license plates.

I went after a guy with a chair once during a group conscience meeting. I was feeling pretty cocky until I dislocated my shoulder, then I was glad someone took the chair away.

Coffee is serious shit. 

[Sparky 149]

The first group conscience meeting I went to I was shocked at what a difference from a meeting it was, it did have more of a chair throwing tone to it.  Good to hear it's not just my home group.