I'm An Alcoholic

[Not a cat 5,615]

Yep.  Seen it in alanon a bunch, and I imagine it's the same in any 12 step group.  You know immediately when they start sharing that it's gonna be a long one.   

[SwanderedTalent 5,761]

I personally don't modify my behavior any between open and closed meetings, so it wouldn't or doesn't really bother me if the non-alcoholic types come to meetings.

Unless they want to talk.

[JohnnyRage 1,617]

I recently learned from a speaker in a how to chair person workshop that even in an open meeting in his experience it’s not appropriate to call on to share that is an observer or someone that does not identify as alcoholic or that does not have a desire to stop drinking, including addicts (he added the caveat he’s only ever met one addict that was also not alcoholic).

 

I recently had encounters with someone that was strange about her identification as an alcoholic, and she asked really newbie questions for someone that had her amount of sobriety. I subsequently learned from a friend that was asked to be her sponsor that this person confided in her that she did not have a problem with drinking. It was probably more of a problem with self image, social anxiety, and loneliness.
 

So my friend had to let her go as a Sponsee. Her reply was one of comfort and that it was OK because she had another sponsor at a different group.

[ocugolf 1,210]

So I’m a couple days away from 6 months. I’ve done a lot of introspection. Does anyone else feel they drank more around old friends because that’s what the friends expected. Almost like a performance. I was the type that tried to make sure everyone had fun so always ordered shots, cracked the jokes, etc. I’d always get hammered and basically give people stories to laugh at. I think I played up in my mind that I HAD to go above and beyond because that was my reputation. It became so exhausting. The same friends I “performed” for are the ones that set this six months of Sobriety in motion, so they weren’t egging me on or making the situation worse. 
 

Not going to the bar, the COVID hysteria, and stability has given me LOTS of time to think. It’s nice to see my wit, happiness, and since of fulfillment continue to grow. That being me is ok. 

[Jerry Callo 8,663]

My guess is that your expectation of the situation was clouded by your desire/need to drink.  I know mine was - I often found my self buying rounds to keep everyone drinking with me.  Good work on the nearly 6 months.

[ocugolf 1,210]

11 minutes ago, Jerry Callo said:

My guess is that your expectation of the situation was clouded by your desire/need to drink.  I know mine was - I often found my self buying rounds to keep everyone drinking with me.  Good work on the nearly 6 months.

That’s well put. I certainly agree. Thanks. I’ll add that to my mental map.

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

2 hours ago, ocugolf said:

That’s well put. I certainly agree. Thanks. I’ll add that to my mental map.

I learned quickly on this thread and the shag thread, that a lot of these guys here can put into words exactly what you're trying to, but can't.  There's a shitload of empathy and experience here. Congrats on the 6 months. Keep on keepin' on. 

[Kennythetiger 9,334]

17 hours ago, ocugolf said:

So I’m a couple days away from 6 months. I’ve done a lot of introspection. Does anyone else feel they drank more around old friends because that’s what the friends expected. Almost like a performance. I was the type that tried to make sure everyone had fun so always ordered shots, cracked the jokes, etc. I’d always get hammered and basically give people stories to laugh at. I think I played up in my mind that I HAD to go above and beyond because that was my reputation. It became so exhausting. The same friends I “performed” for are the ones that set this six months of Sobriety in motion, so they weren’t egging me on or making the situation worse. 
 

Not going to the bar, the COVID hysteria, and stability has given me LOTS of time to think. It’s nice to see my wit, happiness, and since of fulfillment continue to grow. That being me is ok. 

A couple of my best drinking buddies were also (surprising to me) two of the most supportive of my sobriety.  I mentioned this to them one time, and they pointed out that they were usually the ones that ended up giving me a ride home or otherwise dealing with my drunk ass.  They said it's now nice to call me to go out for "a drink" and have me give my own self a ride home after my ginger beer at the country club.  

[Shoxthemonkey 1,976]

Your buddies are the same as I was with my AA golf buddy. I tried to be as supportive of him as I knew to be and I have to thank a lot of the participants of this thread for that guidance.

RIP Shippy, I miss you.

[hullabelew 3,698]

3 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

A couple of my best drinking buddies were also (surprising to me) two of the most supportive of my sobriety.  I mentioned this to them one time, and they pointed out that they were usually the ones that ended up giving me a ride home or otherwise dealing with my drunk ass.  They said it's now nice to call me to go out for "a drink" and have me give my own self a ride home after my ginger beer at the country club.  

I found the same thing.  Exactly.  And also the same as Golf mentioned.   I've since gotten a lot of questions from other former drinking buddies that I still hang out with how I did it, how it is going for me.  Even helped one get into a local rehab for 90 days.   Two of them still drink were two that kept in touch with me in rehab....writing letters and sending me care packages.  Will be 11 months in 6 days since I limped in to rehab.  

[BearSchlong 8,077]

Thank fucking God my wife had a lengthy conversation with her sponsor yesterday and then found some Zoom-based Al Anon meetings today.  I'm proud of her.

My 20 year old daughter has been with us for 3 weeks since Mizzou cancelled in-person classes, which is the longest continuous time that my wife has spent with her ever.  Usually she's the cool stepmom that pops into town for a weekend and parties with my daughter and her Kappa sisters.

My daughter is basically my twin, with the exception that she's more disciplined and maintains a very high GPA in the honors college and Journalism school.  She's a part time waitress at a bar and grill, and she knows all about the way I drank and the physical allergy.  I'm working with the assumption that either her or her brother might end up with the phenomenon of craving, if family history holds true.

Anyway, last night after talking to her sponsor my wife admitted that she's been obsessed over the quantity my daughter drinks - in 3 weeks she's had a 12 pack of white claw, a liter of Titos (Bloody Marys), and maybe 6 beers.  I don't think I have ever seen her drunk.  Her drinking doesn't even register on my radar as problematic, just normal college student.  Never entered my mind that there's a problem.

Wife admitted she was monitoring the vodka bottles, quantity of booze in the fridge, etc, and was driving herself crazy and getting huge resentments about my daughter.  I was incredulous that she went full untreated Al Anon for a week, told her I was proud that she recognized her behavior and reached out for help.  Her qualifier is her ex husband - she and I met during my 8th month of sobriety.

That being said, we're handling the COVID-19 with dignity and grace, no real drama or disagreements - just the added person to our household.  It wasn't that many years ago I was drinking and terrorizing my kids, now welcoming them into a loving household.

Oh yeah, My son graduates from A&M and gets his Army commission on May 8, goes into the US Army Medical Service Corps, and then goes to Korea for a year on September 9.  Heck of a time to start that gig, right?  I feel for his non-army pals who went through corporate recruiting only to have job offers rescinded.  Shitty time to be graduating.

Edited April 2, 2020 by BearSchlong

[ocugolf 1,210]

6 months today. Crazy. Thanks for being there and being great role models and examples. 6 freaking months.

[hullabelew 3,698]

20 hours ago, ocugolf said:

6 months today. Crazy. Thanks for being there and being great role models and examples. 6 freaking months.

Fantastic job!  Let's keep it up, shall we?  

I'm REALLY missing my Sunday morning meeting.  I LOVE going to it and really is the only meeting I go to some weeks.  It is that solid.  And I was horning in on a Zoom meeting through my IOP buddies, but that place finally got organized  and started doing it through their 'official' site, so I'm out of that.  Oh well.  Just talking to guys now....but I miss that face to face time.  

Edited April 3, 2020 by hullabelew

[BearSchlong 8,077]

Lots of other zoom meetings, just google or let me know if you need some links.

@ocugolfcongratulations!  That is a big deal!

[Genco 3,038]

Is anybody else's meetings being affected by these zoomshitters? My group now requires a zoom password to join the meeting which eliminates any possibility of newcomers or visitors from another group. How are your groups handling the issue?

[JohnnyRage 1,617]

2 hours ago, Genco said:

Is anybody else's meetings being affected by these zoomshitters? My group now requires a zoom password to join the meeting which eliminates any possibility of newcomers or visitors from another group. How are your groups handling the issue?

Did someone specifically target your group? Or did they just hear about this over social media?

[Genco 3,038]

My group hasn't been targeted specifically but a couple other meetings I go to have been. My group began using a password this morning as a preemptive measure. Two others I visit once a week also began protecting their meetings this morning.

These guys are trolling for unsecured zoom meetings. They're entirely indiscriminate.

[Celery Man 20,881]

What do they do when they get on?

[MaybeACoordinator 8,349]

4 hours ago, Celery Man said:

What do they do when they get on?

Basically what some of us did to TOS. Not scat, but similar. A lot of these people are like, 12, so they will just show a pic of some boobs or something. 

[Sparky 149]

Ours now require a password.  Hackers/trolls are having a field day with non protected meetings/calls on Zoom in general.  We have a full schedule of them now, well fairly full which is encouraging.  Now just hoping those attending remember the 7th tradition.

[hullabelew 3,698]

Mother Fucker.  Just watched Tommy Womack's "Monday Morning Coffee".  Fucking cancer has returned.  Fuck. 

This video was shot just before he was arrested and went to jail then rehab in 2012.  I can't tell you what Tommy means to me.  He still goes back to Cumberland and plays at the Sunday services.   Brings his books and CDs and just says, "Give what you can."    Send up some peaceful thoughts to whoever you do that with.

 

[hullabelew 3,698]

ww.youtube.com/watch?v=lo3DnNLCcK8

[hullabelew 3,698]

God, I love the man.

 

[JohnnyRage 1,617]

You're out there, and it hurts.

But it's your story, and it takes what it takes. We don't have all the answers, but we are here and willing to listen. Why, because we fucking know how how it feels. We know how it feels to be active in our cups of addiction where almost nothing could rip us away from punting on life and finding a way to take one more drink.

It doesn't have to be that way. You keep us sober. The best time to quit drinking was 10 years ago, the second best time is now.

Reach out.

[JohnnyRage 1,617]

Or maybe you are like me, a chronic relapse consequence guy.

"Oh, hi. After some period of not drinking, my life just gets better. I've got an insane non-idea, I could more or less survive some time back in the deep end..."

The terror/bewilderment of another not-yet consequence.

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

Has there been any way to somewhat track relapses during this? Numbers in rehab or deaths from addiction or anything? Or just what y'all have seen personally?

Hope everyone here hasn't had too tough of a time with isolation. I know it's hard for a lot of people. I'm a homebody anyway, so I haven't much of a difference. 

Except for a drinking dream recently that I hadn't had in a while. The real vivid type where you wake up so pissed off at yourself. It's always nice once you realize you didn't and wake up sober another day.  

[Jerry Callo 8,663]

Although too much time with isolation might be tough on some, trying to keep the plates spinning during the apocalypse would be much more difficult.  I hit the 15 month mark today.  I'm grateful that I'm not stopping by my rotation of liquor stores every couple of days.  I'm grateful that I'm trying to hide my drinking with the whole family around morning, noon, and night.  

[MaybeACoordinator 8,349]

5 minutes ago, Jerry Callo said:

Although too much time with isolation might be tough on some, trying to keep the plates spinning during the apocalypse would be much more difficult.  I hit the 15 month mark today.  I'm grateful that I'm not stopping by my rotation of liquor stores every couple of days.  I'm grateful that I'm trying to hide my drinking with the whole family around morning, noon, and night.  

Eight months for me today. I'd done a good job of settling into a healthy routine pre-quarantine and am now working on a new one...But yeah, the words "there is nothing about this that drinking wouldn't make ten times worse" have never been more apt than they are right now.  

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

1 hour ago, MaybeACoordinator said:

"there is nothing about this that drinking wouldn't make ten times worse" have never been more apt than they are right now.  

Sure would be the ultimate excuse though, wouldn't it? Shit, how many excuses have we all come up with that made zero sense to anyone but us? 

This whole thing would give me a great reason to lie to myself for another year of drinking. Glad I don't see it that way anymore. 

[BearSchlong 8,077]

Congrats to everyone on the road to happy destiny.

All I have to do is be rigorously honest, stay in gratitude, and be helpful to the world and the selfishness and self centeredness slips away and I get to STAY SOBER.  I'm so humbled by the life that I was given.  Damned happy to be safe, sober, and reasonably sane today.

[MaybeACoordinator 8,349]

12 minutes ago, BBQ2Bayou said:

Sure would be the ultimate excuse though, wouldn't it? Shit, how many excuses have we all come up with that made zero sense to anyone but us? 

This whole thing would give me a great reason to lie to myself for another year of drinking. Glad I don't see it that way anymore. 

Totally. To the drunk, staying shit-faced through all this somehow seems...noble or something. "Oh I'm so sensitive I have to drink, but when I drink I am stoic and brave. The world needs me drunk." 

And sadly a huge number of "functioning alcoholics" are going to cross the functionality line, and many others whose drinking is not yet a problem will slip into the high end of the functional zone. It can't happen to you until it does, and when it does, most won't admit it until they burn their lives down.  Those that are already in that process will get there quicker...Social media is enabling this with everybody joking about drinking before noon and such. It's funny 'til it isn't.

Edited April 13, 2020 by MaybeACoordinator

[MaybeACoordinator 8,349]

I've come in recent weeks to believe that it's not so much that alcoholism that is a disease, but more that alcohol itself is the disease. (That it's a poison is indisputable.) Some of us suffer from alcohol more than others but all of us have the potential to die from it, whether suddenly  (through accidents or acute intoxication) or over long decades. The vast majority of people will not, of course, but neither will the vast majority of people who catch common diseases. Alcohol is a disease we choose to catch to varying degrees and some of us end up with a secondary infection -- the craving for more that has a mind of its own. 

[SwanderedTalent 5,761]

On 4/13/2020 at 1:58 PM, MaybeACoordinator said:

And sadly a huge number of "functioning alcoholics" are going to cross the functionality line

true-- now, all we can do is hope and pray they realize it quickly

if they're like me, they'll mistake "still gettin dat paycheck and not divorced" for "functional", for a long time

[BearSchlong 8,077]

If you are lurking, or an AA member looking for a new experience in the program, I cordially invite you to attend the noon Zoom meeting for the Downtown Group in Beaumont.  Tuesdays and Thursdays, noon CDT.  If you get called on you can just say you found the info on the deep web, or muledick, or treefiddy.

Info is as follows:

Zoom

ID: 904-529-8989
Password: 0124

 

[SwanderedTalent 5,761]

Dang. I have a once-a-month work commitment @ noon today. I'll try to join next Tuesday. 

[BearSchlong 8,077]

See you then.  Also, I was kidding about muledick, you can say you were invited by Will

[futureman 22,414]

got one year for the second time in my life yesterday.  the first time was a decade ago after treatment, I was living in a halfway house on riverside in austin, and I was miserable.  didn’t pick up a year chip and started smoking synthetic weed shortly after, which quickly became real weed, and then alcohol.  this time is better and I do want to get a chip, but then there’s that whole global pandemic thing is going on...  several of my buddies have gone out in the last month; when it’s taken away you really understand how much the daily interaction with other alcoholics is so important to not picking up. 

[JohnnyRage 1,617]

I had no idea bud! Awesome for you.
 

I did over a year once, and then a few months later I drank to prove to others that I didn’t have to stay sober and I try to twist them in some sort of way. But it was my mind that was the twisted one. My sobriety date could be May 25, 2015. Now it’s only a month and a half ago.

[El Diablo 4,232]

My first sobriety date was Nov. 27, 1990, a few months after my 30th belly button birthday. Decided I needed a drink in late January of 2002 that I didn't finish until @BearSchlong had someone come take me to a meeting on January 25th of 2016. I know that as a rule we're discouraged from doing math here but give it a shot.  

You may ask "What could have possibly driven you back to the drink after so many years sober, Diablo?". Well, my dog died. True story. There was of course a lot leading up to that but that was my breaking point, putting my best friend to bed forever.

 @hundredTT I've been there bud. Please don't lose the next 14 years of your life like I did, k? 

[hullabelew 3,698]

A year ago today, I got bailed out of jail.  My life had been spinning horribly out of control for about 6 months.  Hell, my train wreck was in a tail spin.  I had already decided to go to rehab but thought I would take a couple of weeks to get my 'affairs in order'.  That worked out fucking great.  Called the place later that afternoon and got a date for May 8.  Did I quit drinking between 4/17 and May 8?  Are you fucking kidding?    Even with that looming over my head, I still couldn't stop, and I wanted to.  

So, if I can just not drink for the next 21 days, I'll have a year.  Honestly, this last month has been the hardest, just because of the situation right now.   But I haven't really come close, but because the bars are closed and I don't dare drive by a liquor store.  

[Jerry Callo 8,663]

5 minutes ago, hullabelew said:

Did I quit drinking between 4/17 and May 8?  Are you fucking kidding?    Even with that looming over my head, I still couldn't stop, and I wanted to.

To your defense, there probably haven't been 5 alcoholics in the history of ever that would have quit drinking during that time.  If you made it through last month, you can make it through today.

[JohnnyRage 1,617]

@hullabelewI went into a facility a full two weeks sober. It was turrible. "Why am I still in the detox wing? Why do you keep trying to give me detox meds?1?" It just turned into a game of what do I need to get done to get out of here the quickest so that I could get outside of these walls to start saving my real life. After all of that, I strangely made a decision at the 5 month sobriety mark that I was going to go back in (back to drinking) once I reached 6 months. So I knew I was going to relapse for a whole month, and I was ok with it.

The insanity.

[MaybeACoordinator 8,349]

 

On 4/16/2020 at 9:59 AM, JohnnyRage said:

I had no idea bud! Awesome for you.
 

I did over a year once, and then a few months later I drank to prove to others that I didn’t have to stay sober and I try to twist them in some sort of way. But it was my mind that was the twisted one. My sobriety date could be May 25, 2015. Now it’s only a month and a half ago.

Yeah mine should have been January something or other...That was when I went to the PARC the first time. 

2 hours ago, Jerry Callo said:

To your defense, there probably haven't been 5 alcoholics in the history of ever that would have quit drinking during that time.  If you made it through last month, you can make it through today.

Something we found out at the PARC: hardly any of us arrived sober and most of us took our last drink in the parking lot. I blew a .23 or so on entry the first time and a little less the second, possibly because I got there earlier in the day.

4 minutes ago, JohnnyRage said:

@hullabelewI went into a facility a full two weeks sober. It was turrible. "Why am I still in the detox wing? Why do you keep trying to give me detox meds?1?" It just turned into a game of what do I need to get done to get out of here the quickest so that I could get outside of these walls to start saving my real life. After all of that, I strangely made a decision at the 5 month sobriety mark that I was going to go back in (back to drinking) once I reached 6 months. So I knew I was going to relapse for a whole month, and I was ok with it.

The insanity.

Yeah, that was me too. I kinda circled the Fourth of July as a good day to declare independence from sanity and did just that. There was no pussyfooting around, either; no dabbling with a six-pack or having a couple at a bar. I went to a liquor store, bought a plastic handle of McCormick, and started guzzling it right there in the parking lot. Five weeks later I was having seizures while trying to taper. 

[MaybeACoordinator 8,349]

And thank all of y'all for this thread -- I didn't like where my mind was going a few minutes ago and this was a good reality check. 

[BearSchlong 8,077]

51 minutes ago, MaybeACoordinator said:

Yeah, that was me too. I kinda circled the Fourth of July as a good day to declare independence from sanity and did just that. There was no pussyfooting around, either; no dabbling with a six-pack or having a couple at a bar. I went to a liquor store, bought a plastic handle of McCormick, and started guzzling it right there in the parking lot. Five weeks later I was having seizures while trying to taper. 

Thanks for posting this, because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is me.  When it comes to drinking I've got a supercharged V8 and no brakes.  Glad its been a while since I turned the key on that particular machine.

May 2011 I went to a DMB concert in Houston and made mention to some surrounding fans that it was my first sober concert and the guy next to me gave me a high-five and said "far out man, I got out of PARC earlier today, but I'm not an alcoholic, cocaine was my thing."  Fast forward several hours and he's just about passed out drunk.

[NAVY 6,738]

Holy crap. Just realized I’m well over a hundred days. Completely lost track because of the Rona craziness.

So very grateful to be facing all this virus shit with a clear head and no booze paranoia

Last year I felt like the universe was whispering give it up. So many random hints gets you to thinking this can’t be a coincidence. Really glad I listened 

[SwanderedTalent 5,761]

16 hours ago, NAVY said:

Holy crap. Just realized I’m well over a hundred days

Well done, sailor

can you turn your avatar around to face the room, plz

[hullabelew 3,698]

20 hours ago, NAVY said:

Holy crap. Just realized I’m well over a hundred days. Completely lost track because of the Rona craziness.

Outstanding!  Let's keep it up, shall we?

 

[NAVY 6,738]

Sorry! Wife approved ass-only photo for avatar. There’s another board for potentially more. Will ponder that .vs the general surly thirst. 

Gracias and aye aye on piling on the days, weeks, months and years sauce-free. 

[Not a cat 5,615]

2 hours ago, NAVY said:

Sorry! Wife approved ass-only photo for avatar. There’s another board for potentially more. Will ponder that .vs the general surly thirst. 

Gracias and aye aye on piling on the days, weeks, months and years sauce-free. 

Sees username.  Sees avatar is wife.