I'm An Alcoholic

[BearSchlong 8252]

On 4/23/2020 at 9:49 AM, SwanderedTalent said:

Well done, sailor

can you turn your avatar around to face the room, plz

sounds like something an alcoholic would say!!

Congrats Navy!!

[ernest_t_bass 1196]

5 years today, brothers!

 

[JohnnyRage 1617]

Not to steal your thunder, 2 months!

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

2 hours ago, ernest_t_bass said:

5 years today, brothers!

 

Man, nice work. I remember it like yesterday on the shag when you quit and I lurked on this thread shitfaced every night. 

Big hug, or elbow bump, whatever. No homo. 

 

[Celery Man 21103]

3 hours ago, JohnnyRage said:

Not to steal your thunder, 2 months!

even a normal first 2 months is longer than the next 5 years.  Given that the past two months have been an entire decade even for the normies and long time sober among us - damn son, congrats!

You too Ernie.

[El Diablo 4232]

Getting 2 months under any circumstances is commendable, getting it while enduring a national nightmare is especially impressive. Keep up the hard work!

@ernest_t_bassI too remember your joining the ranks on TOS, it helped to move me towards my decision to follow suit. Thanks and keep on keeping on.

[Reagan1k 3043]

Congrats fellas!  

 

 

[BearSchlong 8252]

Congratulations to both of you!

[pch 1264]

22 years yesterday, 21 years at the same job on Sunday.  Coincidence, we think not.

[BearSchlong 8252]

What a blessing!

My sobriety date is a week after I started the job I have now. Definitely not a coincidence, 9 plus years.

[Reagan1k 3043]

One of my sponsees has decided to try some controlled drinking.  Unfortunately he came to that decision before calling me first, but I'm not sure that would have mattered.

At least he was honest with me when I called him Tuesday to check in.   He's acting pragmatic about it although I don't believe alcohol cares about good intentions or future plans.

He made no excuses.   

All I could tell him was that if he finds he can moderate and live at peace then that's great but if he decides he can't then he now knows what's available and that we are here with a solution.

If he's the real deal, I hope he can make it back and pray he doesn't do any harm to others in the interim.

[JohnnyRage 1617]

Yeah, I dislike the dismissive nature of many in AA willing to throw money at somebody and encouraging them to go find out. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if they went off and killed people. But people are going to do what they are going to do.

[Reagan1k 3043]

I took a very neutral and non-confrontational approach to the conversation.  I said nothing negative nor positive about his choice.  All I could to is affirm that AA is always there and acknowledge the fact that he might not be an alcoholic if he hasn't really discovered that to be his own truth.

I know getting preachy with him after the fact would serve no purpose.

Had he called me prior to, I would have certainly advised against it but those weren't the cards I was dealt.

As my grandmother used to say - "Those convinced against their will are of the same opinion still."

[BearSchlong 8252]

Wise woman.

 

Some people who come to AA aren't alcoholic.

 

My dad and stepmom met in AA back in 1993. Somewhere along the line she decided she wasnt alcoholic but just shifted programs to Al Anon after about 8 years sober. About once a year she and my wife have a glass of wine together, but other than that she doesnt drink. She and dad are happy as can be and hes going to have 28 years in Dec.

 

Theres a guy that someone from here (I cant remember who, it's been about 5 years) introduced me to who was sober for over 6 months, going to meetings and everything, he decided AA wasnt for him and decided to go drink. His life doesnt seem to be falling apart, at least not based on his social media. Super nice guy and seems to be doing well.

 

But let's be real, most people fall off a cliff.

 

"If I'm TRYING to control and enjoy something, I'm not controlling and enjoying it."

 

At the halfway house where I'm Treasurer, was talking to the executive director yesterday and out of 50 guys we've only had one guy take his stimulus check and relapse.

 

I laughed and said yeah I wonder how many relapses were government funded, how much of that money will end up with the cartels.

 

Ironically the shutdown has fucked up the cartels money laundering, per the LA Times. . .my sister is actually with the US DOJ and works those cases.

 

Several guys I sponsor do such a good job they really should be sponsoring me.

 

 

 

 

[TwiceHorn 32101]

9 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

Several guys I sponsor do such a good job they really should be sponsoring me.

And that's kind of the crux of it, isn't it?

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

11 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

Theres a guy that someone from here (I cant remember who, it's been about 5 years) introduced me to who was sober for over 6 months, going to meetings and everything, he decided AA wasnt for him and decided to go drink. His life doesnt seem to be falling apart, at least not based on his social media. Super nice guy and seems to be doing well.

But let's be real, most people fall off a cliff.

For me, that acceptance and belief is a tremendously important milestone in my recovery. If there were still any illusions that I could have fun drinking, or find some escape or relief from whatever's ailing me in the moment, I would probably have relapsed by now.

At the same time, the other thing I had to learn was that that knowledge is valuable but not sufficient. I need all the other shit too, the meetings and the fellowship and the reading and quiet time, the spiritual connection to my Higher Power. God give me all that stuff, and I have a pretty good chance to get through today sober. 

[ocugolf 1250]

7 months today. I’ll quit giving the monthly updates, but every time the 3rd hits and I’m still sober, it’s pretty amazing. Thanks to you all for being some inspirational. 

[Dewey 3333]

Keep it going, it keeps getting better.  For me my long stretches of chewing on a resentment keep getting shorter.  I see things quicker, when I'm starting my prideful journey to foolishness, the standing resentments as mentioned, etc. It becomes, at least for me, truly a one day at a time thing. 

Honestly was hoping to have it all licked in 30 days, but now I just enjoy the journey, it can go on for as long as it wants. 

[futureman 22715]

does anyone in austin know when meetings are starting back up again?  not zoom.  on-site meetings. 

[JohnnyRage 1617]

@futureman I'm sure there are some groups that never shut down. There are considered mental health services, and even if not, most alcoholics tend to not listen very well.

I was blessed that my home group near Dallas voted to stay open. There were a few other options for me as well.

Each group is autonomous answering to one authority reflected in the group conscience and serving one primary purpose, the alcoholic still suffering.

Edited May 10, 2020 by JohnnyRage

[futureman 22715]

thanks, rage.  so, then, does anyone in austin know of meetings that are open? 

[TwiceHorn 32101]

I assume you are familiar with Austin Intergroup? https://austinaa.org/

May have to dig around some, but it might identify open, live meetings.  If so and it's no help, well, fuck me.

[futureman 22715]

yes, very familiar.  pretty much all the listed meetings have a zoom link.  I’ve driven by a couple clubhouses in the last week at regular meeting times and they are still empty. 

[TwiceHorn 32101]

Fuck me then.

[gasman 114]

I'm not in Austin, but there is an app called Meeting Guide. It will geolocate all meetings close to your phone (address, time etc). The meetings up here have a line though them if they are closed right now and no line means they are open and meeting during COVID-19. I don't know if Austin is the same, but worth a try. As an aside, it's a great app for travel and finding a meeting close by. Tap the meeting and you can pull up directions to the room.

Edited May 10, 2020 by gasman

[futureman 22715]

 

these are the only meetings today that aren’t showing as suspended or online.  anyone in austin familiar with these meetings and know if they are open?  I’ll drive by cherrywood later and check it out.  I doubt they’d have a meeting open right now at a hospital, even if it is the looney bin. 

[Reagan1k 3043]

lots of people are gathering in groups of 3-6 and having impromptu meetings on back porches at someone’s house.  

[Celery Man 21103]

I haven’t checked the 38.5 street address but I went to a meeting at the big... former loony bin? there once a long time ago and it was I think good. My recollection was youngish and a bit bedraggled but not super rough. I have no idea if that is a good impression overall or if it is even relevant to that meeting, and years have passed. I think it was a little hard to find.

 

*edit* didn’t even notice that you used the looney bin term there, haha

[El Diablo 4232]

I think it was during my second stint in a VA recovery setting that one of the counselors made it clear that we were in fact on the mental ward wing of the hospital. Just in case there was any doubt in any of us. 

[Kennythetiger 9653]

13 hours ago, Reagan1k said:

lots of people are gathering in groups of 3-6 and having impromptu meetings on back porches at someone’s house.  

We got kicked out of our regular meeting place, then we met in a church for a couple of weeks.  Got kicked out of there, too.  Now we meet in the back room of my office.  Might get covid- might not.  Might die of covid- might not.  Know with 100% certainty what happens if sobriety gets lost in the mess.

[BearSchlong 8252]

PSA - the never ending zoom meeting.

Anytime of the day, somewhere in the world someone has taken the torch and is hosting/being the secretary of this meeting.  The ultimate marathon meeting, I've heard good stuff from every corner of the globe. . .heavy UK attendance in the afternoon, when I'm most often on there.

 

[BearSchlong 8252]

Also our 12pm noon Tuesday/Thursday Beaumont Downtown meeting (St. Marks Episcopal Church) group is going strong, very good meeting with lots of sobriety.

As always, y'all is invited.  It's on Zoom.

 

Edited May 11, 2020 by BearSchlong

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

Two years sober today. If this program can work for me, it can work for anyone, and if the shit that's gone down the past 12 weeks (not even COVID related, directly, I mean I'm getting a bunch of the middle-aged-man curveballs all in one at bat) didn't make me drink, I like my chances going forward. 

[Not a cat 5819]

23 minutes ago, SwanderedTalent said:

Two years sober today. If this program can work for me, it can work for anyone, and if the shit that's gone down the past 12 weeks (not even COVID related, directly, I mean I'm getting a bunch of the middle-aged-man curveballs all in one at bat) didn't make me drink, I like my chances going forward. 

You got fat, bald and impotent all in the past 12 weeks?  That's a shitty quarter right there.

Also, congrats on your anniversary.

Edited May 12, 2020 by Not a cat

[pch 1264]

On 5/12/2020 at 1:22 PM, SwanderedTalent said:

Two years sober today. If this program can work for me, it can work for anyone, and if the shit that's gone down the past 12 weeks (not even COVID related, directly, I mean I'm getting a bunch of the middle-aged-man curveballs all in one at bat) didn't make me drink, I like my chances going forward. 

Congratulations on your two years.  Stay with it-the miracles yet to come are well worth it, to say nothing of the feeling of peace and serenity you will experience as each day without alcohol passes.

[hullabelew 3730]

On 5/12/2020 at 2:22 PM, SwanderedTalent said:

Two years sober today. If this program can work for me, it can work for anyone, and if the shit that's gone down the past 12 weeks (not even COVID related, directly, I mean I'm getting a bunch of the middle-aged-man curveballs all in one at bat) didn't make me drink, I like my chances going forward. 

My one year was May 8.  Since you are fresh off yr two, what are some things that were harder in the second year?  

[TwiceHorn 32101]

3 minutes ago, hullabelew said:

My one year was May 8.  Since you are fresh off yr two, what are some things that were harder in the second year?  

I'll mention one thing that becomes more prominent with lengthier sobriety.  You tend to struggle less with the drinking urge, but you also begin to understand the program more deeply and why it works and kind of "what's wrong with you."  The notion that you were "at war with the world" makes more sense and you see how it was true and better how not to "contend with the world" as James Lee Burke puts it through Dave Robicheaux.

Why I drank like an absolute idiot remains kind of mysterious and due to the inexplicable allergy of the body.  But the insanity and obsession of the mind with things other than drink makes more sense with every passing year.

[Jerry Callo 8968]

17 hours ago, pch said:

Congratulations on your two years.  Stay with it-the miracles yet to come are well worth it, to say nothing of the feeling of peace and serenity you will experience as each day without alcohol passes.

This in a nutshell.

[Nicole44 22326]

Been sober since January 27. My posts may not seem like it. Haven’t felt like sharing. I think for me it’s more cathartic to just post about random shit . January 27.  I spent the last two years plus in the most mentally emotionally abusive relationship. Yep I drank. I can say after my miscarriage it was to cope. I can say I mentally gave up. That was easy. The real shit of it is I never felt like I was worth it. If I could take back anything it was that day. 

[Dewey 3333]

Second year guy here

I've stopped fighting myself so much, used to tell myself to let things go, "just let go", "let it go", but I never could. Not my ex wife, not my job, not someone taking "my" parking spot, everything would piss me off, but what really pissed me off was being angry. Angry about being angry as they say. Somewhere along the line I stop a lot of it, definitely my spiritual side coming alive. It feels so much better to be able to let go of the big things, of the small things, everything.  And it's not with indifference, I dont think. Still love my ex, wish her well, I'm all good. Work is good, no matter how many hammers they throw at me, and I'll walk a bit further is some asshole takes my spot

things I've studied,  read over and over again and thought no way, Gandhi describing how a person can transmute their anger into a power that can change the world, bullshit, but I can sense where he was going with it. MLK Jr, that no matter what happened, happens, we must forgive, and his thoughts on fear... that's the stuff that moves a person.

tldr, glad I got sober, glad I found a healthy path and stuck with it. It was hell on earth to start, suicidal,  but not anymore.  I know I'll have my downs, but I also know they dont last, that an up is right around the corner. Keep picking yourself up, all of you. 

Edited May 15, 2020 by Dewey

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

22 hours ago, hullabelew said:

My one year was May 8.  Since you are fresh off yr two, what are some things that were harder in the second year?  

I took four days off this week, so naturally I'm way more busy than usual and couldn't get to this until today. Going to be rigorously honest about this: the second year was harder than the first. The scar tissue is still fresh the first year, so you're more conscientious of working towards and preserving your serenity. There's no "I got this" when you're six months out of rehab and feel like you had lived your life down to a pencil point; at least, there wasn't for me. Once you get comfortable-- complacent, even-- it's easier for a few days of "I am not some newbie who needs meetings every day" to turn into "I haven't been to a meeting in six days and I'm snapping at my wife and taking things at work personally". 

I found it a lot easier to stay on the "one day at a time" track in year one. I do a lot more looking back in year two, and I do a lot more futurecasting, worrying about stuff I can't control. 

Everything can also be an exciting new challenge in that first year. It wasn't the first time I tried to get sober, but it was the first time I put my entire life on hold for thirty days and tried to do it totally right. In the second year, I'm not finding a lot of exciting stuff to tackle. I thought my energy and happiness would just keep going up (and maybe they'll start again at some point) but I feel like most stuff has plateaued and the days are just kind of bleeding together.

Some of this is the COVID world. But some of it is my age (45) and just being sort of tired of stuff that was integral to my life fifteen years ago without an equal amount of stuff to replace it. I know what the program answer is, more service work but that's the only real downside of AA where I am: we don't get many newcomers and even when there are in-person AA meetings, there is a backlog of people helping with service (e.g., you sign up for something and get there thirty minutes early and three people have already combined to do the thing). 

Ultimately, I still have faith in the program because the more I do of it, the better I feel. And I know, the same way I wouldn't touch a hot stove, that things might get better tomorrow if I stay sober but can/will only get worse if I drink, and that keeps me coming back. I also see people with six, eight, twenty years of sobriety and that helps remind me better days are possible. 

[hullabelew 3730]

Thanks Dewey, Twice and Talent:    I'm learning that there is a lot of stuff with my wife that being sober probably isn't going to fix.  I'm going to have a pretty big decision this year about that.  I'm still dealing with the stuff I have learned about myself this past year...how I am the way I am.  One thing mentioned above is taking things personally. Stuff at work and shit my wife says to me.   Not so much what she says, but how she says it.  It all has a long, historical basis, and I know that now.  

Anyway, I really appreciate your input.  

[Dewey 3333]

Well, dont beat yourself up over what you have learned about yourself,  we're all fallible, every single person. Work on improving yourself, every person has the right to hit the reset button and change who they are. If you're a person who sticks to dogmas ("that's just who I am!") you're doing it wrong. I'd argue we all change from one day to the next, never the same as we were the day before. Tiny changes, sometimes big changes... So who's to say we cant make an effort to change for the best? That's what this is all about anyway, you dont stop drinking, drugging, whatever it was and stay the same, you'll go back to fucking up! So change.

All that to say steps 6 and 7 are huge, for.me and I think others. Drop the Rock is a tremendous book on the subject. 

Edited May 15, 2020 by Dewey

[El Diablo 4232]

6 hours ago, SwanderedTalent said:

 

I feel like most stuff has plateaued and the days are just kind of bleeding together.

 

This is not a bad place to be. Waking up sober, muddling thru a day. Get some exercise maybe, watch the sunset. Hug your kids if they're around, talk to them if they're not. Reach out to someone just because. Be a decent person. That's all I want these days and most days I am a decent person. After a lot of years of being a complete shithead, lol... this plateau and days bleeding together is a nice break.

[Celery Man 21103]

Sorry to hear that hulla - hope y’all work out whatever is right for y’all.

One thing I was thinking about earlier as I was avoiding going to sleep - a difference between myself now and between myself then is that I’m perfectly able to have emotions and not have them be at someone, or be someone’s fault.

I was writing up a thing on how that’s been going on lately, but just.. lots of covid and non covid related anxiety and instability at work. It’s a lot easier to work through emotions if understand them as how I feel and not as a thing that someone else did to me that needs to be made right.

[Reagan1k 3043]

@SwanderedTalent  the old speaker Tom Brady Jr. talks about hitting “menopause” in recovery.  It’s a real thing.  The only thing I know that alleviates it is getting out of self, working with others, prayer and meditation.  Anything to get out of self....even volunteering time and talent outside of the program can help.  
 

This too shall pass and we can’t control the thoughts that pop in to our heads but we are responsible for what action we take with those thoughts. 
 

It’s cliche but those ring more true the longer I stay sober. 

[Celery Man 21103]

How are y'all doing? Staying sane?

I feel like I'm in a bit of a middle ground. On the one hand I'm fine, things are good, I have what I need. But it's a weird state where time is completely fuzzy and there is so much that is happening that is outside of my control. It doesn't create the spiral that it might have in the long ago, but it's a weird space to be in.

I picked up knitting at the beginning of the lockdown stuff. It's something that is engaging but not overly active, I can do it when watching movies, I can focus and control what's happening, I can improve iteratively, it is creative but not without rules/boundaries/a framework. I enjoy it but also this beginning of lockdown/current state of lockdown I think is a bit of a "I'm going slightly crazy but it is alright."

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

If you want to know how serious alcoholism is, an example is a man putting his knitting hobby on the alcoholic thread of shaggy with impunity from ridicule.  But joking aside, that's a pretty cool hobby. I don't know if I have the patience for it.

I hit 2 years a couple weeks ago and just moved from Texas back to Iowa where I'm originally from and all my family and friends still are. It feels more right than anything I've ever done in life. I've been  gone 20 years, for really no other reason than I was running away to get drunk by myself. For 2 decades. But it's always been home here. I've just always done things the hard way. But I made it back and feel like I'm just starting life at 43 and I feel good about that. I finally love myself and realize how much the people in my life care, and always have. I just didn't know how to see it.

@hullabelew I've had a different experience than @SwanderedTalent with year 2 compared to  year 1. Obviously it's an ever changing journey and everyone is different,  but to me, year 2 is really when I  started gaining confidence that life really can be this good forever without the bottle. Not because I missed drinking and simply thought I could get by without it, but because everything was better without it. Significantly. Once I  realized it wasn't a temporary state of happiness and contentment and that this feeling is real for as long as I want it, I realized I had made life difficult.  LIfe didn't do anything to me. 

 

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

On 5/23/2020 at 11:33 AM, BBQ2Bayou said:

but to me, year 2 is really when I  started gaining confidence that life really can be this good forever without the bottle. Not because I missed drinking and simply thought I could get by without it, but because everything was better without it. Significantly. Once I  realized it wasn't a temporary state of happiness and contentment and that this feeling is real for as long as I want it, I realized I had made life difficult.  LIfe didn't do anything to me. 

I find it interesting that we've had different experiences in Year 2 and I wonder if the bold is part of the reason why. I knew that part years before I could stay sober for any real length of time, but it didn't do me any real good. I haven't gained any additional confidence in that regard; I already knew how much better my life was when sober.

The last half-dozen relapses were almost 100% "I am in the mood to express my pain outwardly and hopefully hurt some people", almost 0% "this will feel good/be fun/be a relief/help escape". Really sick. My thinking is still pretty sick, because there are times when that 100% sounds like a pretty good response to things and if I substitute the phrase "I should put a gun in my mouth" in place of "maybe I should give up and get drunk", it really emphasizes what an insane overreaction it is. 

[Celery Man 21103]

I don't know that I ever got to a state where I didn't give a fuck about other people - really that was a thing that was a major "problem" of mine, feeling the need to stay alive because I couldn't quite get the balls to drive full speed off a cliff or figure out some other way to maybe die without letting people know what was up. Certainly not bragging about not feeling that or whatever - it doesn't matter. I can certainly identify with the feeling of.... "i'm diving head first into alcoholism because it is an expression of how i feel" type of thing. It's subtle or interesting how alcohol is the good times thing and then the crutch and kinda... at least for me by the time I realized I AM DEFINITELY AN ALCOHOLIC AND I MAY NEVER BE ABLE TO STOP it had already gotten me close to the "i don't care about my life anymore so this is what I will do" state.

I've talked about this before - I think that I was really malleable and missing probably 10-15 points of IQ for ~the first year of sobriety. Not sure how much of that is post alcohol withdrawal syndrome and how much of it is related to... having gone through a manic/psychotic state and pumped full of drugs and been in a coma for a month or however long. There was definitely something wrong because my memory for that first year is way more faded than it should be. But I think that put me in a good state for shutting up and doing what I was told and then kinda ramping back up to being my old self as the new rhythms and patterns got more hard coded. I don't remember year 1 well but I think it was pretty linear improvement/things getting easier as time passed. It does happen that it's a challenge, or really life continues to be a challenge because that is life and then every now and then there's a surprising sharp craving/"I could easily just do this" feeling. Happened most recently at HEB seeing... 512 IPA in bottles for sale.