I'm An Alcoholic

[El Diablo 4232]

Jesus was real, he just wasn't Catholic. Hard for some to comprehend, given our upbringing and all. Though those of us who realize this think he'd probably want to convert if he had the chance.  

[TwiceHorn 31464]

1 hour ago, Shoxthemonkey said:

I asked all of you questions at the old site about a golf buddy of mine that was an alcoholic. He didn't show up today but we thought nothing of it because it is Fathers Day. Well, he never woke up this morning. 3 and a half years sober and played alongside the rest of us that were never without a beer and kept his sobriety. He had a hell of a rough life, a motorcycle wreck left him brain injured as a young man, but he became a house painter and roofer and made a good life for his family. We talked a couple weeks ago about his sobriety and I told him I was proud of him. Really glad I took the opportunity to tell him that. RIP Dave. I'll miss you.

Sorry for your loss.  Glad he went out sober.

[JohnnyRage 1617]

I remember being at an 11 PM lambda candlelight meeting early in my sobriety. A not too old haggard gentlemen with under a year spoke of being disabled and terminal and how it was his goal to go out sober. Powerful. 

Edited June 18, 2018 by JohnnyRage

[Dertyberd 394]

On 6/17/2018 at 7:16 PM, JohnnyRage said:

I remember being at an 11 PM lambda candlelight meeting early in my sobriety. A not too old haggard gentlemen with under a year spoke of being disabled and terminal and how it was his goal to go out sober. Powerful. 

There's a gentleman in my home group who's been sober since '73.  A massive stroke some years ago left him with serious speech problems and the right side of his body is fucked, barely gets around on a cane.  It's damn inspiring to see a guy at every meeting that lives with that shit yet wants to keep his mind clear and spirit fit.  My self pity is so overwhelming when I say the wrong thing at a social setting/work when I'm not working a good program.   When I'm spiritually fit, I could shart myself at a wedding and not a fuck would be given for more than 5 minutes.  

5 months today and I'm grateful as hell.  Thank you to all of you guys out there working with others and saving lives.  I'm one of the lucky ones that was shown a different way of life.  Cheers to you and much love.    

[Reagan1k 3024]

Great news on your 5 months.

Guys like you describe are so inspiring and meeting / learning from folks like that certainly keeps me right-sized and into gratitude.

Sober men and women who have walked through tragedy with grace and dignity are a model for all of us - to keep spiritually fit as you say and to allow god to keep working in our lives instead of us trying to grab the reins of control at exactly the worst moment.

I heard the old line said when I was new and it always stuck with me - There's nothing good in my life that will be made better with a drink, and there is nothing so bad in my life that a drink can't make it worse.

 

 

 

[TwiceHorn 31464]

23 minutes ago, Reagan1k said:

Great news on your 5 months.

Guys like you describe are so inspiring and meeting / learning from folks like that certainly keeps me right-sized and into gratitude.

Sober men and women who have walked through tragedy with grace and dignity are a model for all of us - to keep spiritually fit as you say and to allow god to keep working in our lives instead of us trying to grab the reins of control at exactly the worst moment.

I heard the old line said when I was new and it always stuck with me - There's nothing good in my life that will be made better with a drink, and there is nothing so bad in my life that a drink can't make it worse.

 

 

 

That last is such a good line dealing with newbs.  They pour out a tale of sorrow and woe, you say "wow, sorry man, that sucks  . . . is drinking going to make it better?"  Kind of one of those psychological tricks that isn't exactly book-based, but can be mighty helpful, like "play that tape to the end," in the short term.

Edited June 25, 2018 by TwiceHorn

[El Diablo 4232]

1 hour ago, TwiceHorn said:

That last is such a good line dealing with newbs.  They pour out a tale of sorrow and woe, you say "wow, sorry man, that sucks  . . . is drinking going to make it better?"  Kind of one of those psychological tricks that isn't exactly book-based, but can be mighty helpful, like "play that tape to the end," in the short term.

Yeah, I don't know about that. You're counting on a noob being able to be honest there.  

[JohnnyRage 1617]

I hope Heather Locklear finally gets it. I'm sure at some point she was my #1. Arrested yet again for assaulting first responders.

https://www.cnn.com/2018/06/25/entertainment/heather-locklear-arrested/index.html

[Dertyberd 394]

7 months ago today I was sitting in a "detox" against my will with a bunch of certifiable crazies.  I was momentarily certifiable myself, it was ugly, I just didn't have the scars on my wrists to prove it.  Alcohol is a cunning, baffling, and powerful motherfucker to say the least.  I didn't get sober when I got out, but it was certainly almost bottom.  I had to get myself fired a month later to finally give it up.  You don't have to go through the hell I did to get out of it.  I'm just strong willed and had to completely burn it all down.  This wasn't my first rodeo.  I knew that my drinking days were coming to an end.  Thank God I made it out alive without doing and serious harm to others.  

I know holidays can be hard for the lonely, depressed, and hopeless.  When I was at the end of my drinking I didn't get a lot of invites to do things and I was alone.  I had plenty of friends and was fun to be around, until I wasn't.  My thoughts were dark, life sucked and I isolated.  If you're out there and reading this, it can and will get better if you do something different.  The only thing scarier than making a change in my life was living with alone with my thoughts and the possibility of harming someone else.  There is a different way to live and life gets better no matter how crazy that sounds.  You're loved and there are a lot of people out there who've done what you have, some of us worse.  Keep the faith, take some action to change when the thought occurs, and don't let that evil motherfucker win.  

[TwiceHorn 31464]

Preach. That's good stuff. Glad you made it. 

 

Funny that you mention other people have gone through worse. I suppose that it's a tool for dealing with "terminal uniqueness," but I find frequently that it is comforting and right-sizing to remind myself that other people have experienced similar tribulations and worse and emerged ok. 

Edited July 4, 2018 by TwiceHorn

[Sparky 149]

Damn good post, Derty.  Glad you’re here.  It’s a great day to be sober.

[Celery Man 20947]

I went with a buddy to visit an acquaintance of his in the hospital after a heroin relapse.  He had been sober, relapsed, gotten dry sitting in a tent in the woods, and was in the hospital dealing with some of his residual health problems (one of his arms was swollen real badly).  Nice talk, it's funny how easy it is to talk with someone else who's struggling with the same/similar thing you struggled with.  He got discharged and I guess went back out and died last week.  He seemed to be in a pretty good place when I talked to him and was with a girlfriend when he was discharged.  It's a bummer.

[TwiceHorn 31464]

1 hour ago, Celery Man said:

I went with a buddy to visit an acquaintance of his in the hospital after a heroin relapse.  He had been sober, relapsed, gotten dry sitting in a tent in the woods, and was in the hospital dealing with some of his residual health problems (one of his arms was swollen real badly).  Nice talk, it's funny how easy it is to talk with someone else who's struggling with the same/similar thing you struggled with.  He got discharged and I guess went back out and died last week.  He seemed to be in a pretty good place when I talked to him and was with a girlfriend when he was discharged.  It's a bummer.

Sorry for your loss. I have very little experience with heroin addicts, but it seems to get a real hold on people that can be extra hard to get past. Even once past the withdrawal. 

[troph 24791]

Sorry for your loss. I have very little experience with heroin addicts, but it seems to get a real hold on people that can be extra hard to get past. Even once past the withdrawal. 

My step brother in law is in recovery for the big H and he’s doing well years and years later. I don’t see him much anymore but did the other day he was visiting my ex and we were trading the kids back and forth. He’s one of the most amazing people I’ve ever known. Full of life, always making motorized shit with motorcycles and four wheelers and shit. He’s always got a funny story and he’s now a suck the marrow out of the bone type of guy. We stay in touch on fb and I don’t take a day with him for granted. But holy mother fucker if I don’t love him about as much as anyone I know.

 

Edit - and I just checked fb for whatever and there he is with a video riding the hood streets on an ATV as the streets fill with water.

 

 

The guy is missing something but he’s married and doing well and is a mental health professional holding a job for years on end. Maybe he’s missing the bad and has the good.

 

[Celery Man 20947]

I got a bit bolder after my bottom and recovery. Bolder may not be the right term, but less anxious about rolling the dice, taking risks. Not riding a skidoo in the streets, but making a snap decision on a house, putting my name in for a job I didn’t know I’d be able to do, stuff like that. Not because I’m confident that it will work but because I’m confident that my life isn’t to be clutched tightly or overly fretted about because I could die whenever and I almost did. I need to get some of that back, it’s a much better way to be. Obviously not in regards to drinking, which is to kill my ability to live.

[TwiceHorn 31464]

6 minutes ago, Celery Man said:

I got a bit bolder after my bottom and recovery. Bolder may not be the right term, but less anxious about rolling the dice, taking risks. Not riding a skidoo in the streets, but making a snap decision on a house, putting my name in for a job I didn’t know I’d be able to do, stuff like that. Not because I’m confident that it will work but because I’m confident that my life isn’t to be clutched tightly or overly fretted about because I could die whenever and I almost did. I need to get some of that back, it’s a much better way to be. Obviously not in regards to drinking, which is to kill my ability to live.

Cool.  I'm still pretty uptight about things, but don't let myself get in a complete dither about much anymore.

[TwiceHorn 31464]

5 hours ago, troph said:

My step brother in law is in recovery for the big H and he’s doing well years and years later. I don’t see him much anymore but did the other day he was visiting my ex and we were trading the kids back and forth. He’s one of the most amazing people I’ve ever known. Full of life, always making motorized shit with motorcycles and four wheelers and shit. He’s always got a funny story and he’s now a suck the marrow out of the bone type of guy. We stay in touch on fb and I don’t take a day with him for granted. But holy mother fucker if I don’t love him about as much as anyone I know.

 

Edit - and I just checked fb for whatever and there he is with a video riding the hood streets on an ATV as the streets fill with water.

 

 

The guy is missing something but he’s married and doing well and is a mental health professional holding a job for years on end. Maybe he’s missing the bad and has the good.

 

Love to see stories like that.

 

I do have a bit of a wonder (not suggesting it applies to him) whether the apparently horrific withdrawal from heroin creates a lot of physical addicts that are in just as much danger of overdose, etc. as the full-blown, psychological addict, but once they make it past the withdrawal and the cravings that apparently remain for a while, they might be ok without a major life/thought shift like some of us.  This wonder has been provoked by the opioid crisis (it puzzles me that there are apparently hundreds or thousands of nascent addicts, geographically concentrated, just waiting for their drug of choice to be unleashed on them).  Did he use suboxone/methadone, if you know?

 

The one thing I do have a bit of experience with is meth (spillover from NA meetings) and it seems to have a pretty persistent and nasty withdrawal/craving stage, but the most striking thing about it is that if you meet someone that uses meth, they probably have a number of close relatives, friends, coworkers, or neighbors that use/abuse it as well, and this includes some fairly middle class folks (including some fairly well to do gay folks), not just toothless hillbillies in Arkansas or Oklahoma or whereever.  Granted, it's hard to find a substance that is as ubiquitous as alcohol, but most meth users are addicts so it can be really hard for them to change their playmates and playgrounds.  Being around drinkers that aren't alcoholics and aren't threatened by your sobriety is one thing, but having to go home to a bunch of other addicts is another.

Edited July 5, 2018 by TwiceHorn

[troph 24791]

I don’t know what he does to stay clean. I don’t know if he goes to meetings, and that’s not because he wouldn’t tell me but mostly bc we aren’t that close anymore. I know initially he was in meetings all the time, I know he was in traditional therapy too. I know he wasn’t dogmatic about drinking re his addiction but I don’t know where he landed on having a beer after mowing the lawn, etc.

 

As for how, got sucked up in the Plano teenage heroin epedmic back in the early 2000s I think it was. Dangerous elixir of anxiety, addictive personality, boredom and access. Rehab twice, friends OD’d, etc. He won’t talk about it all but there was bad shit all around. Dealers, law enforcement, hospital visits, death, you name it. Reminds me a bit of Iraq or Afghanistan Vets who saw action but instead of human enemies it was the drug that tried to kill him.

 

Interestingly enough, his first gig as a social worker was with the children of meth addicts in north east Texas and south east Oklahoma (near Paris, Texas). The stories of high as a kite folks were constant. The most shocking was a toothless man fucking a dog in the front yard for the whole world, including his kids, to see. I always wondered how that wasn’t that guy’s rock bottom y’all talk about.

 

 

 

[Dewey 3286]

I guess with it being July 4th week, one of mine went out and is back in line for treatment. Another I was in rehab with called and hes losing his mind. My sponsor called.me a couple days ago about getting a friend of his into treatment, they apparently dropped the guy off and when my sponsor wondered about the place (bad vibes), he called.me.and I reassured him that that place was terrible, so he turned around, got the guy and took him to the center where I got clean.

Everyone hold it down, stay clean and believe things will get better, because they do.

[El Diablo 4232]

3 hours ago, OatmealRaisinCookie said:

Man, I've had too much experience with being around heroin addiction-- I've helped two friends get through withdrawal and it's heart-breaking. Especially knowing there is a better than good chance it's in vain. I've got one friend I used to watch shoot up with fascination...and that was like 16 years ago. He's still at it, just as hot and heavy as ever, and has spent more years alive in an addict's life than not.

Anyways, one of my prayers, to some of the points above, is for fearlessness. And I truly believe when you are in the right place and putting your faith into your higher power and eliminating your ego, you will have that fearlessness. Just like anything else worth doing or having in life in that it's easier said than done.

One of the worst things about heroin and even moreso its pharmaceutical cousins is that if an addict has a steady supply of consistent quality product they can in large part appear as normal as anyone. Evil, insidious stuff.

[BearSchlong 8093]

Went to the Three Legacies meeting last night on St. Charles in New Orleans. Very good meeting, about 200 people. One of those meetings where when you walk in they give you a numbered ticket if you want to share, and pull the numbers out of a basket, raffle style.

Of course when I told them I was a visitor from Texas we quickly established mutual friends in the program and now I've got some AA friends in NOLA.

So dinner at Shaya and a really enjoyable meeting. My how my trips over here have changed! Been a few years since I woke up on a sidewalk next to the Superdome in a blackout.

[Caver60 395]

My wife and I agreed the other day that I should take the month off from drinking. She didn't push on me, she didn't really have to. I've been a regular drinker for ten years or more. Anywhere between six to ten drinks, almost every day, through one marriage and divorce and now into another. I started during my first marriage mainly out of boredom, but I've kept it going straight into this marriage as well. I hide it. Most of the time I have 3-4 drinks after work or on my way home so that it looks to my wife like I only have 3 or 4 drinks nightly. And yeah, I know this is stupid, dangerous behavior.

I've never "bottomed out" like I see a lot of you guys on here talking about. But it is taking a toll on my life. I feel shitty until lunchtime every day, and I never get anything done until the afternoon or evening. I'm blessed (cursed?) with a job that has let me get away with that. I know that it has hurt both marriages. I tend to be more interested in drinking than sex, most nights. That's just an example, but I know that it stands to reason that I'm not fully plugged into my life when I'm 8 drinks in.

So having had this little talk with my wife, I didn't drink last night. First night in awhile. From experience, I knew going in that I wouldn't sleep well, if at all. I told her that would probably happen, and it damn sure did. I'm super tired today. On the plus side, I don't feel like crap in addition to being tired like I usually do.

I wonder what this is going to be like and how long I will keep it going. I know the deal (at least I think I do). I LIKE feeling a little warm and foggy after a few drinks. I enjoy having a glass of wine while cooking and eating dinner. But then I have a hard time cutting it off, and it becomes the whole bottle. And then a couple of beers. And maybe tipping back a bottle for a few swigs between beers. And then I get up in the morning, and I look around and wonder how I had the gumption to turn off the lamp beside my bed, because I can't remember doing that at all. Because I like drinking, I know it'll be hard to kick.

I wonder if I will be able to get to a point where NOT drinking will be the norm, but where I will still be able to enjoy drinking from time to time on the right occasion. I don't have the "off" switch. I wonder if my wife will help me with that. I don't really want her to. And it doesn't really matter I suppose, because I've developed this habit of hiding it from her and I know how easy it is. She has a lot of grace about her. She knows that I drink a lot and she's not up my ass about it. But she will be one day if I keep this up.

Anyway, I'm gonna give this a shot for awhile and see what happens. I've got my goal on one month right now. I hope the whole sleeping thing gets a little better, because last night sucked.

Edited July 17, 2018 by Caver60

[Dewey 3286]

Your wife knows you drink more than you try to.let on, your coworkers most likely know more about your drinking than you think. It's a good break, dont give up when you get frustrated with the process. Work on the mental side of things, I made.my goal to find peace of mind, that's all I wanted and now have. Willingness and surrender. Willing to think different, to change your perspective and surrender, to say drinking is a problem and it will only get worse, as alcoholism is a progressive disease.

Do more than just abstain from alcohol

[gasman 114]

My wife and I agreed the other day that I should take the month off from drinking. She didn't push on me, she didn't really have to. I've been a regular drinker for ten years or more. Anywhere between six to ten drinks, almost every day, through one marriage and divorce and now into another. I started during my first marriage mainly out of boredom, but I've kept it going straight into this marriage as well. I hide it. Most of the time I have 3-4 drinks after work or on my way home so that it looks to my wife like I only have 3 or 4 drinks nightly. And yeah, I know this is stupid, dangerous behavior.
I've never "bottomed out" like I see a lot of you guys on here talking about. But it is taking a toll on my life. I feel shitty until lunchtime every day, and I never get anything done until the afternoon or evening. I'm blessed (cursed?) with a job that has let me get away with that. I know that it has hurt both marriages. I tend to be more interested in drinking than sex, most nights. That's just an example, but I know that it stands to reason that I'm not fully plugged into my life when I'm 8 drinks in.
So having had this little talk with my wife, I didn't drink last night. First night in awhile. From experience, I knew going in that I wouldn't sleep well, if at all. I told her that would probably happen, and it damn sure did. I'm super tired today. On the plus side, I don't feel like crap in addition to being tired like I usually do.
I wonder what this is going to be like and how long I will keep it going. I know the deal (at least I think I do). I LIKE feeling a little warm and foggy after a few drinks. I enjoy having a glass of wine while cooking and eating dinner. But then I have a hard time cutting it off, and it becomes the whole bottle. And then a couple of beers. And maybe tipping back a bottle for a few swigs between beers. And then I get up in the morning, and I look around and wonder how I had the gumption to turn off the lamp beside my bed, because I can't remember doing that at all. Because I like drinking, I know it'll be hard to kick.
I wonder if I will be able to get to a point where NOT drinking will be the norm, but where I will still be able to enjoy drinking from time to time on the right occasion. I don't have the "off" switch. I wonder if my wife will help me with that. I don't really want her to. And it doesn't really matter I suppose, because I've developed this habit of hiding it from her and I know how easy it is. She has a lot of grace about her. She knows that I drink a lot and she's not up my ass about it. But she will be one day if I keep this up.
Anyway, I'm gonna give this a shot for awhile and see what happens. I've got my goal on one month right now. I hope the whole sleeping thing gets a little better, because last night sucked.

Your experience sounds a lot like mine. My rock bottom may not be as low as some in here, but it was low enough for me. Once I started drinking, my “off switch” was non existent. My wife also had “the talk” with me which was a true eye opener. I remain tremendously grateful to her that she had the courage to speak up. I took a few breaks and found out I always ended up where I left off.
Along with what Dewey said, as you take a break, consider downloading a copy of the AA Big Book. The Doctors Opinion is a good starting point. See if you happen to relate to any of it. Good luck and keep us posted.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Kennythetiger 9381]

Good luck, man.  You won't sleep well for a week or so, but it'll get better.  Like Dewey said, everyone knows more than you think they do.  After you quit for a while, you'll be around someone who is drinking at that time, or who drank the night before, and it'll hit you like a freight train- "Jesus, I STANK!!".  For a while, you might be Mack Brown scared-to-death about imagining events without booze- I still remember the first sober concert I attended and thinking before, "There's no way this concert will be any fun without a buzz."  The first college football season thinking, "Game's at 11:00 a.m.- how can I do this without a white russian?".  And then you do those things, you don't die, and you even have fun.  It'll take some balls during this 30 days to make that first denial of a drink when offered one, but you'll get used to it.  So will your friends.  And your wife.  

Like Dewey also said, don't just not drink.  I loved the old thread (R.I.P. Shaggy).  I thought there was some tremendous life advice, whether people were pigs like us or normal folks.  And as you near your 30 days, maybe on Day 27 or 28, run the idea through your mind of another 30.  See what you think.  

[TwiceHorn 31464]

And, it hasn't been said, but, you may not need AA.  The acid test will be whether you can maintain your 30 days, or longer as you see fit, without drinking and without coming out of your skin.  If you can stay stopped long term, you are probably good.  The rest of us reached a desperate place where we didn't want to drink, but we couldn't handle being sober, either.  As far as I know, AA is the only cure for that.

 

Regardless, better days are ahead, more than likely.

[El Diablo 4232]

Good to see the thread bumped, I've been meaning to post some mindless drivel so this is as good of an occasion as any. I was out at the community pool, I guess it was last weekend? Anyway, there was a family group out there and dad was getting ready to fire up the grill. They had all the fixings for a hamburger party it looked like. I hear him hollering at the wife asking where the beer salt is. Did this a couple of times. Something about hearing that took me back to my younger days, and how every.single.thing. became a drinking occasion.

One of the first jobs I had out of high school was as a "lumper" working for a moving company that ran 5 states. I'd be gone 3 or 4 nights, maybe weekends too and whenever I'd get back into town I'd ring up some buddies and get the drinking going.

Then I was in the Navy and hitting port meant it was time to tie one on. After I got out, payday meant it was time to get drunk. Saturdays? That's the weekend bro, it was time to get drunk. Sundays? Last day before the workweek starts, better get drunk before Monday rolls around!

Even after I got married and "settled down" and was doing adult things everything revolved around the booze. Invite some friends over, get drunk. Have a cookout, get drunk. Replace the brakes on the truck, get drunk. Eventually it got to where any social event that required my attendance had to be planned with my getting drunk. Not by anyone else, I mean by me. We're going to a recital? Okay, let me figure out what I need to do to get my intake for the day. Post recital? Pre recital?

At the end there simply was no illusion or even an attempt at "normalizing" my drinking. I had simply checked out. "Hey Diablo, want to come over? Poker party!" - Nope. I'll just stay here and drink. Etc...

Anyway, just thought I'd throw this out there while it was on my mind. Maybe a lurker can relate a bit and see themselves heading down a similar path. Might be some motivation to get off the train before it passes the last stop. Shit got OLD, man. Really fucking old.

[JohnnyRage 1617]

I disagree with Twice a little bit. Staying dry for a prolonged period of time doesn't prove that much. I think it's much simpler.

Cravings + Mental Obsession.

Cravings, the first drink is never enough and thus too much. Therefore, it is a healthier rational choice to avoid alcohol.

Mental Obsession, so what did you do about this little problem/bender/consequence that you are describing?

"I did it fucking all over AGAIN."

 

 

[JohnnyRage 1617]

Being an 'alcoholic' is the healthiest thing that has ever happened to me.

[TwiceHorn 31464]

1 hour ago, JohnnyRage said:

I disagree with Twice a little bit. Staying dry for a prolonged period of time doesn't prove that much. I think it's much simpler.

Cravings + Mental Obsession.

Cravings, the first drink is never enough and thus too much. Therefore, it is a healthier rational choice to avoid alcohol.

Mental Obsession, so what did you do about this little problem/bender/consequence that you are describing?

"I did it fucking all over AGAIN."

 

 

Implicit in this is what I'm saying.  IF you can stay sober for as long as you want, you probably aren't like me.  First came the realization that I could not stay sober for even a period desired by me (I did it fucking all over AGAIN), and then the realization that the period I wanted was forever.  And then I realized I was deeply fucked.

 

And for me, it wasn't even some craving.  It was utterly inexplicable except for a brief, insane moment, I figured I could tie one on without consequences.  Of course, the insanity persisted long enough for me to get loaded, and stuck around for a week or two while I broke out in fuck ups.

 

However you choose to describe it, once you have embarked on a sober life, see the benefits thereof, and have trouble staying that way, come see us at the last house on the block.

Edited July 18, 2018 by TwiceHorn

[Tailgate 3021]

My uncle, an attorney, is currently in jail for his third DUI in 12 months.

Good chance he may lose his practice.

Alchohol is a wicked devil and I appreciate the stories on this and the old Shagg. 

If you have a chance, please send good thoughts and prayers his way. It’s been brutal on my mom and his other brothers and sisters. He has been caught by this devil for many years and I’m not sure he knows the way out even though the entire family has attempted to help many, many, many times.

\m/

[Celery Man 20947]

Hang in there Caver.

The sleep and discomfort at night (and the effect that has on the passage of time) was very hard for me, every single time.  If you do find that you're having a hard time putting it down on your own, I would recommend trying some meetings when you try and get over that hump again, or otherwise getting some help there.  That really was a tough one for me to get past, even absent the rest of the stuff that made me an alcoholic.

[ernest_t_bass 1196]

19 hours ago, Caver60 said:

My wife and I agreed the other day that I should take the month off from drinking. She didn't push on me, she didn't really have to. I've been a regular drinker for ten years or more. Anywhere between six to ten drinks, almost every day, through one marriage and divorce and now into another. I started during my first marriage mainly out of boredom, but I've kept it going straight into this marriage as well. I hide it. Most of the time I have 3-4 drinks after work or on my way home so that it looks to my wife like I only have 3 or 4 drinks nightly. And yeah, I know this is stupid, dangerous behavior.

I've never "bottomed out" like I see a lot of you guys on here talking about. But it is taking a toll on my life. I feel shitty until lunchtime every day, and I never get anything done until the afternoon or evening. I'm blessed (cursed?) with a job that has let me get away with that. I know that it has hurt both marriages. I tend to be more interested in drinking than sex, most nights. That's just an example, but I know that it stands to reason that I'm not fully plugged into my life when I'm 8 drinks in.

So having had this little talk with my wife, I didn't drink last night. First night in awhile. From experience, I knew going in that I wouldn't sleep well, if at all. I told her that would probably happen, and it damn sure did. I'm super tired today. On the plus side, I don't feel like crap in addition to being tired like I usually do.

I wonder what this is going to be like and how long I will keep it going. I know the deal (at least I think I do). I LIKE feeling a little warm and foggy after a few drinks. I enjoy having a glass of wine while cooking and eating dinner. But then I have a hard time cutting it off, and it becomes the whole bottle. And then a couple of beers. And maybe tipping back a bottle for a few swigs between beers. And then I get up in the morning, and I look around and wonder how I had the gumption to turn off the lamp beside my bed, because I can't remember doing that at all. Because I like drinking, I know it'll be hard to kick.

I wonder if I will be able to get to a point where NOT drinking will be the norm, but where I will still be able to enjoy drinking from time to time on the right occasion. I don't have the "off" switch. I wonder if my wife will help me with that. I don't really want her to. And it doesn't really matter I suppose, because I've developed this habit of hiding it from her and I know how easy it is. She has a lot of grace about her. She knows that I drink a lot and she's not up my ass about it. But she will be one day if I keep this up.

Anyway, I'm gonna give this a shot for awhile and see what happens. I've got my goal on one month right now. I hope the whole sleeping thing gets a little better, because last night sucked.

Like looking in a mirror.

- wait until the sleeplessness wears off.  You'll get the best sleep you've had in a very long time.

- Did you tell your wife about the hiding?

- We are powerless against the first drink

[JohnnyRage 1617]

16 hours ago, JohnnyRage said:

Being an 'alcoholic' is the healthiest thing that has ever happened to me.

 I just miss my family. 

And suffer from a mental obsession. 

Edited July 18, 2018 by JohnnyRage

[El Diablo 4232]

6 hours ago, ernest_t_bass said:

- Did you tell your wife about the hiding?

Cut to the quick, didn't ya?  

[FartingMonk 3606]

Anyone know of any good meetings in the Clear Lake area?

[Dewey 3286]

Down the road in Webster is Up The Street Club, havent been in a while, but their Monday CA meeting is pretty solid, I'm sure they have other meetings just as good.

[TwiceHorn 31464]

11 minutes ago, Dewey said:

Down the road in Webster is Up The Street Club, havent been in a while, but their Monday CA meeting is pretty solid, I'm sure they have other meetings just as good.

Assuming Farting Monk or the person on whose behalf he inquires is a newb, I'm not sure I'd recommend a CA or NA meeting for their first rodeo.  Appreciating the commonality of experience is not something newbs are notoriously good at.

[Dewey 3286]

I was recommending the place, not so.much the meeting. That CA is strong, and have taken a newcomer to one, to which that newcomer was so.moved, she spoke in front of 40 or 50 people. She was full of fear walking in that place too.

[huge 3793]

Close acquaintance of mine seems to have hit rock bottom and acts like she is serious this time.

Been in and out of addiction and rehab and recovery and all since before I knew her and was never on what looked like the right path. Always wanted a way to feel normal.

This time sounds different (hauled out of a hotel with a BAC of almost .5 and should have died).

I’m pulling for her and hope you guys and gals will too.

[JohnnyRage 1617]

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2018/07/18/630275042/a-spike-in-liver-disease-deaths-among-young-adults-fueled-by-alcohol?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=npr&utm_term=nprnews&utm_content=20180718

"Spike In Liver Disease Deaths Among Young Adults..."

 

Edited July 19, 2018 by JohnnyRage

[TwiceHorn 31464]

8 hours ago, Dewey said:

I was recommending the place, not so.much the meeting. That CA is strong, and have taken a newcomer to one, to which that newcomer was so.moved, she spoke in front of 40 or 50 people. She was full of fear walking in that place too.

I know what you're saying and what you mean.  I just find myself "fighting" newbs with "terminal uniqueness" that frequently fail to see the commonality with people just like them, including drug of choice, much less people with a different drug of choice.

[TwiceHorn 31464]

1 hour ago, JohnnyRage said:

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2018/07/18/630275042/a-spike-in-liver-disease-deaths-among-young-adults-fueled-by-alcohol?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=npr&utm_term=nprnews&utm_content=20180718

"Spike In Liver Disease Deaths Among Young Adults..."

 

That's alarming.  The undoing of the American Dream, or the illusion of it, is having some dire consequences.

[FartingMonk 3606]

I think this time I'm ready.  I've been to AA before, it was not by choice before.  I blamed this, I blamed that, did enough to get under the radar of people to say I was "cured".  Now even though I thought it was BS I had to be there, I still listened quite intently.  One thing that stuck to me was "No matter where you go, there you are"  People change, places change, but I haven't changed.  And after a long weekend bender, I woke up and said well, there you are.  Who's fault was it this time?  I need the change.  I am ready for the change.  

[Dewey 3286]

Keep a positive attitude Monk, even in the toughest of times. Have faith that it all gets better.

[FartingMonk 3606]

My attitude is good.  I think I caught this downward spiral earlier than usual.  This time nothing is on fire yet.  I just know, I don't have the energy to pick myself up from the bottom the next time.  I need to do it now before I get to that point again.  

[Caver60 395]

On 7/18/2018 at 6:24 AM, ernest_t_bass said:

Like looking in a mirror.

- wait until the sleeplessness wears off.  You'll get the best sleep you've had in a very long time.

- Did you tell your wife about the hiding?

- We are powerless against the first drink

Damn, man. That did cut to the quick. I didn't tell her. And I've been round and round the implications of that, especially after your post.

This will be 6 days. 

Got some good sleep the past two nights and that helps. Strange diarrhea for a couple of days in there. Main thing now is that I feel sort of sullen. I don't know what to do with my time. My wife is noticing that. She thinks that I'm unhappy, even offered me a drink last night. I'm beginning to understand the whole "find something to do that adds meaning to your life" line of thinking. It's sort of distressing that there is this big of a hole to fill.

[Celery Man 20947]

Hang in there, and do things to distract yourself from what's going on with your mood.  Because your mood in the early stages of sobriety isn't reflective of the new normal or reality.

I don't know anything about this site, how reputable it is, etc, but it basically talks about the concept that was really helpful (and made a whole lot of sense for what was going on with me) from one of Dr. Boone's talks when I was at La Hacienda.

http://www.iflscience.com/brain/what-happens-alcoholics-brains-when-they-quit-drinking/..

Dopamine is responsible for a lot of your mood, substance use triggers dopamine in the brain, long term abuse fries the dopamine receptors and changes how that works in the brain (instead of feeling good you feel normal).  When you get out of the cycle of introducing the substance, you first go into a state where everything is gray and bleak, and then go into a state where everything starts waking back up and everything is shiny and wonderful (google pink cloud syndrome).  Neither of these states are normal.  Know that, because you need to know that to help understand what's going on with you as you get through early sobriety.  The brain will recover, things will normalize, your moods will stabilize.  If you decide to change your life, you may need to introduce new hobbies and patterns to replace the old ones and help you abstain long term, but that's a different thing than filling the deep dark abyss in your stomach and filling out the flat gray world around you.  That's your brain chemistry, it will change.

[FartingMonk 3606]

haha.  it's weird how this works.  I'm going on day 5 and I'm experiencing the weird diarrahea thing and was wondering if i ate bad food or something.

[JohnnyRage 1617]

If you are looking to pass some time try finding a good AA meeting. A bad AA meeting can be somewhat of a chore, but a good AA meeting is on par with church, therapy, and friendship.