I'm An Alcoholic

[YGIFS 19458]

Had a good 5:30p.  Considering how much shit has hit the fan today with my family, it was a good escape.  Bad news came right before, right after, and literally during the fucking meeting (via digital of course).  Not about being happy, about being less miserable one guy said.  Clinging to that this evening.  Y'all take care of one another.  I'll check in tomorrow.  

[Texzilla58 4790]

Not every problem drinker is an alcoholic. Not all alcoholics are problem drinkers. And there are variables of each on the spectrum. Alcohol and addiction is a problem for both side of my family, same for my wife’s. We have lost a few to it, a few have overcome, and others are in various stages of wallowing in it. The biggest duckers to deal with are the problem drinkers who aren’t physically addicted but have a tendency to get drunk and embarrass themselves to the family and then dismiss it as “I don’t remember”. Fuck you. There is not a single positive thing booze has done for me in my lifetime.

[YGIFS 19458]

Having a weird evening.  Zoom right now .  Maybe need to go 8:00 nin person.  

[Kennythetiger 9623]

Sometimes meetings are like church for me. Can think of 17 things that I “need” to do instead, but when I leave I am never sorry that I went. 

[BearSchlong 8240]

I’m trained. When I don’t want to go to a meeting, that’s exactly when I go to a meeting. And I too have never regretted it.

[YGIFS 19458]

Was a good thing right when I needed it  (did a 5:30p)  We're just having a time in this house right now with my shit and wife's diagnosis.  I'm gonna try and do the 10:30p online and go in person tomorrow.  just realized it's been like 3+ days since I've spoken with real folks in the program that I know a long while as while.  They've been incredible but shit...I blinked and didn't call on anybody.  Feeling okay about tonight but worried about tomrrow afternoon after wife's results come back...

Edited August 31, 2022 by YGIFS

[YGIFS 19458]

wife had to go in for second mammogram/ultrasound this morning after an alarming tissue thing on Monday.  Came back all good.  But it was fucking terrifying last 48 hours.  I think I might finally share today but don't want to be that guy.  But if I'm honest, and it went the other way...I'd be texting some of y'all from a bar...as it is I'm not that far away from that reality even though it was good news either.  This is fucking nuts, this thing of ours.  

I'm told the higher power won't dish onto us more than we can take...but somebody tell them "thanks, I think YGIF's is all good this week...let's him up later in the year."  What a fucking week.  Anybody wanna grab a late lunch and let me sob in public?  

[BearSchlong 8240]

Well?

[YGIFS 19458]

We're waiting!  

Doing better.  Most physical symptoms have markedly drawn down.  Doubled up on some days, so only a net of -1 meeting since I started attending in terms of per day.  Sleep is still weird.  I think we talked about this.  Either it'll take me a long while to get to sleep and I'll wake up "refreshed" after 4 hours and function totally normal and then be total fucking garbage early-mid afternoon.  Or today, got up, at breakfast and coffee with the kids and started on yardwork and then just had droopy eyes at like fucking 9:30am.  Fucking weird.  But shakes, migraines, nausea, dry heaving, etc.---tapering off okay, better than before.  Had a mental/emotional swing today but caught it after just a few minutes which I wouldn't have done previously.  

Talking to lots of folks in recovery, that and regular attendance I can hang my hat on.  Exercise and prayer and diet...close second.  Wife some days wants to talk about it in depth and other days doesn't want to hear anything about it other than "not a fucking drop today honey"...and she's earned that binary right.  Mixed bag is I am working some stuff but not ready to take on a sponsor.  I'm not above it, we can go into it off-line...another thing not related to the program/problem.  

tl;dr because YGIFS is long-winded.  Did 7 hours at the game on Saturday.  One open bar after another.  And I mean attendants and wait-staff that know me for 15 years.  And I brushed it off and nobody gave a shit.  Most "temptation" other than knocking off a liquor store I've had in 2+ months.  Didn't touch it.  But the cool part was afterwards, wife said, "I'm proud of you.  I thought you'd at least have a cold beer or two and just say it was because of the heat or whatever...and I probably would have been cool with it."  And I thought, "Shit, that lame of an excuse?"  

My problem is of course a problem writ-large, but my symptom wasn't to pound in a crazed fury and get blackout drunk.  and not saying high-functioning is a thing, maybe it is but not me anymore.  But my problem was just a schedule, not necessarily volume.  A football game, between Friday night, saturday pre-games, hosted bars in game, and afterwards, I bet I was never much more over 0.8...but I was that level for hours upon hours upon hours and I didn't spend a dollar to do it other than Uber.  Friday at 5:00p until Sunday after church, I was right at that line due to just a consistent intake.  And that could not go on. 

So going into Zoom meeting now.  Thanks for listening, hold me to account.  would like to chat at some point soon... 

 

and yeah, real quick.  Did share above and beyond the usual "early-timer" last week.  And really need to do more reading, freely admit that.  Fuck! 

Edited September 6, 2022 by YGIFS

[Jerry Callo 8959]

12 hours ago, YGIFS said:

wife said, "I'm proud of you.  I thought you'd at least have a cold beer or two and just say it was because of the heat or whatever...and I probably would have been cool with it."

You know not to use that as your measuring stick.  Early in sobriety, I used the "play the tape until the end" method - if I have just one or two beers, where will that lead.  Will I stop at one or two? - no.  If I did, would I only have one or two tomorrow? - no.  How many days would I stop at one or two? - not many . . .  

BTW, putting more after tl;dr than before is cry for help.  You should seek out an internetolics anonymous group.

[YGIFS 19458]

Yes, I know.  She said "she'd have been cool with it."  I would not have been, hence my choice.  I was merely quoting her, not using that as a baseline for recovery.

I don't understand your BTW comment.  If you don't want to read the posts, simply don't.  Reading this entire thread, along with the book, and posting has been helpful.  Happy to stop posting here if it's too long for you.  

Edited September 6, 2022 by YGIFS

[Jerry Callo 8959]

4 minutes ago, YGIFS said:

I don't understand your BTW comment.  If you don't want to read the posts, simply don't.  Reading this entire thread, along with the book, and posting has been helpful.  Happy to stop posting here if it's too long for you. 

Chill.  I was joking.  There is one thread on Surly that I read everything that is written - this thread.  My point was don't worry about putting tl;dr.

[YGIFS 19458]

Oh, you were joking?  There was a guy on my 8:00p last night that talked about domestic violence while high on meth & drunk.  and he was funnier.  

Man, you guys weren't kidding about the different vibes to the different meeting times.  I think I've only done one daytime, just nearly impossible with the kids schedules.  8:00p seems to be a lot more drug heavy, no judgement---addiction is addiction.  But it's almost exclusively about narcotics.  10:30p is a mixed bag.  And the 5:30p seems to be more early-timers, more straight booze related.  Plus I can make the 5:30p in person so much easier. 

But thank goodness for Zoom, god bless y'all that had to find ways to meet in the very early days of pandemic when everything was a shitshow and meeting regularly on Zoom wasn't the second-nature reflex it is now.  

I think I'm ready to try a different venue as well, just to continue on with Bear's advice.  Anybody know a good one right after work (starting 5-7pm) near campus, downtown, west, or south austin?  And what's the protocol on reaching out to somebody that gave you their number at a meeting?  You text first and just say "Hey, it's Bob from the the other day.  Let me know if you get some quiet time to chat later today?"  I know lots of people that go to this place in real life (the Vendiagram between the 5:30p and the group of professionals I know would have significant overlap), and I'm talking to them regularly.  But for somebody that I just met a few times and our stories click, I don't wanna just call out of the blue.  I know some people can just talk about it out loud at home or at work, and that's cool.  But I'd assume many are like me and would rather have some downtime alone to chat about stuff.  

[Reagan1k 3042]

1 hour ago, YGIFS said:

You text first and just say "Hey, it's Bob from the the other day.  Let me know if you get some quiet time to chat later today?"

Exactly - Nothing more complicated than that.  If he's doing the real deal, he'll be ecstatic that you reached out.  That phone is really heavy when you start, but once you exercise that muscle it becomes lighter.  Makes my day when an new guy calls.  

[Reagan1k 3042]

1 hour ago, YGIFS said:

But thank goodness for Zoom, god bless y'all that had to find ways to meet in the very early days of pandemic when everything was a shitshow and meeting regularly on Zoom wasn't the second-nature reflex it is now. 

I think about the early AAs who were lucky if they had one meeting a week, or the guys who were doing this before the book was written and it was all in the passing of an experience from one drunk to the next.  Sandy Beach talks about how they did it and it always makes me laugh (and remember that recovery isn't just hiding in a fellowship).  SB says they'd look forward to the meeting all week, but mainly they talked one on one and just prayed like hell all day.

[TwiceHorn 32077]

59 minutes ago, Reagan1k said:

I think about the early AAs who were lucky if they had one meeting a week, or the guys who were doing this before the book was written and it was all in the passing of an experience from one drunk to the next.  Sandy Beach talks about how they did it and it always makes me laugh (and remember that recovery isn't just hiding in a fellowship).  SB says they'd look forward to the meeting all week, but mainly they talked one on one and just prayed like hell all day.

Speaking of which, this is on Prime currently. https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2275549/

[Kennythetiger 9623]

3 minutes ago, TwiceHorn said:

Speaking of which, this is on Prime currently. https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2275549/

Thank you. 

[Reagan1k 3042]

On 9/5/2022 at 8:00 PM, YGIFS said:

Didn't touch it.  But the cool part was afterwards, wife said, "I'm proud of you.  I thought you'd at least have a cold beer or two and just say it was because of the heat or whatever...and I probably would have been cool with it."  And I thought, "Shit, that lame of an excuse?"  

It took me a while to grasp that alcoholism is a family disease.  Everyone is afflicted; even those that don't drink.  Our spouses, kids, family, and friends have to adjust to a new normal and I for one didn't get that.  I pretended that my disease existed in a vacuum and no one was affected.  That's not true.  It takes time and just like us, our loved ones have good days and bad, stub their toe, say stupid shit, and get overcome with fear and uncertainty.   I was told to be gentle with not only myself, but with others.  Take that for what it's worth.

 

[Kennythetiger 9623]

I never met El Diablo, but I have sure been thinking about him a lot lately. I have no idea why. I can’t imagine what I would be like if I lost my eyesight, and the fucker trucked right through it. 

[BearSchlong 8240]

I never met El Diablo, but I have sure been thinking about him a lot lately. I have no idea why. I can’t imagine what I would be like if I lost my eyesight, and the fucker trucked right through it. 

RIP Mark. I think of him often as well.

He was a miracle.

[Shoxthemonkey 1993]

He had a pretty remarkable transformation. He went from being really obnoxious to somebody that was pretty cool. Every so often I scroll through the photography thread and see some of his posts. Gives me pause.

[Macanudo 13320]

This football season has been..... interesting.   Normally, especially for night games, I was pretty toasty by kickoff and then just kept going.  

During the Bama game, it crossed my mind multiple times that a drink in my hand would have been nice.   Last night, we started off watching the game at a wing place/sports bar.   I definitely remembered old me having several beers in that kind of environment.

It's such a difference experience to do stuff like this stone cold sober.   But I'm 7 months into this and I'm not giving up.

[TwiceHorn 32077]

2 hours ago, Macanudo said:

This football season has been..... interesting.   Normally, especially for night games, I was pretty toasty by kickoff and then just kept going.  

During the Bama game, it crossed my mind multiple times that a drink in my hand would have been nice.   Last night, we started off watching the game at a wing place/sports bar.   I definitely remembered old me having several beers in that kind of environment.

It's such a difference experience to do stuff like this stone cold sober.   But I'm 7 months into this and I'm not giving up.

I was a binger in college and law school and, we sucked mostly, so football games were just social occasions and "pre-gaming" for the post-game festivities, Shock the Nation being a nice exception, although there were plenty of post-game festivities then, too. 

After graduation, I came back to a number of games, but they were just complete drunkfests, including with friends that wound up not having a problem with it.  By the mid 90s, we pretty much totally sucked and I couldn't be assed to drive down to Austin just to get shitfaced.  Then I got sober.  Then Mack came along and we improved substantially, so a lot of my early sober viewing of Texas Football was some pretty decent ball.  I even watched some of the OU fuckfiestas in bars with friends and had as good/bad a time as ever stone cold sober.

Edited September 18, 2022 by TwiceHorn

[YGIFS 19458]

Man, the moment you think you got shit under control...it all comes back unraveling even without being drunk.  Fuck me.  I guess this is real life?  I've had glimpses of it, but last few days have just been especially difficult with the family and they amongst one another.  I know I've been a driver of this kinda shit but I've also noticed where these were the kind of kid/mom-fueled drama sessions that would drive me to withdraw and drink alone.  I am powerless, but somebody make them stop yelling at each other!  Gotta step up and parent and not just quietly drink in the corner.  I GET IT.    

Anyway, I've been doing okay.  Not great, but better than average---I guess?  But I'm redoubling my efforts this week.  I need to.  They need me to.  I still thank you all for your stories and support.  I'm going to an 8;00p tonight if I can get the savages to bed.  If not, I'll do it on zoom (again, godsend that technology).  Didn't mean to say I was coasting the last few weeks, but since Tuesday...just a lotta usual shit brewing back up again with work and family and trying not to deal with it the old way.  Anybody else wants to talk through some shit, I'm an asshole but a really good listener.  Thanks.  Be good everybody. 

[YGIFS 19458]

So I'm "multi-tasking" right now.  We're getting the older one to bed but I'm doing the 8:00p right now via zoom.  I don't usually connect as deeply with the 8:00p for other reasons .  But it's what I need right now, I'm not at that step yet but it's what I need right now as defects of character.  I need to circle back to earlier, but the last 48 hours.....soul searching the aspects of my existence.  I dunno.  Thanks.  I'll circle back tonight with some more bizarre shit.   

Yeah, edit for step 6.  Again, not there yet...but this is a really helpful conversation with just where I am this week.  not jumping...but need this and I think I was called back to this meeting/thread due to theme...not my own shit.  but its my own shit.

Edited September 23, 2022 by YGIFS

[TwiceHorn 32077]

1 hour ago, YGIFS said:

Man, the moment you think you got shit under control...it all comes back unraveling even without being drunk.  Fuck me.  I guess this is real life?  I've had glimpses of it, but last few days have just been especially difficult with the family and they amongst one another.  I know I've been a driver of this kinda shit but I've also noticed where these were the kind of kid/mom-fueled drama sessions that would drive me to withdraw and drink alone.  I am powerless, but somebody make them stop yelling at each other!  Gotta step up and parent and not just quietly drink in the corner.  I GET IT.    

Anyway, I've been doing okay.  Not great, but better than average---I guess?  But I'm redoubling my efforts this week.  I need to.  They need me to.  I still thank you all for your stories and support.  I'm going to an 8;00p tonight if I can get the savages to bed.  If not, I'll do it on zoom (again, godsend that technology).  Didn't mean to say I was coasting the last few weeks, but since Tuesday...just a lotta usual shit brewing back up again with work and family and trying not to deal with it the old way.  Anybody else wants to talk through some shit, I'm an asshole but a really good listener.  Thanks.  Be good everybody. 

Just bear in mind that if you start drinking again, you put your work and family at serious risk.  Therefore, it's appropriate on occasion for them to take a back seat to your recovery work.

[Reagan1k 3042]

14 hours ago, YGIFS said:

So I'm "multi-tasking" right now.  We're getting the older one to bed but I'm doing the 8:00p right now via zoom.  I don't usually connect as deeply with the 8:00p for other reasons .  But it's what I need right now, I'm not at that step yet but it's what I need right now as defects of character.  I need to circle back to earlier, but the last 48 hours.....soul searching the aspects of my existence.  I dunno.  Thanks.  I'll circle back tonight with some more bizarre shit.   

Yeah, edit for step 6.  Again, not there yet...but this is a really helpful conversation with just where I am this week.  not jumping...but need this and I think I was called back to this meeting/thread due to theme...not my own shit.  but its my own shit.

Really good to hear you mentioning the steps.  Sounds like you've got a sponsor who is ingraining the difference between the program of AA vs. just being present in the fellowship.  Kudos.  Keep doing what your sponsor says and follow the marching orders as described in the book.

It is literally an exact recipe for emotional and physical sobriety for a drunk like me.  Page by page, action by action, and prayer by prayer.  When I simply do as it says in the black ink I find relief and peace.

Godspeed.

[YGIFS 19458]

Thanks for the insight.  I got shit about fuck figured out.  But I’ve done some football games and other events without booze with little issue.  And I’ve been to restaurants and not wrung my hands about not ordering a drink.  But sometimes, home is the toughest challenge. Gotta face shit head on and not go pout in my workshop in the garage with liquor/beer.  Anyway step 6 is beyond my work; but also very timely for me right now.  

also….to keep my rancor up.  My sleep is all fucked up again.   Mostly just stress and digestive tract issues.  I was doing better but fucking A.  
 

some good news, my right arm/hand tingly/shaky thing is a legit injury.  Ulnar nerve issue.  My wonderful neighbor is an osteopath and diagnosed/treating it.  Thank god because I looked like Ray Charles hankering for heroin for awhile.   
 

I need to remind myself frequently that the chore of recovery is annoying as shit but it’s so much less stress than the chore of drinking.  I want to live to see my children graduate college and not feel crappy when answering people at 14 years old when people ask “what did your dad die of?”  

[MaybeACoordinator 8350]

On 7/6/2022 at 9:34 AM, Jerry Callo said:

I haven't seen it mentioned on this thread, but Brisket started a thread in IPIHB regarding MaybeACoordiantor.  He's apparently having some serious medical problems right now.  I remember that MAC used to post fairly regularly on this thread.  I remember because it was around the same time that I stopped drinking.  Not sure that these issues have anything to do with his current issues, but it is certainly possible based upon some of the updates.  Keep him in your thoughts and prayers either way.

Thanks. I am on the mend after three months in the hospital. Two intubations, weeks of being so drugged up I felt as much dead in some weird purgatory as alive. 
 

Booze put me there. I was very near to becoming a modern day death of despair. I was treating severe depression and midlife crisis with wine. I was working from home and lived alone and can really handle my booze so there were no checks on my drinking, I was ordering my wine in via Instacart and drinking a box a day.

And that was all I was consuming aside from Copenhagen. No food at all. I napped constantly but never felt rested. I quit driving abd more or less committed to a slow death spiral.
 

i  will omit some details but I got a scratch and it went septic and bam, here we are. 
 

I have severe foot pain still and forgot how to walk during my intubations. I also developed bedsores on my ass, one of which required surgery. 
 

Grim shit but after after a DWI, a failed marriage and two trips to rehab failed to do the trick, I think my research is finally complete. 
 

it’s been mentioned before on this thread but modern life makes it easier to leave Las Vegas than it’s ever been before. It’s all too easy to dio your foot in that river and the next thing you know you are being swept toward the abyss. At first you tell yourself you got this but at some point drinking yourself to death begins to seem the best option. You are just too perceptive and caring to live. Your friends and family will remember you as a noble soul too pure for this mean ol’ world. 

ummm, no, they will just remember you were a real bad alcoholic and that’s on the charitable side. 
 

[TwiceHorn 32077]

4 minutes ago, MaybeACoordinator said:

Thanks. I am on the mend after three months in the hospital. Two intubations, weeks of being so drugged up I felt as much dead in some weird purgatory as alive. 
 

Booze put me there. I was very near to becoming a modern day death of despair. I was treating severe depression and midlife crisis with wine. I was working from home and lived alone and can really handle my booze so there were no checks on my drinking, I was ordering my wine in via Instacart and drinking a box a day.

And that was all I was consuming aside from Copenhagen. No food at all. I napped constantly but never felt rested. I quit driving abd more or less committed to a slow death spiral.
 

i  will omit some details but I got a scratch and it went septic and bam, here we are. 
 

I have severe foot pain still and forgot how to walk during my intubations. I also developed bedsores on my ass, one of which required surgery. 
 

Grim shit but after after a DWI, a failed marriage and two trips to rehab failed to do the trick, I think my research is finally complete. 
 

it’s been mentioned before on this thread but modern life makes it easier to leave Las Vegas than it’s ever been before. It’s all too easy to dio your foot in that river and the next thing you know you are being swept toward the abyss. At first you tell yourself you got this but at some point drinking yourself to death begins to seem the best option. You are just too perceptive and caring to live. Your friends and family will remember you as a noble soul too pure for this mean ol’ world. 

ummm, no, they will just remember you were a real bad alcoholic and that’s on the charitable side. 
 

Lord help us.

 

Glad you are still with us, friend.

[MaybeACoordinator 8350]

1 minute ago, TwiceHorn said:

Lord help us.

 

Glad you are still with us, friend.

Somehow kidneys, liver etc have no long term damage. Pretty sure my family has been a bunch of drunks since fermentation was discovered. 

[RDCanecutter 26883]

13 hours ago, MaybeACoordinator said:

Thanks. I am on the mend after three months in the hospital. Two intubations, weeks of being so drugged up I felt as much dead in some weird purgatory as alive. 
 

Booze put me there. I was very near to becoming a modern day death of despair. I was treating severe depression and midlife crisis with wine. I was working from home and lived alone and can really handle my booze so there were no checks on my drinking, I was ordering my wine in via Instacart and drinking a box a day.

And that was all I was consuming aside from Copenhagen. No food at all. I napped constantly but never felt rested. I quit driving abd more or less committed to a slow death spiral.
 

i  will omit some details but I got a scratch and it went septic and bam, here we are. 
 

I have severe foot pain still and forgot how to walk during my intubations. I also developed bedsores on my ass, one of which required surgery. 
 

Grim shit but after after a DWI, a failed marriage and two trips to rehab failed to do the trick, I think my research is finally complete. 
 

it’s been mentioned before on this thread but modern life makes it easier to leave Las Vegas than it’s ever been before. It’s all too easy to dio your foot in that river and the next thing you know you are being swept toward the abyss. At first you tell yourself you got this but at some point drinking yourself to death begins to seem the best option. You are just too perceptive and caring to live. Your friends and family will remember you as a noble soul too pure for this mean ol’ world. 

ummm, no, they will just remember you were a real bad alcoholic and that’s on the charitable side. 
 

The worst part of it all is that you probably threw away all the empty cardboard wine boxes. If it was Bota Box, that's some premium art material if you chop it up into 4 x 6" and baseball-card size.

If it wasn't Bota Box, fuggit.

[Judge Roybeanbag 11860]

This is probably one of the more potent and true statements on this thread.

Quote

ummm, no, they will just remember you were a real bad alcoholic and that’s on the charitable side. 

 

[Celery Man 21097]

15 hours ago, MaybeACoordinator said:

I was working from home and lived alone and can really handle my booze so there were no checks on my drinking, I was ordering my wine in via Instacart and drinking a box a day.

Quote

It’s all too easy to dio your foot in that river and the next thing you know you are being swept toward the abyss. At first you tell yourself you got this but at some point drinking yourself to death begins to seem the best option.

man I am so fucking glad that my trip to the bottom didn't coincide with the pandemic. i feel like i could have plumbed deeper depths, and people wouldn't have been quick enough to notice that I was missing before it was too late.

dipping your toes in and then you're being sucked under - exactly right. glad you're here brother

[BearSchlong 8240]

Riding home right now from the 61st Lakeside conference, the 2nd oldest after Blackstone in VA. Chuck C. spoke at the first one.

With my father’s passing (29 years of sober service) I inherited a service position that will end only when I'm dead, infirm, or drunk.

My Odessa, Austin, Dallas, and OKC AA brothers and sisters don't have time for feelings. I was told by my AA hero “congratulations. Don't embarrass your family. You will show up and serve to the best of your ability. Don't fuck this up.”

I cannot imagine a more meaningful honor.

Sure wish some of you good folks would come one year.

[YGIFS 19458]

Where is it held>?

[BearSchlong 8240]

https://www.lakesideconference.org/history.php

Registration for next year will be open on July 1. We are space limited to the first 250 registrants.

We have 5 speakers (4 AA, 1 Al Anon), most of whom fly in from the east and west coasts.

[Brisketexan 106890]

https://www.lakesideconference.org/history.php

Registration for next year will be open on July 1. We are space limited to the first 250 registrants.

We have 5 speakers (4 AA, 1 Al Anon), most of whom fly in from the east and west coasts.

Man….I bet the bar at that conference is just DEAD.

[Celery Man 21097]

Man I’d enjoy going to a conference where the day after the party wasn’t a whole bunch of jokes about being hungover. Actual normies making jokes about being alcoholics if the weirdest fucking thing.

[YGIFS 19458]

RE; Brisket's bar funny.........Decades ago, I opened for a comic who had a bit about AA.  I wasn't even of legal drinking age and certainly had not developed a habit, so I didn't really get it.  This guy was probably much younger than I am now but had obviously been through some shit, as most comics have/had. 

Anyway, it was something to the effect of him at a meeting and somebody is sharing says, "And I just really, really wanna go to a bar"  And he jokes, "Holy shit, I have the exact same feeling, I know a place around the corner.  I'm buying, we can be shitfaced in an hour."  It's been making me giggle at meetings, like we're all on the ledge of being like "fuck it, let's just take this conversation across the parking lot to Salt Trader's bar."  But then a few minute later, I'm crying or holding hands with somebody. 

Weird fucking ride, I'll say that much.  And I toured with the Grateful Dead, in Northern Canada-dropped acid and watch the Aurora Borealis, changed the wreath out at the Tomb of Unknown Soldier at Arlington, almost pulled a substance-fueled train on Liz Phair with Bret Hull, and am 99% certain I met Cartaphilus years ago in Spain.  But this is by far the biggest mindfuck I've been through.  I am really thankful for some of you.  Real life meetings help, but I've been lurking on this thread for years and is so insightful.  

[baboso 6105]

MaC, glad you're still around, brother.  

[closetohumping 17816]

On 9/24/2022 at 9:56 AM, Judge Roybeanbag said:

This is probably one of the more potent and true statements on this thread.

 

+2.  You’re not some poor soul. You’re actually a selfish asshole.  

[Dewey 3330]

4 years, almost 5 and I see that I have not moderated anything in my life. I quit drinking, quit drugs, but I haven't made a dent in my emotions, specifically anger, anger with myself and with others. I came to this realization over the weekend, hotter than shit over things that have happened at work, it's become a daily thing for me at work. I see clearly now "let go, let God", the serenity prayer " accept the things I can not change ". 

My sponsor always joked about the alcoholic saying, " if people would just listen to me! Do as I say". Lol, but fuck, that's my job, to run a job site, see it to completion. I need to moderate, not get so angry, understand that there's always a solution and that things don't always go as planned, but that we get there when we need to. 

Anyways, it's 10:30 and I'm doing pretty good. Thanks 

[TwiceHorn 32077]

18 minutes ago, Dewey said:

4 years, almost 5 and I see that I have not moderated anything in my life. I quit drinking, quit drugs, but I haven't made a dent in my emotions, specifically anger, anger with myself and with others. I came to this realization over the weekend, hotter than shit over things that have happened at work, it's become a daily thing for me at work. I see clearly now "let go, let God", the serenity prayer " accept the things I can not change ". 

My sponsor always joked about the alcoholic saying, " if people would just listen to me! Do as I say". Lol, but fuck, that's my job, to run a job site, see it to completion. I need to moderate, not get so angry, understand that there's always a solution and that things don't always go as planned, but that we get there when we need to. 

Anyways, it's 10:30 and I'm doing pretty good. Thanks 

Progress not perfection friend.  Keep on keepin on.

[Dewey 3330]

1 hour ago, TwiceHorn said:

Progress not perfection friend.  Keep on keepin on.

Yes, another good one. I'm going to make it a good habit to practice daily what a I read, not just read, get into the swirl of daily life and throw all that I have read to the side. I know that if I look back on who I was, I have made significant strides, most of the time I feel that not to be the case, like I'm stuck in neutral, yelling at the clouds. I know I'm tired of being angry. 

[TwiceHorn 32077]

1 minute ago, Dewey said:

Yes, another good one. I'm going to make it a good habit to practice daily what a I read, not just read, get into the swirl of daily life and throw all that I have read to the side. I know that if I look back on who I was, I have made significant strides, most of the time I feel that not to be the case, like I'm stuck in neutral, yelling at the clouds. I know I'm tired of being angry. 

Been doin this deal nearly 25 years and still have to catch myself planning and outcoming on stuff.

[Kennythetiger 9623]

1 hour ago, Dewey said:

Yes, another good one. I'm going to make it a good habit to practice daily what a I read, not just read, get into the swirl of daily life and throw all that I have read to the side. I know that if I look back on who I was, I have made significant strides, most of the time I feel that not to be the case, like I'm stuck in neutral, yelling at the clouds. I know I'm tired of being angry. 

[BearSchlong 8240]

I love the Daily Stoic.  I get the daily email, you can sign up here - https://dailystoic.com/

 

 

[Macanudo 13320]

On 9/26/2022 at 9:31 AM, Dewey said:

4 years, almost 5 and I see that I have not moderated anything in my life. I quit drinking, quit drugs, but I haven't made a dent in my emotions, specifically anger, anger with myself and with others. I came to this realization over the weekend, hotter than shit over things that have happened at work, it's become a daily thing for me at work. I see clearly now "let go, let God", the serenity prayer " accept the things I can not change ". 

My sponsor always joked about the alcoholic saying, " if people would just listen to me! Do as I say". Lol, but fuck, that's my job, to run a job site, see it to completion. I need to moderate, not get so angry, understand that there's always a solution and that things don't always go as planned, but that we get there when we need to. 

Anyways, it's 10:30 and I'm doing pretty good. Thanks 

I remember years ago when I first heard the word rageaholic and I didn't understand how that was a thing.    When my drinking started to get out of control, I realized how it was.    Making that discovery was one of the contributing factors to ending up where I am now....   A confused alcoholic and in recovery.   It took time because once I knew that drinking could result in increased rage, I tried to decrease the rage to mask the drinking.   So I went from a sometimes angry drunk to just a bigger drunk.  

Amazingly, my job is what helped me in some ways to work on the rage.  Refocusing on solutions and answers that aren't just my own has helped.   Looking to family, peers and co-workers for collaboration and really enjoying their input instead of festering on "I didn't get my way" like I sometimes do/did.

Like Twice said Keep on Keepin' on.   And Keep on Trucking.

[YGIFS 19458]

como estan, bitches?  

whew, rough week.  Probably my worst one since the beginning in early/mid July.  Meeting topic this evening was step 4.  Not there yet, but man...delicate balance between looking back for inventory but just trying to plug through the next day/week.  Important to see how I got where I am, but most of the time...I just beat myself up and can't see my way through the next few hours.  I don't know how to do it.  Resuming therapy later this month.  Maybe that'll help.  Talking with others in recovery 1:1 on an almost daily basis.  I think I'm ready for a sponsor now.  I dunno.  I don't shit about fuck.  Just eerie sometimes how that day's shit comes up in a meeting.  But I go down the inventory rabbit hole and get so fucking bummed out that I forget, "oh yeah, you gotta tackle today too on top of all that regret."  simple, but it ain't easy.  

Anyway, I know y'all have discussed this very delicate struggle.  Would love some insight from anybody, everybody.  Or just tell me to quit thinking and work the steps.  Yeah, I fuckking get it.  Just looking for additional insight/experience.  This thread is no longer my crutch, but a very valued asset in my toolbox.  I am grateful.  Just a rough fucking week, started really getting lost in my shit.  Moreso than usual.  Not just alcohol, but my disconnect with society.  Family time has actually been really good lately and thank the fucking Lord for that.  Amen.