Single/divorced parents help

[midtown 3350]

Anyone have one of their shared custody kids want to move in with them?   

My 11 yr old daughter wants nothing to do with her mom anymore.   Admittedly she's a gigantic brat these days based on that age for girls and I definitely have my hair pulling out days.  Throw in covid and losing all her school friends and soccer friends and its been a rough year.   My ex is a good mom but ever since she got a boyfriend (who is a nice guy and my kids says he treats them very well)  she has started to run her house like a warden.   My guess is her bf got in her ear about being too laid back on discipline.   And my ex is generally not a compassionate person, has massive adhd which she won't treat, and is a workaholic.   

So I'd have a situation where my 14 yr old goes back and forth and my 11 is with me 365.   It would really hurt my ability to do anything involving friends, travel, dating, cycling, football games, etc.   I think this would really affect my mental and physical health.   I have no family to help me.   I've pushed back on it so far because I keep hoping they will figure things out especially as my daughter pushed through the difficult age but I wondering if I should concede and just take the pressure off the tension. 

Edited October 21, 2020 by midtown

[ztejas 44114]

Not a parent, but as someone that spent 12 years doing split custody before moving out of one house I would say listen to your daughter (won't extend credentials past that as I do not feel comfortable sharing here - but they exist). I wouldn't risk her concerns blowing over when the alternative is lasting emotional damage down the road (checking in here). 

Not going to tell you what to do as I'm sure you have valid arguments on both sides, but neither you or her mom can recreate or fully understand her perspective. Kids don't always realize what is good for them but when they verbalize discomfort it's worth listening to.

Is there any reason something less than half and half wouldn't work? The ol' every other weekend and Wednesdays type deal?

 

[midtown 3350]

6 minutes ago, ztejas said:

Is there any reason something less than half and half wouldn't work? The ol' every other weekend and Wednesdays type deal?

Thanks for the input.  I should have added.  We are already at half.   I have two days a week and every other wknd.  There is no child support instead we contribute equally per month to a joint account that we use for clothes, school, athletics, phone bills etc.   So this would go from 50% to 100%.  I guess we could agree on a one night a week and one wknd a month or something.  

[Fudbelty 2801]

Absolutely non law nor family guidance pro but it sounds like 11yr old daughter thinks life will be easier on the other side. Not Knowing you one bit I’d imagine it would be very much the same, especially if you and the ex already seem to have the co parenting down.

 

This exact thing happened with my sis when her daughter reached 13. Niece realized that dad and step mom played right in to it though. She ate it up, until dad starting cracking down on the “liberties” of living with dad.

 

My honest opinion is you if feel (only you know this) she is safe, taken care of, and in a good place then maybe offer more time but I wouldn’t go full 100. It doesn’t set a good precedent that she can throw her fit and get what she wants. Hell when I was 14 I wanted to live with my dad. That lasted a month and I went back to my mom’s. Grass is always greener, but it’s still grass.

[Bevo 13825]

1 hour ago, midtown said:

Anyone have one of their shared custody kids want to move in with them?   

My 11 yr old daughter wants nothing to do with her mom anymore.   Admittedly she's a gigantic brat these days based on that age for girls and I definitely have my hair pulling out days.  Throw in covid and losing all her school friends and soccer friends and its been a rough year.   My ex is a good mom but ever since she got a boyfriend (who is a nice guy and my kids says he treats them very well)  she has started to run her house like a warden.   My guess is her bf got in her ear about being too laid back on discipline.   And my ex is generally not a compassionate person, has massive adhd which she won't treat, and is a workaholic.   

So I'd have a situation where my 14 yr old goes back and forth and my 11 is with me 365.   It would really hurt my ability to do anything involving friends, travel, dating, cycling, football games, etc.   I think this would really affect my mental and physical health.   I have no family to help me.   I've pushed back on it so far because I keep hoping they will figure things out especially as my daughter pushed through the difficult age but I wondering if I should concede and just take the pressure off the tension. 

Pretend like you are still married to her and imagine your life. Then, you can realize how good you have it now.

[NeverMarryAStripper 22241]

I've been there.  My son probably wouldn't ever go to his mom's if I didn't make him once in a while.  My daughter goes back and forth.  It's a rare night at my house that at least one kid isn't there.  I still manage to get laid.  

[midtown 3350]

1 hour ago, Fudbelty said:

My honest opinion is you if feel (only you know this) she is safe, taken care of, and in a good place then maybe offer more time but I wouldn’t go full 100. It doesn’t set a good precedent that she can throw her fit and get what she wants. Hell when I was 14 I wanted to live with my dad. That lasted a month and I went back to my mom’s. Grass is always greener, but it’s still grass.

It's definitely a lot of this.  I have always been harder on my kids from growing up in a military officers house.  But I am also a lot more affectionate with my kids and way way more fun of a parent.   eg my ex pays for chores.  I don't pay a dime.  Ill hammer them on something they did wrong but then Ill drop it and we will do something fun.  My guess is my ex just shuts it down and holds the grudge. 

[Guest]

10 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

I've been there.  My son probably wouldn't ever go to his mom's if I didn't make him once in a while.  My daughter goes back and forth.  It's a rare night at my house that at least one kid isn't there.  I still manage to get laid.  

Well of course, imagine what they see at the ex's place...

Edited October 21, 2020 by slorch

[TwiceHorn 31987]

I don't know shit.  But I will offer this.  It might be a good time to do a little family counseling and see if something else is up.  In any event, it might give all three of you better perspective on it.

[irishtexan 11692]

Would your ex even agree to that? Isn’t custody pretty strictly defined, legally? Would seem like it doesn’t really matter what the 13 year old wants, provided the mom isn’t being delinquent in her parenting duties.

[midtown 3350]

1 hour ago, TwiceHorn said:

It might be a good time to do a little family counseling and see if something else is up.  In any event, it might give all three of you better perspective on it.

Counseling has been going on for a year for the two of them. 

 

Mom is ok with it.   Our custody schedule is pretty flexible.   Partly a let her see that the grass isn't greener and partly because she's doesn't really seem to be that into her daughter.   She accepted that both kids are daddys kids.   Her bf didn't have much of a relationship with his daughters and she never had much with her dad so I guess she just assumes it's not a huge deal to have a so so relationship with our daughter.   And sees it as one less thing her adhd mind has to deal with.   

[TwiceHorn 31987]

1 hour ago, irishtexan said:

Would your ex even agree to that? Isn’t custody pretty strictly defined, legally? Would seem like it doesn’t really matter what the 13 year old wants, provided the mom isn’t being delinquent in her parenting duties.

Just a legal note.  Yes, custody/visitation orders are worded pretty strictly.  But they also include "as otherwise agreed."  Assuming you can reach an agreement, it can be anything goes.

At the age of 12 in Texas, a child may legally express a desire to live with one parent or the other.  That does not mean the other one gets no visitation, and the expression of preference is not always honored.  To do it correctly, a suit is filed to modify custody, the 12+ child expresses the preference, and is interviewed by the judge, without the parents present, to make sure it's not because "Dad lets me stay out all night/fuck my girlfriend/shoot up in the house/etc."  If the judge finds the preference legit, the custody order is modified accordingly.

Edited October 21, 2020 by TwiceHorn

[Incredulity 11861]

11 yr old daughter upset with divorced mother...breaking news at 11.

Seriously though,  be prepared for 7 years of this shit until they figure out they are essentially the same person, or go into long term denial over that and ruin Christmas for three decades.

[immamac 44200]

I have a 1 year old. I have 0 frame of reference, but if me and my wife split I would never even if they hated my guts let them just fuck off 100% of the time and just see me when it's convenient. There's something weird going on with your ex if she's just like fuck it whatever. I do have a frame of reference as an adult. 

Tough though because if my kid wanted something and I could tell it was hurting them emotionally or something id do everything I could to provide even if that meant sacrificing things on my end. I do remind myself constantly that my duty as a parent isn't to be my child's friend, it's to make sure they grow up to be a functional member of society with independent thoughts.

[Brew 3049]

My parents divorced when I was 7, sister was 2. At around that age of 11, she became extremely manipulative of the custody relationship and played them off of each other. I think my dad intentionally or unintentionally created some of the issues because of child support. She spent the next 6-7 years jumping from one back to the other and it was a constant problem. Get pissed at one, I'm moving to the other house and so it went.

Preteen girls are manipulative as shit. I would definitely try to move to a heavier weighted custody arrangement to show you're all listening, but I don't know that I would ever be comfortable with no visitation. That absence could create lifelong issues they never recover from where now it's her being pissed and not liking her it then moves towards ambivalence and not caring to see her. It's hard to restart a relationship that has failed with no contact.

[South Austin 53155]

Here's the real question:  How full custody affect your dating game?

[Handcruser 2814]

Dad here.

 

Daughter at 11 came at me with this same request.

 

Best friend is a lawyer. Called him. He filed. Judge listened to my daughter in chambers first.

 

1 hour later it was all over. She’s been with me full time ever since.

 

Best. Decision. Ever.

 

Go get her.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

 

[Fudbelty 2801]

Dad here.
 
Daughter at 11 came at me with this same request.
 
Best friend is a lawyer. Called him. He filed. Judge listened to my daughter in chambers first.
 
1 hour later it was all over. She’s been with me full time ever since.
 
Best. Decision. Ever.
 
Go get her.
 
 
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
 

This is the stuff idiots like me couldn’t share(at least right now).

Either way do what you feel is best(and legal).

[DallasHorn26 587]

It's definitely tough. I was a child of divorce and my sister definitely played my parents against each other and my dad used us as pawns to hurt my mom whenever he could. I'm going through similar with my 13 y/o daughter right now. Her mom has primary custody, but we've always been flexible on visitation, etc (the as agreed clause in the agreement), but lately she hasn't been speaking to me much and even refused to visit for a little bit. I think honestly, she's done that some to get a break from little brother and sister, but she's also manipulative and trys to play to emotions and push buttons. I'm just loving from a distance and supporting as I can. Her mom has been good about encouraging her to visit/speak without being pushy. We've also got her in counseling. It's just a tough age. 

[midtown 3350]

I think I will go with what the above poster said and something I had already been doing and that's taking extra nights here and there.   My daughter is in no danger and has more friends in moms hood and I like her to be around her brother.   I hope my son can teach her how its done.   He has mastered the art of flying under the radar.    Say yes maam/sir.  do your chores and school work and live the easy life.   I don't want to give in to what I think is her "playing" us.   There are good days and then some rough days.   We (mostly moms decision) yanked off her soccer team and I think that really hit home for her that we are serious about her being respectful.   Her attitude this week has been great. . I assume a lot of that has to do with going back into the classroom at her new school.   I told her when she turns 14 and goes to HS she can come live with me.   At that point I think she will have things figured out.  

[William_Cannon 86]

I can say that when my wife and I aren’t aligned on parenting, it does create challenges. Moreover it’s a point of instability for the kids. Kids need stability and consistency. I have to imagine it’s even more challenging for a child if the parents are divorced. Is there anyway you and your ex can come to an agreement on some of these child rearing differences? For us, it made it significantly easier when we sort out our differences in rules, parenting philosophies etc behind close doors and bring the same message and consistency to the kids. We still may fundamentally disagree on some things but we compromise and do our best. Just tossing out a different perspective in case that helps... I’m not sure how realistic it is in your situation, but I do know a few divorced couples who work together to set same rules for both households.