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Why Texas stomps a mudhole in West Virginia's ass

Mitch Cumsteen

By Mitch Cumsteen
in Football

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Mitch Cumsteen

Mitch Cumsteen 18524

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I don't know about you, but I could sure use a distraction from the rest of the world for a few hours. Especially a distraction like Longhorn football that has given me essentially endless joy and pride over the past ten-ish years.

So yeah,  it's time focus all of our energy and attention on the one thing that unites us all as Longhorns --  and that's beating the fuck out of West Vagina and moving our mighty Longhorns one step closer to achieving the ultimate goal of playing in the Big 12 Conference Championship game. It looks like we have to win out to get there, so we take the first step on Saturday. And by gawd, we are going to stomp a fucking mudhole right in West Virginia's tobaccy chewing, roadkill eating, couch burning, black lung having, cousin fucking, opioid dependent, below poverty line living ass.

"But Mitch Cumsteen, whenever somebody (i.e. @closetojumping) does one of these mudhole posts, it always ends up coming back to bite us in the ass. Are you trying to jinx us?

Listen up partner. If you think that I would ever do anything to purposefully tempt karma that would in any way, shape or form lead to the early dismissal of our head coach, then I don't know what to say to you.  Besides, how big of a fucking rube do you have to be to believe that something like an internet message board post could have any kind of impact on what takes place on the field? You might as well believe in the tooth fairy or the Easter Bunny. Or germ theory. All of which have been disproven by science and shit in the past year.

"But Mitchell, Coach Herman has a lousy track record as a favorite. How is he going to get his team up for the Mountaineers?" 

Look, if you can't smell what Tom Herman is cooking by now, I suggest you get a nose transplant. I don't even think that is medically possible, but I do know that Texas was plus 4 last week in turnovers and had a special teams touchdown. Clearly, we can count on that to happen again this week. And when it does, I'm pretty sure the Horns can take this West Virginia squad to overtime and then it's anybody's ballgame. I like our chances.

"Yo Cumsteen, what about all the penalties? What about the shitty offensive line? What about the missed tackles and blown coverages?

The rest of you probably don't watch any college football outside of Texas, but I do. And I can tell you, officially, that the lack of spring practice due to Covid has wreaked havoc on everybody. Poor tackling is epidemic. As is not being able to pick up simple defensive line stunts with a senior laden offensive line. Or covering an out route. And mind numbingly stupid penalties. This shit is happening to every team in college football, that's why you see schools like Bama, Clemson and Ohio State struggling every week. It's because of Covid. It's not that after four years that our team is poorly coached and unprepared. It doesn't have anything to do with that. Really.

In conclusion, West Virginia is terrible and we should win convincingly. They seem like they suck and they gargle balls.

Hook 'em.

Edited by Mitch Cumsteen
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Thiefery

Thiefery 4969

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5 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

I don't know about you, but I could sure use a distraction from the rest of the world for a few hours. Especially a distraction like Longhorn football that has given me essentially endless joy and pride over the past ten-ish years.

So yeah,  it's time focus all of our energy and attention on the one thing that unites us all as Longhorns --  and that's beating the fuck out of West Vagina and moving our mighty Longhorns one step closer to achieving the ultimate goal of playing in the Big 12 Conference Championship game. It looks like we have to win out to get there, so we take the first step on Saturday. And by gawd, we are going to stomp a fucking mudhole right in West Virginia's tobaccy chewing, roadkill eating, couch burning, black lung having, cousin fucking, opioid dependent, below poverty line living ass.

"But Mitch Cumsteen, whenever somebody (i.e. @closetojumping) does one of these mudhole posts, it always ends up coming back to bite us in the ass. Are you trying to jinx us?

Listen up partner. If you think that I would ever do anything to purposefully tempt karma that would in any way, shape or form lead to the early dismissal of our head coach, then I don't know what to say to you.  Besides, how big of a fucking rube do you have to be to believe that something like an internet message board post could have any kind of impact on what takes place on the field? You might as well believe in the tooth fairy or the Easter Bunny. Or germ theory. All of which have been disproven by science and shit in the past year.

"But Mitchell, Coach Herman has a lousy track record as a favorite. How is he going to get his team up for the Mountaineers?" 

Look, if you can't smell what Tom Herman is cooking by now, I suggest you get a nose transplant. I don't even think that is medically possible, but I do know that Texas was plus 4 last week in turnovers and had a special teams touchdown. Clearly, we can count on that to happen again this week. And when it does, I'm pretty sure the Horns can take this West Virginia squad to overtime and then it's anybody's ballgame. I like our chances.

"Yo Cumsteen, what about all the penalties? What about the shitty offensive line? What about the missed tackles and blown coverages?

The rest of you probably don't watch any college football outside of Texas, but I do. And I can tell you, officially, that the lack of spring practice due to Covid has wreaked havoc on everybody. Poor tackling is epidemic. As is not being able to pick up simple defensive line stunts with a senior laden offensive line. Or covering an out route. And mind numbingly stupid penalties. This shit is happening to every team in college football, that's why you see schools like Bama, Clemson and Ohio State struggling every week. It's because of Covid. It's not that after four years that our team is poorly coached and unprepared. It doesn't have anything to do with that. Really.

In conclusion, West Virginia is terrible and we should win convincingly. They seem like they suck and they gargle balls.

Hook 'em.

I need some more sugar with this kool-aid you are serving

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DFW Horn

DFW Horn 6118

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8 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

I don't know about you, but I could sure use a distraction from the rest of the world for a few hours. Especially a distraction like Longhorn football that has given me essentially endless joy and pride over the past ten-ish years.

You're lucky not to have been around < 2010 or you would've shit yourself with glee in the early oughts.

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High Plains Drifter

High Plains Drifter 10981

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On 11/7/2020 at 8:42 AM, Mitch Cumsteen said:

"Yo Cumsteen, what about all the penalties? What about the shitty offensive line? What about the missed tackles and blown coverages?

The rest of you probably don't watch any college football outside of Texas, but I do. And I can tell you, officially, that the lack of spring practice due to Covid has wreaked havoc on everybody. Poor tackling is epidemic. As is not being able to pick up simple defensive line stunts with a senior laden offensive line. Or covering an out route. And mind numbingly stupid penalties. This shit is happening to every team in college football, that's why you see schools like Bama, Clemson and Ohio State struggling every week. It's because of Covid. It's not that after four years that our team is poorly coached and unprepared. It doesn't have anything to do with that. Really.

 

 

THis is the truth. I feel like I'm watching high school jv games.

and the refereeing has been horrible (even more horrible than usual I mean) as well.

 

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