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Gather 'round young newbs, for a retelling of a classic Christmas story...

Beau Vine

By Beau Vine
in Daily Texan

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Beau Vine

Beau Vine 54471

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Originally posted by Wide-E-wide, 15ish (?) years ago...

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After much deliberation, I will reluctantly tell the story of my family touring the Christmas lights in Waco last week.

My wife told me about this thing at the beginning of December. To be honest I had forgotten all about it until the night before. I did not want to go. Call me a scrooge but riding around looking at electricity captured in colored bulbs is not my idea of entertainment. However, the kids were looking forward to it and apparently at some point I had agreed to do it.

This little tour got us for 6 bucks a head. My wife, her parents, our 4 kids and I all went. Now I wasn’t a math major but that's $48 to ride around in a trolley and look at lights. WTF? (I found this out the day of)

So we drive all the way the hell to downtown Waco and sit and wait for this trolley to take us on the tour. They’ve got a tree, Santa, hot cocoa- All that shit. Finally all the trolleys roll up and Shaquandra our official Christmas lights tour guide hops out and says “Y’all going to look at the lights?....(pause) Okay den let’s get our roll on!”  

My initial gripe is that the bitch is driving at mach speed and you can’t see shit but a blurry-ass Santa and the occasional Wal-Mart $9.99 wire light-up reindeer. My father-in-law asks if she could slow down a bit so that we could take pictures and appreciate the lights a little more..(his words not mine). By this time I’ve already leaned over and whispered in my wife’s ear “$48 for this shit?”  She gives me the obligatory elbow and “stop being like that”

We roll along for about 15 minutes looking at every tacky piece of shit overkill light extravaganza in East Waco. Suddenly we get on the highway and start heading to the other side of town. We ride for a good 12-15 minutes without seeing a single damn house decorated. So I lean over to the wife again and say “umm where the hell are we going?”
Elbow “shut up” and all that again. Shaquandra has Mariah Carey’s Christmas cd blasting and we just getting our roll on...and then it happened.

Signs and streets started to look really familiar. My oldest daughter says “hey there’s HEB.” As in the HEB right down the road from our house (approx. 1/2 mile)
I lean over to the wife again “This bitch better not turn right at this light!”
What does the driver do????? That’s right folks, fucking turns right and heads right to our neighborhood. Not only our neighborhood “BUT OUR FUCKING STREET!!

I am just at a loss for words by this point. I cannot believe this is happening. Street after street, house after house for a good 30 minutes. The driver is going on and on about “oooh like over thurr- look at the Santa up on the roof kids.” I know bitch “I'M THE ONE THAT FUCKING PUT HIS FAT ASS UP THERE LAST WEEK"

I can’t type this anymore it's just too painful. The point is, we spent almost $50 to look at the Christmas lights in our own damn neighborhood. My wife just hung her head in shame. I’ll be in charge of Christmas spirit next year thank you very much.

 

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God Bless Wide-E-Wide and family.

In other mistakes in his life, he was one poster, along with JTK; who invited me to the Shag from 5ATexasFootball.

Edited by slorch
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crash_davis

crash_davis 23117

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I want Spielberg to direct this movie with Tom Cruise as husband and Ellen DeGeneres as wife so that we can all boo and throw popcorn at the screen when she's on camera.

I also want to read the press release of how Tom motherfucking Cruise did his own stunt to "put his fat ass up there."

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Cheeseweasel

Cheeseweasel 26438

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6 minutes ago, crash_davis said:

I want Spielberg to direct this movie with Tom Cruise as husband and Ellen DeGeneres as wife so that we can all boo and throw popcorn at the screen when she's on camera.

I also want to read the press release of how Tom motherfucking Cruise did his own stunt to "put his fat ass up there."

Announcer voice:

"In a world where Peace On Earth doesn't exist comes a tale as old as marriage itself. Watch as Tom Motherfucking Cruise lives out the horrors of every husband who's heard the phrase "Don't worry, it will be fun, honey". Cry as you realize that "he put his fat ass up there". Weep as you realize he's still an hour drive away from being at home, while looking at his own Christmas lights. Coming to to theatres in January. Rated PG-13. Violence. Horror. Language." 

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DonkeyCigars

DonkeyCigars 143

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15 years ago it was okay to identify a black lady as a stereotype name like "Shaquandra" and "okay den".

I mean, it's hilarious and amazing still, just interesting to note the slight shifts in what was acceptable then and what is now, when it comes to race relations and what's accidentally or passively racist vs what it looks like to be an anti-racist.

Edited by DonkeyCigars
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Hate

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Announcer voice:
"In a world where Peace On Earth doesn't exist comes a tale as old as marriage itself. Watch as Tom Motherfucking Cruise lives out the horrors of every husband who's heard the phrase "Don't worry, it will be fun, honey". Cry as you realize that "he put his fat ass up there". Weep as you realize he's still an hour drive away from being at home, while looking at his own Christmas lights. Coming to to theatres in January. Rated PG-13. Violence. Horror. Language." 

The “being an hour away from being home while looking at his own Xmas lights” is perfect.
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Cheeseweasel

Cheeseweasel 26438

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2 minutes ago, DonkeyCigars said:

15 years ago it was okay to identify a black lady as a stereotype name like "Shaquandra" and "okay den".

I mean, it's hilarious and amazing still, just interesting to note the slight shifts in what was acceptable then and what is now, when it comes to race relations and what's accidentally or passively racist vs what it looks like to be an anti-racist.

EjpAvh2WkAAh7Nr.jpg.19d8f9deaf529bf3d0dfd3969c627a11.jpg

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Wally Fairway

Wally Fairway 5590

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I love this story because it is a Christmas classic and because it reminds me of the first time Mrs Fairway & I went to London. 

we are staying at a small B&B somewhere in metro London, and she books us for a day long bus tour to Bath, Stonehenge and Salisbury Cathedral. But the catch is we have to get to the bus depot by 7:30 am, so we are up early, before 6,  to get on the tube to go across London to the bus. Promptly at 7:30 the bus take off on our adventure, stopping a 3 big hotels to pick up more of us tourists, a little after 8;30 it pulls up to the last hotel which happened to be about 100 yards from our B&B and all I could do was laugh my ass of as it took us over 2 hours to go the length of a football field, and Mrs went back to get a sweater.


For the record Bath is cool, Stonehenge is super-overrated and the Cathedral was great the Magna Carta is in an anteroom of the cathedral - not really a copy as they made 4 originals and one is there for all to see.

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gsoda3

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51 minutes ago, Wally Fairway said:

I love this story because it is a Christmas classic and because it reminds me of the first time Mrs Fairway & I went to London. 
 

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we are staying at a small B&B somewhere in metro London, and she books us for a day long bus tour to Bath, Stonehenge and Salisbury Cathedral. But the catch is we have to get to the bus depot by 7:30 am, so we are up early, before 6,  to get on the tube to go across London to the bus. Promptly at 7:30 the bus take off on our adventure, stopping a 3 big hotels to pick up more of us tourists, a little after 8;30 it pulls up to the last hotel which happened to be about 100 yards from our B&B and all I could do was laugh my ass of as it took us over 2 hours to go the length of a football field, and Mrs went back to get a sweater.


For the record Bath is cool, Stonehenge is super-overrated and the Cathedral was great the Magna Carta is in an anteroom of the cathedral - not really a copy as they made 4 originals and one is there for all to see.

 

you must've been there in june or july, that's a lot to do in one day.  

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Incredulity

Incredulity 11684

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4 hours ago, DonkeyCigars said:

15 years ago it was okay to identify a black lady as a stereotype name like "Shaquandra" and "okay den".

I mean, it's hilarious and amazing still, just interesting to note the slight shifts in what was acceptable then and what is now, when it comes to race relations and what's accidentally or passively racist vs what it looks like to be an anti-racist.

Or perhaps her name was Shaquandra and she said those exact words.

 

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ABSR

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On 12/8/2020 at 11:51 AM, DonkeyCigars said:

15 years ago it was okay to identify a black lady as a stereotype name like "Shaquandra" and "okay den".

I mean, it's hilarious and amazing still, just interesting to note the slight shifts in what was acceptable then and what is now, when it comes to race relations and what's accidentally or passively racist vs what it looks like to be an anti-racist.

He never said she was black.  Just your racist assumptions I guess.

And even though I know the story, I still laugh out loud each time I read it.

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IIRC, Wide had a mixed marriage, and thus, felt very comfortable using such terminology.

That, and not so long ago, we didn't weep at the very possibility of being offended, before we as a society forgot how to fucking laugh.

 

You motherfuckers in here tryin to fuck up a good story on scorekeeping bullshit.

Edited by slorch
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