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Shart 2021: Shit Can Always Get Worse

Prepuce of Doom

By Prepuce of Doom
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Marfa Low Crown

Marfa Low Crown 2547

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Proud to be back and it just so happens I'm doing laundry today & entering 2021 with a full compliment of clean underwear. 

I bring some words of wisdom from 2020 with me; something I heard a 60 year old tell a 20 year old very recently.

"Never trust a fart over the age of 40 and never let a boner go to waste over the age of 50. ".

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Prepuce of Doom

Prepuce of Doom 21102

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Only by the grace of working from home and happening to be less than 25' from my bidet-equipped toilet at the moment of anal betrayal did I manage to technically avoid taking the first prize of the year. 

No poop in my underwear and nothing unconventional about the cleanup process so not technically a shart by my most concise definition, but I definitely shit a little bit when "farting" about a half hour ago. 

And if we're more liberal about scoring, then due to the fact that after I safely got to my bathroom and did a "was that poop?" exploratory wipe before then immediately and intentionally finishing the nascent bowel movement, then I suppose I was one plorp over the line after all...

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Chet Steadman

Chet Steadman 940

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Son of a bitch.  Checking-in on the morn of January 8th.  

Made it until mid-August last year and had not been a participant on any of the preceding threads for nearly a decade.  Now, here I am back-to-back in less than six months.  No excuses this time either.  Been eating clean and not drinking this first week of January.  

This is bad.  

Edited by Chet Steadman
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Stella Link

Stella Link 534

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Woman Projectile Poops All Over Walmart

Because She Got Caught Shoplifting

https://rare.us/rare-humor/projectile-poop-walmart/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=agora&utm_term=rhouston&utm_campaign=rhouston&fbclid=IwAR3ewQbapMq-wg3-Um9CgpxiQ_nKlnO3SN3hro_CQ8mJr98Kg-gnyJCOuCA

 

The janitor(s) who cleaned that up deserve a statue outside the store.

 

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Guest Lobo

Guest Lobo

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Had Wendy’s today for lunch in honor of our peaceful transition of power.  Farted about 9 minutes ago.   Things are getting more violent on my toilet than at the Capitol.  

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Marfa Low Crown

Marfa Low Crown 2547

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Man down. 

Broke the seal on 2021 last night but thank god I was by myself. It noticed it was a hot fart but it felt innocent enough. 
I didn't realize I'd greased one until I got up and felt that all too familiar slick between the butt cheeks as I walked.
Went upstairs to calculate the damage and found this one stained the pants too. Be careful out there.

 

FastMemorableAsiaticgreaterfreshwaterclam-max-1mb.gif

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Superhero

Superhero 8834

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The last time I actually sharted was 20 years ago. Food poisoning on NYE? Who knows. The next morning, we drove back to Austin from SA morning with my stomach growling something fierce. When we got home, I relieved myself, but then made the fateful decision to have lunch with my GF at Kirby Lane Cafe. Right after we ordered, I felt the need to fart and I stepped outside to let one go. Stepping outside was a wise choice. Letting one go was not. I sharted and had liquid shit running down my leg into my shoes. This was 2000 Anno Domini, and cell phone owner was not yet prevalent, so there was no way I could call her. Luckily we were sitting by the window, so I waddled over, and tapped on the window. On the way home, I sat on a stack of free newspapers and thankfully didn't stain my seats.

My bowels have been relatively good to me since then, but I NEARLY had another incident today.

I had dropped off my son at school and when I started feeling the pressure building. I debated whether to go home (5 minutes away) first, or just go to the office (12 minutes away). I chose the latter, clenching by butthole getting out of the car and hurriedly walking into the office. Exiting the elevator, I made a hard left directly toward the bathroom hoping for relief, but found both stalls occupied. Thankfully I heard the toilet paper roll rotating clunkily, so I knew my turn was coming. I went to my desk to drop off my backpack, gambling that no one would take my spot in line. With the first shit turtling out my sphincter, I speed walked back to the bathroom right as the previous occupant was exiting the stall. Without apologies, I shoved him out of the way, and promptly performed a pirouette onto the toilet seat, paper ass gasket be damned.

I don't recall eating so much over the weekend, but I left a newly formed volcanic island, piled two inches above the water surface. I've gone another time since, and think I'm done for the day. But I'm relieved, in many ways, that I didn't start off the week with dirty underwear.

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Prepuce of Doom

Prepuce of Doom 21102

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Doomlet isn't allowed on Surly until he's 10, but he's checking in by proxy right now while crying in the bathroom. 

He's been forcing farts for years with the reckless abandon of someone who doesn't understand the stakes of the game he's been playing, so I'm mostly just surprised that it's taken so long for the inevitable to occur. 

One soiled pair of size 4t Jurassic Park underpants in the trash... 

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Grade of D as in David

Grade of D as in David 13253

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59 minutes ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Doomlet isn't allowed on Surly until he's 10, but he's checking in by proxy right now while crying in the bathroom. 

He's been forcing farts for years with the reckless abandon of someone who doesn't understand the stakes of the game he's been playing, so I'm mostly just surprised that it's taken so long for the inevitable to occur. 

One soiled pair of size 4t Jurassic Park underpants in the trash... 

I lost some pretty sweet Spiderman underoos the same way about 40 years ago. 

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Armybrat

Armybrat 40887

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16 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Doomlet isn't allowed on Surly until he's 10, but he's checking in by proxy right now while crying in the bathroom. 

He's been forcing farts for years with the reckless abandon of someone who doesn't understand the stakes of the game he's been playing, so I'm mostly just surprised that it's taken so long for the inevitable to occur. 

One soiled pair of size 4t Jurassic Park underpants in the trash... 

Explain to him it is just a rite of passage towards manhood.

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dcbc

dcbc 14508

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[SHART FLASHBACK]

I was in law school.  I was studying for my end of first semester finals in the library.  I've been drinking coffee pretty nonstop.  I realize I have to take a piss.  So I walk to the nearest bathroom.  I'm the only one in there.  So I'm at the urinal, taking a piss, and I have to fart.  So, not thinking about it (and given the acoustics of an empty public restroom), I let her rip.  Well, I sprayed a shit that would have blown the Maxell Tape listening guy out of his chair.  I'm in shock, and I shuffle step backward into the nearest stall.  I drop my pants and drop to the seat and it's a horror show.  So ready to go to work, I turn to the toilet paper dispenser and it's empty.  So I shuffle step out of that stall, giving a backward glance to the obliterated toilet seat, and into the next stall, backing in just as a dude from my section walked into the bathroom.  He saw me and as I again sit down to go Winston Wolf on the situation, he proceeds to say hey and start to have a weird public restroom conversation (not cool).  I answer a question or two, but I think he must have gotten a whiff of the situation and cut the visit short post haste.  After using half a roll of that public restroom toilet paper, I feel like evidence of Marvin's exploded brains in my drawers, I exit the stall, drop my boxers in the trash can, and furiously wash my hands.  From there, I walked back through the library, passed several people I knew, collected my gear, and proceeded to make a 20 minute drive in my less than clean pants back to my place where a long shower ensued.

[/SHART FLASHBACK]

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'stache

'stache 21856

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Thank you to the dookie gods today. I've been gassy as hell the last two days but have successfully navigated it, farting whenever necessary and appropriate, when nobody else is around, because they've been rancid as hell. Just a few minutes ago while returning from lunch, I'm walking alone in the parking garage and feel that familiar feel, get ready to let it go, and just as I'm about to open my sphincter, "the drop" hits, hard. Like several pounds of feces water hitting the bottom of my lower intestine like a bowling ball dropped from the roof. I manage just barely to keep my butthole closed for the agonizing 4-5 minutes to get to my floor and bathroom. Then all hell broke loose, sounded like a bubling tarpit, and smelled like a rotting corpse. I'm back at my desk but can feel more bubbling. Luckily, the bathroom is right across the hall. No farting for the rest of the day. Not worth the risk. 

Edited by 'stache
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Kennythetiger

Kennythetiger 9446

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On 3/8/2021 at 1:40 PM, Superhero said:

The last time I actually sharted was 20 years ago. Food poisoning on NYE? Who knows. The next morning, we drove back to Austin from SA morning with my stomach growling something fierce. When we got home, I relieved myself, but then made the fateful decision to have lunch with my GF at Kirby Lane Cafe. Right after we ordered, I felt the need to fart and I stepped outside to let one go. Stepping outside was a wise choice. Letting one go was not. I sharted and had liquid shit running down my leg into my shoes. This was 2000 Anno Domini, and cell phone owner was not yet prevalent, so there was no way I could call her. Luckily we were sitting by the window, so I waddled over, and tapped on the window. On the way home, I sat on a stack of free newspapers and thankfully didn't stain my seats.

My bowels have been relatively good to me since then, but I NEARLY had another incident today.

I had dropped off my son at school and when I started feeling the pressure building. I debated whether to go home (5 minutes away) first, or just go to the office (12 minutes away). I chose the latter, clenching by butthole getting out of the car and hurriedly walking into the office. Exiting the elevator, I made a hard left directly toward the bathroom hoping for relief, but found both stalls occupied. Thankfully I heard the toilet paper roll rotating clunkily, so I knew my turn was coming. I went to my desk to drop off my backpack, gambling that no one would take my spot in line. With the first shit turtling out my sphincter, I speed walked back to the bathroom right as the previous occupant was exiting the stall. Without apologies, I shoved him out of the way, and promptly performed a pirouette onto the toilet seat, paper ass gasket be damned.

I don't recall eating so much over the weekend, but I left a newly formed volcanic island, piled two inches above the water surface. I've gone another time since, and think I'm done for the day. But I'm relieved, in many ways, that I didn't start off the week with dirty underwear.

Man. I can’t think of much more that grosses me out more than a warm toilet seat. 

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DeweyCox

DeweyCox 366

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I was working on the build of a high school in Keller back around ‘98 when I had the most awful, shitty experience. Tons of illegals working on this job...so the # of workers reported was far less than the number actually working on-site. This led to there being only two porta-shitters brought in to be split between about 300 working men. Mostly Hispanic. With one roach-coach slapping out REAL Mexican food, all day long. You know what I’m talking about. In 100°+ heat. So, I get me some menudo and a couple street tacos and, inevitably, have to make a run to the shitter. There’s a line. Seemed like I waited for days but was probably just a minute or two. It did give me opportunity to work in some major butt-flex exercise, at least. Finally, the indicator on the door slides from red to green. It’s my turn. Thank you Jesus! Help me take three steps, half-turn and drop trou before my butthole gives out. I get in that stanky sumbitch and there ain’t no turd paper, shit is plum to the bottom of the seat. It barely even has a hint of that blue liquid deodorizer left working. At this point, all the diarrhea, semi-solid deuces and the occasional floating log have turned what once looked a lot like Bora Bora into what now resembled a goats ass in College Station. I was gonna have to hover. As soon as I started dropping my drawers, I was blowing shit everywhere. Seemed to be the trendy thing to do. Flies were all up on my face and nose...one of them even stuck his shit-covered paws right up in my nostril. Stanky, big time. Hard to breathe. Finally got my ass and legs cleaned up alright when I felt a good solid turd coming to salvage a little dignity. That sucker came in like a wrecking ball! A cannonball!!! Splashed everybody’s shit all up on my ass. The worst part...I felt it splash all up on my butthole. I spiraled into terrible depression for about six months. I’m better now, most days. 

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Marfa Low Crown

Marfa Low Crown 2547

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Mother. Fucker.

Again, all sharts are inherently rooted in deception. 
 

Seemed innocent enough on the ride home & I knew in that instant this one was going straight through to ink my pants. Maybe even the car seat. By the time I got home... 

Both. 
 

Waddled bow legged into the house with absolutely no dignity and straight into the downstairs guest bathroom to finish the job. I never use this bathroom. 
 

we had family in town the last few days and some godless fucker left the toilet paper roll completely empty with no back up after I had already blown mud. I guess if there is a lesson learned here it’s to check your supply first.

After inspecting my boxer shorts and realizing they appeared to have been hit with an artistic touch from a squeeze bottle of Thai peanut dressing I thought to myself well just fuck it. 

So I used my own underwear to wipe my ass and then promptly threw everything into the washer.

stay alert out there

trust no one

trust no fart 

Marfa out. God bless 

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Hate

Hate 20142

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Mother. Fucker.
Again, all sharts are inherently rooted in deception. 
 
Seemed innocent enough on the ride home & I knew in that instant this one was going straight through to ink my pants. Maybe even the car seat. By the time I got home... 
Both. 
 
Waddled bow legged into the house with absolutely no dignity and straight into the downstairs guest bathroom to finish the job. I never use this bathroom. 
 
we had family in town the last few days and some godless fucker left the toilet paper roll completely empty with no back up after I had already blown mud. I guess if there is a lesson learned here it’s to check your supply first.
After inspecting my boxer shorts and realizing they appeared to have been hit with an artistic touch from a squeeze bottle of Thai peanut dressing I thought to myself well just fuck it. 
So I used my own underwear to wipe my ass and then promptly threw everything into the washer.
stay alert out there
trust no one
trust no fart 
Marfa out. God bless 

The actual lesson was to have a bidet.
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Marfa Low Crown

Marfa Low Crown 2547

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2 hours ago, futureman said:

oh I’m sorry, the answer we were looking for was “garbage.”

What do you want? It’s a big drum HE washer & if one Tide pod can’t undo my indescretions on two articles of clothing what will? 

 

1 hour ago, Hate said:


The actual lesson was to have a bidet.

no arguments here 

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Prepuce of Doom

Prepuce of Doom 21102

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Maybe we all have different thresholds for when a garment is too beshitted to merit an attempt at resurrection, but I have a hard time envisioning a circumstance when I've enshitted my underwear, pants/shorts, and car seat, and yet for it not to be such a crime scene that it was a no-brainer to ditch the tainted clothes. 

But you doodoo you, dude - this is a judgment-free zone! 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom
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