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Shit Towns of America

MaybeACoordinator

By MaybeACoordinator
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MaybeACoordinator

MaybeACoordinator 8349

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After trashing their homelands, an Aussie and a Kiwi come to America and lay waste to our "Shit Towns."

Baton Rouge

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Baton Rouge is also home to LSU (a.k.a. Louisiana Sports University) one of the South’s premier adolescent alcohol abuse facilities that also grants its inmates a degree if they are able to survive four years of public intoxication, alcohol poisoning and pretending to sit exams. LSU attracts a wide swathe of Louisiana residents ranging from illiterate rednecks to roided up frat boys to wannabe Southern belles. A popular pastime for LSU students is cheering on the Tigers, a team of unpaid amateurs who take part in a violent bloodsport for the amusement of their fellow yokels. Geaux Tigers!

Tallahassee

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Tallahassee is the state capital of Florida which means it's also the world capital of Medicare fraud, swamp ass and toddlers with parole officers. Formerly the centre of Florida’s slave trade and crammed in the Florida panhandle up near Georgia’s butt, Tallahassee is also the most authentically Southern city in Florida, which means ‘Tally’ manages to combine the worst aspects of Southern rednecks and Floridian ratshitness. The city features a staggering number of Tallahassholes who met, got married and conceived their first child in a Walmart (sometimes all in the same visit).

‘Tallanasty’ is also home to Florida State, one of America’s pre-eminent party colleges where fortunate students can rack up an eye-watering amount of debt while engaging in the state sport of alcohol poisoning. FSU is infested with packs of steroid-abusing frat boys stuffed into pastel polo shirts who spend most of their time preying on gaggles of heavily intoxicated sorority girls who in turn spend most of their time trying to take the perfect Instagram selfie without their tit falling out or getting impregnated by a future pro athlete.

New Orleans

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Despite being wedged into America’s taint, New Orleans is famous for its ‘old world ambience’ which is fitting if by ‘old world ambience’ you mean dirty streets, crumbling facades and a slew of communicable diseases that had previously been eradicated by modern medicine.

The biggest attraction in ‘Ew Orleans’ is Bourbon Street which is essentially Disneyland for adults only Mickey Mouse is wrecked on ketamine, Goofy picks your pocket while you are having a sneaky chunder and Minnie Mouse is trying to get you to pay double for anal.

Popular activities on Bourbon Street include public urination, drinking comically oversized overproof cocktails out of novelty vessels and punching a police horse.

 

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MaybeACoordinator

MaybeACoordinator 8349

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Shreveport was their first target....Their write up is not as good as later ones.

 

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Straddling the Red River and home to a horrifying combination of rednecks, crawfish and inbreds Shreveport is often described as a ‘melting pot of southern culture’ which means it is home to a heady combo of Texas conservatism, Louisiana racism and Arkansas meth. In 2018 Shreveport managed the neat trick of being named the ‘worst place to live in Louisiana’ which is a little bit like being named the ‘worst root in the cell block’. Famous for gun crime, swamp ass and crippling boredom, Shreveport decided to revitalize their economy in the early nineties by opening a riverboat casino because someone decided it wasn’t home to enough Southern stereotypes....

The most popular event on the calendar is Shreveport’s version of Mardi Gras which is exactly like New Orleans Mardi Gras except worse in every conceivable way. If you want to hook up with a morbidly obese Walmart cashier in a feather boa and a glittery mask then Shreveport Mardi Gras will make all your dreams come true.

 

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Scooter Monzingo

Scooter Monzingo 821

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6 hours ago, Doc Reeves said:

Aussies don’t drink as much as you’d think. Lots of uptight religious types over there in the rural areas. 
 

Everyone over 12yrs all smoke like fucking tire fires tho. 

I guess experiences are different. During my time there, drinking was all they fucking did. Well that and trying to not die by a fucking bizarre killer spider.

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Doc Reeves

Doc Reeves 6434

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38 minutes ago, Cheeseweasel said:

You sure? I lived there for 6 months and it seemed like everyone in public was either shitfaced or on their way to shitfaced.

 I don’t mean to imply they aren’t plenty of drinkers just that it’s not as homogeneous as you’d think. I was just surprised at the large group of heavily religious people who don’t. Definitely an East Texas vibe at times. 

as I said, everyone smokes tho
 

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Doc Reeves

Doc Reeves 6434

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24 minutes ago, Cheeseweasel said:

Many South Africans emigrating there & many of them are more religious than the Aussies. 

 I’ve heard a tiny bit about that, damn. It would seem there’s a correlation between how brutal and deadly the place you live is and how puritanically crazy some people become

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Al_4_ISU

Al_4_ISU 12500

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Madison and Des Moines are routinely ranked among the best places to live in the country, and both towns are a ton of fun.  I'm not sure these guys actually went to either.

And I get that parts of New Orleans are run down, but if you think that place is a "shit town", you're out of your god damn mind.  It's one of the most culturally unique and wildly entertaining places on the planet.  And the food.  Mercy.

Edited by Al_4_ISU
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crash_davis

crash_davis 23115

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6 minutes ago, Al_4_ISU said:

And I get that parts of New Orleans are run down, but if you think that place is a "shit town", you're out of your god damn mind.  It's one of the most culturally unique and wildly entertaining places on the planet.  And the food.  Mercy.

Living vs visiting are two different things. When I want a cheap, trashy version of a Vegas trip, I hit up NO. But there's no way in fucking hell that I would live there. But then again, I wouldn't live in Vegas area either.

 

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MaybeACoordinator

MaybeACoordinator 8349

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26 minutes ago, Doc Reeves said:

 I’ve heard a tiny bit about that, damn. It would seem there’s a correlation between how brutal and deadly the place you live is and how puritanically crazy some people become

Yeah, I agree. I have this pet theory that there is a strong correspondence between annual number of tornadoes and insane fanatic Christianity...Hence near the coast in the Deep South, where there is not enough cold air to spawn tornadoes, the people are relatively heathenish but as you go more inland they get freakier and freakier, culminating in places like north Alabama, most of Tennessee, and all of Oklahoma and Kansas. It's understandable as tornadoes are horrifying. Give me 12 Cat-5 hurricanes over one fucking mediocre tornado. 

15 minutes ago, Al_4_ISU said:

Madison and Des Moines are routinely ranked among the best places to live in the country, and both towns are a ton of fun.  I'm not sure these guys actually went to either.

And I get that parts of New Orleans are run down, but if you think that place is a "shit town", you're out of your god damn mind.  It's one of the most culturally unique and wildly entertaining places on the planet.  And the food.  Mercy.

Yeah, I think their approach is kind of muddled. It's like "Why Your Team Sucks" in that they seem to want to trash every town in the world, just as Magary writes about how the Bengals and Chiefs suck equally when clearly one team, on the field at least, does not suck at all. And so these guys will lump in Madison and New Orleans, which don't suck for different reasons, with Shreveport and other shitholes. I've only glanced at their international work, and I saw they did a Shit Town: Munich, and while I've not been there, it doesn't seem like it's worthy of being lumped in with Shreveport, Mitchell, SD ("the Dakota that fucks," they called it); or Kingman, AZ. 

Somehow it works for Magary in a way it doesn't quite for these guys.

Edited by MaybeACoordinator
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MaybeACoordinator

MaybeACoordinator 8349

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9 hours ago, Doc Reeves said:

Aussies don’t drink as much as you’d think. Lots of uptight religious types over there in the rural areas. 
 

Everyone over 12yrs all smoke like fucking tire fires tho. 

Ireland has more teetotalers, percentage-wise, than any country in Europe, but the rest of them make up for it. 

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ztejas

ztejas 43546

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33 minutes ago, Al_4_ISU said:

Madison and Des Moines are routinely ranked among the best places to live in the country, and both towns are a ton of fun.  I'm not sure these guys actually went to either.

And I get that parts of New Orleans are run down, but if you think that place is a "shit town", you're out of your god damn mind.  It's one of the most culturally unique and wildly entertaining places on the planet.  And the food.  Mercy.

I've never understood this board's fascination with New Orleans. Then again, you think Des Moines is one of the best cities in the country so maybe I'll take your opinion with a grain of salt.

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MaybeACoordinator

MaybeACoordinator 8349

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10 hours ago, Doc Reeves said:

Aussies don’t drink as much as you’d think. Lots of uptight religious types over there in the rural areas. 
 

Everyone over 12yrs all smoke like fucking tire fires tho. 

I was a kibbutz volunteer for seven months back in 1993-94....Back then, on the two kibbutzim I was on at least, very few of the volunteers were Jewish (I am not, either) but instead sort of aimless riff raff from all over the world, though mainly Scandinavia, the UK & Ireland, Australia and New Zealand, and South Africa. It was kind of like the French Foreign Legion, without a years-long commitment, the promise of French citizenship, or getting yelled at by Bulgarian drill sergeants. (Instead we were yelled at by Israelis.) But it was the same in that all of us were running from something and wanted to stay gone from our home countries for as long as we could. (We sure didn't do it for the money -- we worked six days a week for about 20 dollars in shekels.)

Anyway, we did a lot of drinking and it did seem like the Aussies had the edge on everyone else, but not by a whole lot. Kiwis drink much less. English and Irish come close to the Aussies. 

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RDCanecutter

RDCanecutter 26476

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I don't think they are actually visiting any of the shit towns.

Not because the shit towns are not shit towns, but because the shit they write about the shit towns just sound like things you could pick up anywhere online, digested for a minute and then Aussie'd up.

If they had gone there in person, I would expect their descriptions to be chunkier, full of real-life peanuts and corn kernals.

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Hornius Emeritus

Hornius Emeritus 12491

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26 minutes ago, ztejas said:

I've never understood this board's fascination with New Orleans. Then again, you think Des Moines is one of the best cities in the country so maybe I'll take your opinion with a grain of salt.

 

Des Moines is the new Nashville and Nashville is the new Austin.

Advantage: Cyclones

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Al_4_ISU

Al_4_ISU 12500

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31 minutes ago, ztejas said:

I've never understood this board's fascination with New Orleans. Then again, you think Des Moines is one of the best cities in the country so maybe I'll take your opinion with a grain of salt.

I don't think Des Moines is one of the best cities in the country.  I'm saying that it's frequently rated one of the best places to live in the country.  That's not at all the same thing, but I guess if you're going to read it that way, I can't help it.  I think Des Moines is really nice and punches way above it's weight class, but at the end of the day it's a metro of 650,000 out on the prairie in the middle of nowhere.  It has (and always will have) it's limitations.  I'm guessing you've never actually spent time in Des Moines.

Then again, you think New Orleans sucks, so maybe I'll take your opinion with a grain of salt.

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Al_4_ISU

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15 minutes ago, RDCanecutter said:

I don't think they are actually visiting any of the shit towns.

Not because the shit towns are not shit towns, but because the shit they write about the shit towns just sound like things you could pick up anywhere online, digested for a minute and then Aussie'd up.

If they had gone there in person, I would expect their descriptions to be chunkier, full of real-life peanuts and corn kernals.

Right.  Their description of Des Moines would be reasonably accurate of a lot of places in Iowa.  Just not the one they "visited".  And like you said, they would have far more specific descriptions of what they encountered.

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ztejas

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12 minutes ago, Al_4_ISU said:

I don't think Des Moines is one of the best cities in the country.  I'm saying that it's frequently rated one of the best places to live in the country.  That's not at all the same thing, but I guess if you're going to read it that way, I can't help it.  I think Des Moines is really nice and punches way above it's weight class, but at the end of the day it's a metro of 650,000 out on the prairie in the middle of nowhere.  It has (and always will have) it's limitations.  I'm guessing you've never actually spent time in Des Moines.

Then again, you think New Orleans sucks, so maybe I'll take your opinion with a grain of salt.

I don't think NOLA sucks, I just think it verges on overrated 'round these parts. It can be a shit town in many senses (and is, if we're going to be objective here) and still be a fun way to spend a weekend. Some people here seem to think it's the greatest place in America.

Of course I've never spent time in Des Moines. Why the fuck would I spend time in Des Moines? I do think Iowa is full of good people and that tends to color my impression of places quite a bit. I'm sure it's a fine place to raise a family. If I'm ever up there I'll report back.

Regardless, I don't think anything these guys have written is meant to be taken that seriously. I could write something similarly scathing about Austin or Dallas - that doesn't make them shitty cities or places that no one should ever live. I took a jab at you because I thought the NOLA blurb was spot on and hilarious but also expected to find the "NOLA is actually amazing, though" comment(s) here and wasn't disappointed.

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Al_4_ISU

Al_4_ISU 12500

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10 minutes ago, ztejas said:

I don't think NOLA sucks, I just think it verges on overrated 'round these parts. It can be a shit town in many senses (and is, if we're going to be objective here) and still be a fun way to spend a weekend. Some people here seem to think it's the greatest place in America.

Of course I've never spent time in Des Moines. Why the fuck would I spend time in Des Moines? I do think Iowa is full of good people and that tends to color my impression of places quite a bit. I'm sure it's a fine place to raise a family. If I'm ever up there I'll report back.

Regardless, I don't think anything these guys have written is meant to be taken that seriously. I could write something similarly scathing about Austin or Dallas - that doesn't make them shitty cities or places that no one should ever live. I took a jab at you because I thought the NOLA blurb was spot on and hilarious but also expected to find the "NOLA is actually amazing, though" comment(s) here and wasn't disappointed.

Well, your initial response to mine significantly mischaracterized my point, and passed some strong judgment along the way.  Which implied you had some sort of knowledge beyond a general public perception.

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Al_4_ISU

Al_4_ISU 12500

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40 minutes ago, ztejas said:

I don't think NOLA sucks, I just think it verges on overrated 'round these parts. It can be a shit town in many senses (and is, if we're going to be objective here) and still be a fun way to spend a weekend. Some people here seem to think it's the greatest place in America.

Of course I've never spent time in Des Moines. Why the fuck would I spend time in Des Moines? I do think Iowa is full of good people and that tends to color my impression of places quite a bit. I'm sure it's a fine place to raise a family. If I'm ever up there I'll report back.

Regardless, I don't think anything these guys have written is meant to be taken that seriously. I could write something similarly scathing about Austin or Dallas - that doesn't make them shitty cities or places that no one should ever live. I took a jab at you because I thought the NOLA blurb was spot on and hilarious but also expected to find the "NOLA is actually amazing, though" comment(s) here and wasn't disappointed.

Plenty of truth there.

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