Should I care if... If my wife's Father breaks his hip? Family dynamics and avoidance of reality for elderly parents.

[horn4life 3838]

OK my darkness of reality... got you to read this.  Now first off, I KNOW they all care. But damn, I guess it really is fucking easy to wait for somebody else to be in the emergency room, and hope that SOMEBODY, ANYBODY but me has to deal with it.  But god damn it. The ability for everybody to pretend that everything is fine. Just blows my fucking mind.  Now I am the asshole, I tell the truth.  Something most folks hate, but fuck, it's the truth.  My wife is as good as ANY man could ever, ever hope for.  From both the looks (no pics) and kindness perspective. But the entire family of 5 kids is going to ALL profess that they were worried, and very concerned... Right after I try for the 20th week in a row to pick up their father who has fallen again.

I KNOW that the worry, the concern, the regret,  will all be expressed AFTER I try to pick up my wife'e father once again, and that Hip is broken. From a fall that ALL THE FUCKING SIBLINGS KNOW IS A REGULAR EVENT. But... facebook, phone, work, fishing, traveling, and just NOT BEING HONEST... made this particular future broken hip sort of like ERCOT, who could have thought... And it's really nobody's fault.

I honestly apologize for even posting this.  But I do NOT fucking understand a process that is,  well... dad will eventually fall waiting on mom... and we will figure it out then... I know that issues with parents are hard.   Luckily I have only myself and my sister, and my parents know I am a dick, but a caring and honest dick.  I just do not understand how for some families, that the love for the alpha, just waits on a broken hip for the other spouse.

AGAIN, I AM SO SORRY FOR POSTING THIS.  But the anger that wells up in me, and KNOWING I will soon be trying to pick up a good man, w=and discover he has a broken hip, because they kids simply are too cowardly to address reality. That is so fucking sad.  And I know that everyone will be so sad, so upset, so concerned, so willing to help.. after that particular man's hip is broken. 

The cowardice of willing to be honest simply fucking disgusts me. 

Edited February 23, 2021 by horn4life

[Spur08 384]

Dude, shut the fuck up and post pics of your wife..and her sisters if she has any

[horn4life 3838]

3 minutes ago, Spur08 said:

Dude, shut the fuck up and post pics of your wife..and her sisters if she has any

How about you suck my dick asshole.  And I know you haven't seen a lot of pussy... not on the internet.  But if you slip, and break you hip while yanking as always... I will advocate for someone in your family to pick your sad naked ass up off the ground.

 

[Spur08 384]

My internet cookies tell another story..

[horn4life 3838]

17 minutes ago, Spur08 said:

My internet cookies tell another story..

Sounds like the beginning of a 60 minutes Expose on the lonely guy carpel tunnel masturbation story...

 

[Spur08 384]

Sounds like the beginning of a 60 minutes Expose on the lonely guy carpel tunnel masturbation story...
 

Narrated by Lesley Stahl

[horn4life 3838]

Fuck- sorry all- I was serious, and engaged a moron.

But anyone else frustrated with the endless inability to simply ignore the reality of their parents situation?  It's a fucking shitty conversation.  But I have had some dark conversations with friends and family.  Simply as honesty is the light!!!!  I just do not understand the inability to be honest with those you love most.  My wife will be the one that forces honestly. But fuck, that honestly thing.... Doing the hard thing is never easy.  But doing the right thing is often hard.

[horn4life 3838]

10 minutes ago, Spur08 said:

14 minutes ago, horn4life said:

Sounds like the beginning of a 60 minutes Expose on the lonely guy carpel tunnel masturbation story...
 

Narrated by Lesley Stahl

Another one of your pre-ejaculation stories?  But Stahl... does fit... 

 

Damn Jack Daniels... Honestly Spur08, I am a great wingman and might be able to get your from carpel tunnel, into the slippery tunnel. 

Edited February 23, 2021 by horn4life

[Baboontyme 2883]

I would be happy to offer helpful suggestions if I understood what was going on. No judging but maybe try again tomorrow sober. Cheers! 

[Horn Under a Bad Sign 20925]

9 hours ago, Baboontyme said:

I would be happy to offer helpful suggestions if I understood what was going on. No judging but maybe try again tomorrow sober. Cheers! 

 

I am in the same boat. I have absolutely no idea what the the rant is about other than somebody's father has broken his hip, apparently.

[MissingInAction 25558]

This is true in my family as well. My father is nearing 70 and has become an emotional toddler. Watch any video of trump dealing with the press and that is the best comparison. He frankly should never be in public because the stupid shit he says and does will eventually land on the wrong ears.

I'm the only one in the family to call him out on it, and it's because I'm the only one who never begs him for money. Luckily my mother has a supply of xanax to help her out.

[Onboard 2.0 9083]

Sounds like siblings are in denial, and or are not helping their father.  This hits close to home, just went thru health issues with my father, and didn't really have a lot of assistance from the younger siblings other than just words.

[UTPhil2006 3930]

21 minutes ago, Horn Under a Bad Sign said:

 

I am in the same boat. I have absolutely no idea what the the rant is about other than somebody's father has broken his hip, apparently.

The follow up anger was pretty entertaining at least

[horn4life 3838]

First off the title was dramatic, but it needs to be.

Since we are the closest, about a half mile away, we are the primary support.  NOT that my wife's other siblings won't or can't, but it's just who are they gonna call if something bad happens?  Us or the 911?  

I know also that dealing with a parents decline is one of the toughest things any of us will likely ever do.  I guess I just feel closer to it because now when I get a phone call from them my blood pressure rises and heart begins to race a little.  Honestly this stuff all came up last year, and they were considering moving to a assisted living facility, but then covid.  I don't have the correct answer, but the siblings need to be actively talking about what to do, and formulate a plan.

I just want the little old guy to get what little quality of life he can for as long as he can.  My mother in law does NOT want to leave her home. He has always been happy to consider assisted living. She lives basically a broken back and a pain pump he does most of the getting up to get coffee, water, get the door etc.  I just think he gets tuckered out.  Pretty severe edema in his left leg was also a big concern yesterday.  Right now they have somebody come in like once a week I think.  I think they need somebody nearly everyday for a few hours but that is probably not what will happen.  I am going to try and push the wife to push the kids to talk them into getting more assistance a couple times a week.  In the hope that perhaps that bit of extra support will allow him to not have to do so much and not get so fatigued that it results in a Fall.  

Sorry for the midnight Jack rant. But if I do really love that old guy and right now when that phone rings I pray, "Hope this isn't it."

Edited February 23, 2021 by horn4life

[Aqua Buddha 14806]

This level of denial happens in almost every family.  Only differences are the details.

[Reagan1k 3042]

One thing I figured out when dealing with my wife/her parents and her with me/my parents is that the is a difference in how the "outsider" sees and deals with things vs. the blood relative.

What seemed painfully obvious to me as simple, practical solutions for her parents were emotional and uneasy for her.  Vice versa when we dealt with mine.

There are layers of guilt, denial, family dynamics, and a 50-60-70 year history of behaviors there that make what appear to be simple decisions very complicated.

Parents don't want to listen to advice on money, sex, healthcare etc. from someone who's ass they wiped for years.  Children don't want to upset the apple cart and open closets full of skeletons (real or perceived), etc.

My experience has been that a true outsider's recommendation (not a spouse/in-law) will hold more weight and break through some of the constraints that otherwise bring emotion into the equation.  If the other family members are lazy, do-nothing, etc....nothing will work, but often in the case of simple denial, it's an emotional, protective instinct that needs to be chipped away by a 3rd party, outside influencer.

I know my wife and I had multiple things that we would say/do that were met with resistance or discarded as silly; only to have a 3rd party say the same thing and it became gospel as if it was the first time they'd hear it.

Edited February 23, 2021 by Reagan1k

[horn4life 3838]

24 minutes ago, Reagan1k said:

One thing I figured out when dealing with my wife/her parents and her with me/my parents is that the is a difference in how the "outsider" sees and deals with things vs. the blood relative.

What seemed painfully obvious to me as simple, practical solutions for her parents were emotional and uneasy for her.  Vice versa when we dealt with mine.

There are layers of guilt, denial, family dynamics, and a 50-60-70 year history of behaviors there that make what appear to be simple decisions very complicated.

Parents don't want to listen to advice on money, sex, healthcare etc. from someone who's ass they wiped for years.  Children don't want to upset the apple cart and open closets full of skeletons (real or perceived), etc.

My experience has been that a true outsider's recommendation (not a spouse/in-law) will hold more weight and break through some of the constraints that otherwise bring emotion into the equation.  If the other family members are lazy, do-nothing, etc....nothing will work, but often in the case of simple denial, it's an emotional, protective instinct that needs to be chipped away by a 3rd party, outside influencer.

I know my wife and I had multiple things that we would say/do that were met with resistance or discarded as silly; only to have a 3rd party say the same thing and it became gospel as if it was the first time they'd hear it.

Good post. My wife is sort of the "outside expert" because of her job as a pharmacist consultant to longterm care facilities and assisted living units.  Like I said she got the ball rolling and her younger brother who already went though this with his wife's family and all the other siblings were supportive, save one that is the farthest away and she also came around as I remember it.  But hell, had they gone and died from covid then we would all be second guessing ourselves.

The good news for me is that my folks are pretty darn realistic about end of life.  Dad just turned 90 and for the first time ever leased a car, a three year lease.  He figures that the extra whistles and bells of warning systems and computer help stopping would be worth it.  Both have DNR's etc. My folks luckily are still in good shape, but them living in Temple makes me nervous. My Mom is heading down the memory and word finding path, and my dad is still sharp as a tack. Physically they are both in fairly good shape, though my mom has a couple fused vertebrae in her neck, both have no problem going up and down stairs every day in their two story home. Hope I get more of my Dad's genes. 

I am a LOT more straightforward than most people. Simply as it's easier for me to be honest.  Telling your friends for example things they need to hear, but don't want to hear is something that I have done more than a few times.  Better to be honest and gently hurt someone, because you love them enough to try and help them see the light.  And NO!!! Nobody likes that, especially me, but when it comes from a place of love you gotta listen.

[blacklab 12065]

When my dad was getting up there and didn't have long to live I would simply ask him very blunt questions of what he wanted to have happen. My sister and step mom would just beat around the bush and guess. Once he told me he wanted to stay in his house till he died I looked up options and made it happen. 

A broken hip can be a death sentence for older folks. Get someone to come every day for a few hours, it will be a huge quality of life advancement for them. 

[washparkhorn 9973]

Dumb question immunity, but sincere:  Is your father-in-law using a cane/walker?  That is far too many falls for anyone, let alone someone older (hips/head injury/falling somewhere remote and not being found). 

Sounds like you have a great spouse. Your job is to be supportive of her needs (and it sounds like you know this and are practicing it already). You are good man, Charlie Brown.  

And blacklab's advice is spot-on.  As the in law spouse, you may be better able to speak with your wife's parents about how they want to live out their lives.   Best wishes to you and yours. 

[blacklab 12065]

And to add to that, have options ready when they answer, "Oh, I don't know, whatever."

Option 1 - have somebody come to the house for a few hours a day
Option 2 - assisted care living center that is basically an apartment that is attached to a nursing home and they can cook their own meals or go down to the cafeteria if they don't feel like cooking
Option 3 - full care
etc....

Then once they've heard some options it will be easier to guide them into the best one for them.

There are many options out there, and someone coming to the house a few hours a day is much cheaper than a nursing home or a broken hip. If the siblings in law balk at coughing up some dough then tell them they are responsible for a few hours a few days a week.

I was kinda a dick about it, but my dad really appreciated it and my sister wrote a letter thanking me after it was all over for just taking charge and making sure dad got what he wanted, even though it may not have aligned with my step mom.

 

[mchookem 16769]

after going thru an extended illness/hospital stay with my mom, over a year, which ended with her death...my dad promised to do his best to just drop dead of a sudden unexpected heart attack in the middle of doing some ranch chores, which is how his father went ❤

[Guest]

My mom is 83, recently widowed( not my dad.).  i have posted some about her on the board, most recently with prepping her house for the winter storm last week.  We moved back up to West Texas 2 years ago so that we could be closer to family. We had about 6 months with my MIL who died of Alzheimers, and we both have siblings in the area.

I get extremely frustrated with one of my brothers who never does anything related to our mom without me first having to prompt him.  Zero awareness.  Zero inclination to gain any awareness.  He lives 20 miles from her. He might come see her one day a month, and never does anything around her place to help and offers to run zero errands/ whatever. Our oldest brother is in Denver and calls about twice a year.  He is and always has been Mom's favorite.  2 fucking calls a year.  To his credit, he does send cash to help her. Meanwhile, I live 90 miles away and drive down every weekend to visit.  I have done extensive repairs/ upkeep in the past 4-5 months, that I was not allowed to do while her husband was alive.  Last week they had a memorial for him, and we drove down, got Mom and took her.  My brother no-showed after I had confirmed with him the day prior that he knew when/ where.

I was sharing this situation with a co-worker who has known me for 25 years or so.  I was bitching and complaining and finally he just looked at me and said, "That's why you are here now.  Your mom is getting what she needs." It was an extremely positive slap in the face to snap out of it, as Cher would say.  Stop wallowing in the bullshit and enjoy the time I get with my mom.  For that mindset, I am grateful and at peace.  Sometimes, ya just gotta STFU and accept your blessings.

I know that's different from the OP's situation, with whom I could identify through my MIL's ordeal.  Caring for our older loved ones can be tricky...  I just remind myself, "What's best for her and what can I allow myself to live with?"  It's tough, but rewarding.

Edited February 25, 2021 by slorch

[blacklab 12065]

Don't worry about what you can't control. Your brothers are set in their ways and are not going to change. You are not going to change them.

Just be there for her and ask her how you can help and spend time with her while you can.

[horn4life 3838]

17 hours ago, blacklab said:

And to add to that, have options ready when they answer, "Oh, I don't know, whatever."

Option 1 - have somebody come to the house for a few hours a day
Option 2 - assisted care living center that is basically an apartment that is attached to a nursing home and they can cook their own meals or go down to the cafeteria if they don't feel like cooking
Option 3 - full care
etc....

Then once they've heard some options it will be easier to guide them into the best one for them.

There are many options out there, and someone coming to the house a few hours a day is much cheaper than a nursing home or a broken hip. If the siblings in law balk at coughing up some dough then tell them they are responsible for a few hours a few days a week.

I was kinda a dick about it, but my dad really appreciated it and my sister wrote a letter thanking me after it was all over for just taking charge and making sure dad got what he wanted, even though it may not have aligned with my step mom.

 

Yeah.... I am kind of the "dick about it" guy.  I let them have it pretty good last year, while picking him up from a fall.  Basically I said what nobody else would say. "first I ask where is your cane (now walker)? Which of course is never within reach.  He had a bad outcome on a brain surgery that stroked him and one of the side effects is that his brain is overly optimistic about his capabilities.  So SHE needs to always ride him about using his support to move around.

We Actually had the assisted living picked out near their church and they were pretty close (seemingly) to making that move then covid.  They have a woman that comes in one a week. And she has extra time on the weekends she can come in. But we do not need the weekends, because usually one of the kids other than us comes over to give some support and visit.  I think they should have somebody come in every day.  Or at least 3 days a week. Thankfully the weekend accommodation suggested by the current maid/ helper was shot down by my wife and her brothers. , I think.

Anyhow they are all talking about it now with renewed vigor after my confronting my wife.  It's not her fault, but this is one instance where she is going to have to be the lead dog. With us getting them vaccines the worry about us or somebody else accidentally killing them from covid has receded to some degree. but the new variants may degrade that.  But the barriers to having more people in their home has fallen in the eyes of most everyone.  Unfortunately both are having circulation issues in their legs.  My MIL apparently had no circulation into one toe.  And they were doing an ultrasound on the FIL to see why there is so much edema in his left leg to see if there is a clot.  He has had clots in he leg before, and had a saddle pulmonary embolism a few years ago.  Which was basically a large gelatinous longhorn looking clot branching across his heart, which he was very, very lucky to not have permanently debilitate him.  I have a feeling the outcome from these scans is going to also help push the kids towards more forcing their parents to get additional home support.  Assisted living would honestly be best for both of them.

As Asshole horn4life said a year ago. "One of these days I am going to come over here and try to pick him up and he is going to writhe in pain.  It will be a hip and FIL will go to the hospital and then a nursing home with the current plan."  And "MIL you are going to go to an assisted living because you simply cannot function by yourself." It was harsh, but somebody had to say it.  The alternative is to move TOGETHER into an assisted living near their church, and likely he will use his walker, and so will she.  THey will get the daily help they need, with the option to have a nurse assist them. 

They have the means for a private nurse to come in even daily, but I think for him the stimulation would help him a lot in an assisted living.

THANKS for all the positive responses.  

 

Edited February 25, 2021 by horn4life

[TexasEd 8266]

On 2/22/2021 at 9:57 PM, horn4life said:

I honestly apologize for even posting this.  But I do NOT fucking understand a process that is,  well... dad will eventually fall waiting on mom... and we will figure it out then... I know that issues with parents are hard.   Luckily I have only myself and my sister, and my parents know I am a dick, but a caring and honest dick.  I just do not understand how for some families, that the love for the alpha, just waits on a broken hip for the other spouse.

Reading between the lines:  MIL is the alpha but disabled herself so FIL is waiting on her all day and unstable?

 

On 2/23/2021 at 9:32 AM, horn4life said:

I just want the little old guy to get what little quality of life he can for as long as he can.  My mother in law does NOT want to leave her home. He has always been happy to consider assisted living. She lives basically a broken back and a pain pump he does most of the getting up to get coffee, water, get the door etc.  I just think he gets tuckered out.  Pretty severe edema in his left leg was also a big concern yesterday.  Right now they have somebody come in like once a week I think.  I think they need somebody nearly everyday for a few hours but that is probably not what will happen.  I am going to try and push the wife to push the kids to talk them into getting more assistance a couple times a week.  In the hope that perhaps that bit of extra support will allow him to not have to do so much and not get so fatigued that it results in a Fall.  

Sorry for the midnight Jack rant. But if I do really love that old guy and right now when that phone rings I pray, "Hope this isn't it."

kinda emphasizing the earlier point.

Another observation: Seems like no-one is brave enough to take on mom on their own except you and you only get a half vote because even though it is you that is driving over to help you are married in, not blood.  Maybe they are afraid of being written out of the will or just being on Mom's abd side but they all have to go in together like an intervention.

1. Agree with the daily help.  Even if it is shorter visits get the daily help for things that can keep dad off his feet. Taking out trash, washing dishes, laundry, etc.
2. Have you done any cleaning up/reorganizing (old-proofing) of the house?
   • Remove unnecessary obstacles, furniture, etc.
   • Add bars in the bathroom for toilet and shower. 
   • Get things down from high places or up from low places so there is no reaching under the sink for toilet paper or too high for a glass or plate.
   • I'm sure there are sites with tips for this
   • Use it as a chance to de-clutter their house and make after death/move to asst living cleanup easier
3. Get your FIL walking aids like walker or a hover round (good reason to remove obstacles)

Edited February 25, 2021 by TexasEd

[Sandman 3433]

On 2/24/2021 at 3:27 PM, washparkhorn said:

As the in law spouse, you may be better able to speak with your wife's parents about how they want to live out their lives.  

I've been doing this in regards to my MIL. She's been a widow for more than 30 years, so she's incredibly independent but there's some stuff I didn't think she needed to be doing. Like climbing a ladder to clean her gutters. She fell off a small step stool already so I put my foot down and clean the gutters whenever my wife says they need clening. We had to gently stop her from attending a funeral last year, the deceased died from covid and his widow and child tested positive. The latest was her wanting to go to the store during the worst winter storm we've had in over 140 years. I knew she was stir crazy but I wouldn't let her drive until it was cleared up enough that I could drive to work. I told her I've already buried one mom, she's the only one I have left. She gets it.