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JJ Watt Signs With the Cardinals

Vic Mackey

By Vic Mackey
in Football

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Brothahorn

Brothahorn 10087

Posted
Posted
My house was destroyed in Harvey and I got a check from JJs hurricane relief foundation but I tore it up and mailed it back because he posts too much on social media. I might live in a tent now but at least I didn’t take money from a famous person who enjoys attention. Fuck that guy. 

A man has to have principles.
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Gigglebush

Gigglebush 107

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Posted
On 3/1/2021 at 2:53 PM, texifornia said:

Goddammit if they didn't have that fuckface midget as their QB, my NFL team for next season would be a no-brainer.

But pulling for a kid who fucked over Texas and the A's is a real bridge to cross...

If you pull for the Cards next year you can be happy both when your QB scrambles for a first on 3rd and long AND when he takes a rib crushing sack

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youdunnf'dup

youdunnf'dup 2147

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Posted (edited)
On 3/4/2021 at 10:39 PM, Vic Mackey said:

1.png

I wonder if this photo would even make the Mount Rushmore of “only JJ Watt would do that” photos. 
 

I mean, the guy just couldn’t find an ice baths leave him alone. He had to improvise, and it was a candid picture. 

Edited by youdunnf'dup
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Vic Mackey

Vic Mackey 47157

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19 minutes ago, youdunnf'dup said:

I wonder if this photo would even make the Mount Rushmore of “only JJ Watt would do that” photos. 
 

I mean, the guy just couldn’t find an ice baths leave him alone. He had to improvise, and it was a candid picture. 

If it is one thing JJ Watt does not shy away from it is attention on himself in the media. He could have easily did this anywhere else but he never passes up a photo op.

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MaybeACoordinator

MaybeACoordinator 8349

Posted
Posted

J.J. Watt Is A Goddamn Lying Clownfraud

"It's really minimalistic," he said. "There's no frills ... It's just an empty space and a log cabin and snow." You pictured a hovel on the taiga. A lean-to. Wind whistling between the rough-hewn and bark-clad logs. J.J. Watt waking, abundantly and ruggedly bearded, staggering outside in the predawn gloaming with a buffalo hide wrapped around his shoulders, chopping with numbed fingers wood to feed the fire keeping him alive. Returning to camp with hunks missing from where he had to saw off the gangrenous frostbite with his hunting knife, roasting on a spit some beast he'd killed—after baiting it with his own hacked-off frostbitten flesh!

You pictured this:

nobdswzvyxackyigttwk.jpg

Only with snow, and bears, and beans in a can, and sharing the canned beans with a friendly owl that comes by to share the warmth of the fire. "Bones," J.J. Watt would call the owl. Because it brought him a field mouse's ribcage as a sign of acceptance into its owl tribe.

J.J. Watt is a goddamn liar. Behold, via a RedFin real estate listing, his "minimalistic" "cabin"!

cinbdexacod8zzd3zsfw.jpg

Spoiler

Busted Coverage dug out these photos, following on TMZ's earlier and more cursory look at the house by digging through tax records and finding a listing for this putative rugged wilderness retreat. That is a photo of J.J. Watt's offseason residence. It is not a photo of a minimalist log cabin.

We can bicker about the "log" part of "log cabin" all you like. This gigantic luxury home with a landscaped garden and circular driveway does, indeed, appear to be clad in a layer of wooden logs. It is not a cabin! It is not even a cottage. It might not even be a lodge! It is a friggin' log chalet. A log manse. A log compound. I've stayed in hotels humbler than that log alpine sex palace. That is a "minimalist" "log cabin" like Times Square is a "rustic" "crossroads."

J.J. Watt says his log manor lacks "frills." Let us look at some of the things J.J. Watt's log villa contains, and decide for ourselves whether they are minimalist amenities common to the rustic cabin experience, or frills.

A detached garage larger than Bhutan, with its own kitchen

 ctvvqp6tvq48lfcjswpx.jpg

tiflo3xxwdkyd17vjypj.jpg

Sort of by definition, separate enclosed housing for motor vehicles is not a thing a human dwelling-place must include. Especially when that automobile enclosure is the size of outer space. This is not the minimum.

Is it a frill?
It is a frill.

Is J.J. Watt a goddamn liar?
He is!

Tidier landscaping than most municipal golf courses

ihbzna0agehkowovifdf.jpg

 

The activities of the rugged outdoorsman do not require sculpted bushes or the artful application of rocks. The rugged outdoorsman does not need a level patch of manicured turf on which to play croquet. The rugged outdoorsman takes his recreation fighting off wolves for the rights to the caribou he downed with his bare goddamn hands and teeth.

Is it a frill?
It is a frill.

Has J.J. Watt been lying to us all along, about everything?
Probably!

A bathroom much larger than an entire no-frills log cabin

gvusppcf6ic1qduzpbw0.jpg

 

Abraham Lincoln's childhood home did not contain a brass-fixtured shower stall large enough to host a karaoke party. Abraham Lincoln's childhood home contained a bucket. You filled it with water, you stood next to it while you washed, you dumped it over your head when you were done, and then it was also the toilet, probably. And Abraham Lincoln, lemme tell you right now: That guy turned out pretty darn okay.

Is it a frill?
It is a frill.

Is it fair to assume the kind of person who describes this bathroom as not-a-frill also has inflatable prosthetic pectoral muscles?
It'd be unfair not to assume that.

Two more kitchens, I mean what even is this guy's fucking deal

bizuhpfoociwwp6gphoi.jpg

 

s99v2fq5xocdryytao6h.jpg

 

A minimalist log cabin with no frills does not have three total kitchens. It does not have one kitchen! It has a fire pit, and a can of beans, and maybe a stick for any meat you happen to strangle to death with your hands while simultaneously weeping and snarling. For that is all the rugged outdoorsman needs as he completes his offseason training regimen of standing shirtless in the freezing river and daring the bears to fight him.

Is it a frill?
It is a frill.

What kind of a person uses the word "minimalist" to describe a place with three kitchens?
Kathie Lee Gifford.

Like 900,000 square feet of additional garage space or whatever

sblpknxbfmuobxvwel61.jpg

 

Even if we allow for the possibility that a no-frills log cabin may include a garage, which it may not, surely one garage is enough for the rustic outdoorsman. Surely the rustic outdoorsman does not need additional garage space capacious enough to store the United States Naval Fleet. Surely this exceeds the rustic outdoorsman's vehicle storage needs.

Is it a frill?
It is a frill.

Is this actually spray-on blood J.J. Watt just used to make himself look bad-ass?

s5acsz5bmyqa2mbp5io4.jpg

 

I mean, of course it is.

J.J. Watt is not the man we thought he was! He is a goddamn deceitful liar. If his "minimalist" "log cabin" with "no frills" is such a dirty lie, how can we believe him at all? I bet he doesn't even work out at all. Probably isn't even good at football. Man. Doesn't have a log cabin, doesn't work out, doesn't even play in the NFL. What isn't he lying about?

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Richard Kimball

Richard Kimball 1497

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Posted (edited)

Re: Self promotion

Chad Johnson legally changed his name to Chad Ocho Cinco, cause the NFL would only sell jerseys with the players real name on them, and players get a cut when one of their jerseys sells. There was some grousing about it, and he laid it out pretty well. The NFL will pick out a few players and sell them as the face of pro football. If you're not one of the chosen ones and you want the press, promotions and the money that goes with it, you'd better figure out a way to sell yourself. 

There's J. J. Watts the person, J. J. Watts the player, and J. J. Watts, the media creation. Going by J. J. instead of his real name, Justin, makes him more memorable. In the ice bath picture, he's doing the "put your hands under your biceps to make them look bigger" thing. He's done some nice charity work, but you can be damned sure he has publicity people that write up the stories and send them to lazy journalists who simple print the press release cause it saves them from writing a column. 

This is nothing against Watts, he's just playing the game. He's been a really good player on a mostly lousy team his entire career. His ability to self promote, though, has made him millions. 

Edited by Richard Kimball
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MaybeACoordinator

MaybeACoordinator 8349

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8 hours ago, UpperWestside said:

I think Albert Burneko wrote that post on Deadspin back when he still worked for them. The cabin lie was so ridiculous, but that post about it up above was funny.

Yeah I should have put Burneko's name on there but I intentionally did not link to new Deadspin because they suck. 

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UpperWestside

UpperWestside 6190

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Posted
8 minutes ago, MaybeACoordinator said:

Yeah I should have put Burneko's name on there but I intentionally did not link to new Deadspin because they suck. 

I would not link to them either. It is not really deadspin. Defector is the good stuff now. I gladly pay each month to support Defector because of the insanely high amount of good material they churn out.

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futureman

futureman 22547

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Posted
10 minutes ago, trza-hawk said:

I never forgave this guy for walking away from the Central Michigan team after the 2007 football season. You don't just walk away from a commitment like that.

thank you. CMU took a chance on him and he bailed as soon as the opportunity presented itself. he’s a flake. 

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markstanco

markstanco 12612

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Im obviously biased as a Texans fan but like damn, what a fucking good guy. Yeah its a public tweet, but he isnt going out of his way to promote this. Hes just like "I got you. Keep the shoes". This man cares

Not a Texans fan at all since I like all things Dallas. But if anybody dislikes JJ they are a terrible person.
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