Shameless Bragging and Oneupsmanship Thread

[Shoxthemonkey 1972]

2 hours ago, Judge Roybeanbag said:

I'm quite possibly the laziest son of a bitch that ever lived. 

My registered brand is Lazy MF.

[Judge Roybeanbag 11730]

2 minutes ago, Shoxthemonkey said:

My registered brand is Lazy MF.

We should make wallets.  Instead of BAMF, they’d say LAMF.  Naw fuck that, it’s too much work.  

[Shoxthemonkey 1972]

Yeah, I was going to make t-shirts like "Fishing at the Lazy MF" showing rednecks dynamiting carp from a rowboat. That kind of shit. But I decided it was too much work.

[TrashMaster G 17307]

22 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

Back in 82 I used to be able to throw a pigskin a quarter mile. 

BFD.  With inflation, that's only like 40 yds today

 

I once came in third place in a school-wide Rubik's Cube contest.

 

And I also don't get a stimulus check.

 

[luke duke 6361]

I’m an extremely fair-skinned hispanic, an absolute killer combo when it comes to dating (no joke). I have a great personality/sense of humor to boot. Back in high school my nickname was “loser” because all the girls would lose their virginities to me. I can still pull dimes but I’ve calmed down a lot in recent years. Running joke in my social circle is that if you have a girlfriend it’s because I let you have her. 

Did they also call you a Cool Arrow?

[Al Czervik 1219]

Still have most of my hair on my head (high 90’s percentile) after 54 years and regularly get compliments on it. I’m the product of great hair on both sides of the family. My stylist loves the fact that I need to have this quaff maintained way more than most and I tip well for the frequent attention needed, Al is no Mr. Pink, even still today having to never received any stimulus.  
Al also cooks the world best Duck flambé. 
 

[Superhero 8643]

I'm in top 1% percentile in wealth...

 

 

 

... on the global scale.

[SurlyORama 163]

21 hours ago, Onboard 2.0 said:

Just spitballing' here,  but if you were the laziest son of a bitch, wouldn't you be too lazy to post on this thread ?

There's always room to get even better.

[Buck Strickland 380]

If I would have been born poor and disenfranchised I would have been a pimp

[Restinmybones 111]

I've never had a cavity.

I'm 63. 

[Fudge Nuggets 19001]

Right after college I had a month long fling with an absolute nympho freak. The fling ended when she moved away to LA and wound up being a big time porn star landing a spot in the AVN Hall of Fame. 

[Humpy 112]

16 minutes ago, Fudge Nuggets said:

Right after college I had a month long fling with an absolute nympho freak. The fling ended when she moved away to LA and wound up being a big time porn star landing a spot in the AVN Hall of Fame. 

Links to said  movies. 

[RexWilson 1341]

I was an Arena League punter.

[SizzleChest 8264]

My great-grandfather invented the word cunt.

[Grade of D as in David 13253]

26 minutes ago, SizzleChest said:

My great-grandfather invented the word cunt.

Your great-grandmother must have been a real pain in the ass.

[NeverMarryAStripper 21766]

I've probably fucked more women per inch of dick than anyone here

[CooterBrown 17762]

I've probably fucked more women per inch of dick than anyone here

And you married both of them.

[Armybrat 40562]

On 3/19/2021 at 2:50 PM, TrashMaster G said:

I once came in third place in a school-wide Rubik's Cube contest.

 

I once came in 3rd place in a high school shot put competition. (only three were entered)

[Armybrat 40562]

4 hours ago, Buck Strickland said:

If I would have been born poor and disenfranchised I would have been a pimp

And sampled the product for hours at a time?

[Underdog 28243]

[millhouse 2576]

9 hours ago, Armybrat said:

I once came in 3rd place in a high school shot put competition. (only three were entered)

I once came third in a threesome

[Armybrat 40562]

6 hours ago, millhouse said:

I once came third in a threesome

Cleanup guy, eh?

[Goredho 17190]

I quite likely have the largest cock of anyone on this board.

[spoiler]
why the fuck are you trying to look at my cock?

[/spoiler]

Edit: It is a richness offset by my inability to execute a proper goddam fucking spoiler tag.

Edited March 21, 2021 by Goredho

[luke duke 6361]

Right after college I had a month long fling with an absolute nympho freak. The fling ended when she moved away to LA and wound up being a big time porn star landing a spot in the AVN Hall of Fame. 

Was it Ron Jeremy?

[Bullneck 18783]

22 hours ago, RexWilson said:

I was an Arena League punter.

Isn't the field only, like, 50 yards long?  Did you boom those 20 yard punts?  

[Dennis Taylor 18611]

20 minutes ago, Bullneck said:

Isn't the field only, like, 50 yards long?  Did you boom those 20 yard punts?  

[Bullneck 18783]

46 minutes ago, Dennis Taylor said:

I'm guessing they don't have punters in Arena Football.  

I think you might have missed my joke as well.

Edited March 21, 2021 by Bullneck

[Bender Bending Rodriguez 1662]

I was two time Bowler of the Month in the 9-10 year old division at North Shore Lanes in the summer of 1987. 

[Dennis Taylor 18611]

42 minutes ago, Bender Bending Rodriguez said:

I was two time Bowler of the Month in the 9-10 year old division at North Shore Lanes in the summer of 1987. 

[mchookem 15576]

i retired at 49. my net worth has somehow increased since retirement. i have no intention of ever having a job job again.

[Guest Lobo]

Well then have I got a business venture opportunity for you!  I could be fined just for telling you this, but you seem like a nice cat.  

Music streaming/FinTech play, about to be bought by a major music service for a 3x after just 18 months.  Thanks to Covid-19 actually.  

Guy like you, I could see you coming for in a nice slice.  Have your girl call mine. 

[Bender Bending Rodriguez 1662]

1 hour ago, Dennis Taylor said:

[CycleTex87 2945]

These are 34’s and they’re loose!

[gyroprotagonist 2591]

on a 30hr round trip my wife drove ~10 of those hours and we did not get lost, wreck or go slow.  end thread?

[Guest Lobo]

That's pretty damn impressive.  Even if it was just 1/3rd of the drive and you went slow and got lost, I'd still give you rep.  

We used to regularly drive (1-2x/year) to my in-laws and it was a 13-hour drive...each way.  Call it 25 hours round-trip to be generous.  If she drove 20% of that, I was aghast.  

[Al Czervik 1219]

49 minutes ago, gyroprotagonist said:

on a 30hr round trip my wife drove ~10 of those hours and we did not get lost, wreck or go slow.  end thread?

Is your ‘wife’ a man? Because it doesn’t count if it is. 
Not judging, nor is anything wrong with it. 

[Guadaloopy 10804]

I’m not quite a kept man, but my wife out earns me by a good margin.  And she’s five years younger than me. 

[JerrysJheriCurl 977]

One time back in ‘95, I ate panocha longer than @Uncle Boobs.
One time. 

Edited March 22, 2021 by JerrysJheriCurl

[Steel Shank 9339]

Y'all get you some.

 

[After irth 1240]

Reading this thread makes me feel pretty good about my life, which...apparently...quite awesome. 

[Armybrat 40562]

9 hours ago, gyroprotagonist said:

on a 30hr round trip my wife drove ~10 of those hours and we did not get lost, wreck or go slow.  end thread?

Married to a transwoman?

[High Plains Drifter 10939]

 

 

I can masturbate equally well with either hand.

 

 

[ABSR 5276]

7 hours ago, High Plains Drifter said:

 

 

I can masturbate equally well with either hand.

 

 

Well I can masturbate equally well with either foot.

[Sleep off ugly 279]

I regularly wrestle one armed gorillas 

[RDCanecutter 26002]

I once bought beer on Sunday in a county that did not allow it. Took the six-pack to the register, line of people behind me, clerk just rang it up.

It worked because I was hung over enough that I had no idea it was Sunday. I think maybe the clerk was hung over too.

[Guest Lobo]

With one advanced phone call, I get to enter the Union Club in Manhattan whenever I want, with any guests.  Because of the Hearst/McInerney families.  

Also, I get 20% off F&B at Top Golf anywhere in Texas.  

Edited March 22, 2021 by Lobo

[Agent 13 314]

Suck it, y'all. I'm rich, bitches.

[ShaggyBevo RIP 3862]

On 3/19/2021 at 10:44 AM, Judge Roybeanbag said:

I'm quite possibly the laziest son of a bitch that ever lived. 

5K posts in three years? You industrious sob.

Edited March 23, 2021 by ShaggyBevo RIP

[OneOfTheOutOfFocusGuys 2054]

On 3/19/2021 at 12:23 PM, Restinmybones said:

My dad had a "travelling bone", too, and took my sister

So that’s how it is in your family.

[Hornius Emeritus 12332]

I've traveled more than 271,000 miles photographing Texas over the last 17 years.