Your Larry David-esque Moments of Awkwardness

[dcbc 14487]

Cross posted from the Hifi thread.

So I've got this McIntosh Amp I bought along with a console when my mom sold her house.  It was in a high moisture environment (other than S. Austin's mom) during Hurricane Harvey, but it didn't get wet directly.  All other components were fine when I tested it, but the amp crapped out.  So I take it to a guy one town over.  He's not McIntosh certified repair guy, but he's been repairing stereos since the 1970s, so he's probably better (and certainly cheaper).  I drop it off in mid January, I'm wearing a mask, but he seems like he doesn't worry about covid too much.  We chat, he seems like a kick ass stereo repair guy, and after paying up front $50 for the bench fee/analysis, I leave.  As I do, I think to myself, given the stereotypical physical image of vintage stereo repair guy, which he is, I hope he doesn't get covid.  He told me to give him a few weeks to get to it.  So I wait a week longer than that and call.  No answer.  No answering machine.  Nada.  I do this for a few days and start to realize that something's wrong.  I call a friend one town over, and she drops by the shop.  She sends me a picture of the sign on the door, "Gone to doctor.  Back on Monday."  It's Thursday.  So I, rationally/irrationally, wait until the following Monday before I call again.  Same story.  Lots of rings, no answer, no machine.  So I stalk him on FB and find his page.  It's him on the hospital bed with an O2 mask on.  Caption, "Covid!".  I thumb through the comments.  By the time I found him, he'd been on a ventilator since shortly after that picture (over a month). 

So this is terrible for him and his family.  But (in my best Larry voice), there's the matter of this vintage McIntosh stereo amp I dropped off with him a few weeks before he fell ill.  I know where I set it, if you (his loved one/friend) could just leave the hospital for a minute and meet me over at the shop, I can get it and be out of your hair in just a few minutes.

Naturally, not actually being Larry David, I did not go this route. 

Well, I sort of did.  Except, I wrote a letter in which I feigned any knowledge of his condition and expressed concern for his well being, given his disappearance from the shop, and, oh, there's the matter of my stereo locked in your building.  But it was nicer than that.  I also mentioned (true story) that my wife became ill and tried to run a business at the same time.  Tough is an understatement.  But I know this is worse.  Anyway, we dropped it in the mail slot on the side of his shop (initial plan was to tape it to the door under the "Sorry Folks, park's closed" "gone to doctor" sign he had taped up there.  So about a day later, I have a message from a friend of his, thanking me for the letter, saying they are going through his inventory, and have my info.  Great!  No hurry.   No problem.  And, it actually worked out.  A friend of his got in touch with me, met me on the interstate, and I got it back. 

Then, I had to drive it, (along with the preamp, the speakers, and the turntable because let's just do this once) to Fort Worth to be worked on in a certificated technician manner, and for twice the price.  But I'm just ready to have this done right so I can listen to some tunes.

 

So tell me about your Larry David moments.  Hum the "Frolic" theme while you type.  I find it helps.

[South Austin 52520]

Cool novel. Can’t wait for the film adaptation.

[bschoolprof 6263]

I was giving an exam last semester via zoom and students were sending me private zoom message if they had a question.

Them: "Prof, does question #2 refer to year 1 or year 2." Me: "I don't know - let me look and get back to you."  

One student (hottie, probably one of your daughters) asked me: "Can I get up to go to the bathroom?"  I told her: Sure.

Another student asked an exam question.  I replied: "Let me look."  

Except I didn't realize zoom automatically defaults the message back to the last recipient unless I click on the new recipient's name.

So the convo to the hottie looked like this to her:

" Can I go to the bathroom?"  Me: "Yes. Let me look."

Oops.  

 

[South Austin 52520]

Did she go No. 1 or No. 2?

[Blotto 23559]

2 hours ago, bschoolprof said:

I was giving an exam last semester via zoom and students were sending me private zoom message if they had a question.

Them: "Prof, does question #2 refer to year 1 or year 2." Me: "I don't know - let me look and get back to you."  

One student (hottie, probably one of your daughters) asked me: "Can I get up to go to the bathroom?"  I told her: Sure.

Another student asked an exam question.  I replied: "Let me look."  

Except I didn't realize zoom automatically defaults the message back to the last recipient unless I click on the new recipient's name.

So the convo to the hottie looked like this to her:

" Can I go to the bathroom?"  Me: "Yes. Let me look."

Oops.  

 

Now we're getting this thread up to speed.

[Fuck Tim Beck 3834]

So she got extra credit because she sent the scat pic, right?

[Guest]

somebody needed an A...

[bschoolprof 6263]

I have another one, not involving me, but very curbish.

Prof friend at another college moves into a new neighborhood.  Apparently, the developer or neighborhood group put up these yellow bows on every tree, some sort of neighborhood pride thing.  Friend tolerates it it for a week, but thinks it looks very schmaltzy so he tells the wife he's going to take it down.  Wife tells him they are just proud of their neighborhood and it's quaint. One day, she's doing so yard work, and he's had enough, so he heads out with some scissors.  

Wife is talking to a guy walking his new puppy.  As my friend is cutting down the bow, he overhears the guy talking about his son, Parker, with cerebral palsy.  The guy asks if they have heard about the neighborhood fun run to raise money for Parker/cerebral palsy.  In fact, that's what all these bows are for - he and his wife put them up.  

He hears this last part just after he cut the bow down, scissors in one hand, bow in the other.  He makes awkward eye contact with the guy with just sort of a goofy bewildered expression on his face. My friend said at that moment he could hear the curb theme music cue up.  

 

[Lidig8r 1873]

So, I have a good friend who is the official photographer for the Dallas Opera. Madam Butterfly is playing. Because of her affiliation, she gets us into the "hoi polloi" area during intermission. 

Am standing there talking with her and a few other people when someone asks me what I thought of it so far.

My response, "The sets are incredibly parochial. Far too basic. It looks like something a high school production would come up with."

My friend's face turns white and she says, "uh.. Steven , this is Keith Cerny the General Director of the Opera."

I look at him ... he looks at me, and I say, "eh, well, at least the voices are pretty good."

 

[Marfa Low Crown 2546]

It’s my first week at my current job and I’m still meeting people.

My friend is talking to one of the forklift drivers and it’s noisy but as I’m walking up to them I ‘hear’ the driver say, “My wife (loud crash in warehouse) going on 10 years tomorrow.”. 
 

Thinking he is talking about their upcoming 10 year anniversary I say, “Oh, congratulations!”.

My friends face goes blank & his jaw drops. The driver gives me a cockeyed look and says, “Congratulations?”.

My friend is staring at me with his eyes wide open and I’m starting to get confused. 
 

I said, “Yeah, you said you & your wife are going on ten years tomorrow.”. 
 

His face expressionless he says, “No, she’s been gone 10 years tomorrow.”.

there is an awkward silence which my friend breaks by saying, “Awwwkward.”.

Even though it was an innocent mistake I still just wanted to crawl away. 
 

 

 

[blacklab 11941]

My dad got remarried after my mom died and I went skiing with him and his wife, along with her sons and their kids.

I'm on a lift with one of my step brother's kids and another kid is in the lift chair behind us, going crazy banging his poles against the different pats of the chair. I turn around and ask him if he's taken his ritalin. We get off the lift and go to the left, and he goes to the right.

The other kids and I ski for a couple of hours and head back to the condo. As I walk through the door step brother says he needs to talk to me. We go into a bedroom and close the door and he starts yelling at me. "I don't know how things are in your family, but in this family we don't joke about ritalin". Turns out the kid was on ritalin for years, and the teachers at the podunk school would make a big production out of him taking it, making him take it in front of the class and mocking/making fun of him while he did. After he got off the lift behind us he went back to the condo and cried for a few hours.

I went out and apologized to the boy and he admitted he was too sensitive about it and he needed to get over it. The rest of the weekend whenever someone would bring up a shortcoming or bad trait of one of the other family members one of my step brothers would turn to me and snarkily say "Bob, would you like to add something to that to make fun of them too" 

Step brothers forgave me by the end of the week and we ended up friends. Step mom was a total cunt and dad divorced her a few months later.

 

 

[66BUFF 2564]

25 minutes ago, blacklab said:

My dad got remarried after my mom died and I went skiing with him and his wife, along with her sons and their kids.

I'm on a lift with one of my step brother's kids and another kid is in the lift chair behind us, going crazy banging his poles against the different pats of the chair. I turn around and ask him if he's taken his ritalin. We get off the lift and go to the left, and he goes to the right.

The other kids and I ski for a couple of hours and head back to the condo. As I walk through the door step brother says he needs to talk to me. We go into a bedroom and close the door and he starts yelling at me. "I don't know how things are in your family, but in this family we don't joke about ritalin". Turns out the kid was on ritalin for years, and the teachers at the podunk school would make a big production out of him taking it, making him take it in front of the class and mocking/making fun of him while he did. After he got off the lift behind us he went back to the condo and cried for a few hours.

I went out and apologized to the boy and he admitted he was too sensitive about it and he needed to get over it. The rest of the weekend whenever someone would bring up a shortcoming or bad trait of one of the other family members one of my step brothers would turn to me and snarkily say "Bob, would you like to add something to that to make fun of them too" 

Step brothers forgave me by the end of the week and we ended up friends. Step mom was a total cunt and dad divorced her a few months later.

 

 

Her sons sound like cunts too

[OWLVIS 557]

I have 2 both involve food.

 

Played in a softball league in Harris County for years and you know if you've ever done something like that you get to know people well but only play softball against them every week. So you don't know much about them.  Well there was this guy we all called Mike a real friendly sort very blue collar kind of rough around the edges  but extremely friendly in we had heard he had died in a car accident and me and a couple of guys really wanted to pay our respects and found out when and where the funeral was gonna be in Humble.

Show up at the Funeral Home day at the funeral tell one of the attendants with Eastman that we are there for Mikes funeral and they directed us to one of the rooms  and we walk in  CLOSED CASKET . The crowd is significantly older than what we expected but we're trying to  show all respect so don't want to interrupt family so we just don't talk to anyone but they have do have appetizers laid out for those in attendance.

So we gnosh, so there we are standind around eating finger food just gonna waiting for the proper moment or for someone we recognize .Then a woman a little older comes up to us starts talking to us and asking us how we know her father Mike.

We tell her we know him from softball we're really sorry to hear about the news and he was a good guy she asks who is this a few years ago like 10 years ago were you all very young at the time ?

and were like no it was just a few weeks ago. She tells us I think you're at the wrong funeral my father Mike was in his mid 80s and passed away at all old folks home and I don't believe he ever played softball. So we apologize for the interruption she says no no problem she helps us find an attendant and it turns out our Mike was actually named Miguel  all of us white privileged males were just calling him Mike because that was his white nickname. We are told there's a  service is at the other end of the home. We apologize again in 2 of us head out the door to go to the right place.

the other fool turns back around to get another plate of food for the trip.

 

When we get to the right room and see people we know they ask where we got the food of course several of them in it up making a trip down to the other end of the Funeral Home to pay their respects to Old White Mike.

 

 

 

[Underdog 28711]

7 hours ago, bschoolprof said:

I was giving an exam last semester via zoom and students were sending me private zoom message if they had a question.

Them: "Prof, does question #2 refer to year 1 or year 2." Me: "I don't know - let me look and get back to you."  

One student (hottie, probably one of your daughters) asked me: "Can I get up to go to the bathroom?"  I told her: Sure.

Another student asked an exam question.  I replied: "Let me look."  

Except I didn't realize zoom automatically defaults the message back to the last recipient unless I click on the new recipient's name.

So the convo to the hottie looked like this to her:

" Can I go to the bathroom?"  Me: "Yes. Let me look."

Oops.  

 

GDit, did she say yes or no?  Horny minds want to know. 

Edited March 27, 2021 by Underdog

[hookemATL 11762]

September 2011: Had some newish friends over for dinner and we were just kind of bullshitting and smoking weed and whatnot. 
 

I thought this the opportune to make a 9/11 joke. Something along the lines of “oh shit guys, coming up on 10yr 9/11 anniversary. Now it’s finally socially acceptable to make 9/11 jokes. Know any good ones?”

hushed silence followed by my friends wife going “um yeah my uncle died in tower 1.”

 

[Mach 1 1677]

Haha this just happened to me a couple of days ago.

We have a bunch of cars (username yadda yadda) so garage and driveway is full.  To park in front of our house I have to navigate a cul de sac to turn around and hit the spot.  I'm coming back from buying a few groceries, there's a plumber's truck in the cul de sac to my right as I start my left turn, so the radius is cut a bit. On the last part of the left turn I notice some dude is in the street doing fucking jumping jacks.  I figure I can make it without reversing and do it no problem.  I exist with groceries in tow.

Jumping Jack:  Hey man, you were really close to me.  That was unnecessary.

Me:  WTF are you talking about?

JJ: I was exercising here and you just drove past me.

Me:  Yes I did, what's your point?

JJ:  You drive dangerously.  I've seen you do this to other people in the past.

Me: I've never seen you in my fucking life, and I've lived here for 20 years.

JJ: You should know better if you've lived here that long.  There was no need to cut it that close.

Me:  A) see that fucking truck, it cuts an already close radius even closer. B) I wasn't even close to you and C) you're exercising in the goddamn street.

JJ:  Pedestrians have the right of way in the street.

Me: (almost yelling). When they're in a fucking crosswalk.  My ice cream is melting, continue on with your fucking jumping jacks.

 

Had to check a few times to make sure he didn't vandalize my car.

[High Plains Drifter 11050]

 

I was waiting for the punch line- "turns out I was in the wrong cul de sac" or something.

 

 

 

 

[Mach 1 1677]

Yeah I may have missed the 'awkwardness' part and just went straight for a standard Larry David interaction.

[bschoolprof 6263]

GDit, did she say yes or no?  Horny minds want to know. 

I didn’t give her the chance to respond. I immediately told her that was meant for someone else.

She has a lovely vagina though.

[Marfa Low Crown 2546]

I thought of another one...

This is a little over 20 years ago and I am working in restaurants. I had graduated massage therapy school probably six or seven months earlier and like the majority of massage school graduates, I didn’t end up doing it as an occupation.  
 

Waiting tables and freelance programming were paying the bills back then and offered an easier and less physically draining way to make money. 
 

It’s early on a dinner shift I’m working and two of the owners of the massage school come in and sit in my section.

They remember me because I was a student not long ago and we exchange pleasantries. The whole chef craze thing is really taking off at this point in time, Iron Chef all that. 

Already I have seen the cold slap of reality hit people we have hired in the kitchen who have just graduated from chef school but never actually worked in restaurants before. I guess they didn’t really understand they would be scrubbing fryers, pulling up mats, and generally busting their asses a long time for low pay while being burdened with significant student debt from chef school. An awful lot of them didn’t make it.

I guess this was all in my 20-something brain because it’s the only explanation for the shit that came out of my mouth next...

The owners asked me if I was doing massage therapy and I said no. That really should have been the end of it but.... 

“No, I decided not to pursue massage therapy although it’s still a great skill to have. It’s kind of like a lot of these new kitchen people we have (gesturing to the open kitchen & people behind the line). 

Take this chef craze going on right now for example. Most of these students coming out of school right now have underestimated the grind & physically draining nature of the job.

A lot of them won’t even be doing this a year from now. There are easier & more lucrative ways to make money than this and the people who are really profiting are the ones who own the chef schools. Kind of like massage therapy.”.

They ate quickly in general silence and never came back again.   
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Incredulity 11675]

Years ago we were trying to get some business going with a significant potential customer.  After a couple of promising meetings with Janet Jones(not her real name) who was quite bitchy and cold, I sent an email requesting another appointment and got a response from Janet Smith.  I sensed a good topic to develop some rapport, she couldn’t possibly be cold and bitchy about getting married.  
 

I was immediately befuddled as she responded to my congratulations on her marriage with a cold stare.  Yup, she had gotten divorced.

Edited March 28, 2021 by Incredulity

[dcbc 14487]

On 3/27/2021 at 4:21 PM, blacklab said:

My dad got remarried after my mom died and I went skiing with him and his wife, along with her sons and their kids.

I'm on a lift with one of my step brother's kids and another kid is in the lift chair behind us, going crazy banging his poles against the different pats of the chair. I turn around and ask him if he's taken his ritalin. We get off the lift and go to the left, and he goes to the right.

The other kids and I ski for a couple of hours and head back to the condo. As I walk through the door step brother says he needs to talk to me. We go into a bedroom and close the door and he starts yelling at me. "I don't know how things are in your family, but in this family we don't joke about ritalin". Turns out the kid was on ritalin for years, and the teachers at the podunk school would make a big production out of him taking it, making him take it in front of the class and mocking/making fun of him while he did. After he got off the lift behind us he went back to the condo and cried for a few hours.

I went out and apologized to the boy and he admitted he was too sensitive about it and he needed to get over it. The rest of the weekend whenever someone would bring up a shortcoming or bad trait of one of the other family members one of my step brothers would turn to me and snarkily say "Bob, would you like to add something to that to make fun of them too" 

Step brothers forgave me by the end of the week and we ended up friends. Step mom was a total cunt and dad divorced her a few months later.

 

 

"Beloved Aunt"

[dcbc 14487]

This one is about a guy with whom I went to law school.  He was a funny guy.  But he regularly got into trouble with the shit he'd say.  Or as I often say now in my own defense, you say a lot of stupid things sometimes when you're trying to be funny. 

Anyway, it's toward the end of our second year of law school.  He was studying or some such and has to go take a leak.  He goes into the restroom and pulls up to the urinal.  There's a guy at the urinal next to his, and not making any long glances anywhere in a public restroom, he thinks it is I in the adjacent pisser.  So with a smirk, he looks to the right and downward, and says, "Nice penis."  He then looks up and makes eye contact with the complete stranger next to him, who is unamused.  He zips up and bolts. 

Edited March 29, 2021 by dcbc

[High Plains Drifter 11050]

 

When my wife was pregnant, we were at her co-workers house for dinner. Her co-worker had two kids, both boys.

We had decided to not find out the sex of the baby, so of course everybody had an opinion of what the sex was going to be.

Wife's coworker's father was at the dinner. He's a good guy, we play golf together on occasion, but he has a tendency to say stupid shit all the time.

Trying to be nice, and give my wife a compliment, he said "its going to be a girl. All pretty women always have girls first." His daughter, and her two sons, were sitting right there and heard every word.

 

[dcbc 14487]

On 3/27/2021 at 10:49 AM, South Austin said:

Cool novel. Can’t wait for the film adaptation.

A bit late, but is your mom available?

[South Austin 52520]

16 minutes ago, dcbc said:

A bit late, but is your mom available?

[nnm 36445]

On 3/27/2021 at 10:36 AM, dcbc said:

Cross posted from the Hifi thread.

So I've got this McIntosh Amp I bought along with a console when my mom sold her house.  It was in a high moisture environment (other than S. Austin's mom) during Hurricane Harvey, but it didn't get wet directly.  All other components were fine when I tested it, but the amp crapped out.  So I take it to a guy one town over.  He's not McIntosh certified repair guy, but he's been repairing stereos since the 1970s, so he's probably better (and certainly cheaper).  I drop it off in mid January, I'm wearing a mask, but he seems like he doesn't worry about covid too much.  We chat, he seems like a kick ass stereo repair guy, and after paying up front $50 for the bench fee/analysis, I leave.  As I do, I think to myself, given the stereotypical physical image of vintage stereo repair guy, which he is, I hope he doesn't get covid.  He told me to give him a few weeks to get to it.  So I wait a week longer than that and call.  No answer.  No answering machine.  Nada.  I do this for a few days and start to realize that something's wrong.  I call a friend one town over, and she drops by the shop.  She sends me a picture of the sign on the door, "Gone to doctor.  Back on Monday."  It's Thursday.  So I, rationally/irrationally, wait until the following Monday before I call again.  Same story.  Lots of rings, no answer, no machine.  So I stalk him on FB and find his page.  It's him on the hospital bed with an O2 mask on.  Caption, "Covid!".  I thumb through the comments.  By the time I found him, he'd been on a ventilator since shortly after that picture (over a month). 

So this is terrible for him and his family.  But (in my best Larry voice), there's the matter of this vintage McIntosh stereo amp I dropped off with him a few weeks before he fell ill.  I know where I set it, if you (his loved one/friend) could just leave the hospital for a minute and meet me over at the shop, I can get it and be out of your hair in just a few minutes.

Naturally, not actually being Larry David, I did not go this route. 

Well, I sort of did.  Except, I wrote a letter in which I feigned any knowledge of his condition and expressed concern for his well being, given his disappearance from the shop, and, oh, there's the matter of my stereo locked in your building.  But it was nicer than that.  I also mentioned (true story) that my wife became ill and tried to run a business at the same time.  Tough is an understatement.  But I know this is worse.  Anyway, we dropped it in the mail slot on the side of his shop (initial plan was to tape it to the door under the "Sorry Folks, park's closed" "gone to doctor" sign he had taped up there.  So about a day later, I have a message from a friend of his, thanking me for the letter, saying they are going through his inventory, and have my info.  Great!  No hurry.   No problem.  And, it actually worked out.  A friend of his got in touch with me, met me on the interstate, and I got it back. 

Then, I had to drive it, (along with the preamp, the speakers, and the turntable because let's just do this once) to Fort Worth to be worked on in a certificated technician manner, and for twice the price.  But I'm just ready to have this done right so I can listen to some tunes.

 

So tell me about your Larry David moments.  Hum the "Frolic" theme while you type.  I find it helps.

Did he die?  That info needs to be in the story for completeness. 

[dcbc 14487]

On 3/28/2021 at 9:42 PM, nnm said:

Did he die?  That info needs to be in the story for completeness. 

No, I've been keeping tabs on him.  Covid didn't get him, but there's a secondary infection that has really done a number on him.  He's off the vent and sedation meds, has some neural function, but still hasn't waked up.  Suffice it to say, it is unlikely that he'll be back at work for a while, if ever, unfortunately.

Edited March 30, 2021 by dcbc

[strangulation! 1716]

20 hours ago, Marfa Low Crown said:

and like the majority of massage school graduates, I didn’t end up doing it as an occupation.  
 

[Knoxtnhorn 6058]

Working at a Mexican restaurant a few years ago.  New Hispanic hottie is filling out paperwork.  A bunch of us guys are ogling her when I say, "Watch and learn".

I walk up to her and smoothly say, "Hola Senorita.  Como esta."

She replies, "I'm from India you idiot".  

Oops.

It took a threesome with her and another chick 2 months later to live that one down with my friends.

Edited March 29, 2021 by Knoxtnhorn

[Trey3216 15347]

1 hour ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

Working at a Mexican restaurant a few years ago.  New Hispanic hottie is filling out paperwork.  A bunch of us guys are ogling her when I say, "Watch and learn".

I walk up to her and smoothly say, "Hola Senorita.  Como esta."

She replies, "I'm from India you idiot".  

Oops.

It took a threesome with her and another chick 2 months later to live that one down with my friends.

[Felix 607]

My temper has gotten me in trouble a couple of times.  Coaching an 8th grade girls parochial school basketball team.  Qualified for national tournament in Valparaiso IN.  Driving to get dinner in van with team and a couple of team Moms.  Bitch almost hits us in the parking lot running a stop sign and cutting the corner too close.  Scared me a little and I scream "Learn to drive you fucking cunt!".  I look back in the rear view mirror and everyone is studiously looking anywhere but at me.  My wife was in the passenger seat and I thought she was going to die.  It's quiet for a minute and for some reason I think it would be a good idea to say. "Well did y'all see what she did?".

The other time was watching Texas v Tech at a sports bar in Brownwood with some friends while camping at Lake Brownwood.  We were getting hosed by the refs as usual, and I scream at Cooper Castleberry, "You're a god damned retard!"  I don't say that any more but this was a long time ago.  My friends are all silent and I look over and the only other occupied table in the place is from the local home for the menally challenged.  That one was tough.  I felt about 2 inches tall.  I still get well deserved shit for that one.

[Knoxtnhorn 6058]

1 hour ago, Felix said:

My temper has gotten me in trouble a couple of times.  Coaching an 8th grade girls parochial school basketball team.  Qualified for national tournament in Valparaiso IN.  Driving to get dinner in van with team and a couple of team Moms.  Bitch almost hits us in the parking lot running a stop sign and cutting the corner too close.  Scared me a little and I scream "Learn to drive you fucking cunt!".  I look back in the rear view mirror and everyone is studiously looking anywhere but at me.  My wife was in the passenger seat and I thought she was going to die.  It's quiet for a minute and for some reason I think it would be a good idea to say. "Well did y'all see what she did?".

 

@Jameslaw121 did something similar when we were younger.  He was driving our grandmother to Dallas.  Coincidentally, from Brownwood.  Anyway, he was always the "perfect" one of the three of us boys as he was the youngest.  Someone cut him off on 635 and he went on quite the cuss-laden rant.  I thought I was going to have a heart attack from laughing so hard.

[HornPhD 1368]

Back in 2004 or so when we were living in San Francisco, my wife and I were almost home and stopped at a red light during heavy rush hour traffic. A car stops in the middle of the intersection right in front of us just as our light turns green. I hit the horn and both the wife and I give them the double middle finger while yelling things like “fuck you” and “fucking assholes.” The people in the car look at us in shock. 

The intersection clears, we turn left and are behind the other car. Next intersection, we have to turn left to get home (a lot of one way streets in our neighborhood). The people we cursed out turn left. “Maybe they’re heading to a different highway entrance to the Bay Bridge?” says my wife. 

Our condo was on a little one-way side street off Folsom St. Nobody turns onto that street unless they live on it. The other car turns onto that street. Fuck. “They probably live down the block” I say to my wife. 

We’re right behind them and before I can open the garage door to the parking garage, it starts opening and they pull in. We drove around the block before going into the garage. 

We saw them a few weeks later in the elevator. No words were spoken. But we all knew. 

Cue theme song. 

[OrangEngr 1035]

On 3/28/2021 at 4:14 PM, Marfa Low Crown said:

I thought of another one...

This is a little over 20 years ago and I am working in restaurants. I had graduated massage therapy school probably six or seven months earlier and like the majority of massage school graduates, I didn’t end up doing it as an occupation.  
 

Waiting tables and freelance programming were paying the bills back then and offered an easier and less physically draining way to make money. 
 

It’s early on a dinner shift I’m working and two of the owners of the massage school come in and sit in my section.

They remember me because I was a student not long ago and we exchange pleasantries. The whole chef craze thing is really taking off at this point in time, Iron Chef all that. 

Already I have seen the cold slap of reality hit people we have hired in the kitchen who have just graduated from chef school but never actually worked in restaurants before. I guess they didn’t really understand they would be scrubbing fryers, pulling up mats, and generally busting their asses a long time for low pay while being burdened with significant student debt from chef school. An awful lot of them didn’t make it.

I guess this was all in my 20-something brain because it’s the only explanation for the shit that came out of my mouth next...

The owners asked me if I was doing massage therapy and I said no. That really should have been the end of it but.... 

“No, I decided not to pursue massage therapy although it’s still a great skill to have. It’s kind of like a lot of these new kitchen people we have (gesturing to the open kitchen & people behind the line). 

Take this chef craze going on right now for example. Most of these students coming out of school right now have underestimated the grind & physically draining nature of the job.

A lot of them won’t even be doing this a year from now. There are easier & more lucrative ways to make money than this and the people who are really profiting are the ones who own the chef schools. Kind of like massage therapy.”.

They ate quickly in general silence and never came back again.   
 

Damn, I would have lost money on betting if the words “Instagram” or “Deshaun Watson” showed up later in your post

[Marfa Low Crown 2546]

3 hours ago, HornPhD said:

. A car stops in the middle of the intersection right in front of us just as our light turns green. I hit the horn and both the wife and I give them the double middle finger while yelling things like “fuck you” and “fucking assholes.”

Does your wife have a sister who’s single? 

[HornPhD 1368]

8 minutes ago, Marfa Low Crown said:

Does your wife have a sister who’s single? 

She does. Plus, her sister is an M.D. that loves drinking beer and whiskey and will watch whatever sport. My wife is doing the screening, though. 

I got really lucky with my wife and her family. For example, their mom has a beer fridge that is always fully stocked when we visit. 

[Knoxtnhorn 6058]

When I returned to school in 2010 to get a teaching degree, I had to attend a statewide meeting of soon-to-be grads at TN Tech in Cookeville.  I was with a group of cohorts and, as usual, wasn't paying a bit of attention.  Suddenly, I see a ball fly through the air and, out of instinct, catch it.  Bad idea.  Turns out the moderator had thrown the ball looking for someone to come up on stage and do a mock interview.  He would play the roll of principal; I would be the teacher seeking a job.  I tried to bow out but I couldn't.

So I go up on stage in front of about 700 future teachers.  Normally, I'm fine with public speaking but, not without warning.  So, I sit down.  The conversation goes something like this.

Moderator/Principal: So.  Why did you want to become a teacher?

I had no idea what to say.  I got really nervous and my mind drew a blank.  I replied something along the lines of...

"Well.  When my wife finished grad school and began to teach, she told me I had to get a real career.  I saw how easy teaching seemed to be, so I thought, what the he....ck"

The room went completely silent except for my friends who were trying to stifle their laughter.  Moderator shoos me off stage.  End scene.

 

 

 

[SquishMitten 10415]

This one is about a guy with whom I went to law school.  He was a funny guy.  But he regularly got into trouble with the shit he'd say.  Or as I often say now in my own defense, you say a lot of stupid things sometimes when you're trying to be funny. 
Anyway, it's toward the end of our second year of law school.  He was studying or some such and has to go take a leak.  He goes into the restroom and pulls up to the urinal.  There's a guy at the urinal next to his, and not making any long glances anywhere in a public restroom, he thinks it is I in the adjacent pisser.  So with a smirk, he looks to the right and downward, and says, "Nice penis."  He then looks up and makes eye contact with the complete stranger next to him, who is unamused.  He zips up and bolts. 

Um. Do we know each other? Because I did that in either my 1L or 2L year

[SquishMitten 10415]

I think I pos repped almost every post except the OP. Had to go back and rep it just for sparkling a slew of great stories

[Guadaloopy 10974]

In NYC for a weekend and my wife and I are with a crowd at a crosswalk waiting for the light to turn.  All of a sudden, a kid starts into the crosswalk against the light.  Out of my peripheral vision, I see a car coming and I instinctively yell “WATCH OUT LITTLE MAN!”  The kid hurries up and makes it across just before the car speeds through, honking.  Once he gets safely to the other side, he turns around and glares at me and I see his beard.  He was, in fact, a little man.  My wife just lost it.  

[dcbc 14487]

8 hours ago, SquishMitten said:

Um. Do we know each other? Because I did that in either my 1L or 2L year

Do you have a beer unofficially named after you at a Dallas brewery?

Edited March 30, 2021 by dcbc

[dcbc 14487]

10 hours ago, SquishMitten said:

I think I pos repped almost every post except the OP. Had to go back and rep it just for sparkling a slew of great stories

I realize the OP is a bit more on the sad-awkward side rather than the funny-awkward side of things, and I come off as a bit of a selfish prick.  But when it was going down, all I could think of was WWLDD?

Edited March 30, 2021 by dcbc

[BearSchlong 8099]

I got this.

When I first met my now FIL I was fucking around and inadvertantly doxxed him on the shag.  He's had a colorful career, many google results.  I may have ridiculed him slightly.

Then I found out he likes to track his online mentions.

About 6 months later, I walk into his house for a get together and he greets me with a "Hi there, BearSchlong"

Edited March 30, 2021 by BearSchlong

[dcbc 14487]

57 minutes ago, BearSchlong said:

"Hi there, BearSchlong"

If I had a nickle for every time I've heard that.

[SquishMitten 10415]

Do you have a beer unofficially named after you at a Dallas brewery?

Not that I’m aware of. Guess I am not your friend

[MaybeACoordinator 8349]

Ten or 12 years ago my son was in Little League, and the ex and I would trade innings riding herd on his little sister, who was then about three. So it was my inning with her, and we strolled over to a little playground near the diamond, where there was an uptight West U mom with her daughter, who was about six, I'd guess. Mom is yakking away on her phone and apparently does not see me and daughter come over to the playground. 

West U Mom's daughter is one of those very confident little girls who talks to strangers, so she immediately engages me in some kind of chit-chat. Meanwhile, my daughter runs off behind a large playground set-up of some kind -- I can still see her, but through the equipment. Meanwhile, Little Miss Thing gets on the monkey bars and says "HEY MISTER, LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!" She's hanging off the monkey bars upside down, and the hem of her skirt is up around her neck....That's when West U Mom finally looks up from her phone -- he daughter is dangling off the monkey bars showing some strange man with no kid in sight her bare belly and panties. 

She comes running over and grabs her daughter and I'm like "IT WAS HER FAULT! I DIDN'T ASK HER TO DO THAT! I HAVE A KID! YOU NEED TO TELL YOUR KID NOT TO TALK TO STRANGERS!"

Edited March 30, 2021 by MaybeACoordinator

[Trey3216 15347]

45 minutes ago, MaybeACoordinator said:

Ten or 12 years ago my son was in Little League, and the ex and I would trade innings riding herd on his little sister, who was then about three. So it was my inning with her, and we strolled over to a little playground near the diamond, where there was an uptight West U mom with her daughter, who was about six, I'd guess. Mom is yakking away on her phone and apparently does not see me and daughter come over to the playground. 

West U Mom's daughter is one of those very confident little girls who talks to strangers, so she immediately engages me in some kind of chit-chat. Meanwhile, my daughter runs off behind a large playground set-up of some kind -- I can still see her, but through the equipment. Meanwhile, Little Miss Thing gets on the monkey bars and says "HEY MISTER, LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!" She's hanging off the monkey bars upside down, and the hem of her skirt is up around her neck....That's when West U Mom finally looks up from her phone -- he daughter is dangling off the monkey bars showing some strange man with no kid in sight her bare belly and panties. 

She comes running over and grabs her daughter and I'm like "IT WAS HER FAULT! I DIDN'T ASK HER TO DO THAT! I HAVE A KID! YOU NEED TO TELL YOUR KID NOT TO TALK TO STRANGERS!"

[MaybeACoordinator 8349]

6 minutes ago, Trey3216 said:

Same ballfields, the Karens called the cops on a "suspicious person" watching a girls' softball game alone in his car with no kids of his own in sight. Or so they thought. 

Said creep was Craig Biggio, who was not in the mood to deal with his fans that night. 

Edited March 30, 2021 by MaybeACoordinator

[Guadaloopy 10974]

Another one.

Several years ago I took my dog to the vet for a checkup.  In the exam room, the vet tech is taking the dog’s vitals, including a temperature check.  My dog did not appreciate the unannounced violation and starts scooching forward, trying to get away from the intrusion.  So I try to speak some comforting words to calm him down.  

Now what I think in my head is: “Aww, buddy.  it’s OK.  That would agitate me too.”

What comes out of my mouth, and what the female vet tech hears is, “Aww, buddy. It’s OK. That would excite me too.”

Just to clarify, I am not NowThis.  

surl: “That’s exactly what NowThis would say.”