Your Larry David-esque Moments of Awkwardness

[High Plains Drifter 11050]

19 hours ago, Paper_jam said:

I'm not sure if this fits as a Larry David thing, but I recall a generally embarrassing event from my youth. When I was a freshman, I was living on the 19th floor of Dobie. One morning my roommate had gone to class or something so I had the room to myself. It's a quiet morning, no one's around, I have a ragged copy of Hustler that someone left in the laundry room.  I figured I would take advantage of this privacy and release some pent-up sexual energy. So I go to work, feeling pretty secure in my privacy. After I'd been at it a little while, I hear a soft thump or squeak from the window (19th floor). Window washer, busted.

(Actually, he gave no discernible sign that he saw me, and Dobie's windows are tinted, so maybe I got away with it. Still, I was startled and embarrassed.)

 

 

 

Dobie 18th floor hola!

 

 

[Bevo Num1 1021]

I was working at HEB in the late 90’s as a checker. One day I was put on cart duty which pissed me off because this particular HEB had a parking lot that sloped away from the store, which meant we were pushing carts up hill. I walked out of the store with my head down and as I turned the corner from the entrance I looked up and saw a figure standing directly in front of me, which startled me so much that I did one of those shaking yells. The figure was a person who was a burn victim, whose face wasn’t recognizable. I felt like an asshole because I didn’t want that person to think I was scared of his/her appearance, but how do you explain that to the person?

[Heme Doc 417]

My first night on call as an intern.  Third day on the job as a new doc.  Was given checkout on a patient that was on inpatient hospice and may pass that night.  We would have to go and pronounce anybody that died.  So I get called from the nurse that this patient had died as expected, and I go to the room to pronounce him.  You’re taught before starting internship to check for pulse, listen for respiration’s, listen for heart sounds, and note the time of death. 
 

I walk in the room and a bunch of family is there, very sad/quiet with occasional sniffles.  So I introduce myself and say I’m sorry and do the whole song and dance to make sure he’s dead.  And all I really know at that point is from the movies and TV where the doc announces the time of death.  So I announce “Time of death:  11:42”.  And the family loses their shit and starts screaming and wailing.  And I just kind of slink out of the room.  My resident laughed his ass off at me for not just documenting the time of death in the chart.  

[Orale 1087]

3 hours ago, Heme Doc said:

My first night on call as an intern.  Third day on the job as a new doc.  Was given checkout on a patient that was on inpatient hospice and may pass that night.  We would have to go and pronounce anybody that died.  So I get called from the nurse that this patient had died as expected, and I go to the room to pronounce him.  You’re taught before starting internship to check for pulse, listen for respiration’s, listen for heart sounds, and note the time of death. 
 

I walk in the room and a bunch of family is there, very sad/quiet with occasional sniffles.  So I introduce myself and say I’m sorry and do the whole song and dance to make sure he’s dead.  And all I really know at that point is from the movies and TV where the doc announces the time of death.  So I announce “Time of death:  11:42”.  And the family loses their shit and starts screaming and wailing.  And I just kind of slink out of the room.  My resident laughed his ass off at me for not just documenting the time of death in the chart.  

Good job Dr. Asshole. Just kidding. That's a tough gig.  

[Sandman 3403]

I've told this one before but we had a new boss get appointed by the governor and he was scheduled to come around and meet all of us plebes. This wasn't new for me, so I was going over my mental checklist: eye contact, Nice to meet you sir, firm handshake. Dude is brought over to our area, I stand up and thrust out may hand, "Nice to meet you, Sir". He didn't have a right hand, just a nub with part of a fingertip on it. Fuck.

To his credit, he just smiled and used his left hand. I'm sure he was used to it.

[bluto 4932]

Buddy of mine had a friend who was planning to propose to a witch, just the worst ever, female version of the derel. The guys were driving out to play a round of golf shooting the shit, the dumb one talking about how excited he was about marrying the gal. My buddy had been saying for weeks he was going to bro up and slap the idiot with reality... so he does during the drive, long winded rant about how much she sucked as a person.... only to discover that the idiot Casanova had butt dialed the girlfriend and she heard the entire rant.

[nnm 36443]

6 hours ago, bluto said:

Buddy of mine had a friend who was planning to propose to a witch, just the worst ever, female version of the derel. The guys were driving out to play a round of golf shooting the shit, the dumb one talking about how excited he was about marrying the gal. My buddy had been saying for weeks he was going to bro up and slap the idiot with reality... so he does during the drive, long winded rant about how much she sucked as a person.... only to discover that the idiot Casanova had butt dialed the girlfriend and she heard the entire rant.

Did he marry her?  

[General Specific 3262]

Did he marry her?  

How would he know? He’s been scratched from her list of friends!!! Never got the invitation to the wedding either! /s

[closetohumping 17449]

I was a waiter a long, long time ago.  Spilled marsala sauce on this dude's leg.  He was on a hot date.  I said "sorry, sir." which was the very moment I realized he was actually a she.  Tried to correct myself and I said "oh sorry about that ma'am.  It was the haircut."

[Incredulity 11675]

On 4/11/2021 at 5:03 PM, Sandman said:

I've told this one before but we had a new boss get appointed by the governor and he was scheduled to come around and meet all of us plebes. This wasn't new for me, so I was going over my mental checklist: eye contact, Nice to meet you sir, firm handshake. Dude is brought over to our area, I stand up and thrust out may hand, "Nice to meet you, Sir". He didn't have a right hand, just a nub with part of a fingertip on it. Fuck.

To his credit, he just smiled and used his left hand. I'm sure he was used to it.

I had this happen to me.  The guy's hand had obviously been caught in something unforgiving.  He was missing Index, Middle and most of Ring finger on his right hand.  Not knowing upon walking into his office I went to give a good firm handshake and literally stumbled forward when the expected resistance was missing.  

We then adjourned to his desk to discuss business.  However, he sat down with his right hand resting on the desk prominently in front of him.  The rest of the meeting was a replay of the good looong look scene from Roxanne.

[BonzoMontreaux 1054]

3 minutes ago, Incredulity said:

I had this happen to me.  The guy's hand had obviously been caught in something unforgiving.  He was missing Index, Middle and most of Ring finger on his right hand.  Not knowing upon walking into his office I went to give a good firm handshake and literally stumbled forward when the expected resistance was missing.  

We then adjourned to his desk to discuss business.  However, he sat down with his right hand resting on the desk prominently in front of him.  The rest of the meeting was a replay of the good looong look scene from Roxanne.

Hehehe... I am missing about a 1/4 inch of the tip of my right index finger.  The doctors who did surgery on my hand left the finger nail matrix in tact.  Basically, I have finger nail growing over the top of my finger.

It always brings a little smile to my face when I meet someone for the first time or hell after years of acquaintance.  Maybe after a handshake or a hand gesture on my part... and they pick up on something that is just a little off about my hand. 

[bluto 4932]

Did he marry her?  

Yes and still married

[NeverMarryAStripper 21907]

So she cast a spell on him?

[General Specific 3262]

So she cast a spell on him?

[dcbc 14487]

When my  younger son was in fourth grade, I went to a parent's night at his school and attended a couple of his classes, one of which was music.  The teacher was new that year and was talking about introducing the kids to old rock music on vinyl, etc.  She seemed cool, and my kid liked her class a lot.  The following week, he comes home and tells me she's not working there anymore.  I was bummed because she seemed like she was good at it and my kid liked the class. 

This other couple we known had kids at the school, and I knew they were friends with this teacher and her husband.  So I shoot my buddy a text and ask him if he knows what happened.  About an hour later, I get a response that says, "You're kidding, right?  You really don't know?"  I respond that I really don't.  He says he'll call in a bit.  So he calls, and I tell him I'm clueless about the whole thing.  And he hits me with, "Well DCBC, she and I have been having an affair for the last six months."  Apparently, it all had blown up, the school got wind of it, and she got gone.  As for the rest of that phone conversation, I've pretty well blocked it out.

Edited April 13, 2021 by dcbc

[davidg 4038]

18 minutes ago, dcbc said:

When my  younger son was in fourth grade, I went to a parent's night at his school and attended a couple of his classes, one of which was music.  The teacher was new that year and was talking about introducing the kids to old rock music on vinyl, etc.  She seemed cool, and my kid liked her class a lot.  The following week, he comes home and tells me she's not working there anymore.  I was bummed because she seemed like she was good at it and my kid liked the class. 

This other couple we known had kids at the school, and I knew they were friends with this teacher and her husband.  So I shoot my buddy a text and ask him if he knows what happened.  About an hour later, I get a response that says, "You're kidding, right?  You really don't know?"  I respond that I really don't.  He says he'll call in a bit.  So he calls, and I tell him I'm clueless about the whole thing.  And he hits me with, "Well DCBC, she and I have been having an affair for the last six months."  Apparently, it all had blown up, the school got wind of it, and she got gone.  As for the rest of that phone conversation, I've pretty well blocked it out.

I refreshed several times but pics of music teacher not showing up.

[dcbc 14487]

47 minutes ago, davidg said:

I refreshed several times but pics of music teacher not showing up.

I sincerely doubt anyone who may have had pics in the first place still was allowed to keep said pics of the music teacher.  Suffice it to say, they'd be underwhelming.

Edited April 13, 2021 by dcbc

[closetohumping 17449]

When I was 15, I was a cashier at this restaurant.  They sold various candy and gum at the counter.  One day, this lady buys a lollipop and says to me the 15 year old snot nosed cashier '' you know they sell these for 25 cents at __________"  My response "yeah, but that place is also about to close down."  Turns out, she was the owner..  I just felt awful, hell, I still do.  She started crying on the spot.  

[BearSchlong 8098]

You should have said "well then you need to raise your prices, maybe then you won't have to close down."

I had one of the awkward moments yesterday.

I was at church, walked into the men's bathroom to take a leak. There was a person washing their hands at the sink, and all I saw at first glance was a masked person with a long brunette ponytail. Did a double take and walked back out to check the sign on the door and said way too loudly "this is the men's room, right?" - then it dawned on me that duh, the guy is one of our male scholarship choir members from the local college who sits on the back row of the choir way back behind the pulpit so I have never seen him except from the front.

So I'm at the urinal, he's still washing his hands, I say "you know, I'm basically blind and I never see the back of your head, all I saw was a mask and long hair and reacted."

 

Edited April 19, 2021 by BearSchlong

[High Plains Drifter 11050]

 

At my place of employment, there are three primo parking spaces, that aren't marked as parking places, but people (like me) have been parking there for at least 15 years and nobody has ever said anything. If everybody parks correctly, three vehicles can park there no problem. Occasionally some douchebag will park in such a way that only two can fit, and on very special occaisions, some extra special douchebag will diagonal park and block all three.

 

Normally, this woman who always arrives first will, to her credit, park all the way to the right, leaving plenty of room for two more. I generally arrive second and park all the way to the left, leaving plenty of room for one more vehicle in the middle.

Yesterday, someone in a giant SUV arrived second (before me) and parked in such a way that I could barely squeeze in. So I did, but this meant their driver side door would only be able to be opened part way, so they would have to squeeze in if they left before me. I realized this, but fuck'em, that's what they get for parking like a douchebag.

Later, someone sticks their head in to my office and says you need to move your car.

I go outside, half expecting an angry confrontation from the douchebag driver of the SUV. Turns out the douchebag parker who can't squeeze into her half opened door is about 8.9 months pregnant.

 

 

Edited April 22, 2021 by High Plains Drifter

[Shoxthemonkey 1981]

Went to the local Dollar General to pick up some AA batteries. It recently re-opened following an arson attempt. I asked the checkout lady if they had done anything to the dumbass teenager that set the fire. She gave me an icy stare and said her son was innocent until proven guilty.

 

https://www.hillsborofreepress.com/news/front-page/arson-shuts-down-hillsboro-dollar-general-for-short-time

[Armybrat 40851]

On 4/9/2021 at 10:05 PM, Heme Doc said:

My first night on call as an intern.  Third day on the job as a new doc.  Was given checkout on a patient that was on inpatient hospice and may pass that night.  We would have to go and pronounce anybody that died.  So I get called from the nurse that this patient had died as expected, and I go to the room to pronounce him.  You’re taught before starting internship to check for pulse, listen for respiration’s, listen for heart sounds, and note the time of death. 
 

I walk in the room and a bunch of family is there, very sad/quiet with occasional sniffles.  So I introduce myself and say I’m sorry and do the whole song and dance to make sure he’s dead.  And all I really know at that point is from the movies and TV where the doc announces the time of death.  So I announce “Time of death:  11:42”.  And the family loses their shit and starts screaming and wailing.  And I just kind of slink out of the room.  My resident laughed his ass off at me for not just documenting the time of death in the chart.  

Good one, Dr. Kildare.

[Ojo Rojo 1965]

I had a short summer relationship with this young lass I'd met.  She stayed over one night and we took a shower together.  After the shower we were getting dressed and she had a very strange, almost pained look on her face.  I had no idea why and I didn't ask.  Later, I went back in the bathroom and I saw the towel I used hanging over the shower rod and there was a HUGE brown streak on the towel.  I guess I didn't clean myself very well in the shower.  Good times.

[Da Fino 2783]

You need to clean your ass better. 

[BearSchlong 8098]

NGL, I remember a few times in HS and College when I outkicked my coverage and then got rewarded with a really stinky finger.

[Judge Roybeanbag 11819]

One Saturday around 1990 or so, I was at my brother's apartment over by Northcross watching football and we decided to grill some fajita.  We needed tortillas and avocados, and despite being high as fuck I volunteered to run up to the old Randall's at Ohlen and 183 to grab some.  I was determined to remain laser-focused, get in, get the tortillas and avocados and get the fuck out.  Stay away from the chip aisle and the exotic canned meats.  Keep in mind this was around the time that sorority girls wore bows in their hair and "wind shorts" ie running shorts.  Myself, I was wearing flip flops, since before I got high I wasn't planning on doing any speed-walking.  

When I got into the store, that changed. I was on a mission.  I charted my course, grabbed the tortillas from the bread aisle and headed for the produce.  Ahead of me was a hot-looking blonde in black running shorts and a ponytail.  I came trucking up behind her, looking at her ass, and when I stepped to pass her, I hit a wet spot, slipped and my right flip flop flew about 10 feet ahead. My instinct was to reach for her shoulder to keep from falling on my ass but I missed, and got a handful of ponytail instead.  She screamed loudly as her head snapped back.  As I recovered I tried to explain, but she was having none of it still screaming so I ran, grabbed my flip flop, dropped the tortillas and hauled ass out of there.  Ended up going to HEB at Koenig and was like an hour late getting back.  

TLDR, accidentally assaulted a hot chick, didn't get arrested, had guac.

Edited May 5, 2021 by Judge Roybeanbag

[Prepuce of Doom 21080]

2 hours ago, Ojo Rojo said:

I had a short summer relationship with this young lass I'd met.  She stayed over one night and we took a shower together.  After the shower we were getting dressed and she had a very strange, almost pained look on her face.  I had no idea why and I didn't ask.  Later, I went back in the bathroom and I saw the towel I used hanging over the shower rod and there was a HUGE brown streak on the towel.  I guess I didn't clean myself very well in the shower.  Good times.

Ojo Cafe. 

Edited May 5, 2021 by Prepuce of Doom

[Judge Roybeanbag 11819]

32 minutes ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Ojo Cafe. 

Now I’m completely confused about the streak, was it Red Eye gravy or brown gravy? 

Edited May 5, 2021 by Judge Roybeanbag

[Deej 76831]

3 hours ago, Ojo Rojo said:

I had a short summer relationship with this young lass I'd met.  She stayed over one night and we took a shower together.  After the shower we were getting dressed and she had a very strange, almost pained look on her face.  I had no idea why and I didn't ask.  Later, I went back in the bathroom and I saw the towel I used hanging over the shower rod and there was a HUGE brown streak on the towel.  I guess I didn't clean myself very well in the shower.  Good times.

[Deej 76831]

2 hours ago, Judge Roybeanbag said:

One Saturday around 1990 or so, I was at my brother's apartment over by Northcross watching football and we decided to grill some fajita.  We needed tortillas and avocados, and despite being high as fuck I volunteered to run up to the old Randall's at Ohlen and 183 to grab some.  I was determined to remain laser-focused, get in, get the tortillas and avocados and get the fuck out.  Stay away from the chip aisle and the exotic canned meats.  Keep in mind this was around the time that sorority girls wore bows in their hair and "wind shorts" ie running shorts.  Myself, I was wearing flip flops, since before I got high I wasn't planning on doing any speed-walking.  

When I got into the store, that changed. I was on a mission.  I charted my course, grabbed the tortillas from the bread aisle and headed for the produce.  Ahead of me was a hot-looking blonde in black running shorts and a ponytail.  I came trucking up behind her, looking at her ass, and when I stepped to pass her, I hit a wet spot, slipped and my right flip flop flew about 10 feet ahead. My instinct was to reach for her shoulder to keep from falling on my ass but I missed, and got a handful of ponytail instead.  She screamed loudly as her head snapped back.  As I recovered I tried to explain, but she was having none of it still screaming so I ran, grabbed my flip flop, dropped the tortillas and hauled ass out of there.  Ended up going to HEB at Koenig and was like an hour late getting back.  

TLDR, accidentally assaulted a hot chick, didn't get arrested, had guac.

That was an Albertsons at Ohlen and 183. Before that, Skaggs Alpha Beta.

[Judge Roybeanbag 11819]

Just now, Deej said:

That was an Albertsons at Ohlen and 183. Before that, Skaggs Alpha Beta.

Ok Albertsons, and the chick was a Skank Alpha Gamma.  The chinaman is not the issue.  

[nnm 36443]

6 minutes ago, Judge Roybeanbag said:

Ok Albertsons, and the chick was a Skank Alpha Gamma.  The chinaman is not the issue.  

[Kennythetiger 9390]

On 4/22/2021 at 12:26 PM, High Plains Drifter said:

I go outside, half expecting an angry confrontation from the douchebag driver of the SUV. Turns out the douchebag parker who can't squeeze into her half opened door is about 8.9 months pregnant.

So the douchebag parker was.... a woman. Got it. 

[DalTxHornFan 3106]

2 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

So the douchebag parker was.... a woman. Got it. 

Ahem -- the preferred nomenclature is "a person with a uterus" -- get with the program!

[NeverMarryAStripper 21907]

Penis impaired

[Hook1997 5385]

4 hours ago, Ojo Rojo said:

I had a short summer relationship with this young lass I'd met.  She stayed over one night and we took a shower together.  After the shower we were getting dressed and she had a very strange, almost pained look on her face.  I had no idea why and I didn't ask.  Later, I went back in the bathroom and I saw the towel I used hanging over the shower rod and there was a HUGE brown streak on the towel.  I guess I didn't clean myself very well in the shower.  Good times.

You know how I know you don’t have a bidet?  You are also a terrible wiper.  

[Knoxtnhorn 6055]

2 years ago at the Scottish Festival in Decatur, I drank a tad too much free whiskey.  My kids were playing in a bounce house, so I wait until my (then) first grader was about to bounce into the side netting and I decide to shoulder check him.  This might have been ok except for that he went flying backward and collided heads with another young kid.  So, they're both screaming.  Mom of the other kid sees the whole thing.  I'm trying to apologize, but the other lady was not having it.  I don't think telling her I was a teacher helped either.  My wife was not thrilled.  

Not 30 effing minutes later, I'm in a tent researching family names.  My middle name is Tyson.  I read where it's a derivative of the name Tyrone.  So, my drunk ass turns to my wife and says, "Hey.  My name comes from Tyrone.  I didn't know I had black ancestors."  To my left is, perhaps, the only black guy in the history of Scottish Festivals.  Nice job.

[Poolflood 845]

4 hours ago, Judge Roybeanbag said:

One Saturday around 1990 or so, I was at my brother's apartment over by Northcross watching football and we decided to grill some fajita.  We needed tortillas and avocados, and despite being high as fuck I volunteered to run up to the old Randall's at Ohlen and 183 to grab some.  I was determined to remain laser-focused, get in, get the tortillas and avocados and get the fuck out.  Stay away from the chip aisle and the exotic canned meats.  Keep in mind this was around the time that sorority girls wore bows in their hair and "wind shorts" ie running shorts.  Myself, I was wearing flip flops, since before I got high I wasn't planning on doing any speed-walking.  

When I got into the store, that changed. I was on a mission.  I charted my course, grabbed the tortillas from the bread aisle and headed for the produce.  Ahead of me was a hot-looking blonde in black running shorts and a ponytail.  I came trucking up behind her, looking at her ass, and when I stepped to pass her, I hit a wet spot, slipped and my right flip flop flew about 10 feet ahead. My instinct was to reach for her shoulder to keep from falling on my ass but I missed, and got a handful of ponytail instead.  She screamed loudly as her head snapped back.  As I recovered I tried to explain, but she was having none of it still screaming so I ran, grabbed my flip flop, dropped the tortillas and hauled ass out of there.  Ended up going to HEB at Koenig and was like an hour late getting back.  

TLDR, accidentally assaulted a hot chick, didn't get arrested, had guac.

Gets tail for the win.

[Judge Roybeanbag 11819]

9 minutes ago, Poolflood said:

Gets tail for the win.

I’ll save the birdshit on my pants at the bee cave HEB for another post. I still haven’t recovered my ego from that one.  

[Poolflood 845]

About 10 years ago I'm playing golf and the cart girl pulls up, earbuds in listening to music.  Cute blonde but easily still in high school.  As she getting our beers I ask what she's listening to.

Her: KOL

me: ?

Her - with a slight roll of the eyes: Kings of Leon

Me - trying to impress may I be old but still hip to the tunes: oh, she's only seventeen and sex on fire....

I probably blushed more than she and then definitely over tipped.

[Trey3216 15347]

13 hours ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

2 years ago at the Scottish Festival in Decatur, I drank a tad too much free whiskey.  My kids were playing in a bounce house, so I wait until my (then) first grader was about to bounce into the side netting and I decide to shoulder check him.  This might have been ok except for that he went flying backward and collided heads with another young kid.  So, they're both screaming.  Mom of the other kid sees the whole thing.  I'm trying to apologize, but the other lady was not having it.  I don't think telling her I was a teacher helped either.  My wife was not thrilled.  

Not 30 effing minutes later, I'm in a tent researching family names.  My middle name is Tyson.  I read where it's a derivative of the name Tyrone.  So, my drunk ass turns to my wife and says, "Hey.  My name comes from Tyrone.  I didn't know I had black ancestors."  To my left is, perhaps, the only black guy in the history of Scottish Festivals.  Nice job.

So you called Tyrone, just didn't know he was standing right next to you the whole time.  

[Orale 1087]

I had a short summer relationship with this young lass I'd met.  She stayed over one night and we took a shower together.  After the shower we were getting dressed and she had a very strange, almost pained look on her face.  I had no idea why and I didn't ask.  Later, I went back in the bathroom and I saw the towel I used hanging over the shower rod and there was a HUGE brown streak on the towel.  I guess I didn't clean myself very well in the shower.  Good times.

Did you floss your ass crack with the towel? How does that happen? Bidet for the win.

[Felix 607]

It seems I have a knack for this.  I just thought of another one.  I was at a football game watching my old high school play in a big game ten or so years after I graduated.  I don't want to out myself so I'll not name the teams, but it was at the opposing stadium and it was homecoming for that school.  We ended up sitting with some other people who had been in my class in the visitors section.  These were all people I had been friends with in high school, had multiple classes with, and in most cases still had occasional contact with.  The homecoming festivities are in full swing at halftime and I'm ragging on the whole tradition of the homecoming king and queen.  I come out with "I mean seriously, who even remembers who our homecoming queen was?"  Turns out she was one of the people sitting with us and probably one of the nicest, most fun people I know.  She turns around and says "I was the homecoming queen!"  She was laughing, thank goodness and we all had a big laugh about it, but I felt about two inches tall. 

I still see her every now and then as she's a teacher in the district and very well regarded by everyone.  She still teases me about it on occasion. 

[nnm 36443]

This just happened. Hot off the interwebz.

We’re selling our house. It hit the listings Thursday and we had 3 offers by Saturday. Went under contract today. Good for us. 

I’m out of town. My college son gets back to the house today after leaving it vacant for the showings and open house. He goes to take a leak in the guest bathroom. Picks up the lid, the underside is covered with explosive diarrhea detritus. After gagging, he takes a video, showing the damage. 

I send the video to my realtor, with a text that says “From my son. One of the hazards of opening your home to strangers!”

Realtor responds with three successive texts:  1) “I am so sorry. That was me yesterday morning.”  2)”I made sure it was clean but didn’t check under the seat. I’m so sorry.”  3)”It was an emergency when I was turning on the lights yesterday morning.”

Cue the Curb music ….

Edited May 24, 2021 by nnm

[Blotto 23559]

12 minutes ago, nnm said:

This just happened. Hot off the interwebz.

We’re selling our house. It hit the listings Thursday and we had 3 offers by Saturday. Went under contract today. Good for us. 

I’m out of town. My college son gets back to the house today after leaving it vacant for the showings and open house. He goes to take a leak in the guest bathroom. Picks up the lid, the underside is covered with explosive diarrhea detritus. After gagging, he takes a video, showing the damage. 

I send the video to my realtor, with a text that says “From my son. One of the hazards of opening your home to strangers!”

Realtor responds with three successive texts:  1) “I am so sorry. That was me yesterday morning.”  2)”I made sure it was clean but didn’t check under the seat. I’m so sorry.”  3)”It was an emergency when I was turning on the lights yesterday morning.”

Cue the Curb music ….

she sounds hot

[NeverMarryAStripper 21907]

,I don’t think you want to do butt stuff with her though

[956 Worldwide 34715]

On 5/5/2021 at 9:49 PM, Ojo Rojo said:

I had a short summer relationship with this young lass I'd met.  She stayed over one night and we took a shower together.  After the shower we were getting dressed and she had a very strange, almost pained look on her face.  I had no idea why and I didn't ask.  Later, I went back in the bathroom and I saw the towel I used hanging over the shower rod and there was a HUGE brown streak on the towel.  I guess I didn't clean myself very well in the shower.  Good times.

First of all, gross.

Second, good reminder that showering together is the most overrated of all sexy time stuff.  One of you is either getting in your eyes and the other one is freezing.  One of you has a different idea on what the right water temperature is.  And absolutely it's is a no-go if you both aren't clean already. The goal is to get all your crevices clean, which is not at all a sexy process. 

[956 Worldwide 34715]

I went to a big city for a job interview and stayed at the apartment of a friend from grad school.  The type of friend who we'd go out in groups or for beers occasionally, but not really super close.  It was nice of him to let me crash at his pad, because I was looking for a job (and almost broke) and this employer did not offer reimbursement for the interview process.  

The interview started first thing in the morning, I had to show up by 8 AM.  I planned my departure to give me enough time to grab a cup of coffee.  And I took just this massive shit as I was getting ready to go out the door.  I didn't think it was that big but I just watched in horror as the toiler bowl filled up and the shit water started flooding all over the floor.  I'm grabbing bath mats to keep them from getting soaked, hoping he's got cleaning supplies in there.  I mop this stuff up as best I can after finding the stuff in his pantry closet, but the plunger is not working.  And I am going to be late for this damn interview.  He is just beginning to wake up, and as I am heading out the door in my suit I warn him about the issue and promise to tell his building manager on my way out the door. 

Anyway, I ended up getting the job offer that day and took him out for a fantastic steak that night, but that was the worst I have ever felt as a house guest. 

[DigglerontheHoof 21202]

On 5/5/2021 at 2:49 PM, Ojo Rojo said:

I had a short summer relationship with this young lass I'd met.  She stayed over one night and we took a shower together.  After the shower we were getting dressed and she had a very strange, almost pained look on her face.  I had no idea why and I didn't ask.  Later, I went back in the bathroom and I saw the towel I used hanging over the shower rod and there was a HUGE brown streak on the towel.  I guess I didn't clean myself very well in the shower.  Good times.

Crotch, ass and arm pits are the main reason one takes a shower.  How is one's ass even that nasty before the shower?  Did you shart?  Do you not wipe your ass after shits?

That is fucking disgusting. 

[Ojo Rojo 1965]

11 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

First of all, gross.

Second, good reminder that showering together is the most overrated of all sexy time stuff.  One of you is either getting in your eyes and the other one is freezing.  One of you has a different idea on what the right water temperature is.  And absolutely it's is a no-go if you both aren't clean already. The goal is to get all your crevices clean, which is not at all a sexy process. 

 

9 hours ago, DigglerontheHoof said:

Crotch, ass and arm pits are the main reason one takes a shower.  How is one's ass even that nasty before the shower?  Did you shart?  Do you not wipe your ass after shits?

That is fucking disgusting. 

956 Worldwide partially answered your questions.  I was young and unwise, for starters.  Second, I was showering with someone I had not known long, we weren't that comfortable with one another yet so I wasn't about to go scrubbing my butt crack with her standing right there.  I'm generally a very clean, fastidious person, but sometimes things happen.  The anus is a mystery in many ways.  You can wipe totally clean and yet still get skid marks somehow.  I don't have all the answers.